Well, in any case, the following account does not explain why I feeling better today....

Last night, feeling agonized due to my "depression," I went to my room after finishing my work. In total darkness, I could almost feel my world collapsing on me and felt like crying. Then, as I prayed to God, I could feel myself being wrapped in His loving arms. Albeit the comforting feeling wasn't that intense, I think it was enough for me to be comforted by Him. I prayed for submission and for wisdom, not for the purpose of "scoring points" with Elena, but for the intention to re-prioritize my priorities, that setting God as the center of my life should be at the top of my list, not second (well, guess anyone would know who the person is to have been sitting at the number one spot.) The turmoil was calmed, and I had one of the best "concussions" since... since I don't-know-when... (Anyway, I dreamt of Elena too, but this is not the focus of this entry....)

Rain bile on me if you want, but right after waking up this morning, I sprang immediately to the mode of taking-things-into-my-own-hands again, and attempted to devise plans on how I ought to communicate with her. Well, praise be to the Almighty, I could feel something (or rather someone) within me reminding me to "let go and leave things into His hands." That "alarm" lasted for quite some time and eventually, the stiff-necked me¹ did heed to that.

(Again, I must stress that the following account is not the reason why I'm feeling better today, and is not the focus of this entry.)

I reached the office quite early today (perhaps around five minutes past nine), so quite naturally, I didn't expect Elena to have already reported for work (surprisingly, my expectation to see her was declining fast as I was approaching her desk with each passing second.) Okay, not an entirely big twist, but she was at her desk (staring at the monitor, I think), and with a momentarily hesitation, I just walked up to her, and asked her how she is managing her cell group. (For a record, the conversation lasted no longer than the time required to cook instant noodles.) Then, I followed up with an email, shortly after the short (pun intended) exchange, asking her more questions, which (yes, to my surprise) she replied around an hour later. (For yet another record, I replied with yet another mail at around 2pm.)

(Again, I must stress that the account above is not the reason why I'm feeling better today, and is not the focus of this entry.)

So, what is the focus of this entry? The path is really easy when God is in charge. I have always been usurping the authority from God, foolishly believing either that I'm in charge, or I still have to put in the more effort even God is providing. Well, this morning's "incident" taught me a valuable lesson: trusting in God and striking the balance in the amount of effort to put in are very important. Yes, I trust that God will provide, since He delights in giving gifts² to His children. But man cannot just sit and wait for things to happen (or putting it in a more theological manner: man cannot just wait for God to do all the work); man must contribute to the work God is leading in order to paint the perfect picture. This lesson is evident in, and central to the theme of, the book of Nehemiah. My contribution is important, but letting Him determine how best to use it is of utmost importance.

Yes, I think the manner this lesson is delivered is kinda weird, but well, the important thing is: I'm learning an important lesson! No longer this lesson is understood by me through mere reading (i.e. head knowledge); I've learnt it through experience.... Rejoice!!!!

This is one lesson that is long overdue...... (as in I should have learnt it earlier!!!!!) But better late than never, right? ;)

¹ Yes, that's how I describe myself, since I think I am a rebellious child. If not, how do one explain why I'm still sinning? (Of course, I know that we are all saved by grace, and that despite that we are already saved, we still do sin.) Anyway, I "labeled" myself as stiff-neck 'cos I want to remind myself not to follow the footsteps of the rebellious Israelites back in the OT.
² Although God delights in giving gifts, the channel He gives His gifts is not always "easy-to-swallow" in nature. I believe that sometimes these gifts come in the form of mishaps, and the true nature of these gift is the lesson to learn from it. Emerging stronger in faith, and character is the best gift God gives. ;)

After yesterday's entry, I realized that my emotions have been going through yet another roller-coaster ride, not unlike those previous accounts.

Fair enough, since I admit that I'm an emotional creature, I guess my slip into "depression" must be due to "that biological day of the month" which is like "haunting" me "biologically" since day one...

So what the moral of the "story"? Recognize and acknowledge that I'm emotional, grit my teeth, hang on to it, and continue my kamikaze style in loving Elena...

Have been extremely busy last week, so much so that the earliest time I could rest my head was normally after 12-1am...

