Last night it came again. It came swiftly and suddenly just as my head hit the pillow. I felt the pain, anger and despair pulling my soul into a dark abyss. I was sinking quickly into depression and I was losing my will to live. Better to be dead than to feel the intensity of these emotions. Or so I thought. Yet something in me said no. No, there was still more for me to do here. I am not done yet. And I started to see our first times flash in my mind. I saw the first time I encountered Him, the first time I learnt to lift my hands in worship, the first time we danced, the first physical manifestation of His presence, the first miracle we did together. I remembered the joy of being in His presence and the promise of what is to come. But the oppression was too strong, and I was still sinking under. So I did the only thing I could do. I spoke into the emptiness and darkness of the night. I said, "I choose life! I choose You, so Jesus help me please!" And like a mantra, I just kept chanting, I choose life, I choose life. And then, I started to sing.

You are the peace that guards my heart my help in times of need
You are the hope that leads me on and brings me to my knees
For there I find You waiting and there I find release
So with all my heart I worship
And unto You I'll sing

For You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father we worship and adore You
Father we long to see Your face
For You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father we love You and we worship You this day

As I sang and lifted His Name up in the darkness, the oppression started to lift till all that was left was His peace. And I could finally fall asleep exhausted but at rest. Another battle fought, another battle won. God dwells in the praises of His people.

Elizabeth chirped at 11:58 PM | No comments

Am I okay now?

I think so. Most of the time I am. Time heals. But every now and then, the pain returns. So much has changed, and yet, so much hasn't. It feels like I've come a long way. It almost seems unreal that there was a time when my heart was in so much pain that I could barely breathe and I could hardly eat.

I remember being broken when I first arrived here. I remember being stunned by the culture, by the booze and the cigarettes and the clubbing. I remember encountering God in my brokenness. But I've been here for awhile now. I've learnt to drink a little when I used to hate the taste of alcohol. I haven't gotten drunk, but I now know what it's like to have that amusing buzz in your head. Being here has worn out the barriers in my head. And 2 nights ago, I finally pushed through the mental barriers and I let myself go. I've been to clubs before, but this was the first time I actually clubbed. Oh to be young, wild and free, having the time of your life. But now, I can't comprehend why I did it.

Now when the pain returns, I feel myself craving for that high again. I guess this is how it happens. The gradual wearing down of barriers till you don't know who you are or what you're doing anymore. It's almost like eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Sometimes it's better to not know, it's better to be innocent. But we cannot undo what we have done and what we have learnt. Maybe the itch will always be there now that I've stumbled upon it. Yet, I still have a choice. We always do. I still can't decide if all these is wrong or right because it's so grey. But that isn't the crux of the matter. I have a choice, and I choose life. I choose the path that leads to hope and a future. I choose to walk out of the grey and into the light where the marvelous presence of God dwells. I choose life. Now walk in it. No looking back.

Elizabeth chirped at 6:38 AM | No comments

I turn twenty-one :)

I remember being 16, sitting at the playground at Bishan CC after doing some crazy dance with Joey and Rachel, wondering how I would be like at 21. Will I be pretty? Will I be cool? Will I have lots of friends and have a kick ass 21st birthday party? Well now I know.

I've always felt that a twenty-first should be about thanking the people in your life who brought you where you are today. Unfortunately, I'm here on exchange away from all the people who matter mosts to me. But still, I thank God for each and everyone of you who ever had a part to play in my life, whether you're still in it or not. And to those who have chosen to stay, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

I am blessed because of you :)

Elizabeth chirped at 7:19 AM | No comments

I could listen to this again and again.
There's beauty in brokenness.

Elizabeth chirped at 11:07 PM | No comments

It's strange how people's idea of christianity can be so different.

I don't know if it's wrong or right or just a different game plan, but I'm starting to see that what matters most to me seems to be intimacy. I've heard it said that all you've got to do in your walk with Christ is to be conscious of Him everyday. Well I wouldn't say that that is wrong, but it doesn't seem to be enough for me. Forgive me if I sound crude, but remembering or being conscious of someone seems to be something you do with the dead. You take a moment each day to remember the life of someone great. But Christ didn't just die. People seem to forget that the work was not finished only by the death, but it was completed by the resurrection. The Christ we believe in is very much alive, and that's the very reason we rejoice. And you don't just remember someone who is living. No, you have a relationship with the living, you interact with them. You get to know their hearts as they get to know yours, you do stuff together, you share dreams and you live life. Together. It's active and it intrudes into the core of your being. And that's the kind of relationship I wanna have. It's more than the will or the mind. It's loving God with all your heart, all your soul and with all your mind. All 3.

I know I'm emotional. I know I could do with a lot more discipline and training of the mind. But don't tell me it's wrong to seek out the kind of intimacy that I'm looking for.

Elizabeth chirped at 6:59 AM | No comments

Travel the world and broaden your mind.

It's a privilege to be here. Being in Europe on exchange is different from being a tourist and different from studying overseas. We live in a bubble really. Living as if we've got money when we've really got none. Weekend trips, discovering more in a short span of time than you ever would have if you simply went touring. It costs my parents a bomb for me to be here, but I'm starting to understand why they thought it would be worth it. It's an experience like no other, and I'm only halfway through.

I cannot begin to describe what it's like to stand on top of a hill looking down on a city so unlike what I'm used to. Or to drive through the mountains, finally seeing for myself things I had only seen in picture in my textbook. My geography knowledge was put to the test as I tried to understand the picturesque view my eyes was feasting on. It sounds silly, but it gave me a cheap thrill to look at the meandering river and see that there really were deposits on the concave side, and to identify spurs, screes and the types of weathering that led to the cracks and patterns I see on the rocks. So nerdy right? But it was so cool to see the mountains and the cities and to finally understand what inspired my beloved authors to write the novels that they did. It's like a light had dawned and the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle finally fit.

I've always felt guilty about being here when we don't have much. I could save the money and use it to pay back my school fees or many other huge bills that are coming my way. But I'm here, living as a student, traveling europe and experiencing it all as only a poor student ever would. And I would never be able to see things from this perspective again. So yes, my parents were right. Loans can be paid back, but when golden moments like this one presents itself to you, you just got to seize it before it's too late.

I am blessed.

Elizabeth chirped at 8:47 AM | No comments

Pops made a surprise weekend trip to Netherlands just to cheer me up! Was totally stunned to see her at the train station in Amsterdam! And to think grumpy me was being an ass the night before when the people who knew about the surprise were trying to scam me into going earlier so that she wouldn't have to wait there in the cold for long. I got more than I bargained for when I asked God for 2 friends in school. I'm really bad at showing it, but I really do appreciate everyone that God has brought into my life. And I especially appreciate the ones who have stayed and stuck with me through thick and thin. Thank you.

Elizabeth chirped at 5:21 PM | No comments

Silly girl. 

