I was kinda surprised this morning when I saw the message she left me, asking me out for coffee; this was the first time she asked me out. However, I wasn't too keen on the invitation, since I had the gut feeling she wanted to tell me about their relationship.

We went to a cafe in town, and conversation commenced after we settled down with our beverages purchased.

"So I heard you're helping out in the Sunday school. How is it as compared to the past?" she asked (The question is kinda redundant, since it was only a few years back when I joined the church.) "And I heard you are studying for CFA. How many papers are there? Is it like ACCA?" Another topic started right after the previous...

And hence, I "updated" her on myself, on the things she has heard from the rest of the gang. During which, she also told me of her "state-of-denial" of taking a specialist certificate for her pharmacist work.

"A quant? Wow, that's sound so... so Jedi-like...." she quipped. "Anyway, do you think it is a bit too early to rope in your friend, Adrian, into the worship team?"

Of which I continued to explain to her my reasons, and gave her a bit more insight on the situation Adrian's in.

"I heard you were quite keen in starting a cell group for singles."

I almost frowned. I thought she knew the idea was her boyfriend-to-be's, not mine.

"Well, the originator seems to be too busy to start anyway. I've prompted him for further actions but he didn't reply me." I replied.

"So, are you upset with the originator?"

"No. Why should I be? I treated it as a casual discussion over lunch..."

"Oh well, he purposely chose not to reply, 'cos he perceives that you still mind us seeing each other."

(Note that, there was still no mentioning of his name up till this point of the conversation. And tired of trying to refer to him abstractly through an alias [as "the originator"], I referred to him by name for the first time during the meet-up. However, they will continue to remain anonymous in the blog.)

"[He] has already told us of his course of actions in advancing his relationship with you in Jan, so even if [he] did choose not to reply [my email which was sent after his revelation of his plan] 'cos of fearing he might hurt my feelings 'cos of the two of you, he could still reply some time after that." I said (ok, I wasn't making sense here....)

"So, are you still upset?" she asked [again].

"No. Why should I be? I treated it as a casual discussion over lunch..." answering her [almost the same] question with [exactly] the same answer.

"No, I mean are you upset about us seeing each other?"

Ah.... the [real] agenda for the meet-up finally reared its head.... "I wasn't expecting this issue to come up...." trying to feign ignorance [for a while]. "No, in fact, I'm expecting this to come up.... Actually, I already knew how things are going to turn out last month [which he told us himself]. Even though back then nothing was official as yet between the 2 of you, with all the things already laid out on the table, I knew all that's going to happen is only a matter of time." I wanted to tell her I have been preparing myself for the day their relationship is made public, but eventually, I didn't. What's the point of telling her I still have feelings for her? It won't do any good to anyone of us.... Sigh....

"I just want to tell you [the things] about myself." She paused for a while, and continued, shaking audibly, "I'm so sorry for how things turn out...." [I think] I could see her eyes were slightly wet with tears. Tears are the most powerful WMD a woman can use against me.... sigh....

"Don't be. [If there were a need for an apology,] I ought to be the one [doing it]. After all, I've been bringing.... how shall I put it?..... I've been bringing inconveniences to everyone for the past few months. You really don't have to be apologetic in any way.... One cannot force another to love, and since all these things that are happening are just a natural progression, there isn't the need to apologize." I continued, "However, to be pragmatic, there's no way we (referring to the rest of the gang and us) can be how we used to be like in the past. We just have to carry on with life as it is now."

"Are you keeping yourself busy to keep things off your mind?" she asked.

"CFA - yes; Sunny school - I think no. Well, busying myself with things is the best way to keep things off my mind, so why not? Besides, I'm just fulfilling a [stupid] plan I've made for myself a few years back. I told myself: if I don't get married by [my age this year], I'll spend all the money I've saved up [for wedding] on studying. I'm merely fulfilling a plan in advance, so it's not entirely due to the things that happened [between us]." (ok, I must confess I've lied; it is MAINLY about her.)

I continued, "And with the fact that I've chosen not to switch to another church, not b'cos I cannot leave due to all the commitments I have, but a conscious choice, I would say it's quite a good outcome in itself."

