Aging into a New Season

Another year older, but it's been unlike any year before.

It's crazy to see how much has changed since my last birthday. This time last year, we were still wondering if it was even possible that youth ministry could be led by a team, let alone by such a young and untried bunch of us. But we rose to the challenge, put our hands to the plough, and then.. I got burnt out. I was anxious about the future, spiritually dry and tried to find some measure of comfort and relief in the fictitious world of dramas and movies. I was responsible, but my heart was so dry.

Then graduation happened, and I was entering a whole new season but I didn't know it. He brought me to Burn Internship, where He breathed life into my stony heart by lavishing His love on me. There was a new strength in my spirit and fire burning in my heart. It was wonderful, I was full, but I was still untried and tested. 

So next came the waiting. Learning to accept that I am in process, and that's exactly how He designed it and where He wants to be. Learning that He doesn't just gives the answers, because He's more interested in teaching me to lean in to Him. And learning to embrace and delight in the unknown, because that's where His strength and might is displayed and where I get to mature in Him. 

Then came the testing. Having to talk into the mic, having to preach for the first time ever in Malaysia and then in youth service. I should have dodged the arrows or try to cruise my way through as I've always done before. But, I wanted more of Him, I wanted to grow and He was in the unknown. So I squeezed my eyes shut and leapt into the unknown, with surprising results. He had indeed put a new strength in my heart, and it was so satisfying to see that.. I have grown :)

And just before my birthday, He finally ended my year long and extremely frustrating search for a job, and He did so in a pretty cool fashion. It's starting to become a thing, where I'm left wandering anxiously for awhile in between phases of life, before He suddenly stirs my heart with a crazy dream. I didn't know really know what I wanted to do, so many doors were closed and I couldn't find it in me to settle for something that doesn't stir my heart. Then came one moment in the prayer room after a frustrating day spent job hunting, where He washed me over with His presence and His love so strongly, and told me to be still and wait. 2 days later I saw a job ad that stirred something within me and applied for it. It's pretty crazy how everything in me was saying "yes!" during the interview. And tada! 1 week later, I got the job and it's something I'm actually looking forward to!

It's really crazy how much things have changed, and I'm super excited that it's no longer a "wait first, complete your study" kind of season but I'm finally embarking on my first tiny step towards the wild hazy dream in my heart! There's gonna be all sorts of trials and testings, but it's gonna be PURE JOY because it's gonna lead me to maturity and completion! WOOHOO!

He's faithful and passionate and wild and awesome and I love Him very much! :D

Elizabeth chirped at 2:00 AM | No comments

10 Years & Counting

This day, 10 years back, I stood at a BBQ pit with a microphone in my hand and talked about my Love. I don't really remember what I said. There probably wasn't much to say. My story was simple. A guest speaker came for service, I responded to the altar call and he gave me a word of knowledge. God seemed real and cared about what's going on in my life, so I decided to follow Him.

Today, if you gave me a microphone and asked me to talk about my Love, I don't think I possess the necessary vocabulary to describe how great His love for me is. So much have happened in these 10 years. There've been great joys, great pains and a whole lot of confusion. And even as I sat here reminiscing on our crazy journey together, I felt a fresh wave of His Love washing over me.

10 years and still standing. What kept me going? I don't really know. It's not that I am strong or faithful. But in those moments when I was barely holding on, He was holding onto me with His strong love. When I ran away, He pursued me. When I stopped and turned, He was the one who covered the distance between us and ran to embrace me. When I couldn't love myself, He loved me with His all.

He's so good. His love is so high, so deep, so wide, so long. I can't get enough. It compels a response. And I can respond because He loved me first, and it never ends. He's worthy and holy and majestic, and He can only love in the same way that He is - holy, strong, divine, grand and intense. So I keep going, I keep holding on, compelled by the Heat of His gaze and His passion for me. 10 years done and another 10 years more, till I am made one with the Burning One.