I've always taken pride in being steady and sensible. To understand and empathize with people but to always know what is right and choose it. But for the longest time, BGR remained an elusive topic. It was something people didn't turn to me for, and I never felt I had the right to speak to people about it. But now I can. And I don't know how to feel about that. I've joined the club, but this isn't something to celebrate. Is it too sappy to say that I've been changed deeply by what happened? I look at pictures of me in the past, and I wish I could go back to being that girl who laughed easily and who didn't know heartache. But things have changed, I have changed. As with all events in my life, I promise to be real and honest and to use it to speak life. And I will be strong, I will take heart, I will wait for the Lord, I will hope in Him. For I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13).

Elizabeth chirped at 1:17 AM | No comments

You amaze me, body heart mind spirit and soul.

I feel a bit like a mountain tortoise hiding in my room most of the time. People come on exchange to party, to travel and to meet new people. But I've been hanging out with Singaporeans because I don't club and don't drink. I've been staying at home because there's assignments to do and I havent got much money to travel. And so, I've resorted to watching grey's, reading my bible and talking to God. It sounds a bit loser-ish but my soul feels good. My favorite moments are those when I shut my door, put on some music and spend time with God. Sometimes I dance, sometimes I sing, sometimes I cry and complain, sometimes I rejoice and praise. I love these moments because I am nobody but myself. I am who I am and I am in Him. Once, He came and flooded me with His presence. And for once in my life, I felt like I was awake. It was as if every event in my life happened just so that this moment could exist, when I would be utterly amazed by the magnificence and beauty of His being and be stumped by the magnitude of His love for me. This is it. This is what makes life worth living. The greatest call we have over our life is to know Him intimately and to be intimately known by Him. That is all. And so even though I'm hiding in my room when I should be seizing the day and exploring the world, it's worth it.

And guess what's the best part?
I thought I was making a choice and trading travel for intimacy with God. But today I was checking my budget and making new travel plans since we got a little bit of cash from school, and I came to the startling realization that I had enough time and money to go do everything that's on my bucket list!! I'm going to London, Paris, Prague, Poland, Spain and Italy! If you've been talking to me before I left Singapore, you would know that I really wanted to go to these places but kept crossing them off due to lack of budget or company. But now I'm going for all! How awesome is that?! God provides! :)

Elizabeth chirped at 6:12 AM | No comments

I haven't read my bible regularly in years. I think the last time I did it was in secondary school, when I was young and passionate and His Word was fresh and new, and when I was generally a disciplined person. Somehow, I got lazy and complacent. After all, I grew up in church, I think I would have heard and know most of the common principles/concept/theology there is to know. And, it just took too much effort to fight the distractions and open the bible. I hadn't forsaken God, I don't love Him any less (or so I hope). It was just, really tough to sit and read what I already knew. Or thought I knew.

And then I came here. The change in environment, in all that was familiar, got me questioning everything that I had taken for granted. Who am I exactly? And then, my theology was questioned by another Christian, and I couldn't defend what I believed in. Just what exactly do I believe in, and why? I didn't know anymore. It felt like I've been living off past understandings and hand-me-downs. And as time went by, my memory got hazy and the truth became diluted.

And so, I started reading my bible regularly again. I read and I read, and it felt like my thirst was being quenched. Except that I didn't know I was thirsty, until the water was going in and my body was responding to it. I don't understand everything that I'm reading. But something was going in and my soul was responding in small subtle ways. It wasn't obvious, but once or twice I caught myself choosing or thinking differently. It's like, I was subconsciously trying to align myself to what I was reading and who it was revealing. Reading His Word, was like looking in a mirror. You are able to see the flaws and fix it a little, put a stray hair into place. And then you close the book and walk away, and the wind blows and your hair is in a mess again but you don't know it. Till you look at the mirror again, see the stray hair and put it back into place. It's such a strange, seemingly mundane and yet totally integral and necessary activity.

So read His Word. Keep reading His Word. For we are in a time where the lies have gotten good at masquerading as truths. And if you don't know keep checking what is the truth, you'll eventually get swept up in all the lies.

Elizabeth chirped at 9:30 AM | No comments

Happiness is.

One of the course that I'm taking over here is called The Pursuit of Happiness. Sounds pretty cool huh? Amongst the many things covered in the course, what stood out the most to me was that happiness is relative, or comparative, because most people's happiness are based on their social standing. So, if you're income increases but so does everyone elses', you don't actually gain an advantage and thus, don't become happier. This explains why happiness hasn't been increasing even though GDP has been increasing. At least, this is just one of the many school of thoughts.

But the point is, people's happiness is affected by comparisons. And I've been comparing myself with others, wondering why I can't seem to do the same stuff and feeling miserable about myself. Which is why my best moments on exchange are those moments when I'm wandering around on my own and just letting all my senses take in everything. After a month of trying to fit in and finding my place here, I  think I can finally stop comparing (or compare less) and accept that this is me. I'm not a social butterfly, I can't cook, I'm not a do-er, I'm not tidy and I haven't got everything together. But it's okay. It's okay to find pleasure in the simplest things. A chocolate coated biscuit, a walk in the park, a nice conversation between 2 equally awkward people, a gentle breeze or putting on some music in the room. It's okay to not want to travel everywhere in Europe, to always have things to do, parties to attend, people to meet. It's okay to just be me. People hardly ever tell you that. They're always telling you how you can improve. But once in awhile, I think we all need to hear that it's okay to be you. It's not about getting the 5 talents or 10 talents, it's about being the person with just 1 talent and being faithful with it. That's all.

But godliness with contentment is great gain. Set your hearts and minds on things above. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. 

Elizabeth chirped at 2:44 AM | No comments

A moment to give thanks :)

I still remember the car ride home with my dad. I was explaining to him the issue about accommodations and telling him how I'm not sure how to draw the line between plain foolishness and having faith. But I said, I thought I wouldn't get to go on exchange but I did. Since God brought me here, He will take care of me right? If He doesn't provide me with more money to spend, then I guess He'll just have to provide me with a cheap and good place to stay. He's my provider, so I should just wait. And so I got this place, and I was quite happy and all.

But today, I helped a friend who had been crashing our place to his real home for the next 4 months. It wasn't a bad place, but we both agreed that I got the better deal. It's really much better to rent a room from someone who has been living here for awhile. For one, my room has character and feels more homey, and I really don't have to spend a lot of extra money on getting essentials because I'm really kinda like just taking over someone's home for 4 months. It's a home and bears its mark. Not just a space that different people come to occupy for awhile, which is what my friend's place feels like. I'm near to school, near to the lake, and near to the subway that's near to the city centre. So today, I really got a sense of just how well God had provided for me. Honestly, I didn't consider things like the neighbourhood, having utensils and what not when choosing this place. But He knew the needs I would have, even if I didn't know it. And He took care of it. God is so faithful I could just weep. There has never ever been a time when I was at crossroads and choose to take a step of faith and was disappointed. Instead, time and time again, God has proven Himself faithful when I dare to believe Him at His Word. He did it at my O levels, He did it in my entrance into Uni, and He does it again now. What a great big faithful God I have! :)

Also, I knew quite well that the car accident was my fault. There was no denying it. And the traffic police knew it. I remember eating my hotcakes at McDonalds and asking God for favor. I had a feeling that I would get a fine, but I really couldn't afford to pay a fine cos we were already so tight on money. So I was asking God for favor and mercy even though I deserve to be fined and punished. And guess what, the traffic police chose to waive everything. Everything! No fine, no demerits, no nothing. Praise the Lord for His favor and answered prayers right?!?

