I'm sure there will be those who want to know what happened between us and here is my side of the story.
You know how you know something is bad or wrong and you just don't want to deal with it, but then one day it all explodes in your face? Yeah, that happened recently and the aftermath of that incident has shown me a lot about myself and those around me.
The backstory
I had a close friend whose husband is an avid hunter and fisherman who CHOOSES to hunt/fish in Schell City, Missouri. Early on in our budding friendship, she mentioned one time that she had to go pick her husband up from a hunting trip in Schell City and that it was no place I could ever go there because it was a very racist town. :: duly noted ::
This is the fork in the road all those many years ago that I probably should have walked away or limited my interaction with her and her husband, but the truth of the matter is that there's racism and racists everywhere and I really didn't see them as such so I brushed this fact and other racist aspects (in-laws and relatives) of their life aside. I turned a blind eye because I didn't want to deal with the reality of the situation and the impact to our friendship.
Short detour
I never really knew how racist Schell City is until today. That's when I decided to pull back the covers and found that it is listed on the Southern Poverty Law Center's Hate Map and the by Anti Defamation League. In fact, Schell City seems to be at the epicenter of a lot of hate related activity. I'm sure if you keep digging you'll find more and more damning material about that place.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago.
One of our mutual knit night friend who is Jewish showed up and said in a joking manner something along the lines of, "Yeah, you know "She"
How could anyone that I looked up to and thought so highly of do such a thing? How could anyone joke like that?
The issue of race came up again later that night, when she passed around photos of her nieces and revealed that one of them had just recently told her father about a boyfriend that she had being seeing on the sly. I said, "Well, at least, he's not Black" because during a previous knit night she told the story of one of her in-laws who dated a Black man much to the chagrin on her father who, by her accounts, is an unabashed racist. That sent her down a rabbit hole of redress about her in-laws and which one was and wasn't racist. Making excuses for some of them because they had worked with or maybe found a Black person attractive. For the record, just because someone thinks a Black person is hot, doesn't mean they can't be racist and call them a nigg3r as soon as something is said or done that they don't like. Just look at what happened with Terrence Howard. Been there, had it happen to me too many times lately. Got the t-shirt. Sadly, it happens more than you think. To which, I replied, "Either you are or you aren't racist" There's no splitting hairs about it. <- remember this one. I'm coming back to it later.
There was tension in the air. I knew nothing would be the same again after that night. Not ever.
A couple days later, I saw a post go by on her Facebook wall that really made me angry. It was about the "Wild and Wonderful White of West Virginia". You see, I had watched an interview where one of the White family is wearing a trucker hat with the Stars & Bars flag and the word REBEL stenciled over the flag talking about how the White family are the true rebels of the South. Now, I'm Southern and I know any good ole boy that wears the Stars & Bars is probably NOT a friend to Blacks or anyone else that's not White. Anywho, to make a long story short, I was lurking and watching people comment on the post and somehow the chatter turned to jokes about linens, sheets, domestics, white.. and this is where I really got angry because that's only a hop, skip and a jump from joking about white sheets aka the KKK and that's where I lost it.
I had never been faced with someone so close to me making decisions that would impact even my ability to be seen with or visit them ANYWHERE. I had never known anyone who willingly, knowingly and purposefully would go to, participate at or even purchase property somewhere like Schell City AND/OR think it was ok to joke with me about it. This revelation was earth shattering and I cried many days and nights about it. I was heart broken.
The bottom line is this. If you truly are not racist, then don't buy land in a city that has been identified as White Supremist, don't choose to hunt there, don't go there, don't spend money there, don't legitimize it, don't make excuses for it! No one is holding a gun to either of their heads to go to Schell City, so why go? Why buy into it? It doesn't make sense to me. The other heart breaking aspect to everything that happened is that she joked about leaving me in a time of need. That is something that is never joked about in my family or in my culture because you never leave anyone behind. That's something you NEVER joke about. I would never ever think to joke like that especially knowing that I have no blood ties here in Kansas City, I'm at least 8 hours away by car from my nearest relatives, and no one to look after me if things were to go to hell in a handbasket. It would be me and Miss Kitty Phat Phat against the world...as usual.
I tried to reach out to a mutual friend of ours to get their take on the situation, to see if I was over-reacting, but she refused to get involved claiming she didn't want to take sides. All I wanted was a sounding board, not for anyone to take sides.
A couple days after the Facebook incident, I spoke with her on the phone (very calmly, I might add) and explained how I felt about everything that had transpired. I tried to explain why I was hurt and upset, but she wasn't really trying to hear anything I had to say. Instead, she was defensive and indicated that I was being hyper-sensitive about the Facebook post, adding that if she said that out loud to anyone else she'd be a bad White person. That's when I realized that no matter what I said, she was not going to listen. Maybe she just couldn't understand. Maybe she wouldn't allow herself to understand. I remember her saying at one point that she had married into it and what could she do? I told her that she didn't have to change or do anything. That I was the one who had to change. That we could never be good close friends because there are barriers in her life that fundamentally prevent that. Barriers she has chosen to accept.
I remember her telling us once at knit night about her father and how he was the first White man at his college to have a Black roommate. Her father is deceased, but I thought to myself. What would he think about what she has chosen to do? Back then, he could have said NO! I don't want him in my room, but he didn't. He recognized that the color of a man's skin is no reason to hate him or be separate. He didn't split hairs about it. He just did the right thing.
After our conversation on the phone, I lost all respect for her and, by proxy, her husband and, to be honest, many of our mutual friends. I couldn't even look her in the eye the other day when I returned something I borrowed from her. We haven't spoken since that one phone call. Neither of us has anything to say. It's over.
I'm ashamed that I didn't stand up for what was right sooner, but rest assured I'm never going to back down and I'm never going to let this type of thing happen again. I'm going to continue to call it as I see it.
So now, I am faced with the whole social media un-friending ordeal and removing myself from our knitting group and living with the consequences of the stand I have chosen. I know I am going to lose a lot of friends in the process, but I will hold my head up high and know that I did what I thought was right.
Those who would call me friend should never allow or tolerate any kind of racism or hatred in their lives because if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
