I'm beginning to read the Bible again. And at this point in time, I'm at 1 Chronicles, chapter 6. I don't know about you, but so far, I think only historians would be interested in what I've read so far. Till now, and after peeking a few chapters ahead, genealogy is definitely not something I enjoy reading.

Anyway, I feel misunderstood after posting the entry yesterday. What I've blogged was to serve as a reminder how I reached the conclusion to let go and stop whining about my singlehood, and not "judging" the two who were lamenting. I don't deny I did kinda judge them when they were venting their frustrations, but as I reflected, I finally saw the plank in my eyes and realized that I'm worse off than they are. Where their woes lie in their work, I, too, keep lamenting about my singlehood which I shouldn't be. (And yes, I realized I shouldn't be, just to re-iterate.)

Treat this as a self-defense, but I think I have made my thoughts/intentions behind that blog entry clear now. Whoever still thinks that I'm a hypocrite, so be it. Whichever of my friends reading this now and still think that all along I'm behind a mask, I'll gladly respect and accept your "conclusive judgment", wish you all the best and end a friendship we've built the way you want to.

[As a record, I don't usually mention about Elena in front of my friends nowadays unless they ask. There is only person whom I still frequently discuss about Elena with, is one who helps me to keep a check on my spiritual life, and not so much on Elena.....]

Elena has ignored me twice when I bumped into her on last Friday and today. On both incidents, I smiled politely at her, but she stared ahead, as if my presence wasn't felt at all.

To be honest, I'm a little disheartened now. I could only blame myself for not being very proactive.

Am I whining? Perhaps, but the reason I'm blogging this is to mainly remind myself to leave things in His hands, and let my moods not be swayed by these. In Him, I will seek to suffice.

I'm feeling slightly better now.... :)

I know I have already mentioned this for umpteen times, but I shall re-iterate it again.

Somehow, it dawned to me (again) that I ought to leave everything in His hands. Everything, including my love for Elena (okay, love may be too strong a word.) Most likely, this "enlightenment" came after one of my colleagues (whom I shall no reveal the name to protect that person's identity) shared (for umpteen times too) that he/she "will leave things in God's hands" and his/her "feeling of dying to get out of the company due to the company's poor management of resources/staff and poor remuneration."

[Before I'm being accused as a moral bigot, the account that follows recount the incident that led me to the realization that I should leave things in His hands.]

While this colleague of mine (thereafter to be referred to as A) was pouring out her bitterness of the "dire situation" he was in, his friend (thereafter, B) "affirmed" A's sorrows. They kept complaining the pay they are getting are not enough to compensate for the amount of work they are doing. Note that none of them need to work overtime frequently; OT is only an once-in-a-blue-moon thing for them.

"The company still has not contact me with regards to the job interview I went last week. Most likely, it's a goner." A lamented. "I don't want to care about all these anymore. I'll leave everything in God's hands."

"Do you still remember [name suppressed]? He's a little regretful of his decision to have moved to his current company. Nowadays, he has to work till 8pm!" B said.

"My superior knows nothing, has zero experience, and is very illogical in the decisions he make.... Nowadays, I have nothing to do but to surf the net for the whole day! I'll be better off if I'm transferred to another section." A lamented again. "I'm still dying to get out of this company!"

Throughout the whole conversation, they kept lamenting how unfortunate they are currently in their workplace, and never counted their blessings that they are still under employment. Honestly, I was fuming by the time they ended the conversation. Do they know how fortunate they are to be employed?

A has been dying to get out of the company, and he is even willing to accept a job which may have a completely different job scope compared to his current one; B has gained a pay raise after moving to his new workplace, and, as part and parcel of the deal, has more work to do (plus a lousy boss to deal with.)

If my memory serves me well, A has also been telling himself to "submit to His will" with regard to his employment (be it continuing in the current one or, better, a new job), but laments every time why he isn't going anywhere after X years of service in the current company. As for B, I remember very clearly that there was once he mentioned that he regretted trading "his time and not-so-stressful work in his previous company" for the pay he currently getting (and more stressful work, plus an irresponsible superior.)

