tuesday...

Even though time is passing and Camryn is thirty months post transplant, she still heads down to UCLA for once a month clinic appointments. I am hopeful at some point the appointments will be fewer, but for now we will appreciate the health she does have and not ask for more.

Today's appointment went well...Camryn and Daddy headed down super early, because last time they went they hit horrible traffic and the whole morning was spent stuck in traffic and then delayed at clinic. So, they headed out early and got to clinic is great time! Camryn saw B, her nurse practitioner and Dr.M...of course we love the visits when this happens. They both confirmed that Camryn looks great! Her labs came back super as well...so grateful for her health.

Dr.M commented that she is right where they want her to be and that the chronic graft vs. host disease she is experiencing, will subside at some point. Research says that it won't last forever, but for now this is what we are dealing with. Camryn's skin is a mess, she looks like she has horrible eczema. The doctors said the weather isn't helping at all and to keep her super moisturized, so we will! I have to say that I am so thankful for the very sweet group of girls at school with Camryn...never once have they said a word about her skin or her scalp. I love these little girls, and I am so thankful for them!!

They are referring Camryn for a dermatology consult to have her scalp looked at further, but for now that's the extent of the issues...we are just thankful for her health.

Jason made the comment that while they were at UCLA he saw parents in various stages of the journey...and my heart paused. Inasmuch as I am SO thankful Camryn is doing well, the journey is never forgotten. I know there are children even at this moment who are on the 3rd floor fighting for their lives, children waiting for donors, parents receiving news no parent should ever have to hear...and my heart aches.

As I watched Camryn run her lap around the field with her PE class my heart smiled, there were many days when I wondered if ever. Would we ever get these moments? And the harsh reality is that we know far too many parents who don't and that breaks my heart.

Yes, we are thankful...but, incredibly humbled that Camryn is doing well. The Lord has taught us much throughout this journey and today He is gently reminding me...

Never forget...you were not the only parents walking in those shoes.

beautiful things...

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way



I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth



Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us



All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You





You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us





You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust



You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us



You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new



You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us



You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us



You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

~ Gungor

november...

The month has come and gone and not one single post from me...so here's the bullet point list of the month:

* Celebrated our niece Makenna's 17th birthday...we had fun celebrating a very special girl in our lives. Hard to believe Makenna is 17, but it is amazing to see the awesome young lady she is. We ate good food, but I think the highlight of the day was that the kids got to spend the afternoon with Caleb, Josh, and Makenna. One of the greatest gifts of my life are those kids...I love them and I am so proud of them and watching them with my kids just makes my heart happy! Love you three!!!

* Colds of 2011...we all got sick in November. Wyatt started it off, he thankfully got through it relatively quickly only missing 1 day of school. I got it next and I was not nearly as lucky as Wyatt...I was sick for 3 weeks and those of you that know me well might be shocked that I missed a day of work for myself. Camryn was next and of course this was the most alarming for us. We carefully watched her temperature and how she was doing...thankfully she did okay, missed 2 days of school but overall did okay. We were very grateful that she made it through a cold without a trip to the ER...grateful! Jason got sick and like he normally does fought it off and wasn't sick too badly...but all in all November was a month of coughing, sleeplessness, aches and pains, and of course lots of medicines.

* Conferences...at the beginning of the month the kids got 2 days of school off for the first quarter parent teacher conferences. Jason and I both were a bit nervous, we knew the kids were doing well, but since this was all so new we were anxious to hear how our little ones were doing. Camryn's conference was first...Mrs.B was so sweet in describing our precious girl. She is blossoming into a bright flower. Camryn is doing well with her reading, phonograms, math, science and just about everything else. She had been going to a special tutoring for new kids on their phonograms and we were told that she had caught up and she did not need to go anymore. WooHoo! We got her report card and to say we are proud would be an understatement...it's not just about her grades, but rather watching her enjoy, savor, and thrive at school brings healing. Wyatt's conference was amazing. Mrs.L is just awesome, she is one amazingly gifted teacher. Wyatt is doing super well in kindergarten...we were so happy to hear such neat things about our boy. We were a bit anxious, especially since we opted to put Wyatt in kindergarten and not hold him back. And true to our thought he is excelling academically and doing amazing! We are so proud of him...he truly is a gift, a most precious gift.

* Thanksgiving...we had a fun day on Thanksgiving hanging out at my parents' house. It was just us and my parents so it was a quiet day spent eating, watching football, movies, playing games, and of course just enjoying time together. I am so incredibly thankful for my parents, they have filled the gap for me more than once and just have been amazing helps in my life. The relationship they have with my kids is completely priceless, one of the biggest blessings in my life.

* Thanksgiving Part Two...on Friday we spent the day with Jason's family. What a wonderful day we spent together...one of the biggest blessings of Jason's family are the cousins. Camryn & Wyatt love spending time with Riley & Peighton...and we of course just so enjoy spending time with our siblings and parents. One of the joys of this year was having Jason's grandma here with us...although we missed Grandpa immensely, but the Lord has been good, allowing Grandma to be here with us to celebrate all that we have to be thankful for.

* UCLA trip...on the last day of November I spotted Camryn walking to the nurse's office at school (I was out on lunch supervision duty). I walked over and met her and tears began streaming down her face. She wasn't feeling good, her ear was hurting, and she looked like she had a fever. I walked with her to the nurse and they took her temp...sure enough low grade fever, but I was most concerned as she was really in pain because of her ear. I quickly began going into my mommy of a childhood cancer survivor mode. I called Camryn's nurse practioner and she told me to call her primary doctor or get her to Urgent Care. Can I tell you how excited I was that the ER was not mentioned?! I called UCLA and got an appointment for 3:40...we headed down and it was determined that she had massive wax build up in her ear and it needed to be flushed in order for the doctor to see if in fact she had an ear infection (that's what her nurse practioner thought it was). After flushing her ear, Camryn felt better and of course she had an ear infection. We got a prescription and headed home...thankful for UCLA, but could have done without the 3 hours at UCLA and the hour and a half drive home.

* Pictures...I had asked my friend Kelly to take some pictures of the kids and the 4 of us for possible use for a Christmas card. Camryn wasn't feeling great, so we had to cancel. Kelly ended up coming over and playing with the kids and hanging out...gosh, we love Kelly! Later that week Camryn felt better so we headed to the park and I snapped a few pictures...I'll share them in another post, but let me say I cried when I saw them. How in the world did my kids get so big?!

Well, that's a month in a nutshell...sorry, I was missing in action. I will try to do better this month, I have missed my blog...

Thanks to our faithful readers for not giving up on us...shout out to my cousin Kristi! :)

rapunzel & flynn...

