Everyone needs affirmation.
Even me :)
Someone once told me that it would be a good exercise to get everyone in cell to identify their role/bodypart in the body of Christ. Since we read 1 Corinthians 12 last week, I thought that now seems like a good chance to do it. I figured that it would be a great boost for the cell considering how our generation seems to be bombarded with the message that we're not good enough. And so we did it, and yes it was good. What surprised me was how encouraged I felt after the whole exercise.
I thought I knew myself fairly well by now, having stumbled through life a little longer and having done exercises like this a couple of times. But still, I was surprised to read what was written on my paper. It was like discovering a part of me that I had forgotten or thought I lost. Being in a relationship had brought out such a volatile and emotional side of me that I forgot that I could be... secure. Yea, that was the word that kept appearing on my paper. It was kinda strange and yet not totally unfamiliar. Something for me to reflect on I guess.
As a leader, I often come to cell thinking that I'm here to serve, here to give. So when I actually do receive something, it surprises me. Maybe that's not the right mentality to have, but that's not my point today. I guess what struck me was the fact that you're never too old/mature to receive affirmation. As rooted as their identities may be in Christ, great leaders could always do with a little encouragement. So yea, let's build one another up :)
Thursday, July 26, 2012
I am going to Europe.
I say it again, I am going to Europe.
In EIGHTEEN days.
Oh. My.
The past few days have been quite stressful. Trying to figure things out on my own, torn between plans and just trying to keep my head above the water. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. And then, I look at the pictures people are putting up from their trips abroad. And I think, omg, I AM GOING TO EUROPE! So exciting! Hahha, I think I'm nuts.
I don't know what awaits. I'm still trying to make sense of all that's happened. Will I lose myself again when I'm over there? Or is it normal for us to lose ourselves, find You and so find ourselves again and again? Each time learning a little bit more, loving you a little more. And bit by bit You draw us into greater intimacy with You. You draw us. Into intimacy. Gosh.
I am my beloved's and his desire is towards me :)
I say it again, I am going to Europe.
In EIGHTEEN days.
Oh. My.
The past few days have been quite stressful. Trying to figure things out on my own, torn between plans and just trying to keep my head above the water. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. And then, I look at the pictures people are putting up from their trips abroad. And I think, omg, I AM GOING TO EUROPE! So exciting! Hahha, I think I'm nuts.
I don't know what awaits. I'm still trying to make sense of all that's happened. Will I lose myself again when I'm over there? Or is it normal for us to lose ourselves, find You and so find ourselves again and again? Each time learning a little bit more, loving you a little more. And bit by bit You draw us into greater intimacy with You. You draw us. Into intimacy. Gosh.
I am my beloved's and his desire is towards me :)
Sunday, July 22, 2012
I'm just a sinner saved by grace.
Some days are tough. And I don't feel all lovey dovey. In fact, I feel angry. Frustrated at the mess I am in. And it's so easy to point fingers, to blame everyone else but myself. And I feel like a loser, I feel like an idiot for getting myself in this mess. Why God why? Why? How did everything go so wrong? What did I do wrong? And I cannot see anything but my anger and frustration. I must be some kind of freak the way I could be so happy yesterday and so angry today.
And then I see it. I'm just a sinner saved by grace. I get it now.
I thought I took everything quite well, I thought I was strong. To be able to go through crap and come out stronger. I thought it was to my credit. But I realize now that I'm no saint, that my heart can be ugly, selfish and angry. My flesh is weak. I am but a sinner. And it is only by the grace of God, by the outpouring of His love that I could stand up again after falling. And it is that same love, that calms the raging storm in me even now. It's not about me. It never was. It was always Him. His strength. His love. His mercy. His grace. It is the knowledge of who He is, that fills my heart with hope and gives me the courage to stand in defiance to sadness, anger and death. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. So I trade these ashes in for beauty.
