I had enough of all these death toll updates! "The latest figure is estimated to be 50,000...", "Death toll is expected to reach as high as 100,000...", etc, etc...

Why are people so concerned with the death toll figures? Will it make a broadcasting station with the most "accurate" figure (which is just an estimate after all) attract more viewers (and effectively dubbed as the "premiere channel with the most up-to-date coverage")? Oh please, will all these madness be tossed out, and instead let us know how those still ALIVE are doing?

Instead of concerning ourselves with reports on the humanitarian groups, most of us go around with the exclamation "What? The death toll has reached [insert figure here]?" It's not that we are not concerned with those survivors; just that, for most of the time, we've placed the wrong emphasis. "X number of [insert your nationality] are reportedly dead....." is yet another fine example of the wrong emphasis placed.

We pray for the living, for those who are missing but are still ALIVE. We don't pray for the deceased, albeit their deaths are grievous. We pray for the humanitarian groups and the affected countries' leaders for wisdom and strength to reach out to help the SURVIVING victims. We pray the death count will no longer increase (ok, this one's ambiguous; but under careful examination, we are actually praying more will survive the catastrophe).

So, will all the newcasters stop all these counting and instead tell us what the local authorities are (and will be) going to do to help the SURVIVING?

Sometimes I really wonder whether my worries/anxieties are all unnecessary/miniscule.

The tragedy that just happened, the grievances and sufferings left behind after the tsunami swept through the shores (and even the capital of Maldives) are immeasurably greater than my "it-is-just-about-me" laments. Perhaps I should just give thanks that none of my problems has such deadly consequences (pun not intended).

But examining things from another perspective, is it that God already know I couldn't withstand sufferings resulted from these natural disasters (or maybe even man-made ones) therefore shielding me in a safe haven? Or does He actually wants to see what I would do to help during such times (or maybe simply would I pray for them?) These unfathomable questions will one day unveil themselves but for now, I should just give thanks to Him and pray for these people.

However, as all humans are weaklings [in one way or another], all these "in-your-face" realities will soon fade from our memories and our problems will once again become "larger-than-life". I kinda sick of this "vicious cycle" ("tragedy elsewhere wakes me up", "my problems are of utmost importance", "tragedy...", "my problems...", etc.) I don't want myself to be reminded by these tragedies of how blessed I am; I want to always be counting my blessings, giving thanks to Him in every moment of my life no matter what happened. This is one transformation that will take years to take place, but I am willing (and desiring) to see it happen in my life (I'll include this in my new year's resolution.) Oh Father, give me with strength and wisdom to transform my life!

Father, may your comforting peace be with the families of the deceased... May their needs be provided in abundance... And may our prayers become their strength to face the future... Amen!

My heart goes to the unfortunate victims (and countries) hit by the tsunami. Although I might never be able to understand their pains and agonies, I would very much want to share their sufferings. For now, praying is all I can do for them...

The most unbelievable thing happened to me yesterday. After lunch, one of my friends and I decided not to watch the lame movie "Santa vs. the Snowman" with the other 2 of our friends, and off we went to the nearest bowling center to "throw money down the drain (gutter)"...

After a 5-10 minutes wait for my friend to make his throw (he scored 8 for the first frame), I, ahem, scored a strike on the very first frame! I was so happy but soon dismay descended upon me. That strike have made me haughty, and eventually, I lost 2 games to my friend.

"So what now?" he asked.

"We'll rest for a while and we'll play the last game. I must win this time!" came my reply.

Now let me paint the scenario to you. A stray pin was lying in the gutter, to the left of the lane. It was a "residue" left behind after the second game. (In fact, that happened in the first game too. But I "cleared" it after [mis]throwing the ball into the gutter.) Prior starting the third game, we asked the maintenance people to remove that stray pin for us ('cos it was such an eyesore), but they said since it wouldn't affect our scores, they were not going to clear it. So we endured the stray [pin], and continued.

