这般次第，怎一个“安”字了得。

没有脚的小鸟，原来早在2018已经找到了自己的双脚，只是当时的自己，并不知道自己内心的渴望。

虽然这两年来曾受到设想中的丰厚果实利润名誉的诱惑仍然会动摇，不过，原来内心深处，早已有所决定。 没有脚的小鸟，后知后觉，领悟了。

 

2020年的自我探索，她找到了她的脚，知道了自己的意义。  

然而，这一切不是偶然。

原以为是拥有了脚才能停靠，岂知，竟然是这棵树让她稳稳当当地找到了她的脚。

这棵树并不非凡，淡茶淡水，相处犹如君子之交淡如水般。但是他那稳扎稳打的树根、那股根深蒂固不轻易动摇的深根、何时展开树叶、何时开花结果，样样有条不紊，日子平淡如水，却不失其风韵。一切似乎及其自然，没有牵强，没有阿谀奉承，没有谎言，只有真实、真挚的一颗心。 小鸟知道他为她留了一个位子筑巢，最好的枝叶都让给她筑巢，保存最好的果实给她，甚至为她挡风遮雨，不受伤害般呵护着。

这安乐窝，这棵树，这般次第，怎一个“安”字了得？

继《没有脚的小鸟的心声》

初稿 10.01.20

完稿 24.01.20

#whatisyourword —— #安

~ whatever happens, happens for a reason. =)

Soul

Are you in the water or are you in the ocean?

Dorothea: [after Joe has a successful first performance] What’s wrong, Teach?

Joe: It’s just I’ve been waiting on this day for my entire life. I thought I’d feel different.

Dorothea: I heard this story about a fish. 

He swims up to this older fish, and says, “I’m trying to find this thing they call the ocean. 

“The ocean?” Says the older fish. 

“That’s what you’re in right now.” 

“This?” Says the young fish. “This is water. What I want is the ocean.”

~~ Soul (movie)

 

What is your spark? 

Chasing after goals - wanting more (WW84) - is it necessary? 

What's the closest and dearest that you have sidelined?

That comment "It's just I've been waiting on this day for my entire life. I thought I'd feel different." struck a chord in me. I thought I would be different when I finally became a kyoshi, something that I had been chasing since 10. I thought I would be different when I lived in a different country (but it opened up my eyes cos of the people I came into contact with). I thought I would be vastly different when I finally became one's tsuma, another thing that's been deep in my soul since 12.

Somehow, these few days, that voice in my heart told myself "I have made the right choice" when the deployment came out. No tears, no anger, no regret -- just plain relief. [Or is that the san in me talking because of the lack of goal post?] Though, I really wanted to change, I have already made my mind in 2019 to change it in 2021. Bah. Another year.

I am reminded of the distant past where I "made my escape" when I did not like what I see -- them 'sucking up' (if I may use the angsty speech of a teen) to the seniors and the EXTRA training dates which I do not want to commit to because I value my sleep on weekends and I do not want to travel just for training. [On hindsight, I am blessed that my school was benevolent in awarding me those extra points] 

Anyway, I created my own fate, whether I like to admit it or not. 

And now, I have a plausible explanation for why I did what I did -- Enneagram. It shed light on decisions I made but seemed slightly unexplainable, and allowed things to float above the surface. I am glad to have benefitted from this self awareness. 

[This self awareness that was already way obvious to my pa -- you are amazing. Actions he wanted me to work on - which I found 'useless' as it took time off tasks - were kind of important. It is not easy. It is not easy tearing me away from being task-focused. But I will work on it.]

I thought I'd feel different.

原来我不过是个小人物——我要的很简单。:)

Health and Family and Spiritual Development. 

The rest can come, as long as they do not hinder the cornerstone of my being. 

I am different already, I know it.

~ whatever happens, happens for a reason. =)