It's kinda fascinating how the content of an email evolve. The original read,

Harlow,

I'm SL, the person who introduced himself to you last week. My friend has forwarded a puzzle @ http://www.fasco-csc.com/works/crimson/crimson_e.php It's quite interesting. Hope you'll enjoy it when you are free.

God bless,
SL


And after the input of several of my colleagues (Catherine, Karine, and John), it evolved to,

Harlow,

Still remember me?? anyway my friend forwarded this puzzle @ http://www.fasco-csc.com/works/crimson/crimson_e.php
It's interesting, have a break, try it and see whether you can escape from this room.

Enjoy... :)

God bless,
SL


I can't believe I'm so lousy at this!

Oh, it's my first email to Elena.... :)

Extremely unproductive on Monday evening.... I MUST PULL UP MY SOCKS TODAY!!!!

Thanks for letting me scream.... :)

[5 more days to meet my Maker...]

Didn't study at all on Friday evening, cos I wasn't feeling well, and quite a lot of time was wasted solving the Crimson Room and Viridian Room puzzles.

Anyway, covered 144 pages this morning, and hence I'm at the 79.15% total coverage mark! Another 20.85% to go!

But prior to that, it's better for me to go wash up now, have a sumptuous breakfast, and make my way to church!

Yesterday's ice-breaking has opened a whole array of opportunities for me. The options are so vast and the only limiting factor is my imaginations (plus courage.) Unfortunately, my imaginations are limited to the manga-style impracticality.

Nevertheless, I found out that she was on duty again (which leads to the conclusion: she'll be on duty again in 4 weeks' time.) And after a really brief lunch(-in), 'cos I dropped one serving on the floor, I decided to go to her desk and introduce myself to her.

"Hi. On duty again?"

I think she was a bit shocked 'cos of my unexpected appearance. She quickly re-composed herself and replied, "Yes."

I noticed that she had 2 pieces of papers, highlighted all over, and she seemed to be deeply engrossed in her work before I broke her concentration. Oops...

"Busy? Oh yes, I've yet to introduce myself," and with my hand stretching over the partition, "I'm SL. And yes, don't be mistaken, I'm a local, no doubt my name sounds very foreign."

"Oh... SL," and (I think) while she was trying to register my difficult-to-pronounce name, she said, "I'm Elena."

"E-lain-na?" feigning the ignorance (Father, forgive me.)

"Elena." She repeated. (For a record, the name "Elena" originated from Spain, and she didn't seem to be pronouncing it the Spanish way. Anyway, my pronunciation could be wrong too.)

For a moment, silence (once again) transcended, and not wanting to turn the atmosphere into an awkward one, I quickly asked her which jurisdiction she's in charge of.

"U.K. and Swiss." She replied. Notice that all her answers were SSS (simple, short and sweet.)

"Oh, I thought you are supporting CY."

"I'm her back-up. We're actually partners." Finally, a reply with more than 5 words.

"Are you busy?"

"Yes, kind of."

"Oh... Ok, I shan't disturb you then. Enjoy!" And when I saw her subway sandwich still intact at one corner of her desk, I quickly commented, "Hmmm, I see that you still haven't taken your lunch."

She smiled and I vanished out of her sight.

Even though, the whole incident sounds kinda awkward (and maybe even unnatural), but the most important thing is: we are now "officially" acquainted.... :)

Finally, I'm going to start digging through the LAST CFA text this evening. That leaves me with 514 pages worth of text to go through (343 pages from book 5, 71 pages from portfolio management, and 100 pages from the ethnics topic.) 71.04% coverage, how's that for a change from the dire situation I was at the beginning of the week?

But all these at the cost of my sleep... Gotta sleep now.... It's 15 minutes to 6... in the morning!

I've finally broken the ice!

