I am reminded..

I have forgotten ..and am reminded of simple things like:

1) always think positive
2) sports is good for you
3) be kind

such simple yet powerful things to do. They can change one's life. I have almost forgotten about them. I have almost forgotten the values that my parents pass to me since young: dun waste food, dun waste money, respect elders, be humble, study hard..

i have nearly forgotten..

Schizotypal

I believe i have the following personality disorder

Definition

Schizotypal personality disorder is a psychiatric condition characterized by a pattern of deficiency in interpersonal relationships and disturbances in thought patterns, appearance, and behavior.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

The cause is unknown, but schizotypal personality disorder is believed to have a genetic component. There is an increased incidence in relatives of schizophrenics.

Schizotypal personality disorder should not be confused with schizophrenia. People with schizotypal personality disorder tend to have odd beliefs and behaviors, but they are not profoundly disconnected from reality and usually do not hallucinate. (Hallucinations, delusions, and complete unawareness of reality are hallmarks of untreated or unsuccessfully treated schizophrenia).

Symptoms

People with schizotypal personality disorder may be severely disturbed, and their odd behavior may resemble that of people with schizophrenia. They may have unusual preoccupations and fears, such as fears of being monitored by government agencies, which are also common in schizophrenia.

More commonly, however, people with schizotypal personality disorder simply behave oddly and have unusual beliefs (aliens, witchcraft, etc.) that they cling to so strongly that it isolates them from normal relationships. Full-blown hallucinations are unusual.

Signs and tests

Some of the common signs of schizotypal personality disorder include the following:

• Discomfort in social situations (true)
  
• Odd beliefs, fantasies, or preoccupations (true)
  
• Odd behavior or appearance (true)
  
• Odd speech (true)
  
• No close friends (true)
  
• Inappropriate displays of feelings (not sure)
  

accurate tests :)

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||| 54% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||| 78% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||| 78% Antisocial |||||||||||||||||| 78% Borderline |||||||||| 38% Histrionic |||||||||| 38% Narcissistic |||||||||||| 50% Avoidant |||||||||||| 46% Dependent |||||||||| 34% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||| 34%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Big Five Test Results

Extroversion (41%) moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and private. Friendliness (46%) medium which suggests you are moderately kind natured, trusting, and helpful while still maintaining your own interests. Orderliness (46%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, structured, and self controlled while still remaining flexible, varied, and fun. Emotional Stability (38%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Openmindedness (74%) high which suggests you are very intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.

Take Free Big Five Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Band election is smooth. My batch of exco is simply too efficient and capable. Wahahaha!

Mr.Chan the VP said today: " leadership is not about consistency, but is about attitude...leadership is about actions, not promises."

I can't agree more. Leaders make things happen. Leaders are ones who hold principles and beliefs.


An inspiring quote from Coach Carter, which is a good movie:

“Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brillant, talented, fabulous?”
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in ALL of us.
As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

–Marianne Williamson from A Return to Love (made famous by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 Inaugural Address) / Cruz in the movie “Coach Carter”

The Plan

I shall term it "The Plan"

for many months i have been living in a life that i do not know the purpose. For months i wake up everyday not knowing what to do with my life. For months i do not even have the inspiration and energy to wake up and face this purposeless, routine world. I wanted a direction: from Inner or from Outer. I was awaiting salvation from the One. I do not think i can escape this world but at least i want to live with direction. Even if it is a fabricated cause.

Now, the time has come. No more discomfort about the past. No more unrest about present. No more worries about the future. My life will be set into a direction, in accordance to The Plan. I owed the coming of The Plan to 2 persons. I thank you 2 alot lot.

I have decided to live out the real me. more 感性 than 理性. 并寻求真善美. Make reality my dream. Make my dream a reality.

With The Plan, i live with passion in my soul, the purpose in my mind, and peace at my heart.




