Can't believe I've spent close to 150 bucks on books this month! Ya, I love reading, but somehow, I never get to finish a book I've started.... Too many distractions? Hmm...... must control my spending.... Hey! Wait! That's a book I MUST lay my hands on!

Haha, nothing interesting happened today, save for the dinner with Georgina at a Jap restaurant. It has been more than one year since I've met her, although I did ask her husband to pass her the birthday card more than one month ago (and shucks! Her husband seemed to have forgotten to do that!)

Anyway, she commented that project managing would be a good path to pursue, and that I ought to get the most out of this project I am to handle (of course in the context that I'm really managing it on my own, and not just merely help out!) However, I'm more interested to pursue a financial analyst plus IT professional combo, since IT has always been my passion, though on its own there's not much market value and hence I have to complement the financial analysis skills with it would be a killer-combo!

Okay, it's a dream I can only fulfill after I've completed the CFA program..... provided the chance is there when I'm over and done with CFA! Argh!!! 3 more years!!!!!

I think it's kinda official now: I'll be taking over Leeanne's project which I'm helping out now, while she moves on to take over Michelle's job. Which means, I have to spend the time to piece together the correspondence Leeanne has made all these time, as well as all that I have learnt so far, so as to get the full picture and manage the FX margin trading project on my own (with the grace period of a few weeks to receive guidance from Fiona, and occasionally from Leeanne when she's free.)

I was told the handing/taking over will be on 1st September, and gosh, all the best to myself in trying to clear my 18 days worth of leave for the remainder of this year!

N.B. Clement asked me whether I'm interested to join Sungard as a developer 'cos they are hiring, and he would be glad to help pull some strings to get me in. A tempting offer, with the catch that in event that they do want to employ me, I'll have to move to ChristChurch, New Zealand, for who knows how long.... Should I or should I not? Hmmm............

This morning, I had to teach the children in Sunday school that Jesus will still be angered by us whenever we are not doing the right things.

"Now, remember that although Jesus loves us, He'll still be angry with us when we do the wrong things. Just like your parents - they love you too, and they will be angry with you too when you are naughty. Think for a while, what are the things you think you've done which you think will cause Jesus angry."

From their simple "sharing", the common wrongdoing they share was chiefly not to say the word "stupid" or "f**k" (don't ask me where they picked that word up from), and not to bully their friends. But for me, what wrong have I done thus far? Ya, we are not sinless, but when I couldn't live out Jesus' first command - love your God - I felt I was the wrong person to teach them such an important lesson...

Perhaps, the lesson was delivered not only for the children, but was also for me....

Would I see someone I cannot foresee myself spending the rest of my life with? I don't think I will, since there's no good reason to do that. Yah, the chemistry might be there, but that doesn't mean all will end well with a marriage for life for the both of us. After all, it may merely be just physical attraction playing its devilish tricks. I won't say physical attraction isn't important, but I'm fully aware that it should not be the major criteria deciding who I go out with.

Of course, some would gladly reprimand me for being idealistic: after all, how can I be sure I can be committed to another whom I don't know well (read: Elena)? Well, for some unexplainable reason, I know I just can. Yes, I do know quite a number of beautiful lady-friends, and I've seen a freaking lot more beautiful strangers working around my workplace, but I don't feel the same level of commitment I could give to Elena as compared to them. So I think my beliefs in commitment is thus far being on the right track, just that I guess I've applied it earlier than I ought to.....

It seems, at least from the previous blog entries that my life is as wretched as it as get, and I must admit that my spirits were really low since last week. And because of that, my work accumulated, and for the past 2 days, I was (and still going to be) busy clearing them; work has helped putting the rejection off my mind, and I'm walking slowly out of depression.

Perhaps, only in my blog entries do I flaunt my emotions freely; normally, I would bring joy and laughter to all those around me (I'm sure most of my friends can attest to that!) and I pride myself in being able to do just that. But why do I portray a totally different image in these entries? As mentioned, to pour out all sorts of emotional experiences without being constrained by any taboos.

I'm really appreciative of all my friends, cell members and colleagues for the concern and encouragement shown thus far. It's really time to revert to my happier self..... :)

This is the second time within 5 days that God has played a "cruel" joke on me... at least from my perspective these days, the "jokes" seemed "cruel".....

