Sometimes memories from long ago come back to haunt you. But they aint always bad. I've come so far, don't give up now. God has been good to me.
With my parents back, I've settled a couple of stuff. Just booked my BTT yesterday, and if all goes well I really want to get my license before school starts in august. And I've decided to apply for a teaching award with MOE. If i get it, it'll pay for my education, guarantee me a job after i graduate and i'll be able to keep staying in hall. Really praying that God will open the right doors and shut the wrong ones. When I was younger, and my mom wondered if any of us will follow her footstep and go into the education sector, I quickly and strongly said NO because I didn't want to be coerced into doing anything. But now, I'm not so sure. I can't really see myself teaching, but I quite like the idea of being able to interact with youths. Sometimes it feels like a person's fate rests largely upon what happens in his youth. Maybe if I can get to them while they are young, if I can get Jesus to them while they are young, the world will be a much better place. At least for that individual. Oh well, God knows best.
Every time I go to church or some church event, I continue to be inspired by the secellites. They remind me a lot about myself and how I was. They have the time and the willingness to do anything and everything, if only there was someone there to guide them and facilitate things for them. Such an amazing bunch of people, so ready to learn and be moulded into powerful tools for God. I remember when we were their age we were always complaining about the lack of things to do and turning up for every single conference/event there was. We didn't really understand ourselves very well or where fit in, but whatever it was, we knew that we wanted to become awesome for God and we couldn't wait to grow up and enter our destiny. Years passed, we grew up and understood ourselves better, but somehow it still feels like we're not quite there yet. And I wonder how long more will it take, and how satisfying it must be to finally reach there when i do because it was after years of frustrations and struggles.
During the period when we were talking about having a youth service and shifting from the small hall to the big hall, there was once when I stood alone in that big empty hall and imagined what it'll be like to have the hall totally filled with young people praising and worshipping God's name. Or how about, the combined (big+small) hall filled with young people? That image stirred something in my heart and I fervently prayed that we'll get there someday. And then youth service started, and things were quite mehh for awhile, and I let myself be engrossed with uni life. But then, this year something changed. We're starting to pack the hall, and I was reminded of the imagery I had. Reality is coming close to the pretty image I had in mind, except that the music is still not quite there, and.. I'm quite surprised that we didn't do anything. Nothing really changed except that we crossed over to the new year. We're doing what we've always been doing, but somehow people are coming. Seems to me that we don't need the best plans or best anything. All we needed was for God to decide it was time and start bringing people in on His own, and passion will ignite passion till we've got a nice robust bonfire going on. Quite cool eh.
I think i'm rambling. Haven't been getting enough sleep despite the constant perfect weather for sleeping.
Gotta be strong and self reliant, because you're on your own (more or less) now. Just you and me God. Just you and me.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
And it ends, as abruptly as always. And somehow we're suppose to go about our lives as if nothing's changed.
So we lost by 1 point after going into extra time. It's different when you're watching as a bench warmer instead of a spectator, even if you are a spectator supporting your own team. You live and breathe the team on court and you feel their fears and frustration even if you're not in it, because you are one. And at this point of time, I think I really understand the whole 'one body one part hurts everything else hurts' analogy.
I could talk about how far we've come (perhaps more so for freshies), from knowing nothing about handball to slowly being able to understand and play this complex multi-tasking game. But you know, skills will fade as our body degenerates. What stays with me is the memory of us running up the PGP slope, of every ball dropped and every shot scored. It is the countless 'jiayous', 'good shot', 'good D' and 'good save' that lingers. I got to experience a culture of passion, discipline and encouragement, and that changes me on the inside.
I don't know if we'll ever form another team as good as this one. I hope so, but it'll be hard because they've set the standards high. So right now I'm just thankful to have been able to rub shoulders with the best.
It's alright girls, you are still awesome to me! :)
So we lost by 1 point after going into extra time. It's different when you're watching as a bench warmer instead of a spectator, even if you are a spectator supporting your own team. You live and breathe the team on court and you feel their fears and frustration even if you're not in it, because you are one. And at this point of time, I think I really understand the whole 'one body one part hurts everything else hurts' analogy.
