Thursday, December 31, 2009
I don't know what to say and I don't know who to talk to. I don't even know what I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. I just know that I need you. When my disappointments are crushing me till it feels like I can't breathe no more, I need you.
I slept and I had nightmares. I dreamt of a dog taunting me. I awoke and I couldn't move, my face was numb and it was spreading everywhere. I called upon the name of the Lord, and He rescued me.
Jesus be my freedom. Set me free from whatever is clinging onto my soul.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
It's unexpected but I kinda miss my group now.
It's amazing how after sleeping it feels like a brand new day and I can move on from my disappointments. No matter how hard I try, I'll never make it as a shooting star because God made me a star. No glitz, no glamor, simply twinkling in the sky night after night. Man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart, so it's okay. I can't be anything I want to be, but I can be all that God wants me to be, so c'mon let's go!
I named my group Agapao (love) because I firmly believe that everything about Christianity stems from love. To really live life, you only need to love and be loved. Because you can only find yourself when you find love. The days when I feel lost are the days when I feel alone and far from love. And you will naturally be stirred into action if you love someone/something enough. To liv' it, you need love. You can have everything, but without love, you are nothing. (I honestly believe that my group name wins hands down even though it got some laughs at first. It actually hurt coz that's my belief you're laughing at. If only I had a chance to properly explain why I chose that name, oh well)
There are some moments in these camp that I really cherish like the last group session. For a brief moment, I felt like I saw past their physical person and into their soul. It was broken, but it was still beautiful. I saw some walls and chains, I saw arrows and darts, and I wished, oh how I wished, that there was more time so these wounds could be healed. I wish I had seen this earlier so that I could make some sort of a difference to them but no, I was too busy grappling with my own inadequacies and tired body. If I get a next time, I must open my eyes faster.
Cheers was another special moment. They picked up the cheer so fast, like omg. And when Joel said "let's do it" when Issac suggested stomping on the muddy ground, they just did it. With little hesitation and zero complains. Not once but twice. How cool is that? I think I'm too used to youths who like to siam, whine and complain. Haha. This kind of attitude, I LIKE! :)
It's too bad I was forced to say something when I wasn't ready, and ended up talking rubbish without highlighting how SUPER AWESOME I thought my group was. Yea, I made a lot of mistakes on my part, Sorry guys. But I thank you all for being super co-operative! Agapao's the greatest!
L-O-O-O-V-E, LOVE!
It's amazing how after sleeping it feels like a brand new day and I can move on from my disappointments. No matter how hard I try, I'll never make it as a shooting star because God made me a star. No glitz, no glamor, simply twinkling in the sky night after night. Man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart, so it's okay. I can't be anything I want to be, but I can be all that God wants me to be, so c'mon let's go!
I named my group Agapao (love) because I firmly believe that everything about Christianity stems from love. To really live life, you only need to love and be loved. Because you can only find yourself when you find love. The days when I feel lost are the days when I feel alone and far from love. And you will naturally be stirred into action if you love someone/something enough. To liv' it, you need love. You can have everything, but without love, you are nothing. (I honestly believe that my group name wins hands down even though it got some laughs at first. It actually hurt coz that's my belief you're laughing at. If only I had a chance to properly explain why I chose that name, oh well)
There are some moments in these camp that I really cherish like the last group session. For a brief moment, I felt like I saw past their physical person and into their soul. It was broken, but it was still beautiful. I saw some walls and chains, I saw arrows and darts, and I wished, oh how I wished, that there was more time so these wounds could be healed. I wish I had seen this earlier so that I could make some sort of a difference to them but no, I was too busy grappling with my own inadequacies and tired body. If I get a next time, I must open my eyes faster.
Cheers was another special moment. They picked up the cheer so fast, like omg. And when Joel said "let's do it" when Issac suggested stomping on the muddy ground, they just did it. With little hesitation and zero complains. Not once but twice. How cool is that? I think I'm too used to youths who like to siam, whine and complain. Haha. This kind of attitude, I LIKE! :)
It's too bad I was forced to say something when I wasn't ready, and ended up talking rubbish without highlighting how SUPER AWESOME I thought my group was. Yea, I made a lot of mistakes on my part, Sorry guys. But I thank you all for being super co-operative! Agapao's the greatest!
L-O-O-O-V-E, LOVE!
Once again, when my mouth fails me, I use my fingers.
This wasn't just camp liv' it, it was MY liv' it moment. Weeks before this, God had already been stirring something in my heart. I was at the day when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom. I finally understood that what I really want to do is to minister to others, not in the future but right here right now. If there was no official position for me to serve in church, I'll just find some other place to do it. But well, the opportunity came in camp and so I went in with the very intention to live out what was in my heart.
I had that desire, but my body was not cooperating with me. People are not going to let you minister to them if you're a stranger. I had to break down the barrier and break it fast but I didn't know how. I'm not a bright spark, I've always been plain. And for awhile I really wondered what wouldn't I give to have charisma like the others, what wouldn't I give to be able to connect to and hype people up, what wouldn't I give to do what I was supposed to do and do it well?
The funny this is, my group felt like a reflection of me. They didn't shine the brightest, they weren't the most ra-ra neither were they problematic. They were simply always there, doing whatever was asked of them, giving what they could. I thought it was quite amazing that for once I didn't really have to encourage anyone to shout loud, or gan gan do actions because they would do it on their own. I'm kinda used to not winning in camps by now, so I was okay at first when I found out we lost despite our good start. But I was a little sad when some stuff reached my ears. It felt like we didn't win simply because... we didn't shine brightly enough. Stars aren't good enough when there's shooting stars around. It's a double whammy because they were a reflection of me.
I feel like I didn't do enough for my group and I wonder if things would have been better if someone else had been the GL instead of me. I did discover more about myself and grew a little from this experience, but I wonder at what price and who's paying it?
I was feeling quite terrible and I think something in me snapped during the bombing game. Now that I think about it, why didn't I just use my back to protect the flag instead of the front? But there I was, defenceless against the water bombs with my arms locked behind, using my body as a shield for a flag that represented all that I believed in. All I could do was grit my teeth and bear it as I was laughed at and bag after bag of water was thrown at me. Then came the bomb whose impact was felt through my whole body and right after that, another bomb that went right for my face. It was humiliating to be so defenseless, I was losing it. Kelvin was so unfortunate as to try and trap me under the canvas during the next game. That was it, my anger got the better of me and I showed him the finger (NO, it's not the middle finger).
I felt kinda bad after that. As a leader, people are watching you. What kind of example was I setting? Even worse, I think my group and his group saw it. Sigh. If anyone of you is reading this, I can only say that I'm sorry. Really sorry.
Sigh, while it is quite sad that my first step into living it was disappointing, I don't think I'll run back to my comfort zone just yet. Coz really, it kills me more to not do anything than to do something and fall.
And all my failings surely would have drown me, still You made a way...
This wasn't just camp liv' it, it was MY liv' it moment. Weeks before this, God had already been stirring something in my heart. I was at the day when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom. I finally understood that what I really want to do is to minister to others, not in the future but right here right now. If there was no official position for me to serve in church, I'll just find some other place to do it. But well, the opportunity came in camp and so I went in with the very intention to live out what was in my heart.
I had that desire, but my body was not cooperating with me. People are not going to let you minister to them if you're a stranger. I had to break down the barrier and break it fast but I didn't know how. I'm not a bright spark, I've always been plain. And for awhile I really wondered what wouldn't I give to have charisma like the others, what wouldn't I give to be able to connect to and hype people up, what wouldn't I give to do what I was supposed to do and do it well?
The funny this is, my group felt like a reflection of me. They didn't shine the brightest, they weren't the most ra-ra neither were they problematic. They were simply always there, doing whatever was asked of them, giving what they could. I thought it was quite amazing that for once I didn't really have to encourage anyone to shout loud, or gan gan do actions because they would do it on their own. I'm kinda used to not winning in camps by now, so I was okay at first when I found out we lost despite our good start. But I was a little sad when some stuff reached my ears. It felt like we didn't win simply because... we didn't shine brightly enough. Stars aren't good enough when there's shooting stars around. It's a double whammy because they were a reflection of me.
I feel like I didn't do enough for my group and I wonder if things would have been better if someone else had been the GL instead of me. I did discover more about myself and grew a little from this experience, but I wonder at what price and who's paying it?
I was feeling quite terrible and I think something in me snapped during the bombing game. Now that I think about it, why didn't I just use my back to protect the flag instead of the front? But there I was, defenceless against the water bombs with my arms locked behind, using my body as a shield for a flag that represented all that I believed in. All I could do was grit my teeth and bear it as I was laughed at and bag after bag of water was thrown at me. Then came the bomb whose impact was felt through my whole body and right after that, another bomb that went right for my face. It was humiliating to be so defenseless, I was losing it. Kelvin was so unfortunate as to try and trap me under the canvas during the next game. That was it, my anger got the better of me and I showed him the finger (NO, it's not the middle finger).
I felt kinda bad after that. As a leader, people are watching you. What kind of example was I setting? Even worse, I think my group and his group saw it. Sigh. If anyone of you is reading this, I can only say that I'm sorry. Really sorry.
Sigh, while it is quite sad that my first step into living it was disappointing, I don't think I'll run back to my comfort zone just yet. Coz really, it kills me more to not do anything than to do something and fall.
And all my failings surely would have drown me, still You made a way...
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Lalala, it's starting tmr! Kinda excited, kinda scared, kinda unprepared!It feels like I've never led before when I was actually once in charge of a hundred or more. Not that I did a very good job of it, haha. Funny how it feels so distant almost as if it was in a different lifetime when it was just abt 3 years ago. I don't know if it'll be awkward to lead again, I don't know if I even have what it takes. But if all I've got is one talent worth of leadership, then I'll take that one talent and invest it rather than to hide it in the ground.
One chance, One life, One love, One God.
One Chance.
One Life.
One Love.
One GOD.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Sometimes I think my brother is gifted at bringing out the spoilt brat inner bitch in me.
I'm having one of those moments when you just feel so incredibly annoyed. The thing about entertaining those angry thoughts that pop up is that it only gets worse and worse. One thought led to another till I reached the conclusion that I'm alone in the world and nobody cares about me. Which I know is a lie, but sometimes your emotions feel so real that it's so easy to believe it.
But it's tiring to stay angst. It's tiring to continue your one person fight against the world where everyone wronged you and you're the only one who's right. It's an easy lie to believe in, but it's slowly killing me on the inside. The anger consumes my mind till I no longer know who I am anymore. Scary.
So I take deep breathes and I let it go. I run to my maker and find myself again. Coz the truth is, the further you are from love and the further you are from God, the more you begin to lose yourself. You can only find yourself when you find love, and God is love.
I'm having one of those moments when you just feel so incredibly annoyed. The thing about entertaining those angry thoughts that pop up is that it only gets worse and worse. One thought led to another till I reached the conclusion that I'm alone in the world and nobody cares about me. Which I know is a lie, but sometimes your emotions feel so real that it's so easy to believe it.
But it's tiring to stay angst. It's tiring to continue your one person fight against the world where everyone wronged you and you're the only one who's right. It's an easy lie to believe in, but it's slowly killing me on the inside. The anger consumes my mind till I no longer know who I am anymore. Scary.
So I take deep breathes and I let it go. I run to my maker and find myself again. Coz the truth is, the further you are from love and the further you are from God, the more you begin to lose yourself. You can only find yourself when you find love, and God is love.
Merry Christmas everyone!Thank you Jesus for taking the ultimate mission trip, coz there aint no Christmas without you!
Yay, I was spared a lonely Christmas coz Liwen let us camp over at her place even though it meant Leslie couldn't sleep the whole night. Poor doggie!
We can't survive on love alone, but we can't live without it either. C'mon AGAPAO! hahahhhahaha.
I don't need or want a lot this christmas except maybe 2 things. A new phone and my parents blessing to go to tung ling. Sighh. I rmb when I applied, I didn't even ask for my parents permission but merely informed them about my decision. I'm not sure if that was over confidence or mere stupidity. Maybe over confidence IS mere stupidity. The possibility of being unable to go just never crossed my mind.
What He opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. - Rev 3:7
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I lost my phone! And it was lost in almost the exact same manner as the previous time! Seems like I didn't learn my lesson. But how are you suppose to stop yourself from falling into a daze or beeing deep in thought when travelling is so monotonous?
Well, the feeling was quite terrible at first. I kept wondering why my phone couldn't meet a nice person for once who would spare a thought for the worried owner. Ah well, but it was worse to sit still and wait than to take action.
