Announcement: New blog. New start.

remember i said, i was thinking about creating a new blog?
and finally i did it, thanks to the boredom.
yup! i have a new blog.
but i aint sure how many of you who are reading this would like to continue reading my blog.
well, dont say i didnt tell you now.
again, i didnt make it private. i still welcome those who care to know more about me to continue reading it.
i am sure you can find it pretty easily.
or you can PM me to ask for the new blog address. =)
well, perhaps i will still update this blog whenever i feel like doing so, but it wont be that often anymore.

不一样了

是的，我变了，
一切都变得不一样了。
我不懂这样的改变是好还是坏，
既然以前的我让那么多人受不了，
也许改变一下对自己，对大家都好吧。
我知道你们希望我能有所成长，
虽然我不知道这样的改变是否让你们满意，
他们说，伤过了，痛过了，就会慢慢地长大。
但是，别忘了，每个人面对痛的反应都不一样。
哈哈。

但至少，现在的我，
更加懂得珍惜。
那些真心对我好的人，我会加倍地对他们好。
尤其是那些对我不离不弃的人，真的很感激！

现在的我，学会了，更加爱自己了。
就算被全世界遗弃了又怎样？
就是因为没有人爱，所以才要更加地爱自己啊。（不然就亏大了，哈哈！）
然后，把爱分给很爱我的家人，还有懂得珍惜我的朋友。
何必为了不在乎你的人而伤心难过？
倒不如把爱和开心带给你身边的人，珍惜每一秒和他们在一起的快乐时光，那不是更加有意义吗？

最近，迷上了xia xue 的blog。
很欣赏她的直爽，还有看她如何面对批评。
得到了很大的启发。
同一件事同一个人，有人会喜欢，当然就有人会讨厌。
没有一个人是可以让全世界都喜欢你的。
重要的，是学会尊重。
我们可以有不一样的想法，不一样的立场，
这不代表一定其中有一方是错的。
看开了，不会勉强你们接受我，
只不过，我也有权利保留属于我的回忆，
不勉强你们接受我并不代表我已经放弃我们之间的友谊，
到现在我还相信着，朋友是作一辈子的，
不可能说断就断，即使你们不把我当朋友也无所谓，
至少在我心里，还是有你们的影子，有我们一起的回忆。
还是会忍不住想关心，想知道你们的近况，
但是又不知道该不该打扰。。。

ops。我离题了。
说到面对批评，以前的我是会找个角落躲起来，静静地看着血慢慢地流着，等到它已经不再流了，默默地疗伤。
后来发现，这个方法实在是太委屈太愚蠢了。
不出声，别人就当作是你不在乎了。却没想到是你拼命地压抑和忍耐。
某人说得对，默默承受已经落伍了，不被接受了，
现在说的是，坦荡荡敢爱敢恨敢讲的时代。
只要对得起自己，不做伤天害理的事情，
又何必去理会哪些人喜欢你，哪些人讨厌你呢？
现在是大唱‘我就是这样’的时代！
做回最真实的自己，才是对的！

有人讨厌你，不赞同你，
才更加证明你是特别的，是与众不同的。

"Anything that you do that is out of the ordinary will get you haters.
Most of the time, exactly why they hate you is what makes you unique."
- Quoted from XiaXue



或许，你们是对的。
因为就是从这些伤痛里，我更加了解自己了。
原来，我并不是自己所以为的那么没性格，没想法的。
我也更加清楚自己不要的是什么了。

我知道自己常常在blog得罪人了，
但是这里是我唯一可以抒发自己想法的地方，
在这里我是主人，我只想有个地方可以不必压抑自己而已。
不然我真的很怕会有精神病。
愿意继续和我分享彼此生活与想法的，谢谢你。
看我的blog不顺眼的，呵呵，feel free to leave~

My 1st Banoffee

在London的时候, 有一天我们去亲戚家吃饭聚餐。

没想到他们竟然准备了full course meal，从appetizer（salad，pie）到maincourse （烤羊）再到甜品（banoffee），第一次吃banoffee，真的很好吃！

回到来，整天在家无所事事，所以mao mao突然心血来潮，提议自己做banoffee。然后就在网上找到了recipe照着做。

它很特别，因为不需要oven的，只需要放进冰箱冷冻。可是也没有想象中容易，因为里面有几层的料，要一步一步准备，底层弄好了要放进冰箱等到它冷到凝固，才做第二层，再冷固，才做第三层，再冷固。最后还要放chocolate topping，结果花了大半天才做成。。。

做了三碗，自己家人吃了一碗，送了一碗给邻居，还有一碗，其实我是有心要留给那个曾经对我来说是很重要的那个人。虽然是自己第一次做甜品，味道还算不错，但就是太甜了。lesson learnt：千万不要相信recipe，糖粉绝对要减！ 可能因为外国人很喜欢吃甜的，难怪他们大部分都obese。

因为是自己第一次尝试做的，很历史性的，虽然是太甜了，算是失败品，但还是想让她（那个曾经是我有什么都想第一个告诉她跟她分享的，那个人）试试。 所以才鼓起勇气找她出来喝茶。虽然她来不到，但是这次是这大半年来她第一次reply我。也算是有开心到。

