10/25/20

 

Charlotte Duncan <bcduncan97@gmail.com>	9:28 AM (1 hour ago)
to Mom, Maddie, Briant, Kristen, Katie, Laurie, Nick, Brianna, Robert, The, Ron, Nathan, Taylor, my, Emily

I've been praying for Brian so much with all of these health issues/low energy, trying to know what my role is, and what I should do.  His UTI came back again this week (!!)--though he knew enough to catch it early, and wasn't much of a bump in the road. 

Some (or most) weeks, my emotions are just wobbly, and I just really struggle to know if I'm going the right direction when there are SO many good options, (and I feel like I can barely get the basics done).  Also, I have so many good ambitions and ideas for self-improvement, but then Seth cries or needs a diaper, or kids need rides or help with homework, & I know I'm worse if I start seeing everyone as interruptions, so I struggle daily with these half-baked efforts and attempts.  

We're looking at refinancing the house, and I love doing the research and finding the best quotes, but it took me 5 days before I could sit down for any chunk of time to even look at things, so I often wonder how to find any purpose in life beyond keeping children alive! (which I know is a good purpose!)

Anyway, in one of these moments of trying to balance, and trying to talk myself into self-mercy for not doing a more thorough job at something, I just felt the comforting message:

"God knows you, & He is directing your path."

It just helped me calm down and feel patient. AND THEN,

I had a second (kind of "therefore") impression that "God knows Brian and He is directing his path."

So I felt okay again just doing what I could do.--And I will steal from Mom's letter this week, because this message from Elder Uchtdorf is still so reassuring--not just that we're like seeds that sometimes need to be buried for growth to occur, but that...

"God has revealed and will continue to reveal His almighty hand. The day will come when we will look back and know that during this time of adversity, God was helping us to find better ways—His ways—to build His kingdom on a firm foundation...

As an Apostle of the Lord, I invite and bless you to “cheerfully do all things that lie in [your] power; and then may [you] stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.”¹¹ And I promise that the Lord will cause unimaginable things to come from your righteous labors. "

Also, great fun celebrating birthday this week! We celebrated at Pres Mtg (and rode home w/ my balloon bouquet), enjoyed chats w/ friends/family members, Brent & Breely came over for joint Birthday time with Breely--she even came to our neighborhood RS walk and Brian made some baclava for my birthday cake!!! Mom took me to lunch on Wed, and Brian & I went out to dinner last night, so I really stretched it out! We had Anne's last game of the season in the CHILLY cold!!--Mom was so sweet to join us for a final victory and very winning season! Anne's team has been a class act, and great chance for her to grow.  Spencer had fun at Girls Choice last night, even though the dance got cut short b/c of kids breaking social distancing rules.  Lucy had a Halloween party yesterday, and Anne's got one planned for Sat (pray for me!), so lots more fun and spooky celebrating this week!

Love to you all, Mom, Charlotte

10/18/2020

There were a lot of online shopping deals this week, and I wasted more time than I should've online,... which led to a lot of negative self-talk.  Tried to save some part of the day by cleaning out the garage after lunch, but that ended with my phone screen going permanently black!--just as I was needing to get showered and pick up all the girls to get to violin in time.  Seth was tired and crying, I was trying to collect addresses of phone repair shops & places to buy new phones(!) near violin before I left (since I wouldn't be able to use my phone), and I still needed to change out of my dirty garage clothes! That negative talk just stacked up as I rolled up to each school later than planned, knowing we'd be more than 15 minutes late to violin.  As we pulled up to their teacher's house, Jane needed to run in to use her bathroom, and I wanted to hide under the dashboard as they went in, rather than see what I was sure would have been a disappointed/frustrated look at our irresponsible tardiness (especially since this is far from the first time!).  

BUT, the minute she opened the door, 

this teacher just greeted the girls with love and a welcoming smile!!!

And that simple MERCIFUL moment when she rightly could've been frustrated or disgusted with me (like I was with myself) changed everything for me! My phone just needed a new screen, my time mismanagement went back into a normal-sized weakness, and I could see hope again.