And last week was one of the most agonizing weeks I've ever been through... Work wasn't the only thing that kept me busy; affairs of the heart were torturing me too....

Well, as mentioned in the previous entry, I was advised to start the proper communication with Elena, which to my dismay, it didn't occur last week. I kept looking for the chance to do it, but either I was too caught up with my stacking work pile, or somehow she left earlier than usual.

"You know what? During one of those days while I stepped out of the office in my 'dazed mode', Elena tried getting my attention by waving her hands in my face when we dumped into each other in the lift. Then we chatted a bit before she left for her friend's place." Shaun told me, over lunch today.

That account from him dealt a severe blow in my heart, 'cos pessimistically, I believed I would never receive the same treatment Elena has given to him. Well, deep inside, I admit that I do hope she hasn't developed a liking for Shaun, and of course, Shaun hasn't developed one for her too (yes, I know I'm being very selfish here). But the blow geared more towards the side of "why-the-hell-am-I-not-talking-to-her"...

For one thing, I am the very person who wants to get closer to her, to know her, and to love her. But I, too, am the very person who seems to be the one standing between Elena and myself. If the "signs" God has given thus far is that she is the one, why the hell am I doing the very opposite thing?

I don't know, but I know deep inside, loving her with my all is the very thing I desire to do for the rest of my life. However, ironically, thoughts of giving up surface every now and then, lulling me to take the easiest path to resolve this "thorny issue". But I know, I know that I desire to spend the rest of her life with her. Why, then, is there two conflicting forces within me, tearing the vulnerable me apart? Are my past experiences in being rejected holding me back, convincing me to "play safe"? Damn it, but isn't "playing it safe" the surest way to rejection again?

Why do I keep thinking that "shielding her from as little pressure as possible" my best attempt in courting her? Yes, I know hard sell isn't going to do any good either, but is my "least-pressure-exerted" attempt actually my cowardice in disguise? I reckon my timidness is actually the truth, but damn it, why couldn't I just overcome my very own weakness that I know so well of?

I don't know... I really, really, really love her, and I don't want to regret for the rest of my life... God, I pray, not for more courage to be bestowed to me, but for the wisdom and determination to muster all courage You have already given me since the day You have knitted me in my mother's womb....

Pray for me, too, will you?

Eunice thinks that the path has been laid and I should start taking more concrete actions instead of continuing to admire Elena from afar. She suggested that I should ask Elena out for dinner, instead of lunch. She felt that everyone in her division would know Elena is lunching with me, which, in her opinion, might be a little pressurizing Elena. Dinner wouldn't be as stressful for Elena, since the time spent would be the time after knock off, and hence the chances of her division knowing would be minimal. Eunice suggested I should prepare the topic to talk about, and asking Elena about the managing of cell group would be a good one to start off with.

Francisca shares Eunice's views that I should be doing something more concrete, but she felt that asking Elena out for either lunch or dinner isn't appropriate for the time being. She feels that I ought to start proper communications with Elena, perhaps via email first, to build a proper friendship with her. Francisca agreed with Eunice that asking Elena about cell group management is a good topic to start off with.

I am truly grateful that God has pointed me to these two friends who are so supportive of me courting Elena. Almost everyone else thinks that I ought to give up and move on - even Leeanne thinks that I ought to "get over and done with"; but Eunice and Francisca are so supportive and they are even praying for me on this. (Okay, okay, Jasmine, Serling and Keng Kiat are supportive too).

I really hope that things will turn out well between Elena and me... God, if You will, can I ask for yet another sign, Gideon style? :p

Received a wedding invitation this morning. I think this is the funniest one I've received thus far. Nope, the core of the invitation content isn't funny. The hilarious portion lies at the end of the invitation. It says:

Your well wishes are most coveted by the merry couple
But above that, if you desire to give gifts
Cash gifts will be appreciated.

Hahaha....

I've been "reprimanded" again today...

Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment to disputable matters. One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him...

As one who is in the Lord Jesus, I am fully convinced that no food is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something is unclean, then for him it is unclean. If your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother for whom Christ died. Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken as evil....