I've always disliked doing admin stuff and making admin calls and often left it to my parents or friends. But what to do? My parents aren't around and I didn't really want to trouble anyone else, so I just had to force myself to do it.
If anything, the terrible feeling of losing my phone was offset by the satisfaction that comes from settling things myself (with a little bit of help from jw). I'm quite proud of myself for thinking of bringing a zapped copy of my dad's ic to try and get my replacement sim card since I didn't have a letter of authorization (line is under my dad's name). Hahaha, sounds like cheap thrill but I feel like I've grown up a little more! Plus, I managed to get everything settled in a day! I'm becoming independent, whoo!
So I bid farewell to my G705. It's a pity I didn't get to transfer all the Mooncake festival videos into my comp. Yep, there goes the video of us sneaking into the ******* :(
Well, the feeling was quite terrible at first. I kept wondering why my phone couldn't meet a nice person for once who would spare a thought for the worried owner. Ah well, but it was worse to sit still and wait than to take action.
I've always disliked doing admin stuff and making admin calls and often left it to my parents or friends. But what to do? My parents aren't around and I didn't really want to trouble anyone else, so I just had to force myself to do it.
If anything, the terrible feeling of losing my phone was offset by the satisfaction that comes from settling things myself (with a little bit of help from jw). I'm quite proud of myself for thinking of bringing a zapped copy of my dad's ic to try and get my replacement sim card since I didn't have a letter of authorization (line is under my dad's name). Hahaha, sounds like cheap thrill but I feel like I've grown up a little more! Plus, I managed to get everything settled in a day! I'm becoming independent, whoo!
So I bid farewell to my G705. It's a pity I didn't get to transfer all the Mooncake festival videos into my comp. Yep, there goes the video of us sneaking into the ******* :(
Monday, December 21, 2009
I love the quote.Maybe that day is drawing near because I feel so conflicted. I really want to blossom, but at the same time I am scared. God can you give me some company to bloom with? That would be nice :)
I feel tired, like I've been fighting against something though I'm not sure what. I'm starting to think that maybe it's myself I'm fighting. Fighting my natural instincts to run and hide, pushing myself to do what needs to be done. Well, I guess it's just one of those season when your bucket is full so God starts to tip you into another bucket. Uncomfortable but good for me.
I will bloom, I must bloom. Even if it kills me trying.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
I couldn't fall asleep until around 2plus and now I'm awake at 6plus? You have got to be kidding me! I kept tossing and turning in bed and dreaming about shopping for shoes. Somehow I just couldn't fall asleep even though I could barely open my eyes. Ack. So i thought, maybe God wants me to pray you know? I tried, but I wasn't forming any coherent prayer. I just kept thinking about shopping for shoes! My goodness, am i going insane? So i tried going for a concept and finally managed to come up with one (thank God!). Maybe after blogging I'll be able to get some sleep at last.
This post goes out to all ladies with shoe fetish.
So I was talking about how it doesn't matter when the world ends because what you're supposed to be doing doesn't change right? I do realize that many people seem to be struggling with figuring out what their call is. And here's where the shoe theory come in. But first, a little explanation!
I met up with my SMSS girlfriends yesterday and we went shopping, mainly for shoes. It's quite funny really, how different our shoe woes are. Joyce was commenting that she had broad feet which meant many shoes were too squeezy at the front for her. Mai had long toes which weren't able to be fully covered by the front of the shoes. While I have big feet and am too tall for heels (maybe one day I'll wear them just for the satisfaction of owning everyone, hah!).
The point is, we are always trying to find a pair of shoes that are the perfect fit. But it's so hard because there's always something wrong. Like how everything fits except you don't like the colour, or you like everything about the shoe except it's price, stuff like that. And sometimes wearing a bad fit can mean horrible blisters (we saw this woman with bleeding blisters yst). But it's through all these exceptions & blisters that you begin to understand the shape of your feet (broad, long toes or big etc) and your taste (color, style etc). And the thing is, you would never have figured this out if you didn't try a million shoes.
It's the same for figuring out your shape(characteristics, passion etc) which would eventually help you figure out what's your call. You have to try doing various things to figure out what you're good at or what makes your heart burn. It's just that today's youth have a culture of siam-ing things out of fear, laziness, false humility or whatever else. It's no wonder so many of us feel so clueless as to what we're suppose to be doing! So hello, just be bold and seize opportunities to serve or be forever clueless. It's better to try and fail now than later on, coz the price of failure only gets higher as you get older.
Done!
I hope I can get some sleep at last!
This post goes out to all ladies with shoe fetish.
So I was talking about how it doesn't matter when the world ends because what you're supposed to be doing doesn't change right? I do realize that many people seem to be struggling with figuring out what their call is. And here's where the shoe theory come in. But first, a little explanation!
I met up with my SMSS girlfriends yesterday and we went shopping, mainly for shoes. It's quite funny really, how different our shoe woes are. Joyce was commenting that she had broad feet which meant many shoes were too squeezy at the front for her. Mai had long toes which weren't able to be fully covered by the front of the shoes. While I have big feet and am too tall for heels (maybe one day I'll wear them just for the satisfaction of owning everyone, hah!).
The point is, we are always trying to find a pair of shoes that are the perfect fit. But it's so hard because there's always something wrong. Like how everything fits except you don't like the colour, or you like everything about the shoe except it's price, stuff like that. And sometimes wearing a bad fit can mean horrible blisters (we saw this woman with bleeding blisters yst). But it's through all these exceptions & blisters that you begin to understand the shape of your feet (broad, long toes or big etc) and your taste (color, style etc). And the thing is, you would never have figured this out if you didn't try a million shoes.
It's the same for figuring out your shape(characteristics, passion etc) which would eventually help you figure out what's your call. You have to try doing various things to figure out what you're good at or what makes your heart burn. It's just that today's youth have a culture of siam-ing things out of fear, laziness, false humility or whatever else. It's no wonder so many of us feel so clueless as to what we're suppose to be doing! So hello, just be bold and seize opportunities to serve or be forever clueless. It's better to try and fail now than later on, coz the price of failure only gets higher as you get older.
Done!
I hope I can get some sleep at last!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Take a deep breathe and let it out.
I wish I would stop feeling like there's something missing. It seems that even though I'm introverted, I'm actually still a people person right to the core. But I don't get it, God I have you so why do I feel this way? Or am I missing something that you're saying? I'm still craving for company even after meeting up with 'youmemaibird' which was great btw.
Ah dear heart, why art thou so restless??
I'm always a little weird in Decembers and blogging in a strange way, but I've never had a December like this. Don't like trying to fall asleep in the dark empty house when I grew up surrounded. I remember we used to squeeze all 5 of us in the master bedroom to sleep. Good thing my mom went over with my dad because I can imagine how terrible it would have been otherwise.
I should find a job right? Anyone knows anyone who needs tuition?
Sheesh liz, snap out of it alr!
I wish I would stop feeling like there's something missing. It seems that even though I'm introverted, I'm actually still a people person right to the core. But I don't get it, God I have you so why do I feel this way? Or am I missing something that you're saying? I'm still craving for company even after meeting up with 'youmemaibird' which was great btw.
Ah dear heart, why art thou so restless??
I'm always a little weird in Decembers and blogging in a strange way, but I've never had a December like this. Don't like trying to fall asleep in the dark empty house when I grew up surrounded. I remember we used to squeeze all 5 of us in the master bedroom to sleep. Good thing my mom went over with my dad because I can imagine how terrible it would have been otherwise.
I should find a job right? Anyone knows anyone who needs tuition?
Sheesh liz, snap out of it alr!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap.
Tonight it spills over! I feel nuts!
I don't know if it should be so mood based. But tonight of all nights, I feel really really loved, protected and covered. I'm so grateful to people like JW, Isaiah, Vyn, Karen, DanYan and the many other churchies who God has placed in my life. Most of the things I tell my friends or advice that I give, are the very same things I've heard from these people. They got me thinking and helped me to discover God as a real being and not just someone we sing songs to or are forced to learn about on Sundays. I'm actually a very calculative and selfish person, but I'm starting to learn to give because these people have given me so much. Freely you have received, freely give!
It's spilling over, and I really want to start giving after years of receiving and holding back. I want to start ministering and speaking words of life, impacting lives the way I was impacted. I just pray that laziness, fear and disappointments don't get in the way! It's time to spread my wings and fly!
Yea, I'm kinda high now. Drunk on the overwhelming sense of love :)
God you are so good. So good to me you know? So so good!
I just hope that one day my friends will understand that as well.
Tonight it spills over! I feel nuts!
I don't know if it should be so mood based. But tonight of all nights, I feel really really loved, protected and covered. I'm so grateful to people like JW, Isaiah, Vyn, Karen, DanYan and the many other churchies who God has placed in my life. Most of the things I tell my friends or advice that I give, are the very same things I've heard from these people. They got me thinking and helped me to discover God as a real being and not just someone we sing songs to or are forced to learn about on Sundays. I'm actually a very calculative and selfish person, but I'm starting to learn to give because these people have given me so much. Freely you have received, freely give!
It's spilling over, and I really want to start giving after years of receiving and holding back. I want to start ministering and speaking words of life, impacting lives the way I was impacted. I just pray that laziness, fear and disappointments don't get in the way! It's time to spread my wings and fly!
Yea, I'm kinda high now. Drunk on the overwhelming sense of love :)
God you are so good. So good to me you know? So so good!
I just hope that one day my friends will understand that as well.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Smoky picture with a drink in hand = club.I quite dislike all the pictures taken at the club actually. They don't look clear or pretty.
It was a beautiful beautiful night. The kind with a gentle breeze, pretty scenery and good company that awakens the songs in me. Walking along Clark Quay, I felt so at peace. I wanted to sing and dance like a little girl under the stars with the eyes of my Daddy on me.
Then we hit the club. It wasn't very packed, probably because it was only 11+. While queuing for our free drinks, I noticed that most of the people around me were girls my age, looking either bored or awkward. I guess the club was filled with first timers? There were patches of people dancing in a sea of stillness which made them look kinda awkward and wannabe. Maybe they thought they were cool coz they knew how to have fun when everyone else was so awkward. That's what I would be thinking if I were them. But the truth is, everything in the club felt so awkward or fake.
To me this is how it works. If you are not having fun you would look really really lame in a club. So you'll be pressurized to move and look like you're having fun. You start of by pretending, but after awhile you're body gets into the motion and your brain shuts down. You don't know what is real and what is fake anymore. You're just laughing and dancing and having the time of your life. And you realize that this is just escapism, deep inside of you nothing has changed, but you don't care, you don't want to think, you just want to have fun.
It's dark and cold inside the club and the music is loud. The song that was so alive in me just awhile ago fell silent. I tried to search for God but couldn't find him. I was surrounded by people, but I felt so terribly alone and empty inside. Here in the club, there was no authority, there was no law, there was nothing.
We finished our drink, spent a minute doing awkward bobs on the dance floor, I couldn't take it anymore and so we left. As we made our way back to the hotel, the songs came back to life again and so did the peace of God.
So my take on clubs? To me, it's like a higher form of computer games. You go there when you're bored, when you want to escape, or when everyone else is doing it and you even get to put on a false persona. It's the new real life RPG but more ex. Not necessarily evil, but you gotta be very careful.
Of course, I do know my opinion is biased. Firstly, we went to a club that wasn't very happening and people tell me that elsewhere it's different. Secondly, I went in with the intent to observe and discern the spiritual condition there (if any).
I don't disagree when people say it's fun. Yes it's fun. But if you think about what lies deeper and you care about what lies deeper, then I would suggest that you stay away.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
I'm missing my mom & my many girlfriends.
It just occurred to me that my life has been filled with ... GIRLS. Even in a mixed school, I still ended up in a girl clique with few guy friends. I don't think it's because I was in a girls school for 10 years. I think it's just me. Hahaha. Self-analysis some other time.
The culture of blogging seems to be dying yet I'm still a fairly frequent blogger. I guess I like blogging because the people who read this actually want to hear what I have to say. You're the friend who listens and understands me when no one else would, and who takes my crap without any complains. You're my imaginary best friend. Hahaha. It's actually kinda sad isn't it? I wonder if I'm delusional.
Yep, it's the loneliness speaking tonight. It's not always a bad thing. Loneliness means you understand how much you've been loved and blessed that to not have it, it makes you ache. The thought of next week with so many people missing makes me kinda sad, in a thankful kind of sad. Hahah.
Ah. December.
This song has been stuck in my head for a week now.
It just occurred to me that my life has been filled with ... GIRLS. Even in a mixed school, I still ended up in a girl clique with few guy friends. I don't think it's because I was in a girls school for 10 years. I think it's just me. Hahaha. Self-analysis some other time.