Any of you who know us well, know that Camryn is a planner extraordinare...she plans holidays, parties, and everything in between well in advance. So the moment she saw Tangled she knew, she knew she had to be Rapunzel.

And if you know Wyatt well, you know that he hates all things connected with costumes...he is not one to dress up at all.

As we were planning for Halloween, Camryn was set and Wyatt well I was waiting for his final decision. He decided to be Flynn Rider from Tangled...yep, we had a pair of cuties...







We headed to church to enjoy Trunk or Treat...and of course have fun with cousins Riley & Peighton! The kids enjoyed getting lots of candy, eating lots of popcorn, playing games, and just having a fun, safe Halloween!



Although I will say that a holiday on a week night makes for some cranky kids the next day...but, we had lots of lots of fun creating memories and enjoying time together!

dance clinic...

A Village tradition is Elementary Night at a home football game...Camryn & Wyatt were excited as now they are "officially" part of the elementary!

Sneaking a picture with Wyatt's very favorite cheerleader...Megan and her "George"



And of course Camryn had to see Megan too...



Camryn performing the "Color Shout" for Grandma & Papa...dare I say it that she LOVES to cheer?! :)



Eisley joined in and I'm pretty sure they were on the "white, white, white, white" part...



The best of friends...Crusaders through and through.



Camryn and Sophia...they quickly have become best of friends. These girls were too cute!!!



Performing with the Dance Team. A very cool tradition is the Dance Team hosts a clinic were they teach the little girls a dance on Saturday morning. Then that evening the girls get to perform...it is so cute, and so fun!! In fact it could be that I was once in the Dance clinic too. :)



With her team...


Cute Wy Guy...


Wyatt hanging out with his good buddy Kevin...



Love this pic...potential a Senior page picture??


Go VCS...it is awesome this year to share all the Village fun as a family!

a little, okay a lot behind...

So, I am behind...way behind. I am learning that working full-time and having both kids in school is proving that my blogging time has become a lot less. And really, that's okay...I really would not have it any other way.

But, I am in the process of getting caught up...so please be patient with me!

Posts coming...I promise!

student of the month...

We are quite proud of our boy...

Wyatt was selected as the Student of the Month for September. First month of school...he is student of the month. Mrs. L described him as such a well behaved little boy, sitting with his hands folded nicely at his desk or on the rug, never running up the slides, being kind...



I won't lie, my eyes teared up as Wyatt was standing up on the stage. He is such a little guy, but he has such a big heart. What a gift, Jesus blessed our family with!

Grandma & Papa were there...



Grandma & Wy...Papa was in Pennsylvania, but he sent his congratulations!



Of course Camryn was more than proud!



Of course Jason and I were proud...incredibly proud. Wyatt is just blossoming at school. He is doing SO well, better than I think either of us even imagined. He is amazing us with his daily list of what he did at school. And quite honestly, is shocking us with his desire to learn, grow, and do!



We love you Wy! We are so proud of you!!!

incredible blessings...

Sometime during the summer this song was sung by a dear friend of mine in church...as she sang these words tears rolled down my cheeks. It was as if her words were being sung straight to my heart, by my heart...

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

~ Blessings by Laura Story

There are times when the struggle of my heart creeps in...oh there are many sunny days now, many days when rain drops don't fall; but there are days when my heart stops suddenly and memories, moments come flooding back.

I have grown to realize that at no time is our journey truly over. The journey changes, becomes about different things, but never over. Someone asked me the other day when Camryn will be cleared from leukemia...the question stopped me. I had not heard the "l" word spoken about Camryn in a long time...and quite honestly the answer is never. Never, which is a very long time.

Our counter is still filled with medicine. Camryn still talks about what made her sick, her juice. Wyatt vaguely remembers a night in the hospital. We still see the doctor once a month. UCLA is still a very real reality.

But, the Lord's incredible blessings come...in the midst of the moments when my heart stops in its tracks. When I'm not sure how we came to be here, but here is where we are and I will forever thank my Lord.

I will never pretend to understand the journey, or the blessings that have come...

I only know that I am humbled, amazed, grateful; and yet, confused, hurt, and doubtful...

And my Lord loves me just the same.

disneyland solo...

Daddy is away at Men's Retreat, so what do the we do while he's away???

Go to Disneyland!

Yep, I braved taking the kids by myself for the first time...hey, they are 7 and 5, I figured by now I'd be okay to brave it by myself. Many woman have done it much sooner and yes, I am very amazed by them. :) The kids and I had a fabulous day!

We didn't stay overly long which was nice since the park was super crowded and it was hot...but, we got there at 9:00 so we beat the rush a bit! We did the kids usual favorites and just had fun together...I love that more and more our lives are normal and we can enjoy things like families do.

I smiled at watching them run all over Tom Sawyer's Island...yes, we still call it that even though Disney would rather us say "Pirate's Lair". Watching them chat about where they wanted to go next...and of course stopping at their favorite place. Small World!

Sometimes it's fun to just do the out-of-the-ordinary, on a very ordinary day...

a moment...

Every day around 2:50 I walk pass the kindergarten class rooms and arrive at room 1, look in the door and see a smile that meets mine...Wyatt Jason.

Today as we chatted he grabbed my hand and we walked hand in hand pass the classrooms to our usual waiting spot for Camryn. As we walked I will admit I choked back the tears, this is a moment I want to freeze forever, and ever. My little guy grabbing my hand and holding on tight.

I learned long ago that I had to hold my children loosely as they are not mine, they are incredible gifts. Sometimes I wonder how differently my perspective would be had I not walked the journey of motherhood that I have. I wonder if I would save the things I do, if I would let my kids do what they do, if I would allow what I allow, I just wonder how differently this would look.

I am constantly reminded that the Lord is holding us in all our moments, even the ones that hurt so deeply. I will admit that this September has had a very different feel from any other September to date. Usually September held lots of tears for this momma, as I went back to work after spending weeks at home just playing my way through summer. It was always very hard to head "back to school" year after year. I always longed for the day two little faces would be traveling with me...always. I remember praying and hoping that day would come when Camryn turned 5 and then that dream shattered.

And quite honestly everything since then has felt a bit fragmented...that we were living looking through broken windows and walking on broken glass.

Then Wyatt was going to school...and then Camryn and the dream began to refocus. And I won't lie it has taken me awhile to fully embrace it all. I think in some ways I feel as though I am walking through someone else's days. I have wanted these days for so long, and now that they are here I can't help but just savor each one.

I savor the little hand that grabs mine daily.

I savor the smiles when I pick them up from school.

And I savor most the moments when I sneak a glance at them throughout their days, whether they are on the play ground, walking to class, eating lunch, just any given moment when I see their faces...it is the biggest perk of my job by far!