"Yes... If you were really to leave the church ['cos of me], I would hate myself for a long time." was her response.

She became quiet, and the atmosphere was tensing up. "The air circulation in the cafe is already not that good, so don't make it worse with a tensed atmosphere." I tried (feebly) to steer away from the awkward topic (and why must I always be the one to do these sort of things in situations like this?)

Anyway, I was kinda successful and we did move on to other issues (such as the well-beings of our common friends in church).

"You'll eventually find the perfect girl... soon..." Ok, that's an "SOP"-esque (Standard Operating Procedure) remark made by her.

"I don't think so. I've no time for such things for the next 3 years. CFA is too time-consuming."

"Don't push away that thought. You'd never know when one will come into your life." (continuation of the "SOP"-esque comment.)

"Well, I don't want to put that in my mind for now. I just want to concentrate on my studies and if one really do appear, so be it. I just don't want to pin my hopes [on these things] anymore and in the end be disappointed."

"She might just appear at the time when you least expect it."

"We'll see how [things turn out then]....."

Then, quite a long period of silence ensued. All [her] outstanding concerns were [finally] straightened, and she seemed to be relieved from a heavy burden. She looked away, towards the direction of the soft, warm evening sun. She looked so beautiful...

"In any case, I just want to let you know that I am fine. So don't worry about me, if you are." Finally, the silence was broken by me. And she smiled...

"Even though you would be busy with your studies, do try to squeeze out some time to go out with us [for lunch, movie, etc]. I really would want to preserve the friendships I have [with you, and the rest of the gang]."

"[I'll] see how [things go]..." was my reply, 'cos I didn't want to promise something I might not be able to fulfill. "Anyway, I don't like Starbucks at all. They don't serve good mocha."

"Really? I don't like Starbucks too."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"Well... anyway, I know of a place that do serve good mocha. And that place is...."

"There isn't a need to tell me that place. I'll most probably forget where it is."

"Oh well, the next time when we (including our friends as well) go out, we could patronize that cafe...."

After [another] short exchange of trivial issues, we left the cafe, heading back home. "See you tomorrow!" she said cheerfully....

And the moment I turned my back away from her, heading towards the train station, I could still feel the pain in my heart which lingered since the moment I saw her tears earlier on....

I still love her.... I really still do....

begin program
  marital_status = check_marital_status()

  if (marital_status = single)
    if (still_available)
      activate What-are-you-waiting-for
    else
      activate wait-for-her-to-break-up-with-boyfriend
    end if
  else
    activate go-home-and-sleep
    print "Loser!"
  end if
end program

[duh!]

Today, one of my cell members called me, mainly to confirm the details for tomorrow's gathering. However, as she was going through her list of invited guests, she diverted from her original intent when she hit her cousin's name (by the way, the name's Jenny, if I'm not wrong).

Jenny's younger than my cell member (Nina's the name), and is 3 years my senior. She might have studied in the same polytechnic as I did (same course as well), although Nina wasn't that sure. So that means Jenny might also be my academic senior. Strictly speaking [according to her], Jenny's not her "cousin"; but rather she's her aunt (due to some family issues which I don't wish to elaborate and will leave that for you to sort out yourself). Anyway, Nina wants to (and here comes the main point!) introduce Jenny to me.... Gasp!

"She's so much more sweet looking than that pharmacist gal...."

"She don't look her age at all...." (in the positive sense)

"She has a very pleasant personality...."

"She's still single....." blah blah blah.....

Anyway, (believe me!) I wasn't keen at all (really, you've got to believe me!).... Yes, I do know that I'm not the only one who's assessing the other party; she would also be doing her assessment on me too.... The reason why I'm not keen is: I don't have the time to spare for these affairs of the heart anymore.... I've an examination to clear in June 5th, and I've only 3.5 freaking months to complete the "CFA Textbook Osmosis" process, and I have yet to find a suitable membrane.... (currently I've to make do with my pillow as the membrane... sigh.....)