After his final throw, his total score was 110. My total score for the past 9 frames was only 101, and I needed a strike or spare in order to stand any chance to win.

I waited for the other 2 bowlers on both sides of our lane to make their throw (and gosh, the group to our right was so rowdy!). I made the throw and froze [elegantly, of course] to assess it. The ball rolled, pushing itself towards the very first pin in front. Good throw! It hit and after some time, one lone pin (pin 5) stood head and shoulders above the rest. Oh gosh! I better not miss in my next throw!

I was very nervous 'cos if I didn't hit that stubborn pin, I would lose 3 games [consecutively] to my friend. I can do it! And with that in mind, I made my second throw. However, those thoughts had affected me: no sooner after the ball left my hand, I could see it rolling towards the left gutter, diminishing the hope of ever hitting that pin with each passing moment. Oh, I've lost again! Devastated, I turned around and saw my friend smiling.

My friend's smile of victory dissipated suddenly and he exclaimed "That's CHEATING! It's unfair!" Bewildered, I turned around (again) and saw the stubborn pin missing. Huh? Then I noticed the stray pin was also missing! "What happened?"

"That's CHEATING! It's not fair! The throw you've just made: it hit the stray pin in the gutter rebounded and hit the standing pin!"

That's unbelievable! Never in my life have I experienced such an encounter/miracle! I couldn't believe my ears (and eyes!) and at once I turned my eyes to the scoring monitor. Spare. The scoring system registered a spare!

In the end, I won my friend by 4 pins [only] in the last game. I was still thrilled by the marginal victory 'cos of the incredibly fortunate turn of event!

No wonder I love bowling.... and I'll love this game for the rest of my life.... :)

After the clock strikes 12, it'll be the end of Boxing Day. Anyway, I hope this would be the last year I'm celebrating Christmas as a single, saying goodbye (forever) to my singlehood next year (and preferably make Sharon give me a treat as a nice "side-effect")...

In another 6 days' time, it'll be the beginning of [yet] another year, making me ponder upon the things I [should] have achieved this year. Suddenly, that simple question has multiply itself by great magnitudes, transforming into a profound question which I may need more than mere recalling to answer it. I think it might be easier to answer it from the other perspective - what have I not done (which I should have)?

Be more Christ-like
Hmmm.... This is something that (I believe) no one can achieve within a year or two (maybe not even anything more than that). It's an on-going process, but still I need to motivate myself more (with the help from Him, of course) next year.

Er... I think I will continue next time..... 'cos I'm working tomorrrow!!!!

"Haven't you given up on her?" one of my friends asked while we were waiting for his bus to arrive.

I think this is one question I guess most people won't understand unless they are on the same side of the story like mine, which is: the one being rejected/ditched.

More often than not, the person dishing out the rejection would include "We can still be friends" or something similar when rejecting the person who likes him/her. I think it is only normal, kinda like a package thing; otherwise, it will feel incomplete somehow. That is one of the statements that's really easier said than done.... Ok, maybe the one saying it will find it easier, but definitely not for the one at the receiving end.

"Oh come on, it's been more than a year already...."

Perhaps it may be far easier for some people to accept the rejection, but for some, including myself, it is a painful experience. This is especially true when the person being rejected has already decided to love the other party without reserve. But shouldn't that be the case? Even before entering a relationship? I believe it is only when I know that I can [love unreservedly] then I will enter into one. (Oh well, the sad truth is, I've never been in a relationship before.) What if it was only a crush? What if it was only a physical attraction? What if....?? There's so many "what if"s and in order not to hurt anyone in the process, I've chosen the stupidest way to love. (And of course, in the end, I'll only hurt myself when things don't work out. At least, the damage done is minimized.)