I'm holding on to Your Divine Love
I'm holding on and I'm not letting go
It's not my zeal, it's that Your love is strong
It's not my strength, it's that You're faithful

Happy Baptism Day :)

Elizabeth chirped at 5:29 PM | No comments

Paradox

As I'm wont to do with the ending of each season, I went through my Facebook photos and embarked on a journey down memory lane. It's amazing and kinda freaky how much of my uni life got captured on social media isn't it? It's the highlight reel of my life. But while other's don't get to see the down time, I do remember the things that happened and what I felt in between. While some of those moments were heart wrenching or cringe worthy, it's evident to me that I did manage to live life in uni as I had so badly desired at the start. I had done what I set out to do, I have explored and taken steps into the unknown with hilarious results at times, and graduated with a cert and a bag full of experiences. My hopes and dreams have risen and died a thousand times over, I've run away and returned more times than I can remember, and yet, I'm still here. Still standing, still burning. Maybe even stronger than before, and that is enough. 

Knowing the thoughts I've had and the emotions that I've felt along the way, it is clear that it was never about my ability to follow but it was His faithfulness and ability to lead me that I stand here today. At the end of the season, I was running away, over the mountains and across the seas to foreign lands where I hoped my heart would be free. But freedom wasn't found in trying to outrun disappointments and pain. It was found when He pursued me, arrested me in my paths and sent wave after wave of His love crashing over me. As strange as it may seem, freedom was found when I was lost in His love.

With this new old love burning inside of me, I feel more lost than ever as to the path I should take. And yet, it's as if there's a deep anchor deep in my soul. So I'm stepping off the ledge and jumping into the unknown with certainty and excitement in my heart, because it is in the unknown that He is found. He is the great boundless mystery that I'll spend my life following one crazy leap at a time till I am completely undone and one :)

"Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands." 

Psalm 63:3-4

Elizabeth chirped at 2:04 AM | No comments

Called to love

I hear stories of great men and women of God doing extraordinary things, spending their days impacting nations and the lives of thousands of people. And I look at how my life pales in comparison. Because sure, I may have helped one or two lives just a little, but it's nothing compared to what they are doing. My life is still dull and mundane, certainly not what God has called me to be I'm sure.

Then I thought about my dad. He was there at the start of the church, saw some pretty scary possessions and some miracles, taught in children church and served the church faithfully. He didn't impact nations, wasn't such an important figure in church that his absence would have severally hindered the work of the church, but he was faithful in giving what little he had. He's an ordinary man who had one job, served one church for life and provided for his family. It sounds like nothing spectacular. But I think that when he meets God, he'll still be told well done good and faithful servant. Because he's a good man, and he has been faithful.

Likewise, maybe not all of us are called to live like the Billy Grahams, or the great pastors or missionaries that we so admire. Maybe my life will just be raising my family, serving faithfully in church and just loving people around me. Maybe I won't ever be able to lay hands on the sick and heal them, maybe I won't ever be able to give a word of knowledge. But as long as I have loved, shared what I knew and given what I had, that would be enough. Or as Misty Edwards sings, "Did you learn to love?"

If He calls me to nations, or if He doesn't, so be it. I guess what I'm learning is, to not despise the 'simpler' calls. Each body part has their own job to do, and He knows exactly how He's gonna pull everything together perfectly.

Elizabeth chirped at 1:08 AM | No comments

If I Ain't Got You

Hong Kong

My mom says that my dad is a bad photographer, and so was I. We were always cutting parts of people off, or placing them all wrong in the shot. Then while I was in Perth, my brother taught me the rule of third. And then I got the iPhone 4S. And then I went on exchange to the beautiful land of Europe. And then I took an ethnographic module. And now here I am with my own camera, happily editing photos and uploading albums on Facebook. They aren't spectacular, but I never thought I'll be here and I think I've come a long way.

Looking back, I can see the little events that contributed to this growth. But when I was buying the iPhone, I certainly didn't think I would have been trigger happy. I just thought it would be a cool phone, that didn't lag and looked pretty. The decisions we make each moment, is made with a little bit of logic, guts, faith, and a whole lot of guess work. Hindsight is 20/20, reality is a haze.