As I've already mentioned, I'm not trying to be a moral bigot. Somehow, I reflected upon this, and found myself to be in a similar position. I've lamented about my singlehood, and I've also expressed my desire to "leave things in His hands" (okay, I'm too lazy to find the blog entry which I've said that.) I realized I (also) have been merely paying lips service in my submission to God all these while. Not that I want to give a convenient excuse to stop all attempts in courting Elena (for that matter, I still love her.... :p) All these "short bursts" of revelations have never left me an impact big enough in motivating me to submit to Him. I'm hoping that this time won't be the same as the previous ones. After all, if Elena were really to be the one He has prepared, there isn't any reason for me to be so anxious about this relationship, 'cos in time to come, He'll tell me she's the one (or not.)

God ought to be in the picture - the picture of my life....

I love Elena!

'Nuff said.... ;)

Has been updating my address book with all the phone numbers prior synchronizing it with my phone for the past 3 hours, and the fruits of this exercise is indeed sweet. This is one tedious task I've always wanted to do but has been putting it off.... until now. Anyway, although I don't wish it happening again, the next time when I lost my phone, I would have all my contacts backed up in my PC. But for now, I have to continue to make do with a few contact information lost.

Today's 20th June 2005, and tomorrow will be the 21st. As each day passes without much fanfare, time is inching towards the end of the month. Soon, it would be the end of the 2nd month after I've waved to Elena. But what the hell have I been doing to woo her? Almost next to nothing! Oh my gosh! What am I doing?! I've got to buck up! I don't want to live in regrets this time....

A lot of things have happened since I last blogged, and most aren't exactly joyous in nature.

The 4D3N retreat has given me more than enough rest since the retreat was specially tailored for the non-believers amongst us (so it was more of a evangelical retreat.) I've made quite a number of new friends, and if I'm not wrong, 4 of them are non-Christians. During the free time allocated, we went bowling for 2 consecutive days on day 2 and 3. Coincidentally, I won the second game on each day with the (same) score of 124! Well, not exactly the highest score possible, but still, the coincidence was, well, coincident.

However, on the day 3, something happened (which isn't convenient for me to spell out), and once again, I tumbled down the faith-questioning tunnel. Serling said I tend to think too much, of which in one way or another, I do agree with her. Sigh.... I really have no idea, but since that incident, I have been having nightmares - nightmares of myself landed up in situations where God is no longer with me (so to some extent, He has given up on me.) I know He will never abandon me, but since Friday night, these nightmares haunted me.

With on the way traveling back, the church arranged a lunch at a restaurant, saving us from having to feed ourselves with the horrendous spread we were having for the past few days in the resort where the retreat was held. Nope, this is not a recount of how wonderful the food we had (which incidentally was only slightly above average.) The main point of this account is: I dropped my mobile phone while we were making our way to the restaurant, and the phone which I've dropped cost me $530!!! I was very devastated when I discovered that and couldn't find it anywhere. I made a call to my mobile phone using my friend's phone, hoping that the ring tone would help me locate it. But when I heard the recorded message "Please leave a message after the tone," I knew all hopes were lost - the person who picked up my phone has already removed the sim card. Argh!!!!

Resigning to the unfortunate turn of events, I went to the mobile phone retail shop to get a replacement sim card and phone. I wanted the latest and the greatest Nokia 3G phone available, but after enquiry, the latest and greatest phone happened to be very expensive. I have to cough out at least 1k to buy it, which in my opinion, is unreasonable. In the end, I still made a big dent in my savings, spending $530+ buying Nokia 6670 (which is the same as the one I've dropped.) Sigh....

As for today, while returning from lunch break, I took the usual route back to my desk, and as I walked past Elena's desk, I saw her turning away from the computer screen, and her eyes slightly rolled up as she turned towards me. I wasn't too sure whether she rolled her eyes when she saw me, or she has already rolled while turning away from the monitor, but I sure hope it was the latter.

With all these unfortunate turn of events (not including the incident involving Elena), I'm not too sure how I am to go through this week with a beaming smile. I'll still try, nonetheless....