According to my friend's analysis, I am a SanMel (hybrid of a Sanguine and a Melancholy). The classification is based on the book Spirit-Controlled Temperament by Dr Tim LaHaye (the same author of the Left Behind series). No wonder my mood swings like nobody's business.... er.... I mean.... now that I've a better understanding of myself, and with the book (which incidentally belongs to me), I should be able to work towards changing myself to become a better person... And if I'm not wrong (the book is not with me now), King David was also a SanMel! [So does that mean I can be as musically talented as he was? That I could overcome a Goliath? That I could love God like him? That I would kill to seize another's beloved? Gasp!]

Anyway, we're now in the 7th day of Lent, I've only finished reading one [out of forty] of the articles from a material authored by the local Presbyterian pastors and reverends. Seems like I'm lagging behind (duh!) by a big margin.... Sigh.... Looks like I've got to buck up (duh!²) and prepare myself spiritually for Passion Week.

With so many things to juggle with, when will I be able to complete the things I've set out to do? Will I ended up accomplishing nothing due to the lack of self-discipline (one of the Sanguine's negative traits)? ARGH......!!!!! NO.......!!!!!!!

So stay tuned to the next episode of "The [Mis]Adventures of Me, Myself and I".... (duh!³)

[And off I go with an insane mind, screaming my head off...... (duh!⁴)]

I've finally registered for the CFA June examination today.... USD 815.... That's a sizeable burnt to my savings... Anyway, it's an investment which I hope will pays off itself in the future...

Anyway, Sharon commented that I've wallowed too much in my "self-pity"... Hmmm..... self-pity.... Never occur to me that [most of] my blog entries tip towards that.... "Makes you appear like a loser..." she said, while we were on our way home...

Hmmm... that's quite a startling revelation to me! Why have I unwittingly portrayed myself that way? Am I really "wrong" to keep blogging about my failures in relationship, in the desire to get attached? Hmmm......

Well, I'm definitely not one of the main leads in the series A Series of Unfortunate Events (and wow, 11 books in the series already!) So, life's not all gloomy for me... I think my friends would still agree that I'm still a happy-go-lucky person in their midst... :)

In fact, I'm "utilizing" my singlehood for self-mockery (an "art" perfected by the English)... I think, by being willing to be mocked at, my friends are "entertained" [in one way or another] during the process, and it [may] also serves as a launching pad to steer the conversation towards some other over-the-top issues (after all, my [so-called] "obsession" in getting attached is quite dramatic!) Sometimes, I would even purposely leave a "loophole" for my friends to catch and ridicule me! Unbelievable but true.... :)

Maybe I've tried too hard playing the clown character which is beginning to be annoying to some people.... Time for me for a personality change? Hmmm....

Not that I'm sore over the hordes of couples today, just that I thought it might be interesting to record my views of them today, and to see whether I'll "degenerate" and join this league in the future.... :p

Anyway, feeling under the weather, feverish to be exact... And hence, I have the pardonable excuse of not digging into the CFA textbooks this evening.... :p

Gotta rest now... ;)

Who are we?

Usually, we're a combination of 2 species, and [usually] it's one male and one female. Any other combinations would often create social unrest in most countries. On weekdays, you'll only see a handful of us; on weekends, our numbers would increase; it's is only today legions, hordes of us will fester the streets, since it's the only official day so many of us can come out into the light and not be accused of illegal gathering. And it is only today will the almost-cost-next-to-nothing roses [and some other flowers] sky rocket in their costs. Restaurants will most likely be fully booked by us, and swarms of those who didn't make any reservations would patiently wait for seats, creating make-shift road barriers. Most of us would dress smartly today, and some of the female species might be scantily clad, perhaps to make sure her assigned opposite specimen keep their eyes glued on them. It is also today, according to studies, that most of us would journey long and far, to find and taste, what's commonly known as, the forbidden fruit. Unlike the first set of us where it was the female species who tempted the male to eat it, most likely, and most commonly, nowadays the male specimen's the one doing the tempting. Most of the time, the female species, and sometimes even a few male ones, would suffer a relapse of [supposedly wonderful] memories of their previous assigned counterpart(s). So, who are we?

Answer: [Mainly unmarried] couples.