The culture of blogging seems to be dying yet I'm still a fairly frequent blogger. I guess I like blogging because the people who read this actually want to hear what I have to say. You're the friend who listens and understands me when no one else would, and who takes my crap without any complains. You're my imaginary best friend. Hahaha. It's actually kinda sad isn't it? I wonder if I'm delusional.
Yep, it's the loneliness speaking tonight. It's not always a bad thing. Loneliness means you understand how much you've been loved and blessed that to not have it, it makes you ache. The thought of next week with so many people missing makes me kinda sad, in a thankful kind of sad. Hahah.
Ah. December.
This song has been stuck in my head for a week now.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
The last paragraph of another chapter in life.
With last night'sprom class dinner, we officially bid farewell to all things Victorian. Who knows when we'll meet again? Maybe in 10 years time, back at Faramount hotel (crappy buffet).
To be honest, I feel that I didn't accomplish anything in the past 2 years. There is no achievement to speak of, only troubles and victories. In the many low points I went through, I never did understand them then. But now as I look back, I realize that God was really working on my growth. Through my struggles, my mind and my eyes were open to new things and I learnt about what was in my heart. My wings were put to the test so that I would understand the strength in them. It's been one heck of a roller coaster ride and it has finally come to an end.
For the many girlfriends I made in vj I am really grateful. With you girls there is no pressure to live up to a certain expectation but simply acceptance for the person that I am, sillyness philosophical thinking and all. It gives me space to breathe when expectations are weighing heavily upon me elsewhere. Thank you for your smiles and laughter that made the toughest times bearable :)
To vj that brought out the fun loving side of me, thank you, even though that nearly screwed me over. Haha. At least they did try to teach me that nothing comes without labour, nil sine labore.
I had my virgin clubbing experience last night, but shall leave that for another time. Need some shut eye now.
So, goodbye Victoria. A brand new chapter awaits.
With last night's
To be honest, I feel that I didn't accomplish anything in the past 2 years. There is no achievement to speak of, only troubles and victories. In the many low points I went through, I never did understand them then. But now as I look back, I realize that God was really working on my growth. Through my struggles, my mind and my eyes were open to new things and I learnt about what was in my heart. My wings were put to the test so that I would understand the strength in them. It's been one heck of a roller coaster ride and it has finally come to an end.
For the many girlfriends I made in vj I am really grateful. With you girls there is no pressure to live up to a certain expectation but simply acceptance for the person that I am, sillyness philosophical thinking and all. It gives me space to breathe when expectations are weighing heavily upon me elsewhere. Thank you for your smiles and laughter that made the toughest times bearable :)
To vj that brought out the fun loving side of me, thank you, even though that nearly screwed me over. Haha. At least they did try to teach me that nothing comes without labour, nil sine labore.
I had my virgin clubbing experience last night, but shall leave that for another time. Need some shut eye now.
So, goodbye Victoria. A brand new chapter awaits.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
I woke up today thinking, so what now?
It just hit me that my holiday begins today. The holiday I've been dreading and trying not to think about. It's the period of blankness and uncertainty. So much potential, so many opportunities and yet so much fear. Such a long holiday, will I be a good steward of my time?
A levels is officially over. It's the most unpredictable exam I've taken and I really don't know what grades to expect. Which uni will God's will bend towards? I'm glad that there's at least Tung Ling to occupy my mind, buy some time and set some things straight. But there's still the questions like should I get a part time job? Will it be too hiong? Should I give tuition? Can I even teach?
Then there's the period after results are released and after Tung Ling. Should I work and pay my way for Hillsongs conference? How do I fit in a visit to Perth? How long should I stay? Wait, I'm basing this on the assumption that I'm going to a local u. What if the assumption doesn't hold? I'll have to rethink this period again.
And in between all these big rocks, I have to fit in maintaining friendships and my sanity.
Freedom can be such a curse sometimes.
Even softer still, there's that quiet cry, a possible awakening. You spread out your wings and feel the strength in them. You know you were made to fly. The question is, is it now? If things are getting in the way, do I fight for my chance to fly or is it not time yet?
Sometimes we get so busy the voice gets drowned out, and it's only in those quiet moments that you hear them again. I heard it last night as the plane was landing and my eyes were taking in the city lights. Greater things, a sense of destiny, a higher call over my life. A special position given to me, meant for a person with my characteristics. I went from denial to grudging acceptance. Grudging because I wonder, is it proud to accept this? Acceptance because I had trouble shaking off the feeling that it was right. But when I woke up this morning everything else came tumbling into my mind, and I forgot about the call quietly waiting to be answered.
Some were told that they would be great leaders. Some were told they would change the world. But so many are still fighting the daily monsters, too weak to follow their destiny. So they live and they die, a seed which grew into a bud but never bloomed.
Potential that's all they were.
It just hit me that my holiday begins today. The holiday I've been dreading and trying not to think about. It's the period of blankness and uncertainty. So much potential, so many opportunities and yet so much fear. Such a long holiday, will I be a good steward of my time?
A levels is officially over. It's the most unpredictable exam I've taken and I really don't know what grades to expect. Which uni will God's will bend towards? I'm glad that there's at least Tung Ling to occupy my mind, buy some time and set some things straight. But there's still the questions like should I get a part time job? Will it be too hiong? Should I give tuition? Can I even teach?
Then there's the period after results are released and after Tung Ling. Should I work and pay my way for Hillsongs conference? How do I fit in a visit to Perth? How long should I stay? Wait, I'm basing this on the assumption that I'm going to a local u. What if the assumption doesn't hold? I'll have to rethink this period again.
And in between all these big rocks, I have to fit in maintaining friendships and my sanity.
Freedom can be such a curse sometimes.
Even softer still, there's that quiet cry, a possible awakening. You spread out your wings and feel the strength in them. You know you were made to fly. The question is, is it now? If things are getting in the way, do I fight for my chance to fly or is it not time yet?
Sometimes we get so busy the voice gets drowned out, and it's only in those quiet moments that you hear them again. I heard it last night as the plane was landing and my eyes were taking in the city lights. Greater things, a sense of destiny, a higher call over my life. A special position given to me, meant for a person with my characteristics. I went from denial to grudging acceptance. Grudging because I wonder, is it proud to accept this? Acceptance because I had trouble shaking off the feeling that it was right. But when I woke up this morning everything else came tumbling into my mind, and I forgot about the call quietly waiting to be answered.
Some were told that they would be great leaders. Some were told they would change the world. But so many are still fighting the daily monsters, too weak to follow their destiny. So they live and they die, a seed which grew into a bud but never bloomed.
Potential that's all they were.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
I'm back! Miss me?!
Ten doi lar E li sa bet!
First things first.
Our focus in Vietnam was totally different from last year's trip to Cambodia so it's not quite possible to compare. I suppose you could say the fun level was lower due to different team dynamics, but it didn't make the this trip any lesser than last year's.
Since we were running workshops on worship, it was more talk less action in Viet as compared to working with orphanages in Cambo. Yet it was more fulfilling in a sense because we weren't just giving a man a fish for a day but teaching a man how to fish. It's too bad I didn't get to share my sermon. Come to think of it, I was actually pretty slack throughout the whole trip. Hmm.
Well, there was a special moment while we were there. At least to me it was special.
I saw someone whose fingers were able to give life to the music in my head.
It was the day that we attended a combined church meeting which took me back to FOP in the 90s. Whoa! I stood till my feet hurt, and throughout that time, these people were dancing and jumping in a manner that would put Loudfest and the likes to shame. I saw a granny jumping more enthusiastically than the youths in our church ever could. It was a celebration across all ages and boy where these people loud! Their music and voices were deafening! That was impressive, but the special moment was when the band for the crusade happening this saturday came up on stage.
I saw their shiny silver pro looking keyboards from afar and just had to get a closer look. Up close, the keyboard looked ever more pro. It appeared to be cheemer than the one at Bartley Church, and that one had already freaked me out. Then they started to play for the thousand strong choir and I was awed. It was a different kind of seh-ness they had as compared to the angmoh bands. The songs were old and the build up was simple or non-existent, yet their techniques were good and their passion was so crazy that I was simply amazed. Especially when we hit the slow songs which meant it was the keyboardist's turn to shine. Dang, the guy played the way I would have very much like to play if only I had the techniques to do so. I just sat and stared as his fingers ran fluidly up and down the keyboard. How I wished those fingers were mine! So I've decided to spend the next 7 months improving my skills! :)
Now that I think about it, it's funny that we can serve in Vietnam but not in our very own church. Weird huh? I just don't understand what adults are thinking sometimes. Then again, maybe my spoiled & selfish generation never did anything to prove otherwise. A vicious cycle. Who will stop first?
Ah, sleepy! Pardon me if this post wasn't very coherent!
Chao :)
Ten doi lar E li sa bet!
First things first.
Our focus in Vietnam was totally different from last year's trip to Cambodia so it's not quite possible to compare. I suppose you could say the fun level was lower due to different team dynamics, but it didn't make the this trip any lesser than last year's.
Since we were running workshops on worship, it was more talk less action in Viet as compared to working with orphanages in Cambo. Yet it was more fulfilling in a sense because we weren't just giving a man a fish for a day but teaching a man how to fish. It's too bad I didn't get to share my sermon. Come to think of it, I was actually pretty slack throughout the whole trip. Hmm.
Well, there was a special moment while we were there. At least to me it was special.
I saw someone whose fingers were able to give life to the music in my head.
It was the day that we attended a combined church meeting which took me back to FOP in the 90s. Whoa! I stood till my feet hurt, and throughout that time, these people were dancing and jumping in a manner that would put Loudfest and the likes to shame. I saw a granny jumping more enthusiastically than the youths in our church ever could. It was a celebration across all ages and boy where these people loud! Their music and voices were deafening! That was impressive, but the special moment was when the band for the crusade happening this saturday came up on stage.
I saw their shiny silver pro looking keyboards from afar and just had to get a closer look. Up close, the keyboard looked ever more pro. It appeared to be cheemer than the one at Bartley Church, and that one had already freaked me out. Then they started to play for the thousand strong choir and I was awed. It was a different kind of seh-ness they had as compared to the angmoh bands. The songs were old and the build up was simple or non-existent, yet their techniques were good and their passion was so crazy that I was simply amazed. Especially when we hit the slow songs which meant it was the keyboardist's turn to shine. Dang, the guy played the way I would have very much like to play if only I had the techniques to do so. I just sat and stared as his fingers ran fluidly up and down the keyboard. How I wished those fingers were mine! So I've decided to spend the next 7 months improving my skills! :)
Now that I think about it, it's funny that we can serve in Vietnam but not in our very own church. Weird huh? I just don't understand what adults are thinking sometimes. Then again, maybe my spoiled & selfish generation never did anything to prove otherwise. A vicious cycle. Who will stop first?
Ah, sleepy! Pardon me if this post wasn't very coherent!
Chao :)
Monday, November 30, 2009
God I pray you help me to manage my emotions.
Be the one that completes me not anyone else.
Fill the void within me, let me find myself in you.
The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Be the one that completes me not anyone else.
Fill the void within me, let me find myself in you.
The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
First wedding I attended as anything but a guest & first invite in my name! Woohoo! Eggciting!! :D
As the bridesmaids were walking in, I was so freaking nervous and cold that my teeth were chattering!
Really thankful to them for taking the risk to let us (the newbie team) lead worship when most people would put a zai zai team coz they want the 'perfect' wedding. It really drives home the point that a wedding is a celebration of love and not just about being picture perfect.
So i've been thinking about it, and I've concluded that the most beautiful woman is a woman in love. It doesn't matter if she's fat or thin, tall or short, pretty or not so pretty, a woman who knows she's loved has this blissful aura that makes her beautiful. So girls, the secret to being beautiful is to be secure in God's love!
I want my life to be a beautiful love story. God & me, me & others.
A life of love :)
Friday, November 27, 2009
“Expect great things from God, attempt great things for God.” – William CareyMatthew 7:7-12
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
You have to admit, it is a good phrase. I like it because the latter really depends on the former. You will never attempt great things for God unless you expect great things from God. If all you expect from God is small things, your risks will be small and so will your deeds.
Sometimes I suspect we expect little things from God. We don’t really expect God to change things. We just expect him to help us cope. We have not because we ask not. We do not believe God will deliver, so we do not give him the chance.
But imagine what could change if we really asked, seek and knock, expecting God to do great things? When we do so, we are inviting God to unleash his kingdom in our midst.