I could talk about how far we've come (perhaps more so for freshies), from knowing nothing about handball to slowly being able to understand and play this complex multi-tasking game. But you know, skills will fade as our body degenerates. What stays with me is the memory of us running up the PGP slope, of every ball dropped and every shot scored. It is the countless 'jiayous', 'good shot', 'good D' and 'good save' that lingers. I got to experience a culture of passion, discipline and encouragement, and that changes me on the inside.
I don't know if we'll ever form another team as good as this one. I hope so, but it'll be hard because they've set the standards high. So right now I'm just thankful to have been able to rub shoulders with the best.
It's alright girls, you are still awesome to me! :)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
A clean sheet this time round, and with this we're through to the semis! Halfway there! :)Due to some strange happenings in the other group, we're going to meet our old nemesis tmr at the semis instead of the finals. It's make it or break it at THE match tmr! Kinda nervous even though I wont get much play time. I didn't get the nickname 'Elizablur' for nothing and I don't want to be the weakest link tmr. Well even if I am, I want to be a strong weak link. Geddit? hahah
I still can't decide if handball is a gift or a distraction. But no matter, just like Weiwey said, we're going to play UNTO God's glory. I'm not fast or strong, and too blur on court for my own good, but I thank God for making me tall and for giving me an able body. And as we make use of the things we've been given to paint a beautiful picture of teamwork and synchrony, therein lies God's glory and master design. As I run and push my body to its limits, I will do so with joy and I will rejoice in the beauty of His creation and the chance to experience it all. I've been wrong a thousand times before, but this time I'm bringing Him in. Where I once was in control, I now cede it.
We all sacrificed so much for this, now c'mon!
Raffles Handball Girls FTW!!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
It's slow, but I am picking myself up again :)
Something broke through as I was showering today (funny how inspirations always come from the toilet huh). I finally admitted to myself that while I had an amazing semester 1, it was a semester that didn't have God in it and I was just building up my own kingdom. There were some nice quiet moments with God sure enough, but most of the time I was just preoccupied with clearing my list of things to do and getting intoxicated with each new experience. Your heart knows when something is not right. I knew I was starving my spirit man, but I always blamed it on someone else. A few days ago, I even blamed God.
You don't realize it at first because it happens it happens so gradually. It's only in the brief moments when I hang out with church people do I realize that something is amiss. But even then, it took many of such moments before I realized that I had been successfully socialized into uni life and now had a very monetary/practical way of looking at things. It made me angry to see how I've become the very thing I didn't want to become, and I put the blame on God. I didn't want to come to uni rmb? I said You just had to say the word, and I'll skip uni altogether. Because I knew it was highly probably that I'll get lost in the world and I was afraid. But no, You had to bring me here, now look what happened D:<
But I know that that's not true. I know that there's no one I can blame but myself for the pit I am in. Because God's word is true, and His ways are higher, and He doesn't tempt us. It's so difficult to get back to reading the bible and praying when God seems so far away. And so yesterday I did the one thing I could muster up willpower to do, I picked up a christian book and started reading. And it told me in a very in-your-face kind of manner, that life isn't about us. And I suppose, that eventually led to my toilet inspiration today.
It's quite simple really. In secondary school, I was always inviting God into everything I did. Inviting Him into my studies and into my class, inviting Him into my trumpet playing and into band. But so far in Semester 1, I haven't really invited God into much. And so my plan is quite simple, it's to invite God in this semester. Into my studies, into my hall life and hall activities and into my friendship. It was never really about choosing between school and church. It was simply learning to have God in everything you do, and doing what God wants you to do.
Step 1 of my grand action plan? Grab a friend and pray before our semis on monday. I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier when I always did this before performance/competitions in band last time. Hahaha. As you know, the weather has been really bad recently. So when it starts drizzling during training, a long blade of grass will be plucked and then tucked into someone's pony tail. I don't know where that idea came from, perhaps it's just superstition. But since I'm a christian, I should do it the 'christian' way and just pray for good weather right? hahah
Alright. Keeping my fingers crossed! Hope inspiration and courage doesn't die out on me halfway!
