some days in the hustle and bustle that is life...well, i don't think it really is life. i think rather it is what we've made of life. the race if you will...the never-ending race for (insert whatever you'd like here). but, nonetheless we race. we hustle, we bustle about in hopes of achieving, finishing, and feeling a sense of success.
i'd like to step back...i'd love to be able to just let go.
let go.
the pressing need to have my children be perfect (or so gosh darn close). the pressing need to be the perfect wife, to do all and be all. the pressing need to be a perfect teacher, one who teaches the in's and out's of u.s. history well. the pressing need to be a perfect dean of students. a perfect master's degree student. the list could go on and on.
let.it.go.
recently, i've been drawn to the simplicity of the christmas story. the simple. oh don't get me wrong it is a glorious story, but it is simply glorious!
look at mary. look at joseph. look at the stable. look...
and be amazed. that the hustle and bustle of the word missed the long expected savior. they longed for him, they needed him, but he came not in the ways that met their expectations. therefore, they missed him.
look at the shepherds.
look at the star.
look at the simply glorious.
that our savior came, not in the pomp and circumstance of our world. not to be noticed. not to draw attention to himself. but, rather to love us.
love us.
and that is just simply glorious.
so, i need to bask in that glory. not the glory of perfection and being the best. but in the glory of a savior babe, who loved me then and loves me still.
let go of all that we long for, the race we run. and sit, watch, expect the savior to come...and when he does it will be simply glorious.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
silver linings...
even in the midst of situations where all i want to do is sigh heavily, look at the sky, and ask "why?" the lord provides...yes, he provides the silver linings.
the good of camryn's bout with impetigo is that her body can fight this. her body responded so well to the antibiotics, it fought and it won! in the world of bone marrow transplants and new immune systems this is HUGE!
so that's our silver lining...
yes, we hate that camryn fights things. but really her fight indicates that she is winning the war!
and i don't have to tell you we want the war won. forever.
it was a long hard week. as my friend k said to me, "i'm sure whenever camryn gets sick it brings everything back." and it does...maybe not all of it, but enough of it.
and when she wins a battle...it's another victory for wyatt's marrow and another tally mark for life.
life. yes, we are thankful for the silver linings...
the good of camryn's bout with impetigo is that her body can fight this. her body responded so well to the antibiotics, it fought and it won! in the world of bone marrow transplants and new immune systems this is HUGE!
so that's our silver lining...
yes, we hate that camryn fights things. but really her fight indicates that she is winning the war!
and i don't have to tell you we want the war won. forever.
it was a long hard week. as my friend k said to me, "i'm sure whenever camryn gets sick it brings everything back." and it does...maybe not all of it, but enough of it.
and when she wins a battle...it's another victory for wyatt's marrow and another tally mark for life.
life. yes, we are thankful for the silver linings...
Thursday, December 6, 2012
well...
i had thought we'd just have a simple sinus infection...but, nope!
camryn stayed home from school monday, because my super smart mother-in-law said that camryn's rash might be impetigo. and if it was impetigo it is super contagious, so we decided to be safe rather than infect her entire class. we called ucla and they said if it gets worse go to urgent care, if not they'd see her on tuesday.
well, monday morning wyatt woke up feeling lousy...he was crying, complaining that his stomach hurt, his throat. now, i will be honest we didn't know whether or not it was real or just sympathy pains since camryn was staying home. but, he didn't seem himself so we opted to let him stay home and he'd have a day to kick whatever it was.
well, when i got home monday he was even worse and running an 101 temp. so, it was real. he was complaining about everything, camryn was complaining too...all around monday night was not fun. and worst of all i was starting to feel horrible.
i woke up tuesday and felt awful, i braved work while jason took camryn to ucla, and wyatt stayed home with my parents. i made it through to 9:30 and by then it was a full-blown i'm sick and it feels like strep throat...great! i called wyatt's doctor as he wasn't any better and tuesday morning i had looked at his tonsils and they were HUGE...they said bring him in asap and so i left work, got wyatt, and headed to dr.k's office. all the while jason was navigating ucla with camryn.
once camryn got to ucla one look from dr.m and it was confirmed she had impetigo. he was very concerned as it appeared to be approaching her eye and if it did that would be very problematic, even leading to vision loss. dr.m had even thought of maybe admitting camryn for iv antibiotics it was so bad...honestly, when does this girl get a break. he did not admit her, but prescribed two high powered antibiotics, and said he would see her again on friday. (so much for 3 trips to ucla, now it's 4 and probably more) he said if it gets any worse can immediately and of course in our world that means an ER visit and admittance. wonderful.
meanwhile, dr.k confirmed that wyatt had strep throat and also peeked at my throat...yep, we were strep throat victims. she prescribed wyatt antibiotics and told me to call my doctor for some as well. my doctor being great called in a prescription for me so we'd have a grand total of 4 antibiotics waiting for us at cvs. awesome.
i called jason and got the update and gave him our update...he decided to take the rest of the day off. really, 3 out of the 4 of us were sick and it was just a lousy day. he told me to meet him at cvs and then he'd get mine, wyatt's, and camryn's medicine and i could go home with wyatt and camryn. when we got home wyatt and i got in bed and camryn who really isn't feeling sick played and played.
well, wyatt went to school today and camryn and i have been home. i am going back tomorrow and camryn, well we'll see...dr.m said no school through friday, but she is hoping she can go tomorrow afternoon as it is grandparents day and she wants to go so badly! i'm hoping he will be gracious and grant her wish...after all he truly does love this little girl.
so, that's been our week. jealous? honestly, i haven't been this sick in a long time...and really 3 of us has proven that jason has a heart of gold. poor guy...hoping we are better soon, so he doesn't have to take care of everything. and really hoping he doesn't get sick either.
hopeful you and yours are staying healthy this holiday season!
camryn stayed home from school monday, because my super smart mother-in-law said that camryn's rash might be impetigo. and if it was impetigo it is super contagious, so we decided to be safe rather than infect her entire class. we called ucla and they said if it gets worse go to urgent care, if not they'd see her on tuesday.
well, monday morning wyatt woke up feeling lousy...he was crying, complaining that his stomach hurt, his throat. now, i will be honest we didn't know whether or not it was real or just sympathy pains since camryn was staying home. but, he didn't seem himself so we opted to let him stay home and he'd have a day to kick whatever it was.
well, when i got home monday he was even worse and running an 101 temp. so, it was real. he was complaining about everything, camryn was complaining too...all around monday night was not fun. and worst of all i was starting to feel horrible.
i woke up tuesday and felt awful, i braved work while jason took camryn to ucla, and wyatt stayed home with my parents. i made it through to 9:30 and by then it was a full-blown i'm sick and it feels like strep throat...great! i called wyatt's doctor as he wasn't any better and tuesday morning i had looked at his tonsils and they were HUGE...they said bring him in asap and so i left work, got wyatt, and headed to dr.k's office. all the while jason was navigating ucla with camryn.
once camryn got to ucla one look from dr.m and it was confirmed she had impetigo. he was very concerned as it appeared to be approaching her eye and if it did that would be very problematic, even leading to vision loss. dr.m had even thought of maybe admitting camryn for iv antibiotics it was so bad...honestly, when does this girl get a break. he did not admit her, but prescribed two high powered antibiotics, and said he would see her again on friday. (so much for 3 trips to ucla, now it's 4 and probably more) he said if it gets any worse can immediately and of course in our world that means an ER visit and admittance. wonderful.
meanwhile, dr.k confirmed that wyatt had strep throat and also peeked at my throat...yep, we were strep throat victims. she prescribed wyatt antibiotics and told me to call my doctor for some as well. my doctor being great called in a prescription for me so we'd have a grand total of 4 antibiotics waiting for us at cvs. awesome.
i called jason and got the update and gave him our update...he decided to take the rest of the day off. really, 3 out of the 4 of us were sick and it was just a lousy day. he told me to meet him at cvs and then he'd get mine, wyatt's, and camryn's medicine and i could go home with wyatt and camryn. when we got home wyatt and i got in bed and camryn who really isn't feeling sick played and played.
well, wyatt went to school today and camryn and i have been home. i am going back tomorrow and camryn, well we'll see...dr.m said no school through friday, but she is hoping she can go tomorrow afternoon as it is grandparents day and she wants to go so badly! i'm hoping he will be gracious and grant her wish...after all he truly does love this little girl.
so, that's been our week. jealous? honestly, i haven't been this sick in a long time...and really 3 of us has proven that jason has a heart of gold. poor guy...hoping we are better soon, so he doesn't have to take care of everything. and really hoping he doesn't get sick either.
hopeful you and yours are staying healthy this holiday season!