And back to the "we can still be friends" issue, I believe the 2 persons involved (the rejecting and the rejected) can really be "just friends" as long as there's time AND space given to the rejected. Although it's a universal truth that time can heal any pain, space is the other required factor for a truly complete healing. For me, I need at least one year for complete healing to take place. Even a female friend of mine agreed that it is impossible for "just be friends" to take place immediately.

The process for me is progressing at a "2 steps forward and 1 step back" speed since I would normally see her in church on almost every Sunday. The situation is worsened as I might even see her on alternate Saturdays since we are in the same worship team, and also hanging out with the same group of friends.

I know it's no point losing a friend just because I was rejected, but it all take time and space for me to pick up and assemble the bits and pieces of my broken heart... I think I have started picking... albeit slower than expected... I just want her understanding...

Last evening, prior the church's candlelight service, we practiced for the coming Sunday's worship. Although the vocalist was not feeling well, he still "dragged" himself to the practice, just because he had promised me he would turn up. At the end of the practice, he told me he would not be joining us for the service 'cos he wanted to go home and rest. "Feverish." he said. Being a (good?) friend of his, I, of course, wished him well and hurried him to go back to rest.

One of the keyboardists [of my band] did not turn up for practice 'cos she said she had some wedding dinner to attend. Well, if you have already promised your friend(s), then just go ahead, I'll try to find a replacement. And hence the practice went on with only one keyboardist, one bassist, one drummer, one vocalist and, naturally, one worship leader.

Just about 15 minutes before the service, I was very surprised to see my vocalist and my keyboardist appearing together (the 2 mentioned above), attending the service. One thought flashed across my mind, Don't sit with them, Find a seat as close to the exit as possible. Leave immediately once the service ends. For a long time, throughout the entire service, I could feel an unspeakable pain in my heart. I thought I was mentally prepared for occasions like this, but last night's proved me wrong. My healing wound, which may not even have began healing, was torn open again. I thought I could let go of her.

I've known her for about 3 years, since I started playing in the worship team. Initially, she appeared to be quite a hostile person, but gradually as we got to know each other more, she became friendlier. She's a pharmacist, working in a local hospital. A gal who is warm to those she knows, often paying a visit to those who are admitted into the hospital she's working in. She adores kids, especially her nephew. And I was attracted by her outgoing personality since August 2002.

She can be very foul-tempered. So foul is her temper that even she told us we are all very lucky not to have experience her full wrath when she's in a really bad mood. At times (infrequently though), we still do experience that albeit at a scale very much toned down.

In Oct 12 last year, I finally expressed my feelings for her when we were on our way home after paying a visit to one of our friend's newborn. She smiled at me, and said "I think you know why we can't be together." Totally clueless, we spent 2 hours in the train station to have her explaining her words, to have me persuading her to give it a try. During that 2 hours, she told me her criteria she's looking for, which includes traits like wittiness, outgoing personality, music lover, sense of humor, height (yes, height!), and many others. She said I've actually met 60 to 70 percent of her criteria, and I've "scored" (also) 60 to 70 % in each of those traits that I've met (except for height, 'cos I'm definitely taller than her). (That's the main reason why I kept trying to persuade her to give this relationship a try.)

"I don't want to waste your time.", "I don't want to enter into a relationship I don't see a future in." were some of the replies she gave.

"Who wouldn't want their relationship to have a "happy-ever-after" ending? If you don't try, you'll never know. The most important thing is we must be willing to give it a try, resolve the difficult issues that may arise, and grow together during the process. Even if it really doesn't work out, at least we've tried. Worries are so speculative!"

"No. I'm sorry. I hope you can understand. We still can be friends."

"You're a nice person. I'm sure you'll find a better girl." she added.

2 weeks later, on Oct 26 2003, I asked her again, and I was again turned down.

I kept replaying the scene in the train station in my mind, trying to convince myself that I might still stand a chance with her. I succeeded, and continued to hang onto my love for her, hoping that things would turn out fine in time to come. I stubbornly refused to heed the advice (to give up on her) from my friends. I was hopelessly beyond help.

