One week has passed since I last blogged and a lot of things have happened during this period. Nothing dramatic but I believe all these will eventually have an impact in my life.

One of the things is that my role in the play has changed: from Barabbas to one of the 2 thieves hung on the cross with Jesus. Exactly which one? The one who did not believe Jesus is Lord. Sigh....

"Dinner time!" and thus end my blogging session (for now).... :p

I'm engaged (again) in a new role for an Easter play! I was so excited after being in the state of such long period of [culture] drought. This time round, I'm playing the character Barabbas, insurrectionist and murderer (as recorded in the Bible). A minor role, but still better than nothing... :p

And come to think of it, this would be the second time I'm playing a villainous role (an evil jade smith in the first, back in Sep 2004). But the question is: do I really have a nefarious look? Oh come on, kids adore me, so it couldn't be my look. Or am I wicked in nature? Shouldn't be too, 'cos (I think) my friends commented that I'm kind at heart. Then why do I (almost) always landed up with villain roles?

Ok, I've acted as Jonah in a church play in Dec 2004; as a cute (but misoriented) prisoner last Nov; As a God-fearing Samuel in a church camp skit a few years back...

Hmmm..... Is God trying to tell me something? Maybe, He wants to tell me to "pull up my socks in following Him" through these vile roles, that I shouldn't slack any more in my journey of faith... Hmmm.....

Interesting but I think I should stop at the deduction derived above and live my life out in reverence of God... I just have to imprint that deeply in my mind...

Which career path do I really want to embark on? Should I be a software developer armed with financial knowledge, or should I be an IT-savvy financial analyst? Once I have an answer to that question, I would know what I need to do for the next 2-3 years (or maybe more).

If my choice were to be a software developer, all I need to do is to sign up for a graduate diploma (or maybe just an advanced diploma), and I can make that transition from my current job in about 1.5 to 2 years' time. But if I were to choose to be the latter, I will need at least 3 years to complete the CFA certification (and that's by no means an easy feat!) Chances are, for a computer science graduate like myself, it may prove to be an uphill task to complete CFA. Then again, I'm already working in a financial institution, so being CFA-certified would translate to abundance opportunities in the industry! I'm so torn apart trying to make this difficult decision! Syl advised me to go for CFA, whereas WL thought a grad dip would be better; Jennifer told me to "think over this and come to a decision by end this month"!

Therefore, the question, once again (in its simplest form): IT plus finance, or finance plus IT? Argh.......

I went out with Min today. The meet-up time changed repeatedly, from 5pm to 5:30, and later to 6:15pm, 'cos she was busy setting up her studio.

Min looked tired when she turned up. She has been doing a lot of work, hoping that her earnings would be able to fund her studies in Glasgow university starting this Sep. And in March, she'll be flying to Japan, together with the tourism board people, for 3 months, to promote the art and culture (and everything under the sun!) of our country. 3 MONTHS! I'm so envious of her. How I wished I could do that! It has always been my fantasy to live and breathe Japan! And now, my dreams' being "fulfilled" by my friend....

Anyway, hope Min will be able to find a sponser for her studies... Or a scholarship..... :)

Paradigm shift is what I need, to the point of desperation if I were to describe my, well, desperation.

I've read the book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective Person, I think, 2 years back, but I have yet to internalize the principles in my life. And now (shame on me), I'm actually reading the "sequel" The 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness. So now the question is: when am I going to start the internalizing process?

What triggered this? It was during this morning's prayer meet, my group of prayer partners (including myself!) lamented how often we forget about God's love, even when serving Him. Are we merely going through motion, trying to get (heaven forbid!) a job done? One of them even echoed his regrets of being "so lazy that life's wasted with each passing moment". He mentioned how he was reminded by the material used in the varsity cell group which carried the message "to change from a reactive person to a proactive one."

Through his sharing and my lamentations, I knew I needed a paradigm shift desperately, more so than an up-close-and-personal experience with God. The reason being that even the Israelites failed to live a life pleasing to God after experiencing the numerous miracles before, during and after they were brought out of Egypt. It's all too easy to fall back to the ways of this world, even after a wonderful encounter with God. I've been through that and I fully understand that encounter with God alone is not enough. It'll only work if it involves a transformation in the heart/mind. Paul said "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." (Rom 12:2a)

I think I ought to set my goal to internalize at least 3, out of the 7, habits by end this year (don't want to be too greedy!). Perhaps by then, with the (slight) paradigm shift, I would be able to foster a more intimate relationship with our Creator. The roller-coaster ride on this journey of faith is making me sick...

Have you ever been envious of your peers who don't look their age? To be more exact: friends who don't show any signs of aging? I do.

