It's perplexing to have friends who think they are always in the right, especially with those don't practice what they preach. Well, I must admit that at times I do behave that way too, 'cos I'm not perfect after all. But I think I need to blog my observations to remind myself not to behave like that anymore.

Yes, I may not have seen enough of the world¹, and that my perception of it is anything but naive. Although that is the case, I don't understand why my friends reprimand me when I echo out the thoughts of my naive mind, almost rendering me for being useless. "No, why must you say that? Don't you understand.... blah, blah, blah...." and off they rattle on and on how wrong I am; but they go on to do the very things they preach against.

For example, I said I enjoyed very much meddling with the computer (e.g., programming, trying software). My friend reprimanded me for wasting too much time playing with the computer, and advised me to go out more often to socialize². What's wrong with me enjoying meddling with the computer? It's my hobby! I rolled my eyes when I knew he was wasting time meddling with facebook.

It can be emotionally tiring to have to put up with these people, but I thank God for showing me through them that I behave like that too. I pray I will break this behavior and learn to accept these friends as who they are, just like Christ accepting me while I am still a sinner....

¹ A big revelation SK has shown me.

² And, of course, he continued to rattle on I ought to start looking for a relationship, etc... Duh!

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!

I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done

Lyrics of "What I've Done" by Linkin Park

I'm feeling disturbed and guilty, and I just need mercy come and wash away what I've done. I need to first forgive what I've done, shake the shackles of guilt off myself, and seek God for His forgiveness and reconciliation.

Note: I know I should have chosen a "Christian song" to express my feelings, but I think this song has more than appropriately described my feelings. And other than the lyrics, the music arrangement resonates my struggles too.

Despite I have decided not to traverse the emotional spectrum again, I accidentally made a short trip in it, and hurt SK in the process.

Earlier, she reminded me the possibility of us breaking up one day, with which I responded with the oh-so-standard answer "yup, I am aware that God's answer may be negative." I guessed I hadn't fully internalized that answer because when SK said this evening that she couldn't somehow find the peace to start our relationship officially, I was again thrown into confusion. I spoke some hurting words - words which didn't went through my brain 'cos I said them in the spur of confusion - that grieved SK. However, SK was patient enough to wait for me to apologize, for she knew I was saying those words in the spur of my confusion.

Somehow SK has this amazing ability to bring the best out of me; or to put it more correctly, SK has the capabilities help me change for the better by accepting and pointing out my flaws. Well, I wouldn't say I've become a better person today, but at least, I know what traits of mine I need to work on.

Our affections for each other have grown at breakneck speed, therefore, I was once again way too ahead of myself like I did in September. I believe SK loves me as much as I love her, but she is just short of that peace to start our relationship officially. In fact, she told me that she thought we officiated our relationship last night when we were praying together; perhaps, that peace she had last night was but a flash. I really pray that God will give her the peace she needs. Or the conviction for me to leave SK if this isn't His intended relationship.

Last Saturday, SK executed "Project LL" with her friends - Jo, Yin and Choi, in an attempt to transform me into a metrosexual person. That sounds really like a noble thing; but I know, I was turned into an elaborated, life-sized "play doll".... Haha.... :p

Okay, okay, I do feel grateful of their efforts to "save" me - a fashion disaster - from "eternal condemnation"... After all, Yin is a professional designer, and as SK attest, Yin is very proficient in designing and sensitive with colors. But I'm not sure what Yin was thinking when she and Jo were choosing the clothes; despite me telling her that I was mainly a light-colored person (i.e., I normally wear light-colored clothes), they still tried to don me in dark-colored clothes. They picked a few pairs of dark-colored regular fit jeans, and numerous brown and blue striped polo tees. Okay, it was just me, but I actually didn't have the courage to look at myself straight in the mirror when I changed; I thought I looked very weird. It has been donkey years since I last wear anything dark.

Well, I guess I just need some getting used to dressing myself up; after all, I have been neglecting my appearance for a freaking long time.... Thanks SK, Jo, Yin and Choi.... ;)

I'm only human, so naturally, I have my fair share of struggles in my walk with God. I love this song "What if I Stumble?" by dc Talk very much. It really reminds me of my rugged journey of faith. More often than not, I stumble in my walk with God; a constant struggle that leave me doubting my love for Him. Just as Paul has elegantly said:

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

Romans 7:15
Paul teaches

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Romans 12:2a

What then is socially acceptable may not please God; but I guess I have been (unconsciously) conditioned to accept these twisted "truths" the world is advocating. Usually, I regret doing the things I know I shouldn't do/accept when I reflect on my actions; why can't I just pause and think of God when I'm just about to do the things that grieve Him? How big is God in my life?

I know God will forgive me when I confess my sins before Him; the only thing that may be stopping me from doing that is my guilt. Father, thank you for being my comfort, and my God....

