Episode 391 - Genie in the time of Corona

I see my life in two distinct phases- Before Corona, and After Corona. 

But something happened in the During Corona phase. It was when I was first struck by an until-then-unknown feeling called the paternal instinct. I do not remember how it started, and Anna strongly feels it was hearing the news that Edwina brought home two pups and COVID ensured I did not go home for some time. 

I began to follow people on social media who had dogs, or help find foster homes for dogs. I wanted a dog, and I was finding it difficult to restrain myself. The conversation every other day was about how I wanted to bring one home, how I felt the more I waited the more difficult it would be for me, how I would ensure it wouldn't be a problem for Anna and that I would make sure she didn't have to bother with the dog's food, or the walks, or the play, or anything to do with dog as long as I could bring one home.

Every time the answer was a no. 

I moped. I cried. I shut myself up. and I argued. I shared photos of adorable dogs that were looking for a home, of small dogs that would easily work for us.

'No dog in this house' she said each time. 

It took around 3 months before I could make some progress and convinced her to accompany me to see a few dogs at a rescue outside the city. Anna remained unconvinced but I did not want to rush into getting one until I was sure she was actually alright with the dog I selected. 

It took a few more months before I got a message that there was a "right dog for us". A small, female dog that was a year or so old. And so in December 2020, we met Genie. 

The shelter suggested we take it 3 months at a time, and foster Genie for 3 months and then see if we feel we can continue. In Anna's head, we were fostering. In my head, we were adopting. And with that Genie came home.

The trials began the very next day with a rushed visit to a vet hospital in the morning. A bleeding nose in the morning turned out to be tick fever. Dry, almost violent coughs turned out to be kennel cough. The regular medication that had to be given a certain number of minutes before food, or after food, or both. The task to improve her immunity by giving her fresh food. And the biggest of them all- training her to obey while not losing my patience which seemed to be on a short leash. 

Days passed and we began to establish a routine. It took a few days for her to relax and be less anxious. It took a few weeks for her and us to settle into a routine.

Despite her misgivings, Anna also began to warm up to Genie. But it used to show at times.

I talked about foster fails, and how some families started out fostering and ended up adopting the dogs for good.

'Don't you want to keep her?' I asked hopefully. 

'I don't know' she said flatly, and I knew it meant still meant no. Perhaps I should remember, I told myself, that the understanding is to foster her for 3 months, and then see. 

The following month, things took a turn for the worse with Genie's health once she had pancreatitis. I paced up and down the street outside the hospital while Genie was administered antibiotics and saline. It was a few hours before I brought a sedated and barely conscious dog back home. The vet said she is fine, I told a worried Anna, but she will take some time to recover. 

We watched Genie breathe deeply and slowly, and I guess the question in both our minds was whether Genie would last the night. While we were talking softly, we noticed in horror that Genie had stopped breathing for a few seconds. We looked at each other in shock, was it the end?

The next moment she resumed breathing and our breathing returned to normal as we heaved a huge sigh of relief. It took some weeks and a more packed medication schedule before Genie returned to her normal activities. 

One evening I was playing with Ginny as Anna was doing something in the kitchen when I said 'You know, I was thinking that if Genie were to go to another home, it had better have slightly older children to keep up with her energy',  I casually mentioned to Anna. 

'We are giving her up?' she asked.

'Do you want to keep her?, I asked surprised. 

'I don't know' she said. 

But this I-don't-know felt very different from the last time and I knew Genie isn't going anywhere.

Episode 390 - Who is Edward Hyde?

"Tell me, who are you? Who is Edward Hyde?", she asked me.

"I am ..." I began to rattle off about my work, what I do, how I like doing it , and the problems I face when she interrupted me.

"No, I want to know who you are, not what you do"

I paused, trying to find the right words to describe myself. And found I did not have any.

"You are identifying yourself with what you do, now who you are" she said after a few moments of silence. "And I want to you to come out of it. Tell me 5 things that would describe you"

"I like to listen to music, I like to travel on a bike"

"About you, is there anything you can tell me about you, as a person?"

I continued to struggle.

"Edward, you have to find it within you, to find yourself as a person. What kind of a person you are, and not what you like to do or not do, or the kind of work you do. Edward Hyde as a person is more than that"

I am not sure if these were the therapist's exact words, and I think that day I understood what she wanted me to do. But after 3 years or so, I still struggle to say who I am.

Who am I, and why do I find it so hard to describe myself as a person? 

Episode 387 : Pehla nasha

It is 4 days and roughly 4 hours since I heard of your accident. The grief comes in waves. I thought the message I posted to the group would help, but it hasn't.

I hear your favourite song, the one you use as your caller tune. On any other day, I would have called it a song of innocence, of teenage naivete, and listened to it with a smile. Today, I cannot hear it without breaking down. Pehla nasha, my ass.

I do not recall the last time we exchanged a message over the phone, an email, or a phone call. Or even when I last met you. My memories are so hazy when it comes to you, that the latest I can recall is the time we spent at that camping ground near Imphal, and the annoyance on the way to Loktak lake. Thankfully I have one photograph from that trip that has you in it, otherwise, I probably wouldn't recall you in it too. But what happened after that? We didn't meet at all?

I knew you from before I met you, but you would have known it anyway. Your reputation as a wild child always preceded you. I recall conversations with you more than going on rides with you. Others post photographs of you with them on rides, and I have so few that it makes me jealous.

Do you know how difficult it is for us who are left behind to pick up and carry on? I am listening to your song in a loop and I find myself doing the same thing that I did over 3 years ago- breaking down every time the song restarts while typing these words and making corrections as I keep sobbing.

I should have flicked something from you when I had the chance. But my arms didn't cooperate and I only remember stumbling out of there unable to hold back my tears anymore. What I would have loved to flick, you had conveniently parked outside between two other cars.

Pehla nasha, my ass!