So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves. But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin. Rom 14:1-3, 14-16, 22-23

Well, reprimand is too strong a word.. haha... But nonetheless, I was told I wasn't sensitive to the people when I "corrected" them their views on Christian living (just read through my previous takes to "anger" yourself). Well, I was told that I was fortunate to be attending a church that teaches doctrines true to the Bible, and that I should really cherish these treasures I have gathered thus far. Even though I may have the "more correct" view of the Bible, that doesn't mean I can go around "correcting" people. I must stress that I don't "correct" people as a way to feed my ego; in fact, I'm usually furious that people are kind of "legalizing" the Bible unnecessarily and quoting verses out of context. I thought my "corrections" could "liberate" them from the "wrong" views they are holding close to their hearts for years.

And from the "reprimand" today (and actually a similar reprimand happened a couple of weeks ago), I realized that I have taken a "wrong" approach in expressing my "good" intentions. I'm not sensitive to these fellow brothers- and sisters-in-Christ. I'm not saying that I'm stronger in faith; just that, as Paul have said, what I do and/or say, I shouldn't cause another to stumble. I guess I just have to watch my mouth closer next time (although that would bring up another question: how do I watch my mouth when my eyes are located above it?)

Have been very busy these days, from trying to complete the development of an application to testing a margin trading system, I barely have enough time to complete the stacking pile of work....

Received the following email from her today....

Hi,

Thanks for the gift. Appreciate your kind thoughts, but really not necessary to go to such expense in future. May you be blessed in return for your generosity.

Best regards,
Elena

And needless to say, I'm very, very, very (multiply infinity) happy today.... :D

Well, almost everyone was like reprimanding me why the hell I didn't give the chocolates to Elena directly. "That's so insincere of you!" is one of the typical "bile" I received... Sigh....

Anyway, I do felt the whole incident does have a scent of sneakiness in it, but hey, she doesn't know when the chocolates were placed on her desk (most likely she'll think I went in earlier than she did and I left the chocolates on her desk in the morning... Haha... I do hope she'll like the chocolates... And that she isn't put off by my actions thus far....

Ever since the beginning of this month, after the barbecue pork slice incident, I have been thinking about Valentines'. Well, as mentioned in the previous entry, I'm not expecting to celebrate the V day this year. So what exactly have I been thinking about Valentines'?

Needless to say, I have been thinking whether I should get anything for Elena. I shared my original intention with Serling, Keng Kiat, Shaun and Jennifer - that is, in order not to pressure Elena, I won't be doing anything. But, as the big V draws nearer, I was beginning to have second thoughts, and hence, decided to consult Francisca. After all, I think it would be best not to do anything - thus no pressure given to her - but since she already know that I'm holding a torch for her, not doing anything doesn't seem right....

Francisca, in her usual patient manner, advised me to just buy something small for Elena - a card and a rose. She said that since Elena already know my feelings, buying something small won't hurt anything, and the gift would send her the signals that I'm still holding a torch for her, which all in all, is a good thing. Her words struck me to the core, and somehow I felt a thorny issue that has been bothering me is resolved instantly. But if I were to buy a rose, I would have to buy it today, bring it home, put it in the fridge, and take it to the office tomorrow morning, 'cos the florist won't be opening that early, and it is best not to give her anything in the presence of her colleagues (or she'll be embarrassed.) So I called Kailin immediately, asked for shops with good chocolates, and hit off immediately to buy them.

"Sir, looking for Valentines' gift? Would you like to have this box set?" the salesgirl asked.

"Oh, okay. Can I have dark and milk chocolates of any shapes except the heart shape?"

"...."

And immediately after paying, I went to purchase a card, went back to the office, and wrote "Elena, Happy Valentines'!" on the card, and left the gift on her desk....

Hmmm.... somehow, I felt so sneaky about the whole thing, but ultimately, I still feel glad to have bought her something.... :)

Exactly one year ago, I blogged about my "most hated day of the year".

Well, since the beginning of the year (or should I say, since the last), I'm not expecting myself to "celebrate" this commercialized day. However, I was that optimistic enough to declare that this year would be my last year spending this "highly consumeristic day." Haha, talk about foolhardiness at work….