So it is, that I am sitting here alone in the house and smiling to myself. Things have been pretty crazy this year. Some stuff is clearly my fault, some others I'm not quite sure. But it's not about whose fault and what not. Crap happens, but God is a good God. And regardless of whether it was my fault or not, He brought me through the storm and He's bringing me to a better place. He brings me through it so that I can testify that His Word is true. That He makes all things beautiful in His time. That in all things, He works for the good of those who love Him.

I am beloved, cherished, set apart for something better.
And you are too

Elizabeth chirped at 1:59 AM | No comments

Facebook changed me to timeline today. So I went through it from the beginning. I cringed at the awkward pictures and wall posts, and yet the silliness of the past warmed my heart. These were good memories, even if a little part of me ached to see faces once familiar now a stranger to me.

To be honest, I've been struggling with my self-confidence. There has been a sense of guilt and failure overshadowing me. After all, it seemed like I had messed up everything that was placed in my hand this year. It's almost as if I'm just waiting for the year to end so that I can have a fresh start. And I guess a large part of this sense of failure comes from being compared and comparing myself with others. Differences isn't always a bad thing. When the focus is placed on the other person, I find myself being inspired. But when the emphasis is placed on me, and my lack, and my inadequacy in comparison to the other person, the difference makes me wanna shrink up and escape from the world. Something worth considering the next time we try to speak into the lives of others yea? It reminds me of how the strength of sin is in the law. I'm still quite amazed by that concept. It's time to take the spotlight off ourselves, and fix our eyes on something else, on someone, greater. You become like whoever you keep gazing at.

I'm missing loved ones and the food from Singapore. But I guess it is good to be alone for a change. Away from being busy, always doing something or meeting someone. Busyness keeps you from thinking, it keeps you from realizing that maybe there's something more. Even here, I've come to realize that all the pleasure that comes from new sights and experience, is nothing if I don't bother to take time to dwell in the presence of the One who created it all. It sounds and looks good, to be away from all that is familiar and go on an adventure all by yourself. Don't you wish you were me? And indeed, it is good and it is a blessing and a privilege. But it doesn't satisfy. The ache and the emptiness that I suspect is what's causing you to long for an adventure, is not going to be satisfied by the new. It can only be satisfied by One.

I am longing for intimacy. Because I was built for an intimate relationship with Him. I longed to be romanced, and I am romanced, by the King of Kings :)

Elizabeth chirped at 6:32 PM | No comments

I am in Europe.

It hasn't fully sunk in yet. I'm still settling in cos I don't deal very well with changes in my environment. It's like, my brain is running at max capacity and I can't sit and reflect yet. But I shall try.

So, I went for a mini adventure of my own. It was just 2 nights, and it was only to Belgium, but still it was quite an experience. My very first travel alone. I feel like I've grown a little just by taking this trip. I've always relied on people in some way or another for almost everything that I've done in my life. But this time round, it was all me. My own opinions, thoughts, plans, actions. And to be able to pull it off with no real incident, the pampered little girl in me feels quite proud of herself. Honestly, it's nothing to be proud of cos people do it all the time. But having led such a sheltered life, this is considered a medium step forward for me. 

So what's it like? It's nice to be able to do whatever you want, to be out of your comfort zone and meet people from all walks of life. But after awhile, a sense of loneliness does creep in. It's not like I'm scared of being alone. I'm perfectly fine with my own company. But I still miss people. Many things are still much more enjoyable when it's shared. Even if it's with a random stranger you just met. But experiences are best lived when they are shared. Hence, my many facebook posts. I guess we just aren't wired to live alone. It's like there's an innate need for community. Or maybe that's just me.

I feel like the tough times have helped me to grow, made me stronger. I like it, and yet I don't. I wanna grow as a person. But at the same time, I still wanna be able to be soft, to let people in, to be vulnerable.  I still wanna need people, and I do. It sounds so contradictory right? I'm still working on it.

Well that's all that my tired brain has been able to process. More adventures ahead :)

Elizabeth chirped at 7:47 AM | No comments

He makes all things beautiful in His time :)

Today was real tough. I learnt that we didn't just have to lambano with regards to spiritual things, but we had to do so even in the real world. You've got to fight for what you want, which isn't my strongest point. I think I give way to people too much. Most of the time that's alright, but sometimes it costs me dearly. I was so stressed out, it reached a point where I asked God if He could just take me away right now. No more pain, no more tears. Just me sitting at the feet of my beloved. But no, He still has things He wants me to do. And that's why His preparing me now, refining and moulding me. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that for outweighs them all [2 Cor 4:17].

After a terrible day, it was so awesome to end the night with the cell and their lovely surprise. I think it's moments like this that makes life worth living. To be part of something bigger than yourself. To be a blessing and to be blessed :)

Looking at the cell, I thought about how I got started into cell leading. I remember feeling so alone and so frustrated with things in church that I issued an ultimatum to God. Do something in Youth Camp or I'm leaving. And He did, through the youngest of us at camp. Their hunger for His presence and their childlike faith, inspired me so much that I had to stay. I had to stay and see what God was going to do with these bright young lives. I had to stay and make sure that the world would not rob the precious flames that were burning within them. I will stay to shepherd these young sheep, till they are able to stand on their own. So I became a cell leader. It's been a year, I havent done as much as I could have or I wanted to do. Yet they still love me anyway, imperfect as I am. And they keep me going. Ahh, I'll miss the cell :( But yes, it's still amazing to look back and see how God makes all things beautiful :)

So even though I don't understand all that's happening now, I know that someday it'll be worth it and it'll be beautiful :)

Thank you vines, and all you awesome churchies :)

Elizabeth chirped at 1:18 AM | No comments

"I long for… the wind of His spirit to breathe calmness into the chaos of my life; the fullness of His wisdom to order the thoughts in my mind; the sufficiency of His strength to undergird the weakness of my body; the abundance of His blessing to saturate the poverty of my spirit; the joy of His will to give rich pleasure to my journey; the refuge of His arms to shield me from my fears; the gentleness of His touch to reawaken the feelings of my heart; the compassion of His heart to enfold me and hold me close. I long for the quickening of personal revival. I long to see Jesus… again."


- Anne Graham Lotz

Some people have got 'it'. You look at them and you think, wow, I want some of that. What do they have that captures our hearts and imaginations, that draws us towards them like a moth to a light? It's a strange mix of passion, courage and zest for life. It draws us because it's radically different from the dreary world that we trugged through each day. And I want to become someone like that. To love life. Because, I'm in love. Because, I am loved.

It sounds so cliche, but love is... such an amazingly powerful thing. I say thing, because it's more than an emotion, but I can't quite think of any word that captures all that it is. It's stronger than death. It cannot be quenched. I wanna be soaked in His love. For His love to ravish my heart. Wow.

It's strange to not be in Church when I've been here every week of my life since birth. I suppose the next 5 months can be considered a 'break' from serving. To go into the wild, crazy world, take stock of things and discover myself again. It's scary, especially since I've always relied on family and friends to support and guide me through life. But I guess it's in the wilderness that I'll learn to recognize His voice. And He'll be my cloud by day and my fire by night :)

Elizabeth chirped at 3:33 PM | No comments

It's the 37th day.