既然给不到最想给的那个人，家人又不喜欢太甜，又怕肥，就想随便找个人帮我解决掉这一碗东西。不然就要丢掉，太可惜了。。。
打了三次lulujie都没有接电话，michelle又在kl，想来想去还真的找不到人帮我。。。
最后才想到一个住最靠近我家的人，贪方便的下场就是没想到竟然还被shoot了一顿。
或许是自己表达能力有问题，因为不想人家想太多又误会，所以才开玩笑地说，假装很serious地拜托他帮我一个忙，我是真的在开玩笑，是因为我这个火星人的笑话没有人听的懂吗？还是因为我忘了放笑脸？
结果又被他老实不客气的臭骂了一顿！ $%@$#&*%@*!^#*&^#)*@^$@$!(@*#&!@)*&#!!!
我长这么大从来没有被人家这样讲过！还没有搞清楚就乱骂人！ 你真的以为我脸皮会厚到那个程度吗？
呵呵。。。真是可笑。。。
忽然才发现，原来他真的连一点最基本的风度也没有，原来之前是我把他想象得太好，是幻觉还是错觉啊？

当时真的被气到很火滚。。。
一口气吞不下，很想跟他讲清楚，因为我最最最讨厌被冤枉！但是我知道解释一大堆也没用，他最厉害就是回你一句：如果你不在意的话根本不需要解释。当场可以气死人。
当你无端端被骂，本意其实不坏，却被误会臭骂，看你还可以那么潇洒吗？
算了。那口气被我硬生生吞下去，不解释就不解释。

幸好到最后都找到好心人收留我的banoffee。真的感动到~~~
不然都最后可能真的要丢掉。。。
谢谢你，Sabrina。^^

Looking back, and moving forward

hello bloggie! so long didnt update blog.
actually i am afraid to open it, because it is filled with my precious memories, good and bad.
looking back at the good times that we have had together is a cruelty, because it hurts so much to think that we might not have the chance to go bk again. those are really beautiful memories that really means alot to me.
and looking back at the emo posts just reminds me and brings back all the emo feelings.
despite this, sometimes i still do curi-curi look back.(and then emo...stupid me)
no matter how hurtful it was, they are still my memories. memories means everything for a cancer. they are part of me. 'regrets and mistakes, they are memories made~'
i do believe that, it is ur past that makes u who u are today.
yes, i have changed. but i wouldnt say i have grow up. because there is still a lot for me to learn.

so many things happened.
was really busy preparing for my finals and at the same time enjoy every minute of being a student. everyone knew that study life is always better than working life.
i still remember that during orientation when i was still in 1st year, our senior told us, 'study hard and play hard!'. and yes, this is the advice i would give to any juniors too! haha!
i really couldnt believe that i made it. now i am graduated from a 5-year course named Bachelor of Dental Surgery. who would have thought a noobie like me could make it this far? i have always admire our seniors, looking at them graduating makes me wonder, they are so geng, can i really do this too? and now, ta-da!!! i am really happy and proud of it! =D

of course, i would not have come this far without the help and support of some very important person!
my family and friends who have always supported me, a big thank you to all of u! <3

actually i was really depressed during that exam period, but there was one person who never give up on me, even when i have already giving up. she is the one who gave me support, motivation, and do all she can to help me to get through all that. she created a 'heaven' for me when i was feeling like in 'hell'. she invited me to the most lovely room with all her collections of textbooks.
THE BEST PART of having an exam is, having someone to always be there for u, to work hard and fight together! stress together, panic together, eat together, release stress and laugh together. creating memories together.
seriously, without her, i wouldnt have managed to pull myself together when i was falling apart. i am not an organized person. i do not study according to any plan, usually i jz follow my mood, if i feel like reading this subject and this chapter, i ll just read it. there was no plan at all. but this girl, she is the one who plans everything and allocate a time period for each subject. i was really lucky to know her and followed her plan. haha! at least we didnt feel so lost. because, the scope was really too wide, or i should say, there is no boundary or scope, we just need to know EVERYTHING because ANYTHING can come out for exam. 大海捞针！(and the stupid bleaching came out again!!! which i totally didnt read at all. arghhh! >.<)

anyway, glad that we all passed. the whole batch 4 graduated as ONE (our wish written on Kong Ming Deng for all these years has came true).
5 years of studies, lectures, lab sessions, and clinics (and the most stressful clinic quotas)
pass 14 examinations and 23 subjects.
YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

and so, that's it about my study life.
now i am in another phase of life, which is called the 'Pig phase'.
now my life is all about eat and sleep and tv. aimless and pointless, yes i know. but this is the only time in life that i can do anything i like, no stress, no commitments, no work. just lazying around. sometimes i even lazy to go out of the house.
woo hoo~! i am enjoying it! eventhough sometimes it is quite boring too. but who cares?
i bet when i started working, i cant have this kind of lifestyle anymore.
so now must fully appreciate and enjoy this piggy life! hahaha!

oh ya. another thing. i hv always dreamed to go to europe and uk! and my dream did came true!
i am truly blessed, i know. =)
perhaps i should post about it another time? haha.

p/s: keep thinking whether i should open another blog, since i am in another different phase of life, and i feel like starting everything new. i want to start everything new and fresh. and truly be myself. and not being bounded by my past. maybe i will...one day...(if i am not lazy la) hahahaha! ^^

sick AGAIN???!!!

