scarred in the heart by my own actions
hurt the one you love so dearly
and now to only stand by the side silently

who is to blame besides me?
no one else can be responsible for those deeds
yet until now, it is i who tears myself apart

silent on the surface, despite a screaming agony
staring at the floor i yearn for clarity in my head
to have something to say when someone prompts me to

why is it that the pain still lingers after so long?
it's probably a reminder to myself, me
a broken and damaged pot, waiting to be moulded

you walk on smiling and laughing
i should be happy, but i dont know
why i cannot do the same when i see you

shouldn't i be glad that you're happy
or is it jealousy i feel, could it be uncertainty?
this scar bleeds, for some reason i am oblivious

on one hand i can imagine you telling me
i am cared for, and i am still important
that i just have to be patient with this

but most of the time i feel like you cant wait
to rid me off your life and throw me away
from your mind, like a tumor yearning to bleed

oh i desire not your attention
i desire not your compliments
all i want is to know

an answer i do not dare ask for
a question i am forbidden to say
at least not today, not for a long time i'll wait

i should be placed to the miry graves
coffin sealed shut and locked with the keys in it
but i am spared from this grave - so many times

yet despite all the anguish
or whatever this childish rant means
i am rooted down and held firm

i am alive not for my deeds
i have joy not for any other experience
i hang on tightly for no better reason

than the One who has ransomed my wrongs
bled for my crimes of action and of thoughts
despised, flogged and died for all of me

Jesus, whom i've hurt so deeply
in my eyes i should be ashamed for it
to have said i love Him and yet i grieved Him

still He chose to hold my hand
lift my chin and told me to look up high
into His eyes were glistening with tears yet so affirming

His hands were warm and i felt the wounds of the nails
so alive, so real and so soft they were
big, engulfing my hands in His

He shed tears i never wanted to see Him shed
those tears that He bore were for me
He was disappointed, i could feel it

i wanted to bury my head and apologize over and over
but He wouldn't let me, as He held me so firmly
as though He had anticipated my intended actions

He said, "Child, your wrongs were in My wounds
for which you feel on My hands. Yes, you've grieved My heart,
but never a moment did My heart for you faded a single bit.

All I ask of you, Son, is to hold on to these hands of Mine,
do not ever let them go, for these hands will walk you through
the tough times I see ahead for you to grow and learn.

Son, you will walk through chilly seasons and scorching weather,
you will be tempted to let go My hands, and try without them.
But so long as you hold on, I will definitely not let go."

everyday of my life
i strive to live for the one whose hands
embraces me and hold me closely

i wouldn't dare to let go
i wouldn't survive without Him
i cannot do without Jesus

Jesus, i love You
for without You, i would have perished
thank You, Jesus.






-dexter

hi,

just to update, i got into ACS (Air Crew Specialist) in the Air Force!

attended AOP (airmen orientation programme) in Air Force School, where Jackson is!
haha, Jackson and I had loads of fun in this one week. we ate together, went to his office, bought fries, chatted with his superiors and all that. haha. met for lunch in cookhouse and all. awesome week. slack.

oh, fact of the day: the RSAF has a more poised and less crude culture compared to SAF.
i dont know why. there's just less vulgarities, more 'elegance' or 'cultured' manner of relating to each other. then again, im not sure if im using the right words to describe it.

yeap.

basically, i'll become a specialist, 3sg, but with no men under me.
i am the men.
i am the specialist.
i am a helicopter crew.


no - i do not serve drinks in the helicopter or offer them lunch on board.
air crew specialist may sound like a job of a stewardess when you first hear it.


i am 8-5.
i stay out.
i get combat pay.
i go overseas.
i am happy about it.




probably the best vocation for NSFs... even better than clerk, or officer, or whatever.


God has been good and awesome to me !!!!!


He has really answered my prayers.
before enlisting, i really prayed for 8-5.
when i entered SISPEC, i knew my chances of getting a stay out vocation is like ZIT.
so i was like... "okay la God, if You really want me to stay in for these 2 years, i'll go with You."
but somehow, God made a way or me to get into the air force - and furthermore, a stay out vocation! yippeee.



now, i am the happiest NSF alive.



in an NS personnel perspective anway.












life has been awesome.
God has been just showing me how real He can be and how He has actually heard my prayers.



but why did He give me 8-5??
i'm still figuring out what He wants me to do with it, precisely.


in the meantime, REJOICE DOUBLY TRIPLY !





oh, ACS is basically rescue team on helicopter and assistants for helicopter missions (ie for commandos and guards, etc). the interesting things i get to do is hang from helicopter, suspended 10 to 15 storeys high. EXCITING.


the best thing? it will all end by 5.30pm. pack up, go off :D








okay, enough of army.



now that i got my stay out..
i really need to learn my driving.





and i still seriously miss someone. \:
doubt if it actually matters anyway.





oh yeah! yesterday (or rather, 2 nights ago), i skyped with YIXIN !! haha. she's a friend who led me closer to knowing God and attended church with me (in another church) when I was in sec 3 to sec 4. along with many other awesome people.

haha, she's still the same, nice, funny, sweet and just YIXIN. haha. awesome girl, she is!




okay. its late.


gdbye.



-dexter

hi,

i finished BSLC today.
yes, 28km was pretty tough.
but i did it.


just this week, i hit my personal best for IPPT and SOC.
im gna write these results down because i may never ever achieve these results again in my life.

IPPT - GOLD w/ 9.25min for 2.4km
SOC - 9.30min

seriously, i have never felt so much like puking after running these two tests.




i dont think i can re-create these results if i were to do it again.






oh, btw, i am posted out of SISPEC (infantry).
yeah.
im in the air force school (AFS) now.

remember how i was whining about wanting to get an 8-5 vocation in army?









God gave it to me!!!
or at least for this season.
my course in AFS is 8-5.


but i have NO IDEA what im gna do in the air force as a specialist... \:


im sure there is a reason why God placed me in an 8-5 (for now) vocation..




just gotta pray and ask now..











keep loving God,
loving people,
loving life !!





-dexter