I thought 2010 was an amazing year. But 2011 sounds like it's going to be just as amazing if not more, although in a different sense. Maybe it's just a whole season of being young and independent. Freedom empowers you to do a lot more and live the way you want, for better or for worse. Haha, I'm quite excited! Keeping my fingers crossed that all these won't bubble into nothing (again)!

Kinda hard to believe that at the start of the year I was trapped in my happy tungling bubble with my awesome tungling friends, and everything was calm and happy. Then came the period of anxiety and lostness as I waited and waited for a place in uni. When I finally got in, it was a whole new exciting world and I got totally swept away in it (as always). But with the excitement of uni life also came the frustration of the blandness of our youth group. I mean I've gone through dry seasons in our youth group before and held on, but I wasn't sure how much more I could take before I give up. Then just before the year ended and I thought all was lost, God pulled a stunner on me in the form of the miraculous PoD youth camp. And just like that, I found my hope soaring and rising above me before I could even pause to take a reality check.

Please please please God, cause an explosion. My heart will wither up and die if nothing happens again. We're a stiff necked stubborn bunch, me more so than others. But all that i have, imperfect as i may be, I give it to you. Let it be enough, because you are more than enough. So explode, just explode!

2011 be different!
(fingers crossed!)

Elizabeth chirped at 1:32 AM | No comments

I slept a lot after coming back from camp. Waking and dreaming and falling back to sleep.

I had a dream that a chatbox suddenly popped up on my computer. It was from God, in answer to something I was thinking. I can't rmb what we were talking about, except that it was cool and fun to know that God heard what I was thinking about and God answers. Through msn. Hahhahahha.

But the dreams after that weren't so pleasant. It was always dreams of battling some kind of spirit or force. Sometimes alone, sometimes with others. It always took awhile before we figured out how to defeat the spirit. The funny thing is, in all the dreams I had, I wasn't afraid. It was simply another battle, another fight, as if this was part of my everyday life. I didn't despair, I simply waited and held on till the answer came.

Just thought I'll record it here for future references if needed. Hah.

Elizabeth chirped at 3:19 PM | No comments

I can imagine sharing my life with others, sharing my experience with others. It doesn't matter when, it doesn't matter where. I travelled across singapore for the lamest reasons before and I can do it again. I'm a complete sucker for solidarity. Now if only they were always the way they are in camps, if things do not die down or die out, if there was a group of people who wanted what I wanted, if You would give me enough of Your spirit to do what You have called me to do...

I would quit hall.
If that was what You wanted, if that was what was needed.
Just give me a team and ideas. A radical team with radical ideas.

So let me be a part of what You're doing
Sanctify my hands my heart my mind
I want to stand in purity and righteousness
This life is all for you

Elizabeth chirped at 2:57 PM | No comments

Back from an awesome camp! :)

Expectations for the camp? I didn't really have any. Maybe everything will be a mess. Maybe the campers will peak too late again. I didn't need another touch or word or encounter with God for myself. I just needed to see something happen to us as a youth ministry. It was my last shot. If something didn't happen, I think my frustrations would have pushed me to.. leave perhaps.
And look what I saw, oh look what i saw!

God came and swept through the room, working in all, working even in the P6s. Despite our mess and inabilities, we were not forgotten, we were not too weak to be used by a mighty God. It gives me hope. Perhaps 2011 will be an amazing year after all. Coz if God is with us, things will change, things will move. And we'll be up for an exciting crazy adventure :)

Camp wise, it was my first time being in the committee. I was seriously frustrated by the last minute nature of things, the mismatch and the lack of supervision. I thought we may end up being an epic joke. But no, by the grace of God, it somehow turned out okay. Considering the amount of time we had to plan, I would say that this was quite a success. It's a pity that I didn't get to interact one on one with the campers as much as I would have liked to. While shuttling between games and worship, I was barely there for my group which means I missed out on group solidarity, which makes me feel kinda weird :/ Haha and in the process I discovered that I'm impatient, have no affinity with logistics and still have problems communicating verbally. Much room to grow! lol

Today's discusion got me looking at the outreach dept in a different way. I always assumed that the youth didn't care for outreach and we were fighting a losing battle. But no, some are really just waiting for us to step in and give them a platform to reach out. Okay so Isaiah may have mentioned that before. But hearing it from the ground lends it a face. Hmm, time to get active again.

So camp imdifferent was a success! :D
Back to hall for training tmr, zzz. I feel unfit already from just one week of inactivity.

Elizabeth chirped at 10:01 PM | No comments

(Missing Pic)
Camp Henotes 2004

Camp Halieus 2005

Camp Rising to my Calling 2006

Camp iFaith 2007

Camp Plentitude 2008

Camp Liv' it! 2009
-From a camper, to GL and now to games com. How things have change. My 7th youth camp starts tmr! Somehow not knowing how everything works lends camp an air of mystery and expectancy. Kinda like food. But once you get involved in the kitchen, things change. Planning a camp is hard work, and I think we know what we're doing only half the time. The other half is spent crossing your fingers and hoping that God turns up to take the little that you have and make it into something spectacular simply because God is God. hahahah.

Please come, please show up. Please let it drizzle, please just do Your work.
May camp imDifferent be different! :)

Elizabeth chirped at 6:53 PM | No comments

I am not enough. Not enough to do whatever I'm supposed to do. Not enough for everyone around me. I am not enough.
I came for you.
I am not enough.
I came for you.
I am not enough.
I know, so I came for you, when you were not enough. I saw how you were trying to reach me but couldn't. So I came for you. Hope came on Christmas. I came for you. I came for you.
I. Came. For. You.
--
It was like a scene from Narnia. Me cowering on a rock, filthy and too weak to move anymore. I waited with bated breath for my enemy to swoop down and finish me. But just then, a lion leaped infront of me, planting himself between me and my enemy. With a mighty roar he fought off my enemy. Then he put me on His back and climbed down the mountain. As I clung to his shoulders, I watched the way his muscles flexed and extend with every step he took and was keenly aware of the might and majesty of the beast that came for me.
I fight for you.
--
It was too much to bear. Too much. So I squatted in a corner with my head buried between my knees as hot tears came rolling down. A part of me wanted to hide, while the other part wanted to be found. Then He came, quiet and gentle, and raised me to my feet. He took my hands, placed it on his shoulders and pulled me into a warm embrace.
I hold you.
Then he pulled back, looked at my tear stained face and he kissed me.
I love you.

Elizabeth chirped at 5:28 AM | No comments

Someday I'll decorate my room/house like that. Christmas lights always give me a warm fuzzy feeling :) Well I finally did my christmas shopping today after being released from hall. It isn't much, but at least it'll put a smile on people's faces even if it's just for a second. Haha :) Learning to give, I feel like I've grown a bit more just by doing this. Heh.

2 more days to christmas!

Elizabeth chirped at 3:39 AM | No comments

I dreaded 2010 even before it came, because I knew it was going to be awkward and uncomfortable.
What I didn't expect was for the changes to be this great, and it's by the grace of God that I survived. I'm quite amazed and proud of myself, so much so that I feel like weeping. It's partly because in seeing my strengths and weaknesses, I've come to gain a respect for myself. But it's also because I may have come far, but I came alone. And that nearly kills me.

While I'm proud of having endured the dreaded changes, I'm quite ashamed of how I've handled them. So many new things, but not a single one done well. Still not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. They try to mask their impatience and disappointment, but I know it. Because I expected the same of myself, and the disappointment I feel must surely be like theirs. Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. And it's tempting to give up and give in to the pressure. You are alone anyway. Alone, alone, alone. You should just hide yourself and stop trying to do anything. A disappointment, and alone.

I fight these thoughts as best as I can. Somedays I win, somedays I lose. On the days that I'm losing, on days like today, I need You so much closer. I need You to tell me that I matter, that You love me. But my heart has lost it's hearing, and everything gets stuck at the head. Teach me to listen again, teach me to be still. Fix me, for I am broken.

