I have been wondering what the hell I have been doing for the past 8 years being God's child.

I don't think I truly understand what it means to count the cost or carry the cross. Yes, I know salvation is free 'cos of His grace; but it is free to us (read: me) 'cos Christ has paid the price so I don't need to. It is a fact that I know, but my behavior seems to be telling me that I don't fully comprehend the great love Jesus has for me.

Tell me then, why is it that only during times of trouble I would pray to Him more regularly? Why is it that I keep falling to the same old sin? Why is it that I desire to be with Elena more than to be with God? For the past one month, I felt wretched and tortured by my ways, which like quicksand, kept pulling me in as fast as I struggled.

"Remember Jesus' words on the cost of discipleship?" God asked when I was going home this evening. And as I was composing this entry, I turned to the scripture on the cost of discipleship (Luke 14:25-35), God again pointed to me that He was to be at the top of my priorities. "There is no sharing, my child. 'If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot be my disciple.' (Luke 14:26)"

I have to work on my walk with God again... God wants to be at the center of my life; self have to give way for Him...

I am contemplating whether I should buy a mp3 player or a mobile phone that can double as a mp3. The major disadvantage of getting a mobile phone cum mp3 player is that it cannot have as much storage space as a mp3 player (and usually sound quality is not as good); the major advantage is that I will never miss a call again when I'm plugged in. Hmmm.... It's quite tough to decide which one to get..... Advice, anyone?

I am feeling very tired..... Tired with everything, including living.... Somehow, I feel that my clock is ticking and soon I will be no more.... I just want a rest...

But don't worry, I won't end my life prematurely....

I have had enough! I really don't get: why are people using the word "revert" when they actually mean "reply"? According the dictionary, the most common usage for "revert" is "To return to a former condition, practice, subject, or belief".... Are people embarrassed to use a very common and easy-to-understand word "reply", preferring something that "sounds" more sophisticated/bombastic, all without realizing that they are grossly wrong?

People of this generation have assumed what they know for too long, and the dictionary is grossly under-utilized. No one, absolutely no one will ever hear me utter "Elena has reverted..." or anything along that line; I'll stick to "Elena has replied..."