In memory of my grandpa
Monday, 29 October 2012
♥ 15:16
My mum informed me that my grandpa passed away yst at 7pm. I couldn't went back to slp after getting this news at 5.30am. So many thoughts were running through my head. My last memories with him, how I was thinking of his lack of presence at my grandma's bday on the past Sunday, the what if's. Nicole showed me a post entitled memory of Dr Richard, this rich n young doctor and his views on God and life. That post did not affect me and bring me closer to God. I felt aloof and cold. But my grandpa's death brought me to pick my the bible again after months of not picking it up nor praying.
I remember vaguely my last prayer to God. I asked him to give me more time with my grandpa. That time was when I heard that my grandpa was hospitalised. My mum urged all of us to go to the hospital to visit him. I went and i remember the fond memory of holding onto his hands and stroking them until he fell aslp. I remembered he was eating biscuits and milo but did not finish. He asked if we wanted to eat the biscuits. He was still so thoughtful. I remembered helping him to adjust his bed position, hoping that he was comfortable. I remembered he forgot who i was until my mum told him. I remembered chilling my mum off as she wanted to leave early. I remembered my mum promise to him that he could come home soon. I remembered thinking to myself that I would come back and visit him.
And then when i went back, I continued with my own life. I did not go back and visit him with the time i had, I procastinated selfishly, thinking that there's always another day. But that's how short life is. It doesnt allow us to control it. I thought of how I will bring my bf to show my grandparents in future. How it will make them smile. All my stupid thoughts that did not materialise. I thot of how my bro and sis are also busy with their lives that they did not and could not have any last memories with him. I did not want to compare. I am guilty of that.
Selfish act of putting myself first instead of relationships. I know how my grandparents love me. I know how my relatives and parents love me. I know how much certain people in my life love me, but when do we start transcending this head knowledge into action. How ironic that yst me and nicole were just talking about this. God made me realise through this incident that we have , I have, wasted too much time doing wasteful things in my life. It is only through losing people around me that I am close to that I felt pain. I felt the loss.
I missed my grandpa on Sunday during my grandma's bday. His usual seat was empty. I missed his presence. I regret not visiting him one last time before. I knew his health was not good. So many reasons I had given for not going. Lazy, bz, tired blah blah, I realise that in life it is always easy to give excuses. All too easy. But when we really start taking action can we realise that the love that has been given and showered upon us, that wasnt easy. So why is ignoring this love that others have given us easy. why is it easier to love ourselves than people around us. Building and maintaining relationships are not easy.
I cried. I thought of how God must have felt when all the while he was showering me wth love and care, but I chose to ignore it. How i put aside and turned a blind eye to this love. It was as if I was crying for a lost love., which ironicially wasnt really lost.
I turned to the bible. I asked God to read to me his word. The pages flip to Psalm 103:14.
For he knows how we are formed., he remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field;
the wind blows over it and it is gone., and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting, the Lord's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-
with those who kept his covenant and remembers to obey his precepts.
This verse comforts me. It reminds me to love God and to spend more time with my grandparents and those people who matters. No more procastination.
omen
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
♥ 18:45
Dear God,
Why do i have this sinking and uneasy feeling since yst? Why do i feel so empty and upset. It's like I am suddenly depressed and i hate the feeling of being depressed. I feel so unloved and misunderstood, it's like i cant even share what i feel with anyone. please God, make this feeling go away. I feel that though i look strong, I'm crumbling inside. There's like no purpose anymore. I so yearned to be loved and accepted. I want to be happy but why cant i feel like that. There's no motivation for me to do anything and i dont know myself anymore.
God, please fill me with your joy and love and take this awful feeling away..
is this the post holiday blues? :(
sigh
Thursday, 10 November 2011
♥ 08:11
i've lost count of the number of times i have cried for you.
愛的可能
♥ 07:55
Everything that I want to say.
This is the story of us.
