Is equality just a delusion?
Sometimes I don't get people. We have this innate need for equality, for fairness. And it all sounds very logical and humanistic. Since young I've been complaining 'not fair this, not fair that' while conveniently letting it slip that for the many times that i seem to lose out, there are many more times that I gain. But at some point of time, I've come to realize that there isn't really such a thing as equality. Or rather, the way the fairness of things is measured has got to be changed. It is just not possible to get back exactly what you've put in, or for others to put in exactly what you have. Because we're made different. Each with our own strengths and weaknesses. When you contribute based on your strength, and expect someone of a different strength to contribute exactly as you did, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration because a horse just can't fly like a bird no matter how hard it tries. After years of frustration when working with people, that's what I learnt. And so I stopped. Fairness can no longer be measured in clear quantifiable terms. Instead, I started to measure it in terms of heart and intentions. In team work, I expected everyone to give according to their strengths and we'll cover for each others weaknesses. Sometimes that makes the workload seem a little skewed, depending on the demands of the work, but that's fine with me. Because doing a little more when it's working with your strength, is so much better than doing a little less but having to do it out of your weaknesses. And so I viewed the world through this new lense that I had. And I thought that you know, others would figure out what I have figured out as well. And I guess that's my mistake.
I often tell my brother not to make the assumption that everyone else thinks exactly the way he does and operates like him. And yet, I made the exact same mistake by imposing my values upon others. It's not wonder that I find myself in whatever that I'm now in. Okay fine, maybe I'm not here because of this perspective that I adopt, but rather it's because of the procrastinating spirit that I have. I don't know why I have to do everything so freaking last minute. And why I'm always letting others cover up for my mistakes and weaknesses and doing the easy stuff that involves my strength. While procrastination is clearly wrong, I'm not so sure about the latter. Is there even a right or wrong?
Sometimes I don't really know what to do. I often find myself trying to suppress ugly thoughts, ugly behavior. It's like i'm moderating my instinctive behavior to suit my own value system. When you feel a certain way, and you want to act in a certain way, but you stop yourself because you think it's not right, is that a good thing? Or is the constant suppression of who you are (ugly or not) a bad thing? Sounds similar to what apostle Paul was talking about. Yet at times it feels like i'm just cheating myself and everyone else. Sigh, I don't know.
As you can see, this is how my brain works and converses with itself till my head gets all messed up and I don't really know what to do with all the thoughts floating around. So i'll just stop thinking about it. Till I find someone who can make this incoherent babble into a coherent train of thought.
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