Rushing to my penultimate driving lesson. Can't wait to pass because I'm just a bit sick of going for lessons. Although after I pass I won't have a car to drive, I think I just really hope I'll pass and get things over and done with.
Aside, work's been pretty hectic. Just when you're getting into the gear and groove of things, shit happens, pressure comes from all sides. I've got the feeling that we as a department are just fighting fires everyday but who am I to say anything? I don't know whether it's good for me to continue with my current modus operandi - Just let things come and go and not be so invested in them. I know I can do more... But I think it's better to just watch and see how everything clicks first. And I think I'm also wary of over committing. When I get too invested into things and people, I get hurt. And I don't like that...
I guess the only bright spot so far is that I get to meet new people and make friends almost everyday. From all these experiences I think I'm picking up skills that are rather valuable, so I shan't whine about how the first pay cheque is lesser than what the SPF paid me last time.
Still pretty broke. Besides having a screwed ballhead, my earphones just died on me too. Plus the slew of 21st birthdays... Argh. And there are other things I want to do like buy a lens and buy gifts for the family (Pretty much neglected them throughout last year after all that shit). And I want to save some for school, for a short holiday somewhere, for ISP, and for exchange. Everybody seems to be going on exchange and I want to when it's my turn too.
And as much as I proclaim to everybody how it's quite good to be single (Somehow people always have the assumption that I'm attached, even when they have only met me for a day or two), I do find myself wishing that I'd have someone to talk to and whatnot.
Need to fight that.
Woke up at 11am for the first time is a longest time ever. Can't believe that I slept for 9 hours, but I'm still tired. Crazy sleep debt. I can't lie down because if I do, I shut my eyes and go to sleep almost immediately. I guess waking up at 6am for 6 days a week, every week can really take a toll on a person.
Aside, the Sentosa outing went very well and I'm just glad for that. It's incredibly difficult planning an outing for the handicapped, and given the number of variables in doing such an ambitious outdoors outing for my first time, I'm really satisfied with my work. All that stress wasn't unwarranted then. But I'm really hoping that the heartening response from the volunteers will result in some responding to my appeal to be part of the core group and plan with me - Planning multiple programmes every month is very insane. And did I say I have to work on my 21st? Oh well. Don't plan to celebrate it anyway. Going to pass it as discretely as possible.
The exco outing to my place was great too. Had lots of fun facetiming the veep and stuff. Really grateful for this group of friends too.
Gotta go prep for the shoot later.
Down with a fever. Just ended work at 8.20pm. Rushing to driving lesson. Day out in the sun tomorrow running another programme. Then exco dinner. Then a shoot on Sunday. I think I might not survive tomorrow afternoon.
Also ran a programme at the dialysis centre today... I think I really need to take care of my health.
There are too many encounters these days that leave me feeling rather sour and bitter. I'm not really the sort who can duck and let it fly over my head. I don't like how everything is about material possessions. I don't have a car at home, I don't do expensive branded watches. That's no reason to put me down isn't it?
If anything, it just shows your lack of depth as a person. All the proclamations about character and caring for the less fortunate are just plain bullshit to make yourself better.
I know this isn't exactly the right kind of motivation to have, but I will work hard enough to earn all these on my own merit.
I'll need to remind myself of all these when school starts.
There's something on every bloody day. Feeling quite lifeless and tired.
And I think my phone should have a people sensor. When some come too close, it'll warn you to keep your distance.
Yet another hunt for a 21st present. This time it's easier because you get to do it with a friend.
And shockingly, we went to Emerald Hill for happy hour house pours... And decided to get gongcha instead.
Rehabbed. Haha.
And so the first two days of CNY are over. Work tomorrow. Packed schedule. Bloody tired.
And so the rabbit year's gone and we usher in the year of the dragon. As I go around wishing people 新年快乐, I really really hope it'll be a happy one for me. The past year has been a terrible, tumultuous one, and I sincerely, earnestly, hope for a happy one.
Bloody exhausted. Insane day. Full schedule tomorrow. Drained. Update next time. Night.