It's You. It's always You.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Oh goshhhh. Why are You so awesome? :)
I'm smiling like an idiot while watching youtube videos. I was smiling like an idiot on the bus. I was smiling like an idiot as I was walking home. Hahhaa, goshhh. Look at what You've done to me! You're the greatest lover ever. Greatest. Lover. Ever. :)
Seems like the camp speaker got it right. I feel so filled with His love right now and so filled with joy. It just bubbles out! And if I'm not wrong, my newfound intimacy with God is making people jealous, but in a good way. Haha. Goshhh. How was I to know when he prophesied all these that it would be like this? I didn't know then that heartache, an accident and food poisoning was coming my way. I didn't know I would lose a love, and gain the greatest love and lover in return. But it did, it happened, and now You've got me smiling like an idiot at the mention of Your name. Why are You so good to me? And all I wanna do is to sit at Your feet and worship. I don't know about intercession or teaching or preaching or healing. Above all else, I wanna be a worshipper. First and foremost, a worshipper. Haha, well that's gonna be our fulltime job in heaven. A worshipper. Goshhh :)
You're awesome :)
I'm smiling like an idiot while watching youtube videos. I was smiling like an idiot on the bus. I was smiling like an idiot as I was walking home. Hahhaa, goshhh. Look at what You've done to me! You're the greatest lover ever. Greatest. Lover. Ever. :)
Seems like the camp speaker got it right. I feel so filled with His love right now and so filled with joy. It just bubbles out! And if I'm not wrong, my newfound intimacy with God is making people jealous, but in a good way. Haha. Goshhh. How was I to know when he prophesied all these that it would be like this? I didn't know then that heartache, an accident and food poisoning was coming my way. I didn't know I would lose a love, and gain the greatest love and lover in return. But it did, it happened, and now You've got me smiling like an idiot at the mention of Your name. Why are You so good to me? And all I wanna do is to sit at Your feet and worship. I don't know about intercession or teaching or preaching or healing. Above all else, I wanna be a worshipper. First and foremost, a worshipper. Haha, well that's gonna be our fulltime job in heaven. A worshipper. Goshhh :)
You're awesome :)
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Zooming out and reflecting.
I sat on the bus today, in the mood for music from ihop. The moment Laura Hackett came on, she took me back to.. 2 years ago. That's right, I remember being intrigued by IHOP when I was 19 and kept listening to Laura Hackett, Misty Edwards and Jon Thurlow. It was right before uni started, and I was at the in-between phase, not knowing which uni would take me in and forced to be still and simply wait upon God. Then that season of waiting ended, I did many things and forgot all about that period of time, until now. Her song took me back to that season, and to my surprise, I quickly concluded that I am in the exact same season now. A time of being still, with music from IHOP as my companion. It's funny to be back here again after all this time. The same spot, only different.
2 years ago I was intrigued by IHOP, but didn't understand much. Now, with House of Prayer being established in Singapore and having sat through a whole prayer set, I actually understood what was going on. I'm in the same spot, listening to the same music, but this time round a little wiser. I was equipped with knowledge from the masterclass I attended, and the battle scars that I bear helped me connect with their songs in a new way. To be back here again and able to spot the difference, it makes me feel like I've grown. And I like that :)
I tried to organize my email and gave up halfway. There was just too many mails for me to put them all in neat little folders. But through my attempt, I noted how my email seemed to keep track of the seasons in my life. The first few pages was filled with exchange, his name and POD POD POD everywhere. And these gave way to Outreach, YEP and a whole lot of hall stuff. There were long mails to my parents and Joey because they were overseas, and mails about many different events I participated in. Haha, it was a good trip down memory lane and a good reminder of all that God has done for me in the last 2 years. Amazing how your inbox can be like a mini diary of your life right? Haha.
