The Ties that Bind

So many contradictions in life, the ties that bind you to your loves, can feel made of a strong unbreakable fiber woven of hopes, dreams, tears, a deep desire for the happiness and well being, and at the same time, it can be as delicate as a weakened silk thread. I think sometimes, so much pressure is put on that hearty cord, that it binds, and it suffers hairline fractures not detectable to the naked eye or the fearful heart, it breaks from the pressure, from insensitivity, unmet expectations, disappointments, betrayals, all real or imagined, it gets stressed, until it thins, your heart races, and you try to catch your breath and swallow hard, to hold on to that last little thread, it is still connected, so there is that. Something to build on, something to learn from, something real and raw. That is the hope. The hope that you can gain your footing, and you can thoughtfully, slowly, rebuild and weave new threads of trust, respect, space, being present, love, and light. The wonderful thing about this new light bearing thread is that it is lighter, but it is much stronger, it will hold you, and say gentle prayers for the greatest good, for the highest purpose. It will give comfort, and assurance to those brave enough to offer there thread for the weaving. Sometimes when the ties that bind finally break, it is a release, a stepping back, if one takes the opportunity, one can step back, take a deep breath. It is a challenge when you are a hurt damaged human, to not lash out, and place blame, and keep score. You have to understand that it will not be the same, but it can be better, because this new thread will start from a place of breaking open, and acceptance. I am holding my thread, with hope, and intent. I wont lie, there is also sadness and a grieving for something that is no more. But that thing it was made of before was being held together by glue that had no integrity, because it was made up of pain, and sadness, of keeping peace, of not rocking the boat. My boat has gotten rocked hard, and quite frankly I am not sure the storm is over, but when it is, I will be open, I can only control my openness and accept those I love where they are.

War Torn Heart

I have been walking around here, slowly, in a deep inward shadowy place, a place I must be for now. feeling as though I am barely functioning in this human body. Wondering if Saturday's event could have just been a nightmare. I mean did someone just say those things to me. ( i go back and read her email again just to make sure) Is this my karma. I moved slowly through the day, sleeping intermittently to give my brain a rest with the damning thoughts. I move methodically deep cleaning my kitchen, but at a snail pace as though i were moving in another dimension, stopping for naps, and the reading of Women Who Run with the Wolves, looking for some soul comfort, some words to jump up and smack me. To put a light on this path I am on at the moment seemingly stopped in my tracks. But I do know there is soul work, heavy soul work going on. You see some things will come out of this, i am going to spill my soul to my little sister today, as i have never done. I have done this for her, so I am hoping her heart will be open. I have been thinking about my Dad in this as well, and how i must reach out to him, his pain. I have been thinking about what I said Saturday about a Legacy of Estrangement, and looking back over the generations, it indeed is. Perhaps I can stop it with us, perhaps, i can figure out why this is happening, does it happen in every family?, i don't know. I thought if one or both of my children ever distanced themselves from me, it would be because I was smothering them with trying to "help" at every turn which is why I pulled away, to let them breathe, letting them call me for the most part. I never dreamed it would be because I created pain in them, and let them down, oh how that hurts, my heart feels like it will literally keep swelling, and just burst at the thought of it. I need my Dad right now, I need to try to heal that, I need to heal with my sister, we have done a lot of work, and we are so much closer than we were before, affection is there, she has told me every secret, shame, hope, fear, and i embraced it, and gave her support. I am hoping I can do the same, this is something I must share with her. I can imagine her reaction, but I will probably be wrong. My husband read my Tarot last night, and was confused by it, but I wasn't . It said I will need to dig deep, I will need to dig even though I feel like i am at the bottom and I can dig no further. I need to dig into my reserves for this. Healing can happen. I woke this morning, intentionally sleeping late, to avoid the reality of this pain. I sent my sister a message that i need her, that i have to talk to her, and she is the only one i can talk to. I will talk to her later today. I then turned on my computer, to Rebelle Society, and I read this: "We don’t, not any of us, get to this point clean. No. We’re all dirty and ragged. Rough edges and sharp corners. Fault lines and demolition zones. We’ve got tear gas riot squads aiming straight for the protest lines of our weary souls. Landmines in our chests that we trip over every time we try to hide from the terrifying tremble of our own war torn hearts....But it is your history that delivered you this roadmap of scars. Those healed wounds and their jagged edges are proof of your infinite ability to survive, to knit broken back to wholeness, to refuse that the end is every really the end... Make friends with your teardown. Do not run from your bar brawl for forgiveness. Sit with the times you’ve fucked up and the times you lost all and the days your redemption was delivered by the hand of the last person you ever expected to give anything but darkness. And through it all know that your walled up and torn down, graffiti-covered heart is still the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." Jeanette LeBlanc {peace.love.free} I SO NEED THIS TO BE TRUE. ARE YOU STRUGGLING RIGHT NOW?