Sunday, December 2, 2012
once a year...
about once a year camryn fights a sinus infection. and poor girl this year's infection is just wrecking havoc on her skin...who'd thought? her skin is just raw from blowing her nose over and over, it's chapped, and it has developed open sores. ugh...poor girl, she's just hatin' life and she's embarrassed. my heart hurts for her...because sometimes i wonder when enough is enough.
camryn gets very sensitive about certain things and i don't blame her. after all, you don't go through all that she has and not developed some insecurities. but, honestly today i feel bad...just sad.
once in a while it all creeps in on me about camryn...yes, she is doing fantastic. yes, she is thriving. but...
there's always a sense that some of these issues she faces daily are cancer's fault. and they are. no body can withstand it all. no one. there are side effects during treatment, but i think the lasting effects are what you don't expect. you fight so hard to survive that you really don't consider what does this mean long term?
today is one of those days...the long term is battling me. i hate that her rash looks awful. i hate that her poor little face has red rash and chapped skin. i hate that she cries because she is embarrassed. i hate that this is all because of a stupid disease.
and the worst part...
the disease lurks. right now my heart aches for friends of ours who have battled melanoma for over a year. they are great people, sweet people, two little kids...who have lots of life left to live. and yet this stupid disease wreaks havoc on their lives. i don't like it. not.one.bit.
tuesday camryn heads down to clinic to see her usual doctors, haven't seen them since august. it'll be nice to hear how she is doing, i sure hope her face looks better and she feels a bit better about it all. dr.m will be in and i'm sure she'll get to see her most favorite doctor. that will be a blessing. i'm hopeful that maybe they'll stretch out her appointments even further and we'll begin to start the transition to survivor clinic. that is just unbelievable to me.
the next week we see dr.s at the dermatology clinic.
and then the next week we'll see another dr.s in the immunology clinic to see how cam's immune system is doing.
nothing like 3 trips to ucla in one month! oh well. thankful we've had some time off!
so once a year when camryn fights a cold/sinus infection like normal kids my heart feels it. it's never easy to watch your child be sick, but once you've fought for their very life it really causes a bit of your heart to just ache.
camryn gets very sensitive about certain things and i don't blame her. after all, you don't go through all that she has and not developed some insecurities. but, honestly today i feel bad...just sad.
once in a while it all creeps in on me about camryn...yes, she is doing fantastic. yes, she is thriving. but...
there's always a sense that some of these issues she faces daily are cancer's fault. and they are. no body can withstand it all. no one. there are side effects during treatment, but i think the lasting effects are what you don't expect. you fight so hard to survive that you really don't consider what does this mean long term?
today is one of those days...the long term is battling me. i hate that her rash looks awful. i hate that her poor little face has red rash and chapped skin. i hate that she cries because she is embarrassed. i hate that this is all because of a stupid disease.
and the worst part...
the disease lurks. right now my heart aches for friends of ours who have battled melanoma for over a year. they are great people, sweet people, two little kids...who have lots of life left to live. and yet this stupid disease wreaks havoc on their lives. i don't like it. not.one.bit.
tuesday camryn heads down to clinic to see her usual doctors, haven't seen them since august. it'll be nice to hear how she is doing, i sure hope her face looks better and she feels a bit better about it all. dr.m will be in and i'm sure she'll get to see her most favorite doctor. that will be a blessing. i'm hopeful that maybe they'll stretch out her appointments even further and we'll begin to start the transition to survivor clinic. that is just unbelievable to me.
the next week we see dr.s at the dermatology clinic.
and then the next week we'll see another dr.s in the immunology clinic to see how cam's immune system is doing.
nothing like 3 trips to ucla in one month! oh well. thankful we've had some time off!
so once a year when camryn fights a cold/sinus infection like normal kids my heart feels it. it's never easy to watch your child be sick, but once you've fought for their very life it really causes a bit of your heart to just ache.
Monday, November 26, 2012
thankful.grateful...blessed
we had a wonderful thanksgiving and sadly i don't have a single picture to show for it...so, you'll have to take my word for it. :)
jason had the whole week off (thank you lausd furlough days) so he got to partake in some of the kids school cuteness. on monday wyatt's class had a thanksgiving feast, the amazing room moms set up the feast in the teaching garden...it was darling! the kids ate a traditional thanksgiving dinner and enjoyed each other's company. it was fun that jason got to go, as i was busy solving problems at school with high school students. boo! but, jay got to go and that was a very fun treat for him! later that afternoon was the thanksgiving assembly...what a cute fun program. wyatt was a pilgrim this year and recited psalms 100 and sang a very cute thanksgiving song about the pilgrims coming in 1620! darling! i forgot my camera, so sadly no pictures. :( camryn's class played a sang and played a song on their recorders, it was so fun! she was very proud of herself and even more excited that she gets to bring her recorder home for christmas vacation to practice (yea, we're all very excited about that [wink, wink]). thanks to grandma mikels who joined the fun...it's always fun to watch the kids sing and do their program. very thankful!
tuesday night was the home opener for the village basketball team...there was much anticipation in the house as wyatt has grown to like basketball very much and is very fond of a few of the players. the game was super fun, but even more watching the kids hang out in the gym with their friends...it was a neat moment. on the way home jason commented that is was cool that our kids are growing up knowing high school students and dreaming of playing in the gym on day. they are crusaders for sure. but, he also commented that it is fun getting to know the other families as some of us will potentially travel 13 years of schooling together...crazy. but, so grateful for these new found friends and the fun of basketball together.
wednesday jason and i did a little christmas shopping...i will admit i was in a bit of a funk. just wasn't feeling the best and was a bit overwhelmed with vacation. odd isn't it...i long for vacation i thoroughly anticipate time off and then when it comes i overwhelm myself with a long list of to do's. i also realized that all my time off is coordinated with the kids time off, so yes i would like a few moments of me time...hoping to plan that in during christmas vacation. as the kids told me we'll have 19 days together...yes, i think i'll sneak in a few me moments. :)
thursday was a wonderful day spent with my parents and my nephew caleb. we ate good food, watched a lot of football, played games, the kids played outside, and we worked on camryn's book report puppet. my mom had told camryn that she would teach her to sew and she did...it was precious to watch my mom patiently teach cam how to sew all by herself. camryn did great and her puppet looks so good...all we helped her with was the glue. her ideas and her creativity...so fun to watch her blossom and grow. later that evening i felt so sick...just awful so we came home and i rested and jason headed out to the black friday sales. he's a trooper and got what he wanted and was home by 10:00, not bad!
friday was lots of fun at the mikels house for our thanksgiving with them. jason's sister came down with the cousins, so it was a full house with lots of fun, laughter, and volume! :) it was great to be with family and watch the kids enjoy their cousins. one of the greatest blessings in my life has been my cousins, so it is wonderful to watch cam & wy enjoy life with theirs. lots of playing, lots of coloring, games, movies, and just fun...a blessing for sure! later in the evening me and my sister-in-laws headed to the grove to go to the american girl store, it was a spur of the moment trip but lots of fun! just fun to do something together as most of the time we are in full mommy mode...fun to hang out and laugh!
our vacation was full of fun and family...we are incredibly blessed by them. i am thankful that camryn & wyatt's lives are full of great family and special friends. it is a blessing beyond measure...thanks to the lord for his many gifts in our lives.
i was struck by the necessity to thank the lord for all he's done...the good and the not so good...the moments of darkness and of light. the lord is good...so good to me.
thanks jesus for your indescribable gifts.
jason had the whole week off (thank you lausd furlough days) so he got to partake in some of the kids school cuteness. on monday wyatt's class had a thanksgiving feast, the amazing room moms set up the feast in the teaching garden...it was darling! the kids ate a traditional thanksgiving dinner and enjoyed each other's company. it was fun that jason got to go, as i was busy solving problems at school with high school students. boo! but, jay got to go and that was a very fun treat for him! later that afternoon was the thanksgiving assembly...what a cute fun program. wyatt was a pilgrim this year and recited psalms 100 and sang a very cute thanksgiving song about the pilgrims coming in 1620! darling! i forgot my camera, so sadly no pictures. :( camryn's class played a sang and played a song on their recorders, it was so fun! she was very proud of herself and even more excited that she gets to bring her recorder home for christmas vacation to practice (yea, we're all very excited about that [wink, wink]). thanks to grandma mikels who joined the fun...it's always fun to watch the kids sing and do their program. very thankful!