Something broke through as I was showering today (funny how inspirations always come from the toilet huh). I finally admitted to myself that while I had an amazing semester 1, it was a semester that didn't have God in it and I was just building up my own kingdom. There were some nice quiet moments with God sure enough, but most of the time I was just preoccupied with clearing my list of things to do and getting intoxicated with each new experience. Your heart knows when something is not right. I knew I was starving my spirit man, but I always blamed it on someone else. A few days ago, I even blamed God.
You don't realize it at first because it happens it happens so gradually. It's only in the brief moments when I hang out with church people do I realize that something is amiss. But even then, it took many of such moments before I realized that I had been successfully socialized into uni life and now had a very monetary/practical way of looking at things. It made me angry to see how I've become the very thing I didn't want to become, and I put the blame on God. I didn't want to come to uni rmb? I said You just had to say the word, and I'll skip uni altogether. Because I knew it was highly probably that I'll get lost in the world and I was afraid. But no, You had to bring me here, now look what happened D:<
But I know that that's not true. I know that there's no one I can blame but myself for the pit I am in. Because God's word is true, and His ways are higher, and He doesn't tempt us. It's so difficult to get back to reading the bible and praying when God seems so far away. And so yesterday I did the one thing I could muster up willpower to do, I picked up a christian book and started reading. And it told me in a very in-your-face kind of manner, that life isn't about us. And I suppose, that eventually led to my toilet inspiration today.
It's quite simple really. In secondary school, I was always inviting God into everything I did. Inviting Him into my studies and into my class, inviting Him into my trumpet playing and into band. But so far in Semester 1, I haven't really invited God into much. And so my plan is quite simple, it's to invite God in this semester. Into my studies, into my hall life and hall activities and into my friendship. It was never really about choosing between school and church. It was simply learning to have God in everything you do, and doing what God wants you to do.
Step 1 of my grand action plan? Grab a friend and pray before our semis on monday. I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier when I always did this before performance/competitions in band last time. Hahaha. As you know, the weather has been really bad recently. So when it starts drizzling during training, a long blade of grass will be plucked and then tucked into someone's pony tail. I don't know where that idea came from, perhaps it's just superstition. But since I'm a christian, I should do it the 'christian' way and just pray for good weather right? hahah
Alright. Keeping my fingers crossed! Hope inspiration and courage doesn't die out on me halfway!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
First Handball Match today! Look at our red shoes+long shorts+high socks and happy faces at having cleared part 1/4 of our journey to the top! :) I like how the lighting hides our ugly tan. ahahhahahh!I know we just started, but I'm already thinking about how we only have 3 matches and 1 week left before everything is over. I'm getting ready for the post competition feeling to hit once our nights are suddenly free of trainings. It should be similar to the post-syf syndrome right? Except that with a smaller group of people, the bonds are tighter so maybe it'll be worse. Sighhh, I'll miss everyone! To be honest, it wasn't really the sport that got to me but the people :/
Well, 1 week left! Enjoy the pressure, the camaraderie and the adrenaline rush while it lasts!
Raffles Handball FTW! :D
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sem 2 starts today!
And I finally get a few hours to sit around and do nothing because our (first) match got postponed due to bad weather! Hahha, it's in my genes to keep filling my time up with things (like my mom) and also to find pleasure in just nuaing (like my dad). In a strange way, it gets easier to understand your parents when you understand yourself. hahhha.
Sometimes it's quite scary to be grown up. Not that I am, legally or mentally. But one minute ago, I came to the startling realization that there isn't really an authoritative figure in my life anymore. With my parents overseas, I've been making most of my decisions purely on my own for about a year now. And with the change in cell leaders as well as my own questionable position in youth, somehow i just ended up being out here on my own. Having always lived under the covering of someone else, this is quite shocking indeed. I suppose at some point of time, everyone has to go from being chosen (by mentors and waiting for people to identify you) to choosing (our own values and identifying for ourselves mentors who display those values). It's so duhhh i know, but it just takes a little getting used to. I almost wish I was 15 again, but that's just dumb because I waited so long to grow up, be independent and become an amazing person. Oh the irony of life.
Time to go deep and get anchored in Christ.
He'll be my only redemption when I'm completely immersed in this dog eat dog world.
And I finally get a few hours to sit around and do nothing because our (first) match got postponed due to bad weather! Hahha, it's in my genes to keep filling my time up with things (like my mom) and also to find pleasure in just nuaing (like my dad). In a strange way, it gets easier to understand your parents when you understand yourself. hahhha.