i started to think maybe there is something wrong with my body. especially my immune system.
whyyyyyyy am i always falling sick??? trust me, i asked myself this questions N times already.
everything was just fine and then suddenly one day i woke up with a sore throat and bad fever that just didnt want to leave me... was trying to avoid eating panadol, and i was so naive to think that the fever will go off by itself... it proved to me that the fever love me so much that it refused to leave me alone. =(
i was supposed to study and prepare for pedo assignments, but bcz of this fever, i spent the whole day doing nothing. and still it didnt get better.
the next day i felt worse! sooooooo reluctant to wake up and go clinic but i just couldnt afford to miss anymore clinic session. this is the fate of a dentistry final year student. as long as u still can walk to clinic and ur hands can still move, u will still force urself to go clinic no matter what or how u are feeling.
went to ortho clinic with fever and feeling so bad that i don think my brain is working.
my friend told me, when she pass by me, she can feel my heat. i was like, r u serious? reli got so kua zhang? lol...
once everythg is finished, i thk i fainted on my bed. until 10pm. which means i even missed my dinner.
well, look at the bright side, this sick is just at the right time for me to lose some weight just b4 CNY~!
no apetite to eat. but still i swallowed some breads to avoid having gastric pain.

whenever i am sick, my feelings are being magnified. my EQ is low because i dont have extra energy to control my emotion, i was too tired even to put on a smile on my face.
on the other hand, i am easily touched by small little thing when i am sick.
it feels great when u know someone does care about you....
Jocelyn, keep persuading me to go and see doctor even when i keep saying i am too lazy to go, and it will be so ma fan. but she insisted i should go. hahaha! thx! and i did go to see the doctor but he jz gv me vitamins and panadol bcz he say antibiotic wouldnt work bcz i am having the viral infection... =.=
Lesley, offer to bring me out to eat porridge bcz she knew i am sick and cafe food is no way near healthy food's definition.
Sabrina, kp ask me if i got eat panadol or not, when i say i did, she ask how many did i take. when i said one, she was like, u r not a child anymore lah, eat 2 lah...
hahaha!
suddenly i feel like i got alot of Mama out there... hahaha!
thanks for everyone who cared for me. even a simple 'take care, rest well' means alot to me.
all these bring warmth to my heart.
i dont like falling sick, but i have to admit that i LOVE the feeling of being cared and being taken care of.

still wondering around

finally, i get my internet back! i am glad i survived one whole week of life without internet.

there's been a long while since the last time i blogged.

alot of things going on lately. 

i was so busy with exams, Yiyi's wedding and post exam relaxing therapy.

when preparing for exam, i realized my brain was empty. how am i going to graduate with this little knowledge inside this small little brain? i was scared. and i felt hopeless.

there is few months left before my finals. hopefully during this few months, i ll absorb much more useful knowledge, that will enable me to become a good dentist. *finger crossed.

only few months left, i really need to work hard from now onwards. really need to stay focused! 

on the other hand, i started to enjoy my life now.

there's only few more months before my life as a student ends.

now i have all the freedom to do things that i like. 

for example, a small random getaway trip to penang, decided right after we have our dinner. and there u go, the next thing we know, we were on the highway to the penang shopping mall. it was so random and spontaneous, and u were right, this is what i ll remember. a spontaneous trip, not the ones that we plan so hard and trying to make it great.

yes, i admit sometimes i feel bored and lonely. but actually, i enjoy spending time with myself too.

while i am eating or walking alone, actually i am listening to my own thoughts, like there is a voice inside my head talking to myself. this voice gives me positive energy and strength to keep myself going on, despite all these depressions. i need to be strong enough because i've learned that, the only one u can really depend on, is yourself. 

i know i've changed. i know there's no one to protect u, but yourself. 

i have never really know what i wanted. but at least, for now, i know what i do not want for myself.

i need to feel comfortable, sometimes i feel most comfortable when i am alone.

when it comes to friendship, i need to feel comfortable with you. i need to feel that, i can truly be myself in front of you. because we are friends.

那就這樣吧

不要哭了嗎　該哭的人是我吧
妳都坦白愛上了他　我有什麼辦法
我也同意啦　既然妳提出想法　
我們不要拖拖拉拉　就從明天開始吧

那就這樣吧　再愛都曲終人散啦
那就分手吧　再愛都無須掙扎
不要再問我　怎捨得拱手讓他
妳走吧　到了記得要給我通電話

那就這樣吧　再愛都要Sayonara
再給抱一下　聞一聞妳的長髮
不要再哭啦　快把眼淚擦一擦
這樣吧　再愛我　有緣的話

快去把東西收拾一下　再耗下去都天亮啦
這裡的鑰匙妳先留著吧　怕妳有東西　假如妳有東西忘了拿

Nic，生日快乐！

张艺均/君，23岁生日快乐！
多久没有听到人家叫你的华语名了？
哈哈！
算起来，从小学到现在，不知不觉，我们认识酱久了~
还记得，我们曾经一起参加国语笔试。
我还记得你以前的发型~
老实说，小学时期的东西我都不太记得了。。。
还记得你小学时候的样子，算是很难得了。
哈哈！