Elizabeth chirped at 10:28 AM | No comments

Tonight, I just want to let you know that I'll give it all up for you again if you asked me to.
Because beneath all that layers, the heart still remembers the feeling of a soul fully awake. It remembers that there is a God who loves and Whose word endures forever. I may never be this fit ever again and I'll surely miss the camaraderie. But if you asked me to drop everything and come to school for nothing else but an education, even if it hurts, I'll do it. Coz there is nothing better than living for you.
Just so you know.

P.S there is a lizard hiding behind my books and it's creeping me out. I hope that it'll be gone when I wake tmr pls.
Goodnight :)

Elizabeth chirped at 1:21 AM | No comments

I couldn't sleep, so I took a walk down memory lane.

Haha, we were such enthusiasts. Well, I was such an enthusiast. I was there for every conference, every camp, every activity Secell had to offer as long as I was available. I never said no, so I was always there even when my friends weren't. When things weren't exciting or fun, when Secell was going through a rough patch, I was there. I don't think anybody else has been to church in uniform more times than me up till today, coz I was coming for everything despite having band as a cca. I gave my teenage years to church and got so much more in return. Blessings upon blessings, and favor amongst those in authority. I may have cried, whined and complained like crazy, but still I never stop going. Because amidst all the activities and what not, I knew without a doubt that I had encountered something real, something worth pursuing even if I was down to my very last breath.

That was me. And I believe that that same person is still alive somewhere within me even now. I would so like to quit and give up because it's easier. But I can't, not while there's still breath within me, not while I can still remember and recall how good God has been to me. Even if I can't seem to reach Him or hear Him now, and even if I'm crazily frustrated with my circumstances, once you've tasted the goodness of God you cannot deny Him. Not without lying to yourself. You may get really really good at lying and hardening your heart, but still it lingers. Still it creeps back into your mind in your most vulnerable of moments.

Go on, go on.
Keep dreaming, keep believing.
God is God.

Elizabeth chirped at 12:25 AM | No comments

It's like an infection. Festering. Ugh.
I.. don't know what's happening to me. Am i terribly wrong and lost? I hope I am. And I hope something happens, I hope someone will save me from myself.

The moment I got off stage, I had a super strong urge to swear off playing the keyboard until something changes. I hated this. I hated myself for giving this s**t to God. I don't care if no one in the congregation notice, or if everyone notices. The fact is, I knew that we could do so much better. I knew that I could do so much better. But all I've been giving God is a half-assed job, and I despised myself for doing so. So what if I have progressed a lot? Gone are the days when I felt nervous just to be on stage, or when I hid in the toilet to cry after messing up on stage. I am more confident of my playing now, but I've stop aspiring to do better since no one cares. It is not technicalities that kills me. It is the death of dreams and excellence that's eating my heart. When you stop dreaming, that's when you really die.

There's so much frustration and discontentment within me, and I know I should channel them in a positive way. But I don't know how. I don't know how. I don't know how. There's a battle raging within me, and the good man is dying. Sometimes I wonder why do we have to keep fighting if Christ already gave us victory? Why must everything be so darn difficult?

I half suspect that I am wrong, that my thinking is wrong and that I'm being selfish. But these thoughts have been repeating in my head for so long now that it's all that I can see. I am living a lie, a sham, and my soul is hungry for something genuine, something pure and holy. My heart remembers the call for radical and authentic christianity. But too many struggles and failures have made it jaded and weary.

I am sorry that this is all I amounted to. That after so many years in church and being fed and mentored like crazy, after all the prophecies and prayers, that this is all I amounted to. A jaded cynical christian with no fruit in sight. I am sorry.

Maybe there will be better and brighter days ahead. But tonight it's dark. My heart is heavy and my thoughts are dark.
I am sorry friends, and I am sorry God.
Tomorrow will be a better day.

Elizabeth chirped at 8:24 PM | No comments

I survived a japanese game show handball PTs!
So my body is aching like crazy, but I've never felt fitter in my life.
Haha i know the idea of me doing sports is so ridiculous, it's no wonder people are laughing. But heck, that's not going to make me regret my decision.

Honestly, I am quite surprised by the amount of effort I am putting into handball. It's 101%, just like the way I was in SMSB. As a self-professed slacker and lazy bum, it's quite amazing to see how willing I am to go the extra mile the moment a vision is caught and an interest ignited. Or maybe I just like the feeling of contributing to the team at the ground level under good leadership. Whatever the case, I think perhaps it's time to check my attitude towards church because the contrast is getting so great, I'm starting to worry.

As a musician, I used to feel sad that nobody understood how much time and effort it took to perfect our art. I thought lesser of sports people who thought lesser of us. Just because you're stronger and fitter than us, it doesn't mean than we're weaker than you as a person. But after all these trainings, I realized that I never understood their world either. They are not lacking in character anymore than us because these physical exercises really pushes your limits and you have to be of a certain calibre to keep going. So you see, we really shouldn't be so quick to judge another when we have never been through what they've been through.

Ahhh well, time for a well deserved rest over the weekend before training continues again next week! :)

Elizabeth chirped at 11:57 PM | No comments

There's that moment between dreaming and waking, when your defenses are down and your mind wanders, to all the things that should have or could have been. When all the stuff you didn't want to think about comes rushing back to memory. Sometimes you think about a quarrel you had, or something stupid that you did. Then, there are those rare moments when there's nothing bad or nothing good to think about because all is well. Or so it seems and so it should be. Except that you find your heart still roaming, your soul still searching, your mind still wandering. You can't place your finger on it and you try to rationalize it away, but deep down inside, right deep in your gut, you know that something is missing.

And you are right.
And that's how I've been feeling since exam ended.

Some people think that it's loneliness speaking and maybe it's time to get attached. And maybe I would have agreed if I hadn't known any better. But I know what this is. I am craving for a deep intimacy, to know and be known. To explore another's heart and soul and every hidden thing in its depth. And oh, to be known that way too! I think I've craved this my whole life, and it will not be satisfied by a relationship with a mere man. Because that ache was built into us long ago, by a force larger than ourselves. And we may try to dull it with many other things, but it will not rest and it will not go away until its original intention has been realized.
Because we were made to know love and intimacy with the One God in a beautiful exchange.

I miss having that fire in my belly and passion coursing through my veins, when we were bright eyed teenagers with big dreams from a big God. But now I feel old, older than I should be or that I am. As if premature aging has strike after repeated burials and revival of dreams, as if each disappointment and failure was a layer enveloping my heart, suffocating it slowly but surely. Yes I feel stronger now and more confident of my abilities, but I have not the courage nor the heart to pursue anything anymore. And so I dull my senses and move on to other things, but in those moments between dreaming and waking, the heart remembers, that it was made for something more.

But tonight something stirs. A little ray of hope is kindled again. There is so many layers to work through, I can barely hear Your voice and can hardly be moved anymore. But in the depths of my dark heart, a small light has dawned, bringing with it a desire to fight this, to break through the layers and to feel again. It's only a tiny spark now, but it shall grow from strength to strength to blaze with an intensity unlike any other.

For all it's worth, my wasted heart will keep loving You.

Elizabeth chirped at 11:57 PM | No comments

Hello lovely weather, you are finally on time after being late for the past few years. I've missed you.

Mmm, if my mom was home, we'll have a christmas tree in the hall complete with fake grass on the floor and lights that never fail to turn on every night. Maybe even the wind chime would be out now. And my dad would be sitting in the hall listening to oldies as a breeze blows through our house. Such is my memory of Decembers and Christmas. A time to unwind and soak in the lovely christmas ambience. But well, my parents are not here and my house is now a pigsty. Sighhh. I should get christmas lights and put in it my hall room to comfort me on chilly lonely nights. hahah.