Anyway, I read an article recently on how people have became more and more pragmatic in this game of love. "What? Valentines' Day is the day businessmen laugh their way to the bank! No, we don't celebrate Valentines'," and "Why must we celebrate our love only on Valentines'? We can do it everyday!" are common responses from most people (according to the article and my observations thus far). While there is certainly have a ring of truth, I'm beginning to see the pragmatism in these views. Just a quick survey, how many of these practical people celebrate their love everyday? Or to be fair, how many of them celebrate their love on days other than Valentines'? I'm definitely not a statistics collection person, but I believe the answer would be "not many."

Am I advocating that people should jump into the "traps" laid by the greedy businessmen? In a way, yes. To me, I think it's kind of impractical to celebrate your love everyday, 'cos I think excessive celebration would sort of "cheapen" the love a couple has for each other. Celebration should be made in moderation. I'm sure no matter how deep the love between two persons is, receiving a bouquet of flowers everyday won't achieve the same effects of receiving a bouquet one in a while. Yes, there are definitely other days to celebrate the love, say on the anniversaries (such as the first date, first kiss, and definitely wedding), but if the couples are the forgetful type (especially the men!), I see that there's nothing wrong in riding the "consumerism wave" and automatically be reminded every year.

To the singles like myself, there isn't a need act aloof (admittedly, I used to do that), and be "sore" about this. After all, deep inside, I admit I do want to spend Valentines' with the person I love. But for now, I don't even have the option to choose between celebrating and not.

Today's one of the days that my pessimism got the better of me. I was wondering whether I would ever be with Elena. Given how slowly things have progressed, I thought of giving up, and perhaps just "grab" anyone on the streets and settle down, well, for the sake of settling down. Nope, it's not that feelings for Elena has ebbed; it's just that, well, I've never been confident in the "game" of courtship, and I'm just plain afraid that rejection will give me a punch in my face yet again. I don't know, but somehow, I felt that this time, despite nothing (as in relationship) has ever started, I have given too much - in terms of my focus and commitment - and I'm afraid I would do the unimaginable when things don't work out... Yes, I can be a very emotional creature, and there are times, I would lose my head due to the unbalanced hormones.... I'm beginning to feel that I can't leave without her.... And that, I think at least for now, is a very bad sign....

Tomorrow is the last day of the week (as in working day of the week), and I'm not very happy about it....

Anyway, I've prayed about my relationship with Elena. Although I'm not too sure, God seemed to have answered my question "Is she the one?"... His answer seems to be "Yes, she is the one, but the time is not ripe yet."

Well, if that were really to be His answer, I guess I could only try to improve myself during this period.... And it seems like taking up cooking lessons is one of the things I ought to do... Other than my recent contemplation on whether I should take up cooking, Mum asked me when I would be cooking for her so she could take a break from cooking.... Hmmmm.... Is God telling me that through my Mum too????

[Disclaimer: This entry is about my take and interpretation on Christian living. If you are the type who think that Christians who don't live by your standards (or more accurately, your take on Christian living), please stop reading any further; otherwise, you might end up burning in anger, and think that I’m the black sheep among Christians. You have been warned!]

If you have skipped the disclaimer, please, please do me a favor by reading that carefully again before proceeding.

I’m not being judgmental or critical¹, and definitely not trying to appear morally upright or holy. For a record, I'm definitely not a very morally upright or holy person; I readily accept that I’m flawed.

First, answer the following 3 questions:

1. Can Christians gamble?
2. Can Christians drink (as in alcohol)?
3. Can Christians lie?

I believe most would have answers similar to the following:

1. No.
2. Yes, but in moderation.
3. No, it is stated in the Ten Commandments.

Well, I beg to differ. (Please read the disclaimer again if you are starting to flame.)

On the question of gambling, why is it that most people (non-Christians included) think that Christians cannot gamble? Where in the Bible is it stated? Yes, gambling can lead to addiction, but that would only happen when excessive gambling is involved. Similar to drinking, I think that gambling in moderation is permissible and as long as it’s done in the context of having some small fun with family and friends. Of course, for those who think that they cannot moderate their gambling, please, please, by all means, stay away from gambling.

As for the issue on lying², my take is: it’s not very right for a Christian to lie, but there are times lying is condoned.