Sometimes it's quite scary to be grown up. Not that I am, legally or mentally. But one minute ago, I came to the startling realization that there isn't really an authoritative figure in my life anymore. With my parents overseas, I've been making most of my decisions purely on my own for about a year now. And with the change in cell leaders as well as my own questionable position in youth, somehow i just ended up being out here on my own. Having always lived under the covering of someone else, this is quite shocking indeed. I suppose at some point of time, everyone has to go from being chosen (by mentors and waiting for people to identify you) to choosing (our own values and identifying for ourselves mentors who display those values). It's so duhhh i know, but it just takes a little getting used to. I almost wish I was 15 again, but that's just dumb because I waited so long to grow up, be independent and become an amazing person. Oh the irony of life.
Time to go deep and get anchored in Christ.
He'll be my only redemption when I'm completely immersed in this dog eat dog world.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
I'm reminded of the days when we turn up for band practice even though we were sick and couldn't play, just to watch what was happening so you don't miss out. That was the level of commitment that was expected from us, and that was what we gave. It's been awhile since anyone expected that level of commitment from me nor gave me a reason to give that kind of commitment. Handball does. But i don't know.
Nothing really comes close to the euphoria I get from making awesome heartfelt music as a group. You get an adrenaline rush, goose bumps come out, your heart feels like it's melting as you soar together with the music. I miss that, the beauty of excellence in music. These days i'm just scrapping by, making music that just barely manages to hold it all together. Where has the beauty of the unseen gone? Zzz. Oh well, onto other things.
For most things there are good days and bad days. Today's a good day for handball, and I got to clear up important nitty gritty details about what I'm supposed to do. It gives me a little more hope and purpose, so long as I get to repeat this at IHG. Really not sure how things might turn out and what my decision might be. Time will tell, for now just jiayou!
Nothing really comes close to the euphoria I get from making awesome heartfelt music as a group. You get an adrenaline rush, goose bumps come out, your heart feels like it's melting as you soar together with the music. I miss that, the beauty of excellence in music. These days i'm just scrapping by, making music that just barely manages to hold it all together. Where has the beauty of the unseen gone? Zzz. Oh well, onto other things.
For most things there are good days and bad days. Today's a good day for handball, and I got to clear up important nitty gritty details about what I'm supposed to do. It gives me a little more hope and purpose, so long as I get to repeat this at IHG. Really not sure how things might turn out and what my decision might be. Time will tell, for now just jiayou!
Monday, January 03, 2011
Sunday, January 02, 2011
If only the earth would open up and swallow me whole.
Such was my embarrassment at my stupidity today.
I debated between going to church and for handball friendly for the longest time before finally deciding to go for half of both. So this morning I happily took a bus to hall only to realize that i left my hall key at home (again)! Maybe God was punishing me. For compromising on the Sabbath. The last (and first) time I tried something like this, I totally wasted my whole day too. Sighhhhh. Seriously felt like slapping myself.
So i thought I'll skip handball and just be a good girl and head to church on time. But then my captain called to say that my coach was willing to pick me up from my house. Well, if my team wanted me there, then I guess I'll be there. But at least let me save some face by cabbing down instead of being picked up. So it was that I ended up back in school playing handball (really badly too), and I was too shame-faced and awkward to leave till i had at least attempted to be useful to the team. But since I suck, that ended up taking more time than expected and it was too late to go for service. Which made me feel awkward and ashamed too when I met the church peeps. Sighhhhhh.What wouldn't I give to restart the day and make things right. But it's over, and all I can do is to move on and not make the same mistake again. Sighhh.
And now.. I'm considering dropping handball after IHG. It's not like handball demands more than band ever did from me. It's just that, for some reason handball keeps clashing with church stuff. And besides, I don't think I'm really cut out to do sports. Over the past 3 months I've gotten a lot fitter but not much better at the game. How how how? Where's my place? Where do I fit in? Where am I needed?
Some how I think this will be a year of struggles and temptations for me. Bleaaaah. But with it comes the fruit of struggle too i guess. Oh God help me.
Such was my embarrassment at my stupidity today.
