Jars Of Clay

It's been a long time since such strong feelings of inadequacy hit. To have to fight every instinct to run away and struggle to make the choice to stand. I'm not supposed to be here. You've got the wrong person. I cannot do it. To be drowning in despair at my glaring lack. 

It felt like I was back in the canteen again, being told about the unpleasantries a thoughtless action of mine had caused to someone I dearly respected. It was back to my secondary school days when I often crawled into bed crying after a long exhausting meeting. And I would ask God, why me? Why did you place me here and not give me the ability to do what I'm expected to do?

It takes everything I've got to shut the taunting voices and to hold onto the Word of God. But I love how moments like this serves to remind me of how limited I am, and how crazily big and almighty the God I serve is. In the act of almost forced surrender, the death of my self reveals the power of His resurrection. It ceases to be anything about me and everything about Him. And He is glorious. I am but an earthen vessel carrying a treasure.

This is His church. He will take care of it. 

I am simply honored to be used by the King.

Elizabeth chirped at 1:42 AM | No comments

An Awakening

With every new day comes new stories and new revelation of old things. I have so many revised stories to tell in a non-chronological order that I don't know where to begin. But one thing for sure, there is an awakening on so many different scales, and He has included me in it. It's such an honor.

Since my teenage days, I've always wanted to see visions, dream dreams and to prophesy. Yet I have never gotten anything. Even when I became a leader and had to pray for people, I often prayed generic prayers or  prayed into the lives of people what God has been doing in my own life. At some point of time, I figured that this was just something He wasn't gifting me with for His own reasons. But looking at the kind of things I've been sensing, something strange is happening. I don't actually see a clear image in my mind, but these stories just appear in my consciousness almost as if I've simply lost concentration and let my mind roam for awhile. Everything seems pretty normal, until you start to get little confirmations from other people.

Because of the mini revelations I've been getting, I thought it was best to start blogging again and to re-do the layout while I'm at it. While trying to think of a new name for this blog, 'Jars of Clay' randomly popped up in my mind and I felt that it really encapsulates my life and what I wanted this space to do. It was time to proclaim what God has been doing and to let His glory shine through the broken pieces of my life. So the name was fixed. Surprisingly, while the youths were being prayed for, Elder Raymond shared that he saw us as earthen vessels and later approached me just so he could physically point the verse in his bible out to me. And later, Aunty Margaret came to share about the meaning behind the word 'testimony', which is to 'do it again', implying that the spirit works each time we share our testimony. I was greatly encouraged to hear the things I've been thinking about echoed by others. Does that mean that I've got the gift?  I honestly have no idea, and it doesn't really matter. But I am certain that He is awakening my spirit man in small but certain steps. To what end and for how long? I do not know. But something is definitely going on in the spiritual realm so we best get ready!

Elizabeth chirped at 1:23 AM | No comments

Tonight We Battle

It started with a dream on Tuesday night. I dreamt that a force invaded our nation that was against our faith. We were on a bus, trying to get to church. But for some reason, the street was lined with temples of all kinds and the street was full of people involved in a procession, and we were trying to drive against the tide of people. I didn't really know what it meant, so I left it.

Tonight the youths gathered in prayer in preparation for our outreach event. When we started singing, it felt like I was in the prayer room in Sabah again. The voices of the people brought the very presence of God into the room. Yet, instead of joy there was a burden upon my heart. I had a mental picture of a flock of sheep, protected by a ring of fire. But there were wild beasts all around, gnashing their teeth and growling, trying to leap past the ring to devour the sheep.

As we prayed and worshiped, I saw us heeding the call and rising to gather to form a large army with all the other saints. It was glorious and exhilarating. We marched along rows of houses and shouted to the people to join the army. Some came and joined ranks, but many shut the doors and drew the blinds, either afraid or content to stay at home, not believing that a war was at hand. And I felt so sad for them, because the call was so urgent and so glorious, these people looked so foolish and deserving of punishment for looking down on it. I pleaded with the Lord for mercy, and for Him to rain and awaken the hearts of the people.

I felt so burdened. But it was only when Joy told me about the uneasiness in her spirit that we had confirmation that something was going on here. That's when we went on high alert. That's when we knew tonight we had to battle and rallied the warriors to or cause. So with or spiritual amours firm in place, the prayer meeting went into full blown battle mood. It felt like there were many Davids, all swinging their sling and bringing giants down one by one. And there's something extremely satisfying about shouting 1 Samuel 17:45-47 at the enemy. So it was that we prayed until the oppression was lifted. 

Tonight we battled. Tomorrow we shall battle some more! Declaring the victory of Christ until the day He returns for us again.