I'm 3 days away from the 40th day. When I'm done with this, then what? What happens next? They say that when you toss a coin, that moment when the coin is spinning in midair, it's when you know what you really want. But I think the heart is stupid and deceptive sometimes. And the brain may have logic but lack wisdom most of the time. If you can't follow the heart or the brain, then what's left?

There's a tendril of anger and frustration that refuses to go away. It crawls under my skin, waiting. I'm not sure what for. But it's there, and I don't know how to get rid of it.

There are those who believe that God only gives good gift to his beloved. And so when it comes to the issue of sickness, they do not believe that it's God's will to afflict you with illness. It's not to train you to become a better person or to build your character. It's an affliction from the enemy, and it should be cast out and broken. And that's why they pray for healing with such faith and authority. Following this line of argument, if God only gives good gifts to me, and I did not rush into the relationship, that means it was a gift. A good gift that we messed up on our own and put asunder. That's.. scary.

Often, when things don't work out, we tend to think that maybe it's cos God has something better in stored. I'm not denying that that is true. Sometimes God closes the door to lead us to another door. But I think we should be able to identify when that's not the case. To be able to acknowledge that things didn't work out because we messed up. But because He's a good God and He works for our good in all things, He can lead us to something better from the mess we lend ourselves in. The end result is the same, but the causation is different. Something worth thinking about huh.

Sometimes I just feel so human. So imperfect. Sigh.
In other news, I think Jon Thurlow is awesome. I wanna play like that too.

Elizabeth chirped at 2:02 AM | No comments

Everyone needs affirmation.
Even me :)

Someone once told me that it would be a good exercise to get everyone in cell to identify their role/bodypart in the body of Christ. Since we read 1 Corinthians 12 last week, I thought that now seems like a good chance to do it. I figured that it would be a great boost for the cell considering how our generation seems to be bombarded with the message that we're not good enough. And so we did it, and yes it was good. What surprised me was how encouraged I felt after the whole exercise.

I thought I knew myself fairly well by now, having stumbled through life a little longer and having done exercises like this a couple of times. But still, I was surprised to read what was written on my paper. It was like discovering a part of me that I had forgotten or thought I lost. Being in a relationship had brought out such a volatile and emotional side of me that I forgot that I could be... secure. Yea, that was the word that kept appearing on my paper. It was kinda strange and yet not totally unfamiliar. Something for me to reflect on I guess.

As a leader, I often come to cell thinking that I'm here to serve, here to give. So when I actually do receive something, it surprises me. Maybe that's not the right mentality to have, but that's not my point today. I guess what struck me was the fact that you're never too old/mature to receive affirmation. As rooted as their identities may be in Christ, great leaders could always do with a little encouragement. So yea, let's build one another up :)

Elizabeth chirped at 1:33 AM | No comments

I am going to Europe.
I say it again, I am going to Europe.
In EIGHTEEN days.
Oh. My.

The past few days have been quite stressful. Trying to figure things out on my own, torn between plans and just trying to keep my head above the water. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. And then, I look at the pictures people are putting up from their trips abroad. And I think, omg, I AM GOING TO EUROPE! So exciting! Hahha, I think I'm nuts.

I don't know what awaits. I'm still trying to make sense of all that's happened. Will I lose myself again when I'm over there? Or is it normal for us to lose ourselves, find You and so find ourselves again and again? Each time learning a little bit more, loving you a little more. And bit by bit You draw us into greater intimacy with You. You draw us. Into intimacy. Gosh.

I am my beloved's and his desire is towards me :)

Elizabeth chirped at 10:51 PM | No comments

I'm just a sinner saved by grace.

Some days are tough. And I don't feel all lovey dovey. In fact, I feel angry. Frustrated at the mess I am in. And it's so easy to point fingers, to blame everyone else but myself. And I feel like a loser, I feel like an idiot for getting myself in this mess. Why God why? Why? How did everything go so wrong? What did I do wrong? And I cannot see anything but my anger and frustration. I must be some kind of freak the way I could be so happy yesterday and so angry today. 

And then I see it. I'm just a sinner saved by grace. I get it now.

I thought I took everything quite well, I thought I was strong. To be able to go through crap and come out stronger. I thought it was to my credit. But I realize now that I'm no saint, that my heart can be ugly,  selfish and angry. My flesh is weak. I am but a sinner. And it is only by the grace of God, by the outpouring of His love that I could stand up again after falling. And it is that same love, that calms the raging storm in me even now. It's not about me. It never was. It was always Him. His strength. His love. His mercy. His grace. It is the knowledge of who He is, that fills my heart with hope and gives me the courage to stand in defiance to sadness, anger and death. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. So I trade these ashes in for beauty.

It's You. It's always You.

Elizabeth chirped at 1:24 AM | No comments

Oh goshhhh. Why are You so awesome? :)

I'm smiling like an idiot while watching youtube videos. I was smiling like an idiot on the bus. I was smiling like an idiot as I was walking home. Hahhaa, goshhh. Look at what You've done to me! You're the greatest lover ever. Greatest. Lover. Ever. :)

Seems like the camp speaker got it right. I feel so filled with His love right now and so filled with joy. It just bubbles out! And if I'm not wrong, my newfound intimacy with God is making people jealous, but in a good way. Haha. Goshhh. How was I to know when he prophesied all these that it would be like this? I didn't know then that heartache, an accident and food poisoning was coming my way. I didn't know I would lose a love, and gain the greatest love and lover in return. But it did, it happened, and now You've got me smiling like an idiot at the mention of Your name. Why are You so good to me? And all I wanna do is to sit at Your feet and worship. I don't know about intercession or teaching or preaching or healing. Above all else, I wanna be a worshipper. First and foremost, a worshipper. Haha, well that's gonna be our fulltime job in heaven. A worshipper. Goshhh :)

You're awesome :)

Elizabeth chirped at 1:53 AM | No comments

Zooming out and reflecting.

 I sat on the bus today, in the mood for music from ihop. The moment Laura Hackett came on, she took me back to.. 2 years ago. That's right, I remember being intrigued by IHOP when I was 19 and kept listening to Laura Hackett, Misty Edwards and Jon Thurlow. It was right before uni started, and I was at the in-between phase, not knowing which uni would take me in and forced to be still and simply wait upon God. Then that season of waiting ended, I did many things and forgot all about that period of time, until now. Her song took me back to that season, and to my surprise, I quickly concluded that I am in the exact same season now. A time of being still, with music from IHOP as my companion. It's funny to be back here again after all this time. The same spot, only different.

