My libido, the prairie dog

My libido or my sanity… a difficult choice.

Over the last few months of difficult adjustment, I’ve had to make a choice. Actually, several choices.

First, I chose not to pursue rampant casual sex in a compulsive grab to assuage my manic episodes. Instead, I burrowed in my apartment and jerked off like a fiend.

I chose not to pursue sex work, a tool previously used to moderate my sexual compulsivity. I chose this for many reasons, among them legal, lack of support system, and general lack of good head space/emotional state. If I couldn’t hook happily, I wouldn’t whore at all.

My third choice is more ambivalence than a direct “I choose…” statement. I have dated very cautiously. I have strained emotional resources and feel that I have little to bring to a relationship right now.

Sounds like the perfect set up for casual flings, right? Wrong. Because I have no libido.

More specifically, my libido is burrowed deep in a hole. It spends most of its time there. Every now and then it will perk up and look around at the sun. Sometimes it will even scamper. But undoubtedly, before I have a chance to act on it and pursue a partner, it jumps back in to its tight dark hole and hides.

Not that this has slowed down my masturbation. But it has certainly slowed down my orgasms. Sometimes I can have three or four orgasms in a row. Sometimes, after forty five minutes, I turn the Hitachi off and roll over to sleep, unsatisfied.

I know the lull is due to my conscious choices and my recovering mental health. But it is also due to my current medication cocktail. All four of my medications list sexual side effects.

The meds have helped me regain my life. But it is a different life than the one I had. After being such a sexually voracious tart (and very much incorporating that in to my identity) I find myself lacking much sexual appetite at all.

I know this is right for me for now, but the bottom line is, I miss the old sexy jane. I want my libido back, dammit!

orgasmic resources

From O, my first orgasm (http://omyfirstorgasm.blogspot.com):

In the fall of 2003, I wrote a 15 page, 12 pt, 1.5 spaced term paper: Coming to Pleasure – Contemporary Resources for Women with Orgasmic Difficulties. If anyone would like a copy, email me (omyfirstorgasm@yahoo.com) and I’ll mail you a hard copy (the electronic file has tragically been lost). Here’s a summary of some of the resources I managed to dig up. Please add your favorites.

People

Betty Dodson – The Mother of Masturbation has been teaching women and men sexual empowerment through selflove since the early 1970s. In addition to her classic text, Sex for One (originally titled Liberating Masturbation) and the more recent Orgasms for Two, Betty has produced several videos including Selfloving: Portrait of a Woman’s Sexuality Seminar and Celibrating Orgasm: Women’s Private Selfloving Sessions. http://www.bettydodson.com/

Ducky Doolittle – As a sex educator, writer, and spoken word artist, Ducky’s workshops, performances, writings, and website provide valuable information and liberation in a sex-positive, kink-friendly, humor-filled atmosphere. http://www.drducky.com/

Ellen Freidrichs of Sex Edvice – http://sexedvice.com/

Places

Eve’s Garden – The first woman-centered sex boutique in New York, Eve’s Garden has been open since 1974. Located discreetly on the twelth floor of a midtown office building, Eve’s caters to the mature heterosexual woman who wouldn’t be caught dead on 6th Avenue or the former stores of Times Square. The selection is substantially smaller than Toys in Babeland but could be less intimidating in its intimacy. http://www.evesgarden.com

Babeland (formerly Toys in Babeland) – A woman-oriented, male-welcoming, queer-positive, kink-friendly, all around happy friendly non-threatening place to purchase sexuality products including books, magazines, vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, fetish gear, videos, lubricants, and safer sex supplies. It is also a wonderful place to seek advice from skilled employees or at one of their frequent workshops. http://babeland.com

Good Vibrations – http://www.goodvibes.com/

Blowfish – http://www.blowfish.com/

Come As You Are - http://www.comeasyouare.com/

Books and Films

Sex For One – The Joy of Selfloving – Betty Dodson’s revolutionary text was the first to liberate female masturbation. Although not a how-to-orgasm guide, such as some other resources, Dodson provides a context for orgasm, masturbation, and pleasure through her lovely illustrations and insightful anectdotes. She believes that masturbation holds the key for women who believe they are “frigid.”