But



What if The Plan fails? I dun give a damn now. Now i have total faith in it and my faith will not falter, until the moment The Plan succeeds or fails. After that then i would have The Plan II :D

this is unbelivably true

Your Birthdate: June 22

While sometimes employing unorthodox approaches, you are capable of handling large scale undertakings. You assume great responsibility and work long and hard toward completion. Often, especially in the early part of life, there is rigidity or stubbornness, and a tendency to repress feelings. Idealistic, you work for the greater good with a good deal of inner strength and charisma. An extremely capable organizer, but likely to paint with broad strokes rather than detail. You are very aware and intuitive. You are subject to a good deal of nervous tension.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Your SAT Score of 1510 Means:

You Scored Higher Than Howard Stern You Scored Higher Than George W. Bush You Scored Higher Than Al Gore You Scored Higher Than David Duchovny You Scored Higher Than Natalie Portman You Scored Lower Than Bill Gates

Your IQ is most likely in the 140-150 range

Equivalent ACT score: 34

Schools that Fit Your SAT Score: California Institute of Technology Stanford University Princeton University Yale University Harvard University

What Does Your SAT Score Mean?

meaning of life

From a mail. Meaningful.

"Hello. Good day.

The meaning of LIFE differs from people to people. It could be even more pronounced when one compares a person with religious beliefs versus one who is a "free thinker", so say.

If I were to tell people that my ultimate aim is to "escape the wheel of birth and death", oh boy, I am sure to get an astonished look.

What exactly is LIFE?

I don't have a "standard" or "quick-and-dirty" answer for this. I guess, it really differs from one to another. At the end of the day (I mean, "death bed"), all material successes that we once had, will be buried in due course. How recall you as being the Chairman? So what if you were previously. The world moves fast. You were a "had-been". Conversely, if you had managed to touch the lives of others... that very precious gift would remain... the act of kindness and thought of benefitting people stays on forever. Didn't we have Mother Theresa? Her "spirit" lives on...

So, have you decided to be Gone With The Wind (when you are dead) or to remain as a hardened sculpture of kindness and benevolence...? As they say, "The Choice is All Yours".

Have a nice day... Amitabha...
Regards,JMeng"

a week after syf

tmr is one week after syf crush. I am glad and proud of myself and the band that we have already lifted ourselves from this unfortunate chapter. I think i grows stronger and firmer after this episode. And this experience i would not be able to acquire had we gotten a gold with honor instead. Somehow i like this ending. Tragedy is always the central theme of arts. Eg the story of Romeo and Juliet would not give us such an intensity of emotions if they end up happily ever after. Tragedy is very much about life. It is through tragedy that we learn more about ourselves and human values and natures. Without the devastating tragedy, there would not be the depth of passion in joy. And thru this tragedy i am thankful that i have a group of friends who share the same passion and sentiment as me. And also, thank you especially for being there for me and guide me along during this period of gloom. You are my most special friend indeed! and woo! i cut my hair finally. Hope i will be imbued with fresh and bountiful of energy!

a day after syf

yesterday morning when i woke up, my body felt an immense weight pulling me down, pinning mme to the bed, as if the gravitational field had suddenly become stronger. I know it. My body was unwilling face the reality, and it was a bit toiled. But deep in my mind and my heart that i know today is one day that i can never pon. I gotta be there for the band, gotta be there for the friends.
And i made it in time. When after junyang and elaine had made, we cheered for them amid the encouraging appluase from the school. During the time of the announcement, a few people started to break down already. Later after the morning assembly, we went back to the bandroom. We saw jy and elaine at the stair there. Elaine crying, jy eyes red. FInally they broke down. And it was such a pain to see them cry. This made me cry also. and no sooner the band all cried. It was a time that we are weak and sad, and we hugged each other to give and get support. Initially i was just tearing, but when i saw jy cried, and when shien hugged me, i can't suppress anymore. I let it all out. The feeling of unjust and unworth. a lot of us pon maths lect, until pang came and told us to o for lesson at 2nd period. it was nice of him. But you can really feel the band spirit there, and our pain for the loss.
then we (J1 and J2) went audi and sat at the back. I think the teacher was a bit shocked also. then some of us pon lessons afterwards, and juz loiter ard the classbench areas. Then some crazy us sang the full length of the syf pieces at cls bench. then after school after the whole band crowded the band room, and played each other's instrument. What a sight. It took super long to get them out to orchard. it was a mega outing. more than 50 pple i think.