And have you ever marveled in awe at those people who don't seem to be put on any weight, no matter how much they eat or how little exercise they do? I don't.

I belong to the above 2 categories of people - people who don't appear to age, and who don't have a weight problem. Whenever phrases similar to "I'm getting old" and "I've got to watch my weight" comes out from me, I would experience "mini-wrath" from my peers. But am I really wrong to lament that?

I guess I'm at the stage where I couldn't appreciate these "blessings". Sure, I'm envious of those who look young, but looking 3 (or more) years younger than my actual age, it's very difficult to convince others that I'm actually more matured than I look. Yes, friends do tell me that I still can exude maturity despite my youthful look, but first impressions play such great impact I'm always fighting an uphill battle trying to convince them otherwise. (Ok, I've got to admit, I don't usually try to "appear matured" 'cos I believe it's more important to bring joy and laughter to others, and hence I normally take things light-heartedly. And since I adore kids so much, I would normally mingle with the children in church, inasmuch as entertaining them has become my "unofficial ministry".)

And when I lament I've got to "watch my weight", I'm actually concerned about putting on weight at the "wrong places", and, in fact, want to gain weight at the "right places". Actually, I tipped towards the slimmer scale for people of my height and I do hope I can put on masses (and, of course, not fats!) to have a better "body-contour"... :p

Perhaps... perhaps I might "lament" on the totally different sides of the "coins" I'm lamenting now after I'm past "the-peak-age", transforming into a pig, and looks back in remorse why I lamented about looking young and being slim.... Perhaps I should try to continue to "enjoy" my blessings "while stocks last"...... hahaha..... :p

Epilogue: Come to think of it, lamenting is already wrong in itself.... :p

Everyone, except 2, I know of tells me that Michelle is not suitable for me (or rather, I'm not suitable for her.) Is it really a "sign" for me to stop diving into a "clearly fruitless" relationship (as quoted from my peers). So should I go with the conventional wisdom of "heeding-the-advice-of-your-friends"? Or should I just go with my feelings?

One thing to keep in mind that I'm no longer young; Time's not in favor of me anymore (not even those anti-aging creams advertised can help).

"Reverse the effects of time........ Lux, super rich!" [Sorry, can't help poking fun at it.....]

Anyway, the best way to handle this is to commit to His hands. Not that I want to contradict myself, but nothing's going to happen if I merely sit around and wait for things to happen. Hence, the emphasis is: Do something about it but don't be overly obsessed. Hmmm.... That sounds kinda hard to realize it in my life, but I'll try nevertheless.

And hence the conclusion to this entry (duh! as if there're conclusions to the rest!)... the conclusion is.... is .... to sleep now and let tomorrow worries itself! Hahahaha....... :p

I've got a confession to make: I'm a pirate for the past 2 nights and will continue to be for the next foreseeable couple of months. This pirating "job" is sucking my life out of me, depriving me of sleep and even answering nature's call. Why must Sid Meier "torture" me? I didn't know the moment I laid my hands on his famed copy of Sid Meier's Pirates!, I've unwittingly given up my social life (which brings up another question: do I have a social life to begin with?). I have been wasting life away playing Sid Meier's Pirates! for the past 2 nights and I can't seem to stop! (Ok, that's far-fetched; I can stop, just that I choose to have fun playing computer games.)

Anyway, that explains the reason why I didn't blog for the past 2 days... Please excuse me, I've got to rush back to sail to the high seas in Caribbean to search for a ruby ring to give to the English governor's beautiful daughter.... :p

Hi, this is Mind, reporting "live" from echoingthoughts.blogspot.com. Today, I'm very happy to be able to catch hold of Restless for interview, with regards to the comment made to the blog entry yesterday.

