The Year's On It's Way Out...

It's the end of the year and that always tends to allow for a little reflection back on one's comings and goings. In doing so, I'm almost embarrassed of this past year. I told myself at the end of 2009, this year was going to be amazing and the best year ever.... Uh.... yeah.... so that really didn't happen. It wasn't the greatest year, but it wasn't the worst. I suppose that I should feel greatful for that at least. Let's pay more attention to the silver lining there, shall we?

To recap, let's look at what I resolved myself to do/accomplish this past year and see where I stand....

~Temple once a month: Yup, most months. I can say that I think I missed one, maybe two.
~Date night each week for/by myself: Nope, that one puttered out by the end of January.
~Blog once a month: LOL! Yea, that SO didn't happen! :)
~Scheduled writing nights: Nope, that one I need to do better about. I haven't written in months!
~$1500 in savings: Nope, but when do monetary goals work out exactly the way you want them to anyway?
~Finish Book of Mormon & D&C: Yep! I even finished early!
~Spare room unpacked and organized: Haha... funny story... I actually ended up doing it, then packing it all up and moving again. Geez! When am I ever going to stay in the same place for longer than a year?! I haven't stayed anywhere that long since I was 15.
~Scrapbooking caught up: Nope. I finished Birth thru 8th grade though and got most of 9th thru high school graduation done.
~Home 3 nights a week: Nope, that certainly didn't happen. But, that's one that will happen this year.
~Read one new book a month: Yep, this one worked out. Let's make a list (I LOVE lists!):

*Northanger Abby (by Jane Austen)
*As Always, Dave (by Jack Weyland)
*Total Money Makeover (by Dave Ramsey)
*Summer of My German Soldier (by Bette Greene)
*Year on Ladybug Farm (by Donna Ball)
*Suite Scarlett (by Maureen Johnson)
*Courting Miss Lancaster (by Sarah Eden)
*The Last Lecture (by Randy Pausch)
*The Secret Journal of Brett Colton (by Kay Lynn Mangum)
*Little Women (by Louisa May Alcott)
*Eat, Pray, Love (by Elizabeth Gilbert)
*City of Bones (by Cassandra Claire)
*City of Ashes (by Cassandra Claire)
*City of Glass (by Cassandra Claire)
*The Remarkable Soul of a Woman (by Deiter Uchtdorf)

Who won this battle of wills? Hmm, let's tally: New Year's Resolutions: 6 Heather: 4

Guess I lost the war. But, I was able to conquer 4 different things! Go me!

This next year, I have whittled myself down to 10 resolutions. I realize that I was only able to accomplish 4 of my previous 10, so how do I really think I can still pull it off, right? Well, I'm gonna give it one heck of a try.

~Lose 50 pounds
~Work out 4-5 times a week (Zumba baby! Oh yeah!)
~Try something new/something I haven't done in a really long time once a month (and then try to remember to blog about it. LOL)
~Once a month dinner with 2 important people
~Once a month to the temple
~Bear testimony at least 3 times
~Flowers on someone's grave twice a year (And only limit myself to that. I went way too much this year and it was always just as painful as the last time)
~Read the entire Old Testament
~Stop hanging out and going out so much with people who don't deserve my attention or time
~Be home at least 2 nights a week and follow my schedule better

I have one other, but that was in currently up in the air right now. We shall see.

I am really excited about this upcoming year. I plan to have so much fun and yet, learn how to say No when I just don't have time for partying. It's going to be the year of learning about balance. And I'm looking forward to it.

I am especially excited about doing something new and different each month. This upcoming month, I am planning on either snow shoeing or riding a snow machine. We will see which one pans out. Wish me luck, and Happy New Year to everyone!

Fear

I have read in the dictionary that fear is "a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined..." The word originated before the 12th Century from the Middle English word feren, which comes from the Old English word faer meaning "calamity or danger". Calamity means "a great misfortune or disaster; grievous affliction, adversity or misery".

And urbandictionary.com says that fear is "what usually keeps us from doing really, really stupid things (like jumping into a pool of piranhas for example)". :)

But Frank Herbert said: "Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration."

And the Bible dictionary says that fear is something unworthy of a child of God. Something that "perfect love casteth out" (1st John 4:18). Something that destroys the feeling of confidence in a loving Heavenly Father.