Life's hazy right now and it seems like the PSI is pretty high. I should be figuring out where to plant myself for the next few years. But I'm on a drama and travel marathon, because planning my life is tough and uncomfortable and I don't want to start. The academic journey felt like it would never end while I was in it, and then suddenly, I've arrived and I don't know what to do. Would I ever be able to make this life count?

Amidst all the mess of uncertainties, fears and dreams is a tiny seed of faith and hope. I wish it was bigger. I wish I was bold and courageous in faith. Instead, I'm a mouse with a tiny seed that's almost lost in the chaos. Despite my lack, I still believe that there's a plan and purpose for my life and I'm just in the process of it all. I don't know if it's faith, or just opium because I can't bear the thought of a wasted life. But God can't possibly leave me here like this as I am right? He still has so much more to show me of Himself, and to take my breathe away with His perfectness and awesomeness.

The older I get, the more I wonder how people live without religion or faith in God. I guess, they don't.. live. But it's such a perfect idea isn't it? To have a all-powerful and loving God that gives you hope and an anchor in life, always. At risk of sounding like a crazy person, I would like to say that, if He's just a figment of my imagination then I don't want to wake up or be sane. As the song goes, "very good, believe in Jesus, very good".

Elizabeth chirped at 2:38 AM | No comments

Bible Camps and His Faithfulness

Used some old toiletries today. The shampoo smell reminds me of year 1 handball training days, when having a cold shower after a tiring training was the best thing ever. While the conditioner reminded me of staying in Paris with Joy. Funny how scent is linked with memory. I did do quite a number of things in uni huh.

One more paper left to graduation and my own mini Asia tour. Haha. I'm kinda looking forward to Bible Camp actually, which is kinda strange since I didn't particularly like attending them while growing up. Sure, there was lots of fun hanging out with friends, but other than that I never actually really got anything out of it, too many adults. But as I started leaving adolescence behind, the adults kinda grew on me. I like how they simplify things and always bring us back to basics, which we often forget while dreaming of success and the future. Not to mention the occasional storytelling about adventures of a time long gone. And I guess when you become a leader in youth, Bible Camp is the one time each year that I get to rest and be me.

Because Bible Camp also coincides with the end/start of the academic year, they have also come to marked some pretty spectacular periods of my life.

2010. I had just spent a month in Perth with my parents. I was missing TL friends and anxiously waiting and praying for a spot in FASS. That camp, I felt lost and was praying for God to still my anxious heart. 2 weeks later, in a dramatic faith-led day my appeal was successful.

2011. I was back from YEP in Cambodia, and was extremely distracted throughout camp. I had to impose a wifi ban on myself in an attempt to stay focused. Conversation centred around BGR. I felt confused, lost, excited and was praying that God would still my excited heart.

2012. I was working part-time in Church and had designed this year's camp booklet. Our ride up broke down, I figured we were ending, I smiled through the day and cried my eyes out every session. I was lost, broken, and praying for God to comfort my broken heart. That camp, I received a breakthrough in worship and in my walk with God. I believe the effects of that breakthrough still live on even now.

2013. I was interning in the social sector, I was so happy to be back in church after exchange. I was entering some kind of spiritual high because I was hungry. I still counted the days, but I knew it was ending because I was happy and I finally felt like me again and I was starting to dream again. The possibilities of the future seemed endless, it made living in the present feel frustrating at times. I was still anxious to get to the future, and praying to be a part of a glorious adventure.

2014. I'm gonna be jobless and wandering quite a bit. I am still lost, still curious about the future, still praying to be used, still asking for more. But reminiscing about the past and typing out this mini milestone thing has reminded me about God's faithfulness. He has seen me through every storm, every uncertain future, and he will see me through this one, and the next, and the ones to come. I can't walk away, not from someone who never walks away from me. So day by day we'll walk through this till we're standing face to face.