Still, it's nice to be home with such lovely weather :)
It's threatening to turn me into a hermit. haha

Elizabeth chirped at 2:17 AM | No comments

Exams are over! I survived my first semester of uni! yayness! :D
But.. now what?

It's almost December, and it's raining.
I think, You are romancing me.
To be captivated by your beauty once again.

Elizabeth chirped at 4:19 PM | No comments

Elizabeth chirped at 9:39 PM | No comments

Haha, I finished 3 papers in less than 24 hours, and then i knocked out on bed.
God is good.
Even though the papers weren't that great, God is good. All the time :)
I survived.

Elizabeth chirped at 6:42 PM | No comments

2 hours before my first paper.
After being so apathetic for weeks, I'm starting to feel the jitters.
The words "what if", has got to be the 2 best words the enemy uses against us.
Haha, see i'm normal.

But God is awesome. My God is awesome.
So there!

Elizabeth chirped at 3:05 PM | No comments

Elizabeth chirped at 11:15 PM | No comments

I wish you girls know how amazing you are.
And I wish you guys would see how amazing these girls are tell them how amazing they are.
Not simply because of their looks, not because they are some baby-popping machine, not because they are here to make you feel good about yourself. But because we are all unique individuals created out of love and for love by an awesome God and we deserve to be treated and respected as such.

And I wish, that we could all stop worrying so needlessly about the transient future. Learn to trust yourself and the effort you have put in. And if somehow your knowledge or skill is not good enough, then it's not good enough. It's not the end of the world, it's not going to make you any lesser as a person. Everyone has their role and place in society, for how else would we function? But it's just that, a role, a job, and not who we are.

And dear God, I don't know who I should tell these things to. I'm confused about my role and my place here on earth and here in church. All I know is that these hard learned truths that you've written upon my heart are not meant to be kept hidden. So help me because I don't know how to help myself, and bring to me the people who need to hear these.

You are amazing.
I see your flaws.
But still.
You are amazing.
and.
Jesus loves you.

Elizabeth chirped at 10:23 PM | No comments

I never understood Ecclesiastes until now, when I finally read the message version of it.
It's like the epitome of my take on life at the moment.

Each day is God's gift. It's all you get in exchange
For the hard work of staying alive.
Make the most of each one!
Whatever turns up, grab it and do it. And heartily!
This is your last and only chance at it,
For there's neither work to do nor thoughts to think
In the company of the dead, where you're most certainly headed.

You who are young, make the most of your youth.
Relish your youthful vigor.
Follow the impulses of your heart.
If something looks good to you, pursue it.
But know also that not just anything goes;
You have to answer to God for every last bit of it.

Honor and enjoy your Creator while you're still young,
Before the years take their toll and your vigor wanes,
Before your vision dims and the world blurs
And the winter years keep you close to the fire.

The last and final word is this:
Fear God.
Do what he tells you.
And that's it. Eventually God will bring everything that we do out into the open and judge it according to its hidden intent, whether it's good or evil.

Elizabeth chirped at 9:44 PM | No comments

Can you guys tell?
Uni has been good for me. I am amazed by myself. Even my mom is impressed. Hahaha.
It's the end of sem 1 and all that's left is to take our final exams. And it makes me so proud to know that I have survived, and so thankful to God for going above and beyond what I ask for :)

I survived having 5 hall activities, tutoring 2 kids, teaching keyboard and doing the occasional outreach stuff, and having all these done without ruining my studies as badly as I thought I would have. Okay, to be honest I did break down 3 or 4 times and was desperately trying to hide the tears even as I clung onto Jesus for dear life. So Praise be to God, my light, my rock, my love! :)

Okay so maybe some of you would have noticed that I was kinda mia in church this sem. I wouldn't blame you for thinking that I got 'sucked' into school again, just like what happened in jc. But this time round, I think I really needed this. I needed to understand myself better, push my limits and find out my abilities. And I needed school to do this, because it's a fresh new place where I can be anyone I want to be, where I wouldn't impose the expectations of others upon myself.

So thank you God. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you! :D

Elizabeth chirped at 1:59 AM | No comments

Hahaha! Remember them!?
When I should have been mugging for A level's last year, I was busy watching the highly addictive Korean drama "You're Beautiful"! I went to my archives and found that on 7 Nov last year, I posted a scene from the pig-rabbit episode and said that I wanted one too! Symbolism of the cutest kdrama couple ever. Fangirl moment! hahahha. It's now slightly more than 1 year later, and I finally got my dwaeji-tokki! :D Now my Eeyore will have company! (hahha dannggg i know i sound like a retard talking about stuff toys and korean idols but whatever! haha)

a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgCGL6NkHxsn-U3NUoDguidCvtbfSYHM4o83SXiCPvBOki2t9sVG8TRmELcYPlJsg1ehRVv91kJ-ui8LoKMlF09WrkGtqC8_lnAILM_3vNXRHd5-A1hBccF9W1ENyjDzdkLAt0MA/s1600/Photo+on+2010-11-13+at+01.08.jpg">
So say hello to my new friend! :D

Okay, back to mugging :(

Elizabeth chirped at 1:09 AM | No comments

I could listen to this the whole day.

I just finished watching the video of our game against smu. Each time I heard my name being yelled out in the video, I cringed. It was sucky at that time, to be on court and hear the instructions being yelled out coz you were too blur to hear/follow it the first time. But having watched the video, i totally understand their frustrations now.

Don't you get it? We're a team. We're the body of Christ. Those here on earth now, those who have gone before, and those who are to come. We are one. And those who have gone before can only pass the baton to the present and hope they do a good job. They can only watch and pray that each time we fall, each time we make a mistake, we will pick ourselves up and continue the work that which they have started and gave their lives for. So c'mon, if you're done tending to your wounds, it's time to pick yourself up and keep going. That's the true test of strength and character.

Keep going. He is strong enough. He is in you. He who is in you is strong enough. Therefore, you are strong enough.
Keep going.
If you don't give up, you win.

Elizabeth chirped at 8:08 PM | No comments

Hello.

It's one of those days when uncertainty strikes, and you hear voices and verses of caution ringing in your head. and you wonder what the hell you're doing, with no clear plan or purpose, simply living each day at a time. It had seem so novel and radical then, but now you're just left, wondering.. and maybe wandering.

As i sat in the central library last night as part of my first attempt at mugging, i looked around at the many heads bowed in concentration and wondered where would i be if i had followed my whims and skipped university. I'm sure it would have been a worthwhile cause, but i would have missed the whole socialization process and opportunities to be found in uni life. Then i wondered what would study life be like if i had stuck to PFM instead of insisting on FASS. My career prospects look bleak, and i'm not sure if i even want to major in soci anymore. But i took a peep at what weiwey was studying, and decided that i still love my smokey arts subject more.

Today I had an interview to be part of the ocip team and as usual, didn't fare very well. Too be fair, I wasn't actually sure of what I was applying for. The application had been on a whim, part of clearing my list of things to do in uni. Well these days almost everything i do is done on a whim. Going the other extreme before I find a balance I guess. But that's the thing, when you do everything on a whim, you don't really know what the heck is it you're doing. And that troubles me because.. because i'm scared of seeing the tearful eyes of my savior telling me that i missed the only thing that really mattered.

On the other hand, I got back my SS project and geog project recently, and scored an A- and an A.
I don't know how to react to the results, because it's so unexpected and i don't dare to get my hopes up. If i do badly and screw everything up this sem, it's fair and deserving because I am a nut case this sem. But what if I actually did well? It would mean that God has been gracious to me (again!) when i've been a selfish freak who only knows how to break his heart. It would mean that His love is real and I cannot continue living the way I am living. It would also mean that I can actually do a lot more than I believe I can, and I do not dare embrace such an idea for its implications are too much too bear.

