I must have sighed a thousand times on the way. I don't know why I was feeling so heavy inside when I thought I was okay. Maybe this the reason why some thought I shouldn't do it, cos wounds can be reopened and I should protect myself first. But I had given my word and now I had to keep it. Still, it was strange that my legs were becoming jelly and my lungs felt constricted. It was as if every fiber of my being was telling me to turn away. How could coming back here be so overwhelming when I had buried my heart somewhere sometime while I was in Europe? I don't know but I was 15 minutes early so with a loud sigh, I planted myself on a step outside the MRT.

I was trying to recall as many verses as I could that spoke about fear when a man tried to give me a gospel tract. Politely, I declined saying that I'm already a Christian. He smiled and was about to walk away, but seeing no new faces around, he decided to talk to me instead. In our 5 minutes conversation, he opened up his bible and basically shared about the importance of evangelism. He talked about God's delight with mankind and how the angels rejoiced over one that is saved. He talked about being a sower and the need to always be quick and ready to share. While I didn't agree with some of the things he said, nevertheless after our conversation I found myself walking towards the house with a lighter heart and a slight spring in my steps. Because of his love for God, this man had taken 5 minutes to sow into my life. And that's what I was here for. It's not about me and my stupid never ending battle with pain and failure. It's about sowing into the life of a person and loving others. So with a smile, I braced myself for Labby's ferocious barks as I returned not to a place of failure but a place where harvest will one day be found. 

Elizabeth chirped at 2:08 AM | No comments

It's another one of those days where I question myself. Who am I? And what do I really want?

I've been in this crazy "try all, do all" mentality. I speak about it convincingly with everyone I meet. But maybe I am really just trying to convince myself, and maybe everyone knows it but me. Me, a missionary? An entrepreneur? A slave to the corporate world? Since when did all these strange ideas enter my head? It's like I wanted to be like anyone I talked to who had an interesting story to tell.

So who am I, or who should I be to be me? I should be the girl with simple dreams, who is happiest being still in a beautiful place. My favorite activities should be lazing in bed, watching dramas and eating chocolate. I should avoid being in charge of anything because I prefer supporting roles where I can give my opinion without having to make a decision. That should be me, slow and steady, my father's daughter.

But that's not what I've been doing. I used to hibernate at home for days due to my introverted self. Yet I've been out everyday for long periods of time since I've been back. I've jogged for 50 minutes and swam for an hour for the first time in my life. I'm reading ahead of lectures and studying even on weekends. I'm applying for all sorts of funny things I would never have given a second thought in the past. What in the world is happening to me? It's almost as if I'm refusing to be still, refusing to listen to myself. It's almost as if I'm running away.

I'm running away from my past. Running away from the lazy girl with simple dreams because that girl failed me. I wanna be outspoken, driven and tough, because people like that don't get left behind. They don't get trampled upon and shove aside. People like that get ahead. But get ahead in terms of what?

So this is what it's like to harden your heart. To intentionally obsess over superficial flashy things so that real things get pushed aside. Because things that are real can really hurt. Because things that are real are the things that matter.

After all has been said, I conclude that I must be hormonal right now. That's right. Because I only think deeply when I'm hormonal. And because, it's easier to attribute these to hormones and thus temporary and false, instead of actually trying to deal with the issues I raised. I am so cynical right now, I should just keep quiet.

Elizabeth chirped at 3:58 AM | No comments

If it's really true that girls want to marry someone like their dad, I'll probably never get married. How to find someone like my dad??

Sociology has been messing with my mind again and somehow I started talking to my dad about it. Here was this man who only had an O level certificate but who was able to explain how the changes in mode of production led to changes in the family - all in layman's term. We talked about certain issues in Christianity and things I've learnt in class, all which he answers with his wealth of experience and incredibly good general knowledge, before linking it back to the same few values he has been preaching since we were kids. To have Faith. To Honor God. To Honor People. And that the man should be a covering for the woman. 

I see it in the way he always makes the first move to patch things up after a quarrel with my mom. I see it in the way he insisted on writing a statement stating that he was at fault when he had a car accident even though it would cost him more. I see it in the way he honors his word with people, rain or shine, money or time. And I see that he does all these and more, simply because he honors God. 

My daddy is a good man. And because he has modeled this for me, I expect no less from myself or from my husband. 

Parents, your children are watching you. Be awesome ones :)

Elizabeth chirped at 1:57 AM | No comments

I remember being on my knees, hands raised, crying my heart out. That was me in June 2012. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. I don't think I've ever been as desperate as I was then. Yet in the midst of all the brokenness, there was still faith. How does one find the courage and strength to say that it's okay to break my heart because God is and will be my healer? I was either pretty darn cool or just plain nuts. In any case, my faith was not misplaced. Looking back at these past 7 months, I can clearly see His hand of grace in my life. 

