hello.



oh holiday holiday!


make it a point to pray everyday!!













practice guitar.
go out and hang out. fellowship.




love God,
love people,
love life.





YAY!!!



(:








so near, yet still so darn far away.



-dexter

hi


training for jungle survival preparation isn't that easy.
but it is easy compared to BSLC of course.

haha, havent been exercising for so long and today we had a 3km endurance run.
i managed to run 11:39 min for that. but i heard the run was actually shorter than 3km. ah wells. whatever it is, i vomited a little bit of my laksa i ate earlier on right after the run. haha!

okay, it's in the middle of the night.
im tired.
and tmr will be a pretty tiring day too.

okay, i'd better sleep! haha. gdnite to you all! (:



i must make it a point to make sure i pray on the way to camp everyday !




question: what can you do when you can't do something you've been yearning to do? (not sinful or 'bad thing' of course)
answer: just live with it.



tired physically,
-dexter

hi,


Pst Lia preached tday that the spirit determines how high you rise and how low you fall.
then, i did a scary thing that i do very often:








self-evaluation.











looking at myself from an imaginary 3rd-person view...
yes, i fell low and i'm stuck low.









i fear i become saul.
i fear i dont have the spirit david had.
then... God can't fulfill the plan He initially had for me.
that means...





crap. can't allow that.







gee, but it feels a lil' weird.
cuz all my close friends in church
are either very busily involved with their ministries
or rising up really fast! like CGLs/staffs and all!!!
i'm really happy for them (: to watch them from afar growing this church.
but it's a little strange sitting there and watching them get busy and attending endless meetings and preparing endless stuff for service and all! cuz i'm just sitting there! watching them!
and wait for them to be done before i can spend the last one or two hours going home or having supper with them, if i do get that chance.


well, that's that! who's to blame?
guess who (: me lar, then?






two things can happen:
one, i be patient, keep growing and doing my little things for God... and one day, He will use me in a mightier way than He did before. He will fulfill my dreams of being a full-time staff in church, as a musician and a leader. Just worship-team leading, playing and worshipping, even worship leading! see lives change, see ppl impacted by God through my music and be a teacher to those who are keen to do the same. just serving Him in ways i can do best. giving my bestest years. have a great family, with an awesome wife! awesome kids! oh and i must have a dog at home. i hope maxxi will still be around then (:

or two, i will stand afar forever, watching my friends go up higher and further away. no, they aren't the ones going further away. i am the one leaving myself behind. and if this ever happens (i sure hope it doesn't), i will always acknowledge that it's my own fault and i will blame no one else for such a thing. and God won't be able to put the plan He had into my life. then i'd be troubling God to find someone to replace this jobscope He planned.




i'm fearful.
i dont wanna be far away from the leadership and Pastors.
but i feel like im drifting back and forth from and to them.
i feel like i could have and should be doing more and putting in more effort to get closer to them.

but the office is so repulsive (to me) on weekends. especially saturdays.
strange, huh? i have my reasons.
i try as much as possible to just be in the office and the alfresco to hang out and chat with ppl there. but sometimes i can't bring myself to go near there at all.



i need to change something deep inside my spirit and soul.
this thorn inside that is rather irritating




and painful.






God, i need help.
i need to stop depending on myself.
i need to go to You.
i really really need to stop trying
and start giving it all to You.
i really need to sit down with You and slowly sort these messy documents and organize them properly inside my heart. all these outdated documents and overdued bills really needs to be sorted out and filed properly, right, Jesus?






oh, the noise within!!!!!!
-funny little anticipative dracula music-


the sesame street Count will go, "Ah ha ha ha, one potato, hahaha.. two potatoes.. hahaha~~"
et cetera.





whatever it is, i'll hang on.
cling on real tight to the cross.
oh, the heavy cross and the long road to walk, bleeding the burden of sin.
i am tasting the same experience He went through about 2000 yrs ago.





hhaha.

on a brighter note!
i bought new shorts/berms ! it's the skinny cut one
haha.
i like.

ohhh yeah.
YEAHHHH!