2 years ago I was intrigued by IHOP, but didn't understand much. Now, with House of Prayer being established in Singapore and having sat through a whole prayer set, I actually understood what was going on. I'm in the same spot, listening to the same music, but this time round a little wiser. I was equipped with knowledge from the masterclass I attended, and the battle scars that I bear helped me connect with their songs in a new way. To be back here again and able to spot the difference, it makes me feel like I've grown. And I like that :)

I tried to organize my email and gave up halfway. There was just too many mails for me to put them all in neat little folders. But through my attempt, I noted how my email seemed to keep track of the seasons in my life. The first few pages was filled with exchange, his name and POD POD POD everywhere. And these gave way to Outreach, YEP and a whole lot of hall stuff. There were long mails to my parents and Joey because they were overseas, and mails about many different events I participated in. Haha, it was a good trip down memory lane and a good reminder of all that God has done for me in the last 2 years. Amazing how your inbox can be like a mini diary of your life right? Haha.

Lastly, I just wanna say that I am happy where I am now. One week ago I would still have wished that things turned out differently. But being able to zoom out and see the bigger picture of what God is doing in my life, I wouldn't change it any way. Because in ALL things, God works for my good :) Take a step further back into the past, and I could be in Auckland now, or in SMU or studying in the faculty of SDE. But no, in my season of waiting upon God, He kept me in Singapore and brought me into FASS which is why my inbox looks the way it does. Where will He bring me next, I do not know. But wherever it is, it's gonna be exciting and it's gonna be amazing :) Cos He makes all things beautiful in His time :)

Elizabeth chirped at 2:40 PM | No comments

Tonight I thank God for giving me awesome people to journey through life with :) Sure we're all imperfect and often squabble, but these are the friends who still choose to stay in my life despite having seen the worst of me at every stage of my life. Haha, I was just wondering if a bratty 12-years-old me and a bratty 21-years-old me would be very different even if the brattiness stays. In any case, friends like this are hard to come by and I really do cherish and appreciate each of you :)

God has really blessed me abundantly. I feel like I'm really starting to understand what it means to be deeply loved and highly favored. It's like my favorite phrase now, and I feel like telling that to everyone that I meet. Because that's what we are. But so many of us don't get it. But we are. Deeply loved. Cherished. Adored. In place of ashes, He has crowned us with beauty. In place of mourning, He gives us the oil of gladness. In place of a spirit of despair, He gives us a garment of praise. So awesome! God is so good! And He's the reason why I can sing and dance even in the storm :)

Elizabeth chirped at 12:44 AM | No comments

Every cloud has a silver lining. This week it's just been harder to see the silver lining. I'm not depressed, but neither does my spirit feel lifted up. I just feel kinda mehhh and somewhat low. Until I went to HOPSingapore last night.

There's just something different about a place where prayer and worship is offered. I felt it the moment I entered. And as I closed my eyes and let the music wash over me, I felt it.. well.. wash me. I was being cleansed from the inside out all over again. Yet more stripping away of myself and my flesh, till all that remains is Jesus, always Jesus. His love and His wonderful light flooding the darkness and letting me breathe easy again. And I smiled to myself - something I find myself doing a lot more these days. It's that secret smile between my savior and me. A joy that stems from having full confidence that there will be a rainbow at the end of the storm, because He lives. God's not finished with me yet. Greater things are still to come :)

Elizabeth chirped at 2:08 AM | No comments

At one point of time, the pain in the stomach got so intense that I just sat on the edge of my bed, bent over with a cushion at my stomach. I was staring at my feet, waiting and willing for the pain to pass. With my eyes fixed on the ground, I couldn't see, but I felt a presence approaching me quietly. Then a pair of feet came into view, and my daddy sat on the bed beside me. He held my clenched fists - I hadn't even realized I had clenched them because of the pain - and I released the tension at his touch. He asked if I was okay and started to rub my lower back, the same way Joy rubbed my lower back for me when I had cramps in school. It was comforting but also brought back memories of the past. Then the 2 kids my parents were 'babysitting' for the day came into the room, and my dad asked them to lay their hands on me and pray together. As I heard the children's voices repeating after my dad in prayer, something clicked.

Of certainty there is beauty in brokenness, goodness even in pain. I saw a father's love and a father's heart to train a child. What a lovely image to behold. It was as if God had appointed that moment, that I may learn from it. While I would have avoided pain if I could, it feels like an honor and a privilege to be where I am now. To know the comfort that You give. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I see myself soaring together with Him. Sometimes it's over the mountains, sometimes it's across the galaxies. Sometimes I'm just sitting with my back against the grass, gazing at the star lit sky and marveling at the beauty of it all, at His beauty :) My Jesus is beautiful :)

Elizabeth chirped at 5:34 PM | No comments

I stopped writing letters to God, and I stopped blogging when I found my new best friend.
But tonight I went to dig them up. I read the silly conversations I had with my peers when we got bored of the sermon while we were still secondary school kids (and may I add that my handwriting was atrocious and our conversations were really lame, haha). I read the words released into my life, or as well as I could remember them and had written them down. I read about the dreams that I had and all that I wanted to do for God. I read about the kind of man I wanted to marry and how I was saving my heart for him. I read all these and I thought, who's that girl?

When I was sec 4, I had this grand plan to excel in my studies all the way till uni, and then I'll dump all the certs and just work in some NGO or Christian organization. Well, that didn't go as planned because my results have been mehhhhh after the miracle during O levels. And I completely forgot about wanting to spend time serving God first after graduating because ever since entering uni, I've been worrying about having a good CV and getting a good job. This is how circumstances can steal faith and bury dreams. Scary isn't it? I don't know if it was a silly dream I had as immature me, or if it was a God-given dream that I've lost sight off, because I don't 'feel' it anymore. In any case, I'm praying for the resurrection of broken dreams that are of God.

But one thing I wrote that I have never ceased wanting to be, is to be a Woman of God. Bold in faith and strong in spirit. I wanted my life to display the glory of God and inspire others, more so women. I've always wanted people to look at me, see the love and joy of Christ bubbling out from me and say, "whatever it is she's having, I want some of that, I want some of that". My children will arise and call me blessed, my husband also, shall praise me. That's why I've been blogging over the years, that's why I share my stories openly. I share the heartaches and the joy because God is always at work in me, and I want people to see it. To journey through life with me, see my imperfections and see God's grace and perfection.

But I guess I lost sight of many things when I got attached. I forgot that ministry still continues, God's plans and purposes for my life still continues even if I was no longer single. I got trapped in a bubble, and I guess God had to resort to using pain to get my attention. Despite all the books I've read about having healthy relationships, there are some struggles you don't understand until you're actually in one yourself. I lost a love but found much more. In all things God works for the good of those who love Him. In ALL things :)

Elizabeth chirped at 1:51 AM | No comments

I thought the earth was done unleashing its wrath and it was time to rebuild the houses and move on with life. But no, the after shocks continue to come, shaking my tiny little world just a little more. I had thought this would be the perfect summer, with little to worry about until I take off on a plane to a whole different world. But as nature has proven so many times, disaster can strike when you least expect it.