Tom Wright observes, “For most of us the problem is not that we are too eager to ask for the wrong sort of things. The problem is that we are not nearly eager enough to ask for the right things”
Give God a chance to deliver, to show us how great and mighty He is and how true His word is. Expect great things and attempt them!
“For greater things have yet to come and greater things are still to be done in this city!” (God of this city, Chris Tomlin)
-----------------------------------------------------
That was copied from last year's devotion material for Cambodia.
Can you believe that As are over in 3 days, and I shall be flying to Vietnam in 4?!?? SO fast!!
While thinking about what to share over there, God begin to work on my heart. I wanted to share about having great expectations but felt like such a hypocrite when I thought about myself. To be honest, I was expecting God to just help us cope coz it feels like everyone is so unprepared, simply coping should be good enough right? Apparently not. I wonder if God felt insulted that I saw Him as such a small God that all He could do was help us cope? Sorry God!
So what kind of great things am I expecting now? Well, I really want the team, especially myself, to be able to operate in the spirit. Healings, prophesy and stuff like that are things I've never done before but things that I believe can really make a difference to the people there. I'm really praying for God to pour out His spirit in Vietnam. Exciting and big yea??! :D
I'm glad I choose Vietnam in the end daunting as it can be, coz it's a brand new challenge and a brand new growth! WHoo!
Keep us in prayer! :)
Monday, November 23, 2009
Remembered this song while going through my Nov & Dec archives.
I've concluded that Nov and Dec are times when my emotions and thoughts start to get really messed up. I'll be thinking about things I don't quite know how to conclude or to express, resulting in messed up posts. haha. It's also the time when I begin to dream and when God stretches me so that I'll grow.
Hahaha, I think I was quite cute (cringe!) when I was younger in the way I proudly declared my love for God. I'm such a retard. Hahahhahah! If I ever have to work with younger girls, maybe I'll ask them to read my posts when I was their age. MAYBE. That'll be quite a joke. Haha. God, you made me such a fool for you! Sigh.
So it's almost December. I'm dreaming about the future once again, wanting so desperately to become the woman of God you wants me to be. Many times I feel like such a fool, but what to do? I just can't live without you. And someday I'll find another fool, but until then I'll be on my own, a crazy fool for you!
P.S for a moment I forgot that I still have a paper tmr. Zzz...
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Today was a strange but good day.
I've decided that when I am 30, I must not look back at my youth and have nothing to show for it. While I am young, with the courage to dream and the energy to sprint, I must do something for God.
When I was younger, I absorbed everything I was fed with like a sponge. Now, I'm learning to think and to form my own stand. So when I get older, I want to take action on all that I've processed, God willing.
To live up to my potential.
To live a life bigger than myself, denying myself.
That, should be quite satisfying.
I've decided that when I am 30, I must not look back at my youth and have nothing to show for it. While I am young, with the courage to dream and the energy to sprint, I must do something for God.
When I was younger, I absorbed everything I was fed with like a sponge. Now, I'm learning to think and to form my own stand. So when I get older, I want to take action on all that I've processed, God willing.
To live up to my potential.
To live a life bigger than myself, denying myself.
That, should be quite satisfying.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
It's a mellow day.. :)
There's something sweet and something sad about today. After days of being a hermit, there was something so satisfying about deciding what to wear and taking a bus to church to see people you love. I would have loved to spend the whole day out, but alas, there was nothing to do in the afternoon. So I took my own sweet time to head home.
I was alone, but not alone. How do I describe it? I felt like I had the quiet company of the Holy Spirit with me. He didn't say anything but simply walked with me, quietly listening to my thoughts. And it was beautiful, in a quaint sort of way.
I thought about the weather and how amazing it was that my house could be cooling even when the sun was scorching like this. I thought about how I didn't fall sick this time when the crazy weather tends to make my sinus worse. I thought about how I was walking around leisurely having survived the worst of As without coming out worse. And I just felt so grateful and so thankful to God that I am alive.
What a beautiful mellow day isn't it? So I put a nice mellow song on repeat.
listen *here*
Assuredly Yours
All that I am is in You
All that I seek is to follow You
I run to Your side when You call
There is the hope I am longing for
Just to be by your side
There is hope in my life
There is no greater freedom I’ll find
So take my life
And all that I have to give
Take my world
Just inhabit all of it
Take my dreams
Make me assuredly Yours
Mellow day.
Think I shall watch 500 days of summer :)
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Shifted the dates up
09 Nov - Physical Geog i still believe that the world is only 6000+ years old
10 Nov - CL B, Maths P1 1st time i can say i tried my best. coz studying more wouldn't have made a difference
11 Nov - GP what a disaster
13 Nov - Maths P2 and we're done with week 1! wheee!!!
18 Nov - Econs Essay that.. wasn't so bad after all
19 Nov - Human Geog, Physics P2, CLB Listening there's sand everywhere in the house! what a day.
20 Nov - Econs Case Study yet another weird paper
24 Nov - Physics P3
30 Nov - Physics P1
24 Nov - Physics P3
30 Nov - Physics P1
More birds more luck! :D The killer week is here! In 3 days it'll be almost as good as over! I know I'll be able to survive, but I just can't see myself getting pretty results. I saw it, I said it, I took a step and then did an about turn. God if you want me to go to tung ling and if you want me to get into FASS, you're going to have to open doors and give me supernatural crapping skills because I think I really screw up big this time.
Just 3 days! I'm partly scared, partly can't be bothered, and partly hoping that God will give me tons of grace. Tmr feels like the first day of A levels. Gah! Kay kay, trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. C'mon liz, be a tough girl!
To everyone else, don't be like me and study hard! :)
Monday, November 16, 2009
I love days when I can just spend time with God.
I'm kinda wishing that we'll have a worship session with songs from yesteryears in chancery lane. When we sung songs like Shout to the Lord, All things are possible, Refiner's fire, Jesus lover of my soul etc. Just for a change. But that would mean added stress on keyboardists since those were the days when the piano ruled. hahaha.
I was flipping through the NT today after months of reading the OT, and it felt like I've forgotten a lot of things. The most important of them that I forgot was Love. It feels like we've moved on to a lot of other things and forgot about our foundations. That everything should be based on love. When I think about all the problems I see, all the things that upset or anger me, I realize that if only we had loved more they probably could have been avoided. Even now, if only we loved more, they can be fixed. Is it naive to think this way? But the bible does say that love covers all wrongs, and the greatest of these is love.
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
Romans 13:8-10
I'm kinda wishing that we'll have a worship session with songs from yesteryears in chancery lane. When we sung songs like Shout to the Lord, All things are possible, Refiner's fire, Jesus lover of my soul etc. Just for a change. But that would mean added stress on keyboardists since those were the days when the piano ruled. hahaha.
I was flipping through the NT today after months of reading the OT, and it felt like I've forgotten a lot of things. The most important of them that I forgot was Love. It feels like we've moved on to a lot of other things and forgot about our foundations. That everything should be based on love. When I think about all the problems I see, all the things that upset or anger me, I realize that if only we had loved more they probably could have been avoided. Even now, if only we loved more, they can be fixed. Is it naive to think this way? But the bible does say that love covers all wrongs, and the greatest of these is love.
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
Romans 13:8-10
Sunday, November 15, 2009
All that You've done in my life, all that You've changed in me, sometimes it feels like it was just a dream, and I wake up to find that I'm still the ugly selfish me.
I wonder if it was a mistake to sign up for the Vietnam trip? I feel so unprepared when day in day out my thoughts are about myself and people around me reinforce the idea that it's okay to be thinking about myself at this moment. Everyday the prayer is the same, asking God for peace, asking God for wisdom. It is not right. Not like this. I don't want to go there when I'm like this.
I can't believe that I really decided not to go today. I was so close to going but then I let my irritation get the better of me. This whole thing feels like a sham. Are we going just to fulfill our sense of responsibility? Am I going just because I went last year? Are we treating this too lightly, or am I being too serious? Questions that needs answers, questions that will be forgotten once I open my books.
Tear down the walls see the world,
Is there something we have missed?
Turn from ourselves,
Look beyond.
There is so much more than this.
God please make things right. Make my heart right.
I wonder if it was a mistake to sign up for the Vietnam trip? I feel so unprepared when day in day out my thoughts are about myself and people around me reinforce the idea that it's okay to be thinking about myself at this moment. Everyday the prayer is the same, asking God for peace, asking God for wisdom. It is not right. Not like this. I don't want to go there when I'm like this.
I can't believe that I really decided not to go today. I was so close to going but then I let my irritation get the better of me. This whole thing feels like a sham. Are we going just to fulfill our sense of responsibility? Am I going just because I went last year? Are we treating this too lightly, or am I being too serious? Questions that needs answers, questions that will be forgotten once I open my books.
Tear down the walls see the world,
Is there something we have missed?
Turn from ourselves,
Look beyond.
There is so much more than this.
God please make things right. Make my heart right.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I didn't want to blog about exams, but ah. I need to get this out, take a nap and sleep it away.
GP!!!! Why???
The papers so far have been tricky. Doing them gives me the same feeling as doing CTs. The oh-crap-i-can-only-do-half-the-paper-so-i'll-be-happy-if-i-can-scrap-a-pass feeling. To get this at A lvls is.. :/ let's count on bell curve? But whatever, I'm used to feeling this way for content subjects, but I really really hoped to do well for GP. Then I just had to go and write the lousiest essay ever. It was out of point, unsupported, 2-page short with just 4 paragraphs. Like, wth? Disappointed with myself.
I practically chanted the serenity prayer before taking paper 2. Yet at the back of my head I was thinking about James' and Daniel's A level story. Which will I be? I know whatever happens that God is in control and can take something bad and make it good. But I just wish that I didn't have to go down that path you know?
I think what's really getting to me is uncertainty about the future. Which should not be because there's God right? Why can't I trust Him more? I was so worried about not knowing where to go, not knowing what to do with my life and not wanting to be pushed into doing things by people. It was such a relief when I finally found a goal and now I have to watch it slip through my fingers, or at least it seems to be slipping through my fingers.
What makes me feel more disappointed, is the fact that I'm actually reacting like this. Worrying excessively about the future is not something I usually do. In fact I frown upon it. Like, just chill! Sigh, c'mon liz, get a grip.
Just for clarification, no this is not about GP. GP was just a trigger. I've been trying to not get too excessively worried about the future and suppressing it with pep talks and prayer, but the past 3 days of paper just led up to this semi emotional thing.
Kay, i need to eat and sleep and I should be fine.
And then, I shall try very hard to follow Proverbs 3:5-6. He just had to write with ALLL your heart didn't he?
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.
/edit
after a 3 hour long conversation with my mom (yep she's back!), I've got a plan B. Which makes me feel a lot better. But I'm starting to get confused too. In a good way. What to do God??????? Need to pray!
Stop playing games with my heart God!
GP!!!! Why???
The papers so far have been tricky. Doing them gives me the same feeling as doing CTs. The oh-crap-i-can-only-do-half-the-paper-so-i'll-be-happy-if-i-can-scrap-a-pass feeling. To get this at A lvls is.. :/ let's count on bell curve? But whatever, I'm used to feeling this way for content subjects, but I really really hoped to do well for GP. Then I just had to go and write the lousiest essay ever. It was out of point, unsupported, 2-page short with just 4 paragraphs. Like, wth? Disappointed with myself.
I practically chanted the serenity prayer before taking paper 2. Yet at the back of my head I was thinking about James' and Daniel's A level story. Which will I be? I know whatever happens that God is in control and can take something bad and make it good. But I just wish that I didn't have to go down that path you know?
I think what's really getting to me is uncertainty about the future. Which should not be because there's God right? Why can't I trust Him more? I was so worried about not knowing where to go, not knowing what to do with my life and not wanting to be pushed into doing things by people. It was such a relief when I finally found a goal and now I have to watch it slip through my fingers, or at least it seems to be slipping through my fingers.
What makes me feel more disappointed, is the fact that I'm actually reacting like this. Worrying excessively about the future is not something I usually do. In fact I frown upon it. Like, just chill! Sigh, c'mon liz, get a grip.
Just for clarification, no this is not about GP. GP was just a trigger. I've been trying to not get too excessively worried about the future and suppressing it with pep talks and prayer, but the past 3 days of paper just led up to this semi emotional thing.
Kay, i need to eat and sleep and I should be fine.
And then, I shall try very hard to follow Proverbs 3:5-6. He just had to write with ALLL your heart didn't he?
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.
/edit
after a 3 hour long conversation with my mom (yep she's back!), I've got a plan B. Which makes me feel a lot better. But I'm starting to get confused too. In a good way. What to do God??????? Need to pray!
Stop playing games with my heart God!