Elizabeth chirped at 12:22 AM | No comments

Lessons from the Haze

What if the spiritual realm was engulfed in toxic haze, set off by a world on fire? Day in day out, we would be breathing in polluted air, our lungs slowly blackened by the filth of this world. To remain clean, we must put on or respirator, we must put on Christ. Even as we are in this world, we must not be of it. We are called to stay pure in a world gone mad. Our wheezing chest and our deep longing for fresh air indicates that we were made for another world. We were made to breathe freely, and we long to be as we were made. But until the air is clear and heaven is here, we must put on Christ. He's the only way.

Sometimes, at God appointed moments, the wind will blow. The very breadth of God will come sweeping. It will awaken us, it will bring sweet relief. The rain will fall, and we will dance. We dance in our freedom, we dance in our joy. It's a little taste of heaven and everything feels right. But the haze will be back, so we must prepare for battle. We must not forget the reality of the clear blue skies and the wind on our face. We must not forget that we are made for a different world. We must press on until the day the haze is no more and the sun can set our hearts ablaze in it's full glory again.

Elizabeth chirped at 8:07 PM | No comments

It's sweet to be in the season of rain again :)

It's kinda strange that heart break is probably one of the best things that happened to me in my life thus far. I didn't know it then, but it turned out to be a defining moment. It launched me into some crazy intimate moments with God. And as my heart healed, it also hardened and went cold. I wanted to travel and I wanted to work because I wanted to escape from the emptiness that was eating me on the inside. But God in His wisdom shut the doors in my face. He had other plans for me that I was too blinded to see at that time.

There was only one door that had a glimmer of hope, but something in me said that I should stay and not chase that glimmer. Perhaps it was the frustration with the emptiness I've been living with. Or perhaps it was an attempt at keeping to the commitments I've made. But I followed my instincts and ended up in walking right into this season of rain.

I was parched and I didn't realize it till I got the first whiff of rain. It started with a drizzle and so I stretched out my dry shriveled hand to feel the wetness of each droplet on my skin. Before I knew it, I was so enticed by the wetness that I was drawn out from my cave and was dancing in the rain. It felt so good to feel the rain on my skin and to be washed clean again! I've done this before, this dancing in the rain, but something had caused me to go into the cave, and I had forgotten what it was like. As refreshing as the rain was, it also had a pleasant air of familiarity. It was the same, and yet, not the same. Strange huh.

Still it's awesome to fall in love all over again. I feel like my teenager self again. Wanting to go for every conference and church activity, wanting to tell everyone about each revelation that I get, going on dates as I travel and dancing with my savior. When my heart is always crying pick me, choose me, use me, send me. The invigorating passion of youth but with a little more wisdom that was forged through the flames.

Yep it's pretty awesome alright. There will be a time to descend the mountain and fight the giants, but for now it's awesome to have a brief respite from the haze caused by a world on fire and to just dance in the rain :)

Elizabeth chirped at 9:44 PM | No comments

When you don't agree with the sermon that has been preached, can you still trust the prophetic word released? When is it discernment, and when is it arrogance and a hardening of the heart? I've gotten strange and obviously inaccurate words from speakers in the past, with the pastor asking me to pray for my dad's salvation when he's already saved or with another implying that I had dabbled in dark magic. I guess prophets are still just Man, and Man make mistakes. But still, the impact of a Word of knowledge accurately released is pretty impressive. I still remember the pastor's wife who knew about my secret rendezvous with Jesus on the bus. It showed me that He really does listen when I talk to Him, even if it's just random ramblings about things that happen in school.

So how do you decide?
I was about to dismiss what he said because Australia just feels off somehow, but look what I found in my diary, written in 2011.

Today we went to build wells in the village. Things are really different over here. The lifestyle, the scenery, the people. It's all so different from home. You don't know how small your world is till you travel out. I pray I remember the thoughts and feeling that I'm having now even in the future.

Deep in my heart, there is still that dream for a different life, an exciting life with some one I love. Every year just going to a different country, helping people, loving them and sharing with them. I feel so far away from that dream and so helpless in making it come true. But someday, bring me to that place. I feel so inadequate now, but I pray you grow me to be a strong supporter.

Since I met You, I've always wanted to become someone great for You. I would read christian books and dream of becoming someone like the author. I was swept up by a radical kind of christianity that defied society. I'm older now, yet the dream still lingers. Call me someday God. I don't know if I'm suited for this, but yes, I would like to touch young lives together with my husband someday. Call me Lord, and call him too. It would be ideal to just go around the world bringing the love of Jesus with us. One day I will go. Until then, prepare me and let me be faithful with what you've entrusted to me in Singapore.