[Duh! (again)]

Didn't expect the kind of response generated by the previous entry... I think I need to make my point clearer, seeking redress for being tagged as a "desperate"....

I admit I have [a little bit of] the sour grape mentality, but I am not desperate at all (only a little anxious)... It's totally unfair to labeled me as a desperate when all that I've done is to share about the struggles and emotional storms I am [still] braving through... I'm not in denial of the emotions I've experienced; instead acknowledging them with full conscious effort since these are the things I ultimately have to come to terms with.... If I really were to be a desperate person, I would have started pubbing, going for [any and all] blind dates, spending all my energy in skirt chasing activities, etc.... No doubt I keep mentioning my wish to get married in 2-3 years' time, I fully am aware that it's only a wish (to be exact, it's only MY wish)... If the act of sharing my wishes were to be criminal, then expressing the desire to become more Godly is of no difference!

As for the reason why I'm not going to give my blessings to the couples tomorrow is just one very simple explanation: 14 Feb is not the only day you show your affections/shower gifts to your "oh-so-precious" boyfriend/girlfriend! Is Valentine's Day the one and only one day one is given the "license" to display his/her affections to her/him? Is it the only reason for giving him/her a gift? No! It is not, unless you beg to differ! Therefore, it kinda irks me to see [almost] ALL couples behaving intimately, preparing the special gifts, or planning a perfect evening on 14 Feb! Yes, I do know that most would still do the same on the "special days" the couples share, but is it necessary to blow the "specialness-of-Valentine's" out of proportion? As I've already mentioned, this exaggeration is mostly an effect of the commercialization of Valentine's and the "amusing" embracing of things we hate...

Last of all, in addressing the main reason why I'm unattached: for some [unknown] reasons [to me], no gals would like to go out with a cheerful person like myself... As friends - yes; as soulmate/partner - no. In no way the characteristics manly and cheerful can gel together [except in dire situations - see below], and that's the problem: ladies prefer their partners to be manly (or butch-like)... Aha! A great mystery [finally] solved! Manly plus optimistic - yes; manly plus cheerful - no way [under most circumstances]! The only time a cheerful person could appear to be manly is when he has to decide on life-and-death[-esque] matters. And since I stand on the wrong end of the spectrum (being cheerful), I've inevitably alienate (or rather, reduced) my chances of getting attached.... I'm only hoping a gal who can appreciate my traits to come into my life soon.... [Side issue: Japanese gals are known to like cute things, and in some way, cheerfulness is very close to the "cuteness realm"; therefore, I may be able to score big with them! :p]

So, my conclusion to this "paper" is: I'll continue to reside on the cheerfulness realm, bringing happiness to the people around me, and to pray for the "perfect person God has prepared" to come and share my life with soon!

My most "hated" day of the year's just 'round the corner... It's a very frustrating experience to be reminded of it every time the television's switched on... It's so commercialized nowadays (we all know this, even loathe it, but somehow, we're still subscribed to the "universal truth" money must be spent that day. duh!) Not that I'm a Scrooge (after all, I'm STILL unattached!), just that I find it amusing how mankind (myself included) embraces the very thing(s) we hate....

Back to the original topic on the "most hated day"....

Most probably I'll just return straight home after work and bury myself in studying CFA... I'll scorn at all the [unmarried] couples who dare to cross my path, and scoff the intimacy displayed by loving couples. No one, absolutely no one, will receive my blessings that day... It's a day of contempt for me.... It will be!!!!

All hail to singlehood!!!

Constantine is quite a good movie... Typical storyline: evil's up to something, [anti-]hero tries to redeem himself by casting off demonic minions, meets female lead, saves her, escapes [literally] from the hands of the devil himself, leaves the relationship between himself and female lead dangling (plus the "mission" female is to undertake) which is also a good excuse for a sequel.... Anyway, there are also a lot of side-splitting one-liners. Albeit the theology depicted is questionable, all in all, the movie's money well-spent. One thing to take note: there's a short clip at the end of the rolling credits, so don't leave the cinema when [you think] the movie's over.... :)

Other than looking cool, Keanu still can't act... :p

I've finally dug into the CFA texts today. Most of the material for "Code of Ethics and Standards of Professional Conduct" are oh-so-cs (common sense), save a few gotchas here and there. If, and only if, I could finish digesting one topic per day over the course of, say, 1 month, CFA's not as tough as rumored. Most likely, the "hardcore" stuff's waiting to pounce on me when I hit them....

