On the Edge of

Standing at the edge and staring at a formless future, fear begins to creep in. What have I done? It feels as if my body has been in possession of another all these while, and I have only just awaken to find myself in a place I don't recognize. I survey my surroundings in an attempt to regain my bearings, but all I see is an endless wasteland with signs pointing me straight ahead. Signs set up by the other self to show me the way should I wake. I do not know if I can trust this other self, but everything has been set into motion and it seems I have no choice but to leap off the edge. To leap or not to leap? I hesitate. Unwilling to jump but unable to take a step back. I stand there frozen in place.

I stood, for what must have been mere moments but felt like an eternity. Till my eyes landed on a little book lying on the ground. I pick it up and begin to read the words scribbled in my own handwriting.

28 May 2011
Well-building in the village. It's really different here. The lifestyle, the scenery, the people. It's all so different from home. You don't realize how small your world is till you travel out. I pray I remember all these. 

Deep in my heart, there is still that dream for a different life, an exciting life, with the one I love. Every year a different country, helping people, loving them, sharing with them. I feel so helpless and so far from it. But I keep it in prayer. Someday Lord, bring me there. I feel so inept now but I pray You grow me big and strong. Since I met You, I always wanted to become someone great for You. I read books and I wanted to become like them, swept by a radical kind of Christianity. I am 20 now, call me. Call me some day. Call me and my husband. Call us both. One day I will go. Until then, prepare me, let me first be fruitful with my girls in Singapore. Then call me. My heart is full. Remember liz, remember.

That's when I remembered and that's when I knew that the self that was in control right now, is not the real me. Or rather, even though it is me, but it didn't have to be in possession of me. It is the self that has lost sight of the goal and been blinded by fear. It is the self that would shrink away and disappear like darkness when the light of vision breaks in. And the light did break in as I recalled the vision of my heart when I was a youth.

It's crazy how the prayers I made in brief but powerful moments of encounter, can break into my life even in the future. I didn't know what I was doing then, but I must have been speaking life and sowing great seeds into my own spirit. That at my darkest moment, my old self can call out to me and bring me back into the light. So I've already learnt that I'm here today because of the prayers of many unseen and unknown faces that have prayed and called me forth. But it just blows my mind to know that one of the many great people who have invested into my life, is actually my young naive self that so easily believed and trusted in the Lord. Say whaaaaaaat?!

So in the midst of the hesitation and second guessing, I remember that this leap has been a long time coming. I've been waiting all my life to embark on this journey. Now isn't the time for second guessing but for celebrating His faithfulness in answering the cry of my youth. Of course, I'm aware that my expectations then were tinged with idealism but the heart cry remains the same. I'm leaping because I'm hungry for more, and to get more I need to leap. So off I go, into the unknown. Maybe this will be the best decision ever, or maybe it'll be the worst. The only way to know is to go, and hope that whatever comes, it's gonna be worth it all in the end.

Elizabeth chirped at 3:52 AM | No comments

My Heritage

They reaped not where they laboured
We reaped what they have sown
Our harvest may be garnered
By ages yet unknown

So I was walking and absorbed by my own thoughts when this hymn randomly came to mind. I started singing it, but kept getting the verses mixed up and had to google the lyrics just to get it right. As I took a moment to reflect, I was struck by how the song was celebrating the generations of labourers. It spoke about those who had gone before, my role here today and the generations to come. I am reaping what I had not sown, and even if I do not reap what I had sown, I can trust that I'm leaving something for the next generation to continue. And on and on it goes. Never ending, but growing from one generation to the next.

Before us and beside us
Still holden in Thy hand
A cloud of unseen witness
Our elder comrades stand
One family unbroken
We join with one acclaim
One heart one voice uplifting
To glorify Thy name

One family unbroken, to glorify His name. OH WOW. How could I not see this before?! How could I have sang this for 8 years of my schooling life and not have given any thought to what I was singing? And as I continued to sing it under my breath, I saw in my mind's eye, a chorus of voices singing together with me. I saw the generations who had gone before me, the ones who first sang this and I got a glimpse of the founder's heart. I saw how the vision of one woman birthed a whole school based on principles of the bible that continues even till today.

A missionary from London, so moved by compassion for the Mui Tsais she stumbled upon, that she started a school for homeless girls to be equipped with skills and instructed in the Christian faith. And I could imagine that the cry of her heart for the girls was for them to grow equally in skill and in knowledge of Christ. To be of worth, both internally and externally. And perhaps she spent many days in prayer, crying out to the Lord to raise up godly young women through the school, who would be known for charity, patience and devotion.