And I continually thank the Lord for carrying us here, because really he did. No doubt, we never would have made it without his hands carrying us through. I thank him for the silver lining to the dark clouds now...the moments of normalcy...the moments when all I can say is "thank you."

But, most of all...

A moment when a hand grabs mine...and even better when both my hands hold theirs, for a moment that is all this momma will ever need.

"normal"...

Today Camryn did something little girls do...she went to her first "friend" party. Of course she has been to other parties, but this was the first one that was not a friend of the family or cousin. It was a party for a school friend and let me just say Camryn was over the moon to get to go!

When Camryn got the invitation I think it just might have been the coolest moment...she was so excited to be invited to S's party. We quickly put the date on our calendar and rsvp'd to the event.

We got there and I have to say that this was a new experience for both Camryn and me. I wasn't sure if parents dropped off, stayed or what exactly was the normal thing for parents to do. As we walked in it became obvious that parents were staying and welcome to stay and hang out. Camryn walked in and was a bit overwhelmed and shy, but quickly found S and S two of her best friends and all was well. I found another mom I had met at Meet the Teacher Night and chatted with her...okay, I talked with her for almost the entire party and it was wonderful. It felt nice to make a new friend and get to know some of the other moms of girls in Camryn's class...afterall, some of these girls could be her friends well into high school.

We enjoyed our day...it was nice to watch Camryn just blend in, to enjoy herself, and have friends.

Friendship is something Camryn has longed for, for a very long time. She has cried many times over the fact that she really didn't feel like she had any friends. And I know one of the best parts of school for her is having friends! She loves her friends and I daily thank the Lord for these precious girls who have shown Camryn grace, love, and acceptance!

I am praying that her friendships with these precious girls continues...and I am thankful for some neat moms to know and walk this journey of school with!

Thankful for the normal moments that are finding us...so grateful!

school days...

We are fully immersed in school days...our family of 4 is on school going bunch! Hard to believe today ended the fourth week of school...we've been in school one month! Oh my goodness, time is flying by that's for sure!

Wyatt is enjoying kindergarten. He is not fond of drop off and the actual going part, but once he is there is liking it a lot! He has come home telling me stories of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Peter Rabbit, and Jack and the Bean Stalk...they are studying fairy tales and doing some super cute activities with each one...going on a hunt all over the campus for Goldilocks, eating carrots with ranch dip and making a super cute rabbit, and making a giant puppet and counting jelly beans. Wyatt is also learning his phonograms and doing well with his weekly memory verses; it is super fun watching him learn and grow. At first he was not fond of nap time, but lately he has been telling me that he is resting (closing his eyes) in fact twice he has been the "super napper". :) He is learning to navigate recess time and making friends. At Back to School night his teacher said that it takes awhile for the kids to find their friends...and for the first week he had lots of tears because he said "he didn't have friends." Talk about breaking his momma's heart! But, true to his teacher's word he is finding his friends...there is lots of talk about recess, lunch, and the funny moments of 5 year olds. He talks often about his buddies R, T, and J...it's fun to watch him make some friends and enjoy a bit of life on his own. On of the highlights throughout my day is getting a peek at Wy during his recess time...the first week he saw me and just waited by the fence watching me while I supervised high school nutrition, and now slowly he is running and playing and I get the occasional wave from the top of the slide. I love these moments of my job...having Wyatt at school with me is a precious gift that I adore!

Camryn is a full-fledged 2nd grader. During the second week of school we hit a bit of a rough spot, Cam was unhappy she was not liking school, and truthfully I think she was just overwhelmed. She likes school, but I think her body was reaching a max for exhaustion. It was a super hot week days over 100+ which doesn't help Cam at all; plus PE had become a much dreaded event. Yes, that made her daddy sad. :) But, the third week was much better and this week was great! Cam is doing really well with school...she is learning her phonograms, it is a hard program to jump into, but she is doing super well with it. She will begin Early Birds twice a week which is an enrichment program to help her work through the two years of phonograms she has missed by coming in at this point. She is doing well with spelling which has been super exciting for her, she feels a great sense of accomplishment by being able to do well. She also got a 4th grade reading buddy who she will read with once a week...she was super excited because her buddy is the big sister of one of her friends in her class! She comes home daily telling me about science and what she has learned...telling me about her senses and taste buds on her tongue. It is amazing watching her be a little sponge and just soak in all the school she can. Camryn is loving her teacher and enjoys the daily activities of school...yes, even PE now. We worked through some issues there...enlisted the help of her teachers and are gently encouraging her to try to be physically active more and more. It is a hard feat for someone who just began really running this summer in therapy...baby steps is our goal in PE. :) Camryn is making friends too...she has made some super sweet friends in S, S, K, A and daily I feel like I hear another name of someone she played with. But, her one sweet friend S who daily goes to the nurse with Cam to get her medicine is a gift! Camryn gets embarrassed by telling her story and having to go take meds during the day, but S is a great added bonus who daily wants to go with Cam...and it is too cute!

All in all school is a gift...it's hard to believe we are starting a 13 year long process, but it is wonderful. A dream come true really...

So, I will savor the moments of homework, lunch packing, papers to fill out, and just everything in between...The Dynamic Duo are embracing the normalcy of life and we love it!!!

back to school...

A few weeks ago we attended Back to School night for the kids...it was a surreal experience. One because I am always the teacher, after 14 years of classroom teaching this was the first year I got to be the parent...it was awesome. Plus, the reality of Camryn & Wyatt being in school is still settling in...at times I really am shocked that our family has arrived at this place.

We ate our tacos and enjoyed the conversation with various parents of kids in our children's classes. It was really fun...especially since a few kids in our kids classes are children of our friends. In fact in Wyatt's class is the little boy of friends of ours from high school...fun to watch our boys go through school together. It is neat to get to know other families, but if I'm honest a bit overwhelming; it's as if the whole world is now our world and after it being so small it is a lot.Camryn wanted me to go to her class and Wyatt wanted Jason to go to his class, so that worked out perfectly.

It was pretty neat to sit at Camryn's desk and look at her things, write her a note, and hear all about the fun of 2nd grade. And it was super special because Camryn's 2nd grade teacher was my 2nd grade teacher...and I loved 2nd grade. It was very special. I know that the Lord's hands are all over this year for Camryn...she is making some very sweet friends and doing well with school. She is feeling a sense of accomplishment which is so amazing to witness. I love seeing the fingerprints of the Lord throughout the moments...from the sweetness of Mrs.B, to the wonderful nature of her PE teacher Mrs.H, to see how much she will learn and grow this year was awesome.