When I was going out to buy lunch, I was very disappointed for not seeing her at desk despite the fact that I went off quite early. While I was on my way back to the office, waiting at the lift lobby, Elena appeared with her lunch pack on her hands. Apparently, she was also going to lunch in. My heartbeat increased rapidly, and my mind was thrown into confusion. Should I break the ice? What should I say? But underneath these tidal waves, I was very clear that This is THE opportunity!

We took the same lift, but I was still very disoriented. It was until a good 30 seconds have elapsed after we got off the lift did I finally mustered my courage, picked up my pace and broke the ice.

"Hi!"

"Oh, hi!" she responded. (Oh my gosh, her rosy cheeks made her looked so beautiful.)

"Lunching in? Are you on [desk] duty today?"

"Yah."

Then panic ran through my veins as I didn't what to say next. Ask her name? I thought.

"Er.... Are you going to take part in the cross country run?" I asked, breaking the silence between us while we were both on our way back to our desks.

"No, I'm not."

"Oh. Why? I saw that you took part in the JP Morgan run." my feeble attempt to lengthen the conversation. (And yes, I was so nervous that my sentence constructs were all out of place!)

"Oh. I took part in it out of fun."

"Oh.... Oh well, enjoy your lunch." I said, as she has reached her desk.

"Thanks." and she smiled.

Oh yes! Finally, I've broken the ice. Despite that I was stammering throughout the brief conversation, I am very happy that she didn't display any hint of disgust/irritation; and that she DID turned her head and looked at me when she replied.

Oh my gosh, what am I going to do next? I'm so excited now, and my most of my tiredness are now dispelled!

Elena, thanks so much for the attention you have given me.

God, thanks so much for the opportunity you have given me. Thank you for the words you have put in my mouth when I was at a loss of words. Thank you in Jesus' name.

Officially, I've now covered 64.62% of the texts (excluding the portfolio management topic.) Very slow progress this morning (considering that I started at around 12:30am) but have a good grasp of the stuff studied, so I think the price paid today will reap great benefits during revision.

Contemplating not to sleep today, but if I were to stay up throughout the whole morning, my mum will start nagging.... Guess it's time for me to go and "meet" Elena in my dreams.....

Good... er.... er.... good morning! :)

Another new insight today has made me a happier person - Elena's a Christian!

Karine found out this when she asked Elena's colleague, Francisca. What's more, Karine also found out Elena's still single and available, a 2-month old info which is still true till now!

Now, I just need to uncover the lost secret of breaking the ice...

(Nope, I didn't request Karine to find out all these for me. She happened to see Francisca, and so decided to just pop the question. But I'm still eternally grateful to her for her kind concern.)

Feeling very sleepy now.... It was sheer willpower that kept me (mostly) awake through the entire morning in the office (although I think God did give me the strength to sustain too)... And the sight of Elena, who seemed to have recovered from her illness, made me a happier person too, rather than transforming into a grouchy old man deprived of sleep...

Anyway, realized that I shouldn't skip the portfolio management topic... The emphasis on the topic isn't that high - 5% weightage, which translates to 12 questions out of 240. But by just studying 71 pages, I should be able to, optimistically, answer those 12 questions! That means, for every 5-6 pages that I've studied for this topic, I could answer 1 question. Requires lesser effort but reaps great potential benefits! Kudos for still being able to rationalize with a tired mind, I must say.

And now, I wonder whether my energy level would be sufficient to go through another round of late night study session this evening... I think I just need to find that hidden health potion...

Oh, please excuse me for the moment, I need to take a power nap now....

Henshin-a-go-go, baby! As at 3:10am today, I've finally covered 1051 pages worth of CFA exams material! That translates to 59.21% of the total required reading!

And I'm going to start spotting questions, not in the conventional sense - dropping the topic on portfolio management in favor for asset valuations - that means I can ignore (sadly, only) 71 pages on portfolio management. And if I include these 71 pages in the coverage computation, I've covered a whopping 1123 pages, which is equivalent to 63.268%!

Haha..... clever self-deception in action!

Henshin-a-go-go, baby!