时间真的过的很快，
转眼间，你们一个两个都大学毕业了。开始进入社会做工了。
虽然我知道你最近辞职了。
我知道，你对未来感到有点迷茫。
总是需要面对很多人生中的选择题。
常常要考虑很多，左思右想，该转左还是转右？
其实每条路，都有好有坏。
总之，照着自己的心走，我相信，总有一天会找到属于自己的康庄大道的！
每条路都会看到不一样的风景，
重要的是找到一条自己走到舒服的路，适合自己一直走下去的路~
不要给自己太多压力。
人生，就是要享受的~！
慢慢来~ steady bah~ 就当趁机休息，充好电了，看到好的机会，再尽力冲刺~！
加油！
我知道你一定可以的！^^

改次你遇到被逼作选择的时候，可以回来看看这篇blog，希望能起到一点作用吧~


最后，欢迎你加入23俱乐部，成为我们的会员~！XD

我，变得一点都不像我

其实，一直很想写一篇关于你的。
有人问我，为什么不写？
我也不知道，可是就是写不出，也不知道该写些什么才好。

我真的不知道，为什么在你面前，
我变得一点都不像我！
有时候连我自己都会被自己吓一跳！
不要问我为什么会这样，因为我比你更想知道为什么！
你总是有办法把我最坏的那一面逼出来。
我也觉得我在你面前，讲话很欠扁，很野蛮，很无理取闹，很不可理喻。
超级情绪化！！！

你是第一个让我有这些反应的人。
有人说，可能是因为你让我不知不觉放下了心里的防卫吧。

可是，为什么会这样？
回头想想，你也没有为了我做过什么令人感动的东西吧？

所以，我把一切归咎于，习惯。
是你让我习惯了每一天有你的存在。
没想到你却一声不响地搞失踪几天。
只能说，‘习惯’是很恐怖的。
就很像吃饭冲凉一样，变成是日常生活的一部分。
一旦没有做到，就感觉浑身不自在。
试想，如果叫你两天不吃饭不冲凉，你会怎样？

对不起。我也知道我骂你骂到很够力。
哈哈！
算你厉害吧，能把一个从来不会骂人的人搞成这副泼妇的模样。

算了。
我们都需要时间冷静。

对，我不应该对你有那些期待的。
放心，我不会再像白痴一样等你找我了。
我有我自己的生活，有很多东西等着我去做。

邱玉欣，是时候学聪明一点了。

良师益友

在我心情跌到谷底的时候，

你，突然pop出来，

简单的问候，

然后就像以前一样，告诉我你的考试的经过。

一开始只是在fb chat，

忽然，电话响了，看到来电显示上，写着你的名字。

我又惊又喜，

有一点不敢相信这是真的，

曾经以为，那么久没联络了，你应该不会再找我了吧。

愣了一会儿，才懂得按下‘接听’。

然后，你像往常一样，像开着的水龙头，噼里啪啦地说个不停。

你细细地告诉我，你在这次考试里犯下的那些stupid mistakes，

我很不客气很不给脸地笑了。。。

笑得很夸张，简直就是抱着肚子笑的那种。。。

天知道我多久没笑得那么开心了。

对不起啦。不是故意要笑你的。我知道你很难过为什么自己会犯下那些错误。

不过，都已经过去了，何必再因为一些不能改变的事实而搞得自己不开心呢？

更让我感到开心的是，你故意考我，我随便答，却被我答对了。

patient问：可是我明天早上没有空，不能来了。

这时候应该怎么办？

我：明天早上不能，就后天早上咯。。。

没想到当时的你却答，那么你明天下午来吧 。

哈哈哈！你明明知道要给patient morning appointment的啊。。。

examiner和patient都在旁边偷笑。。。

哈哈哈哈哈哈哈！我一想到那个场面就很想笑！

一起聊了20分钟后，电话忽然断了。

我就知道一定是你credit用完了。

拜托，你电话为什么总是那么少credit的？

另一方面，却令我很感动。

明知道电话没什么credit，却愿意拨电话给我。

你也知道我不会只是说两句就挂断电话的那种！

每一次我们都可以煲上整个小时的电话粥~

你愿意把自己所有的credit用来跟我讲话，这种被重视的感觉，很棒！

我不禁想起，

曾经，你为了跟我讲电话，三更半夜一个人走去附近的店买reload card。

曾经，我们还同班的时候，有一次，派考卷，我考得很不好！当时我心情也是很烂，你却提议我们还有teo一起下centre 吃icecream~ 结果，原本跌倒谷底的心情，顿时冲上云霄~ 原本最烂的一天，变成最开心的一天。。。我还记得我把雪糕吃的一塌糊涂，惨不忍睹，被你们笑！哈哈哈！

曾经，你在最失意的时候，你找我。

我不管你是不是在利用我，但是，你的却让我觉得自己很重要，很有用。

我想，我就是很喜欢那种被需要的感觉吧。

至少你愿意跟我分享，就证明你是真的有把我当真心的朋友~！

他们都说，我对你太好了。

没办法，谁叫我是那种，别人对我好一点，我就会十倍对回他好的。

我不会去计较。

或许你那时候真的是在利用我吧，但是，至少你让我觉得被需要，你让我觉得自己不是一无是处的，你让我肯定了自己的价值。

朋友，本来就是应该互相帮助，互相分享的，不是吗？=)