YELLOW POLKA DOTTED MONKEYS FROM WESTERN HAWAII !!!! GOGOGO!


no, i dunno whats that.
giraffes are cool things.
they dont make much noise.








okay
question: what do you do when you see something or someone that causes you to feel guilty, upset, regretful and uncertain?
answer: look away, run away, try not to think about it.




love,
-dexter

hello.



i just felt the need to type alot.
alot alot alot.

but the laziness inside of me says "dont talk too much ah, fingers will tired one."

then i say, "orh."

yes.

alot of senseless things inside my head
like yellow pomelo and red-coloured green beans.
oh not to mention, 43 giraffe-patterned monkeys!


no, i have no idea what im saying.


i have not exercised for like 1 whole month. monday i went for a run with maxxi to meet leonard and russell (spelling uncertain). haha. maxxi has a temperamental malfunction. he growls at ppl who stops him from doing whatever he wants. he thinks male dogs are female dogs and he wants to pick a fight with larger dogs even though he's bound to get bitten all over if he were to engage in any fight.

yes. it has happened before.


i think it was like 3 months back? or 4?

maxxi had to stay in the hospital for days. he didn't like it, but he called it upon himself!
haha, he picked a fight with some huge collie dog while my mum was walking him. maxxi got bitten and punctured like some holes on his ears, got teeth slashes on his face and his ears. bleeding all over when he got home.

worse still, this fight caused my mum to fall and got 2 hairline cracks on her spine (fortunatedly, technology is so advance, she went for a minor operation and fully recovered in 2 wks). my mum also got friction burns on her hands, from the leash.

gosh it was terrible. but my mum is really sweet. she loves maxxi so much, that when i went to visit her at the hospital, the first thing she said was "how's maxxi? doctor say he ok?" Ironically, my mum's condition was more severe.

to make things worse, the owner of that collie dog was INITIALLY remorseful and offered to pay for the bills. but weeks later, when my parents wanted to sort this out, the owner refused to pay any of my mum's bills, and only offered to pay maxxi's hospitalisation bills. when i heard about it, i was thinking.. isn't my mum's life and well-being more important? isn't the operation my mum went through more crucial and more expensive?

oh well. that's that.



oh, a lil' update about my NS life.
yeah, im no longer in the ARMY, for those who don't know.
but i'm still serving NS, just in the Air Force.

NO I AM NOT A PILOT, I DID NOT SIGN ON.

haha, most ppl think Air Force = Pilot.
nope. Pilots can't work without engineers, technicians, clerks, air crew, weapon specialists, air traffic ppl and blah blah blah... and of course, the RPs.
the Air Force is more than just pilots.
the Air Force is pilots and OTHERS

i fall other "others".
i'm an air crew. in training.


okay, i've finished the theory part about Air Crew Specialist, and i'll be heading to the ground practical stuff.. swimming, helicopter underwater exit training, hooking up stretcher, using grab hooks and jungle survival preparations, etc etc.

will be heading to Brunei in early to mid December for 10 days - Jungle Survival. no, not JCC (for army ppl who know what is JCC). just a simple 4 day outfield w/o food.




now that i've got 8 to 6pm (5.30pm is BLUFF ONE LAH, it's 5.30pm start clearing the place up), i really need to make full use of my time. I need to find some fellowship. Practice guitar/drums. Listen to more music. Pray more. Spend more time with God.

I need to spend more time with God.
never felt that I've enough interaction with Him.
i gotta be more disciplined.


Oh, i need to apply for driving theory lessons.
and probably may wanna start learning and pursuing some qualifications in percussion playing. the trouble is... where do i get the instruments to practice on !? i need a marimba and a snare.


it's a weekday.
i like weekdays.
they are distracting me from the darkness within.
weekdays are good too.





oh! yong hong came for saturday service to listen to H.E. Zanele Makina! haha, i'm glad he had a great time there, listening to H.E.'s talk about leadership and God!

after sunday's svc, Kessler came over to church to just hang out. play pool, drink bottles of MUG rootbeer, play badminton and the wheelchair in artiste rm! haha. then we went out for supper at chong pang nasi lemak with hong hwee, melvin ang, sky and evie, boris, darren yeo, sam foo, elgin, and wei hao. haha. then kessler and i walked some distance and talked about army nonsense before we decided that we shld just hail and cab home.




as i was saying, before i digressed so disgustingly,

it's been 1 month since i exercised.
besides running with maxxi, the trainees and SENSOS in my Air Crew Specialist course went for a 2km run in SBAB, then followed by a game of basketball. haha. it was AWESOME. i miss running and exercising. i grew so fat, i burst the button on my no.4 trousers today.

