When the doors seem closed, is it opposition or is it God's will or could it both? In the multitude of voices and opinions, how do I tell who is friend or foe? Can I trust myself and my way of sifting through the chaos in hopes of finding what is real and true?
Looking at my mess and staring at the closed doors, I find myself second guessing and regretting. Maybe I heard Him wrong. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten such a useless degree. Maybe I should have waited. But when I look back at the altars in my life, I recall that my seemingly useless degree is a testimony of faith and of His grace. I remember that when I chose to leap, I always knew that I could fall but trusted that even if I fell it would be right into His loving arms. So just as I have trusted Him all these years, I have to trust Him now even when nothing seems to be making sense.
And perhaps, I was getting exactly what I asked for. I chose the path less travelled because I knew maturity came only through the trials and testings. So why did I expect anything less than trials and obstacles while I am walking down this path? Oh silly me. And perhaps, in the wise words of a friend, it is not just about changing a place through me, but changing me through a place. How could I have forgotten that? That He is just as interested in my heart, as He is in the hearts of those around me. That yes, He will have His inheritance. Starting with my heart.
Already, I have seen the junk in my heart being revealed in the trials of relocation. As the temperature rises, so must I dig deeper to remain in a place of peace. In times like this, there is only one place to turn to for an anchor. So while wrestling with all these in the prayer room, I flip open my bible and find myself face to face with the very words I've spent all of 2015 preaching.
Hebrews 10:36-39
You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For, “In just a little while, he who is coming will come and will not delay.” And, “But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take no pleasure in the one who shrinks back.”
But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.
James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Romans 5:3-5
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
As I meditated on His Word, it started to sink in slowly but surely. Illuminating all that is true and washing away all the lies and fears, till all that's left is a quiet assurance in my heart.
Though I may suffer a little while (be it as a consequence of my own actions or not), I know the end of the story. My heart looks towards the union and victory promised at the end of time, and the certainty of this gives me hope for my present. It is not time to shrink back and hide, but to stand and persevere. Not necessarily in sticking to the plan because His ways are mysterious and crazy. But to persevere through faith in the hope of the glory that lies ahead. This messiness will pass. So breathe, steady my heart. It is well. If not my circumstance, at least with my soul.
Though I may suffer a little while (be it as a consequence of my own actions or not), I know the end of the story. My heart looks towards the union and victory promised at the end of time, and the certainty of this gives me hope for my present. It is not time to shrink back and hide, but to stand and persevere. Not necessarily in sticking to the plan because His ways are mysterious and crazy. But to persevere through faith in the hope of the glory that lies ahead. This messiness will pass. So breathe, steady my heart. It is well. If not my circumstance, at least with my soul.