Today's the eve of the 10-day countdown to the moment of truth. SK will tell me, on 10 Oct, what her convictions are for our relationship. Whatever answer she gives will have great implications. If she says yes, we will start our relationship proper¹, and also run the parallel thread of planning for wedding. Yup, things are on the fast track, but SK and I have the same mindset on our relationship. Pressures and conflicts are bound to happen, and from then on, we really have to trust God pulling us through all these chaos, and strengthening our love in the midst of these. In any case, God has kept us together despite a couple of hiccups thus far, so I believe He will continue to guide us in our days to come.

If she says no, I can only respect her decision, and try to get on with life again.². I think I will be very sad, 'cos, unlike the previous nine, SK has been on my mind in almost every waking moment³. She is too precious a woman I love, and giving her up is no easy task. Then again, forcing her won't do any one of us good; she is not the type of woman who will accept things forced upon her. Besides, I also want her to be happy even if she can't be with me. Yup, time will heal all wounds, but time can never remove the scars. I shudder thinking how life would be without her... She's only one more step to becoming my oxygen...

In any case, I believe God has His best intentions, no matter the outcome in 10 days' time. However, I could do hope that God will give SK the same convictions that I have about a week ago⁴.

¹ Well, despite all our going out these days, we are kinda like casual dating for the time being.

² I can only say what might happen to me; I can't be sure how SK will feel if things don't work out.

³ Sometimes, in my dreams too.... :p

⁴ Well, at this point in time, I believe my convictions are given by God.

Mum's conditions were not as bad as we anticipated; yes, her cancer relapsed. No doubt they found cancerous cells near her kidney and on her liver, the doctors were quite optimistic that the new round of chemotherapy would help in eliminating the cancerous cells. Yes, the doctors said that the cancerous cells were very aggressive, and the chemotherapy till July was only good enough to control their metastasis. However, mum is not entirely beyond cure despite the metastasis. I would only pray for mum's speedy recovery, so that she could attend church with me. For now, I guess I could only pray that God will open her heart in the midst of the new round of chemotherapy.

On a separate note, I had dinner with SK and her friend yesterday. SK was sharing her frustrations working with her colleague, which deeply affected her moods when she was on her way home. I didn't really know what to say, and for most of the time, I tried disrupting her train of thoughts, as well as being silent and simply lend her my ears. I felt quite helpless that I could neither fully share her frustrations, nor hug her to tell her that I would be there for her. I could only pray that God would keep her in His love while she was going through her frustrations... :(

Lost....

Mum was hospitalized again on Saturday. She complained having an acute pain somewhere near her right kidney area that morning, and we rushed her to the hospital. Having an acute pain so suddenly is very worrying, especially when she is a cancer patient. I tried (and am still trying) to be as optimistic as I could, hoping that it was nothing more than some elderly ailments.

Today, the doctors told my dad that my mum's kidney and the location she was operated on¹ were swelling. For now, they have no idea what caused the swelling; my mum's chemotherapist said she could not find anything in mum's urine and blood tests. Therefore, the doctors decided to send my mum for more scans and tests to find out the real cause.

I am just a layperson; if it is really a relapse, the cancerous cells within mum must be malignant². And I guess mum might not be able to hold till that long to see me settle down³. I could only pray that God will put His healing hands on her long enough for her to open her heart and accept Christ; she's beginning to open up, and I don't want her to go before Christ becomes her savior.

¹ The doctors did not state exactly which part of her body; they operated on at least three different locations.

² She just completed her chemotherapy in July.

³ It is one of her desires.

Monday blues... Something that I have not experienced for the longest time possible. In fact, I can't recalling ever suffering from Monday blues. Haha... Therefore, I can't even be sure whether I'm suffering from Monday blues today....

Anyway, I am very comforted to have Jasmine sending me messages, asking me what happened when she read the previous entries. Thanks, sis! :)

In any case, I'm simply listless today, tossing myself between extreme ends of the spectrum how I ought to face her next time. How on earth can I be affectionate, and yet guarding my heart at the same time? I do not know....