I was very relieved when I received SK's call this evening. Yup, she's back home, safe and sound. I'm really grateful to God for that... :)

We met for dinner, and she thanked God for bringing me into her life when she was saying grace. I too thank God for bringing SK into my life... :)

On a separate note, Mum is due for another checkup tomorrow. According to the appointment card, it seems that tomorrow is the start of the second cycle of her chemotherapy. This is very strange, as the doctor seems to have forgotten to factor in the (white blood cells) recovery period. Perhaps, tomorrow's checkup (and blood test) is to check whether Mum is responding well to the drugs. In any case, her moods are picking up, and my prayer now is that her moods won't take another dip when the next round of chemotherapy starts....

It's been more than a day and a half, and I have not received any news from SK. I'm getting increasingly worried about her safety... Lord, please bring her safely back to our midst... :(

Day 2 of SK's weekend diving trip, and I'm already missing her terribly.

I do not know how to control my affections for SK, and that causes me to experience unnecessary emotional swings. I guess this is simply the effect of being in love for the first time¹ with someone who reciprocated² to my feelings; and in this case, SK. I am truly, madly, deeply³ in love with her now. Right now, I'm just pouring out all my affections that I have been accumulating all these years⁴ to her.

Every moment she is with me, I feel so loved. Every smile she shows, I'm so mesmerized. Every word she says becomes our secret. My world becomes wonderfully different when she is with me.

Last week, I told SK that I decided not to traverse the emotional spectrum anymore. Toggling between no-holds-barred and guard-your-heart made me very emotionally unstable. Instead, I told her that I chose to love her as unconditionally as I could even though she was still seeking the peace from God. I want not to have regrets for not loving her enough should our relationship don't work out. Yes, I may be hurt greatly when things don't turn out well, but at least, I would be comforted that it is not because I don't love her enough. I know my decision has a double-edged effect, but I am willing to stick to it out of my love for SK. I know I'm clumsy handling my emotions, but the feelings that I've been showing her are as pure as they could be.

For now, I'm praying that SK will return from her trip safely. And I want to tell her I love her very much...

¹ I hope SK will be my last as well... :)

² Technically, she hasn't reciprocated: her reciprocation starts officially when God has given her the peace.

³ I know, I know this song sounds very cliché, and SK has already "reprimanded" for saying that to her.... :p

⁴ Yes, I know this sounds cliché too... Haha... :p

SK is away this weekend for a diving trip in Tioman Island.

This evening, SK called and told me that she witnessed the aftermath of a ferry burning. Her ferry circled the sinking boat when it was making its way to Tioman. Her ferry managed to save about 10 persons. One of the survivors on her ferry said he saw his mother drowning before his eyes. The survivors said they did not know what happened, 'cos they were sleeping when the ferry burned. The smoke woke them up, and instinctively, they jumped into the sea even though they were not given any life jackets. Some of them grabbed hold of the tire to keep themselves afloat.

I could sense in her voice that she was shaken by this accident. Tragedy struck when the passengers on that ferry were happily journeying to take a break together with their families. Who would have thought the ferry would burn for no apparent reason? In fact, who would have thought tragedy will befall them when they are holidaying? Although SK prayed for the survivors, she couldn't help but feel depressed for the deceased.

This tragedy reminds me to treasure people around me - my parents, SK, siblings-in-Christ, and friends. There is no telling what is going to happen tomorrow; while it is easier said than done, I should live life like there's no tomorrow today. I pray too that God will comfort the survivors, as well as SK who witnessed the tragedy.

A quick summary on the accident: Of the 98 passengers on the manifest, 94 were rescued. 4 were drowned, and 5 injured. The local police were still searching for survivors 'cos they believed there were a few more passengers who were not in the manifest.

I'm starting to feel the thorns in the bed of roses. I am not complaining; in fact, I am grateful that this comes in early. We need to cross this if we want to bring our relationship to the next level.

I visited her church today. Though the time was short, SK's mentor, Doris, prayed for us after SK introduced me. Then we met her friends - Elaine, Jo and MS - for lunch. However, deeply affected by what happened yesterday, I wasn't in a sociable mood, thereby leaving a very bad first impression. My moods lightened up a bit during lunch, but it wasn't enough to revert me to my normal self... :(

While we are not in the resolve-conflicts stage, our emotions are traversing the emotion spectrum wildly these days. SK told me that she was switching between happiness, exasperation, and indifference when we went out. Whereas I am switching my feelings for her between no-holds-barred and guard-my-heart modes. I know I am emotionally needy, and for that matter, I actually hate that part of me; when I least want it to come out, my emotional beast comes and makes everyone unhappy.

SK has been extremely patient with me. She has endured, and still is, parts of me that are under-developed. She cares enough for me to endure those parts, and not give up trying to make our relationship work. Though she recognizes our character differences, she believes that our relationship will work out if it is God-intended. Personally, she wants our relationship to work out too. However, she is choosing the harder way in handling our relationship; she wants to seriously think through whether she can accept the imperfect me for the rest of her life¹. She wants to be sure that she can accept my idiosyncrasies. She says she would rather be tired going through this thinking process now than to be tired for the rest of her life regretting for not considering carefully.