Lastly, I just wanna say that I am happy where I am now. One week ago I would still have wished that things turned out differently. But being able to zoom out and see the bigger picture of what God is doing in my life, I wouldn't change it any way. Because in ALL things, God works for my good :) Take a step further back into the past, and I could be in Auckland now, or in SMU or studying in the faculty of SDE. But no, in my season of waiting upon God, He kept me in Singapore and brought me into FASS which is why my inbox looks the way it does. Where will He bring me next, I do not know. But wherever it is, it's gonna be exciting and it's gonna be amazing :) Cos He makes all things beautiful in His time :)
I sat on the bus today, in the mood for music from ihop. The moment Laura Hackett came on, she took me back to.. 2 years ago. That's right, I remember being intrigued by IHOP when I was 19 and kept listening to Laura Hackett, Misty Edwards and Jon Thurlow. It was right before uni started, and I was at the in-between phase, not knowing which uni would take me in and forced to be still and simply wait upon God. Then that season of waiting ended, I did many things and forgot all about that period of time, until now. Her song took me back to that season, and to my surprise, I quickly concluded that I am in the exact same season now. A time of being still, with music from IHOP as my companion. It's funny to be back here again after all this time. The same spot, only different.
2 years ago I was intrigued by IHOP, but didn't understand much. Now, with House of Prayer being established in Singapore and having sat through a whole prayer set, I actually understood what was going on. I'm in the same spot, listening to the same music, but this time round a little wiser. I was equipped with knowledge from the masterclass I attended, and the battle scars that I bear helped me connect with their songs in a new way. To be back here again and able to spot the difference, it makes me feel like I've grown. And I like that :)
I tried to organize my email and gave up halfway. There was just too many mails for me to put them all in neat little folders. But through my attempt, I noted how my email seemed to keep track of the seasons in my life. The first few pages was filled with exchange, his name and POD POD POD everywhere. And these gave way to Outreach, YEP and a whole lot of hall stuff. There were long mails to my parents and Joey because they were overseas, and mails about many different events I participated in. Haha, it was a good trip down memory lane and a good reminder of all that God has done for me in the last 2 years. Amazing how your inbox can be like a mini diary of your life right? Haha.
Lastly, I just wanna say that I am happy where I am now. One week ago I would still have wished that things turned out differently. But being able to zoom out and see the bigger picture of what God is doing in my life, I wouldn't change it any way. Because in ALL things, God works for my good :) Take a step further back into the past, and I could be in Auckland now, or in SMU or studying in the faculty of SDE. But no, in my season of waiting upon God, He kept me in Singapore and brought me into FASS which is why my inbox looks the way it does. Where will He bring me next, I do not know. But wherever it is, it's gonna be exciting and it's gonna be amazing :) Cos He makes all things beautiful in His time :)
Monday, July 16, 2012
Tonight I thank God for giving me awesome people to journey through life with :) Sure we're all imperfect and often squabble, but these are the friends who still choose to stay in my life despite having seen the worst of me at every stage of my life. Haha, I was just wondering if a bratty 12-years-old me and a bratty 21-years-old me would be very different even if the brattiness stays. In any case, friends like this are hard to come by and I really do cherish and appreciate each of you :)
God has really blessed me abundantly. I feel like I'm really starting to understand what it means to be deeply loved and highly favored. It's like my favorite phrase now, and I feel like telling that to everyone that I meet. Because that's what we are. But so many of us don't get it. But we are. Deeply loved. Cherished. Adored. In place of ashes, He has crowned us with beauty. In place of mourning, He gives us the oil of gladness. In place of a spirit of despair, He gives us a garment of praise. So awesome! God is so good! And He's the reason why I can sing and dance even in the storm :)
Friday, July 13, 2012
Every cloud has a silver lining. This week it's just been harder to see the silver lining. I'm not depressed, but neither does my spirit feel lifted up. I just feel kinda mehhh and somewhat low. Until I went to HOPSingapore last night.