tuesday night was the home opener for the village basketball team...there was much anticipation in the house as wyatt has grown to like basketball very much and is very fond of a few of the players. the game was super fun, but even more watching the kids hang out in the gym with their friends...it was a neat moment. on the way home jason commented that is was cool that our kids are growing up knowing high school students and dreaming of playing in the gym on day. they are crusaders for sure. but, he also commented that it is fun getting to know the other families as some of us will potentially travel 13 years of schooling together...crazy. but, so grateful for these new found friends and the fun of basketball together.
wednesday jason and i did a little christmas shopping...i will admit i was in a bit of a funk. just wasn't feeling the best and was a bit overwhelmed with vacation. odd isn't it...i long for vacation i thoroughly anticipate time off and then when it comes i overwhelm myself with a long list of to do's. i also realized that all my time off is coordinated with the kids time off, so yes i would like a few moments of me time...hoping to plan that in during christmas vacation. as the kids told me we'll have 19 days together...yes, i think i'll sneak in a few me moments. :)
thursday was a wonderful day spent with my parents and my nephew caleb. we ate good food, watched a lot of football, played games, the kids played outside, and we worked on camryn's book report puppet. my mom had told camryn that she would teach her to sew and she did...it was precious to watch my mom patiently teach cam how to sew all by herself. camryn did great and her puppet looks so good...all we helped her with was the glue. her ideas and her creativity...so fun to watch her blossom and grow. later that evening i felt so sick...just awful so we came home and i rested and jason headed out to the black friday sales. he's a trooper and got what he wanted and was home by 10:00, not bad!
friday was lots of fun at the mikels house for our thanksgiving with them. jason's sister came down with the cousins, so it was a full house with lots of fun, laughter, and volume! :) it was great to be with family and watch the kids enjoy their cousins. one of the greatest blessings in my life has been my cousins, so it is wonderful to watch cam & wy enjoy life with theirs. lots of playing, lots of coloring, games, movies, and just fun...a blessing for sure! later in the evening me and my sister-in-laws headed to the grove to go to the american girl store, it was a spur of the moment trip but lots of fun! just fun to do something together as most of the time we are in full mommy mode...fun to hang out and laugh!
our vacation was full of fun and family...we are incredibly blessed by them. i am thankful that camryn & wyatt's lives are full of great family and special friends. it is a blessing beyond measure...thanks to the lord for his many gifts in our lives.
i was struck by the necessity to thank the lord for all he's done...the good and the not so good...the moments of darkness and of light. the lord is good...so good to me.
thanks jesus for your indescribable gifts.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
november it is...
this past week has been a blur...seriously, i'm amazed we made it through.
* tuesday - we had camryn's first quarter conference. our girl is doing great in third grade...honestly, we never tire of hearing just how "normal" cam is. after a rough patch with timed multiplication tests, camryn has seemed to find her stride. she did much better and was very happy with her report card. we were so happy to sit with cam's teacher, miss e as she explained camryn's progress...allowed us to share our concerns and just chat about third grade life. my favorite moment of the conference was when miss e said "i'd like to pray for camryn". yes, my heart smiled...i love the gift that camryn's teacher prays for her, but most of all prays for camryn's heart. that she would come to know jesus...a precious gift. after we finished up the conference we went up to find the kids who were hanging out with my bff tina...honestly, not quite sure where in the world i'd be these past almost 7 years without her. we got dinner with the austs...watched some volleyball, and enjoyed time with our dear friends.
* wednesday = halloween - i do have pictures to post which i will do soon, i promise. but, for now let me say we had a very fun, yet exhausting halloween. camryn had decided to be a usc cheerleader and wyatt had decided to be a vcs basketball player...they looked super cute. we headed to church to meet up with the cousins to take some pictures and enjoy time with them. love spending time with the mikels. after church we headed to camryn's friend p's house. we had been invited to experience halloween at the estates (a local halloween hot spot). we have not done traditional trick or treating in a long time, so we thought it would be fun (especially since the kids did not have school the next day). we had a blast watching the kids run from house to house with their friends, it was just a fun night. we also realized that the estates are crazy, insane for halloween...tons and tons of kids. it was a fun change and we were thankful for new found friendships with our kids' school friends parents...a blessing.
* thursday - we had wyatt's conference this afternoon. it was a busy day and really i was wiped out, but we made it through. wyatt's conference went super well, he is doing fabulously in first grade. his teacher mrs.a talked and talked about what a great little guy he is. wyatt is excelling at reading which makes this momma's heart happy...so we're having to develop some challenge for him. wyatt loves school and he has done really well adjusting to the more academic nature of first grade. he really enjoys math as well and does great with the new online math program...really, what kid doesn't love the computer, what a techno generation they are! i appreciate wyatt's teacher so much, i taught her kids so it is a fun treasure for her to teach wyatt. she is the sweetest and at the end of the conference she prayed for wyatt...brought tears to my eyes to think of this amazing boy that the lord has blessed our lives with. he's doing so well...thankful!
* friday - we headed to the last regular season football game for village...the kids had a blast playing with their friend e, and their new found friends k, d, m...they had fun playing volleyball. it was a fun night...and the crusaders won so it was that much better!
* weekend wrap up - we have had a great weekend...thoroughly enjoying the slower pace the weekend brings. although the kids are a bit stir crazy due to the fact that they had thursday and friday off...they're ready to go to school tomorrow.
thankful for november and the pause it brings to my heart to remember the lord's great faithfulness to us. thankful for his many blessings. thankful for friendships, new and old that continually bless our lives. thankful for family, the amazing bonds that we share.
* tuesday - we had camryn's first quarter conference. our girl is doing great in third grade...honestly, we never tire of hearing just how "normal" cam is. after a rough patch with timed multiplication tests, camryn has seemed to find her stride. she did much better and was very happy with her report card. we were so happy to sit with cam's teacher, miss e as she explained camryn's progress...allowed us to share our concerns and just chat about third grade life. my favorite moment of the conference was when miss e said "i'd like to pray for camryn". yes, my heart smiled...i love the gift that camryn's teacher prays for her, but most of all prays for camryn's heart. that she would come to know jesus...a precious gift. after we finished up the conference we went up to find the kids who were hanging out with my bff tina...honestly, not quite sure where in the world i'd be these past almost 7 years without her. we got dinner with the austs...watched some volleyball, and enjoyed time with our dear friends.
* wednesday = halloween - i do have pictures to post which i will do soon, i promise. but, for now let me say we had a very fun, yet exhausting halloween. camryn had decided to be a usc cheerleader and wyatt had decided to be a vcs basketball player...they looked super cute. we headed to church to meet up with the cousins to take some pictures and enjoy time with them. love spending time with the mikels. after church we headed to camryn's friend p's house. we had been invited to experience halloween at the estates (a local halloween hot spot). we have not done traditional trick or treating in a long time, so we thought it would be fun (especially since the kids did not have school the next day). we had a blast watching the kids run from house to house with their friends, it was just a fun night. we also realized that the estates are crazy, insane for halloween...tons and tons of kids. it was a fun change and we were thankful for new found friendships with our kids' school friends parents...a blessing.
* thursday - we had wyatt's conference this afternoon. it was a busy day and really i was wiped out, but we made it through. wyatt's conference went super well, he is doing fabulously in first grade. his teacher mrs.a talked and talked about what a great little guy he is. wyatt is excelling at reading which makes this momma's heart happy...so we're having to develop some challenge for him. wyatt loves school and he has done really well adjusting to the more academic nature of first grade. he really enjoys math as well and does great with the new online math program...really, what kid doesn't love the computer, what a techno generation they are! i appreciate wyatt's teacher so much, i taught her kids so it is a fun treasure for her to teach wyatt. she is the sweetest and at the end of the conference she prayed for wyatt...brought tears to my eyes to think of this amazing boy that the lord has blessed our lives with. he's doing so well...thankful!
* friday - we headed to the last regular season football game for village...the kids had a blast playing with their friend e, and their new found friends k, d, m...they had fun playing volleyball. it was a fun night...and the crusaders won so it was that much better!