So, my conclusions to be gleaned from these different resources is that fear is the emotion which comes from an imagined or actual disaster or affliction. However, fear can debilitate a person and is the opposite of faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

I'm afraid. I have fear. I wish I didn't, but I do. Sheer terror comes in my life in the form of relationships. I am afraid of getting into a relationship. Men are leavers. And when they leave, all that is left is a whole lot of pain, adversity and anguish. Rarely in life do we find men that are stayers. And those who are stayers, are already staid. Some leavers come into my life pretending to be stayers. They stay long enough to hurt and they leave.

I am continually saying that men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

But, I am sure that there are some good men out there, they just aren't going to be a stayer for me. Why then do I constantly believe that I should look for a spouse? What is the point? He won't stay. Even if he stays for a while, he will only leave later. Eventually, they all leave.

Does feeling like this make me a cynic? Perhaps. Or, perhaps it makes me a realist who is experiencing fear and terror at the idea of being in a trusting relationship again.

In a recent bout of fear over a potential relationship (let's call this man Wyatt), I discovered that not only am I a cynic and a realist, but I am also profoundly and catastrophically screwed up. When my best friend helped me in coming to this conclusion, she also reminded me that if I could find a way to overcome my fear long enough to give Wyatt a real chance, I might end up finding the happiness I've longed and dreamed for.

My best friend was quick to remind me that "Adam fell that man might be, and men are, that they might have joy" (2nd Nephi 2:25) We have to know pain in order to know pleasure, sadness in order to know joy. There is opposition in all things. So, the pain and fear I feel now will only lead to me feeling the intense joy later. If I can overcome the fear enough to allow that, that is.

Since that discussion, Wyatt has disappeared out of the queue and a different potential has come to light. But, the fear is building. So much so that the fight or flight response is coming into play. I am not much of a fighter these days, so my first instinct is to run. Run like my very existence depends on it.

People tell me all the time how strong I am, how brave I am. They don't know the incapacitating fear that overwhelms me where relationships are concerned. It's there, it's real and I am trying to overcome it.

I know this will be an uphill battle. Something I will struggle with even after I find someone who will be patient and persistent long enough to get me past the fight or flight response. I'm sure it will be something I will deal with throughout my lifetime. My trust isn't easy to gain, but it's easy to break. And once it's gone, it's almost impossible to get back. There is only one person I can think of who has ever done that. He's virtually Superman. :) But, don't get your hopes up. He's a stayer for another lady who loves, deserves and puts up with him.

What I don't know is how to overcome this fear. I know I need to, but trying to do so has been a bit of an enigma to me. So, I'm sending out this question into the void of Blogosphere Space....

What do I do? What does a person who has been so hurt for so long do in order to overcome the fear that comes from the calamity that is a relationship?

Fear is what is keeping me from jumping into a relationship because instead of thinking of a relationship as a loving, caring, trusting situation, I look at it as a pool full of piranhas....

Halfway Through the Year....

June is halfway over and so is 2010. Can you believe it? Where has this year gone?! I can't believe that we are halfway to 2011. And thinking back, has it been the awesome year that I declared it would be? Let's see...

When it comes to my New Year's Resolutions, well I know that I can do better. I dropped a few at the beginning of the year that I knew wouldn't happen and I've stayed fairly on track with most of the others. But, that doesn't mean I couldn't do better. I could be doing those things for the right reasons and not simply because "I made a resolution to do it!" Ya know? I am sticking to about half of them. And that's doing good, in my opinion. We can't control everything in life and we can only plan on those things that have already happened, not on those things yet to come. You can make plans for the future, but you have to be flexible when those plans have to change because of unforeseen circumstances. I'm just proud I've stuck to those I have!

Has this year been awesome so far? You know, it hasn't been bad. It hasn't been the year to compare all other years against, but it's only half over. So, that means there is still hope. Most importantly, I feel like this year has been calm. It's been peaceful. I'm constantly busy with work, family, church and friends, but you know... life is good. I'm alive, I'm relatively healthy, I'm positive, and I'm surrounded by people and organizations that I love. Am I exactly where I want to be in life? Nope, but that doesn't mean I can't be by this time next year. If there is anything I believe it is that a moment can change history forever. Something could happen moments from now that can change all plans I have ever made for myself. This time next year, who knows where I will be or what I will be doing. I'm excited for the journey though.