I've tried to be brave and strong for this whole new phase of life, and I think i have been brave and strong even if others think otherwise. But my eyes have taken to welling up with tears ever so often these days that I think I must be coming to the end of myself. If you want me to do anything more, God you've got to take over. I found the courage to jump the 3 steps that I think I can jump, and now God, you've got to run the remaining steps and make up for my inadequacies if i'm to land safely in your arms instead of rolling down the steps.

Yep amidst all these doubts and fears, there are many gems to be found in what I've been doing. Camaraderie. I think I live simply for these moments of friendships. Yes, they'll leave, everything is temporal. But for the moment, they are enough.

Elizabeth chirped at 2:35 PM | No comments

If I think about it, I'm almost totally independent now if I want to be.
If anything were to happen, and I had to survive on my own, I kinda could, for the next 3 years at least. My education is being paid for by a loan, which means that while I may not have the money to pay for it now, I'm technically paying for my school fees on my own since I have to return the loan anyway. And the money I make from giving tuition, is enough to pay for hall fees. So I could actually get kicked out of home the way the angmohs do right now and still survive, although it wouldn't be as comfortable as what I'm living now.

That thought is kinda scary and liberating at the same time. To be able to manage my own life even if I don't have to do it yet, only means that I have to do it soon. And I don't feel prepared to be an adult, I don't know if I'll ever know how to be an adult, I don't know if there's even such a thing as being an adult. We expect adults to be wiser and more mature and everything, but sometimes when you observe their behaviours, it feels lie the only difference is that their bodies have aged and their skills got better. But inside, they are still the same, with the same insecurities and stubbornness and pride as any young adult would. Okay, I'm totally generalizing and exaggerating I know. haha.

Maybe it's this thought, this expectation of "adult life" to be drastically different from all that I know now, it's driving me to do things I've never done before, and take up challenges just for the experience of it. Oh, To be young and alive! To be born able bodied into a privileged household full of opportunities! In a certain sense, making the most of what I have been given would lessen the heartache for those who are born with less wouldn't it? It's not their fault, and neither is it mine. But to have and to waste, it is better to not have at all.

I like soci. But I'm not sure if I've the brain to process the complex nature of society. It's like taking the red pill. Hahhaa. It's quite cool that we were talking about deviance and religion today. I learnt that deviance is necessary for social change. It's like so duh right? Until you wonder why you aren't doing anything to change the things you are unhappy with, then you would remember the implications of deviant behavior and the power of society. But if you think about it, Jesus exhibited deviant behavior. Hmmm.

I think I've had too much tea.

The truth is, I just want to be amazing.

Elizabeth chirped at 12:56 PM | No comments

Songs and more songs. One by one they get stuck and put on repeat in my head.
And guess what, they all happen to be about God's love. Seems like a theme to me :)

I think I've reached saturation point. These days we keep talking about stuff that we've already talked before. Stuff that I've already got the chance to weigh different opinions and formed my own. I feel like I'm saturated with knowledge and opinions, and something about me or my circumstance have to change before I get stagnant and die. Yes, i know that I'm probably being stupid to think that I know it all, and it's pride and foolishness, but this is what I feel and it's what's hindering me. But, God is amazing. Working in me even when I wasn't aware just how in need of surgery I am. So the theme is God's love. Something I've heard a thousand times before. But it's a little different this time.

Something has to change, and I think I'm on a quest to increase my capacity. Well after all, God is infinite while I am finite. There can never be enough to knowing God, never enough of loving Him or understanding how loved we are by Him. So take me deeper, deeper than I've been before.

Elizabeth chirped at 11:09 AM | No comments

What is love? We think we know it, but do we really? What is love?
I think the human heart is unable to fathom, to grasp just how high how deep how wide is the love God has for us. And so maybe it's God's way to show us a little at a time, to suit our level of understanding. Which means, even if you think you've encountered God, even if you've think you already understand His love, you don't. Or rather, you do, but there's still so much more you have yet to see. So don't stop seeking. No one has had enough yet. Drink and be filled. Seek and find. It's a quest of a lifetime, what is love really?

For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters cannot quench this love

You won't relent
Until You have it all
My heart is Yours

Elizabeth chirped at 11:48 AM | No comments

Like, WOW right?
And this is why "How He Loves Us" has been stuck in my head for 2 weeks now.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

I went to church yesterday with that testimony in my mind.
It was a great comfort to be in church. A refreshing change from constantly chionging one thing or another. To be in church again, it meant that i got through 3 intensive weeks, and now there's just 1 more to go. And to know that He loves me, He loves me, He loves me? It does funny things to my insides. hahaha.

Service started, and I was jumpy and happy inside, but just couldn't really reflect it on the outside. Maybe it was me, or maybe it was the music that felt like it wanted to lift off but couldn't so I couldn't too. And then, we hit the slower songs, and I started talking to God.

I know you love me so so much, and you've been amazingly good to me. And I want to love you in return but it seems so hard. I can't be like all those lovely woman of yours that I admire so much. I can't sing in wild abandonment the way Kim Walker does, or play the piano like Misty Edwards or use anything that you've given me well. But all that I have, even if it's just these half-assed talents, half-grown and half-nurtured, pitiful and so so lacking, if I take all these and give it to you, would it be enough? Because while I really wish I could be someone else, someone more talented or more faithful or more humble or just more of anything, I cannot be who I am not, and who I am is made up of all these half-done things. So imperfect and utterly lacking as it may be, if I give it all, can it please be enough?

And He said to me, it is enough.
It is enough, and you don't have to be anything more than you are. For my grace is sufficient for you. It is sufficient to make up for everything else you are lacking. And my power is made perfect in your weakness. Kim walker can be Kim Walker, and you can be you. People say that there's a God shaped hole in everyone's heart. Have you never considered that there's a YOU shaped hole in my heart? So it is enough. It is enough :)

hahha, you have to understand how much those 3 words mean to me. It's almost equivalent if not better than hearing the words I Love You. When you look at your life and how you keep falling short of your own expectations and people's expectations of you, and how this is true for every aspect of your life, the most soothing words you can hear is that it is enough. Many times we try so hard to be the good christian, to keep reading your bible daily, keep praying, keep your mouth and thoughts clean, and keep this and keep that, do this and do that, and we try to do it all through our sheer strength and will. I remember I got so tired of trying be good all the time that I wondered if it's okay to just be? And essentially that was what I was asking again, is it enough, to just be?
And He said, Yes! :D
hhaahahhahaha

And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me :)


We have got to do this song one day! Please!

Elizabeth chirped at 11:48 AM | No comments

How cute is it that my gmail is hazy like the weather?

Today I took a bus that brought me past SMSS, and immediately memories of my time there came flooding back. I have many good memories of my time there and I would even say that that's the period of my life that I'm the proudest of (if there's even anything worth being proud of at all in life). I was in love with God, having long conversations with Him on the bus. I was doing well in my studies and in band. But okay, to be fair, I was also having low self-esteem coz of puberty, but well, at least I wasn't disappointing anyone. I don't quite know how to explain my time there, but it was as if God blessed the school that was dedicated to Him, and in turn everyone who attended it came under His blessing as well.

3 years later, here I am in uni with a faltering walk, stepping on people's toes and just barely holding everything together. But you know what surprises me the most is the fact that despite how utterly bumbling I am, God's grace is still over my life and most evidently displayed by the people He has placed in my life.

Sometimes I think I'm terrible because I'm not the most sincere of persons. It's like, I'm nice to people only when I've time to spare or when inspiration strikes (aka when i'm in the mood to be nice). It's almost as if I don't have the capacity to love sincerely with all that I am. And so it amazes me that Suis can still drop me a nice lovely msg when I've hardly been talking to her at all. Or how Joey can stop what she's doing and listen to me when I need her even when I can hardly do the same for her. Or how zm never has a bad thing to say but quietly listens to the many questions and thoughts i have regarding church/christ/life. Or how michelle is so busy with work but can still stop to dispense straightforward rational advice regarding all things bewildering in my life. Or how anyone can even look up to me when I am such a flawed flawed human being.