Elizabeth chirped at 1:15 AM | No comments

For Moments like these

I know I am immensely loved by God. But most of the time, it's hard to comprehend it, let alone live like I am. The funny thing is, when it comes to praying for others, suddenly I just get it. My prayers are often long and repetitive and go all over the place (as it is with anything I say really), but that's because there's a love bubbling inside of me and my words are just inadequate to describe it. It's like, I stand there, half trying not to panic because I'm expected to pray for this person and I have no idea what to say or what I'm doing, and God's just like, I AM SO IN LOVE THIS PERSON! and gives you a tiny glimpse of it. And it's hard to not just stand there and cry, moved by the love God has for that person. Because at the moment, nothing that person has ever done or said or thought about himself matters in the face of such an immense love. And so bleahhhh the words just come tumbling out in a mess.

With that comes the realization that hey, that's how He feels about me too! How He sees this person is how He see me too! And just like that,*DING!* a fresh revelation of His love for me. 

I guess they weren't kidding when they said it's more blessed to give than to receive. When you get past the obligations, the cost, the effort and will needed to keep going, to keep serving, you come to realize that it's not just about the others but it's about me as well. That He's interested in MY heart, in MY life. That I'm not just a worker, I'm co-heirs with Christ. This is a kingdom He's building, and that includes me. 

Elizabeth chirped at 12:52 AM | No comments

Awkward First

A small personal victory today. It's small, and it's well, just another day. But I hope someday in the future when I look back at today, it will be seen as a defining moment.

When it comes to the salvation of others, I honestly don't have much faith. It just never happened before so it feels like it will never happen. I've only ever brought 2 friends to church before, and it was so scary and so tough. And nothing happened. Nothing ever happens. Life goes on. It happens in other cells, but never mine. I'm barren. And maybe like a curse, I spread the barrenness to my cell. So at the start of this year, I told God honestly that I had no faith. I want to believe, but I can't. So help me. 

We decided to have cell based activities for Good Friday this year. Everyone's been pretty busy or somewhat aloof lately, so I half expected there to be only 1 or 2 new faces max. Since the preachers are busy, and since I'm not expecting many people anyway, so alright, I'll do the sharing if it's needed. But but, just a few days ago we did a friends tally and it came to 7 and I was like.. whhhat? Cue major panic. I mean, I know how tough it is to get friends to come. Since my cell have mustered the courage and taken the effort to successfully invite their friends, the least I could do is at least share well on my part right? I don't want them to feel embarrassed for the awkwardness when their friends come.

I said, God I can't. I don't know how to do this. I've never done this. I'm not the kind of person who can do this well. But somehow I need to do this. But it's not about me anyway right? But I still can't. So You do it. If I had just 20 seconds of insane courage, or maybe 10 minutes of it since I need to talk for awhile, but ya give me a short burst of insane courage and maybe I'll finally open my mouth. Because, I have totally never ever blatantly talk about Jesus and sin and whatnot to a non-christian before ever. Helpppp. 

So, during our somewhat awkward worship session at the BBQ, guess what? My hands started tingly (sometimes, when the Spirit is moving strongly, I get pins and needles in my hands and face). Oooh, seems like someone is here with us! And so I opened my mouth to share, and everything came out wrong. It was awkward, it wasn't well explained, it was messy. And in my desperation to make something count and armed with my 10 seconds of insane courage, I anyhow whack a half-baked salvation/altar call/idkwhat. Guess what? 3 people raised their hands sort of ish. And later when I checked, I think they didn't really get what I was trying to say. LOL.

 

I don't really know what happened tonight. It feels like something sort of did, but not really. But it's a first. It's a start. By finally sharing, I guess it's the first step to overcoming my unbelief if nothing else. 

Elizabeth chirped at 1:38 AM | No comments

Scandal of Grace

So, in my final semester of university life, I got my first 'A' ever for an essay assignment. Not an A- but a solid A. And this was one of those assignments I wrote through the night without sleeping and where I kinda just start stringing random sentences together towards the end because I'm so desperate to just get it done and over with. The most ridiculous part was when my prof started explaining what she was looking for in her grading, and my paper still didn't sound anything like what she wanted. Getting an A should be a happy occasion, but I just felt guilty and apologetic to classmates who wrote better and deserved the grade so much more than me. My first and last A ever in uni, and it was a complete fluke. 