Sunday, November 08, 2009
It finally registered. A level begins tomorrow. I am majorly screwed.
And I FREAKED.
Can you believe that I'm not afraid about not getting my ideal AAAB, but instead worried that I can't get the straight Bs required to get into FASS? If I were to be logical and realistic, based on what I've been getting and how much effort I've been putting in, assuming I don't make careless mistakes plus a bit of luck, I should be getting ACCC there about. I really mean it. No one labelled me as smart or whatever crap until Os anyway and that was divine intervention. So please take me seriously when I say that I'm not going to ace this.
When you have a major freak out, there's only one place to run to and that's into the arms of God.
So yes God, I accept that I am going to get sucky grades because I wasn't as diligent as you called me to be. That is what I deserve. But you know, I refuse to be conquered by my fears, I refuse to be conquered by the papers. This exam may judge my abilities, but it will not judge my worth. I ask for undeserved mercy, I ask for grace. But even if the end result is bad, I do not want to take the papers with a spirit of fear, but take it in confidence knowing that You are sovereign, You are with me, and that I am assuredly yours. I take the fear and stare at it in the eye, because I know who my daddy is. If my God is for me, then who can be against me? So bring it on!
I have stated my case. Anything more is supernatural.
To God be the glory.
Psalm 121
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
And I FREAKED.
Can you believe that I'm not afraid about not getting my ideal AAAB, but instead worried that I can't get the straight Bs required to get into FASS? If I were to be logical and realistic, based on what I've been getting and how much effort I've been putting in, assuming I don't make careless mistakes plus a bit of luck, I should be getting ACCC there about. I really mean it. No one labelled me as smart or whatever crap until Os anyway and that was divine intervention. So please take me seriously when I say that I'm not going to ace this.
When you have a major freak out, there's only one place to run to and that's into the arms of God.
So yes God, I accept that I am going to get sucky grades because I wasn't as diligent as you called me to be. That is what I deserve. But you know, I refuse to be conquered by my fears, I refuse to be conquered by the papers. This exam may judge my abilities, but it will not judge my worth. I ask for undeserved mercy, I ask for grace. But even if the end result is bad, I do not want to take the papers with a spirit of fear, but take it in confidence knowing that You are sovereign, You are with me, and that I am assuredly yours. I take the fear and stare at it in the eye, because I know who my daddy is. If my God is for me, then who can be against me? So bring it on!
I have stated my case. Anything more is supernatural.
To God be the glory.
Psalm 121
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
I should be studying, but somehow stumbled upon the Oprah Winfrey show and discovered a gem!
Whitney Houston's testimony is amazing! Like, AMAZING!
If you're feeling like you're stuck in a pit with no strength to get out, you should watch it.
It's a pity I only managed to record part II.
You can read it here if you want (part I part II) but it's not the same.
Whitney Houston's testimony is amazing! Like, AMAZING!
If you're feeling like you're stuck in a pit with no strength to get out, you should watch it.
It's a pity I only managed to record part II.
You can read it here if you want (part I part II) but it's not the same.
Monday, November 02, 2009
It's time to sprint!
So not my style, I can't sprint, but I don't have a choice.
I know I have no rights to ask this of you God, but I'm getting desperate. Just like how I don't deserve to be loved but You love me anyway, can you answer my prayers even if they don't deserve to be answered? If there's G.E.A.R.S, i need the supernatural now. You didn't make me a sprinter, you made me a steady-pom-pi-pi kind of runner. But alas, I've been going too slow and now I must sprint when my body and mind are not conditioned for it. So God, can you do the supernatural and help me run faster than chariots?
I was thinking, it'll be totally awesome if the spirit prompted me what topics to study since God is all knowing. Hahaha, but that feels like it's cheating right? Then again, I suspect it happened the last time.
Ahhhh... forgive me for selfish christianity!
No matter how hard I try, I'm still just like everyone else.
Selfish, self-centered, stupid sheep!
So not my style, I can't sprint, but I don't have a choice.
I know I have no rights to ask this of you God, but I'm getting desperate. Just like how I don't deserve to be loved but You love me anyway, can you answer my prayers even if they don't deserve to be answered? If there's G.E.A.R.S, i need the supernatural now. You didn't make me a sprinter, you made me a steady-pom-pi-pi kind of runner. But alas, I've been going too slow and now I must sprint when my body and mind are not conditioned for it. So God, can you do the supernatural and help me run faster than chariots?
I was thinking, it'll be totally awesome if the spirit prompted me what topics to study since God is all knowing. Hahaha, but that feels like it's cheating right? Then again, I suspect it happened the last time.
Ahhhh... forgive me for selfish christianity!
No matter how hard I try, I'm still just like everyone else.
Selfish, self-centered, stupid sheep!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
I don't know why but almost every song I hear today reminds me of Christmas. Combined with today's cooling weather, it really makes me miss Christmas. When I was younger, we'll start setting up our Christmas tree around this period. And my mom would make us take pictures with the Christmas tree. Well... Those were the days.
I can't wait for As to be over. I'm not prepared, I think I'll never be. But I'm looking forward to taking the papers and be done with it. Screw the results. I just like the satisfaction of being able to fill in blanks. It's okay right, to think this way? Enter the hall excited and leave smiling because I had fun.. writing the most logical crap I can come out with. Haha, that was what made Os fun. I smoked, and the examiners bought it.
9 days more.
Let the fun begin!
You know, I think you're awesome God. I really do. I don't understand why you love me when I have problems loving me. I don't understand how you can love people around me when I have such difficulty loving them. You're just so crazy in an awesome way. I couldn't fade and disappear because you were watching me. As long as 1 person was watching, I had to live. Thank you.
I can't wait for As to be over. I'm not prepared, I think I'll never be. But I'm looking forward to taking the papers and be done with it. Screw the results. I just like the satisfaction of being able to fill in blanks. It's okay right, to think this way? Enter the hall excited and leave smiling because I had fun.. writing the most logical crap I can come out with. Haha, that was what made Os fun. I smoked, and the examiners bought it.
9 days more.
Let the fun begin!
You know, I think you're awesome God. I really do. I don't understand why you love me when I have problems loving me. I don't understand how you can love people around me when I have such difficulty loving them. You're just so crazy in an awesome way. I couldn't fade and disappear because you were watching me. As long as 1 person was watching, I had to live. Thank you.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Do you care about what I have to say?
I'm just one of many many teen bloggers who write as if they know it all.
Why are you still reading this?
I told my friends that I would freak when we hit 21 days to As. But I didn't.
I then told my friends I would freak at 19 days coz that sounded scarier. But I didn't.
So I finally said, I would freak at 14 days. But I didn't. Well, not until I typed that sentence out anyway.
A-levels is a monster. It's a monster I wish I had the ability to thrash because I am so sick of how it has got everyone sucked in. Myopia. But wait. What if, I'm just making excuses again, pointing the finger at anything but myself? Maybe what's closer to home is this, that A-levels is but a tool that brings out the monsters in us. The sin of self-absorbency. Selfishness. Why are we so blind? Why am I so blind? I caught a glimpse enough to know that what I see is far from the truth. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Because after that glimpse I felt like I was in the movie "Awake". Helplessness is a torture.
You're messing with my heart, but my body has great inertia. And all I've done is to utter unintelligible prayers here and there as I cry. It seems so futile. What use am I to you?
Ah, my thoughts are like spaghetti. It just went from one thing to another. It's okay to not understand, coz I don't understand either.
God have mercy on me, on us.
How great is the judgement that awaits us!
I'm just one of many many teen bloggers who write as if they know it all.
Why are you still reading this?
I told my friends that I would freak when we hit 21 days to As. But I didn't.
I then told my friends I would freak at 19 days coz that sounded scarier. But I didn't.
So I finally said, I would freak at 14 days. But I didn't. Well, not until I typed that sentence out anyway.
A-levels is a monster. It's a monster I wish I had the ability to thrash because I am so sick of how it has got everyone sucked in. Myopia. But wait. What if, I'm just making excuses again, pointing the finger at anything but myself? Maybe what's closer to home is this, that A-levels is but a tool that brings out the monsters in us. The sin of self-absorbency. Selfishness. Why are we so blind? Why am I so blind? I caught a glimpse enough to know that what I see is far from the truth. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Because after that glimpse I felt like I was in the movie "Awake". Helplessness is a torture.
You're messing with my heart, but my body has great inertia. And all I've done is to utter unintelligible prayers here and there as I cry. It seems so futile. What use am I to you?
Ah, my thoughts are like spaghetti. It just went from one thing to another. It's okay to not understand, coz I don't understand either.
God have mercy on me, on us.
How great is the judgement that awaits us!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Considering the fact that I sort of gave up celebrating people's birthday this year after having had enough crappy birthdays, it;s a pleasant surprise that I really enjoyed my birthday this time! I would say the best I've had in many years :D
No pictures yet, coz lazy, no cam, no bluetooth. But many thank yous to say tonight!
Thank you Rochelle, Shalom, Joel, Joy, Sui Ying, Karen, OCX, Syl-vyn & Das for spending Sunday evening with me and the cake that was not possible to be eaten without messing up my face! And especially to Raes for the flat-face-minnie-with-nice-fur that totally didn't match me! Hahaha, yay at least someone finally made it on time! :)
Thank you to clique girls Jing, Julynn, Jiayun, Mark, Anne, Cheryl and Amelia! Haha, some of the surprises didn't work out but some did! I think, it's the first time I got creamed?? You girls are such liars! But at least it was all for the surprise :) Thanks for the bag, my first ever mango product leh. Cooliox! 20 more days, keep working hard together yea?
Thank you Mel, Suz, Amelia, Chia, Cher, Chee for having dinner with me tonight! Especially to melly for organizing it and Amelia for adding the mysterious element to it by telling more lies! Tsk tsk, my birthday turned my friends into liars. Haha!
Thank you Joey for spending a bombz to call from Melbourne! You're crazy you know? Like seriously mentally unsound! And it's so ironic that you're the only person I can talk to without having to go into lengthy explanations. Does this mean I'm crazy?
With this, it comes to an end. But not quite yet.
Most importantly, thank you God for loving through all the years of my life and giving me so much more than I deserve. What would I do if I didn't have you? Where would I be if you hadn't come and find me?
So thank you to everyone who made my day today, and all the well wishes on facebook and through sms! May God give you double of whatever you've given me!
No pictures yet, coz lazy, no cam, no bluetooth. But many thank yous to say tonight!
Thank you Rochelle, Shalom, Joel, Joy, Sui Ying, Karen, OCX, Syl-vyn & Das for spending Sunday evening with me and the cake that was not possible to be eaten without messing up my face! And especially to Raes for the flat-face-minnie-with-nice-fur that totally didn't match me! Hahaha, yay at least someone finally made it on time! :)
Thank you to clique girls Jing, Julynn, Jiayun, Mark, Anne, Cheryl and Amelia! Haha, some of the surprises didn't work out but some did! I think, it's the first time I got creamed?? You girls are such liars! But at least it was all for the surprise :) Thanks for the bag, my first ever mango product leh. Cooliox! 20 more days, keep working hard together yea?
Thank you Mel, Suz, Amelia, Chia, Cher, Chee for having dinner with me tonight! Especially to melly for organizing it and Amelia for adding the mysterious element to it by telling more lies! Tsk tsk, my birthday turned my friends into liars. Haha!
Thank you Joey for spending a bombz to call from Melbourne! You're crazy you know? Like seriously mentally unsound! And it's so ironic that you're the only person I can talk to without having to go into lengthy explanations. Does this mean I'm crazy?
With this, it comes to an end. But not quite yet.
Most importantly, thank you God for loving through all the years of my life and giving me so much more than I deserve. What would I do if I didn't have you? Where would I be if you hadn't come and find me?
So thank you to everyone who made my day today, and all the well wishes on facebook and through sms! May God give you double of whatever you've given me!
Happy 18th Birthday to me!
I'm glad that after a couple of years of crappy birthdays, at last I had an enjoyable one on my eighteenth! And what I've learnt? People do care, you just have to give them a chance to show that they do :)
I think, God is stirring something in my heart. It feels like a burden has been placed there once again. I don't know if it'll be removed or if it'll fade away. But for the first time ever, I know exactly what I want to wish for. It's more than a wish, but a prayer, a hope, a desire. God I pray you'll save my friends and let them see the truth. Believer or not.
I want to live my 18th year to the fullest and I want many people to come with me.
I'm glad that after a couple of years of crappy birthdays, at last I had an enjoyable one on my eighteenth! And what I've learnt? People do care, you just have to give them a chance to show that they do :)
I think, God is stirring something in my heart. It feels like a burden has been placed there once again. I don't know if it'll be removed or if it'll fade away. But for the first time ever, I know exactly what I want to wish for. It's more than a wish, but a prayer, a hope, a desire. God I pray you'll save my friends and let them see the truth. Believer or not.
