Sir Lizard of Bishan gazed down on the mostly inanimate objects in the throne of King Edwin the Lionheart. He was unaware that in this very place, it was going to be the end of his life. The esteemed King Edwin the Lionheart did not like his lords invading his own private space.

The royal throne room was about to be the venue for a titanical battle.

When the King entered the room, Sir Lizard gasped. He was godly and handsome as described in the many tomes in the library. The Lord scrambled to greet the King. In his haste, the millions of suction cups on his feet lost their grip and he fell freely onto the Royal Bed of King Edwin the Lionheart.

That pissed the King of pretty badly. He did not like outsiders being his bedfellow.

Drawing out his fabled sword, the King shouted, "Who on heavens are you?"

Sir Lizard of Bishan, who was still scrambling to get out of the bed, tried to reply. But that appearance of the forked tongue and the hissing sound convinced the King that the reptile was to be a would-be assassin. He assumed a well-known battle stance.


The King in his battle stance.

The Lord, frightened out of his hair, opened his reptilian mouth and tried to say something again. But nothing came out except his forked tongue and some hissing sounds. The scrambling had made him too tired to enunciate his words properly.

But his life was at stake here. Rising to the challenge, he drew out forked spear and pre-empted the King. The deadly Tail arrow flew at the King.

The solid titanium arrow broke when the King smashed it mid-air with his Titan Slipper. Thrusting the sword at the lizard who dodged gracefully, King Edwin the Lionheart then fired a copy of the day's full-coloured TODAY newspaper at the lizard, who siam again.

Incensed, the King threw down his weaponry and fought with the agile lizard in a one on one combat. Conjuring up a wave of rain to attack his enemy which hated water, the King proceeded to give the Lizard the old one-two. However, reptilian abilities let Sir Lizard of Bishan use bullet-time and dodge the lethal punches.

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The King (left) battles with the lizard in a suit, as imperial guards look on.

The fast and furious battle ensued for the next half-hour, until the Lord's suction cups became extra powerful. That slowed down Sir Lizard of Bishan considerably.

Sensing an oppurtunity, the King picked up his sword and drove it like a stake through the Lizard's heart. Warm red blood splattered across the floor. The King, still angry, stuck his sword into the stomach of the Lizard. Yellow intestines spilled out.

The day after, they paraded the body through the Arc de Triomphe, with the King marching ahead. This was to warn everybody that death would be the result if you duel with King Edwin the Lionheart.


The Arc de Triomphe.

The King Reigns Supreme.

Read this interesting article by Neil Humphreys in Weekend Today regarding the recent increase in huge moths.

Copyright Copyright 2005 MediaCorp Press Ltd. All rights reserved.

Like a moth to a flat
Giant, winged beasts have
invaded the HDB heartlands

By Neil Humphreys

UNDER the spooky guidance of torchlight, we hunted down the nocturnal creatures of Pulau Ubin.

Trekking through the forest at 10pm, our guide told us to expect monitor lizards, wild boars and flying foxes.

It was an amazing experience. Do you know what we saw?

Nothing.

Three geckos, two cats and a stray dog licking my ankle was the sum total of our walk on the wild side two weeks ago.

We shouldn't have bothered. All the action was in Toa Payoh.

When we returned home, I switched on a bedroom light and screamed with an intensity I haven’t been able to achieve since my mother chased me with an iron.

Batman had landed on the bedroom wall.

"Aaah! I'm gonna bloody die," I hinted to the wife. "This bat's gonna eat me. Give my body to science and my Star Wars figures to e-Bay to pay for the funeral."

Understandably concerned, my wife charged into the bedroom, the moment CSI went to its first commercial break.

"Right, this had better be good. I've got two murders to solve in there," she said.

"They'll be one in here in a minute. Look up there! It's a giant vampire bat!"

"It's a moth, Neil."

"It's a giant vampire bat. Look at the gentle fluttering of those wings, the beautiful stripes across it's back ... yeah, all right it's a moth."

But it was the biggest mini-beast we'd ever seen. Eager to preserve this rare occurrence, I grabbed my camera, which happened to be in my hand (I had planned to whack him with it) and snapped the giant moth.

The flash made the winged wonder snap. And he flew towards me.

"He's coming right us!" I croaked. "Run for the Bukit Timah hills, save yourself!"

Batman landed on my boxer shorts, which made me panic. Moths are famous fabric nibblers.

What if he eats his way through the boxer shorts and spots another furry caterpillar?

He might think it's a long-lost relative.

Well, I had no time for an insect family reunion in my nether regions. Standing by an open window, I shook my boxer shorts furiously to get rid of him, an action that I suspect gave the wrong impression to my neighbours.

Finally, we got rid of the moth, via our computer mouse and my wife's T-shirt.

But in eight years, that's my first Singaporean encounter with the giant uranid moth or the uranidae uraniinae lyssa zampa to give him his full stage name.

That's right. I'm a nature geek.

And I'm here to tell you that they could perform a vital role for society. Forget all that breathalyser and walking in a straight line stuff, the Singapore police must incorporate the giant moth drink-driving test.

No human being could drink five pints and say uranidae uraniinae lyssa zampa in one go.

That'll smoke out intoxicated drivers.

"You wan' me to say wha', orifice?"

"Uranidae uraniinae lyssa zampa."

"Can, no problem ... Your auntie urinates in a sampan."

"You're under arrest. Get in the car."

"Can, no problem ... I think I drink too much, orifice. I see giant moths everywhere."

Which is not as surprising as you think.

The giant uranid moth, which can grow to the size of your hand, is a native species that usually restricts itself to the dwindling forests of Singapore.

But in recent weeks, the harmless insect has turned up everywhere from Bedok to Jurong, Commonwealth and the Orchard area.

Nature experts claim the decreasing number of the moth's natural predators, such as lizards, birds and that transsexual serial killer in the Silence of the Lambs, has enabled them to venture out beyond the nature parks.

But I'm not convinced. These giant moths started appearing around the HDB heartlands and Orchard about two weeks ago and do you know what started on May 27?

Well, picture this idyllic scene in Bukit Timah.

"Kate ... Kate, is that you flapping on the branch?" A giant uranid whispers.

"Hey, Stirling. Yah lah, I'm looking for makan, very hungry," replies the waif-like Kate Moth.

"Don't worry, Kate. I've found the answer in TODAY's full colour and completely free supplement. It's called the Great Singapore Sale."

"Wow, that means half-price curtains, duvets and pillow cases. Free makan until July 24! Head for the heartlands, Stirling."

So the giant uranid moths are here for another month. Appreciate the harmless insects while they last.

Just keep them away from the furry caterpillars.

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