It amazes me. And it seems to make everything alright. To know that I can be a shitty person and still be accepted. Not that it gives me a right to keep being a lousy human being, but it inspires me to improve myself for the sake of those who will accept me regardless of how i am. I think love is a stupid illogical thing, and God is the greatest fool of all. For loving me so unconditionally and unfailingly when I am such an ungrateful and heartless idiot. Yet I cannot deny that it is this biggest fool who can calm the raging storms in our hearts and minds and penetrate through the most guarded and hardened heart.
Ah, love's a mystery and i'm just a fortunate recipient of it.

Elizabeth chirped at 3:28 PM | No comments

I got a piggyback ride today!
By a girl! As part of training. hhahahhaha.

Ever since puberty when I shot up and got heavier, I've been quite conscious about my weight. Not because I wanted a stick thin body. I think I've got the right amount of fats. hah. But I was conscious in the sense that, I hated playing camp games that required me to be carried. I don't know why I was like that, just dumb and insecure I guess. For the record, I'm about 63kg now (surprise surprise!), and it's the heaviest I've ever been. But today I was piggyback by a girl. Haha. It doesn't seem like much, but it fixed something that I think has been broken inside of me for awhile now. Not just the ride, but I think Handball in general, seems to be fixing an insecurity I've been carrying around all this while.

Despite what people tell me, I never really liked being tall. There didn't seem to be much use for my height, except when I had to reach for certain stuff, or when I'm stucked in a crowded place and get to breathe 'fresher' air. I was decent at sports but never thought myself good enough to try out for anything when compared to my more athletic peers. But that's changing, and now I'm starting to see that they may be a use for my height after all. And I think delighting in the body that I've been given delights God as well. It's like learning to see what God sees when He looks at me. Fearfully and wonderfully made. Period.

It's not that I'm great at handball. I'm not. I still have butter fingers and can't seem to catch the ball or throw it properly. I don't have strength or agility like the others or even a good stamina. I'm the noisiest on court, because i exclaim whenever I drop/miss the ball, which happens all too often. They are always telling me "lift your hand higher, you're tall! move more sideways! Jump higher! Jump further! You've got long legs, use it!", which simply means that I'm not making use of the one good thing that I may potentially have. If I were them, I would think that I was a decent at sports, but not good enough. Too many flaws to be fixed. But for whatever reason, they seem to think that I have a chance at being awesome and keep encouraging me. I don't know if I'll ever live up to whatever they have in mind, but to be believed in, it does wonders to a pitiful soul. And to be able to watch how you're growing under the right kind of care, it makes you feel satisfied with yourself.

I knew that I was going to experience a lot of changes this year, but I never expected myself to change so much. Seems like God is doing something, even when I seem to be screwing everything up. God is good. Thank you :)

Elizabeth chirped at 12:18 AM | No comments

Born 19.10.91, turned 19 on 19.10.10.
hahah okay I just like all the 19s and the 10s :)
Birthdays are well, just birthdays. All the same, thank you to everyone who wished me well on this day :) Special mention goes to lovely hall peeps for waking up at such an unearthly hour, and to zm for the sincerest of presents :)
I could say a lot more and maybe I should, but that's all I'll say about the day.

Of greater weight on my mind is my studies. I've over committed my time and am now reaping the repercussions of it (don't I always?). And before it's too late, I sincerely wish to understand what I do not understand. Sighhhh. God I'm sorry. I have no rights to ask you since I keep screwing up on my own, but plsss help me. Because I am scared. Of wasted lives and dead flowers that bloomed halfway. Of the variable nature of life and the unchangingness of eternity. And of myself and all that is dark within me.

Elizabeth chirped at 10:12 AM | No comments

Coz we're only human.

What did you renounce when you said yes to Me? You didn't understand the full implications of your decision when you made it. But I did. I did, and I want to show you, how far I'll go to keep my word. I cannot be less than anything I am, You cannot change me. But You can move me. When you said yes, you were no longer one of them, but you became mine. Mine and mine alone. You don't have to slog as they do, and fret as they do. The day you turned to me, didn't I already tell you to throw it all away? Throw it all away and look at me. Cast away all those expectations that you feel you have to carry, and just carry mine alone. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Don't fret, child. Don't fret as everyone is doing. Be still, and know that I am God.

Elizabeth chirped at 1:39 AM | No comments

Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died,
And You met me between my breaking.
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.
...They want to tell me You're cruel,
But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...

Cause He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us.
Whoa! how He loves us.
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Elizabeth chirped at 2:04 PM | No comments

Screw this. Feeling the stress now.
How do you drop a responsibility without being a total ass?
At the rate i'm going, i'll be in many people's hate lists soon.

Elizabeth chirped at 12:25 AM | No comments

Sometimes I wonder if I know what I'm doing and whether I have everything under control.

Coincidence or not, I finished giving tuition to Pheobe last week which should free up my thursdays night only to be asked to attend extra handball training on thursdays (and mondays!). And I said yes, because sports is the road not taken and I want to see how far I can travel down this road (or maybe to inject some excitement in my life or purely for the sake of curiosity). In any case, I think I have too many activities and am probably going to screw up my studies for this semester. All pragmatic Singaporeans (and probably everyone I know for that matter) will frown upon my actions. But I see it as a challenge to myself (or maybe just an excuse) to see how much I can do with this last remaining little burst of carefreeness characterized by our youth before it's too late. It's probably foolishness, and I'm not even sure if God approves. But ah, to be young and daring. I'll just pick myself up after I fall. Hopefully it wont be too bad.

- 1 kid to tutor
- 1 keyboardist to raise up
- 1 team to lead (and doing a terrible job at it)
- 1 instrument to play
- 1 block to help out in
- 1 com to plan activities
- 1 ad hoc acoustic band
- 1 netball to have fun in
- 1 handball to fill 3/7 of my nights

Seriously, I'm asking for it :x

Elizabeth chirped at 11:05 PM | No comments

Geog Globalization Project!

Credit to Lesley! :D

Genes & Soc brochure!


Hahahahahhahaha! Sorry for shamelessly posting these! It's just quite liberating to have cleared my major submissions even if it's only for now! Still have lots more to do, but I think I'm quite awesome for managing all these despite my horrendously bad multi-tasking skills. Reminds me of my days in SMSB. Made it through by will power and the strength of God! But it came at the cost of, uhm, stepping on some people's toes. Sigh.

Elizabeth chirped at 1:28 PM | No comments

I miss you.
I don't exactly know who you are and I'm not sure if I've even met you yet. You could even be me. But whoever you are, I'm missing you. Coz I like the idea of you, but I don't know how to get there. Will you happen if I just wait for time to pass? Or is there something I'm suppose to be doing to make you come faster? In any case, I just know that I miss you right now.

Finally after chionging for 4 days, I can take a breather tonight.
In need of some 'me' time.
You know, I have a strange feeling that I'm going to have to keep staying in hall if I want to do well.