I want to live my 18th year to the fullest and I want many people to come with me.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I like the post on the class blog:)
It came back to me after reading that post.
Who I was in 2007 is not the same as who I am now. Sometimes I really think it all boils down to the attitude. At that time, I really wanted to succeed. In SMSB, we were taught to strive for excellence. If that's not your aim then don't enter the band room. And it was with that kind of mindset that I mugged.
I also understood who my daddy was and what that made me. I was more than a conqueror, I was meant to be the head and not the tail. I just had to do my part that He had commanded me to do and He'll take care of everything else.
Yes, the things I have to study now is harder than 2 years ago. But that's also beacuse I'm 2 years older and should have grown to be competent to handle greater things. The fact that I'm not ready signals my stunted growth. It marks my failure. If I had grown as I should, getting those As should not be a problem.
I don't know how I went from having a winner's mindset to a losing one. But i've had enough of it. I'm going to reclaim the victory Christ's death has given me. I'm going to stop running away from the task set before me and start growing up. For the next 45 days till the end of As, I'm going to live each day as a victorious Christian instead of a defeated one. I'm reviving the Elizabeth of 2007.
This is it.
It came back to me after reading that post.
Who I was in 2007 is not the same as who I am now. Sometimes I really think it all boils down to the attitude. At that time, I really wanted to succeed. In SMSB, we were taught to strive for excellence. If that's not your aim then don't enter the band room. And it was with that kind of mindset that I mugged.
I also understood who my daddy was and what that made me. I was more than a conqueror, I was meant to be the head and not the tail. I just had to do my part that He had commanded me to do and He'll take care of everything else.
Yes, the things I have to study now is harder than 2 years ago. But that's also beacuse I'm 2 years older and should have grown to be competent to handle greater things. The fact that I'm not ready signals my stunted growth. It marks my failure. If I had grown as I should, getting those As should not be a problem.
I don't know how I went from having a winner's mindset to a losing one. But i've had enough of it. I'm going to reclaim the victory Christ's death has given me. I'm going to stop running away from the task set before me and start growing up. For the next 45 days till the end of As, I'm going to live each day as a victorious Christian instead of a defeated one. I'm reviving the Elizabeth of 2007.
This is it.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
God I know your will for me now is to study, but it's really hard. I can't seem to find the will to do it. It's like I've gotten too slack and I can't get back the momentum. I had a little sleep and a little slumber and now it seems that proverty is upon me. No matter which angle I look with, I have failed. I've lost to others, I've lost the battle with myself, I've not followed your will. How did I get this kind of loser mindset? Now where do I go from here?
I need a miraculous change in mindset.
25 more days to do something that will determinethe next 4 years of my life.
I need a miraculous change in mindset.
25 more days to do something that will determinethe next 4 years of my life.
Monday, October 12, 2009
I've stumbled upon a conspiracy!
Screw you Satan!
I wonder, if things would change. I wonder, if we'll get lost along the way. I wonder.
It felt good to discover that I was not alone in what I was feeling. But the more I thought about it, the more I wonder if my motive is really for the good of others or am I just.. seeking revenge? If the outcasts were to band together and became bigger than the people in the circle, won't the people in the circle end up becoming the new outcast? In the end it just breeds further division.
Maybe the key is not to band together a group of hurting people. Because it'll end up as one of those case where the church becomes a place to hide from the world instead of being a light to the world. Maybe the key is simply to set our sights beyond ourselves, our feelings, our rights. It's not about us. After all, that was what woke me up. Not because someone finally took notice of me, but because I caught a glimpse of the larger picture, that life wasn't about me.
I was watching Gokusen, and there was an episode where the message was that you shouldn't expect people to help you up when you fall. When you fall, you should just pick yourself up instead of blaming the one who pushed you or the people who just stood by and watched.
Screw you Satan!
I wonder, if things would change. I wonder, if we'll get lost along the way. I wonder.
It felt good to discover that I was not alone in what I was feeling. But the more I thought about it, the more I wonder if my motive is really for the good of others or am I just.. seeking revenge? If the outcasts were to band together and became bigger than the people in the circle, won't the people in the circle end up becoming the new outcast? In the end it just breeds further division.
Maybe the key is not to band together a group of hurting people. Because it'll end up as one of those case where the church becomes a place to hide from the world instead of being a light to the world. Maybe the key is simply to set our sights beyond ourselves, our feelings, our rights. It's not about us. After all, that was what woke me up. Not because someone finally took notice of me, but because I caught a glimpse of the larger picture, that life wasn't about me.
I was watching Gokusen, and there was an episode where the message was that you shouldn't expect people to help you up when you fall. When you fall, you should just pick yourself up instead of blaming the one who pushed you or the people who just stood by and watched.
Ah well. My concern now should be to fight for my As! Today's sermon was super duperly apt for me. It was like, direct answers to what I've been struggling with over the last week. Success! Here I come!
28 days.
No joke.
28 days.
No joke.
Friday, October 09, 2009
I don't need to see it to believe it
Coz I can't shake this fire burning deep inside my heart
How I wish I could say those.
God, I don't know what to say anymore and I don't know what to think.
Whatever you're placing in my heart, make it burn with an intensity that banishes every fear and doubt away. Don't let the seeds fall on good soil only to be strangled by weeds.
Coz I can't shake this fire burning deep inside my heart
How I wish I could say those.
God, I don't know what to say anymore and I don't know what to think.
Whatever you're placing in my heart, make it burn with an intensity that banishes every fear and doubt away. Don't let the seeds fall on good soil only to be strangled by weeds.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Today was my last official school day in VJC.
Out of all the subjects I take, none left much of an impression on me except for Geography. Our department may only consist of 4 teachers, but it never stopped them from taking pride in being geographers.They made it cool, like we had a special something going on that the rest of the school didn't get. With geog, I felt like I was actually being educated in every sense of the word rather than the cheap substitute of formulas that Singapore education has become. So goodbye geog, thanks for all the fun and the memories.
And now, how do I describe what I'm feeling?
Despite having thought out some stuff about the future, the are moments when I can't help but feel insecure and worried about it. There are teachers who wanted to be a teacher right from the start, but I suspect that for most of them, teaching became a career only because for one reason or another they couldn't pursue their dreams. It's still a noble and satisfying job and I'm thankful for all that my teachers have taught me. But I don't want to end up like that though i'm scared I would.
I still feel so young. Too naive and immature to have to decide on something like this. Where is my place in this vast world? Will I find it naturally or must I fight to carve out a place for myself? God, increase my faith. I know I shouldn't worry, I know I should just trust my shepherd. So give me more faith to believe that good things are in stored for me.
Out of all the subjects I take, none left much of an impression on me except for Geography. Our department may only consist of 4 teachers, but it never stopped them from taking pride in being geographers.They made it cool, like we had a special something going on that the rest of the school didn't get. With geog, I felt like I was actually being educated in every sense of the word rather than the cheap substitute of formulas that Singapore education has become. So goodbye geog, thanks for all the fun and the memories.
And now, how do I describe what I'm feeling?
Despite having thought out some stuff about the future, the are moments when I can't help but feel insecure and worried about it. There are teachers who wanted to be a teacher right from the start, but I suspect that for most of them, teaching became a career only because for one reason or another they couldn't pursue their dreams. It's still a noble and satisfying job and I'm thankful for all that my teachers have taught me. But I don't want to end up like that though i'm scared I would.
I still feel so young. Too naive and immature to have to decide on something like this. Where is my place in this vast world? Will I find it naturally or must I fight to carve out a place for myself? God, increase my faith. I know I shouldn't worry, I know I should just trust my shepherd. So give me more faith to believe that good things are in stored for me.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
I wonder if I'm not stressed enough, good at hiding it or running away?
Coz I keep getting comments that I don't seem stressed.
If i'm not wrong, I'm the bottom 2 of a class already somewhere at the bottom of the cohort. When I think about it, it doesn't matter how many subjects I officially passed of failed when my results range from 41 to 48. For a seven pointer, I'm severely under performing.
My current aim is to do a miracle by doubling my scores the same way I halved my points for Os. Quite ambitious eh? Ambitious considering the fact that I've finally figured out that there isn't really a problem with my brain. Instead, I'm actually just really LAZY. I keep forming action plans in my head but when it comes to carrying it out, I just can't find the will/strength to see it through but end up do a half ass job.
So please nag at me even if I'll hate you for it! hahhaha!
God please give me a spirit of self-discipline! I need D.I.S.C.I.P.L.I.N.E! Lots and lots of it!
34 days to jump 5 grades for 5 subjects! (Crap, so little time)
GO for the final lap! USHH!
(Omg, I just pep talk myself on my blog -.-")
Coz I keep getting comments that I don't seem stressed.
If i'm not wrong, I'm the bottom 2 of a class already somewhere at the bottom of the cohort. When I think about it, it doesn't matter how many subjects I officially passed of failed when my results range from 41 to 48. For a seven pointer, I'm severely under performing.
My current aim is to do a miracle by doubling my scores the same way I halved my points for Os. Quite ambitious eh? Ambitious considering the fact that I've finally figured out that there isn't really a problem with my brain. Instead, I'm actually just really LAZY. I keep forming action plans in my head but when it comes to carrying it out, I just can't find the will/strength to see it through but end up do a half ass job.
So please nag at me even if I'll hate you for it! hahhaha!
God please give me a spirit of self-discipline! I need D.I.S.C.I.P.L.I.N.E! Lots and lots of it!
34 days to jump 5 grades for 5 subjects! (Crap, so little time)
GO for the final lap! USHH!
(Omg, I just pep talk myself on my blog -.-")
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Today was a good thoughts sorting out day even though it was quite exhausting for my mind and my emotions. Oh what a Sunday!
I managed to realize that I actually do have a dream. It's just that it got stuffed all the way to the back of my mind with words like "reality" and "practicality". Come on man, when you get spammed with e-mails on scholarship matters and university talks in school as well as conversations again about scholarships or universities, it's not surprising that a dream like mine would get squeezed out.
I really really do not want to work in the marketplace. It's no wonder all these stuff hold little appeal for me. FASS was more appealing than the rest, but it didn't tug at my heart. I don't really know what to do about the near future now. I feel like I keep asking God "is now the time yet? is now the time yet?" and am just waiting for Him to say, NOW! But yea, who knows when that will be? ( I wonder if I'm being to vague for ppl to understand what I'm talking about)
So now I'm seriously contemplating Tung Ling. Maybe it'll give me a better idea about what to do for the next 3 years of my life. That means reworking my holiday plan and not having more financial freedom. Sads. Ah well, we'll see.
Whatever the case, I've decided to stop being jealous of those people with exciting Christian lives. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! I refuse to die without having lived a true Christian life of excitement. Naive, but don't be jealous of me.
Finally, my mind is at equilibrium! :)
I managed to realize that I actually do have a dream. It's just that it got stuffed all the way to the back of my mind with words like "reality" and "practicality". Come on man, when you get spammed with e-mails on scholarship matters and university talks in school as well as conversations again about scholarships or universities, it's not surprising that a dream like mine would get squeezed out.
I really really do not want to work in the marketplace. It's no wonder all these stuff hold little appeal for me. FASS was more appealing than the rest, but it didn't tug at my heart. I don't really know what to do about the near future now. I feel like I keep asking God "is now the time yet? is now the time yet?" and am just waiting for Him to say, NOW! But yea, who knows when that will be? ( I wonder if I'm being to vague for ppl to understand what I'm talking about)
So now I'm seriously contemplating Tung Ling. Maybe it'll give me a better idea about what to do for the next 3 years of my life. That means reworking my holiday plan and not having more financial freedom. Sads. Ah well, we'll see.
Whatever the case, I've decided to stop being jealous of those people with exciting Christian lives. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! I refuse to die without having lived a true Christian life of excitement. Naive, but don't be jealous of me.
Finally, my mind is at equilibrium! :)
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Saw this on reader's digest.
There has always been plenty of anecdotal evidence when it comes to a link between music taste and personality, and now comes the scientific proof. A massive study of more than 36,000 people around the world has determined which of six character traits apply to lovers of each genre.
Blues: High self-esteem, creative, outgoing and at ease.
Rock/Heavy Metal: Low self-esteem, creative, not hardworking, not outgoing, gentle, at ease.
Rap: High self-esteem, outgoing.
Opera: High self-esteem, creative, gentle.
Country and Western: Hardworking, outgoing.