In the upcoming weeks, I am looking forward to a long overdue trip back up to Post Falls, ID to see some of my friends. I moved back down to IF in April 2009 and haven't been up to visit yet. No bueno! While it is a little nerve wracking to think of how different my life is now from how it was when I left PF and how I'm going to fit back into the world up there, I'm looking forward to seeing those people who were my family away from my family. I just hope that the fit will resemble that of the old slippers in my closet, ya know?

I'm also so very excited for the 4th of July! It is one of my favorite holidays and I can't wait. It's going to be a lot of fun to be with family, have BBQ's, see the 2nd greatest fireworks show in the US, and celebrate this country's freedoms. Hopefully the next blog will have photos of all the fun!

One Year Makes A Difference

One year ago today, in about an hour, I put "him" on a plane. He was excited and happy to go away for a vacation and to get some help. He was leaving because he had caused a lot of stress and mayhem for a lot of people and with him gone, we would be able to put the pieces back together while he was getting the help he needed. I was frustrated because he was getting to go play, I wasn't sure if he was going to seek help out, and Hurricane "Him" leaves quite a wake.

My family spent the better part of the next 24 hours trying to keep my head above water. I was devestated. "He" had left me. I had sent him, but he had left me. And it took less than 24 hours for the entire 3 years of our marriage to unravel completely. The next afternoon, he cemented forever in my memory what he thought of me and our marriage. It was explicit and sickening to hear. One week later, we had both made efforts in seeking out a divorce.

Within the last year, I have been tried, I have been tested, and I have found out just how strong a person can be under extreme duress. I cannot say I have overcome it enough to be indifferent. But I can say that I am grateful for it. I would never change it. I might wish I could take some of the things I said back, but that is neither here nor there. I wouldn't change it because it changed me. It changed the way I look at myself, at others, and at my Heavenly Family.

I am a good person. I have worth. I may not be beautiful, but I am cute and definately not unattractive. I am happy and bubbly and vivacious. I love life. I love living. I know what is the most important thing in this world to me and I know what can be put aside if need be. I have flaws, but I have strengths too. I love to try new things where I used to be afraid. I used to be so unsatisfied with me and who I am. I used to want to change myself for others so they would like me more. I am not like that now. I am me. Take it or leave it.

Other people are important. They may be different from what is socially acceptable or they may be the most popular person in the room. Doesn't matter, each person has something to contribute. Each person that comes into your life, has an effect there. They can bring pain, yes, but most often, they can teach you things to help you learn and grow. And I've learned that the way you treat a person most often reflects the person that YOU are. We need to appreciate every person who crosses our paths because they leave a mark. Treat others as you would want to be treated and pay it forward. Even if another person doesn't respect you, you must respect them because if you don't, is that the person YOU want to be?

Most importantly, I have learned that my Heavenly Father loves me. I am His daughter and I am great in His sight. I can rely on Him for things and in situations that no one else sees or knows. He is there for me, the ulimate Comforter in times of need. Pain is minimized by this. I am grateful for Jesus Christ, my brother, who not only atoned for my sins, but for my stresses and trials and grief. He has felt all and knows what I am going through. It is through the Atonement that I can turn over trials, when they are too much to bear, to Him and allow the healing balm of love and comfort to wash over me. My Heavenly Parents and my brother, my Savior, love me. They know my imperfections. They know I struggle. They know me. And they love me anyway.

On this day, last year, I was broken. It took an army of heavenly and earthly beings to put me back together. Now, 365 days later, I'm healing. I'm not whole yet. But, I'm getting there. I am not the person I was. I'm better. I'm more. I'm grateful. I'm blessed. I'm lucky. I'm ME.

Which Austen Is It?

Warning: This will be a longer post.... What do you expect? It's been a month and a half since I blogged last! :)

Quick N.Y. Res. Update: I'm slacking on a few! No good! But, I know that I need to pick it up. And really, knowing that I need to do it is halfway to resolving it. The month of March, I read Dave Ramsey's "Total Money Makeover" and I loved it. It really lights a fire under your rump and makes you want to change your financial lifestyle. The month of April is "Summer of My German Soldier". I'm already done with it; I couldn't put it down! So good. And because I'm done early, I'm rewarding myself with reading a few other books in the next couple weeks just for extra. Gosh, I wish I had more time to read! I miss being able to do it as often as I used to.