Old Wounds

It's amazing no matter how much you think you have dug up, and put a light on the deepest darkest times, how they can flare up, and not just flare up when you think, and they dont always involve your own mental talk, your critical thinker, and they dont necessarily flare up when you are down. It can happen seemingly out of the blue, when you least expect it, like an emotional mugging when you feel harmonic and you are flying high. The reality is I carry a thorn, I dont think I can necessarily remove, because I dont live in a vacuum, I can work on myself, I can get to a good place, but when you carry that thorn for pain you have caused those that you love the most. I made a series of bad decision in the past, and the ones I hurt, there thorn is bigger, and that place is still raw. I have been moving through life the last couple of years, thinking that even though circumstances weren't ideal we were making it work, we were working through it, that all my love, and intentions were a salve for them. I apparently had blinders on, I was letting myself gloss over the pain of others, I was somehow unknowingly, hitting that thorn over and over. The people I was doing that to, didn't say anything, was there tension, yes some, but I apparently was blinded my own wants and needs, my need for this to be alright, to be forgiven, to be understood, to not be a villain. I guess it was easy to do, because I have always been a people pleaser, I did not recognize in this scenario that i was putting my needs before theirs in a negative way. Does any of this make sense to you? without knowing the details, probably not, so I am sorry to be rambly, but this is a deep seated issue that I share with really no one, and that is another issue in itself, that I don't feel that there is anyone that i can just bare it all to, other than my husband, and honestly, my pain hurts him deeply so I would rather not even have that discussion again. I think perhaps if I spoke to a psychologist, or a life coach, I need talk to an objective person. Because in a way I have resentment myself because this thing I did or rather did not do, I don't always feel that it warrants the level of discourse it has caused, I feel that the person it taking this too far, but again maybe I just dont want to accept the pain of it. I am sorry I probably shouldnt write here, when I feel gutted like this. Anyone my point is that this person was holding this in, continuing to build resentment, because even though i was being understanding I was not be sensitive enough to their needs, and the blew on me, went off on me, perhaps justifiably, i wish i would have seen the signs, I wish they would have stopped me and said, i feel that you are being a little insensitive, I am hurt, please dont say that or do that. After exhaustive crying, hurting, being told they are done, negotiating, they need time, and space, and will again open to me if I give them that. Why must I do this? why does it mean everything? it is my child. Have you made bad decisions as a parent, that you did not realize your child was carrying into adulthood? You walk a fine line, thinking it wasn't really that terrible, i mean it was bad, but not terrible, but it was to that child, especially a very sensitive child, it festered and grew until it became a wall. I have stepped away to a degree, i have let my daughters go out into the world to become their own women, perhaps more nurturing, more understanding was in order. How to you correct or rebuild at this time. That is what I am trying to figure out. The irony, I feel that this is a legacy, In a way my sister and I have done this to my father, my niece has done this to my sister, and now it is my turn. I really should have titled this " A Legacy of Estrangment" my own father was estranged from most of his family...where did it start, where does it end, how much karma is involved here?

COYOTE

Finally poured, honored, and just right. A complex blend of plant essence, to honor this wise playful one. He searches, hunts and plays in forest, canyons, scrubby brush and forbidden places.

Coyote hunts and roams gathering the scent of his travels on his coat. Moving low and wiley into the sage brush and cedar, taking a roll on the damp earth, releasing musk to attract his kind. Patchouli and cedar to honor the ancient wisdom of coyote, and Rose to honor this light hearted trickster. Coyote reminds us to be wise, and to never take ourselves too seriously. Pink clay on our paws, and yarrow to nurture and heal. The resins, plant essence, and herbs used in the creating of this soap evoke these images on my journeys with Coyote.

Forward Momentum

Forward momentum is keeping me going, and making me much more productive, which obviously is the point. When you are no longer on a Corporate schedule. When you are responsible for setting and meeting your own guidelines, and deadlines it is daunting, but very freeing. My forward momentum is picking up speed of its own. I had a meeting with a new customer yesterday, to add my product to their Eco Boutique in their Yoga Wellness Center. This pleases me on every level, and shows me that if I just keep moving forward, and working passionately on what I love that I can make this work. There may be periods where I do not feel movement, but meditation, intent, and action, even the smallest action will keep me from the "stuckness". I am so excited about the Native Spirit Collection if you cannot tell. The last to pour is the illusive tricky Coyote. I started blending a few nights ago, and realized that I was much lower on Patchouli than I though. It is on its way, the blend waiting for its final essential oil. Once it is poured, I will unveil them to you, and make them an offering here on my blog. They will of course be in my online shop as well. Do you find it peculiar that I have this need to keep the shop and this blog seperate. I do find it peculiar. Perhaps I feel raw and vulnerable here, and there I am passionate and assured. Any thoughts on the matter? My husband/partner thinks that I am a little silly, you know the whole "worried what other people will think" mentality and that what makes my offerings special is this side of me. The raw, vulnerable, healing, wild woman in me, and that people should see and make that connection. Something for me to further ponder.