Hmmm.... realized it has been quite some time since I last blogged, so here I go....

Other than sourcing for images to be used for revamping the blog, I have been busy adjusting with my new job scope, and frankly speaking, I don't feel good about it (as of now), since I don't seemed to be able to contribute to the team. Anyway, I guess it's only natural to feel that way initially. Perhaps, I ought to enjoy this "honeymoon" "while stocks last"!

And on the topic of contributing to the team. Today, I've just attended a discussion on the evaluation of 3 margin trading systems. And since this was my first time attending such discussions, plus the fact that I'm not at all familiar with margin trading systems, I couldn't comprehend more than 75% of the things discussed. And to rub salt on the wound, I was given the job to take minutes! Duh! For all my life, be it in school, or in my previous workplace, I hate taking minutes! Not only do I have to sieve out the small-talks from the main points, I have to organize the chaotic thought process of those in the meeting, and put everything down on paper in order. And after the meeting, I had to strain my eyes when trying to make my scribbled notes comprehensible. Sigh...... How I miss the days which I could delegate such tasks to someone else.... Sigh.....

Onto another topic, there isn't much progress between Elena and myself. (Sidetrack a bit: Don't I have anything else to blog about other than her? Well, when my life is revolving around her, I think she's that important to have all my attention focused on her.) Oh well, perhaps it's b'cos I have not seen her for quite a couple of days (3 weekdays plus 2 weekends), I find her to be glowing in radiance, appearing more beautiful than ever! (Ok, ok, this is the beauty-lies-in-the-eyes-of-the-beholder thingy at work.) But the thought of not being able to see her for the next 5 days saddens my heart (church retreat on the next 3 days, plus 2 weekends; Argh!) Whatever it is, I still am looking forward to the day when I could proclaim my love for her to her.... :p

Okay, gotta continue organizing the minutes.... And yes, I've brought work home to do! Argh!!!!

Short of a boob job, I would have undergone "extreme makeover" within 3 hours today (sorry, that's sounds so sexist, but you get the point.) My colleagues were so astonished that I have my "beautiful" locks snipped, but said it would be better if I keep my hair short, and not sport a weird top-short-back-long style. So I hit off to the most dreaded place again (this time, a difficult shop) and have my hair trimmed again.... Sigh.....

And when I've returned to the office, and somehow they saw my trimmed hair (again), they came and commented that I looked "fresher" (ya, sounds as though they are buying veggies or fruits. duh!) One of them even commented that I'm looking my best ever since she has started working in the company! (So does that imply that I'm always in my worst? Arghh.......)

Leeanne tried to comfort my already shattered heart, saying "You look neater now, and Elena might like this fresh look."

"But I've always wanted to have my artistic characteristics to ooze out from my pores with my long hair!"

"You mean you are an artistic person?" Leeanne asked skeptically.

Whatever it is, I'm beginning to feel that my temper, my brain waves, my thinking process, etc, have all shortened after the cut! Argh!!!!!! *pound chest*

My mood is at the bottom of the abyss now (don't ask me how deep it is), not b'cos I've found out something about Elena which shakes my liking for her, but rather, my hair has been shorten by more than 50%.... Argh!!!!!

One of the places I loathe going to is the hairdressers'. I've always harbor this fear that the hairdresser would style my hair not as I've wished. And that fear finally materialized today.... :(

After having met Serling for lunch today (okay, she only had 2-3 helping of the soup), and after seeing her off to the train station, I went to the hairdressers' to have my hair thinned. I expressed my intent to the hairdresser attending to me, "I want to thin my hair, and keep the length intact. And trim the hair at the back of my head to be slightly above the collar."

"Would you like to trim the hair that's covering your ears as well?" She asked.

"Hmmm... yes, just a little."

As her scissors started snipping away happily, I was a bit astonished to see much of my hair being snipped. I thought she had employed a different technique to thin the hair, so I didn't question her (I can't see well at all since I'm short-sighted.) And after "enduring" through the trimming and washing, I was shocked to see my hair style to appear very different from what I've imagined. I reassured myself that the length was still there (just not visible from the mirror) and went off to pay at the cashier.