I guess my optimism kicked in so much that I forgot God's answer might be "No."¹ Aching, aching, aching... I'm allowing my heart to ache today; tomorrow, I will choose to be joyful, 'cos God has given me a lot more other gifts since the day I met SK.... If SK and I are together, it'll be a "jackpot"; otherwise, the small "winnings" in other aspects of my life aren't that shabby either....

Be joyful, dear me.... but that will start tomorrow, ya?

¹ For that matter, (I believe) the signs are clear, and the stars aligned, and SK is THE one. But if she vetoes, I guess there nothing the UN can do to salvage the relationship.

It was but a dream that I woke up too soon from... Perhaps I just wasn't worth having...

I think I just have to thank God for giving me another chance to learn an important lesson.... But I guess I'm just a fool who doesn't learn....

I have just hurt the one I love once again. I am just way too ahead of myself, not knowing how to guard my heart, and inevitably, put unnecessary pressure on her. I know it takes two hands to clap, but it is only now I realize its full intended meaning. I was so sure, but now, confused. It's a chained-combo slash on me 'cos I've hurt her again....

It has been so long since I last felt this, and this time, I just want a break from myself...

In less than an hour's time, "SK-and-SL-free" weekend will be over. But being only human, I guess all our notions of "beginning of a new day" start only when we wake up the next day. Technically, that means SK and I have not talked for more than 60 hours! OMG!

Well, in another sense, SK and I have been talking in the past two days. We were connected via our prayers to our Father in heaven, 2330hrs daily. It is really a wonderful experience, under the same night sky, going to Him at the same time, together with the person I like, praying for each other. My heart is filled with joy in these two days. The last message, prior to the start of "SK-and-SL-free" weekend, SK sent was "The joy of the Lord shall be our strength." (Neh 8:10) Amen to that! I hope she too is experiencing the joy of the Lord... ;)

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.Habakkuk 3:17-18

I am bathed in His love, and I want to thank Him no matter how things unfold between SK and me... :)

I met Weijun for lunch today. She is my long-time friend since our polytechnic days. When I asked about her current relationship, to my surprise¹, she was still seeing the man she met 10 years ago. She has not married him simply because he couldn't give her the sense of security she needed. However, her boyfriend did asked her about marriage, and they decided to start planning it next year².

Weijun continued to share about her health conditions, which weren't too good for the past four years. She became more pessimistic, and had once considered giving up living. It was her mum's love, and her love for her mum that persuaded her not to. Praise the Lord! After her sharing, I thought all her ailments were caused by her stresses from her work, relationships, and some other personal things. She is seeing a psychiatrist who is helping her to get out of her stresses, hoping that will relieve her from her health problems.

I also told Weijun about my relationship with SK³. And she felt very happy for me, simply because I finally found someone who could appreciate me. While she agreed with me that I ought to take things slowly with SK, she also encouraged me to officially start going out with SK. Other than the age factor⁴, Weijun thought that officially dating SK would help me to understand SK better, and resolve our differences earlier. Well, her suggestions made sense; SK too told me that our getting-to-know process would not stop after the one month deadline was up. However, I am afraid that I will conveniently push back seeking God's will beyond the one month deadline. And I think that is one very irresponsible and unfair act to SK if I were to do it.

In any case, more than 30 hours has passed since SK and I have our last conversation, and I am beginning to ***********⁵.

¹ Actually, I wasn't that surprised, since she told me the same thing last year.... :p

² And that means, by the time she marries, it will be about two years later.

³ Er... Today is supposed to be first day of the "SK-and-SL-free" weekend.... :p

⁴ Have I mentioned that SK is four years my senior?

⁵ I am not supposed to say anything 'cos today is the first day of the "SK-and-SL-free" weekend.... :(

Over lunch, SK's friend asked whether she was happy seeing me. And shortly after, SK called me, told me that defining question which mattered, and said "Unlike my previous relationships, I feel very happy seeing you."

I was very touched by her answer; we meant so much to each other....