When more crappy news reach my ears, I have found that the greatest comfort lies in simply closing my eyes. When I close my eyes, I no longer see the grimness of my circumstances. With my physical eyes closed, I am able to use my spiritual eyes to see further, to see the unseen. I am able to see the rainbow at the end of the storm, I am able to see great big hands holding me, I am able to see a light shinning in the darkness. So I close my eyes and hang onto what is the Truth instead of what is true about my circumstances.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

As I drift in and out of sleep, I catch snatches of conversation going on in the house. I hear a little bit of fear and anxiety at our shaking world. But I also hear a lot of love, care and concern. And I hear faith. Faith in the faithfulness of our God. It gives me great comfort to know that my family is a one that is led by God. I feel bad that they hurt because of me, and it feels even worse that instead of blaming me, they simply offer love. My world may be shaking, but I'm grateful that at least God has kept my family intact, and we shall get through the storm together.

Elizabeth chirped at 12:33 AM | No comments

Many things to be thankful for, even in times like these.

Today I thank God for friends, who have been a source of support and encouragement for me :) As I moved through each changing season, time and strength just hasn't allowed me to be with them as much as I used to. Yet they rallied around me like I've never been gone. Indeed, I remember the days of  just moving from one place to another, eating talking and eating some more. Spending money we do not have just to soak in the ambience, enjoy each other's company and to camwhore. Such was life until my heart was moved and I got trapped in a bubble that I shouldn't have been in. If I could do it all over again, I would still let my heart be moved, but this time I would take the time to cherish the other precious hearts God has placed in my life. Thank you friends, for every gesture of love and word of kindness you have blessed me with :)

I also thank God for parents, for family. Finances have been tight cos the wastrel me is going on exchange and I also wracked the car. I hear the murmurs, the talks about money and how to stretch the dollar as far as it can go. The damage I sustained have had a splash effect on my family. Yet I can feel the overwhelming sense of love they still have for me. I feel guilty, undeserving, unsure of how I could ever repay or return the love so freely lavished upon me. There's little I can do, except to accept it with a thankful heart. And while the talk about money cast such anxiety upon my heart initially, I shall trust that just as God has provided for us all these years, He will provide for us even now.

Truly it is in the darkness that Your light, and the lights of the people around me, shine the brightest. I think I've still got a long way to go, but bit by bit I'm learning, what it means to love and to be loved.

Elizabeth chirped at 12:53 AM | No comments

He quiets me with His love :)

It's another one of those nights where the unbearable weight upon me causes me to run to God and pour my heart out to Him. Tonight, like He did with Peter, He asked me if I love Him. A simple question, with powerful implications. Do you love me? Do you love me more than this?

As I cried out my answer, as I said that I loved Him first and I love Him more, I felt Him carry me on His back like a Dad carries his exhausted child. As He carried me and I slept and rested in His great strength, I started to dream of the past.

I remembered the great delight I took in the solitary places, in the stillness of the morning before the world rushed in and in the quiet of the night when no one was watching. I would let my eyes feast upon the glory of the rising and setting sun, and the twinkling stars at night. Since young I have always loved those moments when I could be still and ponder great mysteries. To be alone with my thoughts, to be alone with God. I remembered the long rides home and how I would tell Him about my day, delighting myself in the company of my greatest friend, lover and father. These were the days when I didn't know what it was like to long for another person, didn't know what it was like to be always checking my phone, didn't know how to be anything but a child.

But in the past months, I found another best friend. I never did forget the first one, He was always there at the back of my mind. But there's where He stayed, at the back of my mind. I would share everything with my new best friend first before telling the old best friend. Ever so often, I would drop by the old best friend's place and we would catch up and enjoy each other's company, but it was clear that the new best friend was first. I never meant for it to happen this way. I thought things were okay, cos I saw both frequently, I still had them both in my life. But little had I realized that the ranks had begun to switch, and that the ranks mattered.

And so He let me dream and let me remember, the joy and the peace of knowing Him intimately. In my tiredness and exhaustion, my first best friend came and quiet me with His love, claiming His place as number one again.

Elizabeth chirped at 1:45 AM | No comments

For all the times I've wondered, why me Lord? Why me?
--------
The Wait Poem

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said, " Wait."

" Wait? You say wait", my indignant reply.
" Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate,
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a ' yes' a ' go-ahead' sign.
Or even a ' no' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
we need to but ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
as my Master replied again, " Wait."
So I slumpled in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, " So I'm waiting... for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said " I could give you a sign."
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause the mountains to run.

I could give you all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love,
When the peace of my spirit decends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart.

The glow of My comort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond just getting what you ask,
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
wait it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But oh, what a loss, if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see,
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me...
and though oft My answers seem terribly late,
my most precious answer of all is still " WAIT."

Elizabeth chirped at 1:59 PM | No comments

Camp ended with a BANG.

The day after our return, I got into a car accident.

It was pretty bad cos the car was quite badly damaged, and yet maybe not that bad since no one got injured. I don't know, I couldn't decide if it was bad or not cos I don't have much knowledge or experience with cars. But when I went down to the workshop with my dad, I realized that it was no small accident. For us to worry if the insurance would choose to scrap the car instead of repairing it seems to speak volumes about how bad the damage was. Also, the mechanic was telling my dad that it was a good thing I don't wear spectacles, cos I would be having a huge bruise on my face now if I did. The impact of the airbag would cos my spectacles to hit my eye. That's when I said, huhhh but I was wearing my spectacles when I had the accident! Then he said, oh maybe my head was turned and it hit some other body part. But honestly, even though everything happened in a flash, I couldn't recall my body coming into contact with the air bag at all. So it's really by God's grace that even though the impact was quite big and all, I came out with just a few scratches and bruises. God's hand protects yea? :)

Elizabeth chirped at 1:21 AM | No comments

So much has happened recently, I  don't even know where to begin.
It's been a period of testing and so much pain. Yet I have found so much joy, strength and comfort in God. So on this dead blog I shall set up altars, to remind myself and to testify to others about the goodness of God. 


Let's go chronologically. 


So there was the week where results were out and I just felt so thrashy and disappointed. Fear is a terrible thing, it cripples your spirit man and blinds you. I was so worried about the future, worrying about getting a job, worrying about finding a place for myself in this world. It didn't help that there were many meetings to attend that week and much work to be done. I was so tired and down emotionally, physically and spiritually that Isaiah came and told me that my leaves were withering and it was obvious. The next week came, and it was more packed than the last. But the difference this time was that I was feeding upon the Word of God. And though by the end of the week I was tired, there was a strength in my spirit that lent strength to my body and emotions as well. I was in a much better state despite having to do more. Such is the power of the Word of God, and I write this to remind myself to seek Him first before all else. 


Then there was Bible Camp. My oh my. What a camp we had.
Something happened on the first night of camp, that left my heart broken and in need of a healer. I tried to numb the pain through the day by busying myself with other stuff. But by the second night, my heart and my spirit was just yearning to pour itself out before God. It was that night that I had one of the most beautiful time of praise and worship. There is just something sacred about worshipping God in your darkest moment. Words that you often sing without much thought suddenly seemed to be filled with so much depth and meaning. There is a beauty in brokenness. I felt so broken that I hungered desperately for God. And what you seek, you shall find.

I'm not the kind of person who often receives physical manifestations of God's presence. It only happened once when I was sec 2 and desperately hungering for God. That night, He came upon my body and seemed to have electrified every single cell in my body from my toes to my fingers and the very tips of my hair. Since then I haven't encountered anything like that. Yet, as I was weeping on my knees and lifting my hands up in camp that night, I had the same electrifying feeling in my hands and in my face. So I wept and I wept, partly due to the brokenness, partly due to the desperation I had, and partly due to the presence of God. But the story does not end here.