* Henshin-a-go-go, baby! is sorta a battle-cry of a character, Joe, in the video game series Viewtiful Joe.

Alas, my hopes of bumping into Elena were dashed when I saw her still working at her desk when I left for home. Poor her, have to rush her work despite being under the weather. Wish I could share her workload (which I can't, since we work in different sections.) Anyway, that would also mean it's perfectly okay for us to start an office romance, since in no way will our relationship affect our priorities in work. Smack me hard to wake me up! Stop dreaming and work on breaking the ice first!

Truth to be told, I've only covered about 95 pages of the CFA material in the last 3 days. What have I been doing instead? Everything else except studying. Most of the time, I was either sleeping or playing the game Spider (comes with Windows XP.) I even gave my good friend a call and ended up chit-chatting for over an hour last evening. Most of my studies actually took place after last midnight.

I think my mind has tuned itself to function at its fullest only on weekday evenings (more precisely, after midnights.) I did try studying on weekend mornings, noons, evenings and even after midnight, but empirical results show that I simply can't study on weekends or any time before weekday midnights. Even when I tried to do so diligently, most of the time, the material just don't sink in (so, how diligent would that be? Hmmm.....)

Anyway, another 11 more days of formula- and theory-hell to endure through.... :p

I believe this morning I was on the same train with Elena (okay, to give a benefit of doubt, at most one train before her.) I've prepared myself since last weekend to muster the courage, go up to her and break the ice. But alas, Jennifer advised me not to, 'cos after all, we barely know each other. Even my friend ruggles said, "if we already like the person, we'll b happy being greeted. if not, u'll end up freaking the person out."

But within merely 3 hours, I'm sorta given 2 chances to break the ice, I'm feeling kinda regretful for not being able to even say hi to her. No doubt, it would most likely be an act of impulse, but still..... 2 unused chances! Argh!!!

Why am I so lousy at this? I could only now hope to bump into her this evening...

And I hope she'll be cured from her cough soon too...

[Tips, anyone?]

I think I've reached my saturation point.... I'm so sick of all the material in the CFA texts, and gosh, with the nitty-gritty details overwhelming my every waking moment, I wonder how did the candidates in the past manage to wade through this formula-hell?

The thought of giving up and take the year-end paper instead crossed my mind. If I were to take that route, that means I would have to forfeit the examination fees already paid, and make another payment for the December paper. The thought of giving up is stupid enough, but not trying is a classic act of insanity (well, since it's already paid for, just take the exam!) After all, the possibility of pulling through this ordeal is always likely with a stroke of luck.

Sigh...

Felt like watching a movie last night despite the lack of time for studying... Booked a ticket online and off I went to the cinema to catch Star Wars 3: Revenge of the Sith. I'm no Star Wars fan, but the reason for choosing this movie is for the sake of completing the series. And I must say, to my surprise, Yoda is one of the most kick-ass characters!

Oh well, as I was contemplating whether to watch a movie or not, I felt the need to have a friend to go catch the movie with. I called DJ, but he said he has already arranged with some other friends of his to watch the movie with; I left a message for Adrian, and he didn't reply, so I reckoned he was already sound asleep. Then, I asked Sharon when I saw her on ICQ.

Well, she sounded reluctant when I asked her, since she isn't a Star Wars fan to begin with (she has not watched even a single episode of the series!) She suggested Kingdom of Heaven instead, but when she "discovered" that I actually wanted to watch a midnight show yesterday, she turned down the invitation 'cos she has classes to attend today.

During our exchange of messages, Sharon asked [the obvious] why I didn't ask Elena instead. On one hand, we are not friends per se; on the other, I think it is always a very bad idea to ask the person I love to watch a(n) sci-fi/action movie on the first few dates (and maybe even subsequent ones, depending on her likings.) Then Sharon remarked, "so i stand in gf until she knows u?"