okay, my muscles are aching from the long period of zero physical activities. but im glad they are aching. i need these aches! haha. i hope i get to exercise so much my muscle will ache once a week. i need to keep fit.

get another Gold for IPPT next year and 200 bucks KACHING $!!!! haha.
huat ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.




the SENSOs (navy personnels training to be helicopter crew with us) are really cool. they are funny too. hahaha! i enjoy having lessons and trainings with them. haha.

even my instructors are cool la.





air force is better than army.
for those of u who are in BMT, or post-BMT, or waiting for posting or anything.
pray u get into Air Force.
if u are in sispec, pray u get into my vocation. there is an intake this November.









hahahaha.


okay.
question: how do u tell someone u miss them without saying/sending a single word?
answer: hope and wait - patiently.




-dexter

i dont know why i still have to run away from you






flee from temptation i guess \:














no.








it's something else.















i dont know










goodnite.







i wish i can talk to you.



-dexter

hi.


weekends are special
and pretty weird too!


i love and hate weekends.



i love it cuz
i get to rest from all the ns stuff
i get to see all my bestest friends in church!
i get to experience God in svc
i get to see lives changed
i get to receive in svc
i get to serve in church
i get to just be in church.
i get to run around like a madman and be myself
i get to behave like a complete nutcase
i get to slowly fulfill my destiny and unfold my damaged dreams.

on the flipside,

i hate it cuz
i get reminded of those feelings
especially when my stupid eyes encounters you
oh that's the worst.
all those uncertainties
and all those 'enviousness'
and 'jealousy' - in some sense.
and all those unbearable feelings.
the same feeling that makes me keep quiet and ponder.
and runaway from wherever you are.
cuz i dont like feeling this way.



afterall, things have changed.
i dont know if i'll be able to rise above where i went before.
or if i am allowed to anymore.
all i can do is hope in God. nothing else.
everything else is in His hands already.
maybe you will move way higher, while i stay down here.
insecurity !!! tsk tsk tsk. evil evil evil thoughts.



but i cant deny it,
at this point of time,
the view ahead is foggy
and i really am too uncertain
of what road is there for me to walk.
or if there is any road at all.



many "what ifs" are in my head.
but i think i'll just keep them to myself.
i think if i were to tell these "what ifs" to anyone,
i might not be able to control myself from crying.


oh these "what ifs" are the 'insecure/uncertain' ones. not the visionary ones.
i have those visionary ones too! just that im not mentioning them in this post.



i dont know if you know what i mean,
i doubt if anyone has ever gotta go through this weekly struggle.
hmmm.
but i guess struggling is better than giving up!
yeah...
dont know when this will end.
probably when i'm ready.
when am i ready?
probably when i dont feel that there is a need to type my feelings vaguely on this blog.
haha, maybe it's not vague, i try to make it vague, but i dont know.



let's just hope my weekly struggle
will end well... i really want it to end well \:
i know it wont end soon.
i've got at least a few more long years to go.
maybe decades. I REALLY HOPE IT WONT GO TO EVEN A DECADE.









oh, svc was great tday (:
her excellency preached about humility.
i do need to be more humble on the inside.
oh and yong hong came for service !
he seemed like he enjoyed it (:
haha, im glad he did!
im glad i can share with him what keeps me going.
im glad i can share with him about what makes me happy.
CHURCH!

haha!

im gonna share my favouritest joy of all time to more ppl !!!







silently pondering aloud,
-dexter

hey!


just wanna wish dawn and rinnah and happy happy birthday !!! (:
















i've been down with flu, fever, and tonsil infection.
in fact, i just slpt at 7pm, and woke up at 12mn.
hmmm.
cant wait to recover and go exercise.
havent done anything physical in like a month.
growing fat again.






-dexter

time is suppose to heal wounds right?




obviously it's not true! haha...
silly.







absence makes the heart grow fonder.
that's suppose to be a good thing right ?

but when the fond heart is not tended to,
well, that 'fondness' turns sour.
painful, i'd say.




it used to be that when you see that person,
you kinda feel lost, awkward, guilty and sad.
but as time goes by,
even hearing that person's name,
will strike your heart so strongly.




what's the best part?
you can't do anything about it!






live with it,
you don't have a choice.



to myself,
-dexter.