Margins

Hello. I'm back. To ramble. Hoping there's some beauty in the mess.

I'm here because I want to invest in my growth. The funny thing about growth is that it often comes by confronting our wicked and ugly self and reflecting upon it. To do so, I need to pen down my thoughts. Because you don't really know what you think about something until you commit it in writing. So here I am. 

Two weeks ago, my teammate had a heart attack. We were in a foreign land. I was somewhat useless. By God's grace she survived and is okay now. But that has made all of us examine our priorities and our values. 

When I came back, I cut my hair short after wearing it long for 15 years. Somehow I started dressing a bit younger and letting myself be younger too. Previously, there's been this weird thing I have going on in my head about how I need to be an adult even though I feel like I don't know how to be one. I think I tried to psycho and fake my way into adulthood. But heck. I should just be young or old or whatever as long as I am me. #YOLO. And me just wanted to be different.

But today, I had a wake up call. Hello child. Don't you think that reflections on life and death matters, should really go beyond a haircut and clothes? 

My teammate had a heart attack while I was on duty, as a team leader. The word "leader", will continue to haunt me for some time. In the moments that followed that critical moment, there were some bad decisions made and oversights that caused another teammate to suffer. I was the leader. I was responsible for my team. But I froze. I left a trembling and panic-stricken first responder to handle everything. We saved the life of one teammate but at the expense of another's mental and emotional well-being. 

As I am reflecting on this, I am also horrified by my first instincts. I want to whine. Why am I a leader? Now I have to be the responsible one. I am not ready for this. I don't want to be a leader. Leadership is tough and for noble idiots. It's too much work, too high a calling, too little appreciation, too little returns. I'm fumbling and crumbling. I want to quit.

But the more sensible part of me says that I can't quit. I must not quit. It'll be good for me. And if I can't quit, then my only option left is to grow to be a better leader. 

So. What makes a good leader? 

There are many aspects of leadership and many different styles. So much of myself to examine.

With experience, I've come to realize that I am quick to take charge in operational elements but often fail in providing pastoral care. I've managed to survive because I've often been in leadership with a team. There will always be someone who steps into the role of the good parent / teddy bear, and that leaves me free to conveniently slip into the operational details. It's not that I do not have care for my team, but I just struggle with going down deep and dirty into the emotional mess people often get themselves into. I'm really awkward with emotions. I panic, I freeze, I hide. I rehearse scripts in my mind a thousand times, trying to find the best way to convey care with sensitivity but nothing seems to be right. 

So I give up and end up staying silent. Better to say nothing than to say the wrong thing, that's what I thought. But I'm learning that silence from a leader, is never silent and only ever deafening. Silence creeps people out even more. Silence screams indifference. 

My team deserves more from me. My team deserves pastoral care. They should know they are valued, that they matter, that they are really as precious and beloved as the bible says they are.

I need to bring my heart into my leadership. But I have locked it up deep within for too long. Previously, my workplaces never needed it. I'm Chinese and Singaporean. No one wants to hear how you feel. Stay objective and consistent. Never personal. Relational enough to hit your goal. Emotions are bad. That's why female bosses are bad.

I have to fight years of conditioning and lies to bring my heart into my leadership. And even when I do, I'm so unskilled at wielding it, it comes out in a blubbering mess. I am a mess. I still don't really know if I am a feeler or a thinker in my myers briggs. I feel too much, so I live as a thinker. 

Leadership. Big word.

I've written so much, but I'm not sure if it has helped me to understand that word any better. But my boss says the first step is to create "margins" for reflection because they'll bring growth. This post is my first margin. Let's see where this goes. 

Elizabeth chirped at 11:53 PM | No comments

Becoming an adult in a foreign land

Hello, it's me.

526 days. That's how long it's been since I last blogged. In that time, I got engaged, married, moved to Malaysia, and moved us to a new apartment that finally feels like home. As I take a moment to reflect, I'm surprised to find a new sense of steadiness and confidence that wasn't there before. It feels like somewhere in those 526 days, I grew up and became an... adult.