I was quite taken aback when she said this. I started off with the intention of finding a companion to go the movies with, but these words were a hit in my face. When have I developed the habit of going to the movies with a companion? I used to go alone since Y2K.... Must be the recent movie outings with DJ and gang! But then again, when Sharon said "Elena lives [somewhere] nearer [to you]", I did felt the desire to be able to go out with her, to enjoy the little things in life, to share every moment together...

Looks like it's a wake up for me; I must buck up and act on my passion for her!

Listening to Donna Lewis' I'll Love You Always Forever..... No doubt an aging song, but hey, oldies sound good too!

It's a song that make one feel good/look forward to the love of their life... The sweetness exuding from Donna's vocals brings forth, to me at least, a sweet innocence of falling in love... the urge to proclaim the love to your spouse/boy/girl-friend at the top of your lungs......

Now, if only Elena's the one..... :p

I'm feeling very tired now.... almost totally drained after burning the midnight oil last night.... I couldn't believe I managed to stay up till so late (read: early?) and still have the energy to endure through the whole day... I don't think I'll make much sense in this entry....

I have a penchant for songs with a tone of decadent... No particular reason why.... just like the way the song is played/sung.... Perhaps, in a way, they would draw me into a world, though temporal, that's so different from the one I reside in.... the seedy side of the real world whch for all my life I have been protected from.... a side I sometimes desire to tumble into, to experience the 'forbidden'.... but I know I won't be able to pull myself out from the fall into the abyss....

And here I go again, after a short 2-hour nap, burning the midnight oil....

Didn't bump into Elena today.... (Oh my gosh, can I stop thinking about her?!) And last night's (and once again to be precise, this morning's) study left quite a strong hangover effect..... Less than 5 hours of sleep everyday, and I've only covered about 44% of the material... Can't even think how I'm gonna brave through this "storm"....

And nope, I can't get her off my mind... I want to be with her so much!!!! :p

Finally, after a long, unwanted delay, I greeted Elena this morning! It doesn't matter whether her greeting was done purely out of courtesy (since that would most likely be the case), I'm still kinda happy. Yes, I'm a sucker at this, but then, can't I just indulge in my simple happiness?

On the other hand, I'm also quite angry with myself. Just like what OWL has commented, I'm no longer a 16 year-old teenager! No doubt, I still feel the joy of a love blossoming within me (gasp! at my age!) the same way a teenager do, but shouldn't an old man like myself be doing better than this?

In any case, I believe this morning's encounter was one given by God, so I shouldn't ask for more... In time to come, I'll know what His will is... :)

A little makeover for the blog.... for the time-being, that is..... I'll try to do a complete makeover after my exams.

Anyway, I don't know if this is a cruel joke played on me (Nay! God isn't cruel...) but today, I bumped into Elena again while I was making my way to the Gents. I was deep in thoughts on how to solve a design problem and she was, I think, collecting some documents from another department. Anyway, I saw her, but as all my available resources were hogged by the design problem, I couldn't react fast enough to greet her with a smile. However, I think she took a very short glance (yes, I know glances are short in nature, but this is a super short one), looked away and turned towards the direction to the Ladies. Well, what is that supposed to mean? Had she already set her course to the Ladies before she saw me? Was it done in the nature of avoidance? Whatever it is, I'm more concerned with the question "God, what are you trying to tell me?"

I came to realize that I've unconsciously put in too much focus on a person I barely know (other than her age, her martial status, the area she lives in and her favorite color.) Am I digging yet another abyss to fling myself into [again]? I wish I could say no, but the truth is, I think I am doing the very thing that has hurt me in the past, although this time the situation is more dire than ever (remember, we barely know each other.)