Mindless: Restless, what's your reaction to the said comment?
Restless: Geesh, that's such a simple comment and you want me to... to comment on it?
M: But clearly ruggles seems to "suggest" you are fickle-minded. What do you have to say about this?
R: No, I'm not being fickle-minded. Oh please, why would you reach that conclusion when the main point of my last blog entry is: "I'll submit to God"?
M: Yes, I do see your point, but....
R: No more buts!
M: But Restless, don't you see ruggles' point as well? You may be just conveniently passing on your indecisiveness to God.
R: .....
M: Don't you agree with ruggles?
R: ..... I have the right to remain silent. I want to see my lawyer.
M: Please Restless, don't try to evade my question.
R: Alright! I'll answer, I'll answer.... Yes, ruggles' point did occurred to me when I saw that deceptively simple comment; actually Ren also told me that. Ren said it's as if I would enter into a relationship with any gal who gives a nod. And I have been pondering over it before this interview.
M: And?
R: And it struck a chord in me! I think I'm really starting to become like that!
M: Starting? Just starting?
R: Okay, okay... It's as if I'm ALL ALONG behaving like that. Satisfied?
M: Is there a reason your behavior to be as such?
R: Geesh, after 7, S-E-V-E-N, 7 rejections, who wouldn't develop a phobia of rejection? At least, I do! I just don't want to be hurt again. Do you understand?
M: Does that mean you will be entering into relationships without being really sure whether she's the one you really love, and if things don't turn out fine, it'll be easier [for you] to take a speedy exit, without a lot of pain?
R: Of course not!
M: Restless, please think twice before answering that question. You seems to be contradicting yourself...
R: Okay, yes! Less emotions poured in, less injuries sustained if things don't work. That's such a simple equation!
M: Has it ever occurred to you that you're being unfair to that gal?
R: ....
M: Has it ever?
R: .... Yes.... But I've been hurt so many times!
M: But that doesn't give you the right to hurt someone else!
R: .... Yes, I know. I'm selfish; I only think about protecting myself and inevitably hurt someone else in the process. Yes, I realized it'll be unfair to her.
M: And what are you going to do about it?
R: You mean my selfish thinking? Well, I guess the best I'll put my relationship into His hands and pray about it.
M: But that seems to be going back to where it originally began....
R: Yes, but this time, I'll "commit" myself to a gal and wait upon the Lord to tell me whether she's the one. Just like before, I'll not withhold any feelings I may developed for her during this period, whether eventually we're together or not...
M: So can you reveal to us to whom will you commit yourself to now?
R: ....
M: Restless.....
R: Michelle.
M: Why her?
R: For the past 2 years, the pharmacist gal kept telling me it's not possible for us to work out, and she's getting attached in the future to another friend of mine. I've no choice but to totally... totally give up hope on getting into a relationship with her.
M: But why Michelle?
R: I could feel her love for God is really strong, and I'm really attracted to her by that point alone. I think both her and myself can do a lot of things together, like serving God for the advancement of His kingdom, and things as such. She's an extrovert, and so am I; well, ALL of my friends feel that I am, albeit I think I'm half-extrovert-half-introvert. I think we can bring a lot of joy [and laughter] to each other's life; and most importantly, I think we can be the best companions for each other on this journey of faith...
M: I see.... Any other candidates?
R: Hey, that's a trick question, isn't it?
M: Oops.... Anyway, thanks for your time for this interview.
R: You're welcome... Can I say a few things?
M: Sure!
R: I would like to thank ruggles and Ren for "pointing out" my indecisiveness to me. I realized I was being selfish and I hope I won't do that again. Ever. I'll commit myself, my [future] relationship into God's hands.
M: And this is Mind, reporting "live" from echoingthoughts.blogspot.com. We'll be back after a commercial break.

Ok, someone told me Michelle's attached and I should try going out with Min instead.

"Are you sure? I thought she's not yet attached. When was your last update?" I asked, refusing to believe the cold, hard truth.

"Just recently. News from the youth ministry should be the latest..."

"But the version I heard was only 2 weeks' old..." But deep down, I knew 2 week's more than enough time for anything, anything to happen, let alone something as "trivial" as getting attached....

Oh well, actually I'm opened to all potentials, just that Michelle happens to be on the top of my "hit list" (er... and actually I do hope she'll be the one....)

However things may turn out, I'll just have to submit to Him and let Him take the lead.... Who knows (less Him), I might eventually end up with Michelle.... or maybe even the pharmacist gal.... :p

Ok, I know it's a bit exaggerating.... but it seems like I've (once again, duh!) dive head-in into (yet-another) an unknown relationship which no one (except God) knows whether it'll work out.... I hope this sentiment of mine is wrong.... I really don't wish to travel down the pain-filled path again.... But... but.... I'm so worried about her now....

What the heck! Just pray for her [speedy] recovery now and let the rest of the things work out itself in the future.... her health is of utmost importance now!!!!

Michelle's sick... but she said the sight of her students have made her forget all her ailments.... I really wished I could suffer in her place for her... I'm dead worried about her health now; knowing that she's the type who will not bow down to sufferings, I'm all the more worried that she'll ignore her ailment and carry on her teaching job, worsening her condition...

Oh Lord, please lay your healing hands on her and let her go back to school in full vitality... you know her heart burns for you and I pray Thee to relieve her of her ailments....

A chapter in my life has ended (refer to the entry below) and I have, what else but to stride boldly towards the unknown future.