RABBIT

Native Spirit Collection-Another offering - a scent narrative to honor nurturing abundant nature of Rabbit. Light hearted yet complex scent. Infused with plant essence, resins, and wonderful healing infusion. Rabbit creates, and explores in meadows, forest, and deep burrowing. Rabbit carries in his mouth, nose and fir the crisp green of meadow grass, a lingering essence of Lavender Field, and sage scrub of prairie. With wild energy Rabbit forages for wild carrot, wild parsley, and golden calendula petals to nurture and heal. Rabbit always moves forward even in fear, sharing his gift of utilizing our abilities and creativity to create abundance in our lives.

I honor you rabbit for moving in and through fear to create abundance.

OWL

Owl has been concocted, honored, imbued, and poured lovingly into is cedar mold. From my Native Spirit Collection, a scent narrative to honor Owl. A complex blend of plant essence, and infusions to honor wise all seeing OWL.

Owl's twilight exploration met with an intoxicating blend of resinous wood, floral blooming night jasmine glistening with a kiss from moon beam. A familiar in flight scent of Benzoin ozone accord. Healing Willow Bark Infusion. Deep lush green of vetiver reminiscent of forest floor. Alkanet for color of night sky. I honor Owl for wise guidance, and all seeing nature.

The Road

It does rise up. After my issues yesterday, and a wonderful edifying meditation, i picked myself up, and set out to find treasures, I found a few which will find new homes shortly. I trusted the road. I received a phone call while out from a Yoga studio opening an Eco Boutique locally (in my neck of the woods this is rare, and very exciting) Even more exciting and affirming to me, is that they want to carry my handmade products soaps, detox baths, etc... I am so thrilled. It is a light on this bumpy road. I so want to succeed at this life that i am choosing. A life that will require, my passion, attention, hard work and intent to elevate in all aspects of my life and journey. I was floating yesterday after that call, i dont know how big the order will be, i will find out Monday, but that is not the point, the point is that they are giving me a chance, we share a philosophy of natural healing and self care. I felt so good, I contacted a previous client of my husband via email. They have a phenomenal store carrying over the top furniture and art pieces. Steve has sold them a couple of pieces of his art a few months ago. I jokingly told him that I am going to manage his art career. I emailed his client and let them know he had a few new pieces. They immediately messaged me back, and said they lost his contact information, and were thrilled to hear from us, and that they are very interested, and want pics of the new work.

Believe me when you are now trying to do what you love, and make a living at it, it is a daunting task as many of you know, but what a great day. That stuff still creeps in, but I now have the tools to snuff it out, and hopefully, i will win the majority of the time at changing those voices, and that conversation in my head. Does this resonate with you? Let me know what is going on in your world, and your tools for meeting those challenges. P.S. I am so thankful for my online sisters, that make me feel held, and understood. When I see and read your blogs it shows me that it can be done, and done well.

This Morning

I now meditate at least 4-5 days a week like medicine, i take as needed, It will become a daily practice, but I am so grateful for the time to nurture myself in this way, to feed my psyche and my spirit in this way. This morning, last night i receive my severance check, and after getting taxed to death, it was quite a bit less than i thought, this has me in a bit of a spin, which i am trying to slow. The voice got an opening to creep in, and say, are you crazy? What are you going to do? Do you really think you can survive this? My answer, is yes in this moment I still choose to say yes, my physical reaction defies that sentiment, but still I say yes. Heavy burning of sage, and incense was required, intense meditation of intent and a calling of knowing to stop looking at the drop off, and feel the weight and vastness of claiming under my feet. Seeing that road, even that pot hole filled road rising up to meet me... I say yes, yes, yes. I say let me not only claim these things, Gratitude, Joy, Energy, Abundance, Gratitude, Prosperity, let me be these things for myself and the collective. My higher self is given the wheel, my light will illuminate my path.