Am I now trying to convince myself to stop this headlong rush towards yet another heart-breaking ending? I hope not too. I don't wish to give up this time; not for the mindless reason of just-wanna-get-attached, but 'cos this is the first time [I think] that I'm acting on my feelings actively. (In the past, I would usually take a long time to observe the person I was fond of, fall in love with her secretly for at least a year before confessing my feelings. And that confession usually ended with another year-long recovery period before I started looking for another.) I have always wanted to love another person, to share my life with, and to spend the rest of my life with. And this time, somehow, I've come to my senses that hey-you-need-to-be-proactive. Besides, I think Elena will make a good partner to live till ripe old age with. ;)

Anyway, I have no idea why my sociable and easy-going nature are all hibernating when I needed them most. I could easily chat with some colleagues I don't even work with, with new faces in the church, or even children? Ok, I'm stretching a tad too far with the children portion, but still, why am I so tongue-tied whenever I see her (or generally, the gals I like)?

After all these years of loving another secretly (yes, useless me!), I've handicapped myself in the ability to proactively court and express my feelings for someone I like. I'm doing worse than a teenager in love, and recently, I kept asking around for the adult-way-of-courtship! How bad can things get? Sigh.......

Whatever it is, my best bet now is to trust in God...............

Okay, I don't know how I should blog about this but anyway I'll try. And here it goes.

As mentioned in a previous entry, I believe Elena might be the one He has prepared. But nonetheless, this is just my perception with which the probability of it being wrong is equally high.

Today, after shutting down my pc, I went off with an anticipatory heart [as usual] of bumping into Elena. When I discovered that she has already left, I hastened my pace, in hope that the time elapsed was not too great, and so that I could genuinely bump into at the train station. With each zipping through the crowd in front, my eyes scanned diligently for her, and of course, I still didn't see her when I've finally reached the station platform.

Oh well, she must have taken the train that just left. But deep within me, I still held the tiny hope of bumping into her somehow...

With the reality that the next home-bound train was approaching within a minute's time, my mind had coaxed my heart to give up that tiny hope. But praise be to God, I saw Elena making her way down the escalator! However, she didn't walk towards my direction; instead she turned and made her way towards the other end of the platform (why she was slower than me is really beyond me.) Inside me, my heart was beating furiously, and all thoughts racing through my puny mind, each vying to be chosen as the action I would act on.

This is THE chance! and with that thought, I made my way towards her.

The crowd was really huge, and I was looking frantically for her in the sea of people. My search ended shortly, as I've finally found her trying to board the already jam-packed cabin. I was hoping deep in my heart that she couldn't board the train, and hence I would have the perfect opportunity of going over and say hi. Alas, somehow, she managed to.

Oh gosh! Should I try to squeeze with them? Should I board another cabin and make my way to her when most of the passengers have alighted?

The split second I've lost on coming to a course of action, the hesitation on whether to board the train proved too costly, and as the train door shut behind her, I was left lying in my disappointments.

Giving the benefit of doubt on whether she saw me as she was making her way down from the escalator, I was filled with regrets on my hesitations. No, I truly want to be acquainted to her, discovering for myself whether she really is the one God has prepared. But somehow, my desire to know her left me wallowing in my own regrets.

While onboard another train, I prayed silently for God to still my heart, to wait before Him, and to allow Him to reveal His intentions in His own time, in His own pace. I was filled with struggles - struggles from the urge to wrestle control away from Him and from trying to "turn" God into a genie to fulfill my whines.

I remembered how Gibeon tested God when God wanted to raise him as a judge over His people (Jdg 6:17, 37, 39) and I saw myself falling into the same sin. The conflicts within me was too great for me to handle initially, but slowly, the conflicts subsided.

When I have arrived my destination, incidentally Elena's too (I think), I was still filled with hope that I would bumped into her, since the passengers were still slowly making their way down the platform via the 3 exits. Alas, I didn't see her anyway and with a low hung head, I made my way for home, and while on my way, I derived 2 arguments.

One of the arguments goes like this. If Elena's not the one God has prepared for me, the hints He has dropped are kinda obvious. "Give up, my child. She is not the one for you. See, you were so near, yet so far. I've allowed this to happen so you will see for yourself that she is not the one. Wait before me and the answer you seek will be revealed to you." I imagine these would be the words God would say to me. "You are not ready yet."