Soul: High self-esteem, creative, outgoing, gentle, at ease.
Reggae: High self-esteem, creative, not hardworking, outgoing, gentle, at ease.
Dance: Creative, outgoing, not gentle
Indie: Low self-esteem, creative, not hardworking, not gentle
Bollywood: Creative, outgoing
Jazz: High self-esteem, creative, outgoing and at ease
Classical Music: High self-esteem, creative, introvert and at ease
Chart Pop: High self-esteem, not creative, hardworking, not at ease
I kinda like Indie music. That means i have low self-esteem, am creative, not hardworking and not gentle. Cool. Seems kinda true. Lol.
There has always been plenty of anecdotal evidence when it comes to a link between music taste and personality, and now comes the scientific proof. A massive study of more than 36,000 people around the world has determined which of six character traits apply to lovers of each genre.
Blues: High self-esteem, creative, outgoing and at ease.
Rock/Heavy Metal: Low self-esteem, creative, not hardworking, not outgoing, gentle, at ease.
Rap: High self-esteem, outgoing.
Opera: High self-esteem, creative, gentle.
Country and Western: Hardworking, outgoing.
Soul: High self-esteem, creative, outgoing, gentle, at ease.
Reggae: High self-esteem, creative, not hardworking, outgoing, gentle, at ease.
Dance: Creative, outgoing, not gentle
Indie: Low self-esteem, creative, not hardworking, not gentle
Bollywood: Creative, outgoing
Jazz: High self-esteem, creative, outgoing and at ease
Classical Music: High self-esteem, creative, introvert and at ease
Chart Pop: High self-esteem, not creative, hardworking, not at ease
I kinda like Indie music. That means i have low self-esteem, am creative, not hardworking and not gentle. Cool. Seems kinda true. Lol.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh.
SIGH.
I got left behind in Bishan again. I hate the way I got upset. I hate the way I'm weak like a child, always craving for attention and approval of the people around me. Why can't I just let things go? Why am I so damn calculative and carry every freaking thing in my heart? What's worse is that every single wound inflicted, I've done it to others 10 times more.
I'm ugly. I'm really ugly on the inside. It's foul, rotting and smelly.
And now, I don't if I should be sad or angry or to laugh.
Already in a bad mood, I reached home and opened the mail box to receive a 2 pages long letter of complain. When I first read it I got more upset thinking about how they think it's me. But now that I re-read it I feel like laughing. They describe my brother's playing like it's noise pollution. Lol, i have nothing more to say.
I got left behind in Bishan again. I hate the way I got upset. I hate the way I'm weak like a child, always craving for attention and approval of the people around me. Why can't I just let things go? Why am I so damn calculative and carry every freaking thing in my heart? What's worse is that every single wound inflicted, I've done it to others 10 times more.
I'm ugly. I'm really ugly on the inside. It's foul, rotting and smelly.
And now, I don't if I should be sad or angry or to laugh.
Already in a bad mood, I reached home and opened the mail box to receive a 2 pages long letter of complain. When I first read it I got more upset thinking about how they think it's me. But now that I re-read it I feel like laughing. They describe my brother's playing like it's noise pollution. Lol, i have nothing more to say.
Monday, September 28, 2009
For once, despite my tiredness, I decided to be nice to my brother and entertain his request for help with the piano. I had barely gotten past the first line when the door bell rang. He went to get the door while I sat at the piano and waited. As usual, he played his childish prank of hiding behind the door while pulling it open slowly. The door opened to reveal my neighbour from upstairs, here to complain and request that I stop playing the piano after 9.30pm. She must have been really annoyed cause she said stuff like, "Yesterday you started playing at 10:55pm and today you started at 10:33pm." (wah, so exact!) The best part was, Jon stayed silent and out of view throughout the whole conversation, letting me take the rap when I've repeatedly told him not to play after 9!!
Just shoot me.
Just shoot me.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
I wonder if I'll ever be able to communicate as effectively verbally as I do through written words. It's annoying when I'm on a different frequency from everyone else coz it's so darn hard to communicate. Actually, maybe I don't communicate well through written words either coz people can misinterpret my posts as well. Sigh.
It's a bit scary to bare my soul on a public domain, but there's no better way for me to communicate than through this. There's a few things I want to blog about, but I guess I'll leave the rest to another day and just do one for now.
The truth is, about 1-2 months back I was actually going through a rather tough time. It's kinda hard to explain. I wasn't walking close to God but I hadn't rejected Him either coz I knew that He was the only one who really understood me and who is genuinely unconditionally heed-over-heels in love with me even though I couldn't feel it. But what I did do was to consciously choose to reject God's people. I made a decision to severe heart ties with the people in church. Ya I know I'm such a 2-face bitch because none of you could tell right? I still went to church and I still smiled at the right places, said the right things and did the right things (or at least what I thought was right). I just let everyone assume I was tired from mugging when I was really lugging an emotional baggage around.
Why cut ties? Coz I'm a sore loser.
I felt like I was missing out on a lot of church things because of my studies, like I was being left behind & forgotten, like no one understood or wanted to understand because understanding meant action had to be taken. It was so disappointing, my heart couldn't take it, so I decided to cut ties to stop the pain. Cut ties in the sense that I'll stop holding them as important people in my life. However I wasn't any happier. In fact, I felt like the sheep in the lion's mouth with yet another leg broken. If the good shepherd had not clung onto my one remaining good leg, who knows how long would it be before I get devoured completely? Thank God that when I was too helpless to help myself He came for me through the strangest of things, the LPP event. And so I came back.
Having gone through this, I pray God will help to make me a good watchman so I can help others like myself. It'll be too sad if people are lost because we were too busy to notice.
That said, I hope I haven't made anyone accountable for me feel like a failure! You guys are really really great people! I was just too trapped in self-pity and too sensitive to notice. I'm really thankful for each and every verse, prayer or word of encouragement given! :) Even though it's true that if we want to be hurt go to church, I think if we want to be healed also go to church!
It's a bit scary to bare my soul on a public domain, but there's no better way for me to communicate than through this. There's a few things I want to blog about, but I guess I'll leave the rest to another day and just do one for now.
The truth is, about 1-2 months back I was actually going through a rather tough time. It's kinda hard to explain. I wasn't walking close to God but I hadn't rejected Him either coz I knew that He was the only one who really understood me and who is genuinely unconditionally heed-over-heels in love with me even though I couldn't feel it. But what I did do was to consciously choose to reject God's people. I made a decision to severe heart ties with the people in church. Ya I know I'm such a 2-face bitch because none of you could tell right? I still went to church and I still smiled at the right places, said the right things and did the right things (or at least what I thought was right). I just let everyone assume I was tired from mugging when I was really lugging an emotional baggage around.
Why cut ties? Coz I'm a sore loser.
I felt like I was missing out on a lot of church things because of my studies, like I was being left behind & forgotten, like no one understood or wanted to understand because understanding meant action had to be taken. It was so disappointing, my heart couldn't take it, so I decided to cut ties to stop the pain. Cut ties in the sense that I'll stop holding them as important people in my life. However I wasn't any happier. In fact, I felt like the sheep in the lion's mouth with yet another leg broken. If the good shepherd had not clung onto my one remaining good leg, who knows how long would it be before I get devoured completely? Thank God that when I was too helpless to help myself He came for me through the strangest of things, the LPP event. And so I came back.
Having gone through this, I pray God will help to make me a good watchman so I can help others like myself. It'll be too sad if people are lost because we were too busy to notice.
That said, I hope I haven't made anyone accountable for me feel like a failure! You guys are really really great people! I was just too trapped in self-pity and too sensitive to notice. I'm really thankful for each and every verse, prayer or word of encouragement given! :) Even though it's true that if we want to be hurt go to church, I think if we want to be healed also go to church!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Dear God, I'm sorry.
I know studies is part of labour and everything, but my brain is tired and it refuses to start.
The long weekend was meant for intensive mugging but I ended up accomplishing little. Not that I didn't try, I just couldn't grasp whatever I was reading. And so it is that I find myself having 2 papers tmr with nothing in my brain at all. The part of me which likes to blame others for my downfall can't help but think it's so unfair. I'm already putting in the effort, I'm doing my part, so God why can't you do your part too and make my brain work like it's supposed to? It's so frustrating. And what's worse, I can't even rmb how to do the stuff I've supposedly cleared a month ago. Why? Why aren't things the same as 2 years ago?
Yet even though I don't know why things are like this, I still thank you for loving me despite my bad personality and everything. Even if I go into the exam hall tmr not knowing how to do the paper, at least I go in knowing You are with me and that is enough. The doors You shut no one can open and the doors You open no one can shut. I'll keep doing my part so You keep doing Yours too even if I can't comprehend what it is.
May the peace of God which transcends ALL understanding guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
I know studies is part of labour and everything, but my brain is tired and it refuses to start.
The long weekend was meant for intensive mugging but I ended up accomplishing little. Not that I didn't try, I just couldn't grasp whatever I was reading. And so it is that I find myself having 2 papers tmr with nothing in my brain at all. The part of me which likes to blame others for my downfall can't help but think it's so unfair. I'm already putting in the effort, I'm doing my part, so God why can't you do your part too and make my brain work like it's supposed to? It's so frustrating. And what's worse, I can't even rmb how to do the stuff I've supposedly cleared a month ago. Why? Why aren't things the same as 2 years ago?
Yet even though I don't know why things are like this, I still thank you for loving me despite my bad personality and everything. Even if I go into the exam hall tmr not knowing how to do the paper, at least I go in knowing You are with me and that is enough. The doors You shut no one can open and the doors You open no one can shut. I'll keep doing my part so You keep doing Yours too even if I can't comprehend what it is.
May the peace of God which transcends ALL understanding guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
Monday, September 21, 2009
I did it.
It feels like quite some time since I last saw any part of Singapore in the dark other than my school and my house. On impluse, and at such a bad timing too right smack in the middle of prelims, I hung out with church people at night. We didn't talk about meaningful stuff, we didn't do anything special, but it was really really nice just rubbing shoulders with those people once again. It was the same, yet not the same, and that made me sad.
It's really true. A moment is fleeting. Never again will a same group of people gather together in the same manner for a same purpose. So treasure those moments that you have with the people around you.
It feels like quite some time since I last saw any part of Singapore in the dark other than my school and my house. On impluse, and at such a bad timing too right smack in the middle of prelims, I hung out with church people at night. We didn't talk about meaningful stuff, we didn't do anything special, but it was really really nice just rubbing shoulders with those people once again. It was the same, yet not the same, and that made me sad.
It's really true. A moment is fleeting. Never again will a same group of people gather together in the same manner for a same purpose. So treasure those moments that you have with the people around you.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Sometimes it creeps back, that sense of isolation and irrational bouts of fear.
In a sense it can't be help. I can't run to the people I feel like running to because I might get too comfortable and refuse to go back to my studies. So if I'm not mugging with my friends then I'm pretty much, alone.
At times like this when it creeps back, I'm thankful that faith shouldn't be based on feelings alone. I'm glad that how I feel about God doesn't change who He is, and how I feel about myself doesn't change how He feels about me. Those are truths, facts, that don't change with my feelings. So I'm glad.
There isn't much to say about the papers so far except for the last paper on friday. About 50 mins into the Econs paper, my brain stopped working. I felt so sick of sitting at a desk and using my brain that all I wanted to do was to run out of the exam hall, jump around and scream. Too bad for me, common sense was still in place and I managed to restrain myself. I got back to doing the paper after 10 mins of fidgeting but my oh my, what an experience!
Sometimes we get so caught up with what's happening before our eyes that we don't even notice what it's doing to us.
In a sense it can't be help. I can't run to the people I feel like running to because I might get too comfortable and refuse to go back to my studies. So if I'm not mugging with my friends then I'm pretty much, alone.
At times like this when it creeps back, I'm thankful that faith shouldn't be based on feelings alone. I'm glad that how I feel about God doesn't change who He is, and how I feel about myself doesn't change how He feels about me. Those are truths, facts, that don't change with my feelings. So I'm glad.
There isn't much to say about the papers so far except for the last paper on friday. About 50 mins into the Econs paper, my brain stopped working. I felt so sick of sitting at a desk and using my brain that all I wanted to do was to run out of the exam hall, jump around and scream. Too bad for me, common sense was still in place and I managed to restrain myself. I got back to doing the paper after 10 mins of fidgeting but my oh my, what an experience!
Sometimes we get so caught up with what's happening before our eyes that we don't even notice what it's doing to us.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Brain saturated.
I've never mugged so hard in my life before, yet somehow it still doesn't feel enough. I know I know, As isn't the biggest darn thing in the world. But doing the same thing day in day out, it's kinda understandable if you become a bit myopic isn't it?
