counting no more

the day that i hope would arrive earlier is finally within hours.
the arrival of the wedding mouse.
these months apart have been hard.
i believe not many couple can withstand any form of hardship
not to even mention a long distance relationship.

i would dare say that things went smoothly
there were times total chaos.
differences were settled.
finally i am can return back to the colorful world.
monotonous no more.

welcome home my bb.







 

painful mistake

i made a bad bad mistake.
there is hardly a way in mending up the hole.
no matter how perfect the craftmanship is, the hole will be there.
its the heart that has the hole.

there are many occasions where the heart gets hurt.
this is hardly the first time.
whenever it gets hurt the marks are mend back.
barely faded in your heart.

to hear that others did a much better job
i had to swallow my dignity.
only had myself to blame.
its true, i am not some one who is good at affection.
practical. irrogant. useless. poor.
not even close to being attractive.
what else can one like me ask for.

one gift that is brought to me by fate is now destroyed.
i cant fix the hole.
cant even get pass my stage of the damaged.
not to mention people that got hurt directly.

doubt me doubt my capability.
doubt my love doubt my dignity.
doubt me doubt my senses.
doubt my EQ doubt my irrogances.
doubt me doubt my memory.
doubt my feelings doubt my punctuality.
doubt everything part of me.

every part of me is a lie. every part of me is false.
the truth is i am not the worthy one of the gift.
perhaps one of those that really show concern bound to have a chance.

this time, it really got deep.
i felt it.
to me its the greatest mistake i have ever done so far to hurt others.
when it even got to me, i was shocked.
even my heart felt the pain that others suffer.
it really hurted.

its my fault and i accept it.
it is me and just me.

deep asleep

i would say its impressive how some stood so low in order to get money.
as the saying goes money makes the world go round
really does make some sense.

somethings will never improve.
the technology advances.
but the industry for entertainment still surrounds one major factor.
"SEX SELLS"
i feel sad seeing it appear all about streets.
directly or indirectly, one or another it takes 1 victim at a time.
one hot babe can promote to just about anything.
doping, smoking, sleeping around and so on

dont let yourself fall for things that have chain reactions.
if there is once there will be twice. so get a hold of yourself.
overdoing cause not only harm to yourself, it may turn to even a habit.
example: clubbing.

what is there that attracts you?

girls?
music?
friends?
dope?
drinks?

even if you achieve all of the above, are you really that happy.
as of monday, you will feel the same as you were the previous monday.
are you gonna spend every weekend at the club doing the same thing?

so what if you have slept with a bitch you met in the club?
it does not make you anymore of a hero.

wake up, bitch wake up.

state of depression

de‧pres‧sion [di-presh-uhn]

Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.

an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: as a (1) : a state of feeling sad (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty with thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal thoughts or an attempt to commit suicide b : a reduction in functional activity, amount, quality, or force

not sure what has gotten into me
addicted to caffeine
eat alot during non meal periods
what the hack
from a fit army personnel to a slacken fat ass

movies

we watch movies
some are fiction some are not
some are realistic some are not
others reminds us of what we are and are not

-continuation will be done when i gathered my thoughts-

a form of frustration

pathetic from beneath.
work - home - work - home
how to ease boredom.
trapped in 4 walls.
idea is there, no mood to carry out.
what else can i do other than the routine things daily.
i need a freaking break free.

can some one give me a thinker?
will some one save me from this monotonuous lifestyle?

lack of words

utterly disappointed
something went wrong

lack of communication caused such effects?

can some one tell me...

crying deeply

far away

far away

this time, this place
miused, mistakes
too long, too late
who was i to make you wait
just one chance
just one breath
just in case there's just one left
cause you know
you know, you know

that i love you
i have loved you all along
and i miss you
been far away for far too long
i keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
stop breathing if
i don't see you anymore

on my knees, i'll ask
last chance for one last dance
cause with you, i'd withstand
all of hell to hold your hand
i'd give it all
i'd give for us
give anything but i wont give up
cause you know, you know

that i love you
i have loved you all along
and i miss you
been far away for far too long
i keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
stop breathing if
i don't see you anymore

so far away
been far away for far too long
so far away
been far away for far too long
but you know, you know, you know

i wanted
i wanted you to stay
cause i needed
i need to hear you say
that i love you
i have love you all along
and i forgive you
for being away for far too long
so keep breathing
cause i'm not leaving you anymore
believe it
hold on me and, never let me go
keep breathing
cause i'm not leaving you anymore
believe it
hold on to me and, never let me go
keep breathing
hold on to me and, never let me go
keep breathing
hold on to me and, never let me go

really love this song...
so much for the distance between us
the spirit of living and going on till we meet runs deep in the blood