Once outside, I immediately tried pulling my hair to physically reassure myself that the length has not been shortened too much, but to my horror, it has! From the original 15-20cm, it became 8-10cm long! Argh!!! I wanted to cry out, but as I was in the midst of the crowd, I could only weep bitterly inside....

It'll be at least another 3 to 4 months' time before I visit the hairdressers' again. And the next time, I'll make sure the hairdresser know what the hell she's doing....

My hair!!!! Oh, my hair!!!! What wrongful death you've suffered!!!! Sob.... sob...... :(

Sigh.... (what a way to start a blog entry.... sigh....)

Elena's on leave till Thursday; and when she's back from hers, I'll be on half day leave on Friday to attend to some national security matters. And to make my heart grow fonder, I'll be on leave for 3 (not 1, not 2, but 3!!!) freaking days next week, 'cos I've signed up for the church's retreat. Oh Elena, to whom would your heart be given to? (Okay, that's kinda mushy.)

Anyway, have been reading a couple of user manuals these couple of days (and gosh, who on Naboo reads user manuals?), mainly b'cos I've just been transferred to another section, to assist them in the rolling out of new systems. I hope I would eventually be involved in the product program work, cos I think there's a market for such professionals (of course, if I somehow managed to complete the freaking difficult CFA exams, I would prefer to work as a financial analyst.) So far, the first system to be rolled out will Calypso, and for phase one, the project team has decided to push out the interest rate derivatives module first. This coming Tuesday, they'll also decide which margin trading system to adopt. Actually, I personally don't believe the conclusion will be out on Tuesday; in fact I think the meeting will be time wasting session, and I (most likely) have to sit through the whole thing, listening to them arguing!!!! Even the FairEx system requirement specifications has not been signed off, slipping off the first milestone by one week! I'm beginning to foresee myself working late (and hell no, over the weekend!) My worst fear? Not being able to create the opportunity to bump into Elena on the train in the evening...... Sigh......

Finally, I'm out of the nightmare.... er.... ordeal! No more late nights! No more "No"s to appointments! No more examinations!!! ....... That is until the next one creeps near.....

No wonder all my friends told me the dreadfulness of going through the sample exam questions - these samples make you realized that's still so much you haven't cover. And the best part is, the sample questions are nowhere similar to the actual ones - the actual is 10 fold more difficult!

After trying a sample exam paper yesterday noon, at around 5pm, I realized I needed to brush up on a lot of things, and hence I burnt yet another round of midnight oil, frenziedly going through the study material umpteen times. However, when I stopped at 4am so I could catch some sleep before the examinations, I suffered from insomnia! Of all times, why this?! I tried breathing slower, hoping the rhythmic process would help; but it didn't. I even resorted to counting sheep, which didn't help too! Argh!!!!! And when it was 6:30am, I could only resigned to the lousy turn of events, pull the wide-awake me out from bed, wash up and set off to the exam venue.

After being disoriented for quite some time outside the exam hall, I finally managed to get myself settled down at my designated desk. The exam finally started after a good 20-30 minutes of waiting, and the moment I flipped open the examination booklet, I nearly couldn't retrieve my jaws from the floor without appearing hysterical. Oh my gosh, the questions were so freaking hard! Other than trying my best to appear calm while attempting the questions, I also took some liberties in punching some numbers into the calculator and compute I-have-no-idea-what so as to appear smarter than I really am.

The torturous 3 hour ended sooner than I expected, and after a brief 1 hour break, the second round of torture began. And to make things worse than it could possibly be, I nearly fell asleep while attempting to understand the alien (literally!) question booklet in front of me. I guess I'll not be a good ambassador after all....

So, now that I've sat through state trial, I could only say: if I were to pass, it's because of His grace; fail, 'cos it's His blessings....

Somehow, I have a hunch that I'm going to make a dent in my pockets again, and the sequel to this nightmare is going to screen very soon......

My mood didn't really pick up today, due mainly to both what happened yesterday and the upcoming exam.