* weekend wrap up - we have had a great weekend...thoroughly enjoying the slower pace the weekend brings. although the kids are a bit stir crazy due to the fact that they had thursday and friday off...they're ready to go to school tomorrow.
thankful for november and the pause it brings to my heart to remember the lord's great faithfulness to us. thankful for his many blessings. thankful for friendships, new and old that continually bless our lives. thankful for family, the amazing bonds that we share.
thankful.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
{sometimes}
whew, where in the world is october going?
things have been really busy this month...lots of activities, lots of fun, lots of friends, and just lots of life. i've been struck this month of where our lives were six years ago...camryn was 5 days post transplant six years ago. wow, that just amazes me that she was here...
sometimes i just look back through pictures and smile...sometimes tears come. sometimes i lash out in anger at all that was, and sometimes it's quiet and my heart feels peace. sometimes songs play and memories flood...like today during chapel at school we sang "Everlasting God". i simply cannot sing that song without tears welling in my eyes, all the while a smile beams on my face...i listened to this song over and over while driving to ucla time and time again to see this face.
a face that held my heart then and holds my heart still.
october 2012 has brought a sense of peace, even in the midst of the craziness of life. even in the midst of my dad's illness and hospital stay. even in the midst of two of the most crazy, busy weeks in life. even in the midst of a calendar whose dates are not simply numbers, but days that hold such memories. even in the midst...because,
sometimes every one of us fears
like we’ll never be healed
sometimes
sometimes every one of us aches
like we’ll never be saved
sometimes
when we’ve given up
let your healing come
when theres nothing left
let your healing come
til were risin up
let your healin come
where You go we will follow
where You go we will follow
it’s Your love that we adore
it’s like a sea without a shore
we’re lost in You, we're lost in You
it’s Your love that we adore
it’s like a sea without a shore
we’re lost in You, we're lost in You
Sometimes
~ David Crowder Band
i will not pretend that i have life tied up in a neat package with a beautiful bow...sometimes the storm that rages in my heart is difficult, ugly, and painful. but, sometimes the joy that comes is glorious, oh so glorious if i allow His love to heal me. i was struck this week as i read through 500 plus surveys of middle and high school students asking what they wish they were, what they wish they weren't, what they wish they did, and what they wish they didn't; that life is painful, extremely painful, and no one is immune. some of the hurts that were shared brought me to tears, my heart was incredibly heavy, and i felt as though i could feel my very heart break. and then someone said it..."if it hurts us this much, what do you think it does to God's heart?" and that stopped me. i've sang the lyrics time and time again..."break my heart with what breaks yours", but this time i felt it, this time i knew...that sometimes we need our broken hearts healed with the amazing love of Him. the love of Christ lavished on us to know that we are not alone.
i had a moment last week when the world seemed very skewed, when all that was seemed unreal. i got a call from the ucla number i know all too well. it was the doctor who had ordered camryn's 11 vile blood draw to test her immune system...he said things looked good, but there was something alarming. my heart sank to the floor, luckily i was sitting in my boss' office which kept me from losing it completely. camryn's blood showed and abnormality for lupus. my heart broke. i finally mustered the courage to call camryn's nurse practitioner who seems to know all things about camryn...she had not seen the lab report, but would look into it. by friday i hadn't heard and my heart was breaking into a million pieces. i sent an email...i got a call from the ucla number later. the conversation went something like this:
me: hello?
b: hi dana, it's b.
me: hi b, thanks for calling.
b: i have looked at the lab sheet and i've talked to dr.moore. he too has seen the lab sheet. and we don't see anything alarming, he does not want to to be concerned, he feels that everything is fine. camryn is doing well.
me: (tears welling) thank you b. thank you.
b: dana, don't worry. she's okay, we are not concerned and we don't want you to be. enjoy your weekend and again don't worry.
me: thank you b. you all mean so much.
and sometimes the healing comes...
its your love we adore
its like a sea without a shore
don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid
just set your sail and risk the ocean
show me grace
let’s risk the ocean
show me grace
let’s risk the ocean
show me grace
let’s risk the ocean
show me grace
where you go we will follow
i’m on my knees
where you go we will follow
oh God send me
where you go we will follow
i’m on my knees
where you go we will follow
oh God send me
it’s your love that we adore
it’s like a sea without a shore
we’re lost in You, were lost in You
it’s your love that we adore
it’s like a sea without a shore
we’re lost in You, we're lost in You
where you go we will follow
where you go we will follow
i’m on my knees
where you go we will follow
oh God send me
~ David Crowder Band
and i take a deep breath knowing that healing comes, brokenness comes...
and it's His love that restores
Monday, October 1, 2012
it's in the genes...
yesterday, wyatt got the final birthday gift...golf clubs. i will admit his list was very different this year: basketball hoop, bike, dodger game, and golf clubs. suffice it to say our little guy is quite a sportsman.
when he told us he wanted golf clubs we knew exactly who we would talk to...grandpa mikels. jason's dad is an avid golfer, he learned from his dad who was a golf pro at a resort in the pocono mountains...golf is in the mikels genes. grandpa mikels knew which clubs would be best and ordered them, all the while wyatt patiently waited for his new clubs, his first clubs. grandpa mikels also bought camryn her first clubs and took her golfing for the very first time...it was a precious memory and i'm so glad that she has that moment. now, it was wyatt's turn.
wyatt, grandpa, and grandma headed to lunch at the course and ate a yummy lunch. wyatt ordered pancakes, because that's his favorite! :) they ate lunch and then headed to the driving range. grandpa taught wyatt how to hold his clubs (wyatt is a lefty in golf), how to stand, and how to strike the ball...grandma took pictures and they are darling! they then headed to the putting green and did a little work with wyatt's putter...grandpa was very patient teaching wyatt exactly how to line up his putt and how to strike the ball in a smooth stroke.
wyatt had the time of his life...he got to ride in the golf cart around the course, he got his own special bag tag with his name on it, he got to see grandpa's locker "w.mikels" which grandma said could be his. :) it's funny because it often has been said that wyatt looks a lot like his grandpa mikels and he does...and the pictures are priceless of a third (really fourth) generation of a mikels learning how to golf.
after a fun day with his grandparents wyatt was thrilled to ask grandpa if they could do it again, and maybe next time camryn could come too. wyatt is a precious boy...and yesterday he became another one of the mikels boys golfing.
yep, it's in the genes
when he told us he wanted golf clubs we knew exactly who we would talk to...grandpa mikels. jason's dad is an avid golfer, he learned from his dad who was a golf pro at a resort in the pocono mountains...golf is in the mikels genes. grandpa mikels knew which clubs would be best and ordered them, all the while wyatt patiently waited for his new clubs, his first clubs. grandpa mikels also bought camryn her first clubs and took her golfing for the very first time...it was a precious memory and i'm so glad that she has that moment. now, it was wyatt's turn.
wyatt, grandpa, and grandma headed to lunch at the course and ate a yummy lunch. wyatt ordered pancakes, because that's his favorite! :) they ate lunch and then headed to the driving range. grandpa taught wyatt how to hold his clubs (wyatt is a lefty in golf), how to stand, and how to strike the ball...grandma took pictures and they are darling! they then headed to the putting green and did a little work with wyatt's putter...grandpa was very patient teaching wyatt exactly how to line up his putt and how to strike the ball in a smooth stroke.
wyatt had the time of his life...he got to ride in the golf cart around the course, he got his own special bag tag with his name on it, he got to see grandpa's locker "w.mikels" which grandma said could be his. :) it's funny because it often has been said that wyatt looks a lot like his grandpa mikels and he does...and the pictures are priceless of a third (really fourth) generation of a mikels learning how to golf.
after a fun day with his grandparents wyatt was thrilled to ask grandpa if they could do it again, and maybe next time camryn could come too. wyatt is a precious boy...and yesterday he became another one of the mikels boys golfing.
yep, it's in the genes
Sunday, September 16, 2012
six...
happy birthday wyatt...
hard to believe you are 6 years old, seems like time is passing much too quickly.
you fill a place in our hearts unlike any other...
simply, you complete us.
you make our family of 4 so much richer to have you.
when wyatt got his dodger schedule he quickly noticed that there was a game
on his birthday...a home game against the st.louis cardinals
a friday night firework night...
he wanted to go.
so for his birthday we went...
the cutest dodger fans around
honestly, these two are the best of friends...
camryn was so excited to spend wyatt's birthday at the
dodger game with him.
she wouldn't have it any other way...
it's the unspoken between them that's amazing
camryn knows that her life in no way would be the same
without her brother, her best brother.
and this picture just makes my heart smile.
jason & wyatt
they love the dodgers, they love baseball...
