The first time I did it in the prayer room, I cried from the pressure after I got off the stage. And the first time I joined the set, I kept staring at the clock and wondered why 2 hours passed so slowly. But the recent weeks have been different. It was actually enjoyable and fun to be singing. And today, time passed so fast that I wished we could do more than 2 hours.
Did my singing get any better? Actually, no. My voice was still weak and kinda funny through the speakers. And most of the time I am not able to carry the choruses that I come up with. I just have to be shameless and sing as loudly as I can into the mic and hope the others catch it and back me up soon. But somehow, in the false bravado and shamelessness, I found a slight shift and breakthrough in my understanding of my identity as a child of God. While croaking out my tune, so painstakingly crafted and so costly to my pride, I sensed a different kind of joy and freedom that came through that act of wild abandonment. It's like I squeezed my eyes shut and leapt, expecting the worst but only to find myself falling deep into His arms of love. And the image that comes to mind, is one of a Dad beaming and bursting with pride as He watches His little girl dancing so cutely on stage, even if she was completely out of sync with the rest. LOL. Crazy Papa love. Everything is beautiful and adorable when viewed through the loving eyes of the Father.
I'm suddenly reminded of my earthly father and how he used to say the most ridiculous cringe-worthy stuff to the people in church. I would be sitting with my friends in church, trying to be a cool adolescent, when my dad would walk up to me and pat/sniff my head, before proudly proclaiming "This is my daughter! She's a REAL girl!" And I would cringe and roll my eyes, because that was such a lame and duhhhh statement and it was just plain embarrassing to have your dad announce this to your friends. I used to hate it when he did this. But now, I'm starting to understand and glimpse the heart of the Father through this unabashed blatant pride and adoration my dad had for me. It didn't matter that I rolled my eyes every time and told him to stop. Out of the overflow of love in his heart, he would walk over and proclaim to anyone who would hear that I am his daughter. It wasn't because of anything I had done, but the simple fact that I am a girl and I am his. And through that act, I got a glimpse of how my Heavenly Father stands over me, proudly proclaiming to anyone who would hear, that I am His and He delights in me!
It's pretty crazy right? The extent of their love just blows me away. To know that I can be so broken and so flawed and yet still so deeply loved anyway :)
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! - 1 John 3:1