However, we agreed to "take a break from each other" over this weekend to cool our emotions down a bit. We are simply too "addicted" to each other's presence, which we think is very unhealthy for us; for that matter, our relationship have not even begun (officially)! We decide to pray for each other's spiritual well-being, and for our relationship during this "SK-and-SL-free" weekend. In fact, we are starting this "break" tonight! We want to be right before God first, not wanting to create any opportunity for the devil to lead us astray.

On a separate note, I discover that SK and I could enjoy each other's companionship even when we don't exchange any words; silence is simply another channel for us to connect. And for that, I am very grateful to God. And for that matter, I look forward to the day when we could sit by the beach, looking at the beautiful blue sky, enjoying each other's presence in silence... :)

I cannot be sure whether our little "separation" will make our hearts grow fonder, but I'm sure that it will bring us closer to God.... :)

I hurt SK unintentionally yesterday when we met for dinner. I was still struggling internally about accepting her past when we met. I didn't know what to say, but I still tried my best not to surface that struggle in front of her. Even though, at that point of time, she couldn't place her finger on it, she sensed that I wasn't my usual self; in fact, she thought I was judging her because of her past. But she didn't show any signs of being hurt throughout the entire dinner.

However, she called me after the dinner, and told me how she felt like leaving the restaurant, wanted to cry so much, and thought she needn't allow herself to be judged by me. She said she didn't leave the restaurant because she decided to submit herself to God and let Him lead.

I hurt SK unintentionally, despite my best efforts not to. I pointed her immediately to my previous blog entry, asked for her understanding in my struggles, and apologized that I had hurt her unintentionally. In fact, we cleared some very important issues, which helped me in my struggles in accepting her past.

And God answered our prayers; I woke up this morning without the weight of the burden I had yesterday. When we met for coffee today, I enjoyed her presence so much that I was even reluctant to part with her. Today's experience was radically different from yesterday's. And there can only be two reasons:

1. God has simply taken away my burden overnight.
2. I am already molded by Him to have the capacity to accept her unconditionally through my previous (failed) attempts in getting into relationship.

Whatever the reason is, we are both very grateful to God for His faithfulness. And for now, before the one-month "deadline" is up, we will wait before Him patiently at the foot of His throne, praying for His guidance how our relationship should proceed from here...

I am struggling very hard within myself now. SK has told me how messed-up¹ her previous relationship was. Her sharing opened my eyes, and made me realized just how ignorant and idealistic I was about life. And I finally understand why people think that I am just a young kid despite my physical age: my life experience just isn't rich enough...

I live in a "clean room" environment, and to me, the world is largely a beautiful place. I know there are sides in the world I am kinda curious of, but am fully aware that I shouldn't step into them. To me, those sides of the world are at most surreal; never in my life would I have thought I might be stepping anywhere near them.

No, SK is not from that world, but her previous relationship seems to have made her "take a little short trip in it". Oh well, I don't really know the minute details, but my simpleton mind tells me that she has stepped into that world for a brief moment².

I realized how naive I was after hearing her sharing. In all my life, I have always thought that I have seen enough of the world to know how rough life can be. I thought my ability to mingle with the gangsters³ made me a little more streetwise, as compared to my peers. I thought that being raised in the middle-lower class family had made me come in contact with more people who were baptized by the harsh realities of life, as compared to those born with silver spoons in their mouths. But I am wrong; the surreal world that has attracted my curiosity via the movies and songs suddenly becomes so real to me now.

I am struggling now whether or not to find out the minute details of her previous relationship. One part of me wants to know more about it, simply because I don't want my imaginations losing its rein⁴. But the other part does not because it doesn't want to add on to my struggles in accepting her past unconditionally. Yes, I know everyone has a past, me included. To be fair, she has done nothing wrong; it is just that her past is simply not what I have expected. Believe me when I say I'll work towards accepting her past.