A friend just commented today about my "continuous lamentations" of being single. "Being single has so many benefits. You can do a lot of things without being tied down.... blah, blah, blah...." And he himself is in the process of getting attached (and yup, he is none other than the going-to-be boyfriend of that pharmacist gal.) Most likely he's sincerely trying to help me to look positively at singlehood but still that's a "Duh!" comment to me...

Whatever it is, I can only continue down this dark tunnel, towards the Light which is still quite a distance away from me. I hope, during this journey, I'll meet the one God has prepared, to be my companion down this road of faith. Michelle (yup, the "new" gal that I think I'm fond of) may be the one, albeit that's quite a remote chance for that to happen.... :p

Nevertheless, I will continue to commit this into His hands... :)

I knew this day is going to come; it's just a matter of time. Today, as we were on our day to the city for lunch, after some probing from me, he told us their relationship going quite firm and all that's left is for him to see her parents. The pharmacist gal and him are in the process of getting into a relationship, and I've mentally prepared myself since last Christmas.

All of the sudden, any thread of hope for me snapped. All lingering feelings tumbled into the abyss, never to surface again. I wasn't sad; the dust has finally settled and finally I see the exit to this self-entanglement so clearly and so straight-forward, that it makes me wonder why I was entangled in the first place. Is it because I believe perserverance would work? Or is it just that I stubbornly refuse to give up? Or is it simply she's the best so far? I really don't know and whatever it is, the answer doesn't seem to matter anymore.

After (a total count of) 7 rejections (all of which I've truly pour my heart out in each and every try), I still believe love is just lying around the corner. (I'm not referring to God's love; His love is all around us all the time.) So can my 8th attempt be a blessed one?

The most amazing thing happened to me today. I have long forgotten the feeling of true happiness, the smile that comes genuinely from the heart, the joy that springs from deep within. And all these forgotten feelings came back to me, today after the worship practice in church.

She came, despite it was raining cats and dogs. She messaged me the day before and asked if she could help out as the vocalist this week. She called me, minutes before her arrival, wanting to tell me she would be late (and I missed the call). Initially, I thought she called to tell me she wouldn't be coming 'cos of the heavy downpour. But to my surprise, she came, making her way towards me and told me the reason of that call. She put her things right beside my haversack, and proudly took out the skirt she bought from her shopping trip and showed it to me. "Nice, ya?" she asked casually, with the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. I was totally mesmerized by her.

Practice went on, which ended at around 6:10pm. It was the longest we ever had, but I was totally enjoying myself, not only due to the selection of the wonderful worship songs, but also her mere presence. I wished it could be longer 'cos she has a beautiful voice, one that I would never get tired of listening to. I must admit she has filled my thought process in almost every moment during the practice and I tried hard not to let it show. When she left, although she didn't bid farewell to me, that did not, surprisingly, make my mood sink. I was on cloud nine, an emotion I couldn't even recall when was it the last time I've experienced it. All moments of joy I've experienced during the past 2-3 years pales in comparison to what I've felt today.

And nope, she is not the pharmacist gal.

Whatever it is, I want to give thanks to God, not because of her presence, but simply because He let me experience such joy that comes from deep within. :)

I've decided: I'll try [my very best] to de-throne "getting-hitched" as the number 1 item on my priority list. And I hope (really hopefully!) that God will reign in my life instead... It's easier said than done [at least, to me], since "getting-hitched" is the one thing that has been occupying my mind most of the time/in almost all my waking moments for the past [don't-know-how-many] years...

I hope I wouldn't shift to the other extreme - deny all potential "candidates" - 'cos [who knows?] God might actually give me my life companion this year.... I'll just leave everything in His hands and wait patiently.... That'll be one of my resolutions this year.... And this resolution is going to be a tough [but not impossible] one to keep... I'll just have to keep on praying.... :)

Finally, I'm blogging again, after a 6 days break. And this time, it wasn't due to laziness.

I nearly spent new year day (and eve) feeling under the weather. I suspect it was the "generous sharing" of the flu virus from one of my colleagues. Anyway, I felt terrible but thankfully, recovery went underway since new year's eve.

Then on the second day of new year (SECOND DAY!), I attended my cell member's son's wedding dinner (wow, that's quite a mouthful) and and ended up sleeping at around 1am. And of course, the "best" thing happened to me on Monday. On the THIRD day of a new year, the FIRST working day of 2005, I clocked out from office at 11pm!!! Overtime!!! Oh gosh, I hope that is not a "sign" of impending "stream-of-working-overtime"!!! Monday left me dead tired and I slept surprisingly early yesterday. Guess what? I, again, worked overtime today, albeit it only stretched for about an hour after knock-off time. Then again, is working overtime really an imminent "fate" for me [this year]? Sigh......