Ever since the LPP event, I think I've started to climb out of the hole I was in. I still don't know if I was actually running away from God or not. I could never deny His existence, but He had no place in my life for awhile. So what's that? I just know that the whole time I felt tired and sad. It's really like the Donut song: "It may be okay for awhile, but the truth will wipe away your smile. Coz there is something sad in me I can't control, when I think about the donut hole!"
ahhaha! Well it's good to be back, see the sun and the clear blue skies! I've had enough of walking in the dark.
I've never mugged so hard in my life before, yet somehow it still doesn't feel enough. I know I know, As isn't the biggest darn thing in the world. But doing the same thing day in day out, it's kinda understandable if you become a bit myopic isn't it?
Ever since the LPP event, I think I've started to climb out of the hole I was in. I still don't know if I was actually running away from God or not. I could never deny His existence, but He had no place in my life for awhile. So what's that? I just know that the whole time I felt tired and sad. It's really like the Donut song: "It may be okay for awhile, but the truth will wipe away your smile. Coz there is something sad in me I can't control, when I think about the donut hole!"
ahhaha! Well it's good to be back, see the sun and the clear blue skies! I've had enough of walking in the dark.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Monday, September 07, 2009
When you're in love, no matter what your mind tells your heart to do, you heart will stubbornly go it's own way. It's the same with faith sometimes. In my mind I know that God is still real, He hasn't abandoned me and neither have my friends, yet my heart remains cold and lonely just refusing to accept that fact.
That, was what I wanted to blog about at the start of the day. But after helping out at today's LPP event I don't quite know what to make of my heart or my mind anymore. It's been a strange day.
Now that I think about it, this may be the first time I've been a receptionist (can't recall any other time). I don't know why I ended up staying to help today when my khakis weren't around and I wasn't even interested in the concert. Maybe I just didn't want to study. It was weird that although I felt a bit awkward having to speak some chinese to strangers, I wasn't uncomfortable.
When I first saw LPP performing on screen, I giggled because of her funny gestures. But when I shut my eyes and listen, goose pimples came out even though I understood only 5% of what she was singing. Strange.
Everything new that I did today was awkward but not uncomfortable. The only familiar thing I did was to play the keys for awhile and that left me feeling awkward AND uncomfortable. All I could think of was that I still hate the sound of the yamaha keyboard and I haven't improved at all since 1 year ago (so why am I going to vietnam?).
I don't know what I'm trying to point out. Maybe all I've shown is my narrow mindedness. While most people are thinking 'harvest harvest', I was only thinking about how I felt. But if it counts for anything, despite how strange everything was for me today I ended it feeling the most peaceful I've ever felt in a long while. Perhaps it's the same lesson as the one learnt from the Berakit mission trip. God doesn't just work in the hearts of the 'targeted' people but also in the hearts of the unsuspecting workers. Today I turned out to be an unsuspecting worker.
That, was what I wanted to blog about at the start of the day. But after helping out at today's LPP event I don't quite know what to make of my heart or my mind anymore. It's been a strange day.
Now that I think about it, this may be the first time I've been a receptionist (can't recall any other time). I don't know why I ended up staying to help today when my khakis weren't around and I wasn't even interested in the concert. Maybe I just didn't want to study. It was weird that although I felt a bit awkward having to speak some chinese to strangers, I wasn't uncomfortable.
When I first saw LPP performing on screen, I giggled because of her funny gestures. But when I shut my eyes and listen, goose pimples came out even though I understood only 5% of what she was singing. Strange.
Everything new that I did today was awkward but not uncomfortable. The only familiar thing I did was to play the keys for awhile and that left me feeling awkward AND uncomfortable. All I could think of was that I still hate the sound of the yamaha keyboard and I haven't improved at all since 1 year ago (so why am I going to vietnam?).
I don't know what I'm trying to point out. Maybe all I've shown is my narrow mindedness. While most people are thinking 'harvest harvest', I was only thinking about how I felt. But if it counts for anything, despite how strange everything was for me today I ended it feeling the most peaceful I've ever felt in a long while. Perhaps it's the same lesson as the one learnt from the Berakit mission trip. God doesn't just work in the hearts of the 'targeted' people but also in the hearts of the unsuspecting workers. Today I turned out to be an unsuspecting worker.
Saturday, September 05, 2009
Wasted 1 whole week away, practically didn't study at all.
I still keep doing this swinging thing and it's like that for everything.
Kay, must make it a point to return back to hardcore mugging on monday.
Our folder of certificates was left lying on my parent's bed yesterday, probably due to packing and stuff. While flipping through my file (the thickest out of the 3 of us), I realized I was a pretty active as a kid. But it's like, the older I got, the more I gave in to excuses and started cutting down my activities one by one till what I am today. I'm inches away from becoming a full-blown slacker. Looking at the many sixes on my bro's certs, I wonder if Os were really that hard or is it just that they couldn't be bothered? And I wonder if that's what the students at the top think of students like me?
I told my mom that I didn't want to grow old. If I didn't have kids, I would prefer to die when I'm around 50 plus. Coz I don't want to slowly lose my ability to reason, hear, see and also to be treated like crap. Then I told my mom that I think I'm weird, and I think my whole family is weird, and basically, everyone is weird so maybe it's normal. Then my mom said "no, we're not weird, why do you think like that? That's a very weird way a thinking."
I still keep doing this swinging thing and it's like that for everything.
Kay, must make it a point to return back to hardcore mugging on monday.
Our folder of certificates was left lying on my parent's bed yesterday, probably due to packing and stuff. While flipping through my file (the thickest out of the 3 of us), I realized I was a pretty active as a kid. But it's like, the older I got, the more I gave in to excuses and started cutting down my activities one by one till what I am today. I'm inches away from becoming a full-blown slacker. Looking at the many sixes on my bro's certs, I wonder if Os were really that hard or is it just that they couldn't be bothered? And I wonder if that's what the students at the top think of students like me?
I told my mom that I didn't want to grow old. If I didn't have kids, I would prefer to die when I'm around 50 plus. Coz I don't want to slowly lose my ability to reason, hear, see and also to be treated like crap. Then I told my mom that I think I'm weird, and I think my whole family is weird, and basically, everyone is weird so maybe it's normal. Then my mom said "no, we're not weird, why do you think like that? That's a very weird way a thinking."
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Didn't sleep very well last night coz family has an annoying habit of talking right outside my room since it's inbetween theirs. Not confident of GP paper since I was half-dazed. Oh well, soon I can't be disturbed even I wanted to.
11 days to start of Prelim proper.
ipod is crap. I miss my fully functional P2.
ipod is crap. I miss my fully functional P2.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Mugging has formed it's own routine.
Wow, i've been spending 14hours in school each day and about 2 hours travelling which leaves me with 8 hours at home, of which 6 hours is spent sleeping and 2 hours for comp and bathing. No life! My only relief comes in the form of playing tap tap and spot the diff. What the heck.
And what's worse, LDMR is kicking in and mugging is getting less effective each day.
If I were to use running as an analogy, this is the point where you stop thinking about anything except putting one foot in front of the other. Left right left right left right... and on it goes.
Wow, i've been spending 14hours in school each day and about 2 hours travelling which leaves me with 8 hours at home, of which 6 hours is spent sleeping and 2 hours for comp and bathing. No life! My only relief comes in the form of playing tap tap and spot the diff. What the heck.
And what's worse, LDMR is kicking in and mugging is getting less effective each day.
If I were to use running as an analogy, this is the point where you stop thinking about anything except putting one foot in front of the other. Left right left right left right... and on it goes.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Stressed!
Everytime I flip through my purple planner and I look at the syllabus, I really wonder how is it possible to cover everything in time. How can Physics become so majorly hard that there isn't a single topic that I can fully do when Physics used to be my best subject?! And I can't believe the geog department isn't going to teach us the essay part of Atmosphere but only the DRQ!! What the heck is wrong with my school!? GAH!
I wonder if I'm suffering from depression? Hah. At least I'm not suicidal. Yet.
I shocked myself yesterday and today by cracking lame jokes, laughing and feeling more energetic in school. It was such a big change from berakit where I was tired all the time. Does this mean something or am I reading too much into things? It's almost as if I have a double life.
I'm kinda hesitant about Vietnam. Despite what I've been saying about the rush and lack of preparation time, I suspect the truth is, I'm afraid that by the time my As are over, I would have been too far gone to have anything left to give. That, and I'm not sure if I'll know how to interact with the people in church anymore.
You're a coward for not speaking up liz. And no one knows the right questions to ask to get the right answers.
Everytime I flip through my purple planner and I look at the syllabus, I really wonder how is it possible to cover everything in time. How can Physics become so majorly hard that there isn't a single topic that I can fully do when Physics used to be my best subject?! And I can't believe the geog department isn't going to teach us the essay part of Atmosphere but only the DRQ!! What the heck is wrong with my school!? GAH!
I wonder if I'm suffering from depression? Hah. At least I'm not suicidal. Yet.
I shocked myself yesterday and today by cracking lame jokes, laughing and feeling more energetic in school. It was such a big change from berakit where I was tired all the time. Does this mean something or am I reading too much into things? It's almost as if I have a double life.
I'm kinda hesitant about Vietnam. Despite what I've been saying about the rush and lack of preparation time, I suspect the truth is, I'm afraid that by the time my As are over, I would have been too far gone to have anything left to give. That, and I'm not sure if I'll know how to interact with the people in church anymore.
You're a coward for not speaking up liz. And no one knows the right questions to ask to get the right answers.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Back from Indonesia!
The food at the hotel sure has improved over the 2 years I was gone. It was so shiok, I came back fatter even after 'downloading'! How ironic :/
I think my body is screwed up. Nowadays, the only time I ever feel awake is when I'm using my brain. It was quite terrible to feel physically tired throughout the whole trip eventhough I wasn't doing much and I have been getting a decent 6+hours of sleep the past few days. So weird right?
It's not just my body that's screwed up though, my soul is screwed up too. I can't seem to shake off this gloomy feeling no matter how hard I try. It only goes away when I'm studying coz I'm concentrating too hard to notice anything else. But the moment I stop, it comes back, and no matter who I'm with I keep feeling like I'm missing someone or something. What the heck is wrong with me? Blah, stupid sheep! Where's my shepherd?
So, in a month's time my parents will be off to Perth. I used to think that I outgrew my spoilt youngest child syndrome years ago, but I think the truth is I'm still spoilt by my family, just that I try not to exploit it too much now that I'm older(lol). In a month's time, there will be no mummy to pamper me when I'm sick or make funny drinks to keep me in good health. There will be no daddy to depend on for transport or to indulge my cravings. And with Tim off to army, there's no one to bully or take my pms out on. Wah, how can I lose 3 people by the end of my Prelims? It's quite scary to really think about it, especially with As around the corner and a big question mark for next year. God, you'll get me through this right? Coz I still have the church as my family right? right..?
10 days to Prelim
33 days to an empty house
57 days till I turn 18
78 days to As
100 days to freedom and to Vietnam
I actually counted everything
The food at the hotel sure has improved over the 2 years I was gone. It was so shiok, I came back fatter even after 'downloading'! How ironic :/
I think my body is screwed up. Nowadays, the only time I ever feel awake is when I'm using my brain. It was quite terrible to feel physically tired throughout the whole trip eventhough I wasn't doing much and I have been getting a decent 6+hours of sleep the past few days. So weird right?
It's not just my body that's screwed up though, my soul is screwed up too. I can't seem to shake off this gloomy feeling no matter how hard I try. It only goes away when I'm studying coz I'm concentrating too hard to notice anything else. But the moment I stop, it comes back, and no matter who I'm with I keep feeling like I'm missing someone or something. What the heck is wrong with me? Blah, stupid sheep! Where's my shepherd?
So, in a month's time my parents will be off to Perth. I used to think that I outgrew my spoilt youngest child syndrome years ago, but I think the truth is I'm still spoilt by my family, just that I try not to exploit it too much now that I'm older(lol). In a month's time, there will be no mummy to pamper me when I'm sick or make funny drinks to keep me in good health. There will be no daddy to depend on for transport or to indulge my cravings. And with Tim off to army, there's no one to bully or take my pms out on. Wah, how can I lose 3 people by the end of my Prelims? It's quite scary to really think about it, especially with As around the corner and a big question mark for next year. God, you'll get me through this right? Coz I still have the church as my family right? right..?
10 days to Prelim
33 days to an empty house
57 days till I turn 18
78 days to As
100 days to freedom and to Vietnam
I actually counted everything
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