and they love being best buddies
i love the way wyatt is looking at his daddy
what better birthday present than a
dodger win!
complete with wyatt's favorite player,
andre ethier hitting a home run!
wyatt was so excited to go on the field to watch fireworks
in fact he wanted to sit in right field in honor
of ethier
yep, he bleeds dodger blue
wyatt is a sports nut and i have no idea where he gets that
he decided he wanted a usc birthday party, because
the trojans were playing stanford
yep, a boy after my own heart.
we had a very fun day celebrating wyatt with family
and a few of his best friends
many thanks to those who came to celebrate
our boy wy
he had lots of fun playing boys against girls...
oh my i could see it all beginning
and since it was over 100 degrees we brought out the blow up pool
and lots of water fun!
isn't this the cutest face ever?
yep, we love our sweet p
the kids splashing and playing...
what fun to add in school friends with life long friends
jason & i are so very thankful for the circle of friends
wyatt has...his world is much bigger than it
once was and we couldn't be more grateful.
waiting for cake...love these little faces
wyatt and eisley...
the best of friends
love the special friendship
of these two
six years ago our world became very full with little guy
he brought a most special gift to his sister
and completes a place in our hearts
wyatt is our daily, moment by moment, megaphone
of the lord in our lives saying
"i'm not finished, wait, hope, believe...a most precious gift is coming"
a bike from papa & grandma...
(love the sign made by my dad)
they boys being boys...
one of the blessings on village is the friendship of these two
oz & wyatt
they are the sweetest of friends and i cherish
the friendship they have
and as oz's mom and i say...
"this is for their senior page."
wyatt,
you are the best boy we could ever ask for. you make our hearts smile.
we remember waiting for you to come, waiting to see just who you'd be.
and no doubt about it, you sweet boy are exactly what we need.
you continue to amaze us with your sweet heart, stubborn spirit,
amazing abilities, driven personality, aim for perfection.
you the best...our best.
we love you 18 hundred 1 million 3 thousand times.
love,
daddy & mommy xoxo
and as camryn's card said to him
"i can't believe you are six. you are the best brother ever. love your big sis, cam"
Monday, September 3, 2012
mommy's going back too...
so this summer i made the decision (with much encouragement from jason & my bosses) to go back to graduate school. in no way is this a decision that i would have come up with, but with some visionary leaders in my life the lord open the doors for me to pursue a master's in educational leadership at apu.
i did the whole gideon from the bible thing of laying out my fleeces for the lord. i ask him to make it clear to me when i went to an appointment with dr. marcos at apu that i would know with certainty that this is the path for me. as i drove out to apu a path i have traveled numerous times i was caught with nostalgia...i first drove out to apu 19 years ago to start my freshmen year. wow, so much has changed.
i met with dr.marcos and was super impressed by her, she was wonderful. we chatted about life, her's eerily foreshadows mine (both 8th grade history teachers, married to pe teachers, with a daughter and a son). she was great...but the whole time the fleece loomed. we started talking the real issues of going back to school. how many classes? how long? how much money? and the lord was as he always is, in the details. since i already have a master's from apu i am waived 12 units of work, as well as all the admission fees. crazy i thought. all to say i have 4 classes, that's it...which will take me one year. i sat there amazed at the lord...really?! dr.marcos encouraged me to take advantage of the program, and that she would be my advisor all the way through and to take my classes online since i am working full-time, and a mommy of two.
again the lord has directed me back to a place that means so much to me. i did some of the most important growth with the lord in my life at apu. had incredible mentors and leaders through my undergrad and graduate programs, and now i go back for more.
i went out there again today to buy my books...it's orientation weekend with lots of freshman and there is a buzz of life there beginning. i was amazed at even though it's been 15 years since i graduated, and 10 years since my masters, apu is home. there is a quality there that i love.
i am thankful that the lord continually opens doors, when it is needed. nervous? absolutely, but again like gideon i feel like the lord long ago brought the people in my life to lead me to risk this jump...because it is a risk, but one that i am very excited for.
so, mommy starts school tomorrow...yikes!
i did the whole gideon from the bible thing of laying out my fleeces for the lord. i ask him to make it clear to me when i went to an appointment with dr. marcos at apu that i would know with certainty that this is the path for me. as i drove out to apu a path i have traveled numerous times i was caught with nostalgia...i first drove out to apu 19 years ago to start my freshmen year. wow, so much has changed.
i met with dr.marcos and was super impressed by her, she was wonderful. we chatted about life, her's eerily foreshadows mine (both 8th grade history teachers, married to pe teachers, with a daughter and a son). she was great...but the whole time the fleece loomed. we started talking the real issues of going back to school. how many classes? how long? how much money? and the lord was as he always is, in the details. since i already have a master's from apu i am waived 12 units of work, as well as all the admission fees. crazy i thought. all to say i have 4 classes, that's it...which will take me one year. i sat there amazed at the lord...really?! dr.marcos encouraged me to take advantage of the program, and that she would be my advisor all the way through and to take my classes online since i am working full-time, and a mommy of two.
again the lord has directed me back to a place that means so much to me. i did some of the most important growth with the lord in my life at apu. had incredible mentors and leaders through my undergrad and graduate programs, and now i go back for more.
i went out there again today to buy my books...it's orientation weekend with lots of freshman and there is a buzz of life there beginning. i was amazed at even though it's been 15 years since i graduated, and 10 years since my masters, apu is home. there is a quality there that i love.
i am thankful that the lord continually opens doors, when it is needed. nervous? absolutely, but again like gideon i feel like the lord long ago brought the people in my life to lead me to risk this jump...because it is a risk, but one that i am very excited for.
so, mommy starts school tomorrow...yikes!
Sunday, September 2, 2012
first day of school...
both camryn & wyatt were super excited for school to start, they had been anticipating finding out their teachers and who was in their classes for the last weeks of summer...finally, the lists were posted.
camryn was thrilled to have miss e and even more excited that her friend p was in her class. we have said over and over how very blessed cam was to have a wonderful second grade year with some of the best girlfriends ever. camryn was happy to get her supplies for third grade and even more surprised that she had to get WIDE ruled notebook paper. "wow, mom this is big kid paper." yes, it is...all the while thinking how in the world is she this old?! yikes! camryn picked out a hello kitty lunchbox, complete with a hello kitty thermos! she is loving it!
wyatt informed us that he is a "big boy now." guess first grade is no longer the little grade. he was very happy to get mrs. a...and have some of his friends in his class. this summer wyatt has seemed to grow so much, maybe not physically (he's still a little peanut); but emotionally. wyatt is more sure of himself and confident and this was so noticeable to us as he prepared for first grade. he was super excited to go to school...he truly loves to learn, which is so fun to see. he picked out a cars lunchbox, complete with a cars thermos...and he too is loving it!
watching these two navigate the first two weeks of school has been priceless, even more grown up than i thought. they were excited to be back in the familiar territory of village and even more so with their friends.
they are silly, crazy, fun, and everything in between. love that these two make the days of going to work even better, watching them come into their own in their own little pieces of the world is wonderful. they have blossomed in ways that i never thought possible and i am ever so thankful for their teachers who guide them each day.
many thanks to miss e and mrs. a who constantly love on my kids. teaching them responsibility, math, reading, spelling, computers, and everything in between. but, most importantly to love jesus...to experience his great love for them and growing to love him too. for this there is no price to high to pay...for them to be daily loved by people who pray for them, love them, and thank jesus for them. i could not ask for more.
there are many things that could be said for the journey that brings us to today...but, the one word that comes to mind when i look at these two faces is grateful. these days are a gift. period. i longed for them and wished for them many days ago when all just seemed so dark. but, the sun shines now...and these faces capture the greatest words my heart needs to hear. he loves us.
who would have thought three years ago this little miss was struggling just to live. a lot of things have changed since those days...hair is a lot longer, she is taller, she is older, but even in all the changes some things remain. cam is a fighter, she is survivor, and she knows that she was so incredibly sick and jesus made her better....and she loves that he made her better with this face...
wyatt. he is growing into his own person and challenging us in ways we never thought possible. and yet, regardless of the moments his life screams loudly in my heart that the lord is never finished, he is so far ahead of us that even when we think we know, we have no idea. hard to believe this little guy will be 6 in about two weeks.
six years of parenthood which in no way has been what we thought it would be. you cannot plan for your child to have cancer...and yet, when i see where we are i know that it is only through walking through the storm clouds, that we get to see the rainbow.
and yes, the rainbow of a promise...that god loves us, oh how he loves us.
