For Moments like these

I know I am immensely loved by God. But most of the time, it's hard to comprehend it, let alone live like I am. The funny thing is, when it comes to praying for others, suddenly I just get it. My prayers are often long and repetitive and go all over the place (as it is with anything I say really), but that's because there's a love bubbling inside of me and my words are just inadequate to describe it. It's like, I stand there, half trying not to panic because I'm expected to pray for this person and I have no idea what to say or what I'm doing, and God's just like, I AM SO IN LOVE THIS PERSON! and gives you a tiny glimpse of it. And it's hard to not just stand there and cry, moved by the love God has for that person. Because at the moment, nothing that person has ever done or said or thought about himself matters in the face of such an immense love. And so bleahhhh the words just come tumbling out in a mess.

With that comes the realization that hey, that's how He feels about me too! How He sees this person is how He see me too! And just like that,*DING!* a fresh revelation of His love for me. 

I guess they weren't kidding when they said it's more blessed to give than to receive. When you get past the obligations, the cost, the effort and will needed to keep going, to keep serving, you come to realize that it's not just about the others but it's about me as well. That He's interested in MY heart, in MY life. That I'm not just a worker, I'm co-heirs with Christ. This is a kingdom He's building, and that includes me. 

Elizabeth chirped at 12:52 AM | No comments

Awkward First

A small personal victory today. It's small, and it's well, just another day. But I hope someday in the future when I look back at today, it will be seen as a defining moment.

When it comes to the salvation of others, I honestly don't have much faith. It just never happened before so it feels like it will never happen. I've only ever brought 2 friends to church before, and it was so scary and so tough. And nothing happened. Nothing ever happens. Life goes on. It happens in other cells, but never mine. I'm barren. And maybe like a curse, I spread the barrenness to my cell. So at the start of this year, I told God honestly that I had no faith. I want to believe, but I can't. So help me. 

We decided to have cell based activities for Good Friday this year. Everyone's been pretty busy or somewhat aloof lately, so I half expected there to be only 1 or 2 new faces max. Since the preachers are busy, and since I'm not expecting many people anyway, so alright, I'll do the sharing if it's needed. But but, just a few days ago we did a friends tally and it came to 7 and I was like.. whhhat? Cue major panic. I mean, I know how tough it is to get friends to come. Since my cell have mustered the courage and taken the effort to successfully invite their friends, the least I could do is at least share well on my part right? I don't want them to feel embarrassed for the awkwardness when their friends come.

I said, God I can't. I don't know how to do this. I've never done this. I'm not the kind of person who can do this well. But somehow I need to do this. But it's not about me anyway right? But I still can't. So You do it. If I had just 20 seconds of insane courage, or maybe 10 minutes of it since I need to talk for awhile, but ya give me a short burst of insane courage and maybe I'll finally open my mouth. Because, I have totally never ever blatantly talk about Jesus and sin and whatnot to a non-christian before ever. Helpppp. 

So, during our somewhat awkward worship session at the BBQ, guess what? My hands started tingly (sometimes, when the Spirit is moving strongly, I get pins and needles in my hands and face). Oooh, seems like someone is here with us! And so I opened my mouth to share, and everything came out wrong. It was awkward, it wasn't well explained, it was messy. And in my desperation to make something count and armed with my 10 seconds of insane courage, I anyhow whack a half-baked salvation/altar call/idkwhat. Guess what? 3 people raised their hands sort of ish. And later when I checked, I think they didn't really get what I was trying to say. LOL.

 

I don't really know what happened tonight. It feels like something sort of did, but not really. But it's a first. It's a start. By finally sharing, I guess it's the first step to overcoming my unbelief if nothing else. 

Elizabeth chirped at 1:38 AM | No comments

Scandal of Grace

So, in my final semester of university life, I got my first 'A' ever for an essay assignment. Not an A- but a solid A. And this was one of those assignments I wrote through the night without sleeping and where I kinda just start stringing random sentences together towards the end because I'm so desperate to just get it done and over with. The most ridiculous part was when my prof started explaining what she was looking for in her grading, and my paper still didn't sound anything like what she wanted. Getting an A should be a happy occasion, but I just felt guilty and apologetic to classmates who wrote better and deserved the grade so much more than me. My first and last A ever in uni, and it was a complete fluke. 

And then I thought,

that sounds a lot like

Grace.

Undeserving, unmerited favour. How can such a crappy rotten heart like mine get slapped on with a label that says "A grade, top-notch". Surely such a label only belong to the Mother Theresas, the Martin Luthers. The ones who spent their lives for others, the ones who loved greatly. I'm not one of those, I love myself, I'm selfish and lazy and I wouldn't go out of my way for others. But He goes, no, this heart is mine, this heart is pure and righteous. It's like someone pulled the wool over His eyes, and He became a mad, irrational and lovesick King who looked at an ugly deformed witch and called her beautiful. And to the horror and scandal of the court, He declared that He'll make her his bride. It's MADNESS (and a prime setting for a villain in a fairytale). The scariest part is that it's TRUE!

No wonder they call it scandal of grace.

Thank you for your great and insane love (and for the A!) 

Elizabeth chirped at 12:58 AM | No comments