A very cool part of it all like I mentioned is Camryn's teacher was my teacher...how awesome is that?! I have some of my fondest memories in Mrs.B's (well she was Miss J then, she wasn't married yet) class...from the friendships I made, to whale watching, to lice, to chickenpox, to Pac-Man multiplication tables race, to tissue paper trees, to rainbow shirts and wrap-around skirts...yes, second grade was one of my favorite years! And I cannot wait for Camryn to enjoy the person Mrs.B is...she is simply wonderful...and yes, I was smitten with her when I was 7, so I know Camryn will be too!

Jason headed to kindergarten where the chairs are much smaller...it was a crack up watching Jason sit behind Wyatt's desk! Jason heard all about the fun of kindergarten and what a very full day it is...they have busy schedules! Jason was amazed at Mrs.L and just her love for what she does, but also just how amazing of a person she is! He heard about phonograms, reading, field trips, nap time, testing, and just about everything else. I think Jason's mind was in a bit of a whirl when it was all over, but it was priceless watching Jay look at Wyatt's work and smile. He is proud of his boy, so proud of all that Wyatt is learning.

It is a very special treat for Wyatt to have Mrs.L...his cousins Caleb, Josh, and James all had Mrs.L as well. Guess it's something about the boys! :) Wyatt thinks it is very cool to be in the same room Caleb (who is now 25) was in! Plus, I was Mrs.L's TA when I was a 9th grader...I colored many a book, cut tons and tons of patterns, made letters for bulletin boards, and soaked up kindergarten! I have to say Mrs.L has a way that is magical...her room doesn't quite seem like a class room, but more like a little world that she has created and it is just amazing!

When we got home from Back to School Night, Jason looked at me and said, "Thanks for making it possible for them to be at Village." And you know that meant the world to me. It is rough balancing motherhood, full-time teaching, and everything else...but, it is well worth it when I stop to consider just what amazing ladies they have reaching into Camryn & Wyatt's lives each and every day.Blessed beyond measure!

five years old...

Happy Birthday Wyatt!

You are the craziest, funniest, best, most wonderful, precious, sensitive, stubborn, feisty, fun, and just plain special boy ever. We love you big and we love you deep. We cannot believe you are five...I wish we could slow down time a bit. Your first five years have been anything but easy...lots of ups and downs we have endured as a family. But, you...you remind God's ever present reminder that He is with us. He hasn't finished writing our story and you are a constant reminder of how great God's love is for us. We dream, hope, and wish great and big things for you...cannot wait to see where 5 takes you! We love you buddy and bub Love, Daddy, Mommy, and of course your best friend Camryn

first day of school...

A day that I don't think we thought would ever come...the first day of school. Camryn was very excited, thrilled, and just over the moon to get to go to school! She just had to wear her jumper and pick out her navy blue Converse...she looked darling, so grown up. This day has been a long time in coming... In fact when Camryn turned 5 I packed this day away in the "things you cannot dream" category, it was for another day, another time. Honestly, I really had not yet myself fully embrace Camryn going to school, I think in a way I was waiting for something to change. But, nothing changed. We got up, at a yummy breakfast and got our precious girl ready for her big day. I must admit part of what has taken me so long to post this is because I am lacking the words to fully capture the enormity of the moment for all of us.

Our precious girl who has fought through more than any child should ever have to was going to school...for the first time in almost 5 1/2 years she was doing something every other kid does. And that means the world. After watching other kids enjoy the moments of childhood and having to look the other way at times, because it was just too hard to watch and tell yourself "someday". Well, someday came and it was a full day, full of meaning. Camryn has made it...she has reached a benchmark that quite honestly I never knew for certain she would. She is alive. She is healthy. She is well. And to watch her drop her back pack at her classroom and run out on the playground was more than my heart could handle, tears came. That is our little girl...oh the story that the Lord has woven to get her to this moment. Oh the countless number of people who have prayed and prayed for this very moment...and here we are living it. I stopped dreaming, because it hurt too much...and know looking at those big blue eyes soaking in life as a kid in school it feels so good. I really don't know if my heart has ever felt this good since this journey began. Camryn Lee ~ You have taught me more than I will ever teach you. You fight, survive, and love in a way that few people ever will be able too...you do life big and you do life well. I am humbled and honored to be your mom...I love you my best girl and I have never been more proud of you. You fought leukemia and you've won...You've won! I thank the Lord daily for blessing my life with you...your strength runs deeper than most adults and your story has woven throughout many people's lives. You matter and your life holds weight in this world. Learn, grow, and enjoy the journey...you have fought harder than most to get here. Live it, Love it, and beyond all else thank Jesus for doing what he does best...leave us amazed at who He is. You were made for the amazing my sweet girl. Love, Mommy Our baby started kindergarten...his life has always been marked by his sisters and his life has been viewed through the lens of what is okay for her. And now Wyatt has a world all his own. I cannot believe how old he is...I cannot believe I am watching him start a journey that will forever be different. Our boy is growing up...I wish he would slow down a bit. But, why? Wyatt has a world that he needs to explore, learn, and grow in...a world outside the world of leukmia, cancer, and a sick sister. He deserves to step out of that enormous shadow and live too... And so off to kindergarten he went.

He had a bit of a struggle getting settled in...I'll admit it is a bit crazy and chaotic the first day of school and if you know Wyatt well he doesn't do well with either one of those things. Plus, let's be honest Wyatt is shy...it takes a while, a long while for him to come out of his shell and frankly being thrust into school is simply not his deal. But, I held the tears in while he begged Jason and me to not make him do this...

Inasmuch as it was a struggle, it was absolute joy. Wyatt and Camryn were starting a journey together and I think he honestly feels so much more comfortable just knowing Cam is always there. Camryn has always been there and she has been the best friend in Wyatt's little world...and I really think starting school has him nervous, how do I function on my own. I have always felt a bit guilty for Wyatt's early years, so much of them were defined by Camryn's issues...always felt that he was missing out on so much. I have always hated watching Wyatt try to find himself in social situations, feeling like maybe it wouldn't be so hard on him if he had to do it at a young age...but, there is no going back. Wyatt is learning...and Wyatt is going to be okay.

Our baby...is in school, a new chapter is being written just by the fact that we no longer have kids at home. They are big kids, oh they are still little, but they have started a new journey. A journey that I am so thankful they are on...so thankful. When I picked them up after their first day there was a lump in my throat...Wyatt had made it through, he survived and as much as he doesn't want to go back he will and he will blossom and bloom into a kindergartener in no time. Wyatt Jason... How in the world are you ready for kindergarten? I remember vividly the day we heard the news that you were coming and even more the day that you came...how are we ready to start this new journey. You have always been my love letter from Jesus, you have always been his gentle reminder that the story is never over and that he is way ahead of us...that he knows our greatest need before we do. You my precious son have always been a saving grace for your momma's heart. You are shy, timid, and yet full of strength and courage...you live quietly and loud, but more than anything you live. I love you my precious boy...my bubba. You mean the world to me and I am so proud of you for starting school. Enjoy this new journey and I am thankful for each day when you grab my hand and we walk side by side. Thank you for being my love letter, Mommy

meet the teacher night...