There's something about physically leaving your home that finalizes the end of your adolescence. The break is even cleaner in my instance as I moved out of the country. On my first visit back to Singapore, we had trouble finding a place to stay. As I drifted in and out of sleep on the sofa in a place that used to be so familiar to me, I knew then that I didn't belong here any more. If there was no place to rest and to just be, then this is not my home anymore.

So we started building our home in Selangor, where neither of us grew up and where we had no kin here. Everything is a little bit more difficult because we are not known here. We had no reputation and no one to vouch for us. It made me realize how many of the opportunities I had in the past came because of a good reputation. In church, I was my father's daughter. Though the other adults didn't know me, they are likely to take a chance on me because they knew my father and the kind of man he is. In school and the workforce, the recruiters gave me a chance because my school had a good name and branding. But here, my past and pedigree meant nothing. I was Joseph's wife and had to live off the reputation he had painstakingly built for himself in the past 3 years. Both the good and the bad.

Yet at every difficult turn in this foreign land, we were met by lots of kindness and grace from strangers and friends. We expected nothing from these folks and were extremely touched by their generosity and friendship. It has been an honour for me to have had deep and very personal conversations with several precious souls who took the time to learn my story.

5 months in, I've learnt to embrace this place as my home now. We just moved to a new place that I help picked and furnished according to our taste and preference. It's filled with nice things that we enjoy and can afford. In 2 weeks, I'll be starting a new job and finally have a semblance of normality here.

Coming from a generation of trolls and memes, I thought I'll never really know how to 'adult'. It's almost like a fear or desire to never grow up. But what seemed so impossible in the past is now within my reach. There's still so much more to learn and experience I know, but for now at least I'm doing okay. Everything's gonna be okay.

Elizabeth chirped at 4:54 PM | No comments

One year in

April 25th.

One year ago, I started my work back in Singapore. It's not where I wanted to be, but where I was forced to be. I wrestled and I fought. Like a petulant child, I raged against my Father. I skipped church and cell, refusing to sow into a place that I did not want to be. If I could not have what I wanted, then no one could have me.

Oh what a fool I was. Yet, even in my foolish anger and in the midst of all the things I couldn't understand, something in me resolved to still choose Him - whatever that meant. I was no theologian and had no capacity for complex thinking at that time. I was spent. But surely, walking with the poor couldn't be far from what's on His heart. And that choice, has made all the difference.

I do love where I am right now. I see His hand in my office and in my work. As I stand here reflecting on the year that has passed, I can't help but marvel at how He has once again made something beautiful out of my mess. He remains faithful even when I'm faithless. I feel like a fool for fretting and shaking, waging a whole battle by myself, when He never once was shaken or moved from rest. All this time, I was but a flea bouncing around in the hands of an unshakable God.

Second time round flopping in life, it has become evident to me that it was never about my strength to follow, but always about His goodness and ability to lead. I was a complete beast, and yet somehow here I am. Favoured and blessed. Such faithfulness is too much for me to fathom. I thought I already knew He was faithful, but once again He strikes me dumb. Always pulling me in deeper, just when I'm starting to think I know enough.

Elizabeth chirped at 1:26 AM | No comments

Wrestling to Abide

Almost 2 months in. I've gone through the mental and emotional turmoil of relocation and was just starting to settle in when I hit a wall. Now I'm stuck, waiting, hoping for a miracle, stretching my faith and endurance as much as I can before I call it quits. Here in the waiting when everything seems so uncertain and beyond my control, I find myself put to test.

When the doors seem closed, is it opposition or is it God's will or could it both? In the multitude of voices and opinions, how do I tell who is friend or foe? Can I trust myself and my way of sifting through the chaos in hopes of finding what is real and true?

Looking at my mess and staring at the closed doors, I find myself second guessing and regretting. Maybe I heard Him wrong. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten such a useless degree. Maybe I should have waited. But when I look back at the altars in my life, I recall that my seemingly useless degree is a testimony of faith and of His grace. I remember that when I chose to leap, I always knew that I could fall but trusted that even if I fell it would be right into His loving arms. So just as I have trusted Him all these years, I have to trust Him now even when nothing seems to be making sense.