For Yourself – The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality – Lonnie Barbach’s text is a program for preorgasmic women to increase sexual pleasure and achieve orgasm. It was recommended as a valuable text for women with limited experience with masturbation and sexual self-exploration. Barbach, like Dodson, conducted group workshops and individual therapy about women’s sexuality. Her text is geared towards the married or partnered heterosexual woman.

The Clitoral Truth – The Secret World at Your Fingertips – Rebecca Chalker’s contemporary text draws from Dodson and Barbahc, as well as thirty years of feminist and sexual revolution. Not focused specifically on orgasm, Chalker provides valuable information on female sexual anatomy and functioning. She dispels many myths and discusses the effects of power and beliefs (both personal and societal) upon sexual pleasure and experience. This book is the most queer-inclusive text I found. The illustrations are wonderful displaying different body types, ethnicities, ages, couples, and singles. For a woman who desires a more general approach to exploring her sexuality, this is a wonderful place to start.

Becoming Orgasmic – A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women… And the Men who Love Them – This DVD, based on the popular text, is produced by the Sinclair intimacy Institute. It is an educational film geared towards helping heterosexual married women (and their spouses) reach orgasm. The video follows Elaine and Mike as she pursues her first orgasm.

Please Don’t Stop – Lesbian Tips for Givin’ and Gettin’ It – This film, produced by Good Vibrations’ Good Vibes Sex Positive Crew and Homosexual Chocolate, was recommended by the Toys in Babeland staff as a queer-friendly film for women with orgasmic difficulties. However, it does not specifically address orgasm or orgasmic difficulties. Rather it explores and demonstrates ways to enjoy sexual pleasure alone and with your partner.

new york craving

tonight i was missing new york, missing dacia, missing days of mutual lap top addiction and sushi box dinners. so, after a phone chat with miss dacia, i decided to order some sushi for dinner. i placed an order for chirashi for pick-up. after waiting the appropriate interval, i drove to pick it up. only to find my order was not ready. because they had not received it. because i had ordered my sushi from new york. so i placed a new order and called the new york sushi place back. their response, "but your order is all ready for pick up". my response, "i'm in texas. i'm so sorry." i got home and cried tears of laughter and wasabi.

O, my first orgasm

There's a new blog a'brewin'. O, my first orgasm is setting out to be a collection of personal essays on first orgasm. I'm honored to be their first contributor. They just published my piece, "The Joys of Sex Toys."

Here's the call for submissions.

Among the existing “first time” anthologies there remains a void – discussion of first orgasm. First orgasm is unique in its diversity as a common experience.

In my quest for orgasm, I researched heavily. I read instructional guides, watched films, and attended lectures. Sadly, most of what I found was geared towards forty-something married women with attentive partners. As a young single woman, I felt alienated. What little I could find that I related to seemed to focus on the mythical shower head. I would look up at my wall-mounted shower and wonder, “How the heck am I supposed to get my vagina up there?”

Now that my little sister is beginning her search for orgasm, I am hoping to provide her (and the rest of us) with a new resource – a collection of explicit personal essays on first orgasm.

I was hoping you would be interested in contributing to this collection of personal essays on first orgasm. Currently, the collection is being posted to O, my first orgasm at omyfirstorgasm.blogspot.com. I hope to create an anthology proposal out of the submissions. Please indicate in your reply if you would be interested in participating in the anthology, as well as the website.

Previously published works as well as brand spanking new pieces are welcome. We can not provide monetary remuneration at this time but are happy to link to your website. If the project makes the jump to print media, remuneration will be available.

Your piece can be as long or as short as it needs. Please creatively interpret the theme of first orgasm. For example, first orgasm could mean first in a certain circumstance, first alone, first with a partner, first in public, first with a group, first in front of a camera, first after an event, first with medication, first on Viagra, first with a vibrator, first female/male ejaculation, first with a woman, first with a man, first time faking (or not faking), first post transition, or first ever. At this time, we can not accept pieces with underage characters. If you were fortunate enough to experience your first orgasm before 18, please write about a different orgasm.

Please feel free to circulate this call for submissions.

Submissions should be sent to omyfirstorgasm@yahoo.com. Thank you.