Similarly, a few days later in a long, stressful return line at the store where my receipt wasn't working, and Seth was Shrieking and the girls were fighting over the stroller and ignoring me, and I was just plain tired, a lady/angel in line next to me asked if Seth was one like her grandson? Then, at every squeal and sound he made, she looked adoringly (!?) and would say, "Just like my grandson!--such a fun and busy age!" It didn't change my returns problems or keep the kids from trouble, but having her sweet response instead of disgust (like I felt!) was just refreshing relief.  It was such MERCY! (even if she did end by saying when I thanked her for her amazing attitude, "Oh, it's the perks of being a GRANDMA!"--one day, I'll be that kind too).

I had just been listening to Elder Renlund's Conference talk, where my favorite line is:

God delights in mercy and does not begrudge its use. 

I may be a tired mess, and be losing it in so many ways, but I ALSO delight in MERCY!!! & I really felt like others' mercy towards me was a bridge to Heaven.

I had a little cold last week, so did Thomas, Seth, Jane, & Emily, who even got tested for Covid! (negative!).  We did fit in the first Tremonton Pumpkin Walk, and have been loving the fall weather and leaves! This week, Brian had Monday off, so he worked on the garden and made BAKLAVA--SOOO dangerously delicious!! The kids had school Monday, but none for Fall Break Thurs and Fri, so we planned all kinds of fun (aka hikes) to keep us all busy (& from getting the house too messy)! 

We did a DI drop, dollar store treat, Trampoline Park groupons, & fun (only lost for a little bit) hike in Kaysville Thurs.  Friday, we played at a new park in Willard, picked up Mom & hiked to a cool Suspension Bridge in Draper, and though I felt dead and not much use to anyone, the girls wrote the sweetest Thank You card to me for having such a fun Fall Break, bless them!

Friday, Brian & Maddie invited us to join them in taking Thomas to the Aquarium, and after a racing fast trip through IKEA next door, we LOVED having time with them there! It was dreamy weather, and they had a great play area outside along with all of the amazing fish (plus costumes!--could there be a cuter baby octopus!?!), so even for such a long drive, it was a blast!

Fun week, and bonus song included that I've listened to almost 50 times to keep my heart happy. Love to you all!

Charlotte/Mom

 

10/4/2020

 Boy, was I ready for the solace and hope of General Conference this week! 

Last Sunday was full and amazing having everyone up to bless little Thomas James, but between my own hormones and recovering from Brian's sickness week, I was sad not to be more energetically present! There was a minute it was happiness and overwhelmedness all mixed together.  I was just so worn out, and with Brian always feeling worn out, and then being so close to my daughter caring for that newborn, which is one of the most exhausting things on earth, it was just almost too much! I wanted to be there for our parents and my own baby and children, and my husband, and help alleviate sweet Maddie in some way, and I was just so empty! Some days I wonder how much I'm messing up with all these lives I feel responsible for & how little I feel able to do. But Maddie & Brian don't seem stressed--even when sleep-deprived--and their little family is so overflowing with love, that it was a gift to share their great day together.  

In daily life, Anne's had a few more soccer games, (even after a teammate tested positive for Covid!),  Emily started a new job @ the Alumni house, Brent's looking for a new job, and Spencer has moved up to Supervisor on Saturdays!  We had zoom parent teacher conferences for Spencer, & I got to have lunch with 2 dear Syracuse friends: Ann Anderton & Becky Morrill on Tuesday, which was solace for my soul after those heavy days! Also had a good ministering visit with LaVonna this week, and enjoyed getting (mostly) ready for family to join us for Conference.  Jane is loving (me) reading all the fun first grade books like Junie B Jones & Magic Treehouse before bed (while Lucy gives me hope as she really does read--eating up Mysterious Benedict Society right now). I was also glad to have a couple of days at home this week to get wash, lawn, & budget done.  Seth surprises us every day with new tricks he's learned--this week, he climbed up onto the trampoline while I thought he was picking raspberries with me! I love watching him grow.  He's so little, and having him be independent seems miles away (after having everyone mostly in that stage before he got here!), but he also changes SO FAST, so it reminds me to be patient for him to grow up AND for me to grow (or anyone else I'm frustrated with).