And perhaps, I was getting exactly what I asked for. I chose the path less travelled because I knew maturity came only through the trials and testings. So why did I expect anything less than trials and obstacles while I am walking down this path? Oh silly me. And perhaps, in the wise words of a friend, it is not just about changing a place through me, but changing me through a place. How could I have forgotten that? That He is just as interested in my heart, as He is in the hearts of those around me. That yes, He will have His inheritance. Starting with my heart.

Already, I have seen the junk in my heart being revealed in the trials of relocation. As the temperature rises, so must I dig deeper to remain in a place of peace. In times like this, there is only one place to turn to for an anchor. So while wrestling with all these in the prayer room, I flip open my bible and find myself face to face with the very words I've spent all of 2015 preaching.

Hebrews 10:36-39
You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For, “In just a little while, he who is coming will come and will not delay.” And, “But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take no pleasure in the one who shrinks back.”
But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Romans 5:3-5

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

As I meditated on His Word, it started to sink in slowly but surely. Illuminating all that is true and washing away all the lies and fears, till all that's left is a quiet assurance in my heart.

Though I may suffer a little while (be it as a consequence of my own actions or not), I know the end of the story. My heart looks towards the union and victory promised at the end of time, and the certainty of this gives me hope for my present. It is not time to shrink back and hide, but to stand and persevere. Not necessarily in sticking to the plan because His ways are mysterious and crazy. But to persevere through faith in the hope of the glory that lies ahead. This messiness will pass. So breathe, steady my heart. It is well. If not my circumstance, at least with my soul.

Elizabeth chirped at 2:42 AM | No comments

On the Edge of

Standing at the edge and staring at a formless future, fear begins to creep in. What have I done? It feels as if my body has been in possession of another all these while, and I have only just awaken to find myself in a place I don't recognize. I survey my surroundings in an attempt to regain my bearings, but all I see is an endless wasteland with signs pointing me straight ahead. Signs set up by the other self to show me the way should I wake. I do not know if I can trust this other self, but everything has been set into motion and it seems I have no choice but to leap off the edge. To leap or not to leap? I hesitate. Unwilling to jump but unable to take a step back. I stand there frozen in place.

I stood, for what must have been mere moments but felt like an eternity. Till my eyes landed on a little book lying on the ground. I pick it up and begin to read the words scribbled in my own handwriting.

28 May 2011
Well-building in the village. It's really different here. The lifestyle, the scenery, the people. It's all so different from home. You don't realize how small your world is till you travel out. I pray I remember all these. 

Deep in my heart, there is still that dream for a different life, an exciting life, with the one I love. Every year a different country, helping people, loving them, sharing with them. I feel so helpless and so far from it. But I keep it in prayer. Someday Lord, bring me there. I feel so inept now but I pray You grow me big and strong. Since I met You, I always wanted to become someone great for You. I read books and I wanted to become like them, swept by a radical kind of Christianity. I am 20 now, call me. Call me some day. Call me and my husband. Call us both. One day I will go. Until then, prepare me, let me first be fruitful with my girls in Singapore. Then call me. My heart is full. Remember liz, remember.

That's when I remembered and that's when I knew that the self that was in control right now, is not the real me. Or rather, even though it is me, but it didn't have to be in possession of me. It is the self that has lost sight of the goal and been blinded by fear. It is the self that would shrink away and disappear like darkness when the light of vision breaks in. And the light did break in as I recalled the vision of my heart when I was a youth.

It's crazy how the prayers I made in brief but powerful moments of encounter, can break into my life even in the future. I didn't know what I was doing then, but I must have been speaking life and sowing great seeds into my own spirit. That at my darkest moment, my old self can call out to me and bring me back into the light. So I've already learnt that I'm here today because of the prayers of many unseen and unknown faces that have prayed and called me forth. But it just blows my mind to know that one of the many great people who have invested into my life, is actually my young naive self that so easily believed and trusted in the Lord. Say whaaaaaaat?!