There's just something different about a place where prayer and worship is offered. I felt it the moment I entered. And as I closed my eyes and let the music wash over me, I felt it.. well.. wash me. I was being cleansed from the inside out all over again. Yet more stripping away of myself and my flesh, till all that remains is Jesus, always Jesus. His love and His wonderful light flooding the darkness and letting me breathe easy again. And I smiled to myself - something I find myself doing a lot more these days. It's that secret smile between my savior and me. A joy that stems from having full confidence that there will be a rainbow at the end of the storm, because He lives. God's not finished with me yet. Greater things are still to come :)
There's just something different about a place where prayer and worship is offered. I felt it the moment I entered. And as I closed my eyes and let the music wash over me, I felt it.. well.. wash me. I was being cleansed from the inside out all over again. Yet more stripping away of myself and my flesh, till all that remains is Jesus, always Jesus. His love and His wonderful light flooding the darkness and letting me breathe easy again. And I smiled to myself - something I find myself doing a lot more these days. It's that secret smile between my savior and me. A joy that stems from having full confidence that there will be a rainbow at the end of the storm, because He lives. God's not finished with me yet. Greater things are still to come :)
Saturday, July 07, 2012
At one point of time, the pain in the stomach got so intense that I just sat on the edge of my bed, bent over with a cushion at my stomach. I was staring at my feet, waiting and willing for the pain to pass. With my eyes fixed on the ground, I couldn't see, but I felt a presence approaching me quietly. Then a pair of feet came into view, and my daddy sat on the bed beside me. He held my clenched fists - I hadn't even realized I had clenched them because of the pain - and I released the tension at his touch. He asked if I was okay and started to rub my lower back, the same way Joy rubbed my lower back for me when I had cramps in school. It was comforting but also brought back memories of the past. Then the 2 kids my parents were 'babysitting' for the day came into the room, and my dad asked them to lay their hands on me and pray together. As I heard the children's voices repeating after my dad in prayer, something clicked.
Of certainty there is beauty in brokenness, goodness even in pain. I saw a father's love and a father's heart to train a child. What a lovely image to behold. It was as if God had appointed that moment, that I may learn from it. While I would have avoided pain if I could, it feels like an honor and a privilege to be where I am now. To know the comfort that You give. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I see myself soaring together with Him. Sometimes it's over the mountains, sometimes it's across the galaxies. Sometimes I'm just sitting with my back against the grass, gazing at the star lit sky and marveling at the beauty of it all, at His beauty :) My Jesus is beautiful :)
Of certainty there is beauty in brokenness, goodness even in pain. I saw a father's love and a father's heart to train a child. What a lovely image to behold. It was as if God had appointed that moment, that I may learn from it. While I would have avoided pain if I could, it feels like an honor and a privilege to be where I am now. To know the comfort that You give. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I see myself soaring together with Him. Sometimes it's over the mountains, sometimes it's across the galaxies. Sometimes I'm just sitting with my back against the grass, gazing at the star lit sky and marveling at the beauty of it all, at His beauty :) My Jesus is beautiful :)
I stopped writing letters to God, and I stopped blogging when I found my new best friend.
But tonight I went to dig them up. I read the silly conversations I had with my peers when we got bored of the sermon while we were still secondary school kids (and may I add that my handwriting was atrocious and our conversations were really lame, haha). I read the words released into my life, or as well as I could remember them and had written them down. I read about the dreams that I had and all that I wanted to do for God. I read about the kind of man I wanted to marry and how I was saving my heart for him. I read all these and I thought, who's that girl?
When I was sec 4, I had this grand plan to excel in my studies all the way till uni, and then I'll dump all the certs and just work in some NGO or Christian organization. Well, that didn't go as planned because my results have been mehhhhh after the miracle during O levels. And I completely forgot about wanting to spend time serving God first after graduating because ever since entering uni, I've been worrying about having a good CV and getting a good job. This is how circumstances can steal faith and bury dreams. Scary isn't it? I don't know if it was a silly dream I had as immature me, or if it was a God-given dream that I've lost sight off, because I don't 'feel' it anymore. In any case, I'm praying for the resurrection of broken dreams that are of God.
But one thing I wrote that I have never ceased wanting to be, is to be a Woman of God. Bold in faith and strong in spirit. I wanted my life to display the glory of God and inspire others, more so women. I've always wanted people to look at me, see the love and joy of Christ bubbling out from me and say, "whatever it is she's having, I want some of that, I want some of that". My children will arise and call me blessed, my husband also, shall praise me. That's why I've been blogging over the years, that's why I share my stories openly. I share the heartaches and the joy because God is always at work in me, and I want people to see it. To journey through life with me, see my imperfections and see God's grace and perfection.