Although I love her, I know I should not push my luck too far. I know she's the type who doesn't like people to force things she dislike down her throat. I took a few steps back, silently and patiently waited for her to change her mind. But a few months after my confession, she told me "to give up and stop waiting for her". I was devastated and started leaving the group of friends we usually hang out together. I wanted room for myself to heal.

On my birthday this year, which was on a Sunday, the vocalist friend asked me whether he could join me for lunch after the church service. The reason he asked was 'cos I've expressed my intention of not celebrating my birthday (after what had happened, I didn't have the mood for celebration). Well, it was going to be just a normal lunch so I agreed.

"Do you have someone in mind who you fancy?" he asked.

"Yes, I do have. She doesn't like me. But I think I will continue to wait."

"You know, you should give up on her. She's not suitable for you. She's stubborn and so are you."

I was alarmed, 'cos I thought he didn't know anything about it. "How did you know about this?", a question posed which the answer already flashed across my mind, she told you.

"She told me.... on the day you confessed to her."

"Oh, I see."

"Actually, I know she somewhat likes me. Remember the trip I took with her last September? I actually wanted to give it a try... to see if we can be together."

Somehow, I already knew that.

"... I was treated like a slave when we were in France. We quarreled over many things, but I gradually gave up quarreling and gave in to her demands, enduring her throughout the entire trip. Her temper's foul." he took a sip and continued, "However, since we have known each other for a long time, all of these were put behind us after we came back."

"So do you like her?" My heart pounded, in anticipation of the answer to be given.

"She's a nice gal, only if she can control her temper better."

"But if you truly love a person, you would accept her as she is; no matter what her flaws are, you must be able to accept them as part of her."

"Yes, I know. However, I still think she's really not suitable for you."

I could sense his words were sincere. He truly wanted me to move on with life and look around again for a lifetime companion.

I cannot just give up like that! And that thought spurred me on (naively) waiting for her to say "Yes."

On 17 Oct this year, 1 (leap) year and 5 days after the rejection, I gave her a jar of 366 origami seagulls, which symbolized that a full year has passed. She smiled and said "You've put me in a very difficult position." A (false) hope sprung inside of me, which at a later point in time, my friends told me "those words meant 'please give up'".

2 weeks ago, during one lazy afternoon in a cafe, that vocalist friend of mine hinted us that he may want to try "going out with her" again. I did not register that in my mind then, but last night, those words echoed in my mind. Didn't he say he was not feeling well? Why is he attending the service... together with her?.... I'll leave immediately right after the service.... swirled in my mind.

I believe they are still not an item yet, but that is only a matter of time....

I've stupidly given my all, even before expressing my love for her.... and hurt myself in the process... now licking my "fresh" wounds (well, I AM stupid to have loved a person without reserve even before a relationship began)... even deceived myself I've already given up on her (which I still haven't)...

1 year, 2 months, 13 days and still counting... I think it's really about time to (really and truly) give up...

Tomorrow's the eve of His birthday!!! I kinda look forward to the church's candlelight service tomorrow evening, 'cos one of my pastors told me that the service will be unlike any in the previous years.... I do hope it'll be different... Change (for the better) is always a good thing.... ;)

But I wonder if anyone would invite to any bashes after the service.... (actually, I'm not even sure myself whether I would want to join them).....

Today's the first day of work, and the moment my colleagues saw me, they asked if I've put on weight.... Oh gosh, what kinda question is that? I thought my "slender" body would have told them the whole story within one glance.... Sigh.... I guess I was wrong... So now the question is: Is weight gaining beneficial to me (or not)?