So in the midst of the hesitation and second guessing, I remember that this leap has been a long time coming. I've been waiting all my life to embark on this journey. Now isn't the time for second guessing but for celebrating His faithfulness in answering the cry of my youth. Of course, I'm aware that my expectations then were tinged with idealism but the heart cry remains the same. I'm leaping because I'm hungry for more, and to get more I need to leap. So off I go, into the unknown. Maybe this will be the best decision ever, or maybe it'll be the worst. The only way to know is to go, and hope that whatever comes, it's gonna be worth it all in the end.

Elizabeth chirped at 3:52 AM | No comments

My Heritage

They reaped not where they laboured
We reaped what they have sown
Our harvest may be garnered
By ages yet unknown

So I was walking and absorbed by my own thoughts when this hymn randomly came to mind. I started singing it, but kept getting the verses mixed up and had to google the lyrics just to get it right. As I took a moment to reflect, I was struck by how the song was celebrating the generations of labourers. It spoke about those who had gone before, my role here today and the generations to come. I am reaping what I had not sown, and even if I do not reap what I had sown, I can trust that I'm leaving something for the next generation to continue. And on and on it goes. Never ending, but growing from one generation to the next.

Before us and beside us
Still holden in Thy hand
A cloud of unseen witness
Our elder comrades stand
One family unbroken
We join with one acclaim
One heart one voice uplifting
To glorify Thy name

One family unbroken, to glorify His name. OH WOW. How could I not see this before?! How could I have sang this for 8 years of my schooling life and not have given any thought to what I was singing? And as I continued to sing it under my breath, I saw in my mind's eye, a chorus of voices singing together with me. I saw the generations who had gone before me, the ones who first sang this and I got a glimpse of the founder's heart. I saw how the vision of one woman birthed a whole school based on principles of the bible that continues even till today.

A missionary from London, so moved by compassion for the Mui Tsais she stumbled upon, that she started a school for homeless girls to be equipped with skills and instructed in the Christian faith. And I could imagine that the cry of her heart for the girls was for them to grow equally in skill and in knowledge of Christ. To be of worth, both internally and externally. And perhaps she spent many days in prayer, crying out to the Lord to raise up godly young women through the school, who would be known for charity, patience and devotion.

School Song
In these sound walls a goodly learning frame
Who here abide true kindliness impart
With steadfast love, devotion firm inflame
The fire that waits in every heart.

For charity, patience,
Devotion let's be known.
These qualities St. Margaret's shown
On which our school has grown.

We learn to serve our God, our State, our School
In service free for neighbour, home and friend
So may we keep the all embracing rule
In care for all our lives to spend

When life brings pain, when trials us defy
Our faith, our hope, our discipline require
Us to withstand respond with spirit high
St. Margaret's shall again inspire.

Will you look at that. It sounds almost burning heartsy. Keep my heart steady! haha.

And it dawned on me, that this, is my heritage.

And that it is God, in His wisdom, who intentionally gave me such a beautiful heritage.

My memory of my times in St Margaret's are beautiful. I really enjoyed my time in the school and often recall my days there with fondness. It did wonders for my self-worth at a time when we were all beginning to become our own person. No one ever told me that I couldn't do certain things just because I was a girl, and I was allowed to dream big and to find my own voice and place in the world.

I have always been grateful for that. But today, I start to recognize that perhaps the seeds of compassion and boldness I find in my heart today, were in fact sown during my times there. It wasn't just the curriculum or the school, but it was actually the prayers of the saints who had gone before and their vision for the next generation, that begin the work in my heart. It was because someone cried out to God for young women to arise, that He did it in my heart as an answer to their prayers.

Oh Gosh. It's crazy right? T.T

So even though I don't know what lies ahead, and even if I may not see get to see the fruits of my labour, I know where I come from and I know who will reap them. Not a thing will go to waste, when we're part of this one unbroken family :)

Elizabeth chirped at 4:30 AM | No comments

The Joy of the Process

It's December! Can't believe that there's only a month left till I move.

