sorting it out
silly mistakes
anger within myself
disappointment
time
patience
no more hopes
clear headed again
moving on
all smiles
silly no more

I walked across an empty land

I knew the pathway like the back of my hand

I felt the earth beneath my feet

Sat by the river and it made me complete

So why don't we go

Somewhere only we know?

one hug

One hug can make you feel wanted

one hug can make you feel want

One hug is all you need to make your day better

one hug is all you need to make your week seem bleak

One hug, the salve to old wounds

one hug, the promise of new pain

One hug

I have a new source of light in my life.

I did not realise it till recently actually...all the old joys have sort of faded to the background; they're still there, but this new one has sorta taken precedence for now. To be honest, I wun call it totally new...lets just leave it as a new old feeling.

I lived for moments previously, and I lived for time spent with ppl. I lived for the exhilaration and the suspense, as well as for the entertainment, adrenaline and passion...I even lived for the sense of accomplishment...

Recently, a little fish has swam into my fishbowl, invaded it, and left an indelible mark, which I fear, will be harder to wash away than dried-up bird-droppings...However, a similar noun - die - will come in soon, and like a bug-eyed goldfish, this one mite die too. I only wish there was a longer lifespan to it, or a way tt it will survive for a longer time.

Its just a dream...a dream i dun wana wake up frm.

There are times when u just dun say things cos its pointless...saying it may make u feel better...it may tell someone wat it is tt's on your mind, but it still won't change the situation.

There are many things u can point at to take the blame for it, but then again, wat's the point still? If it ain't yours, its never gonna be...no matter wat u do. U can't force some things.

U can wish for the best...and bear it cos its a burden you created, not anyone else's. Tt's all. :(

To some ppl, I haf done a shitload of things. To others, wat I've done is of no consequence, cos they've done many other things.

I dun think there's much of a comparison to be made at all. In the end, wen u tok to someone, its a chance to find out if you can match character-wise...its not abt outdoing someone, or being better than someone. Its abt trying to merge one's own characteristics with that of another person's...its abt a genuine interest in finding out abt another person...

The thought tt inspired this got lost, and I'll just end here before I get anymore confused.

another year over

Today I went to read up old posts from this blog. I realise I had a lot more to say last time. Also...I was so crptic and mysterious abt my subjects so much so that I can't even remember now wat I blogged abt then...not that i blog very often in the 1st place.

These days seem more sombre and morose, with me hardly able to put feelings into words anymore. Work and training...basically having something to do gives me some semblance of joy. When left to my devices, slothfulness dictates my boredom. That and the silence of the mobile. Something just seems wrong and missing in my life. Oh well.

Skool's just reopened. Looking forward and not looking forward to the new modules (weird as it sounds but u know what i mean). Jan's gona be full of treats or tricks...depending how things work out after all gruelling workout sessions during the hols.

Feb will be another lonely month. K...out of point.

2004 was an interesting yr and it ended with another dent in my life. Well, life's full of surprises isn't it?

Writing resolutions used to a thing of the past for me but i decided i should have some this year. Shan't bore. Maybe some snippets. More so of bad habits that desperately calls out for some change.

1) I do need to stop shaking my legs wen im seated so i dun irritate the hell out of ppl seating ard me. But sometimes, i realie can't help it. They just move on their own. :( My legs...they just wana be kept on the road.

2) I need to stop biting and playing around with straws after i finish my meals. Not a very pleasant sight. Esp wen i need to reuse them for wadeva reason.

So pls...whoever is out with me. Do me the favor...slap me and wake me up frm my ideas...as i proceed on the journey in 2005 to correct the ought-to-be nonexistent features of a cultured person. Bleargh....

ivp trainings, sheares swim and my constituency training been taking a toil on me. And it doesn't help that i can't prioritise b/w the 3. Absolutely sucky.

NTU is a fomidable opponent. Ironmen or no ironmen, my current team is also a force to reckoned with. And with the race ground at sentosa tis yr, clashing with the nus biathlon... we have not lack of familiarity since sentosa is sort of our tuff and our supporters will be lining the racecourse.

Sheares swim is pushing too hard. Regardless of the team's goal, my personal objective is to break into the 4x50m free relay team. It can be done tho comments have been flooding my ears that im inclined towards mid and long distance swimming. I WILL prove my critics wrong. Wait for the next time trial. Sigh...it sounds silly but it's just....personal and my sole source of movtivation.

Constituency trainings takes on a major role in my life since im holding an appointment. And the current medley teams i have are incredibly strong. Toa Payoh can say goodbye to the reins of the meet if they're gona be complacent abt their swimmers.

And all this does not help when all 3 events, ivp, ihg and inter-constituency swimming meet are gona occur during the wee months of 2005.

Sometimes, it's hard to tell ppl how tired u can be. It's like everyone sees me liddat everyday and gets the feeling that i have this perpetual long black face...anti and unapproachable. Well, sometimes im really tired. I am made of flesh and blood.

Sometimes, i do hate my sports. It's got nothing to do with passion...it's not fun...it always pushing urself to the limit...just pushing. There's no teammates to pass the ball to...or any chance to wield a racket. It's mentally draining.

Nuff ranting. Bear with me for tis couple of mths. Smiling is included in my list of resolutions so hopefully i can exhibit enuff of tt cos it does make me a tad happier as well. God bless me and all the sportsmen i know and may the coming months be a road leading to more self-discovery and filled with nice surprises.

leaving it

Tantalizing nightmares,

Running through my head,

Eyes pried open,

Too many words never said.

Nuff said. Don't know how to feel anymore. Dun wana think abt it anymore.