While reviewing my 2007 resolution list, I think I only managed to resolve reading through the Bible once. Okay, I think I have also internalize the first of the 7 Habits - Be proactive, even though I occasionally forget to apply that in my life. I think I have to work harder to keep being proactive in all aspects of my life.

I must say it is quite a bad year for me if I just look at my 2007 resolution list.

And, my resolutions for 2008 are:

• Deepen my intimacy with God.
• Spend more quality time with my loved ones.
• Internalize another 3 out of the 7 habits of effective people.
• Inject passion to everything I do.

Yes, I realize 2008's list is so much smaller, but I do not think that it is in any way easier to stick to.

My spiritual walk could certainly improve; in his sermon yesterday, my pastor said there were two types of Christians: one who believes in God 'cos of the blessings God can give, and one who has faith in God 'cos He is God¹. Even though I see myself belonging to the first category, I desire to trust God simply because He is God. To help in my deepening, I will be learning the practice of disciplined grace from Richard Foster's classic introduction to Christian spirituality - Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth.

I do not know how my life will unfold, I could only trust God for His guidance. One nice side-effect of loving God is that His love is so abundant that it will only overflow to bless the others... :)

¹ Just like we should love our parents simply because they are our parents, and not for the blessings/wealth/whatever they could give us.

The deeper our faith, the more doubt we must endure; the deeper our hope, the more prone we are to despair; the deeper our love, the more pain its loss will bring: these are a few of the paradoxes we must hold as human beings. If we refuse to hold them in hopes of living without doubt, despair, and pain, we also find ourselves living without faith, hope, and love.

Parker J. Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness

Sometimes I think I am simply insane, trying to maintain sanity which does not ever exist in the first place. I pursue things of this world which thieves could steal and moths rot them away. I seek things that strain me. I suffer from dementia every now and then, only to, in my clear-headed days, discover that I have simply not learned from my experiences. I willfully throw myself into the deep end of the pool, only to discover that I could not even keep myself afloat. Sometimes, I have given up my responsibility in protecting myself. I think too highly of myself, forgetting that God is the provider of all the good things in my life.

I ask for things that I am not supposed to have; gifts that God decide are not for my own good. I always think that I know best, only to be ridiculed when things go awry. Drudgery has taken over, confusing me why it happened; it could be a fact of life that I have idealized away. I have romanticized too many things, only to be smacked hard when reality sneaks up on me. Why do I only realize I need to treasure the people around when they are gone, while all along I know I should treasure them?

I want to seek comfort in my Creator even when He seems far away. I know He is waiting for me to stretch out my hand to Him, and He will keep me safe from my insanity.

Sharon bought me lunch today.

"Thank you!"

"Hmmm... This is the first time I bought you lunch." she said.

"Really?"

"Yes, every time when I wanted to, you paid and said 'next time, it's on you.' But that next time never came; until today."

"Well, but I do accept treats from others; like from Clement." I replied.

"Ya, but that's because he lost a bet."

"True, but I still do accept lunches from him prior that!"

"Well, is that because he was your boss?"

".... Yes."

"See? You need a reason to accept things from others. You have to learn to accept things from others!"

Today marks my tiny step in my journey to receiving with a grateful heart...

I need to get used to receiving as well; I need a lot of getting used to. Receive with thanksgiving to the giver and God, 'cos God blesses His children through people too. Yes, I have come to serve and to bless others, but God wants me to be blessed by others the same way He is blessing others through me...

I almost forgot that I've come to serve... :(

Lord, I'm beginning to hate myself. I find myself becoming more and more decadent as my days go by. Can you take me away while I still have that little lovable me, before my decay take over? Before I become a stench to You, to this world?

Lord, do you still love me the way You have? You have showed Your wonderful love to me, overwhelming me in ways I could not describe. Do not take away Your love from me. You and You alone love me unconditionally, even though I associate myself with the ways of the world. You remain faithful to an unfaithful me, and I want not to grieve You anymore. I want to rest in Your loving arms once again, now and forevermore...

While there is really no master-servant relationship, I think I have been serving SK since we started seeing each other. I enjoy more in meeting her needs more than satisfying mine. Or perhaps, from another perspective, I am happy when I meet her needs. For example, I helped SK tidy her room recently, and I felt very happy (and loved) when she expressed her appreciation.

However, I could understand SK's worries that I would not be as accommodative and loving to her as I am now after she commits. After all, statistically speaking, a lot people do everything, no matter how unwilling they are, during courtship (and during the honeymoon period). Yes, despite that I have once told her that ideally courtship should continue even after marriage, I think SK still has the lingering doubt that I will fall short of the idealisms I have.

SK is God's gift to me. Marrying SK is really my greatest desire now, not to mention spending the rest of my life with her. I am really praying hard that God will endorse our relationship, giving SK the peace she needs, so that we could start our relationship officially and work towards marriage.

Yes, I know I may be very idealistic now, saying all the things that I will do; yes, the danger of me falling short of my idealism, and the possibility of me being unfaithful is not entirely zero. However, I believe keeping my focus on God, always loving SK, constantly reminding myself of my idealisms, and continually courting SK after marriage will keep my love and passion for SK alive for the longest time possible.

I really look forward to the day that I could tell the entire world that SK is committed to our relationship. In fact, I have not kept my options open since my confession to her on 10 September. I am fully committed before she does, and I am not regretting. I will wait patiently for the day God give her the peace and courage to say yes to our relationship.