This past Thursday was Meet the Teacher Night...it was with great anticipation that this night came. One for this momma who has waited for the day to take a very special little girl to meet her teacher...and now that little girl is in 2nd grade! Two for this same momma who is sending her baby to kindergarten...how in the world did that happen?! Third for this same momma who earns a living teaching 8th grade students the finer points of U.S. History. Yep, all of that rolled into one night!

Here's the bullet list of the night...

* Extreme heat...my children handle heat differently. Camryn does okay, she runs a bit cooler than oh say Wyatt. Wyatt just withers, he cannot handle and he has a sweaty mess the whole evening.

* Hanging out...our family for the first time hung out as a complete family. The last couple years I did not enjoy Meet the Teacher as it was just another reminder that Camryn was sick and that her life was not normal. But, not this year! She looked and acted like any other 2nd grader...it was amazing!

* The prayer circle which is a very cool tradition, to lay the school year at the Lord's feet asking Him to guide us as we "attempt and expect" great things from Him.

* Kindergarten...We headed down to the Kindy building to meet Wyatt's teacher. Wyatt has Mrs.L is year, what a treat! He walked in and found his desk, his cubby, and did the little scavenger hunt Mrs.L had for them. It was darling! I could not believe that our little guy was starting school...yikes! Hard to believe it all...there is just so much of this momma's heart wrapped up in our little guy to see him take this next step of growing up as me a bit teary. I may or may not cry tomorrow the first day of school...I am pretty sure I will. Wyatt is ready with his nap mat, his backpack, lunch box, paint shirt...he is ready. He loves Mrs.L as she has been a friend for a long while and he knows a few friends. In fact he saw his friends R & T from summer school and they were very excited to see him...R is in his class and I'm sure they will be big friends throughout the year.

* Second grade...Camryn walked to Mrs.B's room and was so excited to find her desk and to see that she is sitting by the one little girl she knows in the class K. Mrs. B was my second grade teacher so I know Camryn is in great hands...she'll have so much fun! Camryn checked out her desk, books, papers and enjoyed the entire experience. She is nervous, but so excited! She met a little girl S who is also new and Camryn wants to make sure S is okay and she is hoping that K & S will become her good friends. I probably don't need to say that it is beyond our wildest dreams that Camryn is going to school, real school...I don't think it will fully hit me until tomorrow morning when she walks in her room. I am so proud of her...so excited for her...this is one of the greatest marks for her that she is well and there are not enough words to capture that.

We could not be happier for Camryn & Wyatt...their story is beginning a new chapter and it feels so good and yet so odd all rolled into one. We are so thrilled to be starting something new and different...no longer dictated by hospitals, doctors, and medicines. The air is different and it is a gift beyond measure.

God is good.

He has carried us to this point, and He will continue to. But, the glory for all of this is His.

God is good.

Beyond anything else that is what is rolling through my head and heart...

This journey began almost 5 1/2 years ago and now it is changing...

In His goodness it is changing.

{like} home...

It's Tuesday...

Yep, a clinic visit was on the schedule for today and since Jason and I are both off work we decided to both go with Camryn. Maybe it was the fact that we both needed/wanted to hear the words we are still celebrating..."Camryn can go to real school."

We made it down to clinic in great time, said our usual "hellos" and headed to our usual spot. For some reason today Camryn looked really grown-up to me...maybe it's the fact that the chair the kids sit in to get their vitals used to look huge when Camryn was two and now the chair fits her. It is weird to be traveling the same halls month after month for the past 58 months. While we waited in the eerily quiet clinic, Camryn drew pictures and enjoyed having both her mommy & daddy with her. In a few minutes Dr.B came in to do our initial check-up...everything looked great. We talked about medicines, therapy, immunizations, and school...all conversations that we haven't had in a long time, wait never. A few minutes later Dr.M came in...Camryn's face lit up, like it always has since she was two. Not sure there is a doctor in the world who means as much to a seven-year-old. She loves him.

Dr.M congratulated Camryn on getting to go to school...he said that her immunity cells looked great. In fact she has a large number of helper cells the kind he was hopeful to find...and those are the magic that allow Camryn to go to school. He said they would go down on her tacrolimus and then start working on getting some of the other medicines down in the next few months. We were also given a list of immunizations that are okay for her to begin...this is great news! Not to great for Camryn as she has started the immunization process when she was a baby, again at 4, and now again at 7...yikes! But, we are so thankful...so thankful.

Camryn's appointment went super...the lab draw went great and then we had to wait a little while for her prescription to be filled. So we walked over to the "big" hospital. As we were walking over Camryn said, "I spent a lot of nights in this building...". Yes, you have...almost enough to be home. Not really, but in a way UCLA feels {like} home.

I won't lie I had a knot in my stomach today, guess I was waiting for the shoe to drop, for the doctors to say they'd changed their minds and she could not go to school. I know I should think positive...but, it's hard and it is a battle.

But, I am thankful that the battle happens at a place I know so well...

So after we got home and picked up Wyatt we went shoe shopping for school...yep, it was fantastic.

It's really happening...

And in an odd way there will always be a piece of us at UCLA, no matter how well Camryn gets.

a {real} school girl...

There is an air of anticipation swirling in our house, we've got lots going on...

From the demo to the laying of the foundation of our addition...

A port-a-potty in my driveway...classy, I know!

To a little boy brimming with excitement that school starts August 29th!

To a shy, reserved little girl who doesn't quite know what to do with herself.

I knew the news of last Wednesday would take awhile to settle in, not only on my heart; but more importantly on the little girl who lives the life she does. My heart has ebbed and flowed from joyful tears, to the dam that held back the tears breaking...I had buried in the very depths of my heart the thought of my little girl going to school. Those dreams were buried in 2009 and I made a promise to myself then that I would not allow myself to dig them up; that someone else would have to do the digging.

You see there is a part of this journey through leukemia that just waits...until the moments come again. While we were preparing our little boy to go to kindergarten there was a lot of burying going on...daily in fact. Daily I asked the Lord to give me new dreams and help me let go of the old ones. Daily. As the summer wore on and our little guy got ready I was finding it hard to keep all those buried things in check...remember, Lord I want/need new dreams? I'm sure He is smiling now.

So, when the call came of yes my heart did not know what to do...because, in almost every area of life my great nemesis is fear. What if I allow myself to be happy and excited only to have the dream come crashing down? I cannot do that again. What if I allow Camryn to dream those big dream and have to pick up the pieces of her broken heart if that dream does not come true? Fear, quite frankly stinks. I have lived with it for awhile and if I'm honest battling my way through it.