我很喜欢我们这样的友谊！

你总是不断激励着我，

看到你那么努力读书，而且你很喜欢时不时考考我，问一大堆有关课业的问题。

当我答对的时候，那种成就感，真的是两个字来形容：很爽！

尤其是当我知道你所不知道的答案的时候，那感觉：超级爽！

哈哈哈哈！

很想回到A Level的时候，

那些年，我们一起做passyear的时候~ 

我相信，如果我们现在还是同一班的话，我的成绩应该不止是这样吧！

你，不断激励我的斗志。因为我很不喜欢在你面前什么都不会，像白痴一样。

哈哈！

放心啦，你那么努力，一定能pass，顺利进yr 5 的！

等你的好消息咯~  =D

honeymoon week at Oral Surgery

this is the shortest 1 week ever! (of coz, excluding those 1 week holiday, which in just a blink of eyes, i need to leave home again).

our group 5.2 had posting in Oral Surgery department for one week.

i never thought i would like it...

but yes, i really do.

proud to say, i enjoyed every minute spent there!

Day 1, the doctor demonstrated how to do extraction.

i was shocked. honestly. all i could see is blood keep coming out from the gums, the socket... and everything was a live show. the blood is real. i felt it was more horrible than The Expandables 2. lol! after watching it, i doubt, oh goshh... am i really able to do all this??? 

for those of you who never watch tooth extraction before, please go! because after watching it, u wont have the courage to go for an extraction of your own tooth. haha! which then motivates you to keep your teeth clean and healthy~! to prevent such thg from happening to yourself. 

Day 2, under the doctor's supervision, i have done tooth extraction for the 1st time in my life!!! it was 17(upper right 2nd molar). the tooth was so strong and firm! i struggled for few minutes giving those push and pull movement(traction), rotation, (in the same time worrying that the bone/tooth might fracture anytime) and then, i wont forget that awesome moment when i heard the sound 'claarrrk' and the tooth is finally out from the socket! oh yeahhhh!!! that feeling is indescribable! it was a mixture of happiness, relief, excitement and the joy of an achievement! =)

and my second case was extraction of 2 root stumps(14, 15). root stump means the tooth was grossly decayed and the coronal tooth structure is missing, only the roots are left inside the gum. 

at first i tried to use forceps, but then it fractures the root even more. so i tried with elevator (coupland elevator). to my surprise, the root was easily elevated from the socket~!

phewwww~~~ thank god!

wednesday morning, we had a session to recall back our CPR technique. (ren gong hu xi)

it is not easy at all!!! have to press correct position, do the steps correctly in the shortest time, hv to really press HARD and FAST! at rate of 100 compressions per minute! somemore while pressing, have to count 1,2,3... count out loud. 30 compressions and 2 breaths. this is considered 1 cycle and we need to complete 5 cycles!

u cant believe it, it is extremely exhausting! there comes a point in life where u will have problem counting from 1 to 10. seriously~! no kidding. and u wouldnt remember this is the 3rd or 4th cycle already...

and as we were saying, by the time we finish the 5 cycles, we are the one needing the CPR from others already. it was really THAT tiring!

but it is really satisfying when u know u are able to do it!

consider it as a bonus for studying dentistry~ get to learn such life-saving skill which can be useful in critical situation! u might be able to save a life! 

day 4, get to watch live demonstration, surgical removal of wisdom tooth!

see how the doctor cut the flap, retract it with retractor, and cut the bone, and the remove the tooth out!

and finally suturing is done...

day 5,  get to do extraction of 37 and 45(root stump). 

in total, gave 2 inferior alveolar nerve block injection! and did 1 suture~ really cant believe i can actually do all these! 

and mostly importantly, all my patients didnt think it was painful at all... 

really glad to know that they were not traumatized by newbie and noob ppl like me! 

after everything, i will ask, how do u feel? any pain?

and i wont forget that awesome moment when they smile and say, no, no pain, it was all ok. =)

throughout the week, i really learnt alot! and i really enjoyed it!

love the feeling of satisfaction! to be able to do a traumatic procedure atraumatically. 

i found happiness when the patient is happy with what I've done~

and the doctors are so nice~ really thank them for so much patience, and for bearing with my stupidity. 

this is the only place where u can see the real surgeon, doctor helping students like me to adjust the chair, adjust the light. no words can represent my appreciation to them. <3 

finally, i feel like, i am not someone useless anymore!

i can actually do something, and help someone. 

i can actually make a difference, create an impact on someone else. 

and someone will appreciate it when i help them to get rid of their problematic teeth.

finally, i dont feel like a wasted space! ^^

You Vs. Feelings

Everything was just fine. You were content in every sense of the word. Then one day there was a knock
at the door and it was your old friend, Feelings. For many of us, we’ve been avoiding Feelings like the plague. We say, “What are you doing here? I haven’t been responding to your calls or texts for a reason.” But Feelings just wants to hang out, spend a little time – do some catching up. It sounds like a dreadful idea. You know how this ended last time. It’s not that you don’t enjoy Feelings’ presence. It has more to do with the fact that Feelings always brings an uninvited guest.

You cave, allowing Feelings to come in. You’ll do a lot of reminiscing. Recalling happy times from the past, debating why you stopped being such good friends. You both know why, but you’ll dodge that discussion to avoid spoiling the positive environment you and Feelings are currently in.

In typical fashion, Feelings invited a friend. That friend’s name is Hope. Hope brought a suitcase upon arrival. That suitcase held a few clothes and some grooming products – only enough for a short stay. At least that’s how it typically works. You’re fully prepared for Hope to be in and out of your home in a timely manner, because that’s the common procedure.