I first made the decision to move at the start of the year, so it's been a long time of waiting and preparing for the next season. There were moments when I got so bored in the waiting, that it was sheer honor to my commitments that kept me from just uprooting myself and moving right away. But looking at what God has been doing in my heart in the past months, it has become evident to me that He intentionally sets us in seasons of waiting to yield certain fruits that could only come by waiting. It has made me lean in and given me much more clarity in my thoughts as I processed them with Him.

My decision to move may have started because I was thinking about my relationship and the practical steps we should take if we our goal was marriage. However, it was my hunger for more that drove my choice. At that time, I was in a season where I was upset with the culture that I was in and the bad fruits that it has produced in me. The comfort of the culture had made me lazy, complacent and inward looking, and there was a deep cry in my heart that there had to be more than this. I wanted to grow, to become bigger and bolder, and I knew that it was only through trials and testings that I would grow. I had to put myself out there, and so I choose the path less travelled, hoping that it would make all the difference.

Part of my desire to grow, was because I loved the flock. I felt like I had said and done what I could, yet there was little change. And maybe it was me who had to change and grow, that there may be authority in my words if I did them with my life. I didn't realize it then, as I do now, that at the heart of it, what I really wanted was to be a voice that counts. A voice crying in the wilderness, to prepare the way for my Lord, to get the bride ready for His return.

It's funny how I internalize the things I've been hearing in burning hearts for more than a year, only when I'm about to leave. But that's the most amazing thing isn't it? That I was right about the need for change and challenges in order to grow. The preparation for moving has been painful, but it was giving me the growth I so badly wanted. I had thought that I needed to move before any of the growth I wanted to come. But just by setting my heart on the goal and preparing myself, I was already changing and growing.

Because it was madness to take the path less travelled, I had opportunities to share my heart and my vision with many. And because I had many such conversations, my thoughts and explanation became clearer and my voice got stronger. I was challenging people to rethink Christianity, and revealing the Father's eternal plan for His children.

The most unexpected opportunity I had, was to share with my mom. As I made time for her, and turned my heart towards her, I believe I was slowly turning her heart towards the Father. It is my prayer that some of the things she never had the opportunity to experience in her life would be found in mine, that it would help her to see and understand the crazy loving ways of God. That through my life, there may be redemption and healing for some of the wrongs she had experienced in hers.

So I'm into my final month before I go. What lies ahead? I do not know. But I trust in His love and faithfulness to take me from strength to strength through the trials and the pain. It's gonna be worth it! :)

Elizabeth chirped at 3:41 AM | No comments

Autumn Romance

Take me back to the beautiful European autumn!

It's that time of the year again when the weather changes and all I want to do is to be tangled with my sheets listening to the falling rain. It's making me all sappy and unleashes my inner saccharine. Especially when I put on some chill acoustic music. I close my eyes and memories of Europe come flooding back so vividly, it leaves me aching and wanting.

I recall walking alone in the crisp air, drinking in the magic of autumn that turns leaves into brilliant shades of red and gold like fire blazing in an otherwise clammy day. My heart gets caught in my throat as I get lost in the allure of autumn, and I can't help but turn my thoughts towards the One who has flames in His eyes. It almost feels like I'm being drawn into a slow and mesmerizing dance with an intensely wild and romantic lover. All my defences are brought low by the onslaught of love till I'm laid bare before His piercing gaze. In that moment, I become aware that I'm fully known. That He knows the secret ways to my heart because He knows it in its entirety. And in my nakedness, I find a freedom that comes from being fully known by Love. My fears and shame they fade away, soothed by the gentle arms of love.

It's no surprise why being thrown into autumn after an intense heartbreak brought new depths of intimacy in my walk. It's like He knew just the way to sooth my aching heart and wooed me with His love. I am forever changed, swept up in a grand love affair.

I hope some day I get to go back and visit the magic of autumn. Though that now seems like an impossible dream the way things are heading in life. But still, I'll carry it in my heart and in my memories as proof of His relentless love for me.