so, we start school another year of normalcy and we cherish it beyond measure. thank you jesus for giving us these days...and even the days these past six years to bring us to this day.
thank you for loving us...and staring school with us too!
camryn was thrilled to have miss e and even more excited that her friend p was in her class. we have said over and over how very blessed cam was to have a wonderful second grade year with some of the best girlfriends ever. camryn was happy to get her supplies for third grade and even more surprised that she had to get WIDE ruled notebook paper. "wow, mom this is big kid paper." yes, it is...all the while thinking how in the world is she this old?! yikes! camryn picked out a hello kitty lunchbox, complete with a hello kitty thermos! she is loving it!
wyatt informed us that he is a "big boy now." guess first grade is no longer the little grade. he was very happy to get mrs. a...and have some of his friends in his class. this summer wyatt has seemed to grow so much, maybe not physically (he's still a little peanut); but emotionally. wyatt is more sure of himself and confident and this was so noticeable to us as he prepared for first grade. he was super excited to go to school...he truly loves to learn, which is so fun to see. he picked out a cars lunchbox, complete with a cars thermos...and he too is loving it!
watching these two navigate the first two weeks of school has been priceless, even more grown up than i thought. they were excited to be back in the familiar territory of village and even more so with their friends.
many thanks to miss e and mrs. a who constantly love on my kids. teaching them responsibility, math, reading, spelling, computers, and everything in between. but, most importantly to love jesus...to experience his great love for them and growing to love him too. for this there is no price to high to pay...for them to be daily loved by people who pray for them, love them, and thank jesus for them. i could not ask for more.
six years of parenthood which in no way has been what we thought it would be. you cannot plan for your child to have cancer...and yet, when i see where we are i know that it is only through walking through the storm clouds, that we get to see the rainbow.
and yes, the rainbow of a promise...that god loves us, oh how he loves us.
so, we start school another year of normalcy and we cherish it beyond measure. thank you jesus for giving us these days...and even the days these past six years to bring us to this day.
thank you for loving us...and staring school with us too!
Saturday, August 18, 2012
december...really?!
this past tuesday was a first.
camryn had her normal, routine, monthly clinic appointment tuesday morning. i knew that her doctors would want to be thorough as this was her appointment before school starts. plus, cam's rash had flared up a bit at the end of july so we had been in touch with her nurse practitioner to make sure nothing got too out of whack. i was a bit nervous as i knew that maybe just maybe they would put camryn back on meds and we just didn't want that. honestly, at this point we are further down the road post-transplant than we have ever been so we are in uncharted waters for us, and it feels awesome so the last thing i wanted to hear was we were taking steps backwards.
cam was in an okay mood...she just is so over all of this and quite frankly i don't blame her at all. she's done. but, like she always does she was great at clinic. we saw lots of familiar faces and they all commented about how tall camryn is getting, how long her hair is, and basically how big she is. it's funny sometimes when i think about it as these people have literally watched her grow since she was 2. they have seen her many faces (short hair, no hair, curly hair, puffy cheeks, weight gain meds...you get the idea), but they always seem to see her and compliment how well she is doing and i cherish it.
we made our way to our room and began to wait...the lab upstairs was open, or at least we thought so, we'd decided to wait until after we saw the doctors and then get labs. we waited, cam had her doll with her and she was doing her best to be patient. berkley came in to say hi and we chatted a bit, she was pleased with how well cam was doing and happy to hear that some of her symptoms had stopped and it looked like cam had a little virus in july. she said that a med student would be in to see us and then dr. moore...i smiled, i also love med students. they are so tentative and new...many students have passed through our door to see camryn and i knew that she probably won't not be too cooperative. a nice student walked in tried his best to engage camryn, and she was not having any of it...he tried and tried. there was a knock on the door and berkley came in and said dr.moore changed his mind and she would be seeing camryn. poor med student...i felt bad, but i knew camryn's case is unique a relapse transplant and dr.moore probably didn't want to have us tell our story for the millionth time.
berkley chatted some more and pretty soon dr.moore came in. camryn LOVES dr.moore, i know i've said it before but quite honestly i have never seen her respond to someone like him. he holds an incredible place in her heart, and i cherish him. camryn and dr.moore went through their regular routine and smiled, laughed, and chatted...it was precious. he checked her out, talked to me for a few minutes and then said...
"how would you like to come see me before christmas? how about december?"
a smile broke across mine and camryn's face...december?! that's 4 months away. we have never gone 4 months without at trip to the doctor. never. camryn was so excited, she was thrilled that no more medicine and no more blood draws for 4 months!
this moment was a first and it meant so much.
camryn is well. she is well and we can live for 4 months without trips to ucla and without the constant life revolving around cancer. she is living the life she should be...
and we are grateful.
camryn had her normal, routine, monthly clinic appointment tuesday morning. i knew that her doctors would want to be thorough as this was her appointment before school starts. plus, cam's rash had flared up a bit at the end of july so we had been in touch with her nurse practitioner to make sure nothing got too out of whack. i was a bit nervous as i knew that maybe just maybe they would put camryn back on meds and we just didn't want that. honestly, at this point we are further down the road post-transplant than we have ever been so we are in uncharted waters for us, and it feels awesome so the last thing i wanted to hear was we were taking steps backwards.
cam was in an okay mood...she just is so over all of this and quite frankly i don't blame her at all. she's done. but, like she always does she was great at clinic. we saw lots of familiar faces and they all commented about how tall camryn is getting, how long her hair is, and basically how big she is. it's funny sometimes when i think about it as these people have literally watched her grow since she was 2. they have seen her many faces (short hair, no hair, curly hair, puffy cheeks, weight gain meds...you get the idea), but they always seem to see her and compliment how well she is doing and i cherish it.
we made our way to our room and began to wait...the lab upstairs was open, or at least we thought so, we'd decided to wait until after we saw the doctors and then get labs. we waited, cam had her doll with her and she was doing her best to be patient. berkley came in to say hi and we chatted a bit, she was pleased with how well cam was doing and happy to hear that some of her symptoms had stopped and it looked like cam had a little virus in july. she said that a med student would be in to see us and then dr. moore...i smiled, i also love med students. they are so tentative and new...many students have passed through our door to see camryn and i knew that she probably won't not be too cooperative. a nice student walked in tried his best to engage camryn, and she was not having any of it...he tried and tried. there was a knock on the door and berkley came in and said dr.moore changed his mind and she would be seeing camryn. poor med student...i felt bad, but i knew camryn's case is unique a relapse transplant and dr.moore probably didn't want to have us tell our story for the millionth time.
berkley chatted some more and pretty soon dr.moore came in. camryn LOVES dr.moore, i know i've said it before but quite honestly i have never seen her respond to someone like him. he holds an incredible place in her heart, and i cherish him. camryn and dr.moore went through their regular routine and smiled, laughed, and chatted...it was precious. he checked her out, talked to me for a few minutes and then said...
"how would you like to come see me before christmas? how about december?"
a smile broke across mine and camryn's face...december?! that's 4 months away. we have never gone 4 months without at trip to the doctor. never. camryn was so excited, she was thrilled that no more medicine and no more blood draws for 4 months!
this moment was a first and it meant so much.
camryn is well. she is well and we can live for 4 months without trips to ucla and without the constant life revolving around cancer. she is living the life she should be...
and we are grateful.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
remembering...
yesterday afternoon i caught myself going back in time to 6 years ago...
at times i think i forget, no not forget just get so involved with where life is now that 6 years ago really seems forever ago. but, it's not...not to this momma's heart. there are a lot of things that were happening this month 6 years ago, and really if i allow my heart to fully go there 7 years ago as well.
god was weaving a tapestry of our lives and little did we know it 7 years ago a storm was coming unlike any we would ever experience. and then the storm hit in february...and the storm raged for months and months. climaxing in august.
camryn was crashing, her vitals were awful, her lab sheets were an absolute mess. everything normal was not. i was 8 months pregnant and fighting to keep things together...a baby was coming, and my baby was fighting to hold on. i was caught remembering the days of august 2006. big bellied me rocking camryn hour after hour while she clung on to my belly. her fevers up around 105, cool rags all over her trying to keep her as cool as possible. we found out our sweet boy wyatt was a match on the 23rd, but when i remember back it is as if camryn knew...she knew that her life would be found in her baby brother. she clung to my belly and day after day the nurses would say those two are going to have quite a bond...little did they know then what we know now.