So perhaps, maybe, I don't know. Well I obviously wanted to travel, even though it wasn't to Australia. In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. I've already waited 7 years, it won't harm to wait some more. Perhaps some things are better left shelved till its appointed time, if ever. In the end, He makes all things beautiful in His time :)

Elizabeth chirped at 2:11 AM | No comments

Hello me :)

Today's one of those days that I feel contented. It isn't because everything is going great, but it comes from knowing that I have grown and am growing. I'm not there yet, maybe I'll never be, but at least if I'm growing, it means I am living.

It started with us helping out for Super Sunday in 2009. We weren't the planners yet, but were roped in to help in significant ways. Unexpected circumstances led to the leaders being quarantined, and we were left to fend for ourselves. Nervous, bewildered and excited, we managed to pull everything off only by the grace of God. The following year, POD was launched and we took on even bigger roles. When POD turned One, we were planning it on our own. By POD Two, we were doing it without breaking a sweat. Now POD is turning Three, and I'm training up the next batch. That's a whole new challenge of its own because leading is a lot tougher than serving. Still, it is pretty awesome to see how I've gone from being a lost puppy to leading a litter :)

Over the past 3 years in uni, I have also been on the verge of leaving the ministry, taken up leadership, neglected my ministry and am now learning the value of commitment and the meaning of faithfulness. I have done things I've never done before, given up when I should have held on, loved and lost and learnt a million other things in between. In the end, I find myself coming full circle back to my secondary school days when life revolved around school and church, but this time a little wiser, having weathered the turbulence of youth. More importantly, the storms have revealed the bleakness of my heart and the deep, immeasurable, goodness of His marvelous grace. It is true that in my moment of breaking, I found my breakthrough. And now He's goodness has been forever imprinted upon my heart.

There's still many things I struggle with. But knowing that I'm growing, that I'm continuously being transformed in His image from glory to glory, it gives me great strength and hope. God is good :)

Elizabeth chirped at 2:26 AM | No comments

1254th post.

As embarrassed as I may be about this blog, it does hold some of my best and worst moments of my teenage life. The most cringe worthy ones are those in which I blog about God, self-righteously challenging other christians to do more or be more. I don't remember being such a fanatic, but evidently the number of times He popped up in my blog showed that I was. I use past tense because it is indeed a thing of the past. I'm no longer an ardent fan. Life and its winding road has mellowed me somewhat. I'm not saying that I have abandoned the faith, but that every relationship will run its course, even our relationship with God. 

He is my first love. When we started, I had such big dreams and such high hopes of our future together. I remember our first times. The first time He spoke to me, the first time I raised my hand, the first time He showed Himself in a physical way. We danced, we talked till I fell asleep, we went on walks and took long bus rides home together. I got jealous when I thought other people had more of Him, and would demand for as much or more. I bared my heart out to Him, telling secrets I would never tell anyone else. I celebrated our anniversaries and bought cliche little things that blatantly screams out my relationship status with Him. Ohhh the emotional high and lows of my first love. 

As time went by, the little things that used to excite me didn't seem so exciting anymore. Problems emerged and we managed to tackle them one at a time. But they got bigger each time and it got harder to overcome them, but still we journeyed on. I was placed in a different environment that grew and changed me and that took a toll on our relationship. I thought of giving up then. He felt so distant and I felt like I didn't know Him anymore. Everything was just routine and mundane. But I would remember the good times we had together and the glimpses I got of His marvelous heart, and I would hold onto that knowledge and trust that that person is still there somewhere. So we carried on. Once, I was so frustrated with how stale everything was, that I issued an ultimatum. Do something, or I'm out of here. And instead of cutting me down to size for my foolish pride, He took me to see young lovers and rekindled the sweetness of our early love. 

So yes, I'm not an ardent fan anymore. In place of the emotional heady rush of young love, we now have something deeper forged by the trouble times we've been through together. I'm not so easily excited anymore, but there is a deeper understanding and a greater appreciation of who He is. At some point of time, our relationship stopped being held together by emotions that flicker and fade, but became anchored upon something unshakable. In marriage it is the vow, the promise made. In this it is fixed upon the unshakable fact that He is the same yesterday, today and forevermore. Love that was, and is and is to come. 

And someday it won't be about the sermon or the miracles or the blessings or the people or the adventures we can take together. Someday when i'm old and grey with my life spent and I've done everything I could have possibly done, it will just be about Him. Love would be simply defined as Him. Looking forward to that day :)

Elizabeth chirped at 11:18 PM | No comments