Really, the topic I've thought to cover for this month's post has been mulling in my mind for quite some time. I've decided my life is a bit like a Jane Austen novel. However, I can't figure out which one it is or which character I am. See, if I could just figure it out, I might be able to chase the right ending to the story. Here, let me break it down in my own synopsis...

Pride & Prejudice:
I could be Elizabeth Bennett. She had a few opportunities for male suitors and turned them down, though socially discriminated for it, in an effort at waiting for love. She finds it in the form of Mr. Darcy, who, by most accounts, is virtually perfect... especially his bank account!
But, I think I more closely resemble Charlotte Lucas: She is older than most and has no prospects, until suddenly one of Elizabeth's cast off's, namely Mr. Collins (who is a right bore and someone most people would like to physically injure), decides he MUST marry and asks Charlotte instead. When she tells Elizabeth about her engagement, Elizabeth is shocked and tells Charlotte that it's crazy. Charlotte's response is one of the saddest in literary history. She tells her friend that she getting older and has become a burden to her parents. She has decided to marry Mr. Collins simply because he can provide a nice home and security for her. She ends up marrying him and while she lives with her own version of happiness, her life is completely devoid of passion and true love.

Sense & Sensibility:
There is Elinor: The elder sister who is so very practical and who puts everyone else's happiness before her own. She finds herself unexpectedly in love with a man thrown haphazardly into her life. However, this man, she finds out later, is secretly engaged to a very nice young girl who Elinor has become, against her will, a mentor to. Elinor puts this girl ahead of herself and tries to take herself out of the equation for Edward. However, by the end of the story, he comes to her, declares that he has broken off the engagement and loves her. She has been given the gift of a lifetime. In my mind, she has spent the last several hundred pages of book as a martyr.
The other heroine of our story is Marianne, Elinor's younger sister. She is lives in the moment and "lives her life out loud" in a time when it was socially acceptable for a woman to be seen and not heard. She falls desperately hard for a Mr. Willoughby who has seemingly fallen as hard for her. He is perfect for Marrianne in every way a person can be for another, until one day, he just disappears. Marrianne follows him to London to find out what's going on, only to find that he's gotten himself engaged to a girl with LOTS of money, where Marrianne has none. When it all comes down to it, Mr. Willoughby loved Marrianne, just not more than he loves money. By the end of the story, Marrianne realizes she actually DOES love her friend, the steadfast and stalwart, Colonel Brandon. He's older, not as handsome, but loves Marrianne in such a way that makes the reader almost embarrassed to intrude on. He's patient and kind and more perfect for Marrianne in ways the reader would have never guessed she needed.

Emma:
Emma Woodhouse is a caring friend to all, especially her new found friend Harriet. She has recently tried her hand at matchmaking and was successful, so she decides her new project is Harriet. She runs around trying to set Harriet up with guy after guy. One has already decided he loves Harriet, but Mr. Martin is not good enough for her by Emma's standards. They set their sights on Mr. Elton, but he decides in a comical, though disturbing, scene that he's really in love with Emma. Then, Emma finds Frank Churchill. She realizes she is supposed to be setting Harriet up, but she figures she might find some happiness in the process. Everyone wants it to happen. They are all hoping Frank and Emma will get together, that is, until Frank's secret fiancee shows up. Emma realizes that she is supposed to feel upset by this, but she also realizes that she doesn't feel anything for him in the first place. Harriet, in the meantime, has decided she has feelings for Emma's dearest friend, Mr. Knightly. As soon as this happens, Emma realizes that SHE is actually in love with Mr. Knightly and wants him for herself. So she is torn between was is good for Harriet and what she ultimately wants. Mr. Knightly goes away for awhile to get his thoughts sorted and when he comes back, Emma thinks he has chosen Harriet, but he actually has chosen her! She is overjoyed and they are married. Harriet eventually marries Mr. Martin, who she should have married to begin with. Both end up exquisitely happy and with their perfect match.

