The parable of the two vases

Yesterday was my last counseling session for now.

I have been going pretty steadily to counseling since January of 2006, and feel so blessed and grateful for this process in my life. I have more to say about counseling, which I hope to get to eventually. This post is more about remembering what my counselor said to me as she thought about what she could say to me.

Those of you who know me well, know how much I love quotes, inspirational stories, and life analogies. I feel like Alma when he says in Alma 30, verse 41 But, behold, I have all things as a testimony that these things are true; and ye also have all things as a testimony unto you that they are true; and will ye deny them? Believest thou that these things are true?

Maybe this is why I look for analogies in the everyday things. Through my counseling through LDS Services since March, I have explained to my counselor how I have felt at various times through an analogy that I have thought up. So as she was giving me something to think about as she sent me on my way, she felt it was appropriate to paraphrase the analogy or parable (if you will) of the two vases. I hadn't heard it before, and spent some time searching for a more articulate portrayal of this story, but couldn't find it. So, bear with me, and if you know the original version send it to me!

On a shelf in the home of a beloved artist sat two beautiful hand painted vases. Each was individually crafted and intricately designed. Everyone who entered marveled at their beauty. One day, a careless bump of the shelf sent one of the vases crashing to the floor. The creator, when stumbling upon the shattered piece of artwork was saddened by this, and because he knew how rare the vase was and because he had put so much effort into it to bring it to the beautiful piece that it was, he painstakingly and lovingly glued this vase back together piece by piece. So skilled was the artist, that with the reconstruction of the vase, the untrained eye could not tell that it was lay in pieces. However, upon looking at the inside of the vase one could see the countless cracks and scars that told its painful story. This vase was once again placed on the shelf next to it's counterpart. While the vase and it's creator knew of fall and of the cracks, those who marveled at they beauty of both vases could not ever know by looking at the outside what the one vase had encountered. Sometimes, the once broken, newly repaired vase, despaired at its acquired cracks. It felt weakened and marred by this fall. The creator lovingly reassured the cracked vase that its fall, though painful, did not take away from its beauty, strength, or value. That on the contrary because the vase knew what it was to be broken, how much wisdom and gratitude it gained from this fall.

Now, this was my paraphrase from her paraphrase, but I think the sentiment still shines through the fumbled words (on my part). I almost hesitate to elaborate further because of how significant this parable is to me. It speaks to me of how we are all works of art, hand-painted by an artist who appreciates and loves us so much to not hide us away, but place us on a shelf to be bumped, chipped, and perhaps even broken at times. And, then by the grace of the atonement, we can be made whole again. Although both heaven and the individual know of the cracks and the scars, the value and strength of the person is not diminished but increased. There is wisdom and beauty in the breaking.

One of the cutest girls alive!

Almost a year ago I became an aunt my sisters precious baby girl. How lucky am I? Maybe this picture will give you a glimpse of her cuteness and you can imagine my joy in the fact that I will see her in a few weeks.

Music

My sister sends me music when she thinks of me. She knows I love good lyrics and we both love music, although she is much more musically gifted than I am.

Today she sent me this song.
This is Home by Switchfoot

I've got my memories
They're always
Inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe it now
I've come too far
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I've never known

[Chorus:]
This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I've got my heart set
On what happens next
I've got my eyes wide
And it's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone

(Chorus)

And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I've got
A brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I'm gonna call it home

(Chorus)

Now I know
Yeah, this is home
I've come too far
And I won't go back
Yeah, this is home

It's a beautiful song. I really relate to the verses, and long to relate the chorus.

I am grateful today for all that I have presently. (if I say it enough maybe I'll start to feel it).

My, how time flies!

Pretty sure the saying goes like this. "Time flies when you're having fun!" I'd like to amend it to just, "Time flies." It is already the end of July and I haven't written a post in months. So much has happened. I have so much to say yet can't seem to find the right words. In fact, I just sat and stared at the last sentence that I wrote for several minutes. I need to worry less and do more I think.