After weeping for some time, I finally calmed down and decided to go up to be prayed for. And there, round 2 begun. The pastor started with a verse that I've been claiming quite often in my prayers recently. Ask and it shall be given, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened unto you. Matthew 7:7. The door God shuts, no man can open. And the door God opens, no man can shut. At some point of time, the pastor started praying for me to be filled with love. As I've said before, I'm not the kind of person who receives physical manifestations. Yet, as he prayed for me to be filled with love, I felt something being pressed into my stomach. Slowly but surely, the pressure/presence moved it's way into my stomach and filled it. Then the pastor prayed for me to be filled with joy. And I felt the force that was in my stomach, begin to make its way up to my throat as if it was gonna bubble out. And I was like, What In The World!??!! Hahaha. But yes, other than the very cool experience of feeling something moving in me for the first time, after the prayer I just felt like my burdens were lifted and my spirit was free to dance when it was so down and oppressed previously. God is good yea?? :) And I haven't even begin to tell about the many testimonies I've heard from others in camp.

Yes indeed God is good. And I know that everything is gonna be alright :)

Elizabeth chirped at 11:13 PM | No comments

But why do these tears come at night? It's holidays. But I feel stressed and tired and I don't really know why. In other news, I think my daddy is awesome. Thank God for family :)

Elizabeth chirped at 12:21 AM | No comments

Lights will guide you home.

It's strange how I've begun to chart seasons in my life according to the semesters. Another semester has ended, another year gone. I'm halfway through my uni life, at the halfway mark before I get tossed into the bewildering world of working life and be surrounded by the idiosyncrasies of adults. Time for a little evaluation as always, but this time round I've got nothing to say. Or show. When you've messed up, what is there to say? A good tree bears good fruits. Evidently, I am not a good tree.

Why so harsh on myself this time round? I'm not quite sure either. Maybe it's because I'm at the halfway mark and the prospect of working life and the ways of the world is beginning to consume my mind. Or maybe because I am older and now carry more identities and responsibilities. In the past, there were only so few ways you could judge yourself and the consequences were lighter. But now it feels like there's more parts of my self that I have to evaluate and be fruitful in, and the cost of each failure seems to weigh so much more.

But enough. This will pass, as all things do. In facing setbacks, you just got to grit your teeth and move on. Grow up. Do better, be better. But for now, allow me to tend to my wounds. Give me a break, give me a kit kat :)

Elizabeth chirped at 1:33 AM | No comments

Will who I was at 15, be proud of who I am today?

At some point of time, you'll find yourself an adult. I'm not there yet, I've still got a little time left. Yet it feels like the end is in sight, time is speeding by, and we're rushing towards the end. An end that I am not sure how I feel about yet. I hear it in the conversations, I feel its weight upon my shoulders. Responsibilities. And money. It's always about money. It seems like in the world of adults, all you ever talk about is money. It's scary. I don't want to be like that. Yet it feels unavoidable, like I'm being sucked in by a vacuum that has little regard for what I want.

Will I end up turning into a monster, motivated by greed and selfish desires? Will who I've been, hate who I've become? Questions. Fears. Change. Uncertainty. It feels like I've lost many things as I got older. Yet one thing I still remember, and one thing I still hold onto. "Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you." If I could just keep that, if I can keep holding onto God despite the craziness of this world, then I guess everything would be alright.

Elizabeth chirped at 2:34 AM | No comments

Sometimes I think I'm so full of nonsense that I can't even stand myself. Looking glass self at work. Hah. See, I've been mugging.

I used to think I was complicated. Then in light of the complicatedness I see in others, I thought I was simple. And then I met Joy Pops, who told me that I think I'm complicated, but I'm actually really simple. Which makes me wonder if that means I'm one of those who complicate simple stuff? Hahahha. Sometimes I think that I think too much, and that's why things seem so complicated. But by nature, I like things simple. Or maybe I like to complicate stuff and then categorize them such that they are both simple and complex at the same time you know? That seems like pure genius. Blah, I'm rambling.

I think once, or maybe twice, I got word that I'm some sort of a thinker. And that once I've worked out the complexities of whatever I'm thinking about and simplify it, it should be quite useful in some way to some people. But I don't feel very bright. I feel like I have too many questions and too few answers, that there are too many questions that just can't be answered in this lifetime.

But one thing that I've been thinking about it and seem to have understood it a little better, is that God responds to faith. While He is great, big and mighty and nothing we do can make Him smaller than He is, we do have the capability to determine the size that He is in our lives. If you believe that God can move the mountains in your life for you, He shall do that. If you believe that all He can do is to kill an ant, then that ant He shall kill for you. Reading Matthew, we see different people with different levels of faith. The Centurion believed that Jesus could heal with just a word, and so it was as he believed. The ruler believed that Jesus need only place His hand on his dead daughter and she would live, and so Jesus went with him all the way, placed His hand on the girl, and she was alive. Maybe if the ruler had faith like the centurion, Jesus wouldn't have had to go and place His hand physically on the girl and she would still live. So the power of God is displayed in your life as much as you are able to believe and ask Him for. And here's the amazing thing, He doesn't hold it against you if you can't believe and ask for more. He did not refuse to heal the ruler's daughter who seemingly had less faith compared to the centurion. Instead, He meets you wherever you are, at whatever capacity you have to believe. So cool huh?

Looking back at my own life, I've seen instances where I had the faith to believe and ask God for something great, and it happened as I dared to believe Him for. And then I got older, and became more 'rational', and started asking for less, as if asking for more would be imposing upon God. I begin to feel like I'm trapped in a system that I can't do much about, and all you can do in life is to make do and get by. Just getting by all the time. But maybe it's time to exercise my faith and let it grow again. To believe for more, and get more, and thus inspire others to believe for more as well. And then it becomes a wonderful little positive cycle.

See what I've just done. I explained a concept, used examples from the bible to back it up, and then apply it to my own life. Now if only I could do that in my exams just as well. Hahaha. I sound like a mugger. Kay, back to mugging! Last paper! whoo!

Elizabeth chirped at 12:52 PM | No comments

Is equality just a delusion?
Sometimes I don't get people. We have this innate need for equality, for fairness. And it all sounds very logical and humanistic. Since young I've been complaining 'not fair this, not fair that' while conveniently letting it slip that for the many times that i seem to lose out, there are many more times that I gain. But at some point of time, I've come to realize that there isn't really such a thing as equality. Or rather, the way the fairness of things is measured has got to be changed. It is just not possible to get back exactly what you've put in, or for others to put in exactly what you have. Because we're made different. Each with our own strengths and weaknesses. When you contribute based on your strength, and expect someone of a different strength to contribute exactly as you did, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration because a horse just can't fly like a bird no matter how hard it tries. After years of frustration when working with people, that's what I learnt. And so I stopped. Fairness can no longer be measured in clear quantifiable terms. Instead, I started to measure it in terms of heart and intentions. In team work, I expected everyone to give according to their strengths and we'll cover for each others weaknesses. Sometimes that makes the workload seem a little skewed, depending on the demands of the work, but that's fine with me. Because doing a little more when it's working with your strength, is so much better than doing a little less but having to do it out of your weaknesses. And so I viewed the world through this new lense that I had. And I thought that you know, others would figure out what I have figured out as well. And I guess that's my mistake.