You’re a cautious person, but by spending time with Feelings you’ve slightly changed your thinking. Feelings’ friend Hope needs shelter, and you volunteered your home as a temporary haven. That gesture is powerful. By willingly welcoming Feelings into your humble abode, you’ve altered the entire atmosphere in ways that aren’t immediately recognizable or physically visible. You don’t normally enjoy this. You’ve got a security system installed because you don’t trust people in your home. It staves off thieves who try to steal your belongings for a quick fix. You don’t like people being in your home at all – much less luggage-toting strangers named Hope. In the past you’ve enforced t no company rule. This goes against everything you’re comfortable with, but Feelings is persuasive, so you make an exception for Hope.


Things are going surprisingly nice. You’re thoroughly enjoying having Hope around. Feelings tells you, “See, I told you Hope was amazing — you never listen to me!” Feelings will convey all of Hope’s great qualities to you, omitting the bad. Feelings ignores initial red flags and gut instincts, because right now you like Hope, and that’s all that really matters.

You and Hope snuggle on the couch talking about life. Talking about future plans. Telling stories about your teenage stupidity. Talking about guilty pleasures, embarrassing memories and your favorite pizza toppings. Talking about everything, and nothing at all.

You’re growing uncomfortably comfortable with Hope around. The typically irritating habits Hope has aren’t annoying you in the slightest. Why does Hope have to be so flawless and continuously prove Feelings right?

You’re falling. Falling dangerously deep. The lower you get, the darker it should be – but Hope is shining bright, lighting everything up along the way. Because it’s lit up, you’re able to see things you never have in the past. Lower and lower you sink, discovering brand new territories. It’s beautiful down there.

Feelings tells you to completely relax. To fall. To quit wildly grabbing for something to hang on to, and completely let yourself go. You fall and uncontrollably until finally, you land. Hope has caught you. After a lengthy plummet, you’ve found stability. It’s indescribable really. It’s as if Hope has placed you on a solid surface — yet it also feels like your walking amongst the clouds. Feelings tells you that this is what you’ve always wanted – and for all you know, it truly is.

Time goes by and as content as you were alone, you’re twice as joyful and comfortable with Hope and Feelings around. It’s pure happiness. Feelings raises expectations regularly, and Hope continuously exceeds them. How were you able to function before? It was so lonely without company. That’s not how life is meant to be, isolated and closed off. We’re supposed to share it. We’re supposed to invite Feelings over and fall until Hope catches us.

Then you wake up one morning. It may be sudden and unforeseen, or it may have been a long time coming — but Hope is gone. Hope is nowhere to be found. If this is happened before, you know the type of pain you’re about to encounter. If it hasn’t, you’re in for a miserable experience. You’ve been abandoned. You search, and maybe even try to get a hold of Hope, but it’s clear that for now, Hope is gone. You place the blame on Feelings. You didn’t ask for this, Feelings forced it on you. Feelings badgered you until you welcomed Hope, trusted Hope, loved Hope. Now Feelings has completely lost all creditability and trust.

Life appears miserable. It’s just you and Feelings living in your home. You’ve upgraded the security, installing the most protective package available. Feelings has fallen ill and there seems to be no remedy. This sluggish, hopeless version of you is in no condition to nurse Feelings back to health. This is one of the lowest lows. Unfortunately this fall is not beautiful when lit and it doesn’t feel like the clouds.

Feelings’ health begins to improve, but this stay must come to an end. You can’t see Feelings everyday, it’s a constant reminder of Hope, and you don’t want that. The only way to erase the memory of Hope and move forward is to evict Feelings and start fresh. You’re alone again. But it’s secure, and that’s comfortable. The days are monotonous, the nights are lonely, but the wounds are healing. Every once in a while a thief attempts to break in, but your security system works wonders.

You sit on the couch. You watch one of your guilty pleasure movies and order a pizza with your favorite toppings. This life isn’t glee, but it isn’t gloom either — and maybe that’s all we can ask for. Days. Weeks. Months go by. You’re stronger but you don’t realize it until later. You reflect a lot and feel a great sense of pride in managing to survive being deserted. When you fall deep for Hope and get left at the bottom, you have to pull yourself and the limp body of Feelings all the way back up. Why would you ever want to drop down there again? This is safe. Safe is content. Content is better than miserable. You’re going to be impervious to heartache. You’ll be unbreakable in the future. This will never happen aga–

There’s a knock at the door. You sit for a few moments, hoping that they’ll go away. They ring the doorbell. You remain quiet. More knocks. They aren’t going anywhere, so you tip toe cautiously toward the door, leaning in to take a look through the peephole. It’s Feelings. With multiple pieces of luggage, and a gorgeous friend. 