Prior the turn of events last week, I had been hankering for the chance to bump into Elena; yet that "coincidence" didn't occur as frequent as I would like it to.... But on Friday, right after walking out of the cafe with Sharon and OWL, I saw her walking in front of us. And today, due to the rain, she was walking in front of me again when I was on my way back after buying lunch!

No wait! Make the joke count to three. At around 4pm plus, I went to CMS to get some clarifications from one of the VPs there (note that CMS is situated just beside her department.) While on my way (nope, I didn't bump into her), I bumped into another person whom I thought I could ask for his opinion on the matter I had problem dealing with (another note this person is from CMS.) However, as we discussed over the matter, we inched closer and closer to Elena's desk (I didn't do that on purpose) and for no reason, he stopped right in front of her desk and engaged actively in our discussion. OMG! Luckily, the partition that separates her desk and the walkway is quite high, so I didn't see her.... Ya, it's really no big deal about it, but at that point in time, I felt very, very awkward.....

Now, that reminds me to up the joke count to four. This is definitely very, very "cruel." For a record, I have never, at least if my memory doesn't fail me, dreamt of the pharmacist gal at all during the 2 years when I was emotionally attached to her. On top of that, I have never ever dreamt of Elena until last night. I dreamt her walking away from her desk, while I was standing, talking to someone whom I couldn't recall who he/she was; she was walking away from my direction, never having laid her eyes on me. For quite some time after I woke up, I secretly wished the old wives' tale has a ring of truth in it: it was said that dreams are an exact opposite of what is going to happen in the reality. I know I shouldn't believe in all these myths, but for quite a number of times, I wanted to....

Oh yes, the count is upped again by yet another incident! Right after the email she sent, on that very same day (Tuesday), I bumped into her (I was with a group of colleagues) at the lift lobby at around 7:45pm, as she was (I guess) making her way home, and us making our way back to office after our evening jogging session.


Things which I wished they would happen didn't occur frequently prior last Tuesday; yet, all these happened within such a short span of time, one after another! Why am I still so affected by it despite the incident is already a week old? I'm so freaking useless...

Why is it that every time when I'm being rejected I behaved as if the world has come to an end? (Yes, I'm fully aware when the world truly ends, the impact is far bigger in scale.)

Just this morning, my pastor queried my well-being, and when I answered "Not too good," she knew my spiritual and my "love" lifes are affected ("love" are in quotes since it doesn't actually exist. Actually, she said since relationships have taken a big portion of my life, so she deduced my failed attempt has affected my spiritual life in the process.)

I ended the not-so-detailed sharing with "Why put the need in me when He's not going to answer it?"

"Well, perhaps the time isn't ripe yet; maybe He thinks that I'm not ready for a relationship yet..."

Albeit these are "standard answers" (which I could dish out myself any time), I appreciate the concern my pastor, as well as all my friends, has shown. But the statement I've made is, in effect, questioning my faith in God. I'm disappointed, but must I go through these many times of rejection? In fact, am I being reasonable questioning His authority over me?

I'm sure the devil and his minions are giggling now - they're eager to have me join their barbecue session after Christ's second coming...

Despite that she's just sitting 'round the corner, I'm beginning to miss her....

To my surprise, I thought Sharon would jeer at my folly but her words comforted me last week.

hmm... so ok what.. she didn't tell u to get lost in the face

hmm..dun think too much.. didn't leeanne say she hated her husband's advances at first?

Not that I'm hoping things will turn favorable, but her words did remind me nothing on this world is predictable. It all depends on where He leads, and of course, how "cooperative" I am in allowing Him to do so.... After all, I have to come to terms that His answer includes "singlehood"....

As a matter of fact, I know a couple of my friends would very much want to tell me to look forward and carry on with life afresh after this episode with Elena; and the reason they are holding back is because the time isn't quite right yet - after all, you don't expect a recent stab in the heart to stop bleeding immediately.

Ya, yet another fresh wound, bleeding profusely, despite the fact that nothing much actually happened. But given my stupid ideals with regards to relationships, I think it wouldn't be that difficult for anyone (even for those who don't know me well) to deduce that I'm very depressed now.

Damn it! Why haven't I learn from all the previous rejections? There is a limit to being stupid, and it's very frustrating to keep repeating the same stupid mistake. Yes, I am frustrated with myself. I would very much like to know why time and time again all attempts to enter a relationship ended before they even started! I'm so freaking stupid, hopeless, useless.... and now, even my patience with myself is seeping away. I would very much want to give up on myself....