Elizabeth chirped at 9:15 PM | No comments

Happy 19th Birthday Melly!
(ahhahah! I love this picture!)
10 weeks of rooming together and many more to go! Thanks for putting up with me on my PMSy days and helping me pack breakfast whenever I can't wake up! Don't think I could have found a better roomie (although to be fair I think i'm a good roomie too, okay self praise! heh!). Kay, next week's your turn to have a killer week but don't get too stressed out! My turn to help you pack dinner! hahahahha! <3<3! :D

Elizabeth chirped at 8:30 AM | No comments

I like it when You are active in my life.
Or should i say, I like it when I'm active in Your work.
It's amazing that it goes both ways. It's amazing how alive I can feel :)

Started my day yesterday thinking to myself, God please let me have a purposeful day for you today. And it's amazing how God will use you, if only you let Him. Somehow I ended up having an interesting discussion about Christianity with a friend. It wasn't a debate, and it wasn't about me trying to share the gospel. It was simply one friend listening to the thoughts of another friend, and I would say it's one of the most honest conversations I've had with a non-christian :)

Later that day, I had to board a really crowded shuttle bus to get to lt 32. The bus driver wanted us to move in to allow more people to board, and so he nudged those people within his reach (which included me). I didn't make much of it, till I heard a voice behind me saying "Don't touch her". Or at least I think that's what I heard, coz the next sentence was "Don't touch me. Just tell me to move in and I will. See, I've moved in already." I still don't know if I heard correctly, but this incident brought to mind a picture of darkness encroaching around me, and Jesus saying "Don't touch her!" It's beautiful isn't it? The might, the love and the gallantness of my King :)

Abba, I belong to you!

Elizabeth chirped at 5:01 PM | No comments

Many things to do this week!
Was starting to have a major freak out in my room, when in desperation I decided I needed to listen to some soothing music. I went to the IHOP Prayer Room website and clicked the first video with Misty Edward's name on it. And guess what was the very first thing she was singing?

Seek Ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness
And all these things shall be added unto you
Allelu, Alleluia :)

Then she went onto sing a very nice acoustic version of As The Deer! :)

As the deer panteth for the water
So my soul longeth after thee
You alone are my hearts desire
And I long to worship thee

You alone are my strength my shield
To You alone may my spirit yield
You alone are my hearts desire
And I long to worship thee

I want You more than gold or silver,
Only You can satisfy.
You alone are the real joy Giver,
And the apple of my eye.

Okay okay, We can do this! :D

Elizabeth chirped at 1:26 PM | No comments

During dinner on sat. Wise words from dad.
Tim: So, are you happy with how your kids turned out?
Dad: To us, we'll be happy with how you all turn out as long as you remain in the Lord. That is to us, what it means to raise our kids successfully. Not about earthly successes, but its about eternity.
Kids: ... *profound silence*

While watching the news about MM Lee and his wife.
During the commercial break.
*Mom turns to Dad*
Mom: So am I your pillar of strength?
Dad: Torn in the flesh. *cheeky smile*
Mom: Huh, then better to not have lar.
Dad: But then no love. *reaches for another peanut* Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. Three times! *puts three fingers up, looks at mom and chuckle*
Mom: *laughs*
Dad: *nudge me and gives me the "your mother." face*
Me: ....
parents!

Elizabeth chirped at 6:10 PM | No comments

I will be amazing.
Cos that's what we're made to be. Nothing less.
Greatness in the ordinary. One battle at a time.

Elizabeth chirped at 5:34 PM | No comments

Gianna Jessen, Abortion Survivor Part 1


Part 2

Elizabeth chirped at 1:49 AM | No comments

Aching everywhere after today's handball training, but I'm happy and satisfied :)
Not the best sportsperson, but I hope I get good at this!

Onto not so happy stuff. Stuff that I didn't settle the last time I stopped pmsing is now coming back to haunt me. I don't know why, but recently I've had high inertia to do anything that's related to church. I try not to lose, I battle it and force myself there because God still deserves honor. But it doesn't change the fact that the inertia is there, when it shouldn't be in the first place. Right? There's this tendril of frustration I can't seem to get rid of and it comes in full force whenever I'm having a bad day. It's like everything's just a waste of time, but I have no idea what else we should be doing. I don't even know if I want to do what we're suppose to be doing.

I still cannot deny that God is real and God is good. I just think that there's got to be more than simply attending every single service, cell group, event, reading the bible, praying everyday or even spreading the gospel because we are commissioned to do so. Maybe it's not about any of that. Maybe all we have to do is to love. One person at a time, showing it through one action at a time, one thought at time. Through choosing to be patient with the people God's placed around in your life, taking the effort to ask about their day or how life's treating them. Showing compassion to the poor and the needy, and simply being willing to serve anyone. I call this doing love, not doing things. After all, God is love itself, and if we are reflecting Him or becoming more like Him, then we should be becoming more like love itself.

Now, in order to love, one needs to first be love.
I think I've forgotten how much I'm loved.
So remind me again, woo me with Your unfailing love. That I may love in return, inadequate as it may be. That I may finally live without that gap in me, finally live like I'm meant to.

Elizabeth chirped at 12:54 AM | No comments

New ministering chords!
Am, Em, Dm.
I wonder if it's possible to sell the ancient piano in my house and buy a keyboard with the money. Hmmmm.

Elizabeth chirped at 7:29 PM | No comments

I don't really regret stopping classical piano.
But I think i would have regretted it so much if I had given up on keyboard like I wanted to when i first started coz it was so stressful and so hard. Have I ever told you how much I enjoy playing the keyboard? I do, I really do.

Well, I finally found someone whom I want to model my playing after after 4 years! Misty Edwards! It's not too simple or complicated, but what I really really like is the spirit of her music. I wish I could sing like her too, but since I can't do that, I shall just learn to play like her.
If you want to know who I'm talking about:
1) go to http://www.ihop.org/Publisher/Article.aspx?ID=1000066807
2) Search for Misty Edwards
3) Listen to the Sep 11 one :)

Thank God for passion and talent!

Elizabeth chirped at 12:29 AM | No comments

I love this song, her voice, and the way she plays.
It's like a love letter from God.

"Memories, like a plague, want to haunt you and taunt you. Telling you that you'll never change, saying you'll always be the same. You've been here before, you made the same vow to change your ways. And you feel at times that you're gonna fail again. And the enemy comes around to remind you. And memories, like a plague.

You're not a hopeless hypocrite.
You're not rebellious like they've told you before.

I knew what I was getting into when I called you. I knew what I was getting into when I beckoned you. I knew what I was getting into when I said your name.
Just don't give up, don't give in. If you don't quit, you win, you win, you win.

Life's a fight. But this is more than just a struggle. Life's a race. You've got to fight the good fight, but this is more than just a struggle. I am going to help you. It's a new day, a new day. Yesterday is over.
Just don't give up, don't give in. If you don't quit, you win, you win.

I see you there longing to be mine. I see you there hating everything that gets in the way of loving me. I can see that your love is real. Your love is weak but your love is real.
I knew what I was getting into when I called you. I knew what I was getting into and I am not shocked by you. All I ask of you is that you turn around, turn your back on lesser things. Keep on fighting, keep on believing, keep on seeking, keep on reaching.
And don't give up and don't give in. If you don't quit, you win.
I knew what I was getting into and I still want you. I knew what I was getting into and I still called you.

Yesterday is long over, why do you still keep on replaying the same old memory in your mind? I've already forgotten, the moment you turned around. The moment that you repented. I said, I forgive you, forgive yourself. Let it go, you got to let it go. I've already let it go.
Just don't give up, and don't give in. If you don't quit, you win.

I give strength to the weak. I didn't come to save the righteous. The self-righteous wont get in. You are acquainted with your weakness, now come get acquainted with my strength.
Just don't give up, you gotta fight the fight. Just don't settle in, don't say I've always been this way, don't say but I've struggled with that since I was 7-years-old, don't say I'm in too deep. You're never in too deep.

Just don't give up, don't give in.
If you don't quit, you win, you win, you win, you win.

And I will purify that sacred place in your mind, coz your mind is the sacred place, the place that the battle is raging, your mind is the holy place, and I will win. I will win. My love is stronger than your sin, is stronger than temptation, stronger than your shame. Love wins. Love wins. Love will win."

Elizabeth chirped at 3:09 PM | No comments

Elizabeth chirped at 2:14 AM | No comments

The older I get, the more unsure I am about what I know.
The older I got, the more of a submarine christian I became.
I think there's something broken or missing from inside of me.
It keeps me from resting properly when I close my eyes.