i find it hard to go back, and yet when i do i can see god's love lavished on us. oh the skies were grey and the clouds very dark, but there were glimpses of love. and one of those greatest glimpses came on september 14th. god's voice flooding our lives in wyatt jason...and holding camryn lee.
and yet, i was remembering 3 years ago this month...letting go of dreams and hopes. trying with all my might to reconcile camryn not going to kindergarten and trying to piece together our lives as best we could. holding on tight to what i knew to be true...the lord carried us through august after august and he would again.
then a year ago...the dreams emerged, the hope restored as camryn & wyatt began a journey of normalcy to "just be kids". the leukemia did not define us, cancer did not define us, we were beginning to take steps of normal life and it was as if the grey skies made way for the sunshine to break through and stay.
oh there are always moments when the clouds start to gather...and some of those darkest days were in august...but, the hope of restoration is bright as a little girl prepares for third grade and a little boy for first grade!
many thanks to god whose unending presence in our lives holds us still. whose tapestry is weaving a most beautiful story of a little girl a little boy and their parents who thank the lord daily for choosing us. for choosing us to hold their hands on their great journey of life.
love you big cam & wy. xoxo
at times i think i forget, no not forget just get so involved with where life is now that 6 years ago really seems forever ago. but, it's not...not to this momma's heart. there are a lot of things that were happening this month 6 years ago, and really if i allow my heart to fully go there 7 years ago as well.
god was weaving a tapestry of our lives and little did we know it 7 years ago a storm was coming unlike any we would ever experience. and then the storm hit in february...and the storm raged for months and months. climaxing in august.
camryn was crashing, her vitals were awful, her lab sheets were an absolute mess. everything normal was not. i was 8 months pregnant and fighting to keep things together...a baby was coming, and my baby was fighting to hold on. i was caught remembering the days of august 2006. big bellied me rocking camryn hour after hour while she clung on to my belly. her fevers up around 105, cool rags all over her trying to keep her as cool as possible. we found out our sweet boy wyatt was a match on the 23rd, but when i remember back it is as if camryn knew...she knew that her life would be found in her baby brother. she clung to my belly and day after day the nurses would say those two are going to have quite a bond...little did they know then what we know now.
i find it hard to go back, and yet when i do i can see god's love lavished on us. oh the skies were grey and the clouds very dark, but there were glimpses of love. and one of those greatest glimpses came on september 14th. god's voice flooding our lives in wyatt jason...and holding camryn lee.
and yet, i was remembering 3 years ago this month...letting go of dreams and hopes. trying with all my might to reconcile camryn not going to kindergarten and trying to piece together our lives as best we could. holding on tight to what i knew to be true...the lord carried us through august after august and he would again.
then a year ago...the dreams emerged, the hope restored as camryn & wyatt began a journey of normalcy to "just be kids". the leukemia did not define us, cancer did not define us, we were beginning to take steps of normal life and it was as if the grey skies made way for the sunshine to break through and stay.
oh there are always moments when the clouds start to gather...and some of those darkest days were in august...but, the hope of restoration is bright as a little girl prepares for third grade and a little boy for first grade!
many thanks to god whose unending presence in our lives holds us still. whose tapestry is weaving a most beautiful story of a little girl a little boy and their parents who thank the lord daily for choosing us. for choosing us to hold their hands on their great journey of life.
love you big cam & wy. xoxo
Monday, July 23, 2012
summer lovin'...
where in the world is summer going? how is it already july 23rd? my word, time is flying so quickly...cannot believe that school starts in a month! wow...
we are enjoying summer completely. there have been lots of highlights.
here are a few:
we are enjoying summer completely. there have been lots of highlights.
here are a few:
- for the love of the game - who knew that a little boy would fall completely in love with a sport at age 5? well, our wyatt did and there will be no turning back. wyatt ended t-ball and has missed it a lot. he faithfully watches the dodger games almost every night. he asked if we could repaint his room dodger blue...so we painted it gray and blue, it's darling - i love it! wyatt is very proud of his room, he loves it! it is all things dodger and our little guys bleeds dodger blue. wyatt also has discovered baseball cards and has begun his collection this summer. it is too cute watching him organize his cards, talk through the teams and players, and love to see who he gets as he anxiously anticipates getting a dodger (of course!). he loves baseball, in fact we'll be getting this quote for his wall..."there is but one game and that game is baseball."
- guppies - at the beginning of summer jason and i hoped that the kids would really learn how to swim this summer. we decided to get to the pool as much as possible - many thanks for our friends who have graciously allowed us to invade their pools. at the start wyatt was timid and wore his floaties, i really wanted him to shed those things as i hoped that he'd gain confidence and want to swim on his own. jason and i worked with him, but if you know wyatt than you know that he isn't the most teachable of kids by his parents, oh he does fabulous with other teachers just not us. :) camryn did well, she enjoys goofing in the pool doing dance moves, side dives (she made those up), and just splashing around. because of camryn's physical limitations she's not going to be an olympic swimmer, but i'd hoped that she'd at least gain more confidence to swim and begin to hold her own in the pool. as the summer as passed they both are doing so well! we decided to try swim lessons at the ymca and that's been a huge confidence booster for them. they like it and have done really well, camryn being the little social one, and wyatt being mister competitive and wanting to do the best in his class. either way they have developed well and i'm so proud of them. in fact wyatt shed his floaties and there is no going back, he is doing so well. and camryn is thoroughly loving her new found independence, i'm so happy for her. it's been lots of fun in the pool.
- clean out - so every summer i tell myself we are going to do the great clean out...and we have. we cleaned out wyatt's room when we painted and rearranged his furniture. then camryn's room was next...i really am not fond of camryn's room for a variety of reasons. one, camryn has a lot of stuff and she is attached to it. two, i've never been happy with the way it is arranged. three, camryn is a pack rat...she saves everything. so, cleaning out her room was a bit more work and it took a lot of patience, but when it was finished she was so thrilled and i was too! our closet was next and we got rid of a lot...bags and bags. as i was going through my clothes i was really convicted that i have enough. of course who doesn't love a new shirt or something...i just was reminded that i have much to be grateful for and that i really am not lacking, at all.
- milestones - camryn is off her medicine, which has been the great mark of this summer. honestly never thought she would arrive here and it is so wonderful to see her enjoy this moment. camryn is going into third grade, not sure how that is possible?! she really has turned into a crazy reader...she reads all.the.time. the library has become a favorite spot this summer as she reads books so quickly, so how cool is it to go get some more for free? she loves it! wyatt has really grown this summer...he learned to swim, learned to ride his bike without training wheels, and hopefully will master tying his shoes soon! he is an achiever, once he knows he can do something he takes off and never looks back.
- blessings - one of the biggest blessings for us is that jason and i are off work in the summer, we get to soak in the days with the kids. sleep in, hang out, and just be with them...i cherish it. it is a blessing to watch them and think about where they were last summer and where they are now. so much more independent, so much more grown-up, so much more active. it's truly the greatest blessing.
we thank the lord for all he continues to give us, and remind us of. three years ago i really didn't dream these days were possible. it was hard to dream again and now this dream is life...our life.
incredibly grateful.
Monday, June 25, 2012
no.more.medicine...
to be honest i never thought this day would come...
camryn lee was taken off all her meds but one this past friday. and the one that's left...that one for only 4 more weeks to wean her system off of it.
wow.
we knew on tuesday that the doctors were running test, but we hadn't heard from them so we just continued on with life like normal and figured they'd call if any thing needed to change.
friday afternoon we headed to see brave with auntie dede, riley, peighton, tina, and eisley...it was lots of fun! as we were leaving tina's house heading to the theater jason called...i picked up and he said dr.m had called. dr.m called and let jason know that camryn's immune system test was super great! normal numbers are 600 - 1200, they expected cam's to be somewhere in the 200's due to the immuno suppressant drugs she has been on. camryn's number 850...well within normal range, which caused the doctors to pull off all her meds.
i probably don't need to tell you that this is a HUGE step for camryn. her system is recovering and her immune system is fully recovered. an amazing step. one not taken lightly. camryn has taken various meds daily for over three years...some of the meds were taken every.single.day. for three years. her system recovered and now it's strong enough to fight on its own.
the body is truly an amazing thing.
as of now camryn is as close as she's ever been to a normal kid...she has longed for that since the beginning of the second journey. and now, she is thrilled to brush her teeth and go to bed...no more medicine routine or any of that. she is excited as can be!