And then I thought,

that sounds a lot like

Grace.

Undeserving, unmerited favour. How can such a crappy rotten heart like mine get slapped on with a label that says "A grade, top-notch". Surely such a label only belong to the Mother Theresas, the Martin Luthers. The ones who spent their lives for others, the ones who loved greatly. I'm not one of those, I love myself, I'm selfish and lazy and I wouldn't go out of my way for others. But He goes, no, this heart is mine, this heart is pure and righteous. It's like someone pulled the wool over His eyes, and He became a mad, irrational and lovesick King who looked at an ugly deformed witch and called her beautiful. And to the horror and scandal of the court, He declared that He'll make her his bride. It's MADNESS (and a prime setting for a villain in a fairytale). The scariest part is that it's TRUE!

No wonder they call it scandal of grace.

Thank you for your great and insane love (and for the A!) 

Elizabeth chirped at 12:58 AM | No comments

Love Never Fails

What is love?
How can two extremely flawed individuals love each other? Even if a relationship lasts a lifetime, there's often times when hearts grow cold and the eyes wander. The fact of the matter is that our hearts are fickle and our affections waxes and wanes. You hear it in gossips and you read about it in the news. No one is innocent, we're all victims and perpetrators in this game of love. It's not just in romantic relationships but it's in every form of relationship. Just think about me and God and the thousand and one times I've had to renew my promise to spend time communicating with Him. Think about all the times we abuse the ones who love us (ie, family). We fail and we flop and we break promises. And so... I stopped believing in this grand notion of love. At least somewhat.

Today when we sang Running in Circles, I thought it was pretty apt at describing the human condition. How quickly we forget. How many times has He set us free from a certain issues only for us to find our way back into that same sticky situation again?

Just when I was losing faith in love, He reminds me of three words, one truth:
Love never fails. 
I'm like all, noooooo. Look at how messed up we are! The fact that people would wish a couple "last long" shows how trivial things have gotten.

Love never fails. 
Love, NEVER fails.
LOVE, never fails. 
MY Love, never fails. It never gives up. It never runs dry on you.
Love never fails.

It exists, doesn't it? In the midst of a crazy broken world, there exists a love that never fails. And that love isn't somewhere in the abstract future, that love is here. Now. Always. 4eva. That love is as strong as the power of death. It's jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire. Many waters cannot quench love, rivers cannot sweep it away.

All is not lost, there is still hope for humanity.
Because love comes from God.
And that love never fails.

Elizabeth chirped at 2:01 AM | No comments

2014: Year of Change, Year of Grace

I am afraid.
I know I shouldn't be. I know God is the one who makes a way for me.
But I am afraid. Of the process, of the struggle, of the pain.
This is the Year of Change and Challenge. And because He is faithful, this will also be the Year of Grace.

It is time to deal with an insecurity I've been putting off for quite awhile. My teenage years were some of the most awkward years of my life. I was too short, then I was too tall. Too skinny. Hair too curly. Terrible fashion sense. Too lame. Too poor. Too cheapo. Couldn't sing. Couldn't dance. Not sociable. Individualistic. Basically, I didn't make the cut for any of the superficial stuff teens cared about. So I took pride in the little that I had (or thought I had): Being committed, being smart. That obviously didn't make things any better because I just got called the teacher's/parents' pet. My angry and insecure self said, just you wait and see! I'm gonna be successful when I grow up because I'm hardworking and smart, and then you can bite my dust!

But, it's 2014. I've been stripped of my armour with the startling realization that I am not smart, nor talented. There's so many people out there who is smarter, more hardworking, more talented, more charismatic, more everything. What do you do when the one thing you had against feeling insecure about yourself is taken away? Quake in fear and shame.

This year, I will be broken by failures and rejection. Broken till I know that it is Christ, and Christ alone, in whom my hope, my strength, my joy is found. His grace will carry me through.

With that, let the job hunting begin!

Elizabeth chirped at 1:28 AM | No comments