It's been quite some time since I've written anything of substantial length (and of worthy content). Recent events have taken a toll on me, so to speak, issues of juggling of (future) time, camps, work demands (or more accurately, what I demand of myself that I think work demands of me), expectations and reality. That, perhaps, motivated me to write a little on this article that I came across (not quite incidentally, as a matter of fact). It was also partly prompted by a friend's question:
is it true that once you're in a relationship it is unavoidable that you let your friendships slide?[Refer to article: http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2005/jan/24/features11.g2]
The article begins on a rather sombre tone. Fittingly, since most of the themes explored are so, though it does end on a positive note. Some thought-provoking questions:
If you've always thought that "Friends are thought of as the joyous, freely chosen part of our lives, and it's assumed that those relationships are always pleasurable"; think again. That could really be, paradoxically, the
problem:
1. Friendships are saddled by "Hidden assumptions , unrealistic expectations and unspoken rules";
2. "We can only choose our friends from among the people we meet, in circumstances where making a friendly overture would be appropriate, and who show a reciprocal interest in knowing us";
3. "We all look for friends with whom we share some common ground, so that as our circumstances change, we're likely to meet new people we want to know [And therefore 'abandon former acquaintances and associates']";
4. "Because we live our lives like separate boxes, our lives are uncertain, and with it, we have no idea just how 'important' we are to our friends" [My paraphrase];
5. "Because of changing family trends, 'we are so enamoured of the idea that we can be part of a freely chosen community' which is 'no longer restricted to the bonds of kinship and obligation, and replace it with an idealised vision of people brought together by genuine affection and respect' [My paraphrase again]";
Perhaps it is not all that surprising that friendships are forged under certain circumstances: when you're forced out of your comfort zone/into unfamiliar territory without familiar faces, or when there's a certain 'need', such as job requirements. Thus, when our thinking/interests/circumstances change, so does our needs and therefore our friends too. Take a minute to think about your closest (and long-standing friendships) friends - are they there only because they (conveniently) fit into the need of 'close friends'?
It is ironic, that because we cannot choose our family ties, we don't expect much from it then; conversely, because we demand much more of our friends, we usually run into emotional issues more often in this aspect. If we demand less, or define clearly what we expect, perhaps there'll be less disappointments, to paraphrase a Chinese saying. It may come as a rude shock to some, but when you're down-and-out, you may find that certain friendships don't seem to matter much actually. Painful, yes, but no one ever said that reality never hurts.
I felt compelled to reproduce the concluding paragraph over here in its entirety:
It isn't easy, because friendship is a subtle dance, and no one wants to be explicitly pursued when it's unwelcome, or explicitly dropped when they are not wanted. Nor does it come with any guarantees. People are unpredictable. But we need to play the game of friendship. Evidence shows that people with close friends live longer and are happier than those without. And friendship defines what it means to be human. As the Greek philosopher Epicurus observed: "Of all the things that wisdom provides to help one live one's life in happiness, the greatest by far is the possession of friendship. Eating or drinking without a friend is the life of a lion or a wolf. We can't help but concede, thus, that a relationship, friendship or otherwise, is based upon the premise of
needs. Noble-sounding or downright-pragmatic, it is still a need, nonetheless. That defining it as the former over the latter doesn't change things. Even in the romaticised show,
It's a Wonderful Life, George Bailey may never have anticipated the need to tap into his social capital, but he should be thankful that he does indeed have immense amounts to draw upon. Unintentional, unplanned - Yes, but still largely a twisted version of
needs. Perhaps it is a prosaic world after all, and we're all part of it.
p.s. new vocab learned today -
"Frenemies" - Friends you can cooperate with in some areas and compete in others.
RSS Feed (xml)