You Make Me Happy(this site)

Paid Distribution

The Very First Kiss(Goodnet)

30 Things You Should Do Right Now(this site)

5 Things Amanda Bynes Should Be Doing Besides Driving A Car(this site)

Paid Distribution

6 signs that you're seriously stressed out(Mother Natad more at http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/you-vs-feelings/#gVQUVsH9LdAgG71g.9

9

稻草人

我的雙腳陷進愛中
等了已好久好久
你的手從指間經過
只能碰卻不能握

心裡好多話對你說
你卻看著我沉默
這樣的相愛那兒有錯
命運也難說服我

我不是個稻草人
不能動不能說
已把愛緊緊綁心中

我不是個稻草人
沒人愛沒人懂
再難再瘋我要結果

我不是個稻草人
看月亮看日落
就等你給我一雙手

我不是個稻草人
不做夢不還手
別用淚水逼我放手

就算全世界都笑我
愛個人誰敢說錯
就算全世界都怪我
我只要你跟我走

原来，暴风雨过后，是真的看得见那道彩虹~

这一次的‘年终’假期，过得和之前很不一样。

之前的，我们都是一帮人出去大闹天宫，

不管是yoyo还是starbucks, 整个喝茶的地方都可以听到我们的笑声，

我们这一群，都是公认最没有仪态的siao za bo（疯婆子）。

哈哈哈！你们不要不认！

真的很想念那段日子！

照片可以拍了再拍，一个晚上就可以拍几百张照片，

回到家，还赶着upload，然后comment到有够夸张，一张照片也可以有几十个comment，notification多到快要爆炸！

不知道为什么这一次，大家对拍照好像没有多大的兴趣。。。

每次出去都只拍几张来交差。。。haih。。。

这一次，发生了令大家都很不愉快的东西。

我知道这个灾难的源头是我，

是我不小心讲错话了，

然后，我不懂怎样处理，这是我人生中的第一次，

我承认我的处理方法真的是烂透了，因为我选择了逃避。

因为我的逃避，才会有接下来的风风雨雨。

是我，让大家伤心失望。

尤其是，一个对我来说，最最最重要的那个人。

我知道我带给她的伤害和失望，那是难以想象的痛，

真的很对不起！

还有为这件事烦过的每一个人，因为我，你们也死了不少脑细胞，

想要帮我的，想要支持我的，想要帮我解决的，

我在这里跟你们说声，谢谢！

为我苦恼过，烦过，伤心过，失望过的，你们每一个，（我就不指名道姓啦）

我都要讲，对不起，我让你们失望了。

这整个假期，我都很颓废。

原本一大堆的to do list，结果到最后，什么都没有做到。

但是，也不代表整个假期被我浪费了。

整个月来，我不断的反省，自责，

终于开始动用我那颗二十三年来鲜少用到的脑袋，开始学会思考了。

当然，还要加上朋友的提点，（那常常扮演黑脸的那些人，你们说的我都有尽量听进去，没有白费你们的口水）

我觉得我真的有从这次的事件中，学到一些些。。。

是的。一直以来，我都不曾为朋友做过什么。

不要说朋友，就连家人，我都不会特别去做些什么。

我好像是永远都在享受你们为我做的一切，却不懂得怎样回报你们。

你们对我的好，我都知道，真的！

除了把对你们的感激放进心底，我也不知道可以为你们做些什么了。

我一直以为，对人好，最佳的表达方法是，陪伴。

所以，我可以整个假期，留在家里做宅女，陪陪家人，即使是简单的吃饭看电视，就已经很幸福了。

我很在乎她，所以我可以不顾电话费多贵，常常陪她一起煲电话粥，

夸张到每个人看到我这个样子都以为我在跟男朋友讲电话！痴缠到~~~ 

她的一通电话可以让我开心兴奋一整天。

她的一句，darling i miss you，可以让我对着电话傻笑一整天。

甚至，在我考试的那段期间，我连睡觉都没有时间了，

但是还是一定要跟她讲几个小时的电话，而且是每一天！每一天最期待的就是，可以听到她的声音的那个时候。

而你们这些ji mui~ 我的陪伴方式，就是尽量花时间stalk你们，

fb，blog，twitter，instagram。。。

之前我都一直去comment，因为我想让你们知道，我有在注意你们，默默在关心你们，

虽然我不能常常见到你们，但是我们的友谊，是不会因为距离就变得淡了！

但是，原来这样是不够的。

也对，比起你们为我做的，我真的不曾为你们付出过什么。。。

想想，我这个朋友做得真的很失败！

就像这一次，我真的不应该一声不响地跑去躲起来。

我是应该要站出来解释的。

只可惜我领悟得太迟了，

多希望当时的我，懂得像现在这样想，那样就不会让大家受那么重的伤了。

这个解释，是我欠下的，现在我无论如何都要想办法还，

我没有办法眼睁睁看着她背上那些罪名和污名，

我知道她根本就不是那样的人！

她是口硬心软罢了。。。

谁对我好，我很清楚。

多希望有机会大家可以摊开来讲清楚，有什么误会，至少让大家有机会解释清楚，讲清楚了，就一笔勾销吧。。。

我们都不是小气的人。万一气到自己生多几根白头发，不是很不值得吗？记仇很累的，我们会酱笨吗？