I feel very helpless now.... depressed..... and I have not turned to Him to seek comfort..... damn me......

Second email from Elena, after another latte from me this morning:

Hi,

Thank you for the coffee and the grapes the other day. Actually I've been wanting to tell you not to go to such expenses in the future. I appreciate your kindness but it's really not necessary. Hope you can understand.

Thanks for your generosity and God bless,
Elena

The undertone seems to gear more towards the negative side. However, Leeanne suggested that I ought to find the opportunity to, sort of, verbalize my intentions and get a closure from Elena. But, somehow, I feel by doing that, I am kinda like cornering Elena, forcing her to make a decision....

I really have no idea what to do next.... :(

Most of us want to be different - in the things we eat, the clothes we wear, the mobile phones we use, etc - which basically we just want to lead a different life as compared to our peers.

"Oh gosh, I'm not going to buy that [insert your favorite object here]! [Insert name of friend here] already has that!"

"I have been wearing that dress for six months before it is imported!"

I know I may just be ranting, but think about it this way: it's ironical that our pursue to be different make us all identical.

Hmmm... Nothing too deep about the previous statement; while we're striving to be different from our peers (or even the whole world), that very goal is the denominator that makes us all the same. So what if I want to own something uniquely mine? Ultimately, everyone else ends up owning what we already have.

Of course, despite all these, I don't include very specific goals such as marrying Catherine Zeta Jones or Tom Cruise, but more general goals (reusing the marriage example) such as marrying a Hollywood star.

Each and every one of us is unique in his/her own ways, so why the need to pursue such material (and dare I say, useless) goals? So what if you are living right in the middle of a bustling city, rubbing shoulders with the rich and the famous? For the majority of us living in the concrete jungle, haven't we crave for the time to live (at least for a short period of time) in a lovely cottage in the countryside, right beside a lake?

I don't know, but I think I just want to lead a normal life, even if it's so identical to the rest of the people around me. What's wrong for desiring to live a simple life? After all, we'll all end up being identical.

One of the perils of mid-life crisis is the sense of job security. Recently, this hit me, and I was left pondering exactly how much market value is there in the things I'm currently doing? Taking today for an example, I was assigned to take over the tasks of another who was transferred to another department, and mind you, these are menial tasks. Like how Jennifer puts it, these are "thankless" jobs. I shudder to think what other crises I will encounter - someone actually told me mid-life is really a chore to wade through..... Shudder.......

Sigh.... suffering from aphthous stomatitis since last week, and it's still so freaking painful.

And why must the medical world come up with such incomprehensible names as descriptions? To show off their command in pronunciation?

Still feeling under the weather..... both physically and emotionally......

Feeling feverish now... Have already popped 4 panadols, but don't seemed to be effective....

Feeling lovesick now... Have already asked her out for lunch, but didn't get a favorable reply....

Feeling thrilled now... Have already splurged close to 2 grand to upgrade my PC, but have not test it with a graphics-intensive game....

Feeling a little smarter now... Have already begun reading the book I've always wanted to lay my hands on, but still have not reach the real meaty portion of the text....

Just a couple of moments ago, I've finally picked up my courage to go up to her and ask her out for lunch next week. Yes, it took me an entire 10-20 minutes just to muster that courage. What a wimp I am! I wanted to ask 'cos I felt if I didn't ask, I would feel regretful.

"Hi. Sorry, may I ask you out for lunch, say, some time next week?"

"No. I don't think so." was her reply.

"Oh. Okay. Busy with work?" I asked disappointedly. She just smiled politely and nodded her head.

"Some other time, perhaps..." and I walked away in great disappointment....

:D

I'm grinning now, since 2:31pm today 'cos for the first time I've received an email from Elena! The subject for the email is "Thanks" and the content is as follows:

Hi,

Thanks for the coffee. You shouldn't have gone to the expense.

:D

:D

I'm so thrilled. Well, I bought her latte this morning, but when I wanted to give it to her, she hadn't report for work yet. Left with no other options, I placed it on her desk and left her a note. I was worried she wouldn't be reporting to work after her leave, but my worries were short-lived - one colleague of mine who came in later told me she was just late for work.... :D

I'm so happy today..... :D