But, I swallowed hard and grabbed my shovel and dug up the dream...

And you know what? It is as fresh and new as it was the first time...only that much sweeter for having been grown deep in my heart.

We filled out paper work, got official enrollment things done, signed waivers, wrote checks, and today took a step that made it as real as can be...a little girl tested. Camryn walked into the office and was greeted by my second grade teacher, who in my humble opinion was the absolute best. I have the fondest memories of my time spent in room 34, so to see her face made my heart just smile. Mrs.B introduced herself and Camryn timidly went with her...Camryn was nervous, very nervous.

As I sat waiting for Camryn I lost myself in thought as I looked at the trees of the school, the field, the playground...remembering 29 years ago when a little girl roamed these very places. I thanked Jesus for giving us this. All of this. Are we nervous, yes, of course...this is new and scary for all of us. But, it is good and it is sweet.

After the testing we received good news that she did great and warmed up right away...she was a "great problem solver and good reader". My heart smiled...many thanks to Miss F, Mrs.W, and Teacher S...you should be proud of your little student. On the way home Camryn said she is nervous for real school as she has never done this...I guess at 7 it isn't the separation anxiety, it is just the social anxiety. She is worried about making friends, knowing what to do, and finding the right place for herself...a lot for a little heart to carry.

Later this afternoon we went and picked up a few uniform pieces...And as that sweet little girl was trying on her school uniform she looked in the mirror and said, "Wow, mom I am a real school girl" with the biggest smile ever.

I imagine as big as my smile was it pales in comparison to Jesus' as I'm sure He was saying...

"Yes, you are my sweet girl. Yes, you are."

pinch her...

I think Camryn is in a state of disbelief...it's almost as if she is walking around asking to be pinched to make sure this is real...

SCHOOL.

Today, we went to school to filled out the official enrollment paperwork and everyone who saw her said, "Yay, Camryn!" She was a tad embarrassed, but it was awesome for this momma's heart. As I filled out contact information I smiled...didn't really let my heart allow myself to believe this could/would happen now. Then I got to the Student Health History paper...really?! Can I add a second page? But, simply put...

Bone Marrow Transplant June of 2009, remission from leukemia.

And that's the story...feels almost as if the period (.) really belongs there. As of right now that's our story and we are beginning on a whole new chapter.

And again the Dynamic Duo is starting the chapter together, side by side, almost as if that's the way it's always intended to be.

It's fitting I think...completely fitting. And a dream come true!

So pinch us...it's real!

long awaited news...

After two year of waiting Camryn got the biggest news of her little life today...

She is cleared to go to school this fall, real school! She is SO excited...

I won't lie, there were tears cried by many when we shared our news...the only bummer was that her daddy wasn't here to see her huge smile in person. But, she made sure she chatted with him!

It seems pretty darn surreal...we have put this dream on the back shelf so long that to be honest it's as if I don't know how to live it as it was let go.

But, I'm sure it won't take long...

There is talk of back packs, uniforms, shoes, classrooms, teachers and everything else...not sure there is a second grader in the world more excited for school than Little Miss Camryn Lee.

We are so thankful, more than thankful for what this means...

I'll write more later...right now tears are clouding my eyes. :)

lots of this 'n that...

Well, what can I say...I've been a bit, okay a lot behind in blog posts. Guess I can chalk it up to just being busy and enjoying every last second of summer.

Here's a few of the highlights:

* Wyatt's summer school adventure...tomorrow is Wyatt's last day of summer school as he will be missing the last three days due to our family vacation. To say we are amazed at the growth in him over the course of the past few weeks would be an understatement...we are speechless. What started as a rough process, grew into something so unique and special for Wyatt which means so much. We are very excited as Wyatt really had his own little world to explore and enjoy. He did great! He made friends, learned a lot, and most of all grew up before our eyes. So, later in August our little boy will head to as Mrs.D calls it "the Big Time, Kindergarten". We are incredibly thankful for the past few weeks...thankful for Wyatt's adventure this summer and what it means to his mommy and daddy.

* Camryn's adventurous summer...let's just say Camryn has had a few full weeks of summer. Camryn's goal this summer was to learn to swim, and I'm proud to say that she is well on her way there. Many thanks to our friends who kindly let us use their pools...so nice! Camryn is also reading, reading, and reading. I have taken her to the library twice and she is loving it...books are her friends, and what great friends to have. When she is not reading or playing, she is creating something...Camryn loves crafts and she loves paper, scissors, tape, and anything else she can use to create something just right. The other day it was all the dixie cups in the bathroom...she created a ton of stuff. Can't say I loved using all the cups, but honestly her creativity was pretty amazing.

* Camryn's medical world...her labs continue to be great! There is no end to our praise about that, we don't take that for granted one bit! In light of her labs looking great her team has decided to wean her meds which has been a step in the right direction. We are thankful for how well Camryn is doing. She is losing much of her steroid weight, which is wonderful...Camryn is looking more and more like herself, yay!

* Jason's projects...we are planning to add on a room to our house. We have a back patio/room that we are going to demo and then officially add it on to our home...we are excited! In light of that we have to figure out some things for our two dogs; so Jason has been busily working on our side yard to create a dog run type area for our dogs to be during construction. We also had a bit of a rough 4th of July weekend...our neighbors love to set off fireworks, much to my disliking. Our dogs get scared out of their minds hearing the "pop, pop, pop". Our dog Sydney who we've had for five years decided this year to jump over our fence into our neighbor's yard while they were having a party...yep, lovely! So we've been trying to figure out ways to keep Sydney in our yard...the final solution is our neighbors, yes the ones who's yard she visited 3 times gave us some lattice screens to use. And thus far, Sydney has stayed home...thankfully!

* Dana's projects...the week before last I was at Camp Curriculum at work. We worked on our curriculum plans for our classes and our WASC visit this coming March. Then last week I worked some more...doing teacher interviews and meeting to work through our school handbooks. So, really officially summer is now...no more work for me until I go back officially in August. I am busily looking online to get ideas for how I would like to decorate our new space...trying to figure out how best to use the furniture we have and such. And I am reading...I have found this summer that reading is something I love to do and most of the time throughout the school year I don't have time. But, so far I've read two books and I just checked out two more from the library...yay!

We are enjoying life...and the life feels normal, we are beyond thankful!

Hope you are enjoying your summer too...

first day of school...

Yesterday Wyatt had his first day of school (summer school that is), but school nonetheless...

Wyatt has never embarked on new adventures on his own. He always has had his trusty best friend, big sister, teacher, did I mention best friend by his side. And yesterday morning as fear crept in his little heart I completely understand why...

