Today, it is the first time I saw Elena dressing down. She wasn't in her usual professional-looking attire; she was in this short sleeve, round neck t-shirt (I'm not too sure whether it was tight-fitting or not, though.) But, OMG, she still looked so gorgeous!!! Yes, yes, perhaps it's the beauty-lies-in-the-eyes-of-beholder playing tricks again, but still, she looked so different today, and I don't think I will ever grow tired seeing her in this forever (actually, whatever she's wearing, I wouldn't grow tired seeing her in those too.) Mushy? You bet! :p

Anyway, in a wedding dinner last evening, I showed Lizhen Elena's photo (don't ask me how I got it, but I can tell you it isn't a photo snapped secretly), and her immediate was "How old is she?"

"4 years younger than us." I replied

"Hmmm......"

"Why? You think she looked younger than that?"

"No, I couldn't tell initially and I thought she is of our age."

I was left speechless with her response...... Speech... Less..... I was SPEECH...... LESS........

Whatever, Elena is Elena, and I like her just the way she is..... ;)

As I was in the midst of the torturous jogging session today, it dawned to me the reason why I am still unattached is most likely that God is teaching me a very important lesson. I can't say for sure, but perhaps, all these time, He is teaching me to treasure the person He has prepared. Probably, if He doesn't teach me such an important lesson, I would, *gasp*, probably be sleeping around like nobody business (I must stress the word probably!!!!) Okay, that's too strong a statement; bringing that down to a more realistic level, most likely I would be changing girlfriends frequently (nope, I'm not praising myself indirectly... :p)

I had an enjoyable lunch with Francisca today, 'cos we were quite open to each other in our sharing. She was quite surprised with my awareness of the recent exam fever her son (and herself) went through a couple of weeks ago, 'cos she didn't expect an unmarried person (like myself) paying attention to these things (oh, don't let me tell you how much a gynecologist package cost nowadays.)

We shared about our recent developments in life, our current work (sadly, work woes) and even our takes on life. I could feel (mind you, I felt, not deducted) her love for her son in our conversation, and I kinda envy her son for having her as his mother (hey, I love my mum too, and I could feel my mum's love for me too.... wait, am I beginning to sound like mummy's boy? Nooooooooooooo........!!!!!)

Anyway, I was quite taken aback when she asked me on my development with Elena ('cos she told Elena she was lunching with me, as a colleague), with which I responded with something along the line of "what's meant to be is meant to be." Haha, I guess that was the best answer I could give at that point in time.... hahaha...... :p

We ended up fully utilizing the 2 hour lunch break (oops!) and I look forward to our next lunch meet up.... :)

I'm back blogging, and this first entry isn't that triumphant....

One thought popped in my mind today, and till now, I couldn't come up with a satisfactory answer (for myself.) This is one age old question, and seriously, I've been brushing it aside for a long, long time....

What if I were to be diagnosed with an incurable disease, and I only have, say, 6 months left?

Well, if I contracted a fatal virus, like H5N1 (or more commonly known as bird flu), I don't think I would have that much of a problem since death is usually quite swift thereafter. But, assuming I'm in the last stage of cancer (say brain cancer), I asked myself what I would want to do in my last 6 months (or less) on this world; and I couldn't come up with any good answers for myself.

In movies, (auto-)biographies, and maybe even testimonies (second hand accounts, that is), these people would fulfill their last dreams, do meaningful things, and make proper arrangements to ensure the well-being of their families are taken care of. Yes, there are also some who deny the cold, hard facts and wasted more than half of the remaining lifespan before coming to terms (and I'm not too sure whether I will fall into this category.) And so, I assumed I would want to be like the first group of people (i.e. fulfilling dreams, do meaningful things, etc) and thought of the things I could do.

The first item, top from the list - fulfilling dreams. Sigh, this first one incidentally happened to be the first to left me stumbled: my dream all these years is to be blissfully married, and be both a good spouse and parent. But it would be incredibly difficult to find one who is willing to marry a dying person. And hell, this is impossible 'cos I don't even have a girlfriend! So, one unfulfilled dream.

Okay, perhaps I should lower my expectations - be in a relationship while I'm still alive.... But reality is harsh: if I'm unable to get attached all these years, what makes me think that it would easier for me when I have only 6 freaking months left?!! Perhaps, someone might pity me, and decides to fulfill my last wish, but damnit, that's not a real relationship! So, strike that *more realistic* last wish off the list....

Well, then, I guess the only thing I could do is to tell whoever she might be at that point in time that I like her. But so what? An act just to fulfill my last wish? To become more regretful that I didn't tell that person while I was still healthy? Sigh.... but I may just have to settle for this in place for the impossible dreams mentioned earlier....

What other dreams do I have? I asked myself again. Regretfully, I couldn't think of any and so I looked at the second item on the list - doing meaningful things.