But I guess I lost sight of many things when I got attached. I forgot that ministry still continues, God's plans and purposes for my life still continues even if I was no longer single. I got trapped in a bubble, and I guess God had to resort to using pain to get my attention. Despite all the books I've read about having healthy relationships, there are some struggles you don't understand until you're actually in one yourself. I lost a love but found much more. In all things God works for the good of those who love Him. In ALL things :)
But tonight I went to dig them up. I read the silly conversations I had with my peers when we got bored of the sermon while we were still secondary school kids (and may I add that my handwriting was atrocious and our conversations were really lame, haha). I read the words released into my life, or as well as I could remember them and had written them down. I read about the dreams that I had and all that I wanted to do for God. I read about the kind of man I wanted to marry and how I was saving my heart for him. I read all these and I thought, who's that girl?
When I was sec 4, I had this grand plan to excel in my studies all the way till uni, and then I'll dump all the certs and just work in some NGO or Christian organization. Well, that didn't go as planned because my results have been mehhhhh after the miracle during O levels. And I completely forgot about wanting to spend time serving God first after graduating because ever since entering uni, I've been worrying about having a good CV and getting a good job. This is how circumstances can steal faith and bury dreams. Scary isn't it? I don't know if it was a silly dream I had as immature me, or if it was a God-given dream that I've lost sight off, because I don't 'feel' it anymore. In any case, I'm praying for the resurrection of broken dreams that are of God.
But one thing I wrote that I have never ceased wanting to be, is to be a Woman of God. Bold in faith and strong in spirit. I wanted my life to display the glory of God and inspire others, more so women. I've always wanted people to look at me, see the love and joy of Christ bubbling out from me and say, "whatever it is she's having, I want some of that, I want some of that". My children will arise and call me blessed, my husband also, shall praise me. That's why I've been blogging over the years, that's why I share my stories openly. I share the heartaches and the joy because God is always at work in me, and I want people to see it. To journey through life with me, see my imperfections and see God's grace and perfection.
But I guess I lost sight of many things when I got attached. I forgot that ministry still continues, God's plans and purposes for my life still continues even if I was no longer single. I got trapped in a bubble, and I guess God had to resort to using pain to get my attention. Despite all the books I've read about having healthy relationships, there are some struggles you don't understand until you're actually in one yourself. I lost a love but found much more. In all things God works for the good of those who love Him. In ALL things :)
Friday, July 06, 2012
I thought the earth was done unleashing its wrath and it was time to rebuild the houses and move on with life. But no, the after shocks continue to come, shaking my tiny little world just a little more. I had thought this would be the perfect summer, with little to worry about until I take off on a plane to a whole different world. But as nature has proven so many times, disaster can strike when you least expect it.
When more crappy news reach my ears, I have found that the greatest comfort lies in simply closing my eyes. When I close my eyes, I no longer see the grimness of my circumstances. With my physical eyes closed, I am able to use my spiritual eyes to see further, to see the unseen. I am able to see the rainbow at the end of the storm, I am able to see great big hands holding me, I am able to see a light shinning in the darkness. So I close my eyes and hang onto what is the Truth instead of what is true about my circumstances.
As I drift in and out of sleep, I catch snatches of conversation going on in the house. I hear a little bit of fear and anxiety at our shaking world. But I also hear a lot of love, care and concern. And I hear faith. Faith in the faithfulness of our God. It gives me great comfort to know that my family is a one that is led by God. I feel bad that they hurt because of me, and it feels even worse that instead of blaming me, they simply offer love. My world may be shaking, but I'm grateful that at least God has kept my family intact, and we shall get through the storm together.