BEAR

The idea? The meaning for me is a blessing, a guide, a way of wanting to be in this world. To follow the guides we have been provided with. Such great teachers, when we try to quiet our minds and open our hearts and beliefs. I wanted to honor with a scent narrative. I wanted to create a tangible that each time I use the soap or smell the soap, it is a prayer, a thank you, a vehicle to take me back to that state of mind, which Bear lead me to the answer. Why soap, it is the medium I work in, and where a lot of my passion lies. The complex scent will evoke the spirit, strength, and grounding of Bear.

Bear exploration of wood, streams, and canyons evokes images and awakens the senses. Bear Blend will be infused with plant essence, resins, and infusions to honor the lessons of Bear. Oakmoss and Vetiver from the damp forest floor, and ancient cedar and fir scratching post trees to mark the ancient way. A healing infusion of Bear Medicine and courting gift of Osha Root (Bear Medicine) Bear digs up, and eats Osha Root, rubs her coast and offers as a courting gift to other Bears. Deep resinous Myrrh for an ancient remembering and knowing of purpose and courage. A grinding and blending of Blackberry, and honey to nurture. This blend is intuitive and i am excited.

Sinking in

Last week was my first full week without normal daily grind of a corporate job. It was not however a normal week. I spent Monday taking my mother to Dr. appointments, Tuesday traveling to comfort loved ones when i heard that my father in law from my previous marriage died after long illness, Wednesday and Thursday are a complete blur of business, leading up to a large festival and a trunk show over the weekend. Now today so far is the first day of waking up, and having no obligations other than to myself, my home, and growing my passion. It is finally sinking in, little by little. Meditation has helped dramatically, to set the days intention, as well as my journey as a whole intention. A lesson in breathing, accepting, expanding. The seeds are planted snuggly in fertile soil, i will nurture them, and know that that this period of dormancy, and slow moving gentleness will blossom and bloom beyond my wildest dreams soon. Sinking in in a different way, to this season of building and planting the life I am meant to have. The life I choose. What are you planting and nurturing this season?

New Works Native Spirit

I am so very excited. I have been planning, and preparing for a new collection in my soap line. I have been planning since late summer. The making will begin next week when i return from festival. What am I working on you ask? It was important to me to create a line honoring the animal medicine that has been gently but profoundly guiding me on my journey. I wanted this to be an intuitive process and over the summer it became clear to me that this collection would be called "Native Spirit Collection" It would be a scent narrative or interpetation honoring what these animals represent to me, and honoring of the gifts they offer us, and Mother Earth. The animals I have chosen for this first series: BEAR RABBIT OWL COYOTE As soon as i made the decision, and these animals came to me, i immediately intuitively knew which plant essence, resins, and essential oils i would use for each, and what I wanted to capture. I blend intuitively, and i am by no means a master blender, but I think due to the intuitive and deep seated nature of my desire, it will work, and it will capture something beautiful. I will show my process which will be different than my normal process as every step and stage will be a journey of its own, with dreams, meditation, and sacred feminine touch.

Morning Meditation

Sage Incense Animal Skin to seat and connect Rattles crystals inbued Holding, honoring, tremendous gratitude. Gratitude, Joy, Abundance Energy. Acknowledgment of JOY ABUNDANCE GRATITUDE HEALTH ENERGY BEYOND MEASURE FOR US ALL. My older rattles will receive special adornment soon.

TURTLE MEDICINE

Today I was drawn to a beautiful piece of art, and had to have it, to hold it, to honor. I have always loved turtles, and have rescued a few. The fortitude and their commitment to get to their destination. My turtle rattle will be used in meditation and in journey. As it turns out my connection today was so very signifigant and timely with all of the scary yet exciting changes I am experiencing. I discovered today while searching the Turtle Totem that

Turtle symbolizes both new beginnings and endings. It is through the ending of something that allows space for something new to arise. This ending may be of an outer circumstance or a change or shift that occurs within ourselves. There may be a sense of loss or even grief over what has passed and yet it is through the energy of Turtle who is very long lived and thus very wise, that we can come to understand why something did need to leave our lives. Turtle can help lead us to that space where we can finally move on, to let go of what has been, celebrate it for the gifts it gave us and finally to turn and head for a new shore. Turtle Symbolism The turtle symbolism is characterized by the association with the Earth and earth symbols of groundedness and patience: Symbol of the world, of the Earth Ability to stay grounded, even in moments of disturbances and chaos Slowing down, pacing yourself Determination, persistence Emotional strength and understanding Ancient wisdom The turtle is also linked to the spirit of the water and the fluid nature of emotions

I CLAIM!

On this day, I claim: My Power My Abundance My Prosperity My Health My Joy My Energy With alignment, intention, meditation and knowing. These things already exist, I claim them. What are you claiming?