I had listened to a number of good podcasts this week on race, and was feeling the heaviness from that sorrow as we went into Conference, so I was so grateful for the repeated messages of love and attention to that pain.  I also felt so much stronger listening to SO many reminders of the need and refining nature of adversity in our lives (though once it was over and everyone went home, I felt a bit weak and lonely again!).  I also ate up all the talk of being a Zion people after the ridiculous debate Tuesday, and the general flood of contention we seem to be bathing in.  There is beauty in dichotomy, I guess.  Just like the Beatitudes that Jesus taught of being BLESSED in mourning and persecution and hunger, etc--which seems the OPPOSITE of blessed--the contention in the world helps us yearn for peace; health feels twice as good after struggling through illness, & having days of depression and discouragement make light and peace all the more precious.  The difficult awful things do bring us to Christ, and I keep trying to believe like Elder Holland reminded, that they ARE for our good, but some days it's sure easier to accept than others! But this from Elder Uchtdorf:

"In a way, we are seeds.  And for seeds to reach their potential, they must be buried before they can sprout.  It is my witness that though at times we may feel buried by the trials of life or surrounded by emotional darkness, the love of God and the blessings of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ will bring something UNIMAGINABLE to spring forth."  

Have a great week looking out for those unimaginable joys! Love, Charlotte/Mom

9/20/2020

 We had our first Relief Society activity on Tuesday. I am the counselor over activities and besides that they had asked the three of us in the presidency to speak for 10 minutes (!!) so I was a mess for about five days leading up to it trying to prepare! On top of that Brian got really sick Monday night with a bad UTI(I never thought he’d share that pain of mine!), so I specifically prayed for grace on Tuesday.  I had prepared in all of my spare minutes (but they were not very many)!— I always feel more comfortable when I have lots of alone time to practice out loud what it is I need to say, but other than talking to myself while I mowed the lawn, & in the shower, I was not feeling very ready!

But!—Just being there with all of those sisters had me feeling so happy that I almost forgot to be nervous! Things went OK and I was grateful I managed through my awkwardness.  I felt like my prayer has been answered!

Then—-after seeing a doctor, Brian got worse!- and on Thursday night, we ended up in the ER because he was so miserable with pain.  Sure enough his infection had not been clearing up, so they switched medications and kept him overnight.

Once he was settled in, I came home about 1:30 AM then got up a few hours later to get the kids off to school.

Sleep has always been my Achilles’ heel. I can handle most things as long as I get a good night’s rest, & my hardest moments tend to be when I’m exhausted. 

When I got up on Friday I was tired but I also had this feeling of calm.  I got the kids to school, picked up Brian from the hospital, kept the house in basic order, played outside with Seth, walked with a friend, helped the girls with a bookmark contest, and even bottled peaches!— All while feeling this peaceful gratitude— I really felt like an alien had possessed my body (but a really good one—haha). I also kept thinking “Is this what my brothers feel all the time and that’s why their wives are amazed at their calm collectedness??”-HOW did I miss this gene?!!]

Though Brian had a good night at the hospital & felt ok coming home Friday, by night time his pain was almost unbearable and he could barely get any sleep, so we ended up back in the ER Saturday afternoon!! The infection was doing better this time, but they tried yet another round of medication and added some things for his Crohn’s and pain which have seemed to do the trick as he slept great last night and even came to church with us today.

The Bible dictionary says about grace that “It is ...through the grace of the Lord that individuals...receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means.”

I’m telling you that between the many interruptions in the nights while he was home plus the late night at the ER (not to mention stress!!)I would normally barely be able to function!!

I definitely got a bonus measure of grace!!

Though I was praying for it for one night where I thought I needed it—little did I know how much more important it would be in a few days!! It was a small miracle that I was able to hold together at all this whole week!

Don’t worry though—today,

as Brian was feeling so much stronger & we could have a relaxing Sabbath, I of course ended up with a stye growing in one eye & collapsing tonight in a crying heap on the floor by the dishwasher when Seth came over to me covered in diaper cream.  So, no magic alien—life is still real, (& almost tempts me to discount the miracles), but it’s a comfort to know God’s Grace is there for the times I need it most , & I’m not just left to my own means—the ones I know are coming up, AND the unexpected ones.

Other highlights: having 2 neighbors over for a birthday lunch, getting to visit w/ Mom & old friend Ann Anderton at Anne’s soccer game in Kaysville, Dr brothers to turn to for advice, great ministering visits, a priesthood blessing for Brian from our ministering brother, sweet near-strangers taking Anne to another soccer game Saturday while we were in the hospital, Seth being super cute (except when he’s not!), visits & FaceTime from college kids, & of course, droolable shots of chubby Granddarling!

Life has crazy moments, but some really, really good ones too (like the fresh peach pie in our fridge).  Thanks for all the prayers & support this week!! Love, Mom, (Charlotte)