When more crappy news reach my ears, I have found that the greatest comfort lies in simply closing my eyes. When I close my eyes, I no longer see the grimness of my circumstances. With my physical eyes closed, I am able to use my spiritual eyes to see further, to see the unseen. I am able to see the rainbow at the end of the storm, I am able to see great big hands holding me, I am able to see a light shinning in the darkness. So I close my eyes and hang onto what is the Truth instead of what is true about my circumstances.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
As I drift in and out of sleep, I catch snatches of conversation going on in the house. I hear a little bit of fear and anxiety at our shaking world. But I also hear a lot of love, care and concern. And I hear faith. Faith in the faithfulness of our God. It gives me great comfort to know that my family is a one that is led by God. I feel bad that they hurt because of me, and it feels even worse that instead of blaming me, they simply offer love. My world may be shaking, but I'm grateful that at least God has kept my family intact, and we shall get through the storm together.
Thursday, July 05, 2012
Many things to be thankful for, even in times like these.
Today I thank God for friends, who have been a source of support and encouragement for me :) As I moved through each changing season, time and strength just hasn't allowed me to be with them as much as I used to. Yet they rallied around me like I've never been gone. Indeed, I remember the days of just moving from one place to another, eating talking and eating some more. Spending money we do not have just to soak in the ambience, enjoy each other's company and to camwhore. Such was life until my heart was moved and I got trapped in a bubble that I shouldn't have been in. If I could do it all over again, I would still let my heart be moved, but this time I would take the time to cherish the other precious hearts God has placed in my life. Thank you friends, for every gesture of love and word of kindness you have blessed me with :)
I also thank God for parents, for family. Finances have been tight cos the wastrel me is going on exchange and I also wracked the car. I hear the murmurs, the talks about money and how to stretch the dollar as far as it can go. The damage I sustained have had a splash effect on my family. Yet I can feel the overwhelming sense of love they still have for me. I feel guilty, undeserving, unsure of how I could ever repay or return the love so freely lavished upon me. There's little I can do, except to accept it with a thankful heart. And while the talk about money cast such anxiety upon my heart initially, I shall trust that just as God has provided for us all these years, He will provide for us even now.
Truly it is in the darkness that Your light, and the lights of the people around me, shine the brightest. I think I've still got a long way to go, but bit by bit I'm learning, what it means to love and to be loved.
Today I thank God for friends, who have been a source of support and encouragement for me :) As I moved through each changing season, time and strength just hasn't allowed me to be with them as much as I used to. Yet they rallied around me like I've never been gone. Indeed, I remember the days of just moving from one place to another, eating talking and eating some more. Spending money we do not have just to soak in the ambience, enjoy each other's company and to camwhore. Such was life until my heart was moved and I got trapped in a bubble that I shouldn't have been in. If I could do it all over again, I would still let my heart be moved, but this time I would take the time to cherish the other precious hearts God has placed in my life. Thank you friends, for every gesture of love and word of kindness you have blessed me with :)
I also thank God for parents, for family. Finances have been tight cos the wastrel me is going on exchange and I also wracked the car. I hear the murmurs, the talks about money and how to stretch the dollar as far as it can go. The damage I sustained have had a splash effect on my family. Yet I can feel the overwhelming sense of love they still have for me. I feel guilty, undeserving, unsure of how I could ever repay or return the love so freely lavished upon me. There's little I can do, except to accept it with a thankful heart. And while the talk about money cast such anxiety upon my heart initially, I shall trust that just as God has provided for us all these years, He will provide for us even now.
Truly it is in the darkness that Your light, and the lights of the people around me, shine the brightest. I think I've still got a long way to go, but bit by bit I'm learning, what it means to love and to be loved.
Tuesday, July 03, 2012
He quiets me with His love :)
It's another one of those nights where the unbearable weight upon me causes me to run to God and pour my heart out to Him. Tonight, like He did with Peter, He asked me if I love Him. A simple question, with powerful implications. Do you love me? Do you love me more than this?
As I cried out my answer, as I said that I loved Him first and I love Him more, I felt Him carry me on His back like a Dad carries his exhausted child. As He carried me and I slept and rested in His great strength, I started to dream of the past.
