A moment to give thanks :)

I still remember the car ride home with my dad. I was explaining to him the issue about accommodations and telling him how I'm not sure how to draw the line between plain foolishness and having faith. But I said, I thought I wouldn't get to go on exchange but I did. Since God brought me here, He will take care of me right? If He doesn't provide me with more money to spend, then I guess He'll just have to provide me with a cheap and good place to stay. He's my provider, so I should just wait. And so I got this place, and I was quite happy and all.

But today, I helped a friend who had been crashing our place to his real home for the next 4 months. It wasn't a bad place, but we both agreed that I got the better deal. It's really much better to rent a room from someone who has been living here for awhile. For one, my room has character and feels more homey, and I really don't have to spend a lot of extra money on getting essentials because I'm really kinda like just taking over someone's home for 4 months. It's a home and bears its mark. Not just a space that different people come to occupy for awhile, which is what my friend's place feels like. I'm near to school, near to the lake, and near to the subway that's near to the city centre. So today, I really got a sense of just how well God had provided for me. Honestly, I didn't consider things like the neighbourhood, having utensils and what not when choosing this place. But He knew the needs I would have, even if I didn't know it. And He took care of it. God is so faithful I could just weep. There has never ever been a time when I was at crossroads and choose to take a step of faith and was disappointed. Instead, time and time again, God has proven Himself faithful when I dare to believe Him at His Word. He did it at my O levels, He did it in my entrance into Uni, and He does it again now. What a great big faithful God I have! :)

Also, I knew quite well that the car accident was my fault. There was no denying it. And the traffic police knew it. I remember eating my hotcakes at McDonalds and asking God for favor. I had a feeling that I would get a fine, but I really couldn't afford to pay a fine cos we were already so tight on money. So I was asking God for favor and mercy even though I deserve to be fined and punished. And guess what, the traffic police chose to waive everything. Everything! No fine, no demerits, no nothing. Praise the Lord for His favor and answered prayers right?!?

So it is, that I am sitting here alone in the house and smiling to myself. Things have been pretty crazy this year. Some stuff is clearly my fault, some others I'm not quite sure. But it's not about whose fault and what not. Crap happens, but God is a good God. And regardless of whether it was my fault or not, He brought me through the storm and He's bringing me to a better place. He brings me through it so that I can testify that His Word is true. That He makes all things beautiful in His time. That in all things, He works for the good of those who love Him.

I am beloved, cherished, set apart for something better.
And you are too

Elizabeth chirped at 1:59 AM | No comments

Facebook changed me to timeline today. So I went through it from the beginning. I cringed at the awkward pictures and wall posts, and yet the silliness of the past warmed my heart. These were good memories, even if a little part of me ached to see faces once familiar now a stranger to me.

To be honest, I've been struggling with my self-confidence. There has been a sense of guilt and failure overshadowing me. After all, it seemed like I had messed up everything that was placed in my hand this year. It's almost as if I'm just waiting for the year to end so that I can have a fresh start. And I guess a large part of this sense of failure comes from being compared and comparing myself with others. Differences isn't always a bad thing. When the focus is placed on the other person, I find myself being inspired. But when the emphasis is placed on me, and my lack, and my inadequacy in comparison to the other person, the difference makes me wanna shrink up and escape from the world. Something worth considering the next time we try to speak into the lives of others yea? It reminds me of how the strength of sin is in the law. I'm still quite amazed by that concept. It's time to take the spotlight off ourselves, and fix our eyes on something else, on someone, greater. You become like whoever you keep gazing at.

I'm missing loved ones and the food from Singapore. But I guess it is good to be alone for a change. Away from being busy, always doing something or meeting someone. Busyness keeps you from thinking, it keeps you from realizing that maybe there's something more. Even here, I've come to realize that all the pleasure that comes from new sights and experience, is nothing if I don't bother to take time to dwell in the presence of the One who created it all. It sounds and looks good, to be away from all that is familiar and go on an adventure all by yourself. Don't you wish you were me? And indeed, it is good and it is a blessing and a privilege. But it doesn't satisfy. The ache and the emptiness that I suspect is what's causing you to long for an adventure, is not going to be satisfied by the new. It can only be satisfied by One.

I am longing for intimacy. Because I was built for an intimate relationship with Him. I longed to be romanced, and I am romanced, by the King of Kings :)

Elizabeth chirped at 6:32 PM | No comments

I am in Europe.

It hasn't fully sunk in yet. I'm still settling in cos I don't deal very well with changes in my environment. It's like, my brain is running at max capacity and I can't sit and reflect yet. But I shall try.

So, I went for a mini adventure of my own. It was just 2 nights, and it was only to Belgium, but still it was quite an experience. My very first travel alone. I feel like I've grown a little just by taking this trip. I've always relied on people in some way or another for almost everything that I've done in my life. But this time round, it was all me. My own opinions, thoughts, plans, actions. And to be able to pull it off with no real incident, the pampered little girl in me feels quite proud of herself. Honestly, it's nothing to be proud of cos people do it all the time. But having led such a sheltered life, this is considered a medium step forward for me. 

So what's it like? It's nice to be able to do whatever you want, to be out of your comfort zone and meet people from all walks of life. But after awhile, a sense of loneliness does creep in. It's not like I'm scared of being alone. I'm perfectly fine with my own company. But I still miss people. Many things are still much more enjoyable when it's shared. Even if it's with a random stranger you just met. But experiences are best lived when they are shared. Hence, my many facebook posts. I guess we just aren't wired to live alone. It's like there's an innate need for community. Or maybe that's just me.