Sigh.... Insomia was my companion last night (or should I say this morning?).... But surprisingly, I was (mostly) alert throughout the entire day! (Ok, I confess that I took 3 cups of caffeine, and one of them came from coke).... But I believe caffeine's not the main reason why I was energized (ok, that's an overstatement).... Could it be God who, after my blogging yesterday, "restored" my youth (and in the process, postponed my "expiry date")???? Er... Er... Should be.... Er... Could be..... Er... Might be.... Nay..... I shan't dwell on a question I can't answer.... :p

Whatever the case is, tomorrow's declared as a half working day in my company, therefore, aha! just like last week, I'm only working for one-and-a-half day (or should I say 1.5 days?..... whatever!) this week.... Hooray! If (and only if) this were to repeat itself throughout the entire year...... Ok... Ok... I ought to give thanks for this blessing and not be greedy..... :p

Anyway, I (together with another colleague) met an ex-colleague (er... er... that sounds kinda cold....)....... or rather, a friend for lunch this noon.... She ranted (?) about her new workplace.... Oh well, I shouldn't be so mean to her new workplace.... Luckily, er... I mean blessed is she, that one of our friends' already in that pile of..... no, I mean working there, for quite some time, therefore, providing her some cushion to the culture shock she had experienced (and will continue to).... And to think that the toilet at her workplace (to her) has transformed itself into a "mini-paradise" where she could "breathe the air so much fresher as compared to her desk".... Ha... think I would have "died" on the spot if I were to be the one working there.... :p (ok, that's a very mean statement I've made.... shan't do that again.....)

Later during the evening, my (the other) friend arrived late at the cinema, nearly causing us (to be exact, ME) unable to catch the trailers... Yes, it's just me, but trailers are the main sources (other than film reviews) I use to decide my next "must-catch-movie"... Luckily... no, actually I mean blessed are we, we only missed one trailer (I think).... Oh ya, the comedy was brilliantly delivered.... Ya, I know it's kinda brainless, but hey! A brainless comedy once in a while wouldn't hurt..... :)

Today's the last day I'm "rotting" at home.... From tomorrow onwards, no more lazing around (except weekends).... Ah, what the heck..... I'll find ways and means to laze around....

Anyway, it'll be His birthday in 3 days' time.... Sometimes I really wonder how much do I love Him? If I really, really loved Him, I wouldn't have done things that displeases Him, would I? Sigh.... God loves me, but do I really care? Am I just paying lip service??? What the heck! Just tell myself "I love Him, just that it's still not enough!".... I think this is one thing I really, really cannot afford to be lazy about....

Anyway, there's this rumor going around saying that Sharon and her beau's getting married, and they've even bought an apartment, planning to renovate it next year.... Sigh, looks like I've lost the bet, unless I managed to get hitched before her wedding.... Now, that's another thing I cannot be lazy about.... A near-impossible thing to happen (the getting hitched thing), but definitely not utterly impossible.... "Will God provide one for me next year???" a question I've always asked myself... Nay... forget about it and carry on living.... Since I'm "expiring" soon, and [I think] no one would want "expired stuff", just forget the whole thing and carry on with life.... Sigh.....

Just carry on lazing around......

By the way.... am i supposed to give a title to each and every of my blogs?

Nay, I'm just too lazy to come up with one everytime.... laziness is king!!!

After so many days, I have only one more chapter to read: Tapestry in Action. It's a really cool web application framework.. It works just like a jigsaw puzzle.... Assemble all the components and presto! a complete web application... The only catch is: I must know how to assemble them...

Anyway, I've "dropped" Howard Lewis Ship (creator of Tapestry) a comment, proposing Tapestry to accept specification files with the extra ".xml" file extension.... Hope he'll accept this suggestion and hence end my "misery"....

I hope I can move on to improve my understanding of Hibernate soon....

I still couldn't believe that I've spent over 60 bucks buying CDs... What's with my mind? An act of impulse? Or just simply wanted to splurge? Although I've been comtemplating whether I should buy them, I still couldn't believe I actually bought all 3 at one go..... Gosh....

I guess I was really impulsive... Sigh....