His childhood has been unlike most 4-almost-5-year-olds...

And yesterday morning I saw it...Wyatt is a brave little guy, a very fun little guy, but he was completely overwhelmed by the other kids who were so sure of themselves and I saw it in his eyes, he wanted to crumble in a million pieces. He didn't know what to do...do I sit here, do I say hi, how do I navigate in this world? Camryn has always been by my side.

And I watched all the while my heart breaking into a million pieces...fighting back tears that soon found me while driving home.

Thankfully, his teacher is an incredible lady who has a beautiful heart for little ones. She loved him through...and when I picked him up he was smiles, he had fun, and he even made some friends. In fact the little guy who sits next to him asked, "Hey Wyatt, tomorrow do you want to be buddies and play together?" Wyatt smiled and said a quiet yes.

Wyatt is learning a new life and as his momma I want to protect him and I will admit there was a strong desire to pick him up dry his tears and hold him forever. But, I know that he needs this...he needs to develop a world of his own. He needs to live a life for him...he needs to create a world of Wyatt not of Camryn.

We had tears again this morning, but I'm hoping to see my little guy in about an hour and I hope to see a smile.

He is okay, he will be okay, but learning this adventure is a tough one for Wyatt.

Gosh, I love him and he always had a bond with his momma's heart that is different than Camryn. Wyatt and I both have traveled a journey together and now I want so badly to save him, but he needs to grow his own wings and fly...

Hoping.Believing.Trusting as he learns to fly.

i heart the mornings...

One of my favorite parts of being off work are the mornings...I love them. I love sleeping in and waiting to hear little feet come cuddle in bed with me for a bit. I love watching the day begin...breakfast, plans for the day, and just starting my day with my two sweet kids. I love it...

Starting Monday Wyatt will go to his class at 8:00, so our mornings might be a bit different...but, that's okay we are so excited to see how he does. And it I'm honest A LOT nervous too. Got teary eyed last night talking about it...

But, for today I am going to savor these little faces and the sounds of the morning and the beauty of the day ahead.

love me some u.s.of a.

Those of you that know me in real life know that I teach 8th grade U.S. History which covers the Revolutionary War to the Civil War and Reconstruction. Anyways...I thought it was time for some patriotic pride as one of my favorite holidays is quickly approaching...

July 4th!

Yes...the history buff in me loves all things Americana. I love red.white.blue...I love flags...I love all things U.S. of A.

So incredibly thankful that I have the opportunity to teach students the importance of their country, their freedoms, their democracy, their opportunities...yes, I love it all.

In fact this summer my goal is to read a bunch of historical novels ranging from Team of Rivals, 1776, The Greatest Generation, and anything else my eye catches...yep, I am a history nerd.

Hope you have an amazing summer...

a super long day...

Today is Tuesday which means clinic around here...Camryn and I headed out and made great time. We hung out and played Littlest Pet Shop while we waited for her doctors. In a few minutes B came in to see us...Camryn put on quite a show of craziness. It was obvious that she was feeling really well and doing great. We talked about medicine and some changes. All in all it was a super uneventful visit, which was topped off with a good lab report...our baby girl keeps plugging along and doing well, we are so thankful.

We headed home and I went to my official last day of work for summer...yay! Summer is here and I am so glad. We had a luncheon, celebrated those who have worked for certain number of years and those that are leaving...I always have hated good-byes. It was bitter sweet. After lunch a group of us went and played softball, it was so fun! I was determined not to stink...competitive much?! It was fun, I laughed, and felt so at ease...it was if the pace of summer was finding me and I savored every moment.

After that was over I came home picked up Camryn for another trip down to UCLA...no, we don't normally do two trips in one day, but this was the only PT appointment available for this week so we took it. Camryn did well in therapy, I love her therapist K, she is wonderful! I noticed that Cam is making progress which is so very exciting and rewarding...the therapy is working and helping. At 6:00 we headed home...

If you have ever tried to get from the west side to the east side at 6:00 you know that traffic is found everywhere...there is simply no short cut. So we sat in some traffic and listened to Disney radio in the car. Good times spent with my sweet girl. On the way home we met Wyatt and Daddy for dinner. While we were at UCLA Daddy took Wyatt for a hair cut...he looks darling! I love his hair short.

So, summer starts NOW...and I'm tired. It has been a very long day and now I'm going to rest and enjoy the fun of the pace of summer. Looking forward to some fun...lots of swimming, beach trips, and just family time. I cannot wait.

But, first tomorrow morning bright and early I am heading to the uniform sale at school to try to find some good deals for Wyatt...and then next Monday Wyatt starts his kindergarten prep class for four weeks. I'm a bit anxious to see how he does.

Another season...so thankful for the beauty, pace, and wonder of summer.

kindergarten, really? *gulp*

This past Tuesday Wyatt had his appointment to test for his readiness for kindergarten. I had thought, really Jason and I had thought that we would put Wyatt in pre-K to give him some time to "get his feet wet" in this new environment of school. Honestly, we have been a bit anxious about Wyatt going to school ever since he was born...you see Wyatt has lived in a very small world, extremely small. His social interactions are really limited, he has never been to pre-school, never even sat in a Sunday school class or VBS. He has had zero contact with a structured, organized, classroom type of environment. We just did not know how he would do and the last thing in the world we wanted to do was overwhelm him!

We arrived in the Elementary Office and waited to be taken to the kindergarten testing room...as we waited Wyatt was getting more and more anxious. I was beginning to wonder was this just the worst idea? But, then a familiar face came in Miss E...she sat down and began chatting with Wyatt. You know Elementary teachers are just one gifted group! After a minute we were ready to head to the kindergarten area...off we went.

As we walked Wyatt was doing great, but I was prepared if a melt-down occurred...we walked into Room 3 and he said hello to Mrs. D and Mrs. V and off he went. I went in Room 4 and filled out a questionnaire to pass the time. About 10 minutes in Mrs. V came in and we chatted...most of the teachers are friends, they know our story and they all cannot wait to see Camryn and Wyatt come to school. As we chatted a little face emerged and he had a smile. I knew he survived. I went and talked with Mrs. D who said that Wyatt was more than ready for kindergarten. *gulp* Jason and I had figured pre-K, but Mrs. D and Mrs. V felt pre-K might not be challenging enough. Mrs. D's recommendation was the 4 week summer school prep class to let Wyatt get his feet wet and then enroll him in kindergarten.

As we walked to the car and I held his hand I wondered what his first days of school would be like...was my baby boy ready?