There are so many parts of me which are so unlovable, yet SK is still actively seeking God on our relationship, and is willing to try accepting me. I have to grow up from the immature just-do-what-I-want me. I could only draw strength from God to change. Though she shouldn't be my reason for changing myself, I would still very much want to change myself so that she doesn't have to see the worst part of me anymore. She is the most important person to me now...

¹ Whereas for me, I'm choosing the simpler and idealistic "accept her as who she is unconditionally" way.

Feeling reminiscence of an old blog entry now...

Mum's moods took another dip today, but her moods picked up when I chit-chatted with her after I reached home. I am thankful that God has given me the abilities to help mum picking up her moods. Perhaps, perhaps God is using me to communicate His love to mum... :)

On a separate note, I'm missing SK today. I sent her a message

Heyo, felt the urge to tell you that God loves you... and I love you too... ;)

but she reprimanded me for covering up my real intentions by "inserting" God's love in the message¹.... Haha.... :p

¹ I really felt the urge to tell her "God loves you"...

Mum cried today. She was depressed, wondering how she was to continue living. To her, the road to recovery seemed to go on forever. And today was only the second day into her first chemotherapy cycle... All I can do is to be by her side, and pray for the Lord to give her the peace and comfort.... And, yes! Mum allowed me to pray for her today! Now, I could only hope that she will open herself and accept Christ as her personal Savior! Hallelujah! :)

He is faithful. After speaking to me yesterday, He showed me Matthew 7:7 today:

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

Then He put an old worship song - I could sing of your love forever - in my heart... I'm totally immersed in His love right now... Thank you, Father... :)

I really, really, really miss SK very much today. Although we parted ways yesterday at about 11pm, I cannot help but miss her so much. Why, Father, why are you torturing my heart so much?

"My child, you have to be patient; you have to wait."

"But, Father, haven't I waited long enough? I have waited for so long before this wonderful woman appear in my life."

"No, my child, I have been preparing you, molding you all these time. For now, you have to learn to wait before me."

"But I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together! I love her so much!"

"But you haven't loved me enough. You have also not learned waiting before me patiently."

"But Father, haven't you given me the convictions earlier? Now, I cannot imagine living without her... I want to be with her... I care not for the world; I just want give all my love to her." I teared.

"My child, aren't you going to give me your love too?"

"....."

"My child, I know your struggles, desires, and, well, simply your heart. But you have to learn to trust in [me] with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge [me], and [I] will make your paths straight."¹

"...." I cried.

"My child, be still and listen to me. I come not in the wind, earthquake, or fire, but in silence² I whisper to you. Still your heart, wait before me patiently. By then, you will no longer care about the answer you seek; you will rejoice in me in good and bad times³."

Lead me in Your ways....

¹ Proverbs 3:5-6

² The full text is from 1 Kings 19:11b-12 "Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper." This was how God spoke to Elijah the prophet.

³ This is the gist of Habakkuk 3:17-18 "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior."

The easy part of our relationship has ended, and the hard just started. Nope, we didn't bring forward our "deadline" of 10 Oct; in fact, we pushed it back to a date that God Himself will determine. In a lot of ways, this decision is better than a simple yes or no.

Why are we doing this? Is SK feeling uncomfortable of our relationship? Well, kinda. It seems that we have kinda conveniently made God take a backseat these days, especially me. I have been focusing on SK more than seeking God after He has given me the convictions. I'm very grateful to SK for being so brutally honest in sharing her reflections. God spoke to me through her sharing when we met for dinner today.

We've been meeting almost everyday for the past two weeks, enjoying each other's companionship so much that I hardly set aside (quality) time seeking God's will on our relationship. SK feels that we are not submitting our relationship enough to God; we have put each other above our need for God.

In addition, SK also feels that we have not been spending enough time understanding each other's character. Well, we do have some feel of each other's character in general, but it is not enough. What if I have some jarring flaws, which have not surfaced, that she can't accept? She said that we should also ask our friends to help us "assess" each other because, after all, we might be blinded by love now. She also suggested that we should start visiting each other's church as a means to find out our understanding of God's words.

Her sharing today reminded me of my concern about a month ago. Before my confessions of my feelings for her, I asked her whether we should cut down our intense messaging, emailing, and "dates." Back then, I was very concerned at the speed our "relationship" was progressing; I thought we ought to slow it down so that we could have more time to know each other better. Well, after my confessions, as well as my acceptance of her past and my God-given convictions, things seemed to simply progressed exponentially instead. While I cannot deny the exponential progression might be God's work, I think I shouldn't have tossed out my concerns of "chemistry rush" totally either.

SK felt burdened, and suggested resetting our focus in seeking God. We both agreed our relationship needed God more than ever, as it progressed too fast, and we both wanted to start this relationship with marriage in mind; there is no turning back once we start. SK has a conviction that she will not start this relationship even if she only has a single doubt. She said she would give her all when she was very sure our relationship was indeed God intended.

I am really thankful that I have met SK. God has ministered to me through SK so much that I have already received a lot of blessings even when we have not started our relationship. SK is truly a great companion to have in my walk with God. I believe she will not be upset if I put God before her... It's not easy, but I'm more than willing to try... :)