the lord has truly blessed camryn this year...sept 2011 - june 2012 have probably been her best. she has grown and experienced life as she has longed for. and as her parents we could not ask for more. she's living. she's thriving. she's surviving. she's hoping.
but most of all...
she's grateful. there's a piece of this journey that camryn is beginning to grasp...the piece that not all stories end this way. the part where death becomes a reality, the part when you don't get to come home...in her 8 year old understanding she is beginning to see that jesus made her better, and in that she is thankful. her faith in jesus has grown...and honestly, that is an amazing gift.
camryn lee was taken off all her meds but one this past friday. and the one that's left...that one for only 4 more weeks to wean her system off of it.
wow.
we knew on tuesday that the doctors were running test, but we hadn't heard from them so we just continued on with life like normal and figured they'd call if any thing needed to change.
friday afternoon we headed to see brave with auntie dede, riley, peighton, tina, and eisley...it was lots of fun! as we were leaving tina's house heading to the theater jason called...i picked up and he said dr.m had called. dr.m called and let jason know that camryn's immune system test was super great! normal numbers are 600 - 1200, they expected cam's to be somewhere in the 200's due to the immuno suppressant drugs she has been on. camryn's number 850...well within normal range, which caused the doctors to pull off all her meds.
i probably don't need to tell you that this is a HUGE step for camryn. her system is recovering and her immune system is fully recovered. an amazing step. one not taken lightly. camryn has taken various meds daily for over three years...some of the meds were taken every.single.day. for three years. her system recovered and now it's strong enough to fight on its own.
the body is truly an amazing thing.
as of now camryn is as close as she's ever been to a normal kid...she has longed for that since the beginning of the second journey. and now, she is thrilled to brush her teeth and go to bed...no more medicine routine or any of that. she is excited as can be!
the lord has truly blessed camryn this year...sept 2011 - june 2012 have probably been her best. she has grown and experienced life as she has longed for. and as her parents we could not ask for more. she's living. she's thriving. she's surviving. she's hoping.
but most of all...
she's grateful. there's a piece of this journey that camryn is beginning to grasp...the piece that not all stories end this way. the part where death becomes a reality, the part when you don't get to come home...in her 8 year old understanding she is beginning to see that jesus made her better, and in that she is thankful. her faith in jesus has grown...and honestly, that is an amazing gift.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
what's up medically...
so instead of trying to catch up chronologically, i decided to catch you up on what's new and then during the in between times catch up on the old happenings...
camryn had her regular tuesday clinic appointment this week. i took her as it was jason's last day of school and 8th grade graduation. i'm not nearly as good at clinic as jason, he's the pro...camryn told me numerous times that i was not doing what daddy does. but, we survived just fine. :)
we saw the fellow dr. c and she said camryn looked great and that the team was considering lowering her cell cept (gvhd med) again. this was good news. we talked about any graft vs. host disease flare ups and i confirmed that there really hadn't been any. the few signs were some skin flare ups, but those were easily resolved with the topical creme her dermatologist dr.s had prescribed. this was great news to dr.c. dr.m came in to see camryn and the two of them spent about 10 minutes goofing around and just being them. have i mentioned i love dr.m? he told me that they were going to lower her med to once a day, which is a very low dose. and the plan was in july to take her off of it completely...woohoo! then he also said that they were going to run extensive blood work to check camryn's immune system and if her b & t cells were where they hoped them to be then they would discontinue all her meds. all.of.them.
i probably don't need to tell you that this was the best news. the thought of being done with meds, well it seems so unlikely; but the reality that is just might be means so much.
it means that camryn is really doing well. that her system is really functioning on it's own and it is doing fabulous! that she is in fact 3 years post transplant, and "it's about time the meds went away", to quote dr.m.
we finished up at clinic and that was that...as we walked down a hall we've walked literally hundreds of times i smiled. i knew behind many of the doors families were struggling, dealing with unknowns, hearing news that breaks their hearts...and yet, i smiled. we'd been there and when there i clung to the hope that we'd be here. and here we are...
then today camryn and i headed to ucla again to meet with her cardiologist (an annual appointment). her cardiologist is great, i really like him. he apologized for us having to drive down to ucla two days in a row...but, was happy to hear he was not our only appointment today. he was happy because our appointment with him was truly uneventful. i like dr.p...he tells it like it is, no beating around the bush. he talked me through camryn's last echocardigram and the fact that her clot was still there. he said that in fact it was the same size it was when it was first seen, and that 3 years ago it seemed old and now it's even older...basically, it is not a concern. dr.p is the one who stopped the lovenox shots...he now took camryn off of baby aspirin. dr.p feels it's not necessary...in his opinion and the opinion of every one who read camryn's echo the clot isn't going anywhere and if the body has not absorbed it by now, most likely it won't.
so, no more aspirin...good news! better news...another echo in a year and most likely a phone consult because her heart looks and is so healthy! after all the chemotherapy this is great news!
after saying bye to dr.p we headed to the pulmonary function lab...
camryn had to have a pulmonary function test. this was a new one for camryn and really i had begun to think she'd done most every possible test. this was odd for her...she did okay, but not great. camryn has a hard time blowing air out and a hard time holding her breath...all things that can be affected by medications. anyways, her doctors will see the results and decide what to do...i'm not sure what they do. but, it's something that has to be watched in camryn.
i guess you don't pump one's body with all the junk she's had and walk away untouched...so, there's a long list of things to watch.
but, for now...we'll watch our kitchen counter be less and less full of medication and for now that is enough.
enough.
camryn had her regular tuesday clinic appointment this week. i took her as it was jason's last day of school and 8th grade graduation. i'm not nearly as good at clinic as jason, he's the pro...camryn told me numerous times that i was not doing what daddy does. but, we survived just fine. :)
we saw the fellow dr. c and she said camryn looked great and that the team was considering lowering her cell cept (gvhd med) again. this was good news. we talked about any graft vs. host disease flare ups and i confirmed that there really hadn't been any. the few signs were some skin flare ups, but those were easily resolved with the topical creme her dermatologist dr.s had prescribed. this was great news to dr.c. dr.m came in to see camryn and the two of them spent about 10 minutes goofing around and just being them. have i mentioned i love dr.m? he told me that they were going to lower her med to once a day, which is a very low dose. and the plan was in july to take her off of it completely...woohoo! then he also said that they were going to run extensive blood work to check camryn's immune system and if her b & t cells were where they hoped them to be then they would discontinue all her meds. all.of.them.
i probably don't need to tell you that this was the best news. the thought of being done with meds, well it seems so unlikely; but the reality that is just might be means so much.
it means that camryn is really doing well. that her system is really functioning on it's own and it is doing fabulous! that she is in fact 3 years post transplant, and "it's about time the meds went away", to quote dr.m.
we finished up at clinic and that was that...as we walked down a hall we've walked literally hundreds of times i smiled. i knew behind many of the doors families were struggling, dealing with unknowns, hearing news that breaks their hearts...and yet, i smiled. we'd been there and when there i clung to the hope that we'd be here. and here we are...
then today camryn and i headed to ucla again to meet with her cardiologist (an annual appointment). her cardiologist is great, i really like him. he apologized for us having to drive down to ucla two days in a row...but, was happy to hear he was not our only appointment today. he was happy because our appointment with him was truly uneventful. i like dr.p...he tells it like it is, no beating around the bush. he talked me through camryn's last echocardigram and the fact that her clot was still there. he said that in fact it was the same size it was when it was first seen, and that 3 years ago it seemed old and now it's even older...basically, it is not a concern. dr.p is the one who stopped the lovenox shots...he now took camryn off of baby aspirin. dr.p feels it's not necessary...in his opinion and the opinion of every one who read camryn's echo the clot isn't going anywhere and if the body has not absorbed it by now, most likely it won't.
so, no more aspirin...good news! better news...another echo in a year and most likely a phone consult because her heart looks and is so healthy! after all the chemotherapy this is great news!
after saying bye to dr.p we headed to the pulmonary function lab...
camryn had to have a pulmonary function test. this was a new one for camryn and really i had begun to think she'd done most every possible test. this was odd for her...she did okay, but not great. camryn has a hard time blowing air out and a hard time holding her breath...all things that can be affected by medications. anyways, her doctors will see the results and decide what to do...i'm not sure what they do. but, it's something that has to be watched in camryn.
i guess you don't pump one's body with all the junk she's had and walk away untouched...so, there's a long list of things to watch.
but, for now...we'll watch our kitchen counter be less and less full of medication and for now that is enough.
enough.
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