Okay, what kind of meaningful things do I want to do? Things that, perhaps, will have a (tiny yet) meaningful impact on others. My passion lies with the kids, so I reckon I could frequent orphanages and do voluntary work. I'm not too sure whether that kind of work would add meaning to the remaining life that I have, but I guess that is the closest meaningful thing I think I could do.... But damnit again! I examined my motives behind this and uncover the question "Am I doing this just for the sake of doing it?" Think I ought to burn in hell - not even am sure of myself...

Disgruntled, I moved to the last item in the list - making arrangements for my family - and found that, other than contacting my insurance agent, there isn't much I need to do. After all, I don't own any other assets, so these arrangements can be made in a couple of days.

What then? After covering the last item in the list, I'm left unsatisfied with my "answers." OMG, my life is so freaking empty! Ambitions are bullshits in the face of death... No, include most things as bullshits.... Working on a closer relationship with our Creator? Harlow, I ought to be doing that now, not only when I'm dying....

Am I thinking too much (again)? Perhaps.... So should I leave these till the day the (in-)famous phrase "I'm sorry, you have only 6 months left" to be dished out from the doctor and slap me in my face? I don't know. I really don't know, but somehow, the issues of life and death seemed so real to me.....

And hell, I'm scared shitless.....

N.B.: Pardon the language used, but I think that expresses my feelings in a better manner....

Update: One other thing I could do - prepare myself for the day to have the angel(s) lead me to see our loving Father.... Standard answer, no less, but I guess this is one thing I could really do.... ;)

I'm suffering from "writer's block".....

Last evening, I attended Jason's wedding, but it wasn't like any other wedding dinners... [drum roll.........] it felt like any ordinary dinner on any other night in any other setting (except a wedding.)

Lackluster? You bet!

I noticed I've been displaying the following traits these days:

1. Poor memory, and
2. Mad like a cow.

And, after pondering for quite some time.... Sorry, what was it again? Oh ya, I concluded that I'm a carrier of the mad cow disease....

One of my latest addictions: Su Doku...

Reason? It originated from Japan, my favorite country! :p

I believe the reason behind my downcast mood, other than the obvious reason (i.e. Elena), would most likely be due to, may I say, "emotional tiredness."

I think I'm just exhausted going through the whole emotional spectrum, and instead have "switched" to the "emotion saving mode", thus dulling my senses from experiencing emotional highs.

Unlike the majority of the people out there, I've been shying myself away from IE, and, instead, have been using:

I adore this free web browser since I started using it 'cos it doesn't give me as much headaches as IE does. But the drawback is: there are some IE specific plugins/tags/css styles that I can't view...

(And nope, there isn't any music playing in the background when I visit certain sites....)

I don't know why, but my moods kinda sank today.... Perhaps it was due to "Elena's trilogy"....

Today, when Owl and I met Sharon for lunch, I didn't feel at all happy to see a friend "who-just-came-back-and-is-going-away." I sat there, most of the time silently munching my sandwich, listening to the two ladies exchanging news and gossips.

"Hey, I tell you......"

"Well, my boss/colleague is kinda...."

Nothing's wrong to "see bile splattering" since no workplace is perfect, but even the supposedly amusing exchange didn't lift up my moods....

Have I unconsciously allowed her to occupy so much place in my heart (albeit one-sided) that I've rendered myself helpless(-ly in love)? I must admit that I'm one weak person... and there's nothing wrong to be weak....

I didn't see that coming (oh, forgive me) but it seems like the "sequel" came upon me earlier than expected.... at the time when I was making my way home....

She was dressed in black blouse with a matching black skirt. She stood outside her cubicle, just in front of the window, looking at a group of people doing aerobics. Her gaze seemed to exhibit a distant, lonely mood, elevating her beauty to a surreal level... Even though that I only saw that for a few seconds, that indescribable scene is already deeply etched in my heart....

Talk about a series of "follow-ups", I dreamt of Elena for the first time last night (well, quoting Kylie "can't get you out of my head".. oops, I did it again!) In my dreams, she was so chatty! Well, well, it doesn't mean anything, just thought that I ought to put it in my blog....

Then this morning, I believe I saw her sister (that is if she has one) on the train, although I couldn't recall when she boarded it. Her "sister" wasn't traveling with her, so I couldn't be sure. I deduced that she might be Elena's sister 'cos:

1. She resembles Elena,
2. The make up she put is strikingly similar to E's.

I couldn't tell whether she's younger or older than Elena, so I guess their age gap isn't that huge. However, this "sister" of hers is slimmer and taller (but I guess these won't be good enough to estimate the age.)

Whatever the case is, I'm not blogging this 'cos I'm interested in her "sister"; I'm blogging this cos I thought this seemed to be a "follow-up" to yesterday's incident.... Wonder when part 3 will be released? :p

Okay, okay, I'm aware that this is the one issue that most likely has gotten onto everyone's nerves, but I'm still entitled to "echo my thoughts", right?