i dun wish to cry in front of the class coz i know they wun understand wat i m so sad abt. Only band members would know. And not ordinary band members. Only HCSB band members would understand. This is because we love the band and we love our music so much. We play with such passion and conviction that we can totally relate to the music. The sorrow of the loss of Natalie, Barnes' daughter, and the rapture of the birth of the son. Alwyn's interpretation of "Thank you God, for my son..." we really believe in our music. the music is like our baby, that we all nurture and love for. and we thought we play well on the stage. and when we knew of our result, the feeling is parallel to having a stillbirth. It reflect the sorrow of the loss of Natalie. really, our baby that we all love for, is born dead. That is the feeling we get. Well, some people (non-band pple of cuz) said that it is juz a syf, take it as a learning point, and be strong and move on. How cliched. How can we juz get over the fact that we had a stillbirth? some people said that the process mattered more, result not impt. True, the process of pregnancy is truly memorable, but the feeling of stillbirth cannot be suppressed. And i am truly happy that the band is made of a lot of emotional people. we all cried our hearts out. it is such a pain for a group of 17/18 yr old teenager, young musicians, who see their music as their life, to experience such setback. It will become a scar. A scar that brings out the bitter and the sweet memories. and even mr.leng cried at home abt it. he also said he really didnt expect it.

but still, i cherish every memory that i have with this band. the musicianship that is forged among us. the love for music that is cultivated in us. they weigh heavier than the silver indeed.
Like what charmaine said, we have already given our 100%, the rest is factors that are beyond our control. True. for our music, our passion, our dedication, Hwa Chong Symphonic band may not be a gold band, but we are definitely an honour band :) i have no regret in choosing HCSB over RJ band. the band spirit is one of a kind, and cannot be matched by many other ccas and other bands.

proudly presenting to you, HCBS:




P.S. thank you, joseph, for what you juz said to me. you are really a wise and respected senior of mine.

syf

HCJC symphonic band is awarded the silver award in the 2005 syf central band judging.
This comes a day after Liverpool ousted Chelsea out of the Champions League.
This 2 seemingly (or obviously, perhaps) unrelated events bring testimony to the fact that: nothing is impossible. Any outcome is possible.


i would not feel much pain for the latter upset coz i aint truly an admirer of Chelsea. but the feeling that i have over the syf is beyond words...


from disbelief and disillusion
to the looming of the stark realisation
to excruciating pain
to feeling of unjust and unworthiness
to unsuppressible tear and anguish
to quiet and forced acceptance
to our collective effort of consoling of our torn heart
to the vain escapism
to gloom and melancholy
to passive optimism
.
.
.

when the results were being announced, we hugged together shoulder by shoulder and formed a circle and gained strength from each other. we are the only school that did that, and i am extremely proud of this school which displayed such strong HwaChong spirit. i have never felt closer to the band before. It was as if waiting for the Destiny together, helpless and apprehended. When we heard our result, we continued holding on to our support chain...because it was our only harbour of strength that time. Many broke down, but our spirit holded on. Some grieved for it, and some still couldnt believe what happened. It was only after 30 seconds or so then i started to shed my unsuppressible tears even though how hard i tried in vain to trying to shut my lacrymosal glands. I let it flow. Then took out my handkerchief to gently wipe the tears of sorrow after finding that it was too profuse. the comforting hug and pat on the shoulder are really my source of strength. later when the announcement of result is over, i stopped crying, and put on a strong facet to the band, coz junyang and elaine werenot there, i have to lead the band until they come back. I tried to suppress and hold on until they 2 came. But after that i didnt really cry anymore.