Crappy day today. Work comes in as if they are bullets from a machine gun. Did yet another recce in Sentosa under the hot sun. I think up to now, one of the things that I really regret not being able to do is to go into USS... Then it was a massive rush to Bishan Home for gardening under the killer sun too. Sweated until the shirt changed colour and the legs got raped by an army of mosquitoes. Then rushed to work. Can't slack because work piles. Night shoot after. Brought the tripod and all the gear... And, my ballhead of many years failed me. It couldn't hold the camera properly. Sigh. And finally managed to shop for a 21st preset. Really damn broke. Ugh.
Everything and everyone fails me. Sigh.
You're either the most callous or the most clueless person in the world. Stop playing that card. I've been consumed so much by hurt I'm too numb to feel anything anymore.
I don't see why I should answer your questions when you don't answer mine. Go away.
Not going to give in this time. Enough.
I think I'm too soft, too 嘴硬心软。I will, I must, keep my distance because you're nothing but pain and hurt. Don't expect any more favors from me. I've helped you plenty over the past year and you've given nothing but unhappiness in return. I usually don't help people and expect something in return, but you should know I'm damn bloody bitter about what has happened. I'm sick of telling you about the issues, and you either alternating between wanting to change or giving a half-assed, half-fucked reason to cover your pathetic useless self. I've told you this before in text and in your face - Today you lose a friend. I'm really starting to want to do that because I AM BEGINNING TO REALLY HATE YOU.
I know you're trying to hold on to both but I'm not going to let that happen.
I think my time in MHA has taught me well how to handle all the stuff that comes in any office. Very tired everyday. Sigh.
Pizzas, Russian Standard, awesome chill venue and honest bro camaraderie. I need to remember that there are other things to life than certain people and certain issues.
Been waking up early for the past 7 days, and at least for the next 5. Very very tired.
Been so busy at work these days, blogging has slipped from my mind. Work is pretty insane but I guess it's quite okay when everyone is so familial and friendly. It's not something that I'll do once I start work after school, so I'm just going to do what I can to give back to society. Plus I've been making plenty of new friends and I guess that's pretty good too.
Just need to make sure I keep a balance. 6 days a week at work is pretty insane.
I cannot erase what I saw. I hope you understand.
I am beginning to be unable to tell the difference between my twitter and this blog.
I really did think that I would have a friend for good, for life. After all the talks we had, I really did believe it, and I think you too. Things grew stronger, better, closer after that time, only to crash after that night. I've spent sleepless nights thinking through everything again and again, and like I told you, I would really like to repair the friendship. But every time I think of that, the image of what I saw appears in my mind.
I am confused and I am conflicted. I don't know how I feel.
Usually, sitting on a decision helps make things clearer, but I'm still as lost as ever.
Should I just resign myself to losing you as a friend? I struggle to find the magnanimity, and you know how I feel about it. And it's not like my opinion matters, although time and time again you've insisted otherwise.
You gain one, you lose one.
Actually is it too much to ask if I just want to feel happy for once?
I want to have a heart that is devoid of feelings because feelings complicate everything. And I don't know if there's even anyone out there I can entrust it to. I can't even safeguard it myself properly. I hate myself.
Sigh. Everyday a new issue appears, and I suffer from insomnia because of them. Epic argument it was, and well it was the first time in my life I saw something like that.
Very much hurt and damaged. Have no faith in people and life.
Well, actually I do think we're better off as good friends than anything else. Glad things turned out this way.
And so this year begins with heartbreak, just like the last. Must I really start every damn year from the rock bottom? Please help me. I have no fight in me left. Whatever's left, whatever hope that I have for life has been pretty much extinguished. Life's like an empty shell all over again. I cannot do this any more.
Today is a milestone, however negative it may be.
I sincerely hope the job interview tomorrow goes well because I really really need the money. 2 months worth of being unpaid+all the Christmas and 21st parties aren't doing my bank account any good. Each time I hand over the card I feel a massive pain. Ugh.
Please, please, tell me why I deserve all these.
Whiskey and dry ginger ale should be free flow like the amount of the hurt I'm receiving.