I guess if I'm honest I've always been a bit hesitant to let go of Wyatt. It all started long ago in a procedure center at Cedars-Sinai when we were discussing a baby that was coming...and now I'm beginning to process letting a baby go. I have watched Wyatt be wheeled away on a gurney and I have kissed him good-bye to go be with his sister. I have always counted him younger than he truly is...I guess because in a way I felt that his growing up was always shadowed by Camryn's being sick. So in accepting Wyatt going to school I also have to accept that my baby will be five and he is no longer a little toddler/pre-schooler, but rather a growing boy. I really would love to freeze time...

In some ways I love Camryn getting older because it means that she is getting better and better and living. And yet I hate Wyatt getting older because it means that our "baby" days are leaving us. And really I have never felt I ever truly got to enjoy Camryn's pre-school years or Wyatt's either...there are some things leukemia took and it will never be given back.

But, I am excited...

Excited to see our little guy blossom into his own person...one not in his sister's shadow, but on his own. To experience something for the first time without his sister with him. To create a place of his own. To be Wyatt Mikels not just Camryn's little brother.

It's hard being a sibling of a ill child...it is hard walking in the shadow of a big sister who has gone through so much. And I am thrilled for Wyatt to step out of the shadow in to a world all his own.

****

Today signed his paper work and his is officially enrolled...yikes! It is real.

I wish Camryn was going to school too, I am sad not to have a packet for her as well. And when I go to the uniform sale on Wednesday it will be hard not to "shop" for her too, I've always done their things in twos. Now it is separate and it feels odd. And it is a bit sad.

I know the Lord has big plans for Wyatt at school, I know he will be just fine, but there is a part of my heart that is having a very hard time letting go. He's always been my healthy one...and I guess in a way I've always sheltered him so that he would stay that way (a confession), but now I have to let him live and let him go as much as it scares me too.

The Lord weaved a story so deep and wrote a love so strong when He blessed my life with Wyatt. He met my deepest sadness with one of my greatest joys...and now I will begin to ready him for school all the while praying that the Lord continues to hold him as Wyatt makes a world on his own. And Camryn waits patiently for her turn.

TWO years...

*Gulp*...it has been two years since probably one of the hardest days of our lives. A day I do not want to relive, but a day I never want to forget. The day was full of meaning and yet it felt as though it was a blur...there are moments I can take myself back to and moments that are so fuzzy I can't remember the details at all. Funny how your mind protects your heart...

The past two years have been an incredible journey, so different from the two years spent after Camryn's first transplant (10.20.06 - 10.20.08). Camryn has had many more ups and downs...a lot more medicine...many more doctors appointments...a few set backs...and yet, a lot more promise.

The first two years we spent were surreal...nothing really wrong at all, Camryn breezed through transplant, was taken off her medicines quickly, and returned to *normal* life in relative speed. These past two years? Anything but.

Transplant was much harder. The conditioning regiment to prepare Camryn for transplant was rougher. The days spent in the hospital were longer. She was older. There was a blood clot, Lovenox shots every night for over 18 months. There was a morphine pump, a burned esophagus, and days spent trying to get Cam to drink or eat. The medicine still lines a portion of our kitchen counter...there 7 medications still. There is a brownish/reddish rash that stands for progress, but looks awful. There is puffy cheeks, normal cheeks, and puffy cheeks again. The journey has been much more real, almost like this is what a transplant journey should be. And the first one...more like a dream.

A dream that fell apart.

I won't lie there is a part of my heart that wondered two years ago, if we would get here. Would we get to two years again? At the rate at Camryn's relapse I truly did not know. And if I'm being completely honest there is a lump in my throat wondering if two years is Camryn's magic number and is relapse looming around the corner. I know this isn't the way you should think...but it is the way parents of children with cancer think. There is always looming the what ifs...the questions...the past...the relapses...all of it.

And there is hope.

Hope that this time is different. Hope that things have traveled a different course. Hope that maybe just maybe all the GVH Camryn has battled has healed her. Hope that a little boy's marrow is stronger than cord blood. Hope that Jesus isn't finished writing Camryn's story...

There is more to write.

I told Jason this morning that I wanted to mark this date, to teach Camryn and Wyatt that it wasn't just a day of hospital life; but a day when Jesus does what he does best. He shows up and leaves us amazed...

After all that is what happened two years ago.

The glory of the journey...the hope of the future...the tucked away dreams, and the dreams that have been let go...all of those things are held tightly in our Saviour's hands. That He has carried us throughout this journey and He does still...

Even as we turn the calendar and begin to move towards 6.4.12...THREE years?! We've never marked that day yet...

Believing.Trusting.Hoping.Fighting.Surviving

a post full of pictures and some good news...

So, I'm behind...way behind on posting pictures. Tonight I caught a few minutes, I should be finishing grading some reports, but alas I left them at school...guess I'll have to finish them tomorrow. :)

On Mother's Day we had lots of fun celebrating two amazing moms and grandmas...





I am incredibly thankful for my mom and my mother-in-law...they have walked dark days with me and been a source of strength and encouragement. I am thankful for what they mean to me and to our family...don't quite know what we would do without you both!

Earlier this month we made our first beach trip of the year to celebrate one of the kids very best friend's birthdays...Happy Birthday E!

Beautiful day to fly a kite...Camryn was a little worried about letting the kite really fly, she wanted to keep it close to the ground.



Cute Boy...



Camryn has always loved writing her name in the sand...and I love these pictures. We have quite a collection of them that I cherish. Guess there is something beautiful in her name...



Enjoying the beach...after most of the party guests had left Cam, Wy and E headed down to the water.





Fun times in Morro Bay...

Playing on the giant chess board...


The Dynamic Duo...


A rare family shot, I wonder why we don't snap more of these...I guess I'm usually behind the camera.



Love this brown eyed boy...



Swimming. Camryn & Wyatt were SO excited to swim this year, last year Camryn had her line; but this year she is excited to swim, swim, and swim!



Wyatt didn't love swimming as much as Camryn...maybe it had something to do with the wind and the cold?!



Talking a walk with Josh...one of the blessings of having older cousins, my kids adore their three older cousins. Caleb, Josh, and Makenna mean the world to Cam & Wy.



Enjoying feeding the seals...



Sunset.



Papa & Grandma with their grandkids...



Checking out the otters...love time with these two.



On the way home we stopped at Avila Valley Barn, coolest place! The kids fed goats, donkeys, a cow, chickens...all sorts of fun. They had fresh fruit, lots of tasty treats and just lots of fun! I highly recommend a trip by there if you are heading up the Central Coast!


Beautiful.



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In other fun news...Camryn's labs this week look fantastic! While weaning her steroids her liver numbers have come down. Yay! We are so excited...her numbers are so strong and so great. Honestly, this is such a praise...means that the wean continues which we are so thankful for. In fact we are noticing that the side-effects of the steroids are becoming less and less. :)

Thankful...because Saturday marks TWO years.