I am being convinced that if I would just read my bible everyday, even if I don't always get something out of it or understand it, but if I would just read it everyday, something will change. There's an answer somewhere in all that words, and if I keep reading it I'll find it. And then I'll stop being so broken and I'll be able to find rest for my soul. If only I would read.

"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." Hebrews 4:12

Elizabeth chirped at 10:08 PM | No comments

There are some things you understand only when you get older.
Things like this song.

Elizabeth chirped at 1:40 AM | No comments

What's to an education?
For money or for the love of knowledge?
Our capacity to learn is amazing isn't it? And it's a wonder how your perspective changes through education, making the seemingly ordinary events in a day become a marvel of ingenuity and excellent design

For all my failings as a student and my inability to stay focused or awake in lectures, I am really quite happy where I am right now. I never could have imagined that I'll be an arts student someday, but here I am. And I love it. It makes such a big difference when you get to study what you want. The amount of work you have to do isn't any easier or lighter, but it makes it all worth it somehow.

So study what you love if you can.
And learn to love what you study if you can't.

Elizabeth chirped at 3:20 AM | No comments

Oh My God, Why is your grace so awesome?

Okay so I got lost in the orientations camps, appeals and registration stuff for university, and ended up missing the dateline to apply to use my dad's CPF to pay my uni fees. My only hope was to submit a written appeal and pray hard the CPF board will be nice. Today I got an email from school reminding us to pay our school fees by the end of the month. I checked my cpf online and they put that they hadn't receive my application yet which cause me to panic like crazy. But i just called CPF, and my appeal was just approved today hence it has yet to be reflected.

Here I am, wondering why am I so freaking 'heng' all the time? I practically scrap my way through my whole education, from PSLE, Os, As, even into uni and now this. Haha. Even my brothers. I still think that the way Jon got into uni is pretty cool. Dang, and we don't deserve any of it. Sometimes I wish that God wasn't so good to us, so I could actually buy the idea that religion is a scam and just live life the way I want it. But no, He has to keep giving us these unmerited favors as if He couldn't control His love, so that I cannot deny His existence without my insides screaming in violent protest. Ah, crazy lover. But thank you :)

On another note, I had my first sociology tutorial today! Lectures have been pretty mehhhh so far which made me doubt if I really wanted to major in this. But as I was clearing my readings last night (like finally!) and as ideas were cleared up in tutorial today, I found myself thinking that hey, I think I could fall in love with you. We could actually go well together. Hahah. Okay so we haven't gone through all the ups and downs together yet, but I've got a good premonition that I'll love you more than I ever loved geog.

Yay hooray! today's a good day :)

Elizabeth chirped at 11:53 AM | No comments

Had my first netball training today!
Happiness! :D

It feels as if I've wanted to play netball since I was P5 but never got a chance to until now. So I almost sprained my fingers again and maybe slowed the healing process of my ankle, but I had a good time. I kinda like the simple movement of throwing the ball and catching it. It's unthinking and rhythmic. Ah sports, where have you been all my life?!!? But okay, I'll probably change my tune when training gets harder. Haha :)

Well I hope we become an awesome team and do well for IHG! Everyone wants to be in the winning team, and since I'm going to do this, I might as well win it right? Netball FTW! :D

Elizabeth chirped at 10:02 PM | No comments

My roomie! <3

The nicest people you'll find in hall!
taken the day they came when I was sick :)

Elizabeth chirped at 4:04 PM | No comments

There's power in the blood.

Do you know what it's like to lay in bed, tired but unable to sleep because your heart's so heavy and your mind is going around in circles? The worst part is to be fully aware that you're behavior is irrational and yet there's little you can do to stop it. All you can do is to wait in eager anticipation for the first crimson drop that would break the curse and bring sweet relief to you and the people around you.

It's a crude analogy, but thinking about my period reminds me of the work Christ did for us at the cross. Through the shedding of his blood, freedom and relief was brought to the oppressed. No wonder we dance and shout for joy, because the sense of relief is so so sweet, it makes you giddy.

I don't know why some have it worse than others. But since I have to live with this, then may it be a monthly reminder to myself that there's power in the blood.

Elizabeth chirped at 10:58 PM | No comments

Despite the extremely high inertia to go for cell today, I guess it's good that I went in the end.
Really glad for Michelle, who helped put some order and sense to life with pms :)

Since forever, I've had a tendency to get lost in the things I do. We've been told time and again that life is a great balancing act and everything seems to hinge on good management. So for the longest time I've been fighting the urge to let myself get swept up in whatever I'm doing and work hard at achieving some kind of balance. But I'm starting to think that not all things that are commonly accepted have to be true. Rather than fighting against myself, what if I let myself be swept away? Wouldn't it be more effective to let my energy find its own natural resting point like how water naturally flow down according to the path of least resistance instead of wasting energy forcing it against it's natural path? Of course we're assuming that what we're getting lost in isn't harmful to the people around us.

If that were true, then let me embrace uni life with open arms. Let me drown myself in my passions, fall if i must and learn what I will, and when I'm tired and spent, I'll move on to my next passion, even if it that simply means returning to my first love. Why must we always be balanced well-rounded individuals? It makes us all one and the same, bland and devoid of life.

But I can't. I want to live for my passions, but I can't. Because there are still eyes on me. Society dictates that we behave in a certain way and because we are cursed social creatures, we can't help but to conform. I'm waiting though, for my courage to gather. And when there's enough, I'll do it.

So for now, just suck it in.
Because I have no one else but my cowardly self to blame for the situation I am in.

PMS. It makes you think crazy things.

Elizabeth chirped at 11:38 PM | No comments

Just a few more days, hang in there.
This moment will pass in the same way that seasons come and go :)

You were near
Though I was distant
Disillusioned I was
Lost and insecure
Still mercy fought
For my attention
You were waiting at the door
- Beautiful Exchange, Hillsongs

I should bring a book to hall. I feel like reading Captivating again, or even that book by Shane Clairbone. I want to hear a different perspective because I refuse to believe that this is all there is to life as we know it. Even for Christianity. There has got to be something deeper than what I am doing, than what we are doing.

I don't need another sermon or cg discussion. I just need to come into contact with someone who is living out everything we've been talking about. I feel like dropping out of this system called church and going to search for true christianity. God you are beautiful, and right now I just really need to see your beauty radiating through someone. So that I'll know that I am not a lost cause, we are not a lost cause, but we actually stand a chance of being the radiant bride we are suppose to be. Coz right now it feels like we've become a kind of social enclave or a gated community. I don't blame them, because I see in them the failings I see in myself. We have become what we have become because of people like myself. So now I just need to know that there is a cure, that there is hope.

Elizabeth chirped at 12:58 PM | No comments

For some reason, I'm really apprehensive about tutorials.

It struck me today that I'll probably feel kinda weird when hall life ends, if it ever happens within my student life. Because it came bundled with the start of uni life, we are not conscious of the fact that what we have is actually something precious. I can imagine myself stuck at home when it all ends, imagining that I would have been having supper now or some other random thing if I were in hall. It'll almost be like post camp blues, except that this was one really long camp.

My reason for being in NUS may not have been for the education itself. But we cannot deny the fact that I am already here, placed in whatever position I am, not merely because I wished it so but because God allowed it so. I could have applied for a more competitive hall and not gotten in, I could have appealed and still got stuck in PFM, but for whatever reason still unbeknownst to me, God has brought me here. If this is so, then it won't be presumptuous of me to assume that there is something I'm called to do here. And then, it shouldn't also be wrong for me to throw myself into all that hall life has to offer right? Of course assuming that I still maintain some kind of balance since life is a great balancing act after all.