Anyway, the last incident took place, OMG, almost 5 months ago (for a record, it was on 12 May 2005.) Hence, when it happened today (the last day of the 5th month), I've allowed myself to tumble into confusion (and inevitably, am going to draw fire from Sharon when I meet her for lunch tomorrow.)

This morning, I just "commented" on the higher probability of me being knocked down by a car, as compared to me getting married (yes, negative energies flowing out abundantly from me.) In one of the SMSes Jennifier sent, she told me to stop dreaming¹ and don't end up marrying an old hag (I'm sure I won't 'cos I won't marry for the sake of marrying.) Haha, I even quipped that Elena's the goddess of my life and that no one can take over her place (believe me, that was really done jokingly....)

Anyway, I've been carrying on my life in a pseudo-"giving up" state for the past few months. While waiting for the next train to arrive, and after whipping out my (almost) brand new gadget (i.e. the Sony PSP), Elena walked past me on the platform. I'm not too sure whether she noticed me 'cos I was on sitting on the bench behind the pillar on the station platform. Of course, the thought of going up to her crossed my mind, but that was quickly dismissed 'cos I know making such a move now would only make matters worse². Anyway, we boarded the same train (but different cabin) and went on our way towards the west...

I admit I tried to discreetly look out for her on the train, and I admit I tried (my very best) to appear oblivious of her presence. But I was happy... for no apparent reason³, I was just happy...

The thought of asking God why this incident happened did cross my mind, but I've decided not to ask... After all, this could have happened for no apparent reason, so why should I delve into this deeper than necessary?

¹ Prior this, she told me to try "threatening" my supervisor's boss (who happened to be my lecturer-friend's husband) and reap the "benefits" of a fatter paycheck. I responded with "If the counter offer includes Elena, I'll do without the pay!"
² Yes, I'm aware that all these are just my assumptions.
³ Well, she could be the "apparent" reason....

My weekday routine:

Morning:

• Drag myself out of bed
• Wash up and get dressed
• Embark on a 45 minutes' journey to work
• Work (what else?)

Noon:

• Lunch
• Work (what else?)

Evening:

• Pack up and go home
• Have dinner with parents
• Check email
• Idle my time away with the computer/books/television
• Sleep

* The routine will have a slight change on Wednesdays for that's the day I attend cell group after knock-off.

Mum: Find a girlfriend and get out of this routine....
Me: (eyes rolling up) ......

I think I'm not too dumb, nor am I too intelligent; I'm just knowledgeable in my realm of training (i.e. IT), thus giving most of my colleagues the (wrong?) impression that I'm a smart person. Tell me about the various margining methodologies, and I'll be lost in no time. I've come to conclude that whenever I can't connect things, my puny brain will simply switch off and set off to Wonderland/Neverland/Fairyland/whatever-land for vacation in its favorite Hawaiian beach wear. After all, since the gray matter is unable to comprehend everything, let alone linking, it thinks that there is no reason for itself to destroy its own brain cells. So what's the moral of this blog entry if one does exist? The moral is: everyone's an expert in his/her realm. So, harlow people, I'm just an average joe who happens to know how to solve problems with my IT skills (effectively and efficiently, if I may add); just look at how I fare in my (non-existent) love life to discover the failure(s) I've made all these years....

Financial Planner: Can you fill up this survey form for me?
Me: ...... (filled up the form unwillingly and deliberately left out a lot of details)
FP: (Looking at the date of birth field) Er... How old are you?
Me: ......
FP: 21? Are you working? Or are you still attending school?
Me: ..... I'm 27.
FP: Oh! You looked so young with your baby face!
Me: ........

Last Saturday, I attended a friend's matrimony (which lasted for freaking 2 hours, no less!) and was engaged in a conversation with one of my friends, Mosquito (yup, that's her nick!), which is as follow:

Mosquito: How old are you?
Me: Me? 27.
Mosquito: When would you get married then?
Me: After I've managed to find a girlfriend....
Mosquito: What?!!! You must be joking! You're not attached?
Me: Ya....
Mosquito: I don't believe you....
Me: Huh?
Mosquito: I don't believe you are not attached...
Me: (eyes rolling up) I'm not, and have never been. If you still don't believe, ask Willy... If you have any good candidates, do introduce one to me....
Mosquito: No, no, I don't believe.... Come on, you're kidding me.....
Me: Grrrhh.......
Mosquito: I'll not end up like you...
Me: Huh?
Mosquito: I'll not stay unmarried when I'm your age....
Me: (bark, bark!!!!)

Okay, okay, my barkings were fictitious, but hey, why is my singlehood [all these time] unbelievable? Grrrrhhhh........