Anyway, I'm going out to the movies now.... to see Keanu Reeves in Constantine.... :p

A recount of a beautiful story shared by a colleague:

An old man brought his young granddaughter to the top of the highest hill next to the city they lived in. When they reached the summit, he told his granddaughter "In the city beneath, there is one young boy whom God is preparing for you is growing up together with you.

Whomever God is preparing for me is taking a tad too long to grow.... :p

Today was one of the rare days I managed to reach home before 2pm. Usually, after church service, lunches plus shopping/movie/bowling are a norm routine, and of which I'm not complaining at all... :)

In fact, I am quite glad how things turned out today. The group of friends I usually hang out with were lunching with the pharmacist gal and her (to-be) boyfriend. My presence normally would usually create an unexplainable awkwardness [which, in my opinion, is very similar to the smell of "fresh" fart on a jam-packed bus]. Maybe I'm the only one [stupidly] feeling this way, but nevertheless, I think my absence does help in their get-togethers... :)

Just a few moments ago, I received a call from one of my friends, and I shared with her on my contemplation to switch to another church. And of course, her first response was "So that you can have a 'fresh pool' of 'targets'?" I think I'll just leave it unanswered for your imagination to run [amok if you will]..... :p

With great powers come great responsibilities

Uncle Ben, Spiderman the movie

With great mass comes great strength

Restless Mind, EchoingThoughts

[Duh!]

I got a "duh!" response when I said I'm deprived of BGR (boy-girl relationship) for the past couple of decades. It's a fact which I'm still trying to accept. "Oh well, don't just go for anyone; wait upon God and He'll give you the best!" is the exact phrase my cell member encouraged me with. And she was right, albeit it's leaning tad more towards the "standard answer" category.

Anyway, for some unknown reason, I tried imagining myself being in a relationship with someone. No one in particular, but somehow, I didn't have a picture-perfect imagination. Somehow, it all felt, how shall I put it, so weird to see myself in a relationship. Perhaps it was due to the people I've chosen for this particular(ly-weird) imagination "exercise". Or perhaps, I'm just not ready for one.... (On second thought, I'm always preparing myself for one.... So, the latter can't be true.)

Anyway (again!), I've only so many hours available each day, so I think I ought to re-prioritize my "to-do list". And looks like the "getting-into-a-relationship" issue will have to take a backseat for the time being... I've missed the whole flower field while trying fruitlessly to look for one particular flower.... I'll stop trying too hard and let God lead the way.... Most likely, when I'm not looking for it at all, it may just appear at my doorstep one day.... Hah.... beautiful flower field...... :)

Just an additional blog which will be simple, short and sweet), I'm taking the CFA exam this year (though still deciding whether to take the June or December paper).... Thought I would leave a note here, as a record to measure the amount of time I would need to be certified.... I'm really keeping my fingers crossed to pass all levels with only one attempt!!!!

[Guess it's not that simple, short and sweet after all!]

I'm still feeling very sore over the reality of them being in a relationship (yup, the pharmacist gal and my vocalist friend). I have no problems talking to them one-to-one, but when I see them sitting together during service/lunch/whatever, emotional turmoil stirs within me, so much so I think I'm disgusted seeing them being together.... Yes, I know I ought to give them my blessings but for some unknown reason, I always choose to be disgusted. You read that right: I choose to be disgusted.

Why am I doing that? Good question. From my [distorted] point of view, I think I'm still kinda mad at them for not telling anyone of us about their relationship. Well, most probably that isn't a good enough reason to be mad, and maybe I would even laugh at myself a few years down the road for harboring over such stupid "grudge", but just let me be [that way] for the time being.

Anyway, I just hope that their relationship will turn out well... Really no point warring with my own emotions, which is a losing fight to begin with in the first place... I just want to carry with my life, happily... and not in the shadow of past rejections...