I woke up rudely this morning after dreaming of her and her ex-boyfriend⁵. I felt my heart dropping, and immediately I prayed to God. Despite that, till now, my heart still feels heavy. I feel so helpless, helpless in my inability to accept her past so readily. I need a heart as big as Jesus', and for now, I could only pray that God will grant an imperfect me a heart of love that transcends all in this worldly earth.

I would really want to have her to walk in the Light; I want to have us basking in His Light together. But I'm just a puny human, with a heart corrupted by the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. My emotions are all jumbled up, and I seem to have lost the ability to differentiate which is which. However, I could clearly feel my heart aching as if something is trying to tear it out from me; and that pain intensifies when I think of her.

Remember I have once said "life is too exhilarating for the faint of heart"? I guess I'm in the loops section now.... For now, I wish I could simply fall into His embrace and care not of the worries and burdens of this world for the longest time possible... Father, keep me in your arms...

¹ I couldn't think of a better word, so we will have to make-do with this one for the time being.

² To protect her from coming under fire, I won't reproduce her sharing here. Worry not; she is a good lady who happens to be misled for a brief time by her ex-boyfriend.

³ Although a few of my friends are gangsters, I have never joined them in their activities. I guess, to them, I am simply their friend who is from the prim-and-proper side of life.

⁴ I think it is utterly unnecessary for me to tell you that I have a very imaginative mind: manga has a huge influence on me.

⁵ The irony is I have never seen her ex-boyfriend before. His face was simply a blur in my dream.

Haha, I did not blog for the entire month of August! It seems like I am not taking my resolution to blog more often seriously enough... :p

Anyway, mum has finally decided to quit her job and rest at home. She revealed her intentions of visiting her relatives in her hometown next year. She said she wanted to spend some quality time with them while she was still fit enough to travel.

On a separate note, I think I have fallen in love again¹... And for the purpose of this entry, I will address my newfound love interest as SK².

I met SK in an internal course conducted by our company's training center. During the course, I found out that she was on very good terms with one of my church friends. Therefore, with a common faith and having one common friend, we hit off quite well.

Within the span of three weeks³ after our acquaintance, we have met four times for lunch/dinner and twice for movies, chit-chatted for no less than ten times over the phone, and sent countless messages sms/emails to each other. I feel very comfortable talking to, and going out with her. And I really, really appreciate it when she enjoys all my crappy jokes⁴; most people, after a prolonged exposure to my crappiness, will simply tell me to stop irritating them. Somehow, SK could accept the two sides of me equally well; the previous person who could is the pharmacist gal (fellow sister-in-Christ worshiping in the same church).

Although I think I like SK, not to mention I think I've finally found the one, I couldn't help but wonder whether I'm attracted to her simply because I am single for so freaking long. And because everything is happening so fast, I am afraid that it is all just a chemistry rush. Yes, I am wary of my own feelings, and I don't want to hurt SK⁵. I also want to receive a crystal-clear sign from God that she is the one He has prepared.

Last evening, while having supper after the movie No Reservations, I told her that I liked her. It was kinda like a confession except that I told her that I still couldn't see myself committed to her. Although I didn't like setting a deadline for God, SK wanted to have an answer from me in a month's time. Well, we agreed to pray about our relationship, and let each other know in a month's what God has showed us during month-long prayer.

I am not sure how things will turn out, but I'm sure no matter how it turns out, God is behind the scenes molding me.

¹ Oh well, it's seems like I am always falling in love, and if there ever were an occupation that (handsomely) pays people for (truly) falling in love, I think I might be a millionaire by now... Haha... (^_^;)

² Why must I use a code as her name? Well, things aren't finalized yet, so I think it is better for me not to reveal too much first. And if you are not a geek, believe me when I say "you simply have no idea how powerful (read: scary) the internet, or rather, the search engines are." And if you still don't believe me, just try searching your name using your favorite search engine to find out....

³ Actually, we met a month ago; immediately after the course, she went overseas for a business trip for a week.

⁴ Maybe she simply has a high endurance for my crappiness... Haha...

⁵ Well, for that matter, no animals were hurt in this blog too either... :p