Suppose we are in the situation that we could maintain peace by telling a white lie (e.g. telling a white lie to prevent a family from breaking apart), are Christians permissible to lie? Yes, I know some times telling the truth would be better, but what if the chaos can only be calmed by a lie? Remembering that half-truths are lies too, I would choose to lie to maintain the peace. Am I having a double standard in handling things? Nope, I don’t think so, ‘cos I think Christians are sinners, too, and there are times that we have to choose between the lesser of two evils to make this world a better place to live in.

No doubt the Ten Commandments are given by God, but I believe that God would understand that we would frequently³ break the "Laws". The "Laws" do not give life; grace does. We shouldn’t interpret the "Laws" based on the face values; the essences of the "Laws", as distilled by Jesus, are:

1. To love God with our hearts, and
2. To love our neighbors as ourselves.

¹ I will blog on that some other day.
² Not telling the whole truth (i.e. half-truths) are considered as lying too. For example, a child could tell his mother that he is going to school. But he leaves out the part that he's going there to meet his friends to play basketball. The mother would have happily assumed that her son is going to school to study.
³ In my opinion, whoever says that he/she rarely sins is a liar.

Somehow, the words "How willing are you in cooperating with God?" hit me today.

I pondered quite some time over those words and it dawned to me that those are simply another way of expressing "Respond willing to His love", but perhaps in a more concrete manner (although the reason – His love – is lost).

Yes, we know we should respond willing to His love, but very often, when the world starts tempting, we would somehow gravitate to our desires/insecurities and forget all about God, no matter how momentarily it would be. Yes, those of us with stronger faith would ultimately still choose to listen to God and not the world, but before that happens, as mentioned, I'm sure the desires/insecurities would take over the mind (and perhaps heart) for a few seconds when faced with temptations.

But it's strange that although we normally won't even think about cooperating with our "enemies", we would consider cooperating with the world when the enemy of God tempts us. Is it because the enemy is invisible? Could be, but the actions that accompanies the cooperation with him are not. So why is it that most of us would happily cooperate with the enemy, only to regret after the unspeakable is done?

I don't really know how to approach this scorching problem. I can only hope God will teach me how...

Went to the sector head's house today, for a festive dinner... Well, since it was a political dinner, I had no choice but to attend... Luckily, since Fiona and John wanted to leave early, I quickly excused myself once the dinner was over and went off with them.... One of the good reasons for not owning a car... ;)

N.B.: John gave us a ride to the sector head's home, and back too...!

Went to the doctor's this evening, and was prescribed Famotidine and Motilium tabs 'cos he said I'm suffering from Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease. He told me that although it is primarily a gastric disease, it could also affect the bowels and hence cause excessive bowel movements (thus explaining my diarrhea)....

Well, looks like I would have to rest more over the weekend.... But one thought did occur to me: is this disease actually a symptom to my love-sickness? :p

I was truly astonished to see Elena today (and nope, we didn't bump into each; I just saw her at her desk, alone, having noodles for lunch). The reason being: she was so out-of-this-world beautiful (sorry, her beauty today is, again, indescribable.) She was in this long white sleeve shirt, and even though I didn't know what the color of her skirt was, she looked so, so classy (again, a description that's not even 100 times near).... At that moment in time, I knew one thing for sure: I could just survive by gazing at her... Soon, soon she will be as important to me as oxygen is..... ;)

One of the reasons why I have not been blogging the last few days is: I'm suffering from a terrible diarrhea. If I recall correctly, it started last Friday, though the situation back then was quite mild and I simply brushed it aside. But since Saturday, I think I must have taken quite a bit of junk food, and at yesterday's noon, I finally couldn't take it anymore, and puked. Yup, I think I did appeared normal to all the people around me prior yesterday (I don't think Serling and Keng Kiat noticed that I was kinda unwell when I met them on Monday). Anyway, as the clinics were all closed yesterday, I could only endure through the entire suffering by sleeping through the day (spending a good 18 - 20 hours on the bed). Well, what you reap is what you have sowed: I'm suffering from a terrible headache now, due to an overdose of sleep yesterday. And yup, the doctor has prescribed me some medications, and I'm on medical leave today.... Sigh..... this translates to 6 consecutive days of not seeing Elena...... Talk about being sick - physically sick and love sick....... sigh.....