There's nothing really special about Raffles Hall. We're don't have the richest culture or the best food. But for some reason, I still like it here. It's simple and ordinary kinda like myself with a touch of warmth and home. It reminds me of the times when we still left our main doors opened and played with random kids from other blocks at the playground. I guess community spirit has always meant a lot to me, maybe it's the S in me.

Well 5 weeks in now. We'll have to wait for exam stress to kick in before we know just how good or bad hall life can get :/

Elizabeth chirped at 1:28 AM | No comments

Grumpy!

Seriously don't understand why my mom thinks it's such a big deal that I don't know what's going on in Jon's life. I don't have time to mother my brother on her behalf when I'm barely coping myself. Bleah, can't stand mama's boys. Okay, i'm just pmsing and she pushed a wrong button plus I have preconceived ideas about my brother. Okay breatheeee!
I will learn to manage my emotions so I wont have to see a shrink! :)

Kay I love Yiruma's songs. Music does wonders to the soul :)

Tutorials have started! Time to be hardworking liz! I will do well and go on an SEP next year!

Elizabeth chirped at 9:14 PM | No comments

It's a strange saturday.
I'm in hall and alone, because everyone's gone home for the weekend or is busy mugging :/

I used to think that I could have been a fairly decent sportsperson had I not chosen to become a musician. After 10 years of being purely in the music scene, I thought it was time to do a sport before I get too old. But it seems that it's a blessing that I haven't been a sportsperson all these while and with good reason too! I'm too clumsy and accident prone!

Less than 5 minutes on the court and I fell and scraped my knees badly. Today on my very first jump to block the ball, I sprained my ankle and added a sprained index finger to my list of injuries by the end of the competition :(

What hurts the most is not the injury itself, but that my attempts at being a sportsperson is affecting me as a musician (or what's left of it anyway). Have been itching to play the keyboard and was looking forward to this Sunday's worship session! But now I'm not sure if I can make it to church let alone play with an injured finger :/

Sigh. Clumsy!

Elizabeth chirped at 3:05 PM | No comments

Okay I'm pmsing.
If my mom reads this, she'll probably make me see a shrink.
Like sending a broken toy to be fixed.

Is it okay to be weak for once, to disappoint, to take the easy way out? I can't do this. I can't do church. Coz church is not something you do. It's an overflow, an outward expression of what's on the inside.

Okay, actually the question shouldn't be whether it's okay to be weak for once. It should be whether it's okay to be weak again. Hahhaa, yes i'm a quitter. There came a time when I was no longer performing well or up to expectations. I dreaded each practice I had to attend because the sense of shame and guilt was so heavy and burdensome. One day I caved in and I quit. I quit ballet and I quit piano. I quit chinese and I've quit friendships before. And now I'm toying with the idea of quitting again. I thought passion would come as I went along but I find that I'm still passionless and had merely been living on borrowed flame all these while.

I'm not great, I'm just a lousy human being like everyone else. So if people can skip cell or church or drop responsibilities for the slightest excuse, why can't I? What has been stopping me all these while? Because I thought that doing so was honoring God??
Yes. Because it's not about the programme or the benefits to be reaped, it was always about honoring God. Even if I was the only member present, I would turn up because that was what honoring God meant to me. It's tempting to change, more tempting than ever before. But no, God never did me wrong so I shouldn't do Him wrong either. So even if I feel all rotten inside, even if my every instinct is to flee, this is the one thing I cannot and will not quit.

Sigh. Okay, time to read the email, open the excel file and do whatever I have to do, but hahahah, let's do it tomorrow. hahahhahahaha. dam procrastinator! i ought to be shot.

Elizabeth chirped at 1:28 AM | No comments

I can feel the energy seeping out of me. I need food. I am hungry.
I need spiritual food.
I miss you.

I have been reduced to speaking only the uni language because that's what my world has become. I wish I could talk to the girls but we're all in different seasons now. Besides I don't quite know what I would have told them anyway. 4 weeks in, and I'm tired of pushing myself to be everything I am not in order to make friends. Perhaps this marks the end of me and the beginning of Christ in me. When I have no strength left, that's when you carry me.

i auditioned for my hall's acoustic band last night and realized that I really can't play anything without a vocalist and I seem to be able to play only christian music :/ Screwed up my auditions, but they'll take me in coz they really need keyboardists. Haha, i miss jamming and I miss the english hall keyboard.

I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth :)

Elizabeth chirped at 10:04 AM | No comments

"Love without courage and wisdom is mere sentimentality, as with the ordinary church-goer. Courage without love and wisdom is foolhardiness, as with the ordinary soldier. Wisdom without love and courage is cowardice, as with the ordinary intellectual. But one with love, courage and wisdom moves the world."

Elizabeth chirped at 3:18 PM | No comments

Cyrus & Elaine's Wedding!

OCX & Karen's Wedding! :D

Pardon me, but I think we grew up quite well. Hahahha :)

Elizabeth chirped at 1:26 AM | No comments

Getting things straight.
Don't be a submarine.

I'm am here and not in New Zealand or Australia or anywhere else in the world because there's something I want to do here. I'm here in NUS because it's the uni I wanted to go to if I had to be here but not because I wanted to go to uni in itself. So don't get lost in it, don't forget what I stayed here for.

3 weeks into uni life, things are just beginning to settle. I find that I've been placed in an interesting position brimming with opportunities. The only thing is, I've gotten a little too lost to know what to do with them and I'm not quite sure where to draw the line. It's hard to tamp down self-preservation and the horrendous alter ego that threatens to come out. But I will, even if it's through nothing else but the sheer strength of God.

Have love and courage. The rest will take care of itself.

Elizabeth chirped at 1:48 PM | No comments

To whom will you let your guard down on, to whom will you show your weak pitiful self?

I miss being in your presence, caught in your warm embrace. Coz that's when I was most alive, most beautiful. That's when I was whole and complete without the emptiness eating away at my soul. I want to shine, I NEED to shine. For their sakes.

Elizabeth chirped at 1:45 AM | No comments

3 weeks into uni life and it suddenly struck me today that I've created a persona for uni :/

The way other people view me and the way I view myself are quite different. Somehow when placed in a new environment where I can be anything I wanna be, I subconsciously created a persona that was everything I wanted to be but felt that I was not. They say I'm confident and strong, but I know I'm actually insecure and weak. They say I'm kinda rebellious and go against the flow, but all these while I've been the compliant kid who never dared to cross the lines. They say I'm somewhat atas but I'm actually a cheapskate with humble beginnings. A new persona no?

Then again, it could also be that when I'm given the chance to be anything I want to be, that's when I become who I really am. And the person I perceive myself to really be, is actually a persona impressed upon me by other people. But I suppose we will never really know because we can never escape the influence of people.

Elizabeth chirped at 2:00 AM | No comments

Even though I like to be independent, it's nice to be taken care of once in awhile, and those moments shine like stars amongst the ordinary sky.

When I first came to take a look at my room, I noticed other people shifting in with the help of their parents and for a little while i wished mine were here. It would have been easier definitely, but I was fine doing it on my own or so I thought. Yet, I found that it really meant a lot to me when Jon Wong offered to help me shift into hall and eventually came down with liz eng, charis, and Mr & Mrs Das. It's cool that even though my parents weren't around, I had another family watching over me :) Feel the love!

After 2 weeks of camp, my body is finally protesting against its abusive mistress. I decided to be sick in hall rather than sick at home after my last terribly pathetic experience. Had a really bad night last night and felt really crappy on the inside and outside when I woke up this morning. But that totally changed when my hall og mates came knocking on my door with food, a guitar and a hilarious rendition of Stand By Me! So awesome right? Can't believe such sweet people actually exists! :)

While I can feel God romancing me through the wind, nature and all creation, I get the best sense of His love when He does it through imperfect people like you and me. Maybe that's why we're called the body of Christ.

Ah, well i do hope i get well in time for the wedding!

Elizabeth chirped at 10:17 PM | No comments