Sharon has reprimanded/Karine has pointed out to me that what I've committed so far in an unestablished relationship would only bring sorrow to myself if things don't turn out well. Courtesy from Sharon, I was given the title "an idealistic oaf" yesterday.

"what is there to be unfair about? ur problem is.. you are COMMITTING EVEN before a relationship.... who needs u to commit now? why must u be loyal now? be fair to yourself...."

"why shouldn't i?"

"because you are being STUPID. u are idealistic.... thinking that by doing so.. u are doing her a favor.. doing other girls a favor..... but NOT doing yourself a favor.. and for all you know.. she dosen't care about your commitment... and u are not being fair to other girls because u have not given them a chance.. or yourself a chance for that matter"

"stupid and i shall be.... i'm sure someone will appreciate it......"

"ok..persist in your idiotic stubbornness... if you get left on the shelf at 35.. u can only blame your stupid idealistic mentality"

"but when she cares, she'll be happy that i'm committed....."

"when she cares.. it's NOT too late to be committed.... right now.....it's your right not to be committed... if u do.. u are depriving yourself of other chances..."

As for Karine, she told me if things don't turn out well, I would only hurt myself after all the commitment of all my efforts on Elena. "You have not even establish a proper friendship with Elena yet, and by the way you're expending your energy on her, you'll find it difficult to pull yourself out if things don't turn out well."

I thank them for their concern for me, but I guess it's just me - an idealistic oaf. I know by His time, he'll show me who He has prepared; but I also know that I can't just sit around and wait for her to drop from the sky. Inasmuch as I would as I would love to have Elena develop a liking for me instantaneously, it is just not possible for that to happen. Thus, I have to be proactive, not in the sense of "lending Him a helping hand".

I would really like to make myself hers.....

"Hi, not lunching?" I asked Elena when I noticed she was alone at her desk.

"Yes. Later."

"Busy?"

"Yes."

"Oh well..." and I walked off, with somewhat a heavy heart as she seemed to be very indifferent, answering my questions merely out of courtesy.

I shouldn't and don't want to give up. She might be really busy; nevertheless, my mood hit rock-bottom today... :(

Well, not exactly 100% covered, but I've finally completed going through the CFA material once through. Actually, I've read through the ethics portion, way back in Feb or Mar this year, and the impression I have is that I just have to choose the most morally correct answer. Not exactly a good way to tackle these ethics-related questions but at least it's still a tactic I can apply... :P

As for the portfolio management topic, most of the questions are actually quantitative methods repackaged. Other than a few theories discussed here and there, I would consider myself having gone through the material.

I hope my revision will "trigger" my brain to recall the stuff that I've studied, and apply them on the right questions.... Going through 888 pages each for 2 nights as revision may seemed to be a tall task, which I hope it'll not be that a daunting task......

4 more hours prior the opportunity to bump into Elena.... :)

This weekend is one that I both do and do not look forward to. It's one that will end all the crazy, energy draining and mind-boggling late night study sessions. And it's also the irritating beast that is breathing down my neck, and making me to frantically climb the steep learning curve which I'm supposed to have conquered, say, 2 weeks ago....

Although coverage has reached the 88.38% mark, it's only a false indicative figure. This morning, the question "What are the components in capital budgeting?" posed by Jennifer has already sent chills down my spine.

"Oh shucks! I think it includes long-term debts, and, er..... equities."

"Including preferred stock?"

"No, I don't think so. I remembered I always have to exclude preferred stocks when doing the computations, which I can't recall what that computation is for."

"Are you sure?"

"Okay, what are the options given in the MCQ?"

I had to resort to the elimination process to give the answer, and frankly speaking, it shows how unprepared I'm still am at this point in time.

What am I to do? I think I can only continue to study the remaining material, which I hope to cover all by this evening, start revision on Thursday and Friday evenings, and do the sample exam questions on Saturday. A perfect plan, to be executed by an imperfect mortal.

No prize for guessing, it's 4 more days for me to meet my Maker.

And in the spirit of Star Wars: "Use your brain, my young apprentice. May your brain be with you." [Duh!]