I feel like the tough times have helped me to grow, made me stronger. I like it, and yet I don't. I wanna grow as a person. But at the same time, I still wanna be able to be soft, to let people in, to be vulnerable.  I still wanna need people, and I do. It sounds so contradictory right? I'm still working on it.

Well that's all that my tired brain has been able to process. More adventures ahead :)

Elizabeth chirped at 7:47 AM | No comments

He makes all things beautiful in His time :)

Today was real tough. I learnt that we didn't just have to lambano with regards to spiritual things, but we had to do so even in the real world. You've got to fight for what you want, which isn't my strongest point. I think I give way to people too much. Most of the time that's alright, but sometimes it costs me dearly. I was so stressed out, it reached a point where I asked God if He could just take me away right now. No more pain, no more tears. Just me sitting at the feet of my beloved. But no, He still has things He wants me to do. And that's why His preparing me now, refining and moulding me. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that for outweighs them all [2 Cor 4:17].

After a terrible day, it was so awesome to end the night with the cell and their lovely surprise. I think it's moments like this that makes life worth living. To be part of something bigger than yourself. To be a blessing and to be blessed :)

Looking at the cell, I thought about how I got started into cell leading. I remember feeling so alone and so frustrated with things in church that I issued an ultimatum to God. Do something in Youth Camp or I'm leaving. And He did, through the youngest of us at camp. Their hunger for His presence and their childlike faith, inspired me so much that I had to stay. I had to stay and see what God was going to do with these bright young lives. I had to stay and make sure that the world would not rob the precious flames that were burning within them. I will stay to shepherd these young sheep, till they are able to stand on their own. So I became a cell leader. It's been a year, I havent done as much as I could have or I wanted to do. Yet they still love me anyway, imperfect as I am. And they keep me going. Ahh, I'll miss the cell :( But yes, it's still amazing to look back and see how God makes all things beautiful :)

So even though I don't understand all that's happening now, I know that someday it'll be worth it and it'll be beautiful :)

Thank you vines, and all you awesome churchies :)

Elizabeth chirped at 1:18 AM | No comments

"I long for… the wind of His spirit to breathe calmness into the chaos of my life; the fullness of His wisdom to order the thoughts in my mind; the sufficiency of His strength to undergird the weakness of my body; the abundance of His blessing to saturate the poverty of my spirit; the joy of His will to give rich pleasure to my journey; the refuge of His arms to shield me from my fears; the gentleness of His touch to reawaken the feelings of my heart; the compassion of His heart to enfold me and hold me close. I long for the quickening of personal revival. I long to see Jesus… again."


- Anne Graham Lotz

Some people have got 'it'. You look at them and you think, wow, I want some of that. What do they have that captures our hearts and imaginations, that draws us towards them like a moth to a light? It's a strange mix of passion, courage and zest for life. It draws us because it's radically different from the dreary world that we trugged through each day. And I want to become someone like that. To love life. Because, I'm in love. Because, I am loved.

It sounds so cliche, but love is... such an amazingly powerful thing. I say thing, because it's more than an emotion, but I can't quite think of any word that captures all that it is. It's stronger than death. It cannot be quenched. I wanna be soaked in His love. For His love to ravish my heart. Wow.

It's strange to not be in Church when I've been here every week of my life since birth. I suppose the next 5 months can be considered a 'break' from serving. To go into the wild, crazy world, take stock of things and discover myself again. It's scary, especially since I've always relied on family and friends to support and guide me through life. But I guess it's in the wilderness that I'll learn to recognize His voice. And He'll be my cloud by day and my fire by night :)

Elizabeth chirped at 3:33 PM | No comments

It's the 37th day.

I'm 3 days away from the 40th day. When I'm done with this, then what? What happens next? They say that when you toss a coin, that moment when the coin is spinning in midair, it's when you know what you really want. But I think the heart is stupid and deceptive sometimes. And the brain may have logic but lack wisdom most of the time. If you can't follow the heart or the brain, then what's left?

There's a tendril of anger and frustration that refuses to go away. It crawls under my skin, waiting. I'm not sure what for. But it's there, and I don't know how to get rid of it.

There are those who believe that God only gives good gift to his beloved. And so when it comes to the issue of sickness, they do not believe that it's God's will to afflict you with illness. It's not to train you to become a better person or to build your character. It's an affliction from the enemy, and it should be cast out and broken. And that's why they pray for healing with such faith and authority. Following this line of argument, if God only gives good gifts to me, and I did not rush into the relationship, that means it was a gift. A good gift that we messed up on our own and put asunder. That's.. scary.

Often, when things don't work out, we tend to think that maybe it's cos God has something better in stored. I'm not denying that that is true. Sometimes God closes the door to lead us to another door. But I think we should be able to identify when that's not the case. To be able to acknowledge that things didn't work out because we messed up. But because He's a good God and He works for our good in all things, He can lead us to something better from the mess we lend ourselves in. The end result is the same, but the causation is different. Something worth thinking about huh.

Sometimes I just feel so human. So imperfect. Sigh.
In other news, I think Jon Thurlow is awesome. I wanna play like that too.

Elizabeth chirped at 2:02 AM | No comments