I'm in a pretty awesome place right now. While some people are dreading the start of school, I'm actually quite excited. Getting my modules this semester was rather hectic and stressful, but it's finally been settled (thank God!) and I quite like how things are looking. It's an interesting mix of comfortable and challenging modules, all of which I am going to ace of course. Haha. I'm bumping into familiar faces and catching up with girlfriends. I'm running longer than I've ever had and trying to get things moving in ministry. I am young and I am free. And more importantly, after years of following the rules, I finally crossed the line, got burnt, got healed, and realize that hey, making mistakes is not as terrible as it seems. Yep that's right. I've always had a fear of failure and making mistakes. Which is why I quit whenever I'm not doing well. I quit ballet, I quit piano. I don't play games I'm not good at and I don't try anything that is unfamiliar. But now I've tasted the utter bitterness of failure and also the strength and sweetness it can bring, I'm not so scared of failing anymore. 

It's okay to dream big and try new things. In everything, if you work at it with all your heart and do it unto God, He'll be there to catch you if you fall. And in ALL things, He works for the good of those who love Him. I can testify to that :) So be brave, be bold. Choose life :)

Elizabeth chirped at 2:43 AM | No comments

It's been a week since I returned. Things are moving so swiftly, it's as if I never left. As if you never happened. As if I'm back to that moment in June 2011, talking about my sweet spot. But maybe if you never happened, maybe if I never left, I would have failed in my resolve anyway. Because I'm only human, and I dream and plan a lot more than I actually ever do. But because I messed up, I'm more determined to do better this time. Any maybe, that's the extra something that I needed to push me along my path. So it is that after the whirlwind of events, I'm back here again.

Yet, I am not the same. Having tasted what it's like to be in a relationship and to live overseas, I'm starting to find in me ambitions that were never there before. I am generally not an ambitious person cos I don't deal well with change. But it feels like time is fast running short for me. It's like life started the moment I entered university, and it'll end when there's a band around my finger and a swell in my belly.  Before that happens, I wanna do more things in ministry and I wanna travel more. I wanna try things and have stories to tell. I, wanna live.

If I never met you, if I never left, I wouldn't dream as I'm dreaming now, I wouldn't know the strength that failure can bring. But this is not where the story ends. I could go on all the adventures I wanted, see the sights I wanna see and have all the stories I wanted to have. But if in all of these, I never knew You,   if I never heard Your voice or felt Your touch, or saw Your provision or Your faithfulness, life would lose its meaning. For the joy of knowing You and the stories I have to tell of Your goodness, are far greater than anything I've ever tasted, greater than anything I've ever known.

So in the end, now that all has been heard, here is the conclusion of the matter. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.

Elizabeth chirped at 2:20 AM | No comments

An act of mercy.

I'm back in Sunny Singapore. Settling in has it's own surprises. I was dying to eat the food back at home, but the heat and humidity has killed my appetite. Feasting shall have to wait for cooler days or when I've gotten used to the heat. Also, I thought it would take awhile to get back into the swing of things, mainly church. But things have been moving swiftly, it's like I was never gone. Haha. Well, POD is always home for me. It's why I had to stay in Singapore to study, and I guess it's what makes it worthwhile to return instead of dreaming of flying again as most tend to do after SEP.

The pains of 2012 has shaped my resolution for 2013. I'm bringing back my O level mindset and seizing the one and a half year I have left of student life. It's time to take ownership of my studies and my ministry. Hands on the plough before the next big change in life comes. It's as if 2012 was a period of liminality and now I'm done and reintegrating into society. Gosh, sociology is messing with my brain.

I won't pretend that I know what I'm doing or that I have what it takes for the challenges ahead. I just know that His grace is sufficient for me, His power made perfect in my weakness. It's time to soar :)

Elizabeth chirped at 10:03 PM | No comments

Because I met you, I have been changed for good.

The entrance into a new year has never meant so much to me until now. When I was younger, the New Year meant getting used to writing a new number on your homework and having to get through a whole academic year once again. Sometimes I made resolutions which I hardly ever keep. But this time, the new year brings mixed feelings. Mostly, it brings relief.

2012 was pretty crazy. It was the year I shook. And while the choppy waters have finally been stilled, I have been altered by the experience in ways that cannot be undone. Maybe this is what characterizes the twenties. In any case, I'm glad to be leaving my past failures behind and starting a new chapter with the lessons learnt.

More grace for 2013 please :)

Elizabeth chirped at 12:44 AM | No comments