Parents & Provision

Of recent, I've come to realize that I might have a poverty spirit. It's the continual feeling of lack, like I won't have enough to do all that I have on my heart. It's not totally unfamiliar because I used to be a scrooge when I was younger. But I thought I outgrew it as I learnt about blessings through being blessed. Perhaps it's part and parcel of joining the working world and being right at the bottom of the food chain. Or more importantly, it's the loss of my dad's sound advice and constant reminder of God's faithfulness.

I like to think that I got to where I am today because of my own ability. But it's in seasons of loss and the stripping away, that I am forced to admit that it wasn't me. It was my mom's steel will and hard truths that granted me clarity of thought and gave me drive to do what was on my heart (and I also miss her chicken wings and having a clean home). It was my dad's never ending support and spiritual counsel that enabled me to pursue the desires of my heart in reverent fear of the Lord. It's no wonder navigating through this whole adult world thing is so bewildering and trying when I have to mother and father myself. I understand that for some they have been doing this for the longest time. I don't mean to sound like a pampered kid, but I'm just taking the chance to reflect on the importance and blessing of having fathers and mothers in our life and how much further they take us.

And so, left on my own to my own devices, I've become an orphan with a poverty mindset, griping about my lack and being a pessimist. Which is why I was encouraged by what Jocelyn shared during worship today from Matthew 6, about the birds of the air and the lilies of the field, and our good good Father who feeds them all.

In all honesty, it didn't really impact me when she was sharing it in service. But after waking up from my post-dinner slumber and staring at my polaroid wall while trying to lose the drowsiness, I heard a whisper. (Oh gosh, how I've missed the whispers that would come as I sat still on my bed at night!) I heard Him whisper, haven't I provided for every dream of your heart before? And it is true.

There's no logic to the things that I've experienced in my life. I'm not sure why I get to be the lucky one who gets to have the crazy stories of having the secret whispers of her heart fulfilled. Well not all of them, but I've also come to realize that those that didn't happen didn't really matter in the end. And the best tales are always the ones with some big obstacle and miraculous last-minute provision.

So really, what is there to worry about when I'm worth immeasurably more than sparrows or lilies to my heavenly Father? The poverty spirit that stems from the orphaned spirit has no hold on my life in light of the Father heart of God :)

If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied withgetting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Matthew 6:28-34 (MSG)

Elizabeth chirped at 11:20 PM | No comments

Saying Yes

I used to be pretty good at knowing my season in life. Then again, I used to be a lot of other things too. But this is one season that I can't quite figure out, most likely because I have not paused long enough to think about it. So here I am, trying to pause and return back to the simple things.

We're two-third through 2015. Looking back, it's been one of the most uneventful year in my life. I find myself still waiting for the same things to happen as when the year begin, still doing the same things. In fact while waiting, I have become more easily offended, jaded and fearful. I never meant for it to be this way, I meant to come out of my cocoon and live life as it was dreamt for me. But somehow in the routine, I had lost sight of the goal and dampened my flame.

In all honesty, it's been a really long time since I've been intentionally still before my Father and to just be. I'm running on sporadic revelation through encounters in worship, like little bursts of rain in a dry season. Isn't it amazing how He is faithful and encounters me even in those moments? Truly, there's something powerful about worship that gets me every time. But that alone is not enough. I need more than sporadic showers, I need to eat and drink daily from the river that never runs dry. My soul is craving for an intimacy that I once had but have traded away for worthless things. 

Today I went for the session with Pat Schatzline, or more famouly known as the "I'm Remnant" Ignite Conference speaker from 2 years ago. He was sharing on the unqualified, which wasn't new to me. But somewhere between his sermon and the closing prayer and the presence of the Holy Spirit, something clicked in me. I don't know how it happened, but at some point of time I stopped wanting to have His heart inside of mine. I stopped praying "break my heart for what breaks yours". Perhaps it was too painful, too tiring, too vulnerable to get a glimpse of the brokenness of the human heart and the magnitude of His love that He's longing to pour into it. I wanted the joy, the supernatural, the results but without all the brokenness and pain it comes through. And therein lies my error. I've always known but somehow forgotten, that theres beauty in brokenness and strength in weakness.

So I mustered all the courage I had in me and with all the will that I had, I said Father, I allow and invite you to come and break my heart for what breaks yours again. Just like how you broke it through books and stories and strange ways, break it again. I don't know what that would mean, what big blocks I would face in the future that threaten to stumble and all but snuff out my fire. But if I ain't wholly yours, this life just isn't worth living. 

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.  So death is at work in us, but life in you.

- 2 Corinthians 4:7

Elizabeth chirped at 2:17 AM | No comments

Randoms

Have I given all that I have? I always wish I could give more, but I would like to think that within the constraints of my giftings and revelation of Him, I have actually given all that I could give.

It feels like I haven't been in leadership for long, because 'long' would mean like how the '80s kids did it. But tonight I did the math, and realized that I've been here for 4 going on 5 years. 4 years in the life of a youth is actually quite significant. It's no wonder that I know how to run things the way I do now.

So have I actually given what I could? It sure feels like I have, even if I may think otherwise. 

To a certain extent, it can be said that of those who are left, I've had the longest continuous streak of yes in my heart.

I have loved the youth ministry, even before I became a youth. Because of what I've seen my brothers experienced, I wanted to be in youth ministry even before I was 13. Which was why when the rest of my batch were debating whether they should join the youth ministry, I had already said yes. And I guess this was pretty much the pattern for most of my life in youth ministry. Being the first to say yes to baptism, saying yes to the extra meetings, to joining the worship team, to mission, and the list goes on. Through the different seasons we've endured, I have stayed on with that yes in my heart. Even when my heart was distant or broken, my will said yes and I've always been there. 

I'm no brilliant preacher or teacher or anything else for that matter. But I've said yes in the ways that I believed in and in the ways that I could, and I guess that has got to count. Dear God, please let that count.

Cos I'm done. I've come undone. I'm letting go of that which I used to hold so dear, leaping off into the unknown and falling into You. 

Elizabeth chirped at 2:08 AM | No comments