Sigh. I am going to do a catch up post I think. Briefly chronicling my life since May. I loved my time at South Jordan Middle School. It was a great, difficult experience. My last day was June first and so bittersweet. I miss the students so much. I need to remember to write down in a more private location everything I love and remember about the awesome people that I get to work with aka my students. It was also so nice to be done with school and have a break. My sister came to Utah at the beginning of June to run in the Utah Valley Marathon. She has wanted to do this for a long time, and I am so proud of her although I do think she is a little crazy! Crazy awesome! I was very happy to drive Nichole, Jeff and Abigail around and help them coordinate everything for their races. I was most happy about getting to spend lots of quality time with Abigail, who in my book is one of the cutest little girls in the entire world. After the marathon weekend, Jeff went back to Texas to work and Nichole and I played. We visited people she hasn't seen in years, ate at some of her favorite places to eat, went shopping, swimming, got pedicures, and enjoyed being with each other. We then went to Moab for our mother's side of the family, family reunion. It was so good to see family. Moab is such a cool place. I would like to go back and spend more time dedicated to the hikes! I then began teaching ESY for Jordan School District. So fun!! I can honestly say with all my heart that I love teaching Special Education. I love the people I get to work with and I love the students. I think it is very fulfilling and worthwhile work. What a blessing it is to work hard at good honest work. I'm pretty sure that is a President Hinkley quote. I have been so lucky that many of my amazing friends from Rochester have ties to Utah and that they think of visiting me on their trips to see family! I have been hiking with Celeste and Ben Peterson to Donut Falls. Such a pretty hike and such awesome people. I spent a week in Idaho with Katie and Eric Christensen for the Fourth of July. What a fun week. We went swimming, to the zoo, ate yummy food, and I gave them my parakeets. So, here's a shout out to all who read this blog. Come visit me! I promise to return the favor when possible! I am now in Ohio visiting my parents for a few days. I have one more week of ESY and then the summer is basically over for me. I move into my new apartment in West Jordan on August 7th, and start training for my position as a real live special education teacher. Crazy! Scary! Exciting! In August I fly to San Antonio as a birthday present to myself and my twin for a few days, and then a couple days after I come back I start my first day on the job. I like to joke that I am finally a real person now that I have a job with a salary. We'll see if that is the case.

And now a few emotions. What would a blog post from me be without some good old fashioned feelings? Just plain crazy, I say. I think a lot about my life. How it has played out so far, what is to come, and if I am where I want to be or who I want to be. I think this has it's pros and cons. The pros are that I am very in tune with what is going on inside my heart. I am able to see how I can improve. I am more aware of how other people feel and how they are doing. A big con that I have noticed is that while I am in the middle (and I seem to be in the middle a lot lately) of big changes and transitions, all of my thinking translates into worry, confusion and discouragement. Which can at times lead me into a negative cycle where I second guess everything I am. I seem to be constantly battling myself at every turn. I have experienced a lot of life in my short almost 25 years. I have loved and lost. I don't regret any of it, but I definitely mourn these losses. I love life. I know true happiness and I also know sadness and pain. I try to maintain positive and grateful throughout it all, and I think I succeed in a large measure. However, more than appearing happy I want to truly be happy and I want to be real. I do want more than anything to be true to myself. Being happy to put others at ease is not real happiness, and leaves me feeling empty and misunderstood. In a world where you can be anything, be yourself, right? So here I am. Being true to myself means acknowledging the sadness, confusion, and pain that is a constant companion for me these days. I am not sad every minute. Life is good. It sneaks up on me and frustrates some of the most pleasant days. I wonder when I will feel whole again. I wonder when I will be at peace with everything. I wonder when I will have understanding and have answers to my soul-deep questions. I know it will come. I just am ready to be miles and months ahead of where I presently am. I am comforted by the knowledge that there is a being who knows my thoughts and desires, who sees me as I really am and who finds me worth saving, worth loving. I know that there is a place for me in this life and in the life to come, although I do not know all the details and despite feeling out of place and out of sorts. I sure wish I did know at least a few of the details. That, however is not God's way, and not what faith is all about. So, there is a tiny window into my heart and mind. Time to shut my eyes and sleep. Even my dreams are confusing lately.