 这一次，让我学到很多东西。

人与人之间的相处，本来就是一门很深的学问。

我相信，我们都不是坏人，

会发生酱大件事，

纯粹是因为，每个人的性格，看法，解决方式，都不一样。

你觉得那样做会比较好，不代表其他人也赞同。

你觉得最好的，或许对他来说，并不是他最想要的。

同一件东西，不同的人看了，也会有不同的看法和感受。

有些人觉得是小事一件，对有些人来说，是很大件事。

只不过是大家的看法不一样，其实大家都没有错，或则说，大家都有错。

重点是，我们都不能够逼其他人照着我们的意思去做。

因为我觉得是为你好的，未必是你最需要的。

身为朋友，好朋友，我们能做的，就是把自己的意见和看法说出来，

让当事人参考，多多提点他，

最后，让他自己做决定。

我们不能帮他做决定，因为这是他的人生。路是要自己走出来的。

即使是会跌到，会受伤，至少那是他自己的选择。

我们不是上帝，我们没有权利没有资格去帮任何人选他要走的路。

我们最多能做的，就是提醒他，走这条路可能会面对的风风雨雨和路障。

然后，相信他的选择。尊重他的选择。

之后，不管他遇到什么困难，尽量在他身边支持他帮助他。

因为你不是他，你不可能会知道他真正要的是什么。

即使真的伤过痛过，就当是一次成长的过程~

迟早有一天，伤口会复原，会再振作的！

有时候，伤痕是成长的代价。

就像这一次，我也是伤得很重。

但是我知道，我真的有变得成熟一点点，也比较会为别人想了。。。

虽然我不敢保证下次再面对问题时，可以第一时间站出来承认和解决，毕竟自己的鸵鸟性格，一时三刻我也不知道改不改得掉，但是我会尽量！

希望你们还是可以接受我！我的懦弱，爱逃避，婆婆妈妈，就请你们多多包容啦~

如果万一下次遇到问题我不会解决，可以请你们多多指点吗？

毕竟在这种东西上，我还很嫩，都不懂怎样才是正确的解决方法。

但是，我知道了，万一以后我如果解决不了，我就去搬你们这些ji mui 做救兵，看你们有什么好的建议，因为你们比我会做人，比我懂人情世故。你们一定比我清楚怎样做才是比较好的。

我不会拍拍屁股就跑掉。酱没有义气。

对了，现在我终于学会了‘义气’这两个字怎么写。

所以，就让我去替你解释吧。。。这也是我现在唯一能做的了。。。

幸好，暴风雨过后，会出现彩虹~

曾经，我最emo的时候，听着firework里面有一句，after a hurricane, comes a rainbow.

那时候我以为我们的友谊已经到了绝望的地步，多希望能够看到那道彩虹，却一直告诉自己，或许我没有机会看到了。

真的是谢天谢地，现在的我，看见了那道彩虹~ 那道代表着我们之间的友谊的那道彩虹~

我相信我们之间是经得起考验的！

朋友是互相包容的~ 没有人是完美的。

重要是我们能接受和包容彼此的缺点。

这样我们的友谊才能走的更远更长久~

我会更珍惜你们这些朋友的！

十年的友情，人生有多少个十年？

世界真的小小小

真的万万没想到，会遇到你们。
是缘分？是巧合？还是上天听到我心底的愿望，悄悄地替我实现？
昨天是人生中第二次去starbucks。
不知道为什么爸爸忽然心血来潮，提议去喝starbucks。
第一次耶~ ！
我跟wenwen都兴奋得不得了！

真的没想到，全亚庇酱多间，偏偏选上你们去的那一间。
一开始我还以为我眼花，还是日有所思，开始有妄想症？
看到有人也很兴奋，笑得很灿烂地跟我打招呼，
我才敢相信这不是梦~
谢谢你那个笑，真的很感动，我不会忘记它有多灿烂，多温暖！

感动过后，心里五味俱全。
不禁想起我第一次去starbucks，就是跟你们一起去的。。。
那时候，一切都那么美好~
真的没想到，第二次去，没想到会遇到你们，竟然会是这种局面。
物是人非，就是这种感觉吧？

其实这几天我一直在想怎样才可以见你们一面？
这次回去后，应该不会酱快就回来了。要等到年尾，十一十二月吧？
真的很想很想在回去前见见你们，
想疯了，脑里竟然出现很傻很傻的idea。。。
如果我会驾车，我就会不管三七二十一踩油踩上你们的家门。。。
虽然我不知道这样做有什么意义，
就算去到了，又可以怎样？又可以做些什么？
我真的不知道。。。
心里只想着，只要能见到一眼，就算只是从gate外面，看到你们一眼，就够了。。。
我不会驾车，没关系，只要有心，我甚至已经想到要拜托某人做司机了。

但是我知道你们还不想看到我，
我不可以再酱自私，任性，不顾你们的感受。
我知道我贸贸然去的话，你们一定会不知道该怎样反应，
或许只会越弄越糟吧？
所以最终都取消了这个念头。。。
原以为，连最后一面都见不到，就要回去了。

没想到，到最后，我都还能见到你们一面！
是上天听见我心里的渴望吗？
还是我们的缘分没有那么浅？
还是我们的友谊还有一线希望？

我知道你们不想看到我，
我真的不想，因为我的出现，破坏了你们的mood，令你们想起不开心的事。
我曾经想过，一走了之算了。
但是，那样不就辜负了酱难都让我遇到你们的那些缘分？
所以到最后我都鼓起勇气去讲一声‘嗨’。
勇气，是我最缺乏的东西。。。
终于能看到那双漂亮到我无法抗拒的眼睛，天知道我有多想念它！

我真的用尽了全身的勇气了。
却也只够我讲一声嗨罢了，
勇气用完了，
我记得我很像是跑着离开的。
我知道我还是很懦弱。。。

spoil了你们的friday night，
对不起。