I remembered the great delight I took in the solitary places, in the stillness of the morning before the world rushed in and in the quiet of the night when no one was watching. I would let my eyes feast upon the glory of the rising and setting sun, and the twinkling stars at night. Since young I have always loved those moments when I could be still and ponder great mysteries. To be alone with my thoughts, to be alone with God. I remembered the long rides home and how I would tell Him about my day, delighting myself in the company of my greatest friend, lover and father. These were the days when I didn't know what it was like to long for another person, didn't know what it was like to be always checking my phone, didn't know how to be anything but a child.
But in the past months, I found another best friend. I never did forget the first one, He was always there at the back of my mind. But there's where He stayed, at the back of my mind. I would share everything with my new best friend first before telling the old best friend. Ever so often, I would drop by the old best friend's place and we would catch up and enjoy each other's company, but it was clear that the new best friend was first. I never meant for it to happen this way. I thought things were okay, cos I saw both frequently, I still had them both in my life. But little had I realized that the ranks had begun to switch, and that the ranks mattered.
And so He let me dream and let me remember, the joy and the peace of knowing Him intimately. In my tiredness and exhaustion, my first best friend came and quiet me with His love, claiming His place as number one again.
It's another one of those nights where the unbearable weight upon me causes me to run to God and pour my heart out to Him. Tonight, like He did with Peter, He asked me if I love Him. A simple question, with powerful implications. Do you love me? Do you love me more than this?
As I cried out my answer, as I said that I loved Him first and I love Him more, I felt Him carry me on His back like a Dad carries his exhausted child. As He carried me and I slept and rested in His great strength, I started to dream of the past.
I remembered the great delight I took in the solitary places, in the stillness of the morning before the world rushed in and in the quiet of the night when no one was watching. I would let my eyes feast upon the glory of the rising and setting sun, and the twinkling stars at night. Since young I have always loved those moments when I could be still and ponder great mysteries. To be alone with my thoughts, to be alone with God. I remembered the long rides home and how I would tell Him about my day, delighting myself in the company of my greatest friend, lover and father. These were the days when I didn't know what it was like to long for another person, didn't know what it was like to be always checking my phone, didn't know how to be anything but a child.
But in the past months, I found another best friend. I never did forget the first one, He was always there at the back of my mind. But there's where He stayed, at the back of my mind. I would share everything with my new best friend first before telling the old best friend. Ever so often, I would drop by the old best friend's place and we would catch up and enjoy each other's company, but it was clear that the new best friend was first. I never meant for it to happen this way. I thought things were okay, cos I saw both frequently, I still had them both in my life. But little had I realized that the ranks had begun to switch, and that the ranks mattered.
And so He let me dream and let me remember, the joy and the peace of knowing Him intimately. In my tiredness and exhaustion, my first best friend came and quiet me with His love, claiming His place as number one again.
Monday, July 02, 2012
For all the times I've wondered, why me Lord? Why me?
--------
The Wait Poem
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said, " Wait."
" Wait? You say wait", my indignant reply.
" Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I relate,
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a ' yes' a ' go-ahead' sign.
Or even a ' no' to which I'll resign.
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
we need to but ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
as my Master replied again, " Wait."
So I slumpled in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, " So I'm waiting... for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said " I could give you a sign."
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause the mountains to run.
I could give you all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
You'd never experience the fullness of love,
When the peace of my spirit decends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart.
The glow of My comort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond just getting what you ask,
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
wait it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But oh, what a loss, if I lost what I'm doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see,
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me...
and though oft My answers seem terribly late,
my most precious answer of all is still " WAIT."
--------
The Wait Poem
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said, " Wait."
" Wait? You say wait", my indignant reply.
" Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I relate,
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a ' yes' a ' go-ahead' sign.
Or even a ' no' to which I'll resign.
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
we need to but ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
as my Master replied again, " Wait."
So I slumpled in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, " So I'm waiting... for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said " I could give you a sign."
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause the mountains to run.
I could give you all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
You'd never experience the fullness of love,
When the peace of my spirit decends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart.
The glow of My comort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond just getting what you ask,
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
wait it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But oh, what a loss, if I lost what I'm doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see,
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me...
and though oft My answers seem terribly late,
my most precious answer of all is still " WAIT."
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