I debated between going to church and for handball friendly for the longest time before finally deciding to go for half of both. So this morning I happily took a bus to hall only to realize that i left my hall key at home (again)! Maybe God was punishing me. For compromising on the Sabbath. The last (and first) time I tried something like this, I totally wasted my whole day too. Sighhhhh. Seriously felt like slapping myself.
So i thought I'll skip handball and just be a good girl and head to church on time. But then my captain called to say that my coach was willing to pick me up from my house. Well, if my team wanted me there, then I guess I'll be there. But at least let me save some face by cabbing down instead of being picked up. So it was that I ended up back in school playing handball (really badly too), and I was too shame-faced and awkward to leave till i had at least attempted to be useful to the team. But since I suck, that ended up taking more time than expected and it was too late to go for service. Which made me feel awkward and ashamed too when I met the church peeps. Sighhhhhh.What wouldn't I give to restart the day and make things right. But it's over, and all I can do is to move on and not make the same mistake again. Sighhh.
And now.. I'm considering dropping handball after IHG. It's not like handball demands more than band ever did from me. It's just that, for some reason handball keeps clashing with church stuff. And besides, I don't think I'm really cut out to do sports. Over the past 3 months I've gotten a lot fitter but not much better at the game. How how how? Where's my place? Where do I fit in? Where am I needed?
Some how I think this will be a year of struggles and temptations for me. Bleaaaah. But with it comes the fruit of struggle too i guess. Oh God help me.
Saturday, January 01, 2011
Hello 2011!
Entering yet another new season in life as we hit the big TWO-O! Before we know it, we wont be youths anymore, we'll start working, getting married, starting a family, turning 30, 40, 50 and so on. Okay, so maybe we're dramatizing the whole twenty thing a bit too much. But really, growing up is no easy feat, and after struggling for so many years, it's nice to know that you're at least at the beginning of the end (for the young part of your life anyway). No more puberty, no more struggling with love and acceptance, identity and self esteem and finding your place in the world. Not that I'm totally over it, i think I'll still struggle a fair bit more, but well at least it seems like the end isn't so elusive anymore. Haha.
With age comes freedom, maturity and responsibilities. It's not too bad. But we've also lost that childlike faith and wonder. Which is why it's nice to hang out with secellities, coz they remind you of the youthful vigor and excitement you once had, and also a reminder of just how far you've come. Maybe that's why the leaders like to hangout with their sheeps even though they're like a decade older. Hahhahaha.
Can't believe I'll still feel this at my age, but I'm dreading the start of school! Which is totally illogical because I'll be studying interesting stuff and as an arts student it's not like i have a terrible packed or heavy workload. Hahhahahah. Oh yea, and i'll be going cambodia for yep, so things should be quite exciting. But but but, it's the whole "church people syndrome" thing coz of December! :(
Oh shush!
Happy New Year everyone! :)
Entering yet another new season in life as we hit the big TWO-O! Before we know it, we wont be youths anymore, we'll start working, getting married, starting a family, turning 30, 40, 50 and so on. Okay, so maybe we're dramatizing the whole twenty thing a bit too much. But really, growing up is no easy feat, and after struggling for so many years, it's nice to know that you're at least at the beginning of the end (for the young part of your life anyway). No more puberty, no more struggling with love and acceptance, identity and self esteem and finding your place in the world. Not that I'm totally over it, i think I'll still struggle a fair bit more, but well at least it seems like the end isn't so elusive anymore. Haha.
With age comes freedom, maturity and responsibilities. It's not too bad. But we've also lost that childlike faith and wonder. Which is why it's nice to hang out with secellities, coz they remind you of the youthful vigor and excitement you once had, and also a reminder of just how far you've come. Maybe that's why the leaders like to hangout with their sheeps even though they're like a decade older. Hahhahaha.
Can't believe I'll still feel this at my age, but I'm dreading the start of school! Which is totally illogical because I'll be studying interesting stuff and as an arts student it's not like i have a terrible packed or heavy workload. Hahhahahah. Oh yea, and i'll be going cambodia for yep, so things should be quite exciting. But but but, it's the whole "church people syndrome" thing coz of December! :(
Oh shush!
Happy New Year everyone! :)
Subscribe to:
Comments
(
Atom
)