Last night it came again. It came swiftly and suddenly just as my head hit the pillow. I felt the pain, anger and despair pulling my soul into a dark abyss. I was sinking quickly into depression and I was losing my will to live. Better to be dead than to feel the intensity of these emotions. Or so I thought. Yet something in me said no. No, there was still more for me to do here. I am not done yet. And I started to see our first times flash in my mind. I saw the first time I encountered Him, the first time I learnt to lift my hands in worship, the first time we danced, the first physical manifestation of His presence, the first miracle we did together. I remembered the joy of being in His presence and the promise of what is to come. But the oppression was too strong, and I was still sinking under. So I did the only thing I could do. I spoke into the emptiness and darkness of the night. I said, "I choose life! I choose You, so Jesus help me please!" And like a mantra, I just kept chanting, I choose life, I choose life. And then, I started to sing.
You are the peace that guards my heart my help in times of need
You are the hope that leads me on and brings me to my knees
For there I find You waiting and there I find release
So with all my heart I worship
And unto You I'll sing
For You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father we worship and adore You
Father we long to see Your face
For You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father we love You and we worship You this day
As I sang and lifted His Name up in the darkness, the oppression started to lift till all that was left was His peace. And I could finally fall asleep exhausted but at rest. Another battle fought, another battle won. God dwells in the praises of His people.
Monday, December 03, 2012
Am I okay now?
I think so. Most of the time I am. Time heals. But every now and then, the pain returns. So much has changed, and yet, so much hasn't. It feels like I've come a long way. It almost seems unreal that there was a time when my heart was in so much pain that I could barely breathe and I could hardly eat.
I remember being broken when I first arrived here. I remember being stunned by the culture, by the booze and the cigarettes and the clubbing. I remember encountering God in my brokenness. But I've been here for awhile now. I've learnt to drink a little when I used to hate the taste of alcohol. I haven't gotten drunk, but I now know what it's like to have that amusing buzz in your head. Being here has worn out the barriers in my head. And 2 nights ago, I finally pushed through the mental barriers and I let myself go. I've been to clubs before, but this was the first time I actually clubbed. Oh to be young, wild and free, having the time of your life. But now, I can't comprehend why I did it.
Now when the pain returns, I feel myself craving for that high again. I guess this is how it happens. The gradual wearing down of barriers till you don't know who you are or what you're doing anymore. It's almost like eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Sometimes it's better to not know, it's better to be innocent. But we cannot undo what we have done and what we have learnt. Maybe the itch will always be there now that I've stumbled upon it. Yet, I still have a choice. We always do. I still can't decide if all these is wrong or right because it's so grey. But that isn't the crux of the matter. I have a choice, and I choose life. I choose the path that leads to hope and a future. I choose to walk out of the grey and into the light where the marvelous presence of God dwells. I choose life. Now walk in it. No looking back.
I think so. Most of the time I am. Time heals. But every now and then, the pain returns. So much has changed, and yet, so much hasn't. It feels like I've come a long way. It almost seems unreal that there was a time when my heart was in so much pain that I could barely breathe and I could hardly eat.
I remember being broken when I first arrived here. I remember being stunned by the culture, by the booze and the cigarettes and the clubbing. I remember encountering God in my brokenness. But I've been here for awhile now. I've learnt to drink a little when I used to hate the taste of alcohol. I haven't gotten drunk, but I now know what it's like to have that amusing buzz in your head. Being here has worn out the barriers in my head. And 2 nights ago, I finally pushed through the mental barriers and I let myself go. I've been to clubs before, but this was the first time I actually clubbed. Oh to be young, wild and free, having the time of your life. But now, I can't comprehend why I did it.
Now when the pain returns, I feel myself craving for that high again. I guess this is how it happens. The gradual wearing down of barriers till you don't know who you are or what you're doing anymore. It's almost like eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Sometimes it's better to not know, it's better to be innocent. But we cannot undo what we have done and what we have learnt. Maybe the itch will always be there now that I've stumbled upon it. Yet, I still have a choice. We always do. I still can't decide if all these is wrong or right because it's so grey. But that isn't the crux of the matter. I have a choice, and I choose life. I choose the path that leads to hope and a future. I choose to walk out of the grey and into the light where the marvelous presence of God dwells. I choose life. Now walk in it. No looking back.
Elizabeth
chirped at
6:38 AM
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