Iris

Iris

And Id give up forever to touch you
cause I know that you feel me somehow
you're the closest to heaven that i'll
ever be
And I dont want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
and all i can breathe is your life
cause sooner or later its over
I just dont want to miss you tonight

and i dont want the world to see me
cause i dont think theyd understand
when everything is meant to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

and you cant fight the tears that aint coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know youre alive

and i dont want to the world to see me
cause i dont think theyd understand
when everything is meant to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

and i dont want to the world to see me
cause i dont think theyd understand
when everything is meant to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

and i dont want to the world to see me
cause i dont think theyd understand
when everything is meant to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

i just want you to know who i am
i just want you to know who i am
i just want you to know who i am

moment of happiness

alright i have not been online nor blogging for almost a month now.
ever since bb came back, i dont have much time for this affair.

been to bangkok from the 30th June to 3rd July.
had a hell of a great time with bb and our 2 friends.

here it goes...

headed for bangkok on Air Asia.
went on the check into our hotel First House Hotel.
the hotel didnt really meet my expectations but living conditions wouldnt that bad.
spent a total of 4 days shopping shopping and shopping.
the 3 of them used up all their money including sing dollars.
so desperate in buying stuff, went on to the extend even drawing from their visa cards on the last day.
3 of them had extra bags to return with.
really shoppaholics.
:)

_____________________________________________________________
ps.
watching movie in bangkok is an whole experience as compared to local.
the structure of their threatre are certainly more grand.

and after the series of advertisements,
all viewers will have to stand up, come to an attention.
in giving respect to the King's short documentary film.
the 4 of us were so surprise, we just blindly stand and follow the crowd.
_____________________________________________________________

lazy to go on further in detail.
would just wanna end with this...

grades

its times like this, that you totally understand where you stand as a person.
never liked grading. whether in primary, secondary school, poly or in the army.
once being graded, it always comes along being compared to the others.

how far is A compared to B?
how far is B compared to C?
can that be measured?
how long does it take to travel from A to C?
this kind of question happens to be published in primary school questions...
from young this is piled in.
A is better than B.

if you are a scholarship holder?
does that make you any better than human?

grades rule the current world.
everything comes along being graded.
whether you greet your elders - graded
whether your mouth is sweet - graded
whether you look pretty - graded

things no long come from the heart nor from the effort.
facial plays so huge part that no one sees what is in the core.
we complicate ourselves. finding one or more problems for ourselves to solve.
then claim that we worked hard and deserve to be praised.

if one day everyone is treated equally.
as long as you complete your homework you will score an A.
as long as you put on some clothes you are decent.

what will then happen...

running shoes

every runners performance shoes...

came across an article

most teens say no to pre-marital sex

article taken off Home on May 9 2006.

...
Six did not use condoms, despite knowing the risk of pregnancy and of contracting STD.
And some started having sex with their partners after having known them for just a week.
They do it at budget hotels or at a partner's home - in some cases, even while parents are
around. "As long as you dont make too much noise, they wont suspect," said Ann, who
first had sex when she was 14.
...
Others were unwilling to spend 3dollars for a pack of 3 condoms. Jasmine, 15, said
"After my bf and i did it, I just need to go to the toilet, urine and force everything out".
All others interviewed as long as the guy ejaculated outside a girl, the risk of getting
pregnant is little.

What teens tell parents to avoid suspicion

1. "I am going to stay overnight, got church camp."
2. "We are just going to study, can close the door?
Cant concentrate."
3. "She is my sister lah, 'mei mei' only."
4. "I am staying over at my friend's house. She has a pyjamas party. All girls."
5. "Sex? What is that?"

What boys tell girls to get them into bed

1. "I really really love you."
2. "Come over to my house, I give you a massage. Very shiok."
3. "I fetch you home, now 3am already, its not safe."
4. "Want to come over for a drink? My parents have a stash. Its free."

Amazingly girls & parents fall for this kind of quotes.I been through
this stages of life and yet havent witness this process. Ridiculous i find.
Dont these people ever feel ashame?
Hope to find one that is willing to share his/her point of view with me.

sighs

long long missing post

long long long time since i ever added a post.

27/04
did outfield training as a unit.
there were 3 drivers under me. i wont say i lead them
to be awarded the best camo for 5 ton vehicle twice, day
and night. but they certain proved that they are not
just typical drivers. certainly never did night camo in
my training as a sect com. it was my first time. surprisingly,
we completed the night camo faster than the day, despite
the darkness. went back to camp. slept @ 0430 in bunk .