School Song
In these sound walls a goodly learning frame
Who here abide true kindliness impart
With steadfast love, devotion firm inflame
The fire that waits in every heart.

For charity, patience,
Devotion let's be known.
These qualities St. Margaret's shown
On which our school has grown.

We learn to serve our God, our State, our School
In service free for neighbour, home and friend
So may we keep the all embracing rule
In care for all our lives to spend

When life brings pain, when trials us defy
Our faith, our hope, our discipline require
Us to withstand respond with spirit high
St. Margaret's shall again inspire.

Will you look at that. It sounds almost burning heartsy. Keep my heart steady! haha.

And it dawned on me, that this, is my heritage.

And that it is God, in His wisdom, who intentionally gave me such a beautiful heritage.

My memory of my times in St Margaret's are beautiful. I really enjoyed my time in the school and often recall my days there with fondness. It did wonders for my self-worth at a time when we were all beginning to become our own person. No one ever told me that I couldn't do certain things just because I was a girl, and I was allowed to dream big and to find my own voice and place in the world.

I have always been grateful for that. But today, I start to recognize that perhaps the seeds of compassion and boldness I find in my heart today, were in fact sown during my times there. It wasn't just the curriculum or the school, but it was actually the prayers of the saints who had gone before and their vision for the next generation, that begin the work in my heart. It was because someone cried out to God for young women to arise, that He did it in my heart as an answer to their prayers.

Oh Gosh. It's crazy right? T.T

So even though I don't know what lies ahead, and even if I may not see get to see the fruits of my labour, I know where I come from and I know who will reap them. Not a thing will go to waste, when we're part of this one unbroken family :)

Elizabeth chirped at 4:30 AM | No comments

The Joy of the Process

It's December! Can't believe that there's only a month left till I move.

I first made the decision to move at the start of the year, so it's been a long time of waiting and preparing for the next season. There were moments when I got so bored in the waiting, that it was sheer honor to my commitments that kept me from just uprooting myself and moving right away. But looking at what God has been doing in my heart in the past months, it has become evident to me that He intentionally sets us in seasons of waiting to yield certain fruits that could only come by waiting. It has made me lean in and given me much more clarity in my thoughts as I processed them with Him.

My decision to move may have started because I was thinking about my relationship and the practical steps we should take if we our goal was marriage. However, it was my hunger for more that drove my choice. At that time, I was in a season where I was upset with the culture that I was in and the bad fruits that it has produced in me. The comfort of the culture had made me lazy, complacent and inward looking, and there was a deep cry in my heart that there had to be more than this. I wanted to grow, to become bigger and bolder, and I knew that it was only through trials and testings that I would grow. I had to put myself out there, and so I choose the path less travelled, hoping that it would make all the difference.

Part of my desire to grow, was because I loved the flock. I felt like I had said and done what I could, yet there was little change. And maybe it was me who had to change and grow, that there may be authority in my words if I did them with my life. I didn't realize it then, as I do now, that at the heart of it, what I really wanted was to be a voice that counts. A voice crying in the wilderness, to prepare the way for my Lord, to get the bride ready for His return.

It's funny how I internalize the things I've been hearing in burning hearts for more than a year, only when I'm about to leave. But that's the most amazing thing isn't it? That I was right about the need for change and challenges in order to grow. The preparation for moving has been painful, but it was giving me the growth I so badly wanted. I had thought that I needed to move before any of the growth I wanted to come. But just by setting my heart on the goal and preparing myself, I was already changing and growing.

Because it was madness to take the path less travelled, I had opportunities to share my heart and my vision with many. And because I had many such conversations, my thoughts and explanation became clearer and my voice got stronger. I was challenging people to rethink Christianity, and revealing the Father's eternal plan for His children.

The most unexpected opportunity I had, was to share with my mom. As I made time for her, and turned my heart towards her, I believe I was slowly turning her heart towards the Father. It is my prayer that some of the things she never had the opportunity to experience in her life would be found in mine, that it would help her to see and understand the crazy loving ways of God. That through my life, there may be redemption and healing for some of the wrongs she had experienced in hers.

So I'm into my final month before I go. What lies ahead? I do not know. But I trust in His love and faithfulness to take me from strength to strength through the trials and the pain. It's gonna be worth it! :)

Elizabeth chirped at 3:41 AM | No comments