While I think I may have a little of each of our heroines, I'm feeling very much like Emma right now. Only, I really hope Mr. Knightly will show up soon because having recently thought I found him, I realized that he's a bit more like Mr. Willoughby from Sense & Sensibility. Maybe I'm Marrianne and I need to be waiting for my Colonel Brandon? I'm not sure. And I'm almost at the point of starting a Mormon convent and becoming my own version of a nun!

And while I have been doing this catharsis, I have begun to realize that in Austen's books, there is a certain amount of drama that I really think shouldn't be played out in a real life love story. I really feel like it should come naturally if it is going to come at all. I shouldn't have to try so hard, right? Take this last situation I was in, things were progressing just fine until he suddenly got weird and disappeared on me. Then, feeling like maybe he needed a little nudge, I called him out on it, in very subtle ways, and he literally vanished. Magic? I think not. Life and love shouldn't be this difficult. Should it?

I think I'm getting the hang of this...

So, I think I might actually be getting the hang of this blog thing. The other day I was sitting at work thinking, "Man, I need to write on my blog tonight, I can't wait to get off work!" How silly is that? Wow.

Quick Update: New Year's Resolutions are going great. I haven't dropped any others and I've been pretty consistent with the ones I've set. It's going fantastic!

So this month, I thought I would write about something I've been considering and I'm hoping that if I get it all out of my head, I might be able to make some sense of things...

I'm thinking of going back to school. I already have a Bachelor's degree from BYU-Idaho, but I have been thinking of going to ISU for a degree in Elementary Education with an Emphasis in English. The more I think about it and pray about it, the more sense it makes. Sure, there are plenty of reasons not to go back, but I think going actually solves more problems than it creates.

I would be able to complete about 97% of it in Idaho Falls, so I wouldn't have to move to Pocatello. I would be able to defer my student loans a little longer and actually have a job afterwards that would enable me to pay them back. I would go full time, so I would have insurance again (Yay! Being sick so much without insurance sucks!). I would have a degree that actually certifies me to DO something instead of just a generalized degree like I have now. I could teach ANYWHERE. I would have great training in the event I ever get married again and want to home school my kids (since I've always wanted to home school them anyway). It would provide an excellent atmosphere for meeting new people. And it would give me some direction in life. I've been feeling like I'm in a rut lately. Like I'm in a transition phase and can't seem to move to the next stage.

However, because I have completed one degree already, I would have to take out student loans instead of being able to apply for grants. I wouldn't be able to work an entire 40 hours a week (I don't think, but I don't know this one for sure) either, so I would have to take a little extra out to cover the extra expenses. And I would lose a lot of extra time that I have now, which is so little that I barely can call it "extra". But, I can pretty much find ways to handle all of these things.

So, in looking at this, really the direction seems clear. I've gone to the temple about it, I've prayed, I've had a blessing.... and really, they all point to the answer I've already come up with. I think I'm headed back to school this fall!!! Wow, I'm super excited! Wish me luck!

Single's Awareness Month...

Just a quick update on my New Year's Resolutions... they are actually going pretty well. Some, like I knew they would, went to the wayside. I knew ahead of time that I had set A LOT of them for myself, but I also knew that some would become less important than I originally thought. So, the most important ones are going fantastic, but some have been weeded out. And I think the most important part about setting goals and making resolutions for yourself is that you can't beat yourself up over it if you don't necessarily complete them. You can't move backward in life, only forward. Every day passes, even without your permission. So, there is no use in getting upset with myself over not completing some of my goals for last month, all I can do is try harder this month.

For example, I didn't get all of Northanger Abby read, but that is ok. I am still in the middle of it (loving it, by the way!) but I have also started a new book. It's called As Always, Dave by Jack Weyland. I'm very excited about it. I don't normally read much LDS fiction because I think that most of them are too schmoopy and idealistic. But, so far, I'm really enjoying it. I'm not going to be upset with myself for not reading Northanger Abby by the end of January, I will just continue to read it on the side. I'm always in the middle of several books at a time, so it's not a big deal for me to have it sitting there as well.

So, this month is February and it is my least favorite month. Even while I had a valentine of my own, I still didn't like it. And I really took some time to think about why. So, the following is my conclusion... read on if you dare!

