I have been so oblivious about my attitude & mentality towards any relationship. Although I wouldn't normally admit this but I was hit with some sort of rude awakening which makes me realised that throughout these few years, I've never moved forward especially when it comes to the love department.
It always started with just being friends or even good friends, take a long time only to realise that she might be the suitable candidate but then never dare to profess my interest/feelings for fear of rejections. Insecurity at its peak.... unless I were to be very very sure that I can succeed then I'll go ahead (which has never happened and I doubt that it will). Then if some critical situations were to arise.. say there's a competitor or I feel that we're drifting apart or I feel something's wrong, I'll always do the same thing over and over again.. which is to tell the person that I like her and my feelings etc.. maybe hoping to salvage the relationship or rather I'm afraid to lose a friend and be lonely. Of course, it always led to the same result -> failure. This is a desperate/suicide attempt. I always end up doing what I fear the most... unknowingly. I should be honest about what/how I feel and fess up at the very first moment I feel it.
I've always been this delusional, self-denying, selfish coward who lives in his own world, never really care how the other person might feel, and if something goes wrong... I'll just say: can we still be friends? It's all about me, me and ME! I only care about myself.. it'll be fine so long as I'm not hurt but then in the end, everyone's a victim (myself included) somehow.
Now that I managed to see this "pattern" or flaw if I may call it, how am I going to tackle it? Seriously, I have no idea as to how but I definitely want to be able to change it or at least improve on it. To move forward instead of walking in circles on the same spot.
To my most cherished friend whom I did this to:
Dearest E,
Guess I'm my own undoing and I totally deserved it. But will you give me a chance to redeem myself? To seal the crack in our friendship which I've caused? Or can we start all over again, build a totally new friendship/relationship/companionship (whatever you call it)together and just enjoy the moment.
I was once told:
"Commitments are often what people bound themselves with for the sake of moral values; People come, people go. And you'll never what's going to happen next, so embrace the present.. not the future."With that in mind, I hope I'll be able to convey this whole piece to you the next time I see you. I've grew so dependant and comfortable to your presence.. the last thing I'll ever want is to lose such a wonderful friend. Sorry that I've always perceived you as someone who's very insecure, when in actual fact the most insecure one is me. I always thought that I can provide good advices (or choices for you to choose) but actually its all crap. I'm the one who needs to be advised.
Hope to meet up soon, meanwhile take care, goodnight and have a great weekend!
Luv,
S
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