Some people didnt cry. But many cried.
To me, crying is justified and the most natural thing for me to do that time. I cried because i am a person of passion. A strong person is not a person who do not cry. A strong person is one who cries, and carries on with life. I see no point in pretending that it is okay to get silver and that it is not the end of the world (though it is true for literal sense). Because to us all, this syf has been one that we have been putting in our heart and soul in it, and one that we played with conviction and belief. We all believed that we have done very well and should deserve more than silver. It is this feeling of unjust and that our efforts and worths have not been reflected and shown which caused our crying.

I never thought that this would happen again. Because it happened 4 years ago when i am sec 2. That time i thought that God added adversity to my life to make me grow strong. I thought one experience is enough. But it seems that Fate is playing a game on me (or us) again. Silver has never appeared in my mind for once. And especially so when we witness and feel our exponential improvement in our playing, from a totally technically-challenged and emotionally void playing to a near-perfect technicality and passionate conviction playing. We truly FELT it. and this is further confirmed when this morning mr.leng said that we are his best syf batch. Our confidence and belief is soaring high. Nothing seems to be getting in our way, esp hearing AC funny playing. Besides, when we are playing in the tuning room, we are totally blown away by the beauty of our playing. It could be the best we have played hitherto. And the performance on stage we thought is good, juz like an ordinary rehearsal. But the outcome isn't right.

The greater the expectation, the more painful the fall

this fall is one that will etch a permanent marking on my ass. it is searingly painful.

I feel sad.
for HCSB is a great band. It has wonderful and funky and fun people all around. I see a lot and learn a lot from the band. It instils in me values that are invaluable. I see many different personalities and it is totally different from my class. I get to understand more people from different walks of life here.
for Mr.Darence Leng is a great conductor. And a great person and mentor as well.
I am very fortunate to have joined this band, as i grow a lot in musical and in personal term. I feel especially privileged and thankful for being given the opportunity to play trombone concerto and practise under guidance of a great tutor Songyos. I feel i have better mastery and confidence in my playing now. I am happy that mr.leng always praise me and even once said that i m good enough for philwind even though i cant join philwind as it has too many good trombonists. I have never believed in my ability so deeply and convictedly. I think i am over-rated in HCSB. People flushed me with accolades, and though i am v honoured, i would want to be humble. As a person i learn alot from being treasurer, the most memorable being being the ticket ic for capriccio XX...i grow to understand my working style more. I also learnt more abt leadership from junyang and elaine.

-to be continued-

James Barnes 3rd Symphony 4th Movement

Finale - Rebirth

Oh! Young Natalie,
Your departure had grievened us so.
Thus sparked the musician's journey,
From Lento to Scherzo.
But, little doth the musician know,
What the cherubim might bestow.
Graceful darts and arrows,
Resounding fanfare from above,
Subdue the grey curtains that
Entrap us in darkness and clouding us so.
Alas!
Awakening the people,
From their sorrowful slumber.
Aspree!
A joyous chorale sung,
upon recieving the hosting angel's gift,
of precious Bill as a son.
In tragic the renewal of hope,
In grievance the echoes of celebration.
Finale.

天龙八步实在是经典之作.做人就要做到像萧峰.重情重义,豪迈潇洒,男子汉大丈夫,拿得起放得下



这不禁让我想起:
男子汉,就一定要有抱负吗?
人死了后,一切虚名成就还有什么用吗?

万般带不走,临别雪恨
还是毫无牵挂地离开呢?



Is "留取丹心照汗青" a perpetuating lie?
is it juz like "when there's a will, there's a way"...a blatant deception

why are we brought up and living in a world that is full of lies, hypocracies, deceptions, false beliefs? God, can you enlighten me?

is it because that reality is too bitter for us to take it in literal sense...so living in self-delusion is a way of life (and perhaps the only way of life)? evolution? survival?

is it better to take life serious, plan well and succeed well, since we can only live once (perhaps)?
or should we take a nonchalant attitude, since our life doesnt really matter since we only live once? so why not just be care-free and live at the moment and be happy?