Elizabeth chirped at 1:44 AM | No comments

Unrelenting Love

'cause You don't take back

the words You have spoken

and You don't take back

the love You have given

Possibly my favourite chorus/refrain made so far :) Some choruses are crafted with thought and intention. But some like this one, just writes itself spontaneously from seemingly nowhere. I heard it in my head and started to sing it softly but came in at the wrong timing. While tempted to abort it out of embarrassment, I took a deep breathe, shut my eyes and tried again. And this time it took off. Hahaha, this Wednesday set is really doing wonders for my soul. But yes, somewhere between singing about running into the arms of the Father and weakness, this came up. 

God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?
- Num 23:19

Crazy isn't it? We're so flippant with our words and our affections that it's so easy to view God the same way. We think that maybe the things He's said in the past when we were closer to Him wouldn't be valid anymore when we're in the pits. That somehow His love for us will run out, His patience would end, His affections will be taken back when we make mistakes. But that's not how He is. He won't take them back, not just because He can't, as if He was bound by a higher authority that forces Him to do things against His will. But as the highest authority, He can't take it back because He cannot deny Himself (2 Tim 2:13). He IS love. He IS faithful. Even when we are faithless, even when we don't return His love. He loves because it is who He is.

Goshh. His crazy love is so overwhelming!

Elizabeth chirped at 1:45 AM | No comments

Singing into the revelation of the Father's Heart

I've always loved tunes and melodies, but I've never been much of a singer. Sure, I could carry a tune, but my voice was weak and my tone was mehhh. So I've always had a fear of singing in public, especially into a microphone. However, in the past few weeks I've been doing vocals in the prayer room. I'm not even sure how I really got started. Perhaps it was the encouragement and gentle nudging from Mel, or perhaps it was that recognition that enough was enough and it was time to face this fear head on. But I guess it was mostly because I've finally found an environment where it was safe to fail and where they carried a crazy message of how the Father moves at the sound of our voice even if we are croaking away because that's just how much He delights in us. In any case, against all odds, I sang.

The first time I did it in the prayer room, I cried from the pressure after I got off the stage. And the first time I joined the set, I kept staring at the clock and wondered why 2 hours passed so slowly. But the recent weeks have been different. It was actually enjoyable and fun to be singing. And today, time passed so fast that I wished we could do more than 2 hours. 

Did my singing get any better? Actually, no. My voice was still weak and kinda funny through the speakers. And most of the time I am not able to carry the choruses that I come up with. I just have to be shameless and sing as loudly as I can into the mic and hope the others catch it and back me up soon. But somehow, in the false bravado and shamelessness, I found a slight shift and breakthrough in my understanding of my identity as a child of God. While croaking out my tune, so painstakingly crafted and so costly to my pride, I sensed a different kind of joy and freedom that came through that act of wild abandonment. It's like I squeezed my eyes shut and leapt, expecting the worst but only to find myself falling deep into His arms of love. And the image that comes to mind, is one of a Dad beaming and bursting with pride as He watches His little girl dancing so cutely on stage, even if she was completely out of sync with the rest. LOL. Crazy Papa love. Everything is beautiful and adorable when viewed through the loving eyes of the Father.

I'm suddenly reminded of my earthly father and how he used to say the most ridiculous cringe-worthy stuff to the people in church. I would be sitting with my friends in church, trying to be a cool adolescent, when my dad would walk up to me and pat/sniff my head, before proudly proclaiming "This is my daughter! She's a REAL girl!" And I would cringe and roll my eyes, because that was such a lame and duhhhh statement and it was just plain embarrassing to have your dad announce this to your friends. I used to hate it when he did this. But now, I'm starting to understand and glimpse the heart of the Father through this unabashed blatant pride and adoration my dad had for me. It didn't matter that I rolled my eyes every time and told him to stop. Out of the overflow of love in his heart, he would walk over and proclaim to anyone who would hear that I am his daughter. It wasn't because of anything I had done, but the simple fact that I am a girl and I am his. And through that act, I got a glimpse of how my Heavenly Father stands over me, proudly proclaiming to anyone who would hear, that I am His and He delights in me!

It's pretty crazy right? The extent of their love just blows me away. To know that I can be so broken and so flawed and yet still so deeply loved anyway :)

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! - 1 John 3:1

Elizabeth chirped at 2:18 AM | No comments