Ask Jane: Bloody V Day

An inquiring reader asked a very good question today. I thought I would share it with all of you.

Hi. I've been reading your blog for ages, and remember
you mentioning the Instead Cup, and was hoping you
could give me some advice about it. See, as I'm sure
you're aware, V-day is right around the corner, and
I've run across at bit of a dillema...my period. The
Instead Cup seems like a good option, but I know next
to nothing about how it works with sex, how easy it is
to put into place, etc. In terms of having sex while
it's inserted, is there any issue with
slippage/spilling/other problems? It's been decided
already that I'm giving my boyfriend the other area of
access for his gift (although it's kind of a selfish
gift, as I figure I'll get a lot out of it too) so I'm
wonding if I even need to worry about my period...but
as little mess as possible is preferable, and if the
Instead Cup is all it's cracked up to be, it seems
like the best option. One last question: in terms of
insertion, does it take awhile to get the hang of it?
And are rather long fingers required? 'Cause mine are
kinda short...anyway, that's all...thanks for *any*
help you can give me, and I'd apologize for the amount
of detail in this email, but I'm guessing you won't be
bothered/shocked by any of it, and I didn't even need
to use such delicate language...all the same...

Thanks.

My response:

Hey, baby. Happy Valentines Day. It sounds like you'll be having plenty of fun. The Instead Cup is great during sex. It does take a few tries to get insertion down pat, but if you practice, you should have it together for the big day. My method of insertion is as follows.
1. Sit on toilet with legs spread.
2. Unwrap cup from its purple wrapper. Hold the rim parallel to the floor with the cup hanging down (like a U not a M).
3. Squeeze the rim together between two fingers.
4. Begin to insert, while squeezed. At this point your vagina should hold it somewhat squeezed so you can adjust your grip to push.
5. Using one or two fingers, push the cup inside your vagina. Be sure to hook the rim behind your pubic bone in your g-spot. This will help ensure the cup covers your cervix.

Long fingers are not required. I have small hands and stubby fingers (great for fisting) and the cup is my menstrual accesory of choice.

*You may want to use a little extra lube during sex as the cervical (but not vaginal) secretions will be captured in the cup.

To remove, reach inside and hook a finger below the rim. Pull out slowly. Chances are you will get a blood gush the first few times you remove. I squirted across the bathroom on to the heater. But you will get the hang of it.

*You may want to switch out the cup for a tampon when transitioning to anal sex. Anal could dislodge the cup and result in a mess. And always use lots o' lube for anal so you'll both have a rockin' good time.

I hope this helps. Enjoy your valentine's bliss.
Jane

The Wet Spots, Naughty Bunnies, and my ass

I’ve been a busy girl. What with my active career as a blue haired waitress and smut writing up the wazoo, I have been neglecting you, my dear bloggies.

As such, I have a present for you. Straight from Kirby Ferguson himself, his new video for the Wet Spot’s classic hit, “Do You Take It?”

http://www.goodiebag.tv/video/do_you_take_it.htm

Appreciation of this song is requisite to dating (and/or fucking) moi. As I begin to cautiously venture in to the dating scene of houston, I have contemplated making a mix tape for potential partners. Also included on the mix will be the Wet Spots’ introductory “Kinky Neighbor Song”, which became something of an anthem during my move to Texas.

In other product endorsements, http://xflickerflyx.livejournal.com/ sent me a lovely package with her chap book order. It included the Bunny Fun! Coloring activity book (available from Sarah Grinstein, gumdropprodecutions@yahoo.com). This adorable creation features two curvy girlies in innocent anime/furry-ish bunny costumes having a little fun of the BDSM variety. In addition to the coloring book, there are paper dolls, and stickers (including a little ball gag, dildo, and cupcake).

I hope ya’ll enjoy.

arrrrrr-f

sandy's graduation
Originally uploaded by the_educated_slut.

sandy graduated obedience school tonight, and did a little buckan-ear-ing.

you like me! you really like me!

the chapbooks have all sold out! if you are still yearning for one, or intended to purchase one but never got me the money, comment here or email me a heads up. i'm going to do a small second run this weekend so asap on those requests, por favor.