28/04
start work @ 1100.
half day off awarded to all that participated in the training.
left camp in a cab, headed home for more rest.

went to jb for dinner with my family and a friend.
the friend frequent jb weekly. he basically knows the
place inside out. he brought us to this back
alley near the causeway for dinner. its really like those
in the movies, a back alley with food stores on a push cart.
it runs about almost 100m long packed with stores one side.
my cousin bought a huge pao which the friend
recommended. he goes on mentioning its about
2/3 of a woman's chest. it cost only 3 ringgit. its like a
really good. poor in explaining. try it when you are there.

dinner:

stingray
sotong
fish slice noddles
fried kway tiao
huge pao
fish head + yam rice

supper:
low fat latte
hot vanilla
mud cake

bought myself a new 6100 original casing that cost
12 ringgit. i dont think i can even find that price in sg.

headed home paying TIBS with ringgit. i never knew it
that was possible. cheap fare back.

29/04
rot at home

30/04
rot at home

01/05
rot at home

in 47 days time i wont be like this pic anymore.

loneliness creep

as loneliness creeps into me,
making me empty.
black and white vision covering my pupils,
heavy music deafing my monotonous life.

a timespan of 3 months plus has passed.
promotion came, nothing changed.

i know the night is not the same as the day; that all things are different,
the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because
they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely
people once their loneliness has started.

ships that pass in the night, speak to each other passing. only
a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness; so on the
ocean of life, we pass and speak to one another. only a look and
a voice, then darkness again followed by silence.

thats all...

words from beneath

time drags us apart.
giving and taking should be part and parcel of us.

respect the situation and adjust to it.

there should be plenty of respect given between each other.
certain things can be avoided, are not.
if one is willing to give in and the other is willing to take, things will work perfectly.

why is is so that no one doing that?

disappointed, cant comprehend.

life kicks you in the back

when you think you're down and hope for better.
think twice.

its always when you feel extremely down/tired, need a breather.
work comes to you in a stack.

sign your name and get ready to be charged.
:D

i dont understand myself

i dont understand myself, do you?
how many of a times do you actually slow down and think what of kind of person are you?

asking people to do survey on your character. expecting good results.
this often happens in giving testimonials to your friends.
do you actually say the negative points about them?
as far as i know of, none made negative remarks.

i dont know myself.
what i expect in life. what i want in life. what i need in life.
looking around me, i feel inferior compared to people around.
looking further around me, i am much better of than most.
why the fuss? beats me either...

think of ways to look at myself.
why is that so, i feel so different?
i feel some became more open to changes... thrills... dares...
maybe i am too timid to try. whatever step i take i bear the consquences.
how painful it gets, depends on how hard you stab.
currently, i stab myself so hard that i have not realised how much pain i agonised in recent month.

have to learn to chill myself out of the tough situations.

self-reflection.

uni application

finally settled my uni application today.
its a hefty amount of money compared to studying local but i seriously prefer an all new environment to study and to get exposed to.
all my life in SG has been monotonous.

i need to break free. restrictions here and there.
take a slower pace of life, which is very much me.
thou, i may lost brothers / close / good friends. there surely means and ways to get to them.
no worries.

imagine every morning having nice cheese cakes & coffee before going to work.
(take note of the word GOING instead of RUSHING compared to SG)

i hope the day of my departure come earlier...

408 days more to freedom

little reminder

just in case you forgotten how i look like...

pic taken in holland v

things have changed throughout the time apart but my love and trust in you hasnt and will never change.

you may feel that i have react differently to you nowadays but rest assure that i am still the man i am made to be and the man you want me to be. love you...

miss extreme times with you.

as times flies by its already 2 months plus since bb left.
miss her...

gone.

Schnappi, das kleine Krokodil

Ich bin Schnappi das kleine Krokodil,
komm aus Ägypten das liegt direkt am Nil.
Zuerst lag ich in einem Ei,
dann schni schna schnappte ich mich frei.

schni schna schnappi schnappi schnappi schnapp
schni schna schnappi schnappi schnappi schnapp
schni schna schnappi schnappi schnappi schnapp
schni schna schnappi schnappi schnappi schnapp

Ich bin Schnappi das kleine Krokodil,
hab scharfe Zähne und davon ganz schön viel.
Ich schnapp mir was ich schnappen kann,
ja schnapp zu weil ich das so gut kann.

schni schna schnappi schnappi schnappi schnapp
schni schna schnappi schnappi schnappi schnapp
schni schna schnappi schnappi schnappi schnapp
schni schna schnappi schnappi schnappi schnapp

Ich bin Schnappi das kleine Krokodil,
ich schnappe gern das ist mein Lieblingsspiel.
Ich schleich mich an die Mama ran,
und zeig ihr wie ich schnappen kann!

schni schna schnappi schnappi schnappi schnapp
schni schna schnappi schnappi schnappi schnapp
schni schna schnappi schnappi schnappi schnapp
schni schna schnappi schnappi schnappi schnapp

Ich bin Schnappi das kleine Krokodil,
und vom Schnappen da krieg ich nicht zuviel.
Ich beiss den Papi kurz ins Bein,
und dann, dann schlafe ich einfach ein.