I often tell my brother not to make the assumption that everyone else thinks exactly the way he does and operates like him. And yet, I made the exact same mistake by imposing my values upon others. It's not wonder that I find myself in whatever that I'm now in. Okay fine, maybe I'm not here because of this perspective that I adopt, but rather it's because of the procrastinating spirit that I have. I don't know why I have to do everything so freaking last minute. And why I'm always letting others cover up for my mistakes and weaknesses and doing the easy stuff that involves my strength. While procrastination is clearly wrong, I'm not so sure about the latter. Is there even a right or wrong?

Sometimes I don't really know what to do. I often find myself trying to suppress ugly thoughts, ugly behavior. It's like i'm moderating my instinctive behavior to suit my own value system. When you feel a certain way, and you want to act in a certain way, but you stop yourself because you think it's not right, is that a good thing? Or is the constant suppression of who you are (ugly or not) a bad thing? Sounds similar to what apostle Paul was talking about. Yet at times it feels like i'm just cheating myself and everyone else. Sigh, I don't know.

As you can see, this is how my brain works and converses with itself till my head gets all messed up and I don't really know what to do with all the thoughts floating around. So i'll just stop thinking about it. Till I find someone who can make this incoherent babble into a coherent train of thought.

Elizabeth chirped at 1:14 PM | No comments

Pardon me, but shit just got real. lol.

Somehow I feel like a mini celebrity couple in church even since my dad happily shared about my relationship during service. Now it's always, where's you're boyfriend, where's ngiap? It's feels like I went from being me as me, as one whole and singular being, to being half of a whole. Maybe that's what they mean where they say 2 become 1. It was never 1/2 + 1/2 = 1. No, we came together, complete as our own person, but somehow being together makes you 1. And it feels like I can understand a little bit better how the holy trinity is 3 and yet they are 1, and yet there are 3. Hahaha. It's so abstract and yet so real. And it isn't reflected only in the questions. Sometimes, it scares me just how our hearts get tied together, and I finally understand what it means to be yoked together. You feel each other's happiness and joy, and also sadness and pain. It's like your emotions are your own, and yet, not really your own anymore. Haha. When I re-read what i'm saying, it sounds so abstract and silly, but it is true. I'm still trying to figure my way around this crazy complex simple thing called love. Trying not to lose who I am even as I'm walking down an unfamiliar path. It's bewildering at times. But God is in control, and He shall be the lamp unto my feet and light unto my path :)

Elizabeth chirped at 3:59 PM | No comments

All the talk about friendships and bgr has got me thinking.
When you're a cell leader and you're in a relationship. Do you still have friends? Kindred spirits?
I miss my peers. It's just so hard these years. We turn 21, all in different worlds. I almost wish we were 16 again. Almost. If not for the scars we carry that makes us who we are today.

Elizabeth chirped at 1:16 AM | No comments

Blogs went up and blogs came down. Yet this blog still stands. 7 years and counting. Why?
It isn't always easy, but a long time ago i promised myself to be as real as I can with the people around me. To be real with myself. Maybe it stems from the hurts from long ago. From the days when I was called a 'goody2shoes', and felt so upset, because it wasn't true. Because I struggle and I fall and I make mistakes like anyone else, and disregarding those flaws seemed to cheapen the beauty of growing from them. So I said I would always be true and always be real. But it's not always easy.

I should be preparing for tmr's sharing, but here I am, rambling at 1 am when i have to be up in 7 hours. I guess I miss thinking and reflecting in a space where there's no one but myself. Well.. there are teachers, and there are preachers. But I am neither. I am a cell leader. And I shall lead out of the scars I carry, and the wonderful grace of God upon my life. My message isnt loaded with scriptures. Just a lot of heart, and stories. Tales of a girl trying to find her place in the world. Honestly, I don't really know what I'm supposed to do despite all the trainings I've gone through. There's no secret formulae to obtain a 100% success rate. Half the time i'm acting on a whim and counting on the grace of God to multiply the little that i have to give. But that's the beauty of it all. To see Him use my 5 loaves and 2 fishes, and somehow feed the multitudes. To see how He can use my brokenness to reach out to another broken heart, and heal us both.

Ahh. God is good. Even if i dont always understand it all.

Elizabeth chirped at 12:46 AM | No comments

And today it struck me that I'm at the start of my twenties. While we can still be considered youths, i think we can hardly be considered teenagers anymore. It happens so gradually, sometimes you don't realize that you're fighting and operating on a different level. I guess that's the great thing about working with teens. Looking at them, I see flashes of myself and of us. It's the same and yet not the same. I sympathize with their heartache and struggles, as trivial as it may now seem, because I know how real the pain of growing up can be. But i've moved beyond these issues, or so I like to think, even if they still come back to haunt me sometimes. Maybe that's what leaders are. They are not necessarily the ones with the best capabilities or who excelled at everything. They are simply those who have struggled and who overcame. And they lead out of the scars they bear.

When I was younger, I had no idea who I was, what I cared for, or what I could do. It was through lots of hits and misses over the years that I came to discover that youth ministry is where I want to be. It's truly a joy to know where you want to be and to be where you want to be. And to be there at 19, it was enough. But at 20, you need to find out what you cared for, or could do, in terms of something that could bring the money in. Every semester that goes by is another semester closer to having to make that decision. Isn't it scary that I still have no idea and no plans? So it is, that this year shall be the start of my quest to figure that out. Welcome to the twenties.

Elizabeth chirped at 2:46 PM | No comments

Ever so often, we think about the road not taken.

Today we fought hard. We went into overtime, and scored in the last 30 seconds, but we did it and won, and I am proud to be on this team and proud of these girls. With this, we're into the finals and the end of the match on monday shall mark the official end of my hall life as well. It's great to see how everyone has improved, myself included. I'm still not great, but growth always leaves me with a sense of satisfaction because of all the tears and sweat that goes into it. I went from not being able to catch any balls, to being able to catch it 60% of the time. LOL.

Because of conversations today, I started thinking about the road not taken. What if I had stuck through with the IVP team last year? How much better would I be today, and how different would things be now? Maybe I would have been able to contribute more to the team. But then, maybe I wouldn't have met Ngiap, maybe my CAP will be as cui as it was, and maybe I wouldn't be serving in church. In light of these, if given the chance to make a choice again, I would still have chosen the same thing. It was a sound logical choice based on my values and so the answer would always be the same. To choose God and not anything that takes me further away from Him. I am so blessed where I am right now. My heart feels so full whenever I think about the abundance that God has poured into my life. It is a privilege and a blessing to have these young hearts entrusted into my care, and it is a privilege and blessing to have someone to go through all these with. God is so awesome. really.

So it is that I shall fight our finals, and then it's all in for POD youths this year! :D

Elizabeth chirped at 12:47 AM | No comments