On the other hand, I believe Elena is really the one God has prepared for me; just that God is actually taking His time and pace to reveal this to me. He has already shown me she is the one through the walkathon event, her acknowledgement of me, and her greeting this morning. Every time when I try to take things with my own hands, my efforts would all go wasted. I've come to the conclusion that God is trying to tell me subtly, "Wait before me. I've shown you the one I've prepared, but only when you've truly submit yourself to me will I then give her to you."

And only God alone knows, so what a puny human like myself has to do? I guess I just have to continue trying to submit to Him, not in exchange for her, but in response to Jesus' love for us.

Inasmuch as I would like to spend the rest of my life with Elena, I will [try my best to] submit to Him, wait before Him, and be filled by His unconditional love.

This morning, as I was walking to another department to collect some reports, I bumped into Andrew (a FIG guy) and chatted with him as we made our way. Then as we were just outside the pantry, Elena popped out (from where else but the pantry!), she smiled and said "Good morning!" Now a perfectly simple situation has been complicated, 'cos the moment I saw her, I was at a loss on what to do (argh!!!), though I responded [instinctively] with a smile (best universal response for most situation.)

The question is: was she greeting us or just Andrew?

I'm at a loss now..... argh!!!!

With, let me see, 25 days more to the examination, and with having covered only about 30% of the material, I guess I'm marching into my own grave, witnessing how I would perish with my own eyes.

And to add to the dire situation, I'm actually still concerned with the issue on getting acquainted with Elena. I think there isn't many fools (or rather idiots) around who don't know how to prioritize. For the umpteenth time, I admit I'm a hopeless fool/idiot.

Shockingly, I kinda enjoy this sorta pressure that's mounting on me (especially the study), 'cos somehow I've made my cobwebbed brain functioning [almost] at its fullest. But I have to pay the price with a brain fully active prior bedtime, thus resulting semi-insomnia and hence a diminishing amount of visitation hours to Dreamland....

Haha, made a mistake this noon while blog.... I didn't cover about 16% of the material.... Coupled with the amount of material I've covered for the night, total coverage has reached about 26%!!!!

Looks like the situation is not that despairing after all! :D

Yesterday, my friend passed me the final 2 CFA textbooks. To my horror, my assumptions that these 2 books were past-year examination questions was quickly invalidated the moment I saw that one of the titles was actually "Derivatives and Alternative Investments"! So that means, I will only have one book on past year exam questions to practice on, and an increase of 375 pages worth of material to study! Oh my gosh! Effectively, that means, as of now, I've only covered about 16% of the materials! Help!!!

I had my fair share of cheap thrills this morning while I was going to collect some daily reports. I saw Elena making her way towards her desk, together with her colleagues. Not wanting to waste any chance, I tried my best to appear calm, looked at her politely and smiled. I don't know whether it was a lingering smile she had given to her colleagues (walking beside her), but the moment her head turned and our eyes made contact, she was smiling (at me?) too....

Elena, when can I be acquainted to you?

[By the way, does anyone think that walking up to her desk to befriend her is a bad idea?]

Elena has been on my mind for the past couple of days. Slowly, but surely, I'm beginning to believe she's the one (yes, I know, all these are 'made-beliefs').... For the past 2 days, my desire to know intensified and I waited for her to knock off at the train station, but on both accounts, she didn't appear after a good 30-45 minutes' wait. Oh, poor Elena.... She had to work overtime.... How I wish I could share her workload and relieve her of her stacking tasks.... I hope she'll get her deserved rest during the weekends....

I'm not exactly done with book 1 of the CFA text (specifically, the Schweser Study Notes), 'cos I didn't try memorizing the formulas in the last 2 chapters on Hypothesis Testing and Correlation and Regression. I have a rough idea how things work, but given a problem, I don't think I would know how to solve it. Sigh.....

Anyway, I'm kinda sick studying probabilities, so I guess I might as well move on to the other texts first.

And my discipline to study is starting to wane.... oh my gosh, I need divine help desperately!