I've had several serious relationships in my life so far. And I can only think of one really great Valentine's Day. It was when I was 16 or 17. My boyfriend at the time was my best friend (my best guy friend anyway). We didn't do anything super spectacular, we just spent time together and I think that he took me to dinner. But, the thing that stood out in my mind was the fact that we were together. That's all it took to make it amazing.

I hate the fact that Valentine's Day has become so commercialized. Everyone has to spend so much money to buy all sorts of ridiculous flowers and candy and stupid stuft animals. Why? What's the point? The flowers are going to die within days, if not hours, the candy just goes straight to my hips and the stuft animals just go in a box. Why spend so much money for one day? Isn't Valentine's Day supposed to be about showing the person you have chosen to be your valentine just how much you love them and why you feel that way?

A guy doesn't have to spend money on gifts, cards, or flowers for him to show me that he loves me. A guy just has to make me feel that I'm special to him. And maybe for others, gifts are the way they feel loved, but for me... it's caring words, time well spent together, and random acts of service. The next man who will be my valentine, hopefully, will be secure enough with himself and the relationship and feelings he has with and for me that he won't have to spend lots of money to show me just how much he cares. Hopefully, he will know and love me enough that he will be able to show me just how special I am by simply being with me. I have never had a "perfect" Valentine's Day, even the one 9-10 years ago was only pretty close, so I can't really say there is anything specific for him to do. I hope that when that time comes, my perfect man will know the perfect thing to do for that day.

So, until the day comes, when my Mr. Right bounds unexpectedly into my life, I celebrate Single's Awareness Day. And it is going to be perfection this year. My momma, sister and I are getting out of town, going to SLC, spending Sunday on Temple Square and enjoying the peace that comes from being a family and knowing that the love we have for each other doesn't require money to show one another, just time and energy and making each other laugh. It's simple, it's free, and it's perfect.

New Year's Resolutions

It's a new year and last year wasn't necessarily the best. So, I sat myself down right after Christmas and laid out my resolutions for 2010. Also, my boss told me something that I think is really pretty awesome. He said: "Describe this new year the way you want it to be... and so it shall be". So, 2010 is going to be awesome! I'm going to be productive and proactive. It's going to be the best year I have had in a REALLY long time.

I also thought I would list out some of my resolutions, just so it's in print, so maybe I'll take more care to make sure they happen!

1) Go to the temple at least once a month- this one is pretty self explanatory

2) Take myself out on a date once a week- I feel like I've been holding myself back from doing things I want to do simply because I have had no one to do them with, so I need to remember how to be alone

3) BLOG once a month- and really, why not? It's good for me.

4) Schedule myself a writing night once a month- I need to get my novel written and since it's been in the "process" for over a year now, I need to get with it!

5) Get at least $1500 in a savings account by the end of the year- it's always good to have a cushion and a "just in case" fund. After the credit card debt I was married to, I NEVER want a credit card!

6) Finish the Book of Mormon and D&C by the end of the year- I am in the middle of the BOM again and I need to remind myself there are other scriptures too!

7) Get my spare room unpacked and organized COMPLETELY- I haven't been completely unpacked and organized since about 2006, so I'm pretty excited to finally have no boxes and to KNOW that I'm not going to be moving in the foreseeable future

8) Get completely caught up with my scrapbooking- I have so many scrapbooks started, but not finished and I need to get those done and my most recent caught up

9) Be at home at least 3 nights a week- my dogs never see me, poor things. So, it's either get rid of them or be home more... I think we know what option won out

10) Read a book once a month I've never read before- I have a habit of reading my favorite books over and over again. And while that is good, I need to make sure the rest of my growing library is feelin' the love too. This month, I am reading Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen. We'll see how it goes.

There are more, but those are the ones I don't mind sharing.

When I was still living in Post Falls, a wonderful lady taught a lesson in church about setting goals/resolutions for yourself. I really took it to heart. Last year, I set goals and things happened in life that weren't planned, throwing off those goals. This year, it won't be that way. I have set goals for myself that depend on me, no one else, and are attainable. I'm feeling hopeful about all of them. And since we are already a week in, I can honestly report that I am doing pretty good so far. I can already see the goals that are going to take more effort. But, I'm doing great and I'm looking forward to 2010! It's going to be AMAZING!