schni schna schnappi schnappi schnappi schnapp
schni schna schnappi schnappi schnappi schnapp
schni schna schnappi schnappi schnappi schnapp
schni schna schnappi schnappi schnappi schnapp

shaggadalic

weekend finally nothing to cheer cause i got duty.

thursday bridgate change of command ceremony.
spent 5hrs standing at the guard house welcoming commanders.

today out on detail from this end of the country to the other end. total mileage was like 92km.

tomorrow, company orderly sgt. 24hrs standby. pointless in my mind still have to serve.

mono-tone lifestyle this weekend...

upcoming week includes bridgate street soccer comp, national education tour.

some just dont learn the lesson

why is it so that some people dont ever get it in their numb skull.
once bitten twice shy never occur.
time and time again, they still dont grow wiser.
in fact they became brainless. least bothered about falling.
really disappoints me when i see this happening.
wish i never knew about such people in the first place.
behave the way you are, i respect.
behave this way and act CLEAN is L AM E S HI T!
totally lack of self-pride.
at the end of the day you are just hurting your D AM N SELF.

disgraceful.

truth from within me...
Brendon

vday uh huh....

morning run shagged me out.

early time off given by RSM because of valentines day.

lack of sleep.

end of vday.

yet another has left

another two of my cousin have left for mel.
the situation is getting worst.
family gathering wont be as fun as before. gatherings will be full of adults rather then usual kids crowding the parents.
in 2 weeks time yet another one will leave for taipei for 2months.
lonely lonely me...

suddenly, everyone, every cousin beside me all this years have grown up. old enough to take care of themselves. a few years back they were still small kids fooling around. now they are abroad. cant imagine i am still stuck here serving the nation. time waits for no man and i have to wait for my time to come. this wait is gonna be long. that sucks! right! 1 year can change a teenage to an adult.

vday..
lonely vday for 2006. miss bb alot... still waiting for her to come home when its already 1215am there. vday has already began for 15mins. this 3 hrs diff time thing is really a burden. hopes she likes my present. effort spent on deciding her gift.

miss those times...

moody sunday

i was suppose to go visit bb's parents to bai nian.

wasnt myself today. could seat in front of my com and daydream for hours.
usually i dont even have patience to seat there for even half an hour.
i feel extremely rude. something strucked me. the scene of bb going off keep running
thru my head. there is like nothing i can do. blame her? blame her parents? none.
painful and unbearable. no one to turn to either.

why its it this way?

somethings cannot be controlled.

whatever it is i am SORRY.

gone.

ORD

461 days left to ORD.
1 year 96 days to ORD.

 461
-365
  96


i still have so long in service more. so much for the OJT. i doubt anyone will come sending me back for Advance MSET. i wanna move on to CMTL ASAP.

chill

chinese new year so...

chinese new year without bb.
sicken, pathetic, pointless.
chinese new year on a sunday.
no mood. no feeling. no spark.

as usual, went visiting... blarh blarh blarh...
collected ang baos but have no interest in opening. i need luck. i need all the luck i can get.
i wanna be an extremely lucky person. everything comes with a price, i paid far too
many things and have not gotten anything back in return. so its pay back time.

movie watched 'Memoirs Of A Geisha'
brilliant movie indeed. it reflects of how japanese woman were treated at that point of time.
i cannot stand the fact that woman were treat like a piece of item. family sold their
daughters to homes, this homes form these girls into Geishas. Geishas are no more than high
end prostitute. they are just there to perform for the mento see. singing, dancing or
strumming away their musical items. at the end of the day, its the bidding of her
viginity its all that counts.

woman scarificing themselves for their love ones are DUMB. i will never accept anyone's
debt in exchange this kinda pleasure. its sick! this movie reminds me of what i heard
from my friend.

situation.

A and B are a couple.
while C was A's buddy also B's mutual friend.
one day B realised that C was trying to get closer and closer towards C. C didnt
retreat because she thought C was just trying flirt along with her like he always
does with other girls. the 3 of them usually goes drinking. knowing that A
will always be with B. she normally gets drunk. there are many occasions that A
sent her back to his place for the night. this time is different. B got drunk.
when she woke up she was at A's place. this time she was done. B felt extremely
awkward. she picked a shirt alongside her and smelled. it was different.
A doesnt smell like this at all.
as time goes by, she found out from someone else that her bf actually owes
C soccer money. one of the condition was to let C have her.

i didnt hear the ending and dont plan to. sighs.

sign off.

alright i'm back

i'm back into posting. main reason is because there is a distance barrier between bb and me. talking long distance is extremely expensive on the long run. our time difference also may